Original subtitles

You must be the Countess. Desiree. From a land that must remain secret.

And you must be Bernhard Fox.

Bernie. No secret. He's fan.

When you called, you mentioned an urgency.

I'm in a desperate situation.

I need immediate protection.

You got it. From this moment, Bernhard, I'm in your warm and...

Sensitive hands.

I know you won't let me down.

Not anytime soon.

You know, you look younger than your photo in the yellow pages.

Good living.

Countess, what is the problem?

Someone is trying to kill me.

Oh, excuse me.

We're having a meeting.

Bernard. Excuse me, this is a friend. Helps clean up around the office.

Sally Sullivan.

And you are? Just leaving.

Bernie. What do you want?

I want to be finished here and be back at the cafe. You wanted me to do a skip

trace on an oral surgeon.

An oral surgeon.

Bernard.

What a crazy life you must lead.

Crazy. Listen, we got to go. You lock up.

In the chauffeur's uniform.

Yes, he was.

Bernard.

It is him.

He is the man that is trying to kill me.

Won't you?

What shall I do? Where shall I go? What shall I do?

Wrong guy, Bertie! Wrong guy! What is going on? What did you say? I said

uniform, chauffeur, you know?

Sir, we're sorry. Sir, mistaken identity. I don't want you to take this

but... You were easier on me. Well, I was looking for Bernie Fox, detective.

I'm sorry I jumped on you. Maybe another time.

Uh, no.

Go right in.

Would you, uh, wait for us a second, please?

Oh, sure. Uh, just have a seat.

Right. Where's the countess?

She's in there.

Bell Pops.

Sally, perfect.

Check. Crisis.

Take a second. Can you get into the fire?

I got stiff by star. Another story.

Won't take long, really.

Oh, I don't know.

You have to sing a birthday song to an old man. Fifteen minutes.

Easy money.

Chick, not now.

I don't think so.

Very modest.

She look good, huh?

Hey, lady, don't I know you?

Chick.

We must go.

No, really.

Blue Pigeon Club. April's shower stall?

Crazy.

I have never seen you before in my life. We're out of here.

If you want that face, it's all yours. Good luck to you.

Sweet Sally.

I'll owe you.

I've got to get back to work. Come on, Sally.

Sally.

Sing? And dance a little, too?

Sorry,

I just thought that... Be right with you.

A hundred clams, cash.

In advance?

Check the costume first.

You know, if it doesn't fit, well, you know, I gotta...

Excuse me.

Where is she?

Who? The Countess?

The Countess?

Oh, my God.

Sally, time is money.

Maybe I should just come back another day.

No, go on in.

and a jiffy.

I'm private investigator Sally Sullivan. How can I help you, Mr... Pete.

Pete Grady.

My wife is missing.

Oh? How long?

Three days now.

Why haven't you told the police?

Well, because I'm afraid she may have become involved in something illegal.

Tell me about it.

Wow. Oh, dear.

Forgive me.

No, no, it's wonderful.

Undercover, right?

Undercover, I wish.

Thanks, anyway.

Please, go on.

Well, I found deposit slips for large amounts of money.

Money that we definitely don't have. And clothes, expensive clothes.

Where do you think she got the money?

Well, that's just it, you see. I don't know. She doesn't have a job.

My work takes me away from home for... Sometimes weeks at a time.

Maybe she's getting a little lonely.

I love my wife.

I know that she's confused.

She's even seeing a shrink, a psychiatrist.

Might he know where your wife is?

Well, it's a she, and she's not returning any of my calls.

All right, looks great. Let's go.

Chick.

Sally, he's an old man. He doesn't have a lot of time.

Hold your horses, Chick.

What brought you to the Fox agency?

Well, our phone book was open and your ad was circled in red.

Where is she? Mr.

Plinney.

Where's Vicki?

That's right, Vicki.

Who are you?

Chick Leroy. A book acts for your club. It's a blue pigeon, purple mark. Sit

down and shut up.

Good to see you again.

Excuse me.

Where's Vicki?

I wanted to slip into something that would be easy

to slip out of.

You silly goose.

You didn't pull.

Silly goose, me?

Way long.

And blasting.

Why didn't you call the police?

Because everyone knows the police.

They can't pango.

I've never done this before.

Pango? No.

Made loud in the office.

I've gotten involved with a client.

How does it feel?

Against my better judgment.

I did not. Well, I ought to know.

Why is this man trying to kill you?

Oh, someone I know is doing his, how you say, laundry.

Now, I have the money, but as you must imagine, a woman like me would never do

her laundry.

Now, where do you plan to spend this money that didn't make it to the

Travel the world in style with someone who can appreciate the good life.

And me.

And where do I fit in?

How did you find me? You always stay here.

What the hell are you? I'm this woman's psychiatrist, and she is in grave

danger.

Countess? You have to return the money. What is she talking about?

Get out. Give me that purse.

No, no, no. Give it to me. Give me this purse.

Ladies, calm down. Calm down.

Wait, wait, wait.

No,

no.

Okay, okay.

My money.

Where is it?

He gave it to me to keep.

Oh, jeez.

You're going to kill me. What am I going to do? Calm down, Vicki.

Vicki? Who the hell is Vicki?

Buttocks. Dipstick.

Bun head.

