All language subtitles for Only When I Laugh s01e03 The Rumour

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am, I'm sure I am.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am, I'm sure I am. He's H -A -P
-P -Y.

I'm expecting an important phone call
from my wife. Do you mind if I take it

here? No, not at all.

Don't let me disturb you.

She said an important phone call. I hope
there's nothing wrong with your

splendid family.

It's Victor.

I'm afraid the poor little chap's
failing.

Oh, dear, dear. What is the matter?

I have no idea. It was all so
unexpected.

We're still in a state of shock.

My dear friend, I saw him only last week
playing on the lawn.

He was popular, the proverbial beans.

Yes, he was always so lively.

We shall miss him dreadfully.

Is there nothing you can do?

I don't think so.

He's not been himself for days now. Just
lies around the house.

Won't even play with his tail anymore.

Well, I shouldn't worry too much about
that. It is just a phase they go

boys of that age. I understand.

Look, Tower.

Will you stop rambling?

I'm talking about the dog.

What a mistake.

She must excuse me. I thought you were
talking about...

I'm so sorry. We have a misunderstanding
here. I thought Victor was your

son.

Nonsense. You don't think I call my son
Victor, do you?

Get him through life with a name like
that.

No, there's nothing wrong with Tarquin.

He's disgustingly healthy.

probably responsible for this whole
thing. That dog was never the same since

poured that luminous paint all over him.

Tried to turn him into the hind of the
Baskervilles.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I would be blown. I know I shouldn't
laugh, but it is very funny.

Gupta, do you mind?

One joke goes an awfully long way with
you, doesn't it?

Yes?

Oh, hello, Muffin, hello.

What did he say?

They're going to operate.

Not much hope?

Oh, God, poor Victor.

Now, be brave, my dear.

Fight those tears.

Remember how good you were over the
hamster.

Is he close to the phone?

He's looking at you with those trotting
eyes.

Oh, God. Well, don't let him see there's
anything wrong. Act normally.

And don't worry, my dear. I'll be home
as soon as I can.

Yes. Goodbye, muffin.

Bye.

Poor Victor.

Excuse me.

My dear fellow,

is there anything I can do?

No, I'll be all right, good man. Just
running some cold water, my rich.

I really am terribly sorry.

Oh, it's my own fault.

I didn't realise how fond I'd become of
him.

I'd always thought he was a bit of a
nuisance, but now I know he's only got a

few weeks.

All we can do is make his last days
comfortable.

We'll have him at home, I think.

Better than being with strangers.

Oh, if you don't mind, I think I'd like
to be alone.

I'm going to die.

Oh, yes.

Just look at this girl.

Fantastic. Pass me that cane, Fig.

I'm going to die.

Thanks. I'm just getting to the
difficult bit. You're not the only one.

What do you say, Fig? I said I'm going
to die.

Are you sure?

Of course I'm sure.

I was having a quiet drag in one of the
cubicles and I heard Thorpe talking.

He only gives me a few weeks.

Well, you look all right to me.

I may look all right to the untrained
eye, mate, but Thorpe knows differently.

He's seen the plates.

Of course, he didn't mention me by name.
That's against the Hippocratic Oath.

But it's me, all right.

How do you know it's you if he didn't
mention your name? Look, I don't need

building to follow me, Norman. Of course
it's me. I'm not right, am I? Thorpe

knows he's botched it. He hardly dare
look me in the face.

I'm not right down here. I never will
be.

It's like when you've had the back of a
watch. It's never the same again.

He's just a bit wound up.

Oh, you can laugh, but the way I see it,
either they've forgotten to put

something back or I've got his signet
ring in here.

How can you expect us to take you
seriously? You're always listening at

and spreading rumours. Remember those
immortal words.

A coward dies many times before his
death.

A brave man dies but once.

Oh, no, it's the once that worries me.

It's amazing, isn't it?

I'm dying and you're not worried. in the
slightest. At least you might show a

bit of bleeding concern.

Of course I'm concerned.

I'm very sorry.

We may have had our differences, but I
shall remember you with a great deal of

warmth and affection.

Dying about?

I'm not dead yet.

That's more like it, Roy.

Show some spirit. Yes. You mustn't get
depressed. You've got to look on the

bright side.

What bright side?

Every cloud has a silver lining, and
it's always darkest before the dawn.

Thank you, patient strong.

It's only trying to cheer you up. You
die if you worry, you die if you don't.

That's what Mother always says.

Do you know what she does when she gets
depressed?

She sings this little song.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y, I'm H -A -P -P -Y, I
know I am, I'm sure I am, I'm H -A -P -P

-Y.

