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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:07,439 --> 00:00:09,380 Okay, what do you guys want to hear today? 2 00:00:09,720 --> 00:00:11,060 I don't all talk at once. 3 00:00:11,620 --> 00:00:12,880 Okay, doctor jokes. 4 00:00:13,260 --> 00:00:14,560 You guys don't look too well. 5 00:00:15,240 --> 00:00:17,420 Doctor, I feel like a yo -yo. 6 00:00:18,020 --> 00:00:20,300 Sit down, sit down, sit down. 7 00:00:23,960 --> 00:00:26,700 Doctor, sometimes I feel like I'm a dog. 8 00:00:27,660 --> 00:00:28,660 Why do you say that? 9 00:00:29,540 --> 00:00:30,640 You should feel my nose. 10 00:00:31,640 --> 00:00:32,640 Doctor, 11 00:00:33,140 --> 00:00:34,059 I have a... 12 00:00:34,060 --> 00:00:35,019 Terrible sore throat. 13 00:00:35,020 --> 00:00:36,920 He said, I want you to go to the window and stick your tongue out. 14 00:00:38,060 --> 00:00:39,120 I said, will that help? 15 00:00:39,520 --> 00:00:41,460 He said, no, but I don't like my neighbors. 16 00:00:48,080 --> 00:00:49,740 Boy, I know you're there. I can hear you breathing. 17 00:00:51,700 --> 00:00:53,940 What are you putting in a coffee, sweetheart? I'm dying here. 18 00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:55,960 Dying's easy. Comedy's hard, Sid. 19 00:00:56,400 --> 00:00:57,400 Edmund King. 20 00:00:57,700 --> 00:01:02,080 What? He said it. A lot of people take credit for that line, but he said it on 21 00:01:02,080 --> 00:01:03,080 his deathbed. 22 00:01:03,530 --> 00:01:04,530 An actor. 23 00:01:04,709 --> 00:01:06,490 Your regular history lesson, Sid. 24 00:01:06,790 --> 00:01:08,690 Only to beautiful girls, sweetheart. 25 00:01:09,730 --> 00:01:11,130 And more than a little fresh. 26 00:01:14,570 --> 00:01:16,990 Bum walks up to me, says, I haven't eaten in three days. 27 00:01:18,190 --> 00:01:19,690 I said, force yourself. 28 00:01:21,030 --> 00:01:25,350 We were so poor, my mother couldn't afford to have me, so my aunt did for 29 00:01:25,650 --> 00:01:26,870 He never gives up, does he? 30 00:01:27,610 --> 00:01:30,710 Old comedians never die, they just find new audiences. 31 00:01:35,169 --> 00:01:37,010 Yeah. They're non -paying audiences. 32 00:01:37,490 --> 00:01:40,790 Oh, God, oh, chill. He burdens up their day a little. Maybe he could burden up 33 00:01:40,790 --> 00:01:43,050 mine. Like by buying a meal now. 34 00:01:43,990 --> 00:01:46,950 Johnny, think of yourself as a patron of the arts. 35 00:01:47,190 --> 00:01:49,230 You know, guys like this, they're few and far between. 36 00:02:20,990 --> 00:02:23,970 Remind me of my first love. I bet you say that to older girls. 37 00:04:15,760 --> 00:04:16,839 Just like that. 38 00:04:18,399 --> 00:04:19,399 Awful. 39 00:04:20,899 --> 00:04:22,300 Makes you think, huh Bernie? 40 00:04:29,580 --> 00:04:30,580 Dust in the wind. 41 00:04:32,980 --> 00:04:35,000 You dishing up philosophy now? 42 00:04:36,040 --> 00:04:37,040 What'd I say? 43 00:04:44,520 --> 00:04:51,300 That guy told me because 44 00:04:51,300 --> 00:04:53,620 Sid has no family, he'll just get a city burial. 45 00:04:53,940 --> 00:04:55,260 There's not going to be anybody there. 46 00:04:55,600 --> 00:04:57,720 I don't think that's going to bother him a lot. 47 00:04:58,730 --> 00:04:59,870 I don't think it's right. 48 00:05:01,090 --> 00:05:04,590 He's got to have friends and family somewhere. We ought to try and find 49 00:05:04,770 --> 00:05:07,630 Hey, it's a funny thing about me. I like clients that breathe. 