Original subtitles

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am, I'm sure I am.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am, I'm sure I am. He's H -A -P -P -Y.

Today's the day, then?

Yes.

Cigarette.

Should I, before an operation? Go on, take it. They won't mind.

Thanks.

Even the condemned man has a last cigarette.

Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

What's the matter? Red in the morning, shepherd's warning.

Will you shut up?

Are you nervous?

Of course he's not nervous.

No, I'm not nervous.

Of course you're not nervous.

No, I'm not.

Don't tell me you're not nervous. You got out of bed and prayed three times

night. No, I didn't. I was looking for my cufflinks. Why?

You won't be going anywhere, not for a long time.

I don't care. I'm not nervous.

I know I'm in good hands. You mean Thorpe. Do me a favour. He won't be any

till he gets the right glasses.

He's a very good surgeon. I've been speaking to some of his patients. They

say the same. Well, of course they do.

They're not going to fall out with him, are they? They might have to go back.

Don't forget.

He's got the only job where they can scar you for life and get away with it.

Don't take any notice, Norman. I'm sure you've no need to worry. I know Thorpe's

a bit, uh... Well, a bit, um... Loony?

Harrest! He carries a great deal of responsibility.

But once he gets you in there, he's very professional.

Oh, did you hear that? Isn't it amazing how the middle classes stick together,

eh? Of course he's very professional with them. He gets the best silver out.

They don't get any rusty scalpels. Soon have you out again playing golf, old

chap. Pip -pip. Different for us.

It's all cut and thrust.

It hasn't done you any harm, Figgis.

That's only because of my natural resistance, my working -class ability to

endure pain and suffering.

What do you mean?

They're to carry you down there kicking and screaming.

You can't stand pain.

You can't even stand the sight of blood.

Look what happened when they brought that chap in with a gashed arm.

He had to get off the stretcher to make room for you.

Where's your stiff upper lip, Figgis? I've chewed it away, mate, like everyone

else around here.

Well, I'm not worried. Mother thinks Dr Thorpe's wonderful.

She says he's got a gift for healing. He's got what?

She says he has made the thick walk.

Oh, no, he's made a few of them run before now.

Well,

he did a very good job with me.

He removed my appendix as clean as a whistle.

Not much of a scar, either. Mark you with a body like this, he knew he had to

careful.

Yes, he carried it out with absolute precision.

You can hardly call it precision, Archie. You went in there with chest

Well, that was an administrative blunder, not his fault. Anyway, it

doing. He told me it was full of dangerous bacteria.

Dangerous bacteria. Don't call a few great pips dangerous bacteria.

I still say he did an excellent job.

Yeah, well, that was on Wednesday, wasn't it?

This is Monday.

What's that got to do with it? He's useless on Mondays. He always is when

been out with that Gilbert and Sullivan crowd.

I don't see any harm in that. Don't you?

Do you know what they call them in the Red Lion? The Wild Bunch.

They got thrown out last week for singing She's Gonna Manage Yum Yum 63

No, you'd have been better off on a Wednesday.

Tuesday's just picking up.

Thursday's thinking about the weekend again.

Mind you, with your appendix, you do have an advantage.

What's that? There's only one of them. He usually gets confused when he has two

to choose from.

Will you shut up, Figgis? Can't you see you're upsetting Norman? No, he's not.

I'm quite calm.

I know my life's in their hands, but I trust them.

They're decent, kindly people, and they're going to do their best for me.

Norman, will you come to the office, please?

There's been another cock -up.

Monday, Monday, everything is going wrong.

I wonder what it can be.

We've lost the key to the poison cupboard again.

You've not signed the form.

What is it?

A consent form for the operation.

Why didn't you say you had not signed it? I didn't know it was important.

Of course it's important. If something went wrong, where would we be? In the

fertilizer.

I'd better sign it. Yes.

What's going to go wrong?

Wrong?

Nothing is going to go wrong, Norman.

The chances of something going wrong are... Thank goodness, the chances of

something going wrong are just... Astronomical?

One thousand to one.

Good. Thousand to one?

Supposing I'm the one?

You will not be the one. It is one thousand to one that you will be the

suppose I am?

Then everything will be fine because you are signing the form.

Well, that won't do me much good. Please sign the paper.

Mr. Thorpe is a very good man. Nothing will go wrong.

Yes.

Yes, I like the way he always comes in singing.

He's... Full of beans, isn't he?

Good morning, Doctor.

Just signing my form.

Yes, well, don't rustle the paper, old chap. I've got a blinding headache.

It's for my operation.