Does she really?

My God, she must be a comfort.

Well, I don't feel H -A -P -P -Y at the
moment, quite the contrary.

No, Norman's got a point. It could have
its good side. I mean...

Look at the state of the world. The ice
caps on the move, radiation increasing,

World War III just around the corner.
You could be better off out of it.

You know you make it sound quite
attractive when you put it like that.

wouldn't like to go in my place, would
you? Well, it wouldn't worry me.

You see, I believe.

You don't believe, do you, Roy? I
believe that when you're dead, you're

Religion is the opiate of the people,
mate. They all say how wonderful it's

going to be up there. I don't see any of
them rushing to go.

You wouldn't say that if you'd had my
experience.

I've seen him.

Who? God.

After my first attack.

What did he look like?

Actually, he looked rather like my bank
manager.

Do me a favour. Of course he looked like
your bank manager. You collapsed in

Bartley.

He had a kindly smile and twinkling
eyes, and he spoke to me through this

of mist.

Not now, Archie.

Go back, go back.

It was a wonderful experience.

Yeah? Well, you wait till he says, come
here, come here, you'll feel differently

then. Oh, come on, Roy, you don't even
know that it is you. Of course it's me!

Well, we'll soon know. Oh.

Thorpe will be much nicer to you.

Doctor, could I have a word?

Not just now, if you don't mind,
Piggott.

Hello, Norman, how are you feeling?

I feel fine, Doctor.

Oh, do you really?

Good. Let's have a look at you.

Oh. What's the matter, Doctor?

Nothing. It's just you remind me of
someone.

I think it's the eyes.

So gentle, so trusting, so... God.

It's me!

No, it isn't. It is! I'm going to die!

I'm going to die! I'm going to die! My
God, what happened to every cloud is a

silver lining.

with my life. I've never had a
girlfriend. I've never been abroad.

I don't even go out much. I spend all my
time studying for the city and guilds.

Mother said I needed qualifications.

I don't need qualifications where I'm
going. All you need is to be dead.

Will you stop running round like a
chicken with its head cut off and think

minute?

Jesus doesn't want you for a sunbeam,
Norman, not you.

Can't you see that was all a rude... He
did that deliberately.

If he suddenly started behaving nice to
me, he knows I'd suspect something was

wrong. Besides, he didn't say anything
about sending you home, did he? No.

there you are. Whoever it is is being
sent home.

They can't do any more.

I think they need the bed.

I must admit I don't fancy going home.

A mother -in -law, four kids and a wife
who can't stand illness.

Hardly a peaceful end.

Well, I'm not going home. I'm staying
here. Not spending my last days rolling

balls of wool.

Oh, I wish you two would stop making all
this fuss.

The way I look at it is, when you've got
to go, you've got to go.

And that's all there is to it.

Well,

at least he's happy. Of course he's
happy. He worshipped Kali, goddess of

and destruction.

Oh, my dear speakers, I wonder if you'd
care to sign this card. Oh, what is it

this time? Not another disaster in
Bangladesh?

No, it is a kidney donor card.

What?

In the event of your death, you bequeath
your kidneys to somebody less

fortunate. How can you be less fortunate
than dead?

My God, haven't you got me tacked? You
can't wait to pick the bones clean, can

you? Here am I, fighting for me life,
and all you can see is a set of spare

parts.

Well, if that's how you feel. What about
you, Norman?

I'm not signing it. It's your job to
keep me alive.

Come along, Norman. Pull yourself
together.

After all, you can't take them with you.

Don't you see? This is your chance for
the big gesture.

You could bequeath your heart, liver,
and kidneys.

After all, you said you wanted to get
out more.

You could travel, see foreign parts.

At least your kidneys could.

You could even have a girlfriend.

Unless, of course, they gave them to a
girl. And then you could have a

boyfriend.

I think it's a wonderful opportunity.

Oh, well, since you feel like that, my
esteemed Glover, perhaps you'd care to

sign? Certainly, my dear Gupta. Just
leave it with me.

Well, don't forget to sign it before you
go.

Go? Go where?

Good news.

Mr. Thorpe thinks you can go home at the
end of the week.

What did he say?

He said you could go home.

My God!

I'm H -A -P -P -Y I'm H -A -P -P -Y I'm
H -A

-P -P -Y I'm H -A -P -P -Y

H -A -P -P -Y Well, Mr. Bad Archie, you
look on the bright side.

Whatever death's like, it can't be worse
than five years of Tory misrule.

Will you shut up?

I don't know why you're getting so
upset. At least you've met him before.