50 00:05:07,950 --> 00:05:10,410 That way I get paid most of the time. 51 00:05:11,850 --> 00:05:14,750 We could go over to his place and maybe find something. I got the keys. 52 00:05:15,070 --> 00:05:16,070 No. 53 00:05:17,370 --> 00:05:18,370 Bernie. 54 00:05:20,650 --> 00:05:21,650 What's going on? 55 00:05:22,530 --> 00:05:24,750 I'm going to go someplace quiet and do some work. 56 00:05:28,330 --> 00:05:31,330 This isn't going to take long, Mom. We're in, we're out, we're gone. 57 00:05:31,570 --> 00:05:32,570 Chill, Ray. 58 00:05:34,170 --> 00:05:36,630 Oh, come on, Mom. I got beach ball practice. 59 00:05:36,890 --> 00:05:38,030 This will just take a minute, Ray. 60 00:05:39,770 --> 00:05:40,770 Morning. 61 00:05:42,050 --> 00:05:43,050 Ray. 62 00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:29,820 I don't think he's coming back, though. 63 00:07:24,580 --> 00:07:28,920 The reason my wife and I have been happily married for 40 years is we go 64 00:07:28,920 --> 00:07:32,120 dinner. I go out on Friday, and she goes out on Saturday. 65 00:07:33,340 --> 00:07:34,340 What a joke. 66 00:07:36,320 --> 00:07:37,720 A lifetime of jokes. 67 00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:40,920 Why would he keep them? 68 00:07:45,900 --> 00:07:47,080 Sure looks younger there, eh? 69 00:07:47,680 --> 00:07:48,680 Yep. 70 00:07:49,100 --> 00:07:50,100 Hey, Bernie. 71 00:07:50,300 --> 00:07:52,440 Want to see my impression of a man with a thousand faces? 72 00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:55,800 As far? 73 00:07:58,180 --> 00:07:59,180 Cool. 74 00:07:59,540 --> 00:08:01,820 Uh, what's the occasion? 75 00:08:02,160 --> 00:08:05,980 No special occasion. I just thought it'd be nice to have the boss over for 76 00:08:05,980 --> 00:08:06,980 dinner. 77 00:08:07,280 --> 00:08:10,480 It's kind of early to be hustling for a Christmas bonus. 78 00:08:11,100 --> 00:08:12,420 You're under no obligation. 79 00:08:15,729 --> 00:08:17,510 Grasshopper walks into a bar in order to drink. 80 00:08:18,170 --> 00:08:20,930 Bartender says, hey, you know we got a drink named after you. 81 00:08:21,410 --> 00:08:23,750 Grasshopper looks up, goes, what, Irving? 82 00:08:24,850 --> 00:08:26,150 Shaboom. Shaboom. 83 00:08:26,650 --> 00:08:28,590 That's rimshot. You know with the drums? Shaboom. 84 00:08:29,650 --> 00:08:31,650 You guys ought to take your act on the road. 85 00:08:32,230 --> 00:08:34,270 Well, you said there were at least a thousand jokes in that trunk. 86 00:08:34,850 --> 00:08:37,049 Why do I get the feeling I'm going to hear every one of them? 87 00:08:37,970 --> 00:08:41,350 He was a comedian during the last days of vaudeville and then on the borscht 88 00:08:41,350 --> 00:08:44,630 belt during the 40s. He had a wife and... 89 00:08:45,210 --> 00:08:46,210 A partner. 90 00:08:47,270 --> 00:08:49,350 Bernie, you know show business. 91 00:08:49,630 --> 00:08:51,710 You know, roar of the grease paint, smell of the crowd. 92 00:08:52,310 --> 00:08:54,770 I think it's smell of the grease paint. 93 00:08:55,010 --> 00:08:56,010 There, you see? 94 00:08:56,530 --> 00:08:58,810 That's what I need, a little professional assistance. 95 00:08:59,670 --> 00:09:01,970 Don't get involved with a dead man. 96 00:09:02,210 --> 00:09:03,210 You should not, Ken Murray. 97 00:09:03,990 --> 00:09:06,750 Do you have any carrot sticks? 