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1
00:00:07,439 --> 00:00:09,549
Okay, what do you guys want to hear
today?
2
00:00:09,720 --> 00:00:11,060
I don't all talk at once.
3
00:00:11,620 --> 00:00:12,880
Okay, doctor jokes.
4
00:00:13,260 --> 00:00:14,640
You guys don't look too well.
5
00:00:15,240 --> 00:00:17,420
Doctor, I feel like a yo -yo.
6
00:00:18,020 --> 00:00:20,300
Sit down, sit down, sit down.
7
00:00:23,960 --> 00:00:26,700
Doctor, sometimes I feel like I'm a dog.
8
00:00:27,660 --> 00:00:28,710
Why do you say that?
9
00:00:29,540 --> 00:00:30,680
You should feel my nose.
10
00:00:31,640 --> 00:00:32,690
Doctor,
11
00:00:32,691 --> 00:00:34,059
I have a...
12
00:00:34,060 --> 00:00:35,019
Terrible sore throat.
13
00:00:35,020 --> 00:00:38,059
He said, I want you to go to the window
and stick your tongue out.
14
00:00:38,060 --> 00:00:39,200
I said, will that help?
15
00:00:39,520 --> 00:00:41,630
He said, no, but I don't like my
neighbors.
16
00:00:48,080 --> 00:00:50,550
Boy, I know you're there. I can hear you
breathing.
17
00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:54,599
What are you putting in a coffee,
sweetheart? I'm dying here.
18
00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:56,220
Dying's easy. Comedy's hard, Sid.
19
00:00:56,400 --> 00:00:57,450
Edmund King.
20
00:00:57,700 --> 00:01:02,079
What? He said it. A lot of people take
credit for that line, but he said it on
21
00:01:02,080 --> 00:01:03,130
his deathbed.
22
00:01:03,530 --> 00:01:04,580
An actor.
23
00:01:04,709 --> 00:01:06,490
Your regular history lesson, Sid.
24
00:01:06,790 --> 00:01:08,690
Only to beautiful girls, sweetheart.
25
00:01:09,730 --> 00:01:11,130
And more than a little fresh.
26
00:01:14,570 --> 00:01:17,280
Bum walks up to me, says, I haven't
eaten in three days.
27
00:01:18,190 --> 00:01:19,690
I said, force yourself.
28
00:01:21,030 --> 00:01:25,350
We were so poor, my mother couldn't
afford to have me, so my aunt did for
29
00:01:25,650 --> 00:01:26,970
He never gives up, does he?
30
00:01:27,610 --> 00:01:30,710
Old comedians never die, they just find
new audiences.
31
00:01:35,169 --> 00:01:37,010
Yeah. They're non -paying audiences.
32
00:01:37,011 --> 00:01:40,789
Oh, God, oh, chill. He burdens up their
day a little. Maybe he could burden up
33
00:01:40,790 --> 00:01:43,050
mine. Like by buying a meal now.
34
00:01:43,990 --> 00:01:46,950
Johnny, think of yourself as a patron of
the arts.
35
00:01:47,190 --> 00:01:49,900
You know, guys like this, they're few
and far between.
36
00:02:20,990 --> 00:02:23,970
Remind me of my first love. I bet you
say that to older girls.
37
00:04:15,760 --> 00:04:16,839
Just like that.
38
00:04:18,399 --> 00:04:19,449
Awful.
39
00:04:20,899 --> 00:04:22,339
Makes you think, huh Bernie?
40
00:04:29,580 --> 00:04:30,630
Dust in the wind.
41
00:04:32,980 --> 00:04:35,000
You dishing up philosophy now?
42
00:04:36,040 --> 00:04:37,090
What'd I say?
43
00:04:44,520 --> 00:04:51,299
That guy told me because
44
00:04:51,300 --> 00:04:53,650
Sid has no family, he'll just get a city
burial.
45
00:04:53,651 --> 00:04:55,599
There's not going to be anybody there.
46
00:04:55,600 --> 00:04:57,890
I don't think that's going to bother him
a lot.
47
00:04:58,730 --> 00:04:59,930
I don't think it's right.
48
00:05:01,090 --> 00:05:04,590
He's got to have friends and family
somewhere. We ought to try and find
49
00:05:04,770 --> 00:05:07,780
Hey, it's a funny thing about me. I like
clients that breathe.
