Original subtitles

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am, I'm sure I am.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am, I'm sure I am. He's H -A -P -P -Y.

I'm expecting an important phone call from my wife. Do you mind if I take it

here? No, not at all.

Don't let me disturb you.

She said an important phone call. I hope there's nothing wrong with your

splendid family.

It's Victor.

I'm afraid the poor little chap's failing.

Oh, dear, dear. What is the matter?

I have no idea. It was all so unexpected.

We're still in a state of shock.

My dear friend, I saw him only last week playing on the lawn.

He was popular, the proverbial beans.

Yes, he was always so lively.

We shall miss him dreadfully.

Is there nothing you can do?

I don't think so.

He's not been himself for days now. Just lies around the house.

Won't even play with his tail anymore.

Well, I shouldn't worry too much about that. It is just a phase they go

boys of that age. I understand.

Look, Tower.

Will you stop rambling?

I'm talking about the dog.

What a mistake.

She must excuse me. I thought you were talking about...

I'm so sorry. We have a misunderstanding here. I thought Victor was your

son.

Nonsense. You don't think I call my son Victor, do you?

Get him through life with a name like that.

No, there's nothing wrong with Tarquin.

He's disgustingly healthy.

probably responsible for this whole thing. That dog was never the same since

poured that luminous paint all over him.

Tried to turn him into the hind of the Baskervilles.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I would be blown. I know I shouldn't laugh, but it is very funny.

Gupta, do you mind?

One joke goes an awfully long way with you, doesn't it?

Yes?

Oh, hello, Muffin, hello.

What did he say?

They're going to operate.

Not much hope?

Oh, God, poor Victor.

Now, be brave, my dear.

Fight those tears.

Remember how good you were over the hamster.

Is he close to the phone?

He's looking at you with those trotting eyes.

Oh, God. Well, don't let him see there's anything wrong. Act normally.

And don't worry, my dear. I'll be home as soon as I can.

Yes. Goodbye, muffin.

Bye.

Poor Victor.

Excuse me.

My dear fellow,

is there anything I can do?

No, I'll be all right, good man. Just running some cold water, my rich.

I really am terribly sorry.

Oh, it's my own fault.

I didn't realise how fond I'd become of him.

I'd always thought he was a bit of a nuisance, but now I know he's only got a

few weeks.

All we can do is make his last days comfortable.

We'll have him at home, I think.

Better than being with strangers.

Oh, if you don't mind, I think I'd like to be alone.

I'm going to die.

Oh, yes.

Just look at this girl.

Fantastic. Pass me that cane, Fig.

I'm going to die.

Thanks. I'm just getting to the difficult bit. You're not the only one.

What do you say, Fig? I said I'm going to die.

Are you sure?

Of course I'm sure.

I was having a quiet drag in one of the cubicles and I heard Thorpe talking.

He only gives me a few weeks.

Well, you look all right to me.

I may look all right to the untrained eye, mate, but Thorpe knows differently.

He's seen the plates.

Of course, he didn't mention me by name. That's against the Hippocratic Oath.

But it's me, all right.

How do you know it's you if he didn't mention your name? Look, I don't need

building to follow me, Norman. Of course it's me. I'm not right, am I? Thorpe

knows he's botched it. He hardly dare look me in the face.

I'm not right down here. I never will be.

It's like when you've had the back of a watch. It's never the same again.

He's just a bit wound up.

Oh, you can laugh, but the way I see it, either they've forgotten to put

something back or I've got his signet ring in here.

How can you expect us to take you seriously? You're always listening at

and spreading rumours. Remember those immortal words.

A coward dies many times before his death.

A brave man dies but once.

Oh, no, it's the once that worries me.

It's amazing, isn't it?

I'm dying and you're not worried. in the slightest. At least you might show a

bit of bleeding concern.

Of course I'm concerned.

I'm very sorry.

We may have had our differences, but I shall remember you with a great deal of

warmth and affection.

Dying about?

I'm not dead yet.

That's more like it, Roy.

Show some spirit. Yes. You mustn't get depressed. You've got to look on the

bright side.

What bright side?

Every cloud has a silver lining, and it's always darkest before the dawn.

Thank you, patient strong.

It's only trying to cheer you up. You die if you worry, you die if you don't.

That's what Mother always says.

Do you know what she does when she gets depressed?

She sings this little song.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y, I'm H -A -P -P -Y, I know I am, I'm sure I am, I'm H -A -P -P

-Y.