98 00:09:09,110 --> 00:09:10,650 Truth beef, your favorite. 99 00:09:11,550 --> 00:09:12,870 I'm trying to cut back. 100 00:09:19,470 --> 00:09:20,690 I'll make a call or two. 101 00:09:23,830 --> 00:09:25,710 Ray, easy on the gravy. 102 00:09:43,110 --> 00:09:45,890 So I took her out to dinner. Very elegant restaurant. 103 00:09:46,270 --> 00:09:47,790 Turns out she's a vegetarian. 104 00:09:48,210 --> 00:09:52,840 Huh? And I didn't know it at the time. And I made the horrible mistake of 105 00:09:52,840 --> 00:09:54,060 ordering veal. 106 00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:58,580 She said, veal? That's horrible. How can you eat veal? Those poor little baby 107 00:09:58,580 --> 00:10:00,160 cows, they never even get a chance. 108 00:10:00,640 --> 00:10:03,120 I said, they never get a chance. 109 00:10:03,920 --> 00:10:05,820 They never get a chance to be what? 110 00:10:07,080 --> 00:10:08,080 Beef? 111 00:10:08,280 --> 00:10:11,060 This guy is funny. 112 00:10:11,260 --> 00:10:12,500 I mean, with a capital F. 113 00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:14,820 He's an ex -Robin Williams. Brilliant. 114 00:10:15,820 --> 00:10:16,820 Robin's joke. 115 00:10:17,240 --> 00:10:18,240 What do you got? 116 00:10:18,600 --> 00:10:20,980 Sid had a partner, a guy named Marty Cash. 117 00:10:21,380 --> 00:10:22,620 Cash and money, we know that. 118 00:10:23,080 --> 00:10:24,820 Cash is here, in town. 119 00:10:27,760 --> 00:10:29,220 Chickster comes through again. 120 00:10:29,540 --> 00:10:31,280 He lives under the second narrowest bridge? 121 00:10:31,660 --> 00:10:32,660 It's all yours. 122 00:10:32,680 --> 00:10:34,800 You come with me. I got business. 123 00:10:35,220 --> 00:10:37,260 You brought me here in your car, remember? 124 00:10:39,100 --> 00:10:40,340 The captain would have. 125 00:10:41,280 --> 00:10:42,179 That's funny. 126 00:10:42,180 --> 00:10:45,440 Well, she's got a nice eye. 127 00:10:49,100 --> 00:10:52,720 I had to come all the way out here to get seasick. What's seasick? It's a 128 00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:57,220 houseboat. Excuse me. I got a thing against sidewalks that move. 129 00:10:58,860 --> 00:11:00,160 This one here in the end. 130 00:11:01,540 --> 00:11:02,540 Cute, isn't it? 131 00:11:09,920 --> 00:11:10,920 Jolson, shut up. 132 00:11:11,360 --> 00:11:12,600 Jolson, like the finger. 133 00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:14,580 No, like the dent. What do you want? 134 00:11:14,940 --> 00:11:15,940 Mr. Cash? 135 00:11:17,060 --> 00:11:18,060 Who are you? 136 00:11:18,160 --> 00:11:20,860 Were you part of the musical comedy act with Sid Money? 137 00:11:21,160 --> 00:11:23,040 I think you got the wrong party, doll face. 138 00:11:23,320 --> 00:11:24,320 No, no, no. Look. 139 00:11:26,820 --> 00:11:27,820 Is this you? 140 00:11:32,060 --> 00:11:33,060 I'm a lot older. 141 00:11:33,220 --> 00:11:36,040 I think what my partner means is if we had a few minutes of your time, we could 142 00:11:36,040 --> 00:11:39,840 clear this up. You listen to me. I don't know who you're looking for, and I 143 00:11:39,840 --> 00:11:40,840 don't know you. 144 00:11:41,140 --> 00:11:44,620 So why don't you have a nice life, send lots of flowers to your mothers, and 145 00:11:44,620 --> 00:11:47,220 goodbye. You don't even know what we want. 146 00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:49,180 And I don't want to. 147 00:11:49,620 --> 00:11:50,740 Come on, Jolson. 