Who? The kindly figure with the
twinkling eyes.

Oh, yes. I was forgetting about him.

Thank you, God. Thank you very much.

Nice one.

Thought you'd give Archie Glover one
last tick in the teeth, eh?

Oh, why must the good always die young?
Why couldn't this happen to Stringer?

Who's Stringer? My managing director,
the little creep. He's got everything.

Personalised number plates, Persian
rugs, pumpkin baths, ivory chess set.

And what have I got?

What have I got to show for my life?

Nothing. You didn't even leave me with
my appendix.

I bet Stringer's got his appendix, a
little shower.

You don't like him, do you? Why should
I?

He's always resented me.

He even stopped me getting a seat on the
board.

I could have had influence, position,
money.

You can't take it with you, Archie. I
didn't want to take it with me, Norman.

wanted it while I was here.

Well, let's face it, Archie, no -one's
going to offer you a seat on the board.

You're hypochondriac. Don't be
ridiculous, Roy. Who ever heard of a

hypochondriac? You're not going to die.

Of course I'm going to die.

sending me home, aren't they? It could
be any one of us.

The big thing is not to get depressed.

Yes.

I suppose you're right. Of course I'm
right.

Shut up.

No, we've got to stop thinking about it.
It won't get you anywhere.

It doesn't do to dwell on it.

Right. Right.

I think I'm going to be cremated.

What, now?

No, when I'm dead.

Well, I wouldn't. I don't fancy sitting
on a mantelpiece being used for a ruddy

ashtray. No, I'll have them spread
somewhere nice.

Some leafy stream, or a river, or even
the sea.

My God, it's still trying to get abroad.

Oh, you've got to be careful. We spread
my uncle's ashes from the North Sea

Ferry. It was all right when the wind
started to blow.

and half of them ended up in the
sandwiches.

Will you be cremated, Archie? No, no,
we've got a family vault in Sussex.

Oh, did you hear that? You see, there's
no equality, not even in death.

There'll be no dogs cocking a leg over
his grave.

Well, I shall be dead conventional, if
you'll pardon the expression.

A simple stone and a simple inscription.

Edie wants us to be buried together with
the inscription together again in death

as in life.

Oh, but it doesn't mean she's making
room for her mother.

I fancied something a bit more personal.

What was that?

No, you'd only laugh.

No. Go on.

Tread softly.

Here lies Roy Figgis.

We shall not see his like again.

Well, that should reassure everyone.

No, I think that's lovely.

I haven't thought about an inscription.

Oh, it needs to be simple.

What about...

Here lies Norman Binns.

God has picked a flower.

Oh, very tasteful. I did have this other
one. Simple. Roy Figgis dates then.

Oh, for the touch of a vanished hand and
the sound of a voice which is still.

Oh, I think that's very moving.

How about In Memory of Norman Binns?

He stands by the throne.

Yes, very nice.

What about you, Archie? Well, yes.

I have thought.

I hope it's not too sentimental. No, go
on.

Here lies Archie Glover.

His life was gentle, and the element so
mixed in him that nature might stand up

and say to all the world, this.

Was a man.

Oh, that's lovely.

God, this is getting depressing.

I can't go on like this, Roy. I've got
to know.

I can't bear this uncertainty.

You're right. I'm going to see Thorpe.
Well, what makes you think he'll tell

you? Don't worry, I'll get the truth.

I don't think I want to know. Of course
you do. You want to know whether the

book for your honour is, don't you?

See that shadow down there by the colon?
That's where the trouble lies. Well

-defined, obviously causing an
obstruction.

Yes, I see. What do you mean? What is
it?

Well, it's a bit early to make a
prognosis, but I'd say it was my left

This is serious, are you sure?

Well, I haven't seen it for days, and he
was chewing it. Who was?

Victor.

I brought him in for an x -ray. I
thought I'd better know what was going

I thought...

Excuse me, Mr Thorpe, I wonder if I
could have a word with you in private.

Oh, uh, would you leave a... Now then,
figures, what can I do for you?

There's something worrying you, isn't
there, Doc?

Oh, yes.

How did you know? I heard you talking. I
know all about it.

I see.

Well, I do try to keep these things to
myself.

No point in upsetting the patients. Not
quite, I do understand. I just wondered

if there'd been any further
developments.

Well, uh, take a look. I don't know if
these mean anything to you.

Well, I do know a bit about it, yes.

Yes, it looks quite serious.

You've got it upside down, figures.

Oh, so I have.

Yes. See that shadow? That's a trouble.

Oh, yes, it looks very nasty.

Ooh, it looks as if it's got fingers.