Does she really?

My God, she must be a comfort.

Well, I don't feel H -A -P -P -Y at the moment, quite the contrary.

No, Norman's got a point. It could have its good side. I mean...

Look at the state of the world. The ice caps on the move, radiation increasing,

World War III just around the corner. You could be better off out of it.

You know you make it sound quite attractive when you put it like that.

wouldn't like to go in my place, would you? Well, it wouldn't worry me.

You see, I believe.

You don't believe, do you, Roy? I believe that when you're dead, you're

Religion is the opiate of the people, mate. They all say how wonderful it's

going to be up there. I don't see any of them rushing to go.

You wouldn't say that if you'd had my experience.

I've seen him.

Who? God.

After my first attack.

What did he look like?

Actually, he looked rather like my bank manager.

Do me a favour. Of course he looked like your bank manager. You collapsed in

Bartley.

He had a kindly smile and twinkling eyes, and he spoke to me through this

of mist.

Not now, Archie.

Go back, go back.

It was a wonderful experience.

Yeah? Well, you wait till he says, come here, come here, you'll feel differently

then. Oh, come on, Roy, you don't even know that it is you. Of course it's me!

Well, we'll soon know. Oh.

Thorpe will be much nicer to you.

Doctor, could I have a word?

Not just now, if you don't mind, Piggott.

Hello, Norman, how are you feeling?

I feel fine, Doctor.

Oh, do you really?

Good. Let's have a look at you.

Oh. What's the matter, Doctor?

Nothing. It's just you remind me of someone.

I think it's the eyes.

So gentle, so trusting, so... God.

It's me!

No, it isn't. It is! I'm going to die!

I'm going to die! I'm going to die! My God, what happened to every cloud is a

silver lining.

with my life. I've never had a girlfriend. I've never been abroad.

I don't even go out much. I spend all my time studying for the city and guilds.

Mother said I needed qualifications.

I don't need qualifications where I'm going. All you need is to be dead.

Will you stop running round like a chicken with its head cut off and think

minute?

Jesus doesn't want you for a sunbeam, Norman, not you.

Can't you see that was all a rude... He did that deliberately.

If he suddenly started behaving nice to me, he knows I'd suspect something was

wrong. Besides, he didn't say anything about sending you home, did he? No.

there you are. Whoever it is is being sent home.

They can't do any more.

I think they need the bed.

I must admit I don't fancy going home.

A mother -in -law, four kids and a wife who can't stand illness.

Hardly a peaceful end.

Well, I'm not going home. I'm staying here. Not spending my last days rolling

balls of wool.

Oh, I wish you two would stop making all this fuss.

The way I look at it is, when you've got to go, you've got to go.

And that's all there is to it.

Well,

at least he's happy. Of course he's happy. He worshipped Kali, goddess of

and destruction.

Oh, my dear speakers, I wonder if you'd care to sign this card. Oh, what is it

this time? Not another disaster in Bangladesh?

No, it is a kidney donor card.

What?

In the event of your death, you bequeath your kidneys to somebody less

fortunate. How can you be less fortunate than dead?

My God, haven't you got me tacked? You can't wait to pick the bones clean, can

you? Here am I, fighting for me life, and all you can see is a set of spare

parts.

Well, if that's how you feel. What about you, Norman?

I'm not signing it. It's your job to keep me alive.

Come along, Norman. Pull yourself together.

After all, you can't take them with you.

Don't you see? This is your chance for the big gesture.

You could bequeath your heart, liver, and kidneys.

After all, you said you wanted to get out more.

You could travel, see foreign parts.

At least your kidneys could.

You could even have a girlfriend.

Unless, of course, they gave them to a girl. And then you could have a

boyfriend.

I think it's a wonderful opportunity.

Oh, well, since you feel like that, my esteemed Glover, perhaps you'd care to

sign? Certainly, my dear Gupta. Just leave it with me.

Well, don't forget to sign it before you go.

Go? Go where?

Good news.

Mr. Thorpe thinks you can go home at the end of the week.

What did he say?

He said you could go home.

My God!

I'm H -A -P -P -Y I'm H -A -P -P -Y I'm H -A

-P -P -Y I'm H -A -P -P -Y

H -A -P -P -Y Well, Mr. Bad Archie, you look on the bright side.

Whatever death's like, it can't be worse than five years of Tory misrule.

Will you shut up?

I don't know why you're getting so upset. At least you've met him before.

Who? The kindly figure with the twinkling eyes.