148 00:11:54,820 --> 00:11:55,420 What are you 149 00:11:55,420 --> 00:12:12,900 doing? 150 00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:18,700 Just seeing if she's still in tune. 151 00:12:19,740 --> 00:12:21,260 So? So what? 152 00:12:21,780 --> 00:12:23,280 Is it tuned? She's flat. 153 00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:29,280 Bernie, Sid goes into the ground for two days. 154 00:12:29,780 --> 00:12:30,780 Life's like that. 155 00:12:31,340 --> 00:12:35,880 Chick gave me a bunch of people at an old folks home. We used to perform at 156 00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:37,680 same time Sid did. It's all set up. 157 00:12:38,040 --> 00:12:39,820 You're not going to let go of this, are you? 158 00:12:40,480 --> 00:12:41,299 Come on. 159 00:12:41,300 --> 00:12:42,800 Help me out this one time, please. 160 00:12:43,500 --> 00:12:44,500 What is it? 161 00:12:45,900 --> 00:12:47,200 You don't know Sid anything. 162 00:12:48,520 --> 00:12:51,900 I just... I just want to see him go out the right way. 163 00:12:56,620 --> 00:12:58,060 I do, I remember. 164 00:12:58,780 --> 00:12:59,800 Like yesterday. 165 00:13:00,420 --> 00:13:01,680 I was slimmer then. 166 00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:04,420 The girl with the golden curl. 167 00:13:04,640 --> 00:13:05,980 That's what they called me. 168 00:13:06,420 --> 00:13:08,580 We played The Last Days of Waterville. 169 00:13:09,700 --> 00:13:10,960 Movies killed it, you know. 170 00:13:12,020 --> 00:13:15,180 I remember cash and money, but I never met them. 171 00:13:15,950 --> 00:13:16,950 Are they alive? 172 00:13:17,790 --> 00:13:20,490 Sid Money. He was a tumbler. 173 00:13:21,090 --> 00:13:22,990 You know, a social director. 174 00:13:23,290 --> 00:13:25,230 No. Sid Bernstein. 175 00:13:25,510 --> 00:13:27,090 He was a tumbler. 176 00:13:28,550 --> 00:13:30,510 Cash. Cash. 177 00:13:30,830 --> 00:13:32,250 You don't remember? 178 00:13:32,650 --> 00:13:34,330 I remember everything. 179 00:13:35,810 --> 00:13:38,070 Who was Evelyn Waters? 180 00:13:43,670 --> 00:13:44,930 I don't remember. 181 00:13:48,640 --> 00:13:50,260 Marty Cash, yeah. 182 00:13:51,380 --> 00:13:56,120 He did the borscht belt with a partner, Sid Money, right. 183 00:13:57,240 --> 00:13:59,040 Cash and Money, right. 184 00:13:59,820 --> 00:14:01,500 That was a good name. 185 00:14:02,020 --> 00:14:04,460 They could have gone to the top with that name. 186 00:14:05,680 --> 00:14:07,400 We didn't have a good name. 187 00:14:07,700 --> 00:14:09,820 Bloom and Carp, that was us. 188 00:14:11,340 --> 00:14:13,980 A lousy name now that I think of it. 189 00:14:15,100 --> 00:14:17,480 They broke up back in, um... 190 00:14:18,060 --> 00:14:20,940 42, I think. Maybe 49. 191 00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:24,040 I think there was a lady. 192 00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:27,320 Yeah, there was a lady. 193 00:14:31,300 --> 00:14:32,300 Are you married? 194 00:14:42,860 --> 00:14:46,540 We know for sure that Sid and Marty weren't talking to each other. It's a 195 00:14:47,240 --> 00:14:50,640 Maybe. No, she was real woman. Why do men always blame everything on women? 196 00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:57,240 What, does this mean that I'm giving you a headache? 