Original subtitles

Okay, what do you guys want to hear today?

I don't all talk at once.

Okay, doctor jokes.

You guys don't look too well.

Doctor, I feel like a yo -yo.

Sit down, sit down, sit down.

Doctor, sometimes I feel like I'm a dog.

Why do you say that?

You should feel my nose.

Doctor,

I have a...

Terrible sore throat.

He said, I want you to go to the window and stick your tongue out.

I said, will that help?

He said, no, but I don't like my neighbors.

Boy, I know you're there. I can hear you breathing.

What are you putting in a coffee, sweetheart? I'm dying here.

Dying's easy. Comedy's hard, Sid.

Edmund King.

What? He said it. A lot of people take credit for that line, but he said it on

his deathbed.

An actor.

Your regular history lesson, Sid.

Only to beautiful girls, sweetheart.

And more than a little fresh.

Bum walks up to me, says, I haven't eaten in three days.

I said, force yourself.

We were so poor, my mother couldn't afford to have me, so my aunt did for

He never gives up, does he?

Old comedians never die, they just find new audiences.

Yeah. They're non -paying audiences.

Oh, God, oh, chill. He burdens up their day a little. Maybe he could burden up

mine. Like by buying a meal now.

Johnny, think of yourself as a patron of the arts.

You know, guys like this, they're few and far between.

Remind me of my first love. I bet you say that to older girls.

Just like that.

Awful.

Makes you think, huh Bernie?

Dust in the wind.

You dishing up philosophy now?

What'd I say?

That guy told me because

Sid has no family, he'll just get a city burial.

There's not going to be anybody there.

I don't think that's going to bother him a lot.

I don't think it's right.

He's got to have friends and family somewhere. We ought to try and find

Hey, it's a funny thing about me. I like clients that breathe.

That way I get paid most of the time.

We could go over to his place and maybe find something. I got the keys.

No.

Bernie.

What's going on?

I'm going to go someplace quiet and do some work.

This isn't going to take long, Mom. We're in, we're out, we're gone.

Chill, Ray.

Oh, come on, Mom. I got beach ball practice.

This will just take a minute, Ray.

Morning.

Ray.

I don't think he's coming back, though.

The reason my wife and I have been happily married for 40 years is we go

dinner. I go out on Friday, and she goes out on Saturday.

What a joke.

A lifetime of jokes.

Why would he keep them?

Sure looks younger there, eh?

Yep.

Hey, Bernie.

Want to see my impression of a man with a thousand faces?

As far?

Cool.

Uh, what's the occasion?

No special occasion. I just thought it'd be nice to have the boss over for

dinner.

It's kind of early to be hustling for a Christmas bonus.

You're under no obligation.

Grasshopper walks into a bar in order to drink.

Bartender says, hey, you know we got a drink named after you.

Grasshopper looks up, goes, what, Irving?

Shaboom. Shaboom.

That's rimshot. You know with the drums? Shaboom.

You guys ought to take your act on the road.

Well, you said there were at least a thousand jokes in that trunk.

Why do I get the feeling I'm going to hear every one of them?

He was a comedian during the last days of vaudeville and then on the borscht

belt during the 40s. He had a wife and...

A partner.

Bernie, you know show business.

You know, roar of the grease paint, smell of the crowd.

I think it's smell of the grease paint.

There, you see?

That's what I need, a little professional assistance.

Don't get involved with a dead man.

You should not, Ken Murray.

Do you have any carrot sticks?

Truth beef, your favorite.

I'm trying to cut back.

I'll make a call or two.

Ray, easy on the gravy.

So I took her out to dinner. Very elegant restaurant.

Turns out she's a vegetarian.

Huh? And I didn't know it at the time. And I made the horrible mistake of

ordering veal.

She said, veal? That's horrible. How can you eat veal? Those poor little baby

cows, they never even get a chance.

I said, they never get a chance.

They never get a chance to be what?

Beef?

This guy is funny.

I mean, with a capital F.

He's an ex -Robin Williams. Brilliant.

Robin's joke.

What do you got?

Sid had a partner, a guy named Marty Cash.

Cash and money, we know that.

Cash is here, in town.

Chickster comes through again.

He lives under the second narrowest bridge?

It's all yours.

You come with me. I got business.

You brought me here in your car, remember?

The captain would have.

That's funny.

Well, she's got a nice eye.

I had to come all the way out here to get seasick. What's seasick? It's a

houseboat. Excuse me. I got a thing against sidewalks that move.

This one here in the end.

Cute, isn't it?

Jolson, shut up.

Jolson, like the finger.

No, like the dent. What do you want?

Mr. Cash?

Who are you?

Were you part of the musical comedy act with Sid Money?

I think you got the wrong party, doll face.

No, no, no. Look.

Is this you?

I'm a lot older.

I think what my partner means is if we had a few minutes of your time, we could

clear this up. You listen to me. I don't know who you're looking for, and I

don't know you.