Oh, yes. I was forgetting about him.

Thank you, God. Thank you very much.

Nice one.

Thought you'd give Archie Glover one last tick in the teeth, eh?

Oh, why must the good always die young? Why couldn't this happen to Stringer?

Who's Stringer? My managing director, the little creep. He's got everything.

Personalised number plates, Persian rugs, pumpkin baths, ivory chess set.

And what have I got?

What have I got to show for my life?

Nothing. You didn't even leave me with my appendix.

I bet Stringer's got his appendix, a little shower.

You don't like him, do you? Why should I?

He's always resented me.

He even stopped me getting a seat on the board.

I could have had influence, position, money.

You can't take it with you, Archie. I didn't want to take it with me, Norman.

wanted it while I was here.

Well, let's face it, Archie, no -one's going to offer you a seat on the board.

You're hypochondriac. Don't be ridiculous, Roy. Who ever heard of a

hypochondriac? You're not going to die.

Of course I'm going to die.

sending me home, aren't they? It could be any one of us.

The big thing is not to get depressed.

Yes.

I suppose you're right. Of course I'm right.

Shut up.

No, we've got to stop thinking about it. It won't get you anywhere.

It doesn't do to dwell on it.

Right. Right.

I think I'm going to be cremated.

What, now?

No, when I'm dead.

Well, I wouldn't. I don't fancy sitting on a mantelpiece being used for a ruddy

ashtray. No, I'll have them spread somewhere nice.

Some leafy stream, or a river, or even the sea.

My God, it's still trying to get abroad.

Oh, you've got to be careful. We spread my uncle's ashes from the North Sea

Ferry. It was all right when the wind started to blow.

and half of them ended up in the sandwiches.

Will you be cremated, Archie? No, no, we've got a family vault in Sussex.

Oh, did you hear that? You see, there's no equality, not even in death.

There'll be no dogs cocking a leg over his grave.

Well, I shall be dead conventional, if you'll pardon the expression.

A simple stone and a simple inscription.

Edie wants us to be buried together with the inscription together again in death

as in life.

Oh, but it doesn't mean she's making room for her mother.

I fancied something a bit more personal.

What was that?

No, you'd only laugh.

No. Go on.

Tread softly.

Here lies Roy Figgis.

We shall not see his like again.

Well, that should reassure everyone.

No, I think that's lovely.

I haven't thought about an inscription.

Oh, it needs to be simple.

What about...

Here lies Norman Binns.

God has picked a flower.

Oh, very tasteful. I did have this other one. Simple. Roy Figgis dates then.

Oh, for the touch of a vanished hand and the sound of a voice which is still.

Oh, I think that's very moving.

How about In Memory of Norman Binns?

He stands by the throne.

Yes, very nice.

What about you, Archie? Well, yes.

I have thought.

I hope it's not too sentimental. No, go on.

Here lies Archie Glover.

His life was gentle, and the element so mixed in him that nature might stand up

and say to all the world, this.

Was a man.

Oh, that's lovely.

God, this is getting depressing.

I can't go on like this, Roy. I've got to know.

I can't bear this uncertainty.

You're right. I'm going to see Thorpe. Well, what makes you think he'll tell

you? Don't worry, I'll get the truth.

I don't think I want to know. Of course you do. You want to know whether the

book for your honour is, don't you?

See that shadow down there by the colon? That's where the trouble lies. Well

-defined, obviously causing an obstruction.

Yes, I see. What do you mean? What is it?

Well, it's a bit early to make a prognosis, but I'd say it was my left

This is serious, are you sure?

Well, I haven't seen it for days, and he was chewing it. Who was?

Victor.

I brought him in for an x -ray. I thought I'd better know what was going

I thought...

Excuse me, Mr Thorpe, I wonder if I could have a word with you in private.

Oh, uh, would you leave a... Now then, figures, what can I do for you?

There's something worrying you, isn't there, Doc?

Oh, yes.

How did you know? I heard you talking. I know all about it.

I see.

Well, I do try to keep these things to myself.

No point in upsetting the patients. Not quite, I do understand. I just wondered

if there'd been any further developments.

Well, uh, take a look. I don't know if these mean anything to you.

Well, I do know a bit about it, yes.

Yes, it looks quite serious.

You've got it upside down, figures.

Oh, so I have.

Yes. See that shadow? That's a trouble.

Oh, yes, it looks very nasty.

Ooh, it looks as if it's got fingers.