Oh, yes, I was forgetting. How are you feeling?

I feel all right.

Good. I'm glad one of us does. I feel like death.

What have you done to your face, Doctor?

Oh, the ad. Cut myself shaving.

Look at those eyes, Gupta. Look at the whites.

Oh, dear, yes.

They look like a couple of poached eggs.

I'm not surprised. What a night we had last night.

Would you like a cup of coffee? Yes, that should stop the hands shaking.

What a morning.

Ever had one of those days, Norman, when you know everything is going to go

wrong?

Late getting up, couldn't get into the bathroom. My son was in there trying to

turn himself into Dracula again.

Don't know why he does it.

Trouble is, I think it's working.

Sure, his teeth are getting longer.

Then finally, when I did get in, I cut myself shaving. On the way out, I

the dog's head in the door.

When I left, I backed into the gates.

I can see your fingers are all done this morning.

Yes. She normally opens the gates for me, but not this morning.

Just because I had a night out. Well, perhaps I had one too many.

I must admit, I don't know how that traffic can get into the bedroom.

But I certainly didn't shut myself in the wardrobe and say, is anyone going to

push that button? Are we going to stand here all night?

She made that up just to annoy me. Have you signed that form, Norman?

I was wondering, Doctor, do you think you ought to do the operation today? You

don't look very well.

Nonsense. I'll be all right.

Once I can focus.

Now, don't you worry. Everything's going to be just fine. Why don't you go and

relax and leave the worrying to us?

Oh, Gupta.

What's the matter with you?

I've just been thought. He's cut himself shaving.

What did I tell you? Monday morning?

Don't take any notice, Norman. I'm sure there's no need to worry. Just look at

me. I feel fine. You don't look it.

I think you've aged. What?

No, I've always had these little laugh lines. I don't know why.

You've got nothing to laugh about.

You won't. You'll start moving around again, mate. You'll get the distinct

impression you've been interfered with. I'm not worried, Figgis. Of course

you're not worried. You're full of drugs. You've been on a trip ever since

operation.

The truth is, Norman, we are not designed for surgery. You should see

they've got down there.

Knives, cleavers, saws, drills.

You don't need a medical diploma for that job. You need an O -level in

But they've got to operate sometimes.

They'll operate any time. They'll whip out anything these days. They can't wait

to get their hands on your internal organs.

I didn't want it. I told them. I wanted antibiotics.

I happen to believe that nature always provides an antidote.

You didn't have all these operations in the olden days.

You had your scurvy, your plague, your pox, your consumption, your epilepsy.

But you never had appendicitis.

You probably didn't live long enough.

But what causes appendicitis? Well, it's emotional stress, isn't it? Well, I'm

not suffering from emotional stress. You will be once you get down there.

You know your trouble. You don't have the right mental attitude. You worry too

much. You should look at your Eastern philosophers.

Look at your Hindu.

He doesn't suffer from emotional stress.

Cholera and dysentery, yes, but not emotional stress.

That's because he's got the right mental attitude. He knows all about

resignation, patience and serenity.

Why is everything left to me? Running here, running there. One day I shall

myself coming back.

I should not be doing this.

What are you going to do?

I have to shave you.

Oh, all right. But I've already had one this morning.

Not where I am going to shave you.

Huh?

Oh.

See what I mean?

It started.

The indignity, the humiliation.

Talk about your life in their hands. You didn't know it was going to be a sex

life, did you?

Be quiet, Figgis. I don't want to move around over here now.

He's right, Norman. One false move and you could be singing soprano.

Sorry, I've never had this done before.

Don't worry, Norman. There's nothing to it. It's just like going to the

barber's, only you don't leave a tip.

Well, you shouldn't do.

Are you certain, sir?

No. You will be the way he's going on.

Tell him to take it easy.

Shut up, Figgy. You've got your... It may not seem much to him, but that's

pride and joy he's got.

Maybe the hope of future generations.

Tell him not to be in such a hurry.

Please don't hurry. I'm sure there's plenty of time. There is no time at all.

have too much to do.

My God, just look at him. It didn't take him long, did it?

He's only been in the country five minutes and he's suffering from it

What are you talking about? I'm talking about emotional stress, mate. You've got

it. I can tell by the way your hand's shaking.

Oh, but it wasn't like this in India, when you were sitting around in your

loincloth, meditating.

Yes, they may be a simple people figures, but they could teach us a thing

two. Who are you calling a simple people?

We are a civilization when you are living in caves, painting yourselves

Yeah, but that was before you went decadent, isn't it? We are not decadent.

work hard, not like you. You will not work. You are lazy. That is why you

balance a blasted payment.

