All language subtitles for Only When I Laugh s01e01 A Bed With A View

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am, I'm sure I am.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I know I am, I'm sure I am. He's H -A -P
-P -Y.

No, I don't think so. The nurse brought
me here.

Where's Seymour?

Seymour? I don't know.

He was here when I left.

Perhaps he's gone home? Gone home?
Nursing a compound fracture? Do me a

Compound fracture? Whereabouts?

Leg. Three places.

Tibia and fibula.

He's held together with a metal pin.
There's a danger of infection. He won't

going home in a hurry.

You're lost without your legs, aren't
you? I mean, legs are important, aren't

they? You ought to hear him. He's a
ruddy ballroom dancer.

Oh.

Still? You've got to look on the bright
side.

What bright side? He'll never do the
quick step again.

Couldn't even manage a slow waltz.
Where's the bright side?

Well, at least he's in the right place.
They can do wonders here. Don't say that

to him. He only came in with an
ingrowing toenail.

Fell off the operating table.

They say his legs snapped like a dead
twig.

Oh, dear.

What's the matter?

I don't feel very well. Well, of course
you don't feel very well. That's why

you're here.

He's gone, all right. His windows are
missing.

Can't see him going without saying
goodbye.

Perhaps he's gone to another ward. Oh,
well, he might have done. I've been down

in X -ray for hours.

If I have any more, I'll be lighting up
in the dark.

Of course, they may have moved him
because of Glover.

Is it period?

Take a look.

I don't like to. Go on, won't do any
harm.

He's having his back rubbed.

Yeah, treats this place like a flaming
sauna.

What's wrong with him? Nothing.

And what's he doing here?

Undermining the health service.

He's turned this place upside down. He's
got a mulling all over the place. He's

supposed to be a gentleman. He even
brought his own sugar tongs. Middle

twit.

He shouldn't be in here with the serious
cases.

Are you a serious case? Of course I'm a
serious case, don't I? Look it. I'm

supposed to have peace and quiet.

Not you get that with Glover.

What's wrong with you?

I don't really know what it is.

What's your name?

Norman. Norman Binns. Roy Figgis.

Welcome to Jack the Ripper Ward.

What are your symptoms?

I've had a lot of pain down here.

Down there, eh? Well, that could be
anything. You're a growing lad.

They say...

Might be my appendix. Oh, yes, well,
they always say that. They say it

serve any purpose. We don't use it.
Well, there's lots of things we don't

but we don't want them whipping out, do
we?

Are you having surgery?

Well, they said they wanted a peep. A
peep.

You're going to have a laparoptomy.
That's what you're going to have.

Do you want to see something horrible?

What? Do you want to see something
really horrible?

I don't know.

35 stitches in there, mate.

Told me they were going to take a peep.
Turned out to be a flaming coat strip.

You've got so brilliant, why didn't you
give us zip fasteners?

You all right?

I've just come over a bit queer. Oh, I'm
not surprised.

I'm not right down here, you know.

You can always tell.

I'm not joined together properly.

I keep telling them there's something
wrong down here, but they won't listen.

I can't cough.

I daren't.

If I coughed, it'd be the end of me.

If I was all right, I'd be able to
cough.

I'm not joined up properly. My skin
doesn't fit me anymore.

I've been mutilated by the National
Health Service.

Who's doing you?

Mr Thorpe. Gordon Thorpe.

He seemed very nice.

You haven't met him with a knife in his
hand.

Do you think I ought to get into bed?
I'm feeling rather faint. I wouldn't if

was you. I should keep walking around
while you've still got the use of your

limbs.

I think my mother would like to see me
tucked in. No, I'm sure she'd prefer to

remember you upright.

Besides, who said you could have the bed
by the window?

Him in the white coat. Was it Gupta?

I think that was his name. Well, there
you are, then. He doesn't know anything.

He doesn't understand the situation.

There's been a lot of bad feeling
regarding this bed.

Has there?

Glover's set his heart on it.

Why? He wants to be near the window.

He wants to see the daffodils.

Well, perhaps I want to see the
daffodils. Listen, we all want to see

bleeding daffodils. That's not the
point.

It's a question of who's entitled.

Well, I've been put here. So was
Seymour. You know what happened to him?

know what Glover did?

Only loosened the wing nut on his
crutch.

I never thought I'd feel sorry for
Seymour.