197 00:14:57,460 --> 00:14:59,740 I read an article with it that asked if it was good for you. 198 00:15:00,300 --> 00:15:02,200 The one that says it reduces high blood pressure. 199 00:15:03,660 --> 00:15:06,140 You know, Bern, you're fine. 200 00:15:06,880 --> 00:15:10,880 Maybe avoid a cheeseburger now and then, a little more exercise, but you're all 201 00:15:10,880 --> 00:15:12,920 right. When did you start practicing medicine? 202 00:15:16,910 --> 00:15:18,390 What, do you think you're going to live forever? 203 00:15:24,010 --> 00:15:27,970 You've reached Fox Investigations. Please leave your message after the 204 00:15:30,650 --> 00:15:32,730 Bernie? Hi, it's me, Sally. 205 00:15:33,010 --> 00:15:34,010 You there? 206 00:15:35,830 --> 00:15:36,830 You're not there. 207 00:15:37,010 --> 00:15:38,410 Okay. Listen, listen. 208 00:15:38,730 --> 00:15:42,750 I've been thinking about it, and I really think that we've got to go back 209 00:15:42,750 --> 00:15:44,750 Marty's tomorrow. I just got a hunch about it, so... 210 00:15:45,720 --> 00:15:47,680 I'm free in the morning, okay? 211 00:15:49,180 --> 00:15:52,920 Right, okay, well, I'll be there in the morning, and maybe I'll see you. Bye. 212 00:16:00,920 --> 00:16:02,180 Good morning, Mr. Cash. 213 00:16:03,720 --> 00:16:04,780 Took you long enough. 214 00:16:05,180 --> 00:16:07,260 Oh, you knew I'd be back. 215 00:16:07,560 --> 00:16:10,420 At my age, pains don't go away. 216 00:16:13,140 --> 00:16:14,520 Sid died two days ago. 217 00:16:15,720 --> 00:16:16,960 So what do you want me to do? 218 00:16:17,340 --> 00:16:19,300 I want you to be at his funeral tomorrow. 219 00:16:19,820 --> 00:16:20,820 Can't. Why? 220 00:16:21,340 --> 00:16:24,780 I'm planting roses. They're very touchy. Gotta go slow. 221 00:16:26,060 --> 00:16:27,060 Why are you mad? 222 00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:29,880 I'm not mad. 223 00:16:29,980 --> 00:16:31,260 Oh, I know mad. 224 00:16:32,260 --> 00:16:35,120 Look, I'm 78 years old. I'm allowed to get mad. 225 00:16:35,980 --> 00:16:37,060 Besides, it's the law. 226 00:16:38,060 --> 00:16:39,320 Well, it ought to be the law. 227 00:16:39,780 --> 00:16:40,780 Hi. 228 00:16:45,210 --> 00:16:46,450 Thanks for the backup, partner. 229 00:16:46,930 --> 00:16:48,870 Yeah, well, you owe me one. 230 00:17:04,130 --> 00:17:06,170 I think I met you once in Buffalo. 231 00:17:06,930 --> 00:17:08,030 I've never been there. 232 00:17:09,470 --> 00:17:10,890 Must have been two other guys. 233 00:17:14,160 --> 00:17:15,180 What are you, a wise guy? 234 00:17:15,660 --> 00:17:17,420 The whole world is full of wise guys. 235 00:17:18,359 --> 00:17:19,960 Also, you should work on your timing. 236 00:17:21,020 --> 00:17:22,079 I keep trying. 237 00:17:24,640 --> 00:17:25,839 She's not going to give up. 238 00:17:26,280 --> 00:17:28,220 You know the type that gets under the skin. 239 00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:32,920 I don't like to go to funerals. 240 00:17:33,880 --> 00:17:35,660 Too many dead people at funerals. 241 00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:39,460 At my age, I don't want to spend too much time with dead people. 242 00:17:40,240 --> 00:17:42,800 Marty, maybe you ought to talk to someone. 243 00:17:43,850 --> 00:17:46,030 Well, there's still someone that wants to listen. 244 00:17:51,110 --> 00:17:55,810 Her name was Cassie. 