Yes, I think it's my glove.

Your glove?

Well, if you don't mind me saying,
Doctor, that's a bit bleeding careless,

it?

I know.

I blame myself.

I should have been more careful.

I'm very fond of him, you know. It's a
bit late for that now, isn't it?

Fond of him, you say? Yes, it's a
tragedy. All that breeding, those

looks.

Oh, dear.

And a marvellous companion.

Oh, yes. Very entertaining.

Does this wonderful trick with a lump of
sugar.

I haven't seen that.

The devil with the ladies. Oh, yes, yes.

Often stays out all night, you know.
Comes back the next morning absolutely

shattered. Yes, well, he won't be doing
much more of that, will he?

No, I'm afraid not. You will do your
best for him, won't you, don't you?

Of course.

It's just that I don't know if I can
bear to see him suffer.

It might be better simply to put him out
of his misery.

What?

You mean... euthanasia?

I mean, I haven't put down figures.

My God, I knew it went on, but this is a
complete revelation.

Don't you think you're being a bit
callous?

I'm not callous. It'll be a merciful
release.

My God, you give up easy, don't you? I
happen to believe that while there's

life, there's hope. I suggest you think
again.

I must say, figures, I find your concern
very touching. Well, there's more than

I can say for you.

How much longer is it going to be?

I feel my whole life's in the balance.

It's like waiting for the jury to come
in.

They say you can always tell if the
verdict's guilty. They never look at the

accused. You're a great help, aren't
you?

Well, what did he say?

Nothing.

Nothing at all.

I knew it.

Oh, my God, it's true.

I'm sorry, Archie, but I think you ought
to know.

If there's anything I can do... It's too
late, Roy.

It's too late for everything.

I had such plans. I thought I had plenty
of time.

I thought my life was a long playing
record.

I didn't know it was going to turn out
to be a 45.

I won't get that seat on the board now.

You don't know. Something may come of
it. It's an ill wind. Shut up.

I only hope they're sorry.

You know, Stringer never came to see me.
Not even a get -well card. Not even one

solitary grape.

A good -minded...

Tell him what to do with his job.

Why don't you? You've got nothing to
lose, have you? You're fireproof.

They can't touch you now. Why don't you
tell him to stick it?

You're right, Roy.

Where are you going?

I'm going to find a phone.

Poor Archie.

Is it a growth?

No, it's a glove.

What? He only left a glove in there,
didn't he?

Incompetent twit.

A glove?

He'll be able to claim.

Well, that won't do him much good, will
it?

How long has he got?

Not long if he stays round here.

They're thinking of euthanasia.

I don't believe it.

They don't do things like that. Thorpe
does. He just told me.

Where are you going?

I'm going to see Thorpe.

Thank you ever so much.

Goodbye.

Hello, Norman. What are you doing up
at... is a murderer.

I beg your pardon?

All I want to say is this. I have
friends, powerful friends.

If anything happens to Archie Glover,
all I've got to do is say the word to

them, and one dark night, in some back
alley, when you're not expecting it,

you'll get yours.

I think we're going to have to change
our tablets, Norman.

Nothing's going to happen to Glover. It
certainly won't, not while there's a

breath in my body. I know everything.
Figgis has told me about the glove, your

big bungle.

No, but I was talking about the dog.
We'll get the best legal brains. We'll

you to every court in the country.
You'll never practice again.

What dog?

My dog, Victor.

They've operated. He's going to be all
right.

Isn't that good news?

Yes. Very good.

Crikey.

Excuse me.

Yes, Stringer, it's me, the man the
world forgot.

Listen, I'll call you Mr.

Stringer when you earn the title.

You little creep.

Yes, yes, that's what I called you.

A pint -sized, 18 -carat, plastic
-coated creep.

No, no, I'm not drunk.

I'm seeing everything very clearly.

Archie. No, you can't fire me. I quit.
You can take your job and stick it.

Archie, listen.

I don't like you. I don't like anyone
who looks like you. I don't like your

I don't like your rugs. I don't like
your sunken bath.

In fact, I don't like anything about
you.

Oh, that's telling him it.

Archie, you're going to be all right. It
wasn't you after all.

Thorpe was talking about his dog.

and they have this unfortunate side
effect, so if I did say anything

Mr. Stringer?

Mr. Stringer!

Well, I think I'll get back to bed. Have
an early night.

Figgis!

Yes, I make JCPY.

I make JCPY.

I know I am. I'm sure I am. I make JCPY.
Yes, I make JCPY.

Yes, I make JCPY.

I know I am. I'm sure I am.

Yes, I make JCPY.