Noodle brain.

Don't get yourself worked up. Hey, what do you think you're doing with that

stuff? I'm just going to give you something to calm you down. Oh, no, you

Calm down. What are you going to do with that?

Just calm down. Wait a second. What's this about? You.

Stay away from me.

Hey,

wait a second. What are you doing?

Oh, what's in this?

Dummy, what are you trying to do to me? First you stick this guy. Now he knows

all about me. You leave me alone.

Listen, Pliny came to my office. He's dangerous.

Where is he?

Yeah, I don't know.

I'm sorry.

Oh, dear.

Vicki, we've got to find the money.

Otherwise, they'll kill you.

And this looks fine. That color is lovely on you. Wait a minute. What about

Oh, uh, you'll be fine. Who is that guy, anyway?

I don't know.

Quick, we'll take the elevator. I've got my car outside.

I'll drive.

No.

Hey,

Vicki. Vicki, are you here?

Where are you?

Satisfied?

We don't know anything about any Vicki or your money.

Where's this Fox guy?

I told you, he went with a client, the Countess.

Vicki ain't no Countess.

Shut up.

She's a Countess with my 200 grand.

Look, in spite of your outfit, you seem like an intelligent lady.

How would you know?

But you got a real problem with your mom.

That's the phone.

Hello.

Bernie?

Bernie? Are you all right?

Come and get me. Say hello from me. Where are you?

Hotel.

Pacific sweet.

Bring some water.

Let's go.

Come on. You two, come with us. Move.

Move.

You stay put.

Hey, wait. That's my costume.

Chip, lock up.

Meet me at the cafe with the birthday boy. Shut up.

Are you here? Where the hell is she?

Vic, you here?

Bertie.

Who are you supposed to be?

Oh, it's complicated.

I like it. It works for you. It works for me, too.

Good.

Are you all right?

All right, doll. She ain't here.

Time to get serious.

Wait a minute.

I've seen this dress before. In Eleanor's closet.

This is Vicky's. I bought it for her.

Vicky.

You're going to need a doctor, pal, unless you start telling me where she

No. He doesn't know.

No,

not Chinatown.

Oh, wait.

Is Vicki about 5 '6 with curly hair?

With brown eyes?

Yeah. I have an idea where the money might be.

An idea where it might be?

Yeah, right, Pete?

Yeah.

I can't find the son of a bitch. It is not here. Where would she hide it? I

don't know. I mean, would you look at this place? What kind of twerp would

here? Some kind of gnome nut?

Oh, my God.

Daffy. I can't stand it. I think I'm going to be sick.

Vicki, look around.

Where would you hide it? I wouldn't. If you were her.

Vicki. Wait.

Hold on now, baby.

It is not what you think.

This... It's very complicated, Camillo. You ain't kidding, honey. Where's my

money? Well, I am looking for it, but I don't know.

Bernard, I'm so terribly sorry.

They found me before. Cut the phony routine, Vicki. Please.

My money. Fast. Before a lot of people here get hurt. She can't help it.

What exactly is going on here? We're dealing with a multiple personality.

Is that right?

Well, I happen to have two personalities myself.

And I'm about to show all of you is the ugly one. Stop it, everybody.

I live here. This is my home.

Please, please, put the gun away.

Take another step, pal, and you won't even have a home. Eleanor, baby, it's

Peter. It's okay now. Nobody is going to hurt you.

Eleanor? Eleanor!

Look, I'm going to work here, people. And when I'm through, everybody, start

looking. Now!

Look, she's my wife, Eleanor. Not your girlfriend or your countess.

Everybody knows.

Knows what I'm thinking, what I'm doing.

This is a breakthrough.

This is thrilling. My money, please!

Peter.

I didn't know where it came from.

Or what to do with it. So I...

I hid it.

For us.

Well, it ain't yours. It's mine.

Get it.

Now!

Listen, there is something beautiful and wonderful going on here. Would you have

some patience, please?

Where's the money, Eleanor?

Good. Good. Thank you.

Peter, I am so sorry.

Forgive me.

How do you feel, Eleanor?

In control?

I think so.

Yeah.

I think they've both gone.

For good.

It's over, baby.

I'll be the judge of that, thank you.

Listen, Bozo, if it wasn't for us, you wouldn't have your money back.

What do you want, a medal?

No. Just for you to be a little bit grateful that you're not going to jail.

take your laundry money and thank your lucky stars that we're so forgiving.

If you ever need a job, doll, look me up.

In your dreams, darling.

Vicki, I mean, Countess... Eleanor.

Whatever. Keep your nose clean.

And stand by your man.

And forget you ever knew me.

I never did.

Yeah. Everyone.

It's been real.

Ciao.

Thank you.

Whoever you are.

Sally.

I'm sorry about the injection.

It's occupational hazard.

Multimodal functionality is a creative building.

It's a rather ingenious attempt to cope with the plenty of difficulties while

retaining the ability to function and really love.

For he's a jolly good fellow.

For he's a jolly good fellow.

Not a singer, really.

Dancer? No.

Well, I know she's really a private detective.

Well, she's not really a detective.

Coming through.

Well, what is she, really?

She's awake.

Mom, got a couple of kids.

Just trying to make friends with me, you know.

So, what did you think?

Look, Sally, I want you to call me.