Just getting his confidence he was,
swinging around on his crutch. I thought

was going to break into a velita.

And he just telescoped.

I've never seen anyone look more
surprised.

Nearly broke the other ruddy leg.

Oh, dear, well, I don't know what to do.
I mean, who is entitled? Well, I should

say the person who's been here the
longest. Well, who's been here the

am. Oh.

Would you like to have the bed? Thanks
very much. That's very kind of you.

And

that's

what we mean when we... Oh,

no. Are you in pain?

No, I'm a music lover.

This is no time for levity. Let's see
where the trouble is, should we? Down

here, is it?

Good Lord.

What about that, then?

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

Not for me to comment, of course. No, of
course not.

Not a pretty sight. I've seen Christmas
turkeys in better shape.

Not to worry, old chap. You're in good
hands now.

Who did this to you?

You did.

What? I think we've only just been
admitted, Mr... Bid. No,

I'm Figgis.

Figgis? Not X -ray Figgis.

Well, yes, they have taken a few. A few?
They cover a whole wall down there.

Like a map of the underground.

Stop! What is the matter?

What is the matter? Is something wrong?

Something wrong. It's another cock -up,
Gupta.

Patient in the wrong bed again. You know
what happened last time? Someone lost a

perfectly good gallbladder.

Can't afford any more slip -ups. We need
more efficiency. Get some labels in

these lighters. That is all very well.

I have been rushed off my feet all
morning.

Everything is happening altogether.

It is chaos, chaos, chaos.

I'm fed up. I tell you, I wish I was
back in Delhi.

Come on now, Gupta.

Don't let them see you like this.
They'll lose confidence.

That lower lip's drooping again.

The point is, we can't go around losing
patients.

Doesn't look good.

Now, if that's figures, where's bins?

You've got a comedian in our midst, have
we? Sitting here a few minutes and

hopping into other people's beds. Wasn't
the other bed comfortable enough for

you? Didn't it suit the contours of your
body?

Perhaps you'd like a spring interior.

Well, I don't want to put you to any
trouble, Doctor.

Are you trying to be funny?

No.

Now, look.

Norman it is, Norman.

You haven't made a very good start, have
we? No.

I'm sure we can do much better than that
if we really try. What do you say?

Well, it wasn't your fault, Doctor.

Of course it wasn't my fault, you
blithering idiot!

Now, Norman, it's important that we have
complete trust and understanding.

This is a very, very serious business.

Can't afford to make mistakes.

Do you make many?

Where's the pain?

It's down here.

It was a present from the lads, for good
luck.

Why should I want to do it?

You won't need luck, Norman. I'm sure
everything is going to be

Now, is the plane confident, or does it
come and go?

It comes and goes, Doctor.

Mm -hmm.

Leo?

It comes and goes, Doctor.

I knew it was going to be one of those
days.

I think he's half -witted. Keep an eye
on him.

Now, what we're going to do, Norman, is
take you down to the theatre later and

have a peep inside. Have a look around.

And if we find something we don't like,
we're going to snip it off.

You won't hurt.

You won't feel a thing. What you've got
to remember is it's all in a day's work.

It's as natural for me as you riding a
bicycle.

I fell off last week.

He's going to need something to relax
him.

What if I do that with a cricket bat?

What's going on there? Why are those
curtains drawn?

Now, if you could just do the muscles
around the back of my neck.

You've got such sensitive hands.

My God, you have been in the sun,
haven't you? Lover!

What are you doing here?

Just having a massage.

Shoulders are a bit stiff.

All this lying around doesn't suit an
active man.

I thought we discharged him.

He was readmitted on Saturday.

Why? I think it was raining.

What does he say is the matter with him
this time?

He collapsed in the supermarket and fell
into the deep freeze container.

He was readmitted complaining of cardiac
arrest and frostbite.

Just our luck.

Now, what seems to be the matter, Mr
Glover?

The old trouble, Mr Thorpe. The old
trouble.

There is no old trouble. We've examined
you thoroughly, given you every test.

What are you trying to hide? You can
tell me the truth, I can take it.

What's the real problem?

You're the real problem.

It's all in the mind, lover. How many
times do I have to tell you there is

nothing wrong with you?

Are you sure?

Absolutely. Well, this is great news.

Let me get out of bed.