Yes, I think it's my glove.

Your glove?

Well, if you don't mind me saying, Doctor, that's a bit bleeding careless,

it?

I know.

I blame myself.

I should have been more careful.

I'm very fond of him, you know. It's a bit late for that now, isn't it?

Fond of him, you say? Yes, it's a tragedy. All that breeding, those

looks.

Oh, dear.

And a marvellous companion.

Oh, yes. Very entertaining.

Does this wonderful trick with a lump of sugar.

I haven't seen that.

The devil with the ladies. Oh, yes, yes.

Often stays out all night, you know. Comes back the next morning absolutely

shattered. Yes, well, he won't be doing much more of that, will he?

No, I'm afraid not. You will do your best for him, won't you, don't you?

Of course.

It's just that I don't know if I can bear to see him suffer.

It might be better simply to put him out of his misery.

What?

You mean... euthanasia?

I mean, I haven't put down figures.

My God, I knew it went on, but this is a complete revelation.

Don't you think you're being a bit callous?

I'm not callous. It'll be a merciful release.

My God, you give up easy, don't you? I happen to believe that while there's

life, there's hope. I suggest you think again.

I must say, figures, I find your concern very touching. Well, there's more than

I can say for you.

How much longer is it going to be?

I feel my whole life's in the balance.

It's like waiting for the jury to come in.

They say you can always tell if the verdict's guilty. They never look at the

accused. You're a great help, aren't you?

Well, what did he say?

Nothing.

Nothing at all.

I knew it.

Oh, my God, it's true.

I'm sorry, Archie, but I think you ought to know.

If there's anything I can do... It's too late, Roy.

It's too late for everything.

I had such plans. I thought I had plenty of time.

I thought my life was a long playing record.

I didn't know it was going to turn out to be a 45.

I won't get that seat on the board now.

You don't know. Something may come of it. It's an ill wind. Shut up.

I only hope they're sorry.

You know, Stringer never came to see me. Not even a get -well card. Not even one

solitary grape.

A good -minded...

Tell him what to do with his job.

Why don't you? You've got nothing to lose, have you? You're fireproof.

They can't touch you now. Why don't you tell him to stick it?

You're right, Roy.

Where are you going?

I'm going to find a phone.

Poor Archie.

Is it a growth?

No, it's a glove.

What? He only left a glove in there, didn't he?

Incompetent twit.

A glove?

He'll be able to claim.

Well, that won't do him much good, will it?

How long has he got?

Not long if he stays round here.

They're thinking of euthanasia.

I don't believe it.

They don't do things like that. Thorpe does. He just told me.

Where are you going?

I'm going to see Thorpe.

Thank you ever so much.

Goodbye.

Hello, Norman. What are you doing up at... is a murderer.

I beg your pardon?

All I want to say is this. I have friends, powerful friends.

If anything happens to Archie Glover, all I've got to do is say the word to

them, and one dark night, in some back alley, when you're not expecting it,

you'll get yours.

I think we're going to have to change our tablets, Norman.

Nothing's going to happen to Glover. It certainly won't, not while there's a

breath in my body. I know everything. Figgis has told me about the glove, your

big bungle.

No, but I was talking about the dog. We'll get the best legal brains. We'll

you to every court in the country. You'll never practice again.

What dog?

My dog, Victor.

They've operated. He's going to be all right.

Isn't that good news?

Yes. Very good.

Crikey.

Excuse me.

Yes, Stringer, it's me, the man the world forgot.

Listen, I'll call you Mr.

Stringer when you earn the title.

You little creep.

Yes, yes, that's what I called you.

A pint -sized, 18 -carat, plastic -coated creep.

No, no, I'm not drunk.

I'm seeing everything very clearly.

Archie. No, you can't fire me. I quit. You can take your job and stick it.

Archie, listen.

I don't like you. I don't like anyone who looks like you. I don't like your

I don't like your rugs. I don't like your sunken bath.

In fact, I don't like anything about you.

Oh, that's telling him it.

Archie, you're going to be all right. It wasn't you after all.

Thorpe was talking about his dog.

and they have this unfortunate side effect, so if I did say anything

Mr. Stringer?

Mr. Stringer!

Well, I think I'll get back to bed. Have an early night.

Figgis!

Yes, I make JCPY.

I make JCPY.

I know I am. I'm sure I am. I make JCPY. Yes, I make JCPY.

Yes, I make JCPY.

I know I am. I'm sure I am.

Yes, I make JCPY.