50
00:05:07,950 --> 00:05:10,410
That way I get paid most of the time.
51
00:05:10,411 --> 00:05:15,069
We could go over to his place and maybe
find something. I got the keys.
52
00:05:15,070 --> 00:05:16,120
No.
53
00:05:17,370 --> 00:05:18,420
Bernie.
54
00:05:20,650 --> 00:05:21,700
What's going on?
55
00:05:22,530 --> 00:05:24,940
I'm going to go someplace quiet and do
some work.
56
00:05:25,021 --> 00:05:31,569
This isn't going to take long, Mom.
We're in, we're out, we're gone.
57
00:05:31,570 --> 00:05:32,620
Chill, Ray.
58
00:05:34,170 --> 00:05:36,630
Oh, come on, Mom. I got beach ball
practice.
59
00:05:36,890 --> 00:05:38,510
This will just take a minute, Ray.
60
00:05:39,770 --> 00:05:40,820
Morning.
61
00:05:42,050 --> 00:05:43,100
Ray.
62
00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:30,480
I don't think he's coming back, though.
63
00:07:24,580 --> 00:07:28,919
The reason my wife and I have been
happily married for 40 years is we go
64
00:07:28,920 --> 00:07:32,120
dinner. I go out on Friday, and she goes
out on Saturday.
65
00:07:33,340 --> 00:07:34,390
What a joke.
66
00:07:36,320 --> 00:07:37,720
A lifetime of jokes.
67
00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:40,920
Why would he keep them?
68
00:07:45,900 --> 00:07:47,400
Sure looks younger there, eh?
69
00:07:47,680 --> 00:07:48,730
Yep.
70
00:07:49,100 --> 00:07:50,150
Hey, Bernie.
71
00:07:50,300 --> 00:07:53,130
Want to see my impression of a man with
a thousand faces?
72
00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:55,850
As far?
73
00:07:58,180 --> 00:07:59,230
Cool.
74
00:07:59,540 --> 00:08:01,820
Uh, what's the occasion?
75
00:08:02,160 --> 00:08:05,979
No special occasion. I just thought it'd
be nice to have the boss over for
76
00:08:05,980 --> 00:08:07,030
dinner.
77
00:08:07,280 --> 00:08:10,480
It's kind of early to be hustling for a
Christmas bonus.
78
00:08:11,100 --> 00:08:12,480
You're under no obligation.
79
00:08:15,729 --> 00:08:18,079
Grasshopper walks into a bar in order to
drink.
80
00:08:18,170 --> 00:08:21,180
Bartender says, hey, you know we got a
drink named after you.
81
00:08:21,410 --> 00:08:23,750
Grasshopper looks up, goes, what,
Irving?
82
00:08:24,850 --> 00:08:26,150
Shaboom. Shaboom.
83
00:08:26,650 --> 00:08:29,120
That's rimshot. You know with the drums?
Shaboom.
84
00:08:29,650 --> 00:08:31,760
You guys ought to take your act on the
road.
85
00:08:31,761 --> 00:08:34,849
Well, you said there were at least a
thousand jokes in that trunk.
86
00:08:34,850 --> 00:08:37,800
Why do I get the feeling I'm going to
hear every one of them?
87
00:08:37,801 --> 00:08:41,349
He was a comedian during the last days
of vaudeville and then on the borscht
88
00:08:41,350 --> 00:08:44,630
belt during the 40s. He had a wife
and...
89
00:08:45,210 --> 00:08:46,260
A partner.
90
00:08:47,270 --> 00:08:49,350
Bernie, you know show business.
91
00:08:49,351 --> 00:08:52,309
You know, roar of the grease paint,
smell of the crowd.
92
00:08:52,310 --> 00:08:54,770
I think it's smell of the grease paint.
93
00:08:55,010 --> 00:08:56,060
There, you see?
94
00:08:56,530 --> 00:08:59,300
That's what I need, a little
professional assistance.
95
00:08:59,670 --> 00:09:01,970
Don't get involved with a dead man.
96
00:09:02,210 --> 00:09:03,530
You should not, Ken Murray.
97
00:09:03,990 --> 00:09:06,750
Do you have any carrot sticks?
98
00:09:09,110 --> 00:09:10,650
Truth beef, your favorite.
99
00:09:11,550 --> 00:09:12,870
I'm trying to cut back.
100
00:09:19,470 --> 00:09:20,690
I'll make a call or two.