Now, just a minute.

You hold it right.

Right there, Gongadin.

Don't call me Gongadin!

You keep out of this. I'm not standing by while the working man of this country

is insulted by someone who came over here one dark night in a bleating rowing

boat.

I did not come by rowing boat. I came by Air India.

Oh, yes, in somebody's suitcase.

I am a British citizen.

I came because I was needed, because I have a feeling for medicine. Are you

you've got a feeling for medicine? The way you're wearing that razor looks more

like the burgers.

What is the matter, Norman?

What are you doing? I'm leaving.

What have you done?

You must have your operation.

No, I don't want it. I've changed my mind. But you must have it, Norman. No,

feel a lot better. Norman! Leave me alone!

Where are you going?

I'm going to find my clothes!

I wonder what's going to do him.

I know I am, I'm sure I am, ooh, H -A -P -P -Y.

Any news?

He locked himself in the toilet, wants his clothes back.

But they can't just let him go. Well, of course they can, it's still a free

country. Thorpe's talking to him through the keyhole, but he won't let him in.

Sweeney, Todd has had more chance of getting through that door.

Oh, poor Norman.

Well, I hope you're satisfied.

What do you mean?

I suppose you've heard what happened.

I've just been talking to Norman through the lavatory door.

He refuses to have the operation.

He's in there quoting habeas corpus and flushing the distance.

But I, senior house surgeon, should be reduced to shouting my head off over a

cracked lavatory pan.

Shows the depth to which my career has now sunk.

Have you tried getting in touch with his mother?

Yes. Apparently she's in church somewhere praying for his immortal soul.

It seemed to indicate a general lack of confidence all round.

It would appear I am doing for surgery what Crippen did for medicine.

I'd like to know who gave Norman this impression and what's making him so

apprehensive.

Well, sure, it's not all that serious, is it, Doctor? I mean, if he doesn't

the operation?

Well, it all depends what you mean by serious figures. I mean, if he doesn't

have the operation, he'll probably die.

That sounds fairly serious.

Well, I didn't know that. He didn't seem too bad.

What's he looking at me like that for?

If you don't mind, Figgis, I think I'd like my scrabble board back.

Are you sure you're right, Doctor?

Oh, yes, I can honestly say if I don't get Norman into that theatre, his

condition could become critical.

But not half as critical as yours is going to be, Figgis. I hold you

for this. Now, wait a minute. All we did was talk. I didn't know he was going to

do anything like this.

I wouldn't do anything to hurt him. I'd sooner give me right arm.

I wouldn't say that around here if I were you.

He might take you up on it.

You could be leaving this place on stumps.

What can we do, Doctor?

I want Norman in that theatre as soon as possible. He'll come back in here to

change his clothes.

I want you to persuade him to have the operation.

Well, suppose he won't listen.

He'd better.

For your sake.

I don't care how you do it, but just do it and don't waste any time.

Let's face it, we failed, Norman.

You mean you failed?

Oh, if you don't mind, Archie, it's a bit late to start a portion in blame.

The question is, what are we going to do about it?

Well, what are we going to do about it?

Simple. As soon as he gets back here, we grab him.

Well, I'm not going to grab him. I've got 26 stitches.

I'd split like a sausage.

Now, of course you wouldn't, because we'd have the element of surprise.

he knows what's happened, Gupta will stick it in him.

Uh, stick what in him?

The needle.

Blimey, I don't have to teach you your job, do I? I can't do that. Of course

can. It's a matter of life and death. You heard what Thorpe said.

I don't care how you do it, just do it. Look, I thought we were going to use our

powers of persuasion. Well, of course we're going to use our powers of

persuasion. Then we'll grab him.

The big thing to remember is act natural.

If nothing's happening...

Oh, no, Norman, I didn't see you there.

You're not going through with it, then?

No. You must be feeling better.

Yes, I feel a lot better. You don't look it.

Just a few twinges, I'll be all right.

You know, you look just like my Uncle Fred.

He went that colour.

That brings it all back to me.

Wouldn't he have the operation?

No, well, it wouldn't have done him any good. He'd been dead three days when I

saw him.

And he still looked better than you do.

Well, why worry?

You could walk out of here and get knocked down by a bus.

I'm not going to have that operation, Roy. Suit yourself, but what are you

to do when the pain starts?

Oh, I can stand pain.

I'll take up meditation.

I would not attempt that if I were you. It is extremely difficult.

Now, I've seen them on television. They can stand any amount of pain.