There's nothing wrong with me. I never
thought I'd hear those words.

I'll be able to lead a full life again.

Oh, don't worry. It's only a momentary
weakness.

I'm all right. There's nothing wrong
with me.

Would you do me a favour, Thorpe, and
put that in writing?

Why do you want it in writing?

It's just for the insurance people. I
was thinking of increasing my cover,

especially after the dream.

What dream?

Well, it's always the same.

I'm rowing across this lake, and I see
this pale, shrouded figure standing at

the water's edge.

He lifts a ghostly trumpet to his lips
and calls out, Archie Glover,

come in, your time is up.

Ah.

Well, perhaps it wouldn't do any harm to
take another look at you.

Keep an eye on him, Gupta.

Keep an eye on all of them. There could
be trouble.

Oh, Doctor, my mother asked me to give
you this.

That's what she said.

Well, I didn't expect that. I shouldn't
really accept.

Thank you, Norman.

You know, there are days in myths, not
very many, but from time to time,

everything seems worthwhile.

Now, Mr. Binns, we need a few details.
We don't appear to have your sample.

My what?

Your urine sample.

I've just given it to the doctor.

H -A -P -P -Y.

I don't think Gupta likes

me.

Gupta's all right. He's very good with
sick people.

Terrible with healthy ones, mind you,
but you can't have anyone.

Doctor doesn't like me either. Think
he's got his knife into me? Not yet, he

hasn't.

Well, you shouldn't have given him that
bottle. That was your first mistake. But

they said I was to bring a sample.

A sample?

Looked like a year's supply.

You only needed a small bottle.

I tried that.

I had trouble with the neck.

It doesn't need to be too small.

I always use a tonic bottle.

You see, off to a flying start straight
away.

That gives them a social advantage over
you before they've even seen him.

They'll have him down as a gin and tonic
man.

No wonder he gets preferential
treatment.

If I'd have wanted preferential
treatment, I'd have had a private room.

don't need one, mate, the way the nurse
has spawned over you.

They think he's got money. They think
he's going to whip them back to the

ancestral home for a cucumber sandwich
and a quick go with a croquet mullet.

You should see it, Fig.

Ivy -clad walls, mullioned windows.

It's a different world.

stands the church clock at ten to three,
and is there honey still for tea?

Not that I'd expect a yobbo to
appreciate it. A yobbo? Who are you

yobbo, middle -class twit?

No need to fall out.

We're all in the same boat now. If we're
all in the same boat, why does he

always get his cocoa before me?

And the extra biscuit.

No, you'll find you're on your own round
here, mate. You've got to stand up for

your right.

I don't know about that. Listen, just
because they've taken your clothes

mean they've taken your identity. You're
still an individual.

If you're going to go, go with a little
dignity.

I'm not going anywhere.

I'm going to be all right.

Dr Thorpe said it'd be straightforward.

They always say that.

Why do you think they wear those masks?

I thought it was to stop germs. No, so
you won't know who's done it.

It's like a mission of the Ku Klux Klan
down there.

I feel faint again.

You know your trouble, too much
imagination.

You'll be all right as long as you
haven't upset anyone, interfered with

efficient running of the hospital.

Do you think we ought to change back? I
don't think they were very pleased. It's

not a question of whether they're very
pleased, it's whether we're pleased.

We're the patients.

I've told you, you've got to stand up
for your rights.

As a matter of fact, I'm very pleased.

The view is superb and the bed's very
comfortable.

Yes.

I'm surprised in the circumstances.

What circumstances?

Oh, haven't they told you?

Poor Seymour went this morning.

I know that.

I wonder where he went.

To a better place.

What? Oh, if only I'd been kinder to
him, Fig. After all, he never did me any

harm. I hope he can forgive me.

You don't mean... I don't believe it.
It's true.

Have a minto.

Not eating the poor devil's mintos.

Well, he couldn't take them with him.
They were already sticking together.

He went very quietly in the end. He just
turned to me and smiled and said, You

can have my mintos, Archie.

Those were his last words, lying right
where you are now.

Yes, well, that puts a different
complexion on things. It's obvious I

the bed now.

If he likes sleeping on his grave, we'll
have to change back. I don't want to

change back.

Look, I knew the bloke. You don't think
I'm going to sleep on his deathbed, do

you? Well, I'm not sleeping on a
deathbed. Come on, what do you think

doing? I'm standing up for my rights.
Never mind your rights, you...