So why don't you have a nice life, send lots of flowers to your mothers, and

goodbye. You don't even know what we want.

And I don't want to.

Come on, Jolson.

What are you

doing?

Just seeing if she's still in tune.

So? So what?

Is it tuned? She's flat.

Bernie, Sid goes into the ground for two days.

Life's like that.

Chick gave me a bunch of people at an old folks home. We used to perform at

same time Sid did. It's all set up.

You're not going to let go of this, are you?

Come on.

Help me out this one time, please.

What is it?

You don't know Sid anything.

I just... I just want to see him go out the right way.

I do, I remember.

Like yesterday.

I was slimmer then.

The girl with the golden curl.

That's what they called me.

We played The Last Days of Waterville.

Movies killed it, you know.

I remember cash and money, but I never met them.

Are they alive?

Sid Money. He was a tumbler.

You know, a social director.

No. Sid Bernstein.

He was a tumbler.

Cash. Cash.

You don't remember?

I remember everything.

Who was Evelyn Waters?

I don't remember.

Marty Cash, yeah.

He did the borscht belt with a partner, Sid Money, right.

Cash and Money, right.

That was a good name.

They could have gone to the top with that name.

We didn't have a good name.

Bloom and Carp, that was us.

A lousy name now that I think of it.

They broke up back in, um...

42, I think. Maybe 49.

I think there was a lady.

Yeah, there was a lady.

Are you married?

We know for sure that Sid and Marty weren't talking to each other. It's a

Maybe. No, she was real woman. Why do men always blame everything on women?

What, does this mean that I'm giving you a headache?

I read an article with it that asked if it was good for you.

The one that says it reduces high blood pressure.

You know, Bern, you're fine.

Maybe avoid a cheeseburger now and then, a little more exercise, but you're all

right. When did you start practicing medicine?

What, do you think you're going to live forever?

You've reached Fox Investigations. Please leave your message after the

Bernie? Hi, it's me, Sally.

You there?

You're not there.

Okay. Listen, listen.

I've been thinking about it, and I really think that we've got to go back

Marty's tomorrow. I just got a hunch about it, so...

I'm free in the morning, okay?

Right, okay, well, I'll be there in the morning, and maybe I'll see you. Bye.

Good morning, Mr. Cash.

Took you long enough.

Oh, you knew I'd be back.

At my age, pains don't go away.

Sid died two days ago.

So what do you want me to do?

I want you to be at his funeral tomorrow.

Can't. Why?

I'm planting roses. They're very touchy. Gotta go slow.

Why are you mad?

I'm not mad.

Oh, I know mad.

Look, I'm 78 years old. I'm allowed to get mad.

Besides, it's the law.

Well, it ought to be the law.

Hi.

Thanks for the backup, partner.

Yeah, well, you owe me one.

I think I met you once in Buffalo.

I've never been there.

Must have been two other guys.

What are you, a wise guy?

The whole world is full of wise guys.

Also, you should work on your timing.

I keep trying.

She's not going to give up.

You know the type that gets under the skin.

I don't like to go to funerals.

Too many dead people at funerals.

At my age, I don't want to spend too much time with dead people.

Marty, maybe you ought to talk to someone.

Well, there's still someone that wants to listen.

Her name was Cassie.

Cassandra Willow. That was her professional name.

She danced like an angel.

Her hair?

Her hair was like corn silk.

And you could see a life in her eyes.

She had a grace like I never saw.

You know, when she danced, all the schmata salesmen and the butchers and

wives would all just keep still while she danced.

Oh, she was an angel.

There was no one else.

When he stole her away from me, I swore I would never say his name again.

Even after she died.

Sid's gone.

You can't blame him anymore.

So what else is there then?

Pelopon?

That's Bloom.

Bloom and Carp.

What a lousy name for an act, huh?

Okay, you nuts.

You satisfied, huh?

Not only do I have a stomachache, but I got to be here, too.

Boy, I could sure use a glass of seltzer.

So, I suppose you want a speech, huh?

40 years I don't talk to this schlemiel.

Just to be able to talk about him today.

That's why I live to be 78?

Come on, gather around. Get closer.

I'm not going to throw a bouquet after this ceremony.

Ah, what the hell.

We were partners for five and a half years.

One year, we made $100 a week.

That was 1941. That was our best year.

What do you want for free?

Huh?

Well, you all know what it was like.

We played every place from New York to Moose Jaw.

Cold hotels, lousy food, crooked agents.

One time...

This guy was collecting $5 from everybody to give a funeral for an agent

died. Sid said, here's 10, bury two.

That's very funny. We only liberated material from the top comics.

We only stole from the best.

One summer we played for the mayor of Montreal.

That was a crown performance.

I bet you none of you ever did that.

So we weren't hoping Crosby and we weren't Martin Lewis.

We were good.

And we were partners.

We were partners.

Tell me that wasn't worth it