They can lie on a bed of nails while an elephant sits on them. It may look

simple, but it is not.

I have practiced meditation.

It is the denial of the body through abstinence and contemplation.

I spent many days in...

Silent thought and prayer. My body totally motionless. All my senses

Until I achieved complete control and serenity.

Then I took this large nail and passed it through my lower lip.

What did it feel like?

It hurt like bloody hell.

Ah, you see, it didn't work for him, and he's one of the faithful. What chance

do you stand? You see a V.

All right, I'll take up faith healing. Oh, do me a favour. What are you going

do? Pop into the vestry and ask the vicar to lay his hand on your appendix?

think you've gone raving mad. Why?

Well, for one thing, he won't know where it is.

And for another, well, God doesn't work that way.

How does he work, then? Well, he works through people like Thorpe.

Thorpe is what you call your instrument of God.

I know he doesn't look much like it, but that's what he is.

Didn't know Thor believed in God.

Well, he doesn't so much believe in God, he thinks he is God.

You can understand it, really, dealing every day in life and death. It's a

sacred calling. And in a way, he's going to be playing God with your appendix.

Well, he's not going to be playing God with my appendix.

I'm getting out of here.

Grab him!

All right, I've done it.

Right. Now, there's no need to worry, Norman.

You'll just feel slightly dizzy, and then you'll feel very relaxed.

And then you'll find that your legs will get weaker and...

Haven't I suffered enough?

I'm going.

I'm going.

He's gone.

And I'm going.

freezing out here.

Let's go back and talk it over. No.

You'll catch your death of cold. I don't care.

Oh, come on, old son.

Just for me.

No. If I come back there, you'll stick that needle in me and then I'll be

helpless. I promise you there'll be no funny business.

Let's go back to bed where it's warm and talk it over.

Can I have my clothes back?

Of course you can have your clothes back. No funny business. I promise.

All right, then. Good lad.

You monster!

See, you're nothing to worry about. Sleeping like a baby.

No, darling, not now.

I know you find me attractive. It's understandable.

You've got to fight it.

Remember your marriage vows.

Oh, darling.

No.

Please.

I'm only human.

Don't call that sleeping like a baby.

It's good stuff they give you. It's extracted from rocket fuel. Sends you

straight into orbit.

Listen, supposing I stay in orbit, supposing I don't wake up? Of course

wake up. I'm not so sure. The chances are a thousand to one something will go

wrong. Oh, so that's what's worrying you. Statistics. You don't want to take

notice of statistics.

They say every fourth baby born in the world is Chinese. Well, we've got four

and they're all as white as you are.

It's not funny, Figgy. All right, all right. I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll improve the odds.

How can you do that?

Put that blue sock on.

What?

Do as I say. Put that blue sock on.

All right. I don't know why. Never mind why.

Right, now.

Put that red one on.

This is ridiculous. Just put it on. See?

We have now improved the odds.

How? Gupta, I want you to search your mind. Now, tell me the truth.

Have you ever heard of a case of a patient wearing odd socks dying under

anaesthetic? Now, don't rush.

Think about it carefully.

No.

I've never heard of such a case. Ah, there's never been such a case recorded,

not in the whole history of medicine.

That phenomena has never been encountered.

That's true. The odds must be fantastic.

Not worth contemplating, Gupta. There must be millions to one.

Well, I've never thought of it like that. There you are, you see.

Got to use a bit of it. I'll tell you what, just to make absolutely sure,

throw in the teddy bear as well.

Now, have you ever heard of a patient wearing odd socks and clutching a teddy

bear down on the other side? That case has never been recorded.

Well, if you put it like that... That's the spirit.

On one condition.

That you come down with me, Roy. Of course I will. And stay with me during

operation.

What about that? I think that can be arranged.

You won't let me down, Roy.

No, no, of course I won't.

of another care in the world.

Good Lord.

Now, gentlemen, I'm going to make my... What's this doing here?

It's for good luck.

Tiggis, be quiet.

Not a word. You just carry on, Doctor.

Is that his heart? It's jumping about a bit.

Oh, this looks sharp.

Get through some tissue with that.

Put that down, Figgis. Sorry, Doc, you just carry on.

Stand by with the clamps. He's a mate of mine.

This could be rather harrowing, Figgis. Don't worry. I'm not the sort to flinch

at the sight of blood.

Tell me where you want me to stand.

Well, don't knock anything down. I'm about to start.

Right. I want you to know I've got every confidence in you, Doctor.

H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am. I'm sure I am. I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

Yes, I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.