245 00:17:56,790 --> 00:17:59,530 Cassandra Willow. That was her professional name. 246 00:18:00,950 --> 00:18:02,990 She danced like an angel. 247 00:18:05,950 --> 00:18:07,010 Her hair? 248 00:18:07,390 --> 00:18:09,550 Her hair was like corn silk. 249 00:18:11,050 --> 00:18:13,230 And you could see a life in her eyes. 250 00:18:13,970 --> 00:18:15,710 She had a grace like I never saw. 251 00:18:16,730 --> 00:18:21,890 You know, when she danced, all the schmata salesmen and the butchers and 252 00:18:21,890 --> 00:18:25,030 wives would all just keep still while she danced. 253 00:18:26,270 --> 00:18:27,990 Oh, she was an angel. 254 00:18:30,450 --> 00:18:32,690 There was no one else. 255 00:18:35,430 --> 00:18:39,170 When he stole her away from me, I swore I would never say his name again. 256 00:18:41,100 --> 00:18:42,540 Even after she died. 257 00:18:52,500 --> 00:18:53,500 Sid's gone. 258 00:18:54,460 --> 00:18:56,180 You can't blame him anymore. 259 00:18:58,060 --> 00:18:59,760 So what else is there then? 260 00:19:05,600 --> 00:19:06,600 Pelopon? 261 00:19:07,980 --> 00:19:09,080 That's Bloom. 262 00:19:09,320 --> 00:19:10,320 Bloom and Carp. 263 00:19:11,020 --> 00:19:12,780 What a lousy name for an act, huh? 264 00:19:17,020 --> 00:19:18,020 Okay, you nuts. 265 00:19:18,660 --> 00:19:20,340 You satisfied, huh? 266 00:19:21,080 --> 00:19:25,400 Not only do I have a stomachache, but I got to be here, too. 267 00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:29,360 Boy, I could sure use a glass of seltzer. 268 00:19:35,060 --> 00:19:38,320 So, I suppose you want a speech, huh? 269 00:19:41,310 --> 00:19:43,370 40 years I don't talk to this schlemiel. 270 00:19:43,710 --> 00:19:45,590 Just to be able to talk about him today. 271 00:19:46,110 --> 00:19:47,830 That's why I live to be 78? 272 00:19:50,250 --> 00:19:52,490 Come on, gather around. Get closer. 273 00:19:53,010 --> 00:19:55,110 I'm not going to throw a bouquet after this ceremony. 274 00:19:58,250 --> 00:19:59,410 Ah, what the hell. 275 00:20:01,210 --> 00:20:03,310 We were partners for five and a half years. 276 00:20:05,590 --> 00:20:08,850 One year, we made $100 a week. 277 00:20:09,310 --> 00:20:11,670 That was 1941. That was our best year. 278 00:20:14,010 --> 00:20:15,270 What do you want for free? 279 00:20:15,730 --> 00:20:16,730 Huh? 280 00:20:17,830 --> 00:20:19,750 Well, you all know what it was like. 281 00:20:20,910 --> 00:20:23,870 We played every place from New York to Moose Jaw. 282 00:20:24,710 --> 00:20:28,850 Cold hotels, lousy food, crooked agents. 283 00:20:29,750 --> 00:20:30,810 One time... 284 00:20:34,190 --> 00:20:38,910 This guy was collecting $5 from everybody to give a funeral for an agent 285 00:20:38,910 --> 00:20:42,550 died. Sid said, here's 10, bury two. 286 00:20:43,890 --> 00:20:48,850 That's very funny. We only liberated material from the top comics. 287 00:20:49,510 --> 00:20:51,450 We only stole from the best. 288 00:20:52,830 --> 00:20:55,450 One summer we played for the mayor of Montreal. 289 00:20:57,150 --> 00:20:59,330 That was a crown performance. 290 00:20:59,990 --> 00:21:01,810 I bet you none of you ever did that. 291 00:21:03,340 --> 00:21:06,260 So we weren't hoping Crosby and we weren't Martin Lewis. 292 00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:09,860 We were good. 293 00:21:14,760 --> 00:21:16,020 And we were partners. 294 00:21:22,540 --> 00:21:27,300 We were partners. 295 00:21:33,280 --> 00:21:34,620 Tell me that wasn't worth it 20324