101
00:09:23,830 --> 00:09:25,710
Ray, easy on the gravy.
102
00:09:43,110 --> 00:09:45,890
So I took her out to dinner. Very
elegant restaurant.
103
00:09:46,270 --> 00:09:47,790
Turns out she's a vegetarian.
104
00:09:48,210 --> 00:09:52,839
Huh? And I didn't know it at the time.
And I made the horrible mistake of
105
00:09:52,840 --> 00:09:54,060
ordering veal.
106
00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:58,579
She said, veal? That's horrible. How can
you eat veal? Those poor little baby
107
00:09:58,580 --> 00:10:00,260
cows, they never even get a chance.
108
00:10:00,640 --> 00:10:03,120
I said, they never get a chance.
109
00:10:03,920 --> 00:10:05,820
They never get a chance to be what?
110
00:10:07,080 --> 00:10:08,130
Beef?
111
00:10:08,280 --> 00:10:11,060
This guy is funny.
112
00:10:11,260 --> 00:10:12,500
I mean, with a capital F.
113
00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:14,820
He's an ex -Robin Williams. Brilliant.
114
00:10:15,820 --> 00:10:16,870
Robin's joke.
115
00:10:17,240 --> 00:10:18,290
What do you got?
116
00:10:18,600 --> 00:10:20,980
Sid had a partner, a guy named Marty
Cash.
117
00:10:21,380 --> 00:10:22,760
Cash and money, we know that.
118
00:10:23,080 --> 00:10:24,820
Cash is here, in town.
119
00:10:27,760 --> 00:10:29,320
Chickster comes through again.
120
00:10:29,321 --> 00:10:31,659
He lives under the second narrowest
bridge?
121
00:10:31,660 --> 00:10:32,679
It's all yours.
122
00:10:32,680 --> 00:10:34,800
You come with me. I got business.
123
00:10:35,220 --> 00:10:37,390
You brought me here in your car,
remember?
124
00:10:39,100 --> 00:10:40,340
The captain would have.
125
00:10:40,341 --> 00:10:42,179
That's funny.
126
00:10:42,180 --> 00:10:45,440
Well, she's got a nice eye.
127
00:10:49,100 --> 00:10:52,719
I had to come all the way out here to
get seasick. What's seasick? It's a
128
00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:57,220
houseboat. Excuse me. I got a thing
against sidewalks that move.
129
00:10:58,860 --> 00:11:00,160
This one here in the end.
130
00:11:01,540 --> 00:11:02,590
Cute, isn't it?
131
00:11:09,920 --> 00:11:10,970
Jolson, shut up.
132
00:11:11,360 --> 00:11:12,600
Jolson, like the finger.
133
00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:14,580
No, like the dent. What do you want?
134
00:11:14,940 --> 00:11:15,990
Mr. Cash?
135
00:11:17,060 --> 00:11:18,110
Who are you?
136
00:11:18,160 --> 00:11:20,930
Were you part of the musical comedy act
with Sid Money?
137
00:11:21,160 --> 00:11:23,270
I think you got the wrong party, doll
face.
138
00:11:23,320 --> 00:11:24,370
No, no, no. Look.
139
00:11:26,820 --> 00:11:27,870
Is this you?
140
00:11:32,060 --> 00:11:33,110
I'm a lot older.
141
00:11:33,111 --> 00:11:36,039
I think what my partner means is if we
had a few minutes of your time, we could
142
00:11:36,040 --> 00:11:39,839
clear this up. You listen to me. I don't
know who you're looking for, and I
143
00:11:39,840 --> 00:11:40,890
don't know you.
144
00:11:40,891 --> 00:11:44,619
So why don't you have a nice life, send
lots of flowers to your mothers, and
145
00:11:44,620 --> 00:11:47,220
goodbye. You don't even know what we
want.
146
00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:49,180
And I don't want to.
147
00:11:49,620 --> 00:11:50,740
Come on, Jolson.
148
00:11:53,771 --> 00:11:55,419
What are you
149
00:11:55,420 --> 00:12:12,900
doing?
150
00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:19,000
Just seeing if she's still in tune.
151
00:12:19,740 --> 00:12:21,260
So? So what?
152
00:12:21,780 --> 00:12:23,280
Is it tuned? She's flat.
153
00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:29,570
Bernie, Sid goes into the ground for two