Lower your voice. Show a little respect
for Seymour. Why should I show respect

for Seymour? He's lucky he's gone home.

Gone home?

He wasn't feeling very well. Said he
couldn't stand this place any longer.

You said he was dead.

I said he'd gone to a better place.

I'll get you for that.

If you come near me, I'll tear your
stitches out.

Oh, I wish you hadn't said that.

Now, come on, figures. They want to do
some more tests on you.

Oh, I'm not having any...

beginning to fall out.

I'm already radioactive.

Oh, dear.

I think I've done it again.

Well, it's that bed.

He's going to hound you until he gets it
back again, you know.

He's ruthless.

He had to drive a ten -ton lorry before
he came in here.

Not used to people standing in his path.

What do you think I should do?

Well, the best thing that you can do is
change with me.

No. Oh, I don't think they'd like that.
Oh, they'll understand.

You see, they know.

They know the chance of time are running
out for Archie Glover.

They say there's nothing wrong with you.
Of course they do. They're just trying

to reassure me.

But I know.

I'm burnt out, Norman.

I've been too rash.

I've abused my body.

That's why I'm here.

Well, I haven't abused my body and I'm
here.

Beginning to wish I had now. At least I
had something to think about. Don't say

that, Robin.

Don't say that. There may still be time
for you.

Oh, if only I'd taken more care, had the
check -ups and the X -rays.

I think it's just your luck.

I had an uncle who went to East Africa.
He was very careful about his health. He

had injections for malaria, beriberi,
blackwater fever, sleeping sickness,

typhoid and cholera.

He'd only been there a few days and an
elephant trod on him.

least he didn't get malaria he didn't
have time don't mention time to me

it's a commodity i'm very short of all i
wanted to see were the daffodils

tossing their head in sprightly dance
the perfection of a newly formed leaf

beauty of a last spring is that too much
to ask

no

Then move over.

Are you sure it'll be all right? Oh,
yes, Doctor, I understand.

He's an Indian.

They're very sensitive, gentle people.

looking for something. I know they are.

What do you think it is? I don't know,
but the last thing they use looks

strangely like a metal detector.

Hey, hang about.

What's he doing in that bed?

He wanted to see the daffodils tossing
their heads in sprightly dance. Look, we

all wanted to see the daffodils tossing
their heads in sprightly dance. Why

should he have the best of everything?

Come on, Glover. Hey, look at me when
I'm talking to you.

I wouldn't disturb him.

Why is he staring at the wall like that?

He's just had an operation.

What do you mean? There's nothing wrong
with him. There is now.

He wasn't due for an operation.

I know.

He had mine.

What? I think there's been a mix -up
with the beds.

Well, couldn't you have said something?

I didn't realise until they brought him
back.

Do you think he'll be very angry?

Well, he won't be very pleased when he
wakes up and finds... and she's got a

vital organ missing.

It's only his appendix. I don't care. He
may have been attached to it.

And where is it now, eh? Down there in a
bucket.

Typical of the inefficiency of this
hospital.

Now, figures, I hope you're not
grumbling again and spreading gloom and

despondency. Remember, in every day and
every way, I'm getting better and

better. Oh, you might be. I'm certainly
not.

What about my operation? It's been
bungled. And I've heard there's a

missing.

Nonsense. We don't leave scalpels in
people.

It's not like leaving your umbrella in a
restaurant.

We count them in and we count them out.
We work with foolproof efficiency. I

mean, look at Norman here.

Sitting up and taking notice. You'd
never believe he just had an operation.

He hasn't.

What? I don't understand. It was
performed this afternoon. If he hasn't

who has? Yes.

Oh, heavens, lover.

Why do you people have to keep changing
beds all the time?

Mistakes are bound to happen.

How's he taking it? I don't know. Just
keep staring at that wall.

Hello, old chap.

Now, there's nothing to worry about.

You've been down to the theatre.

We've had a little peep inside.

And we've removed something, oof, no
bigger than your finger, huh?

Something we haven't used in years.
Something that's more trouble than it's

worth. How are you feeling, Archie?

Tired. I'm not surprised. He's just
removed your appendix.

I think he's trying to say something,
Doctor.

What is it, old chap?

Yes, I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

I'm H -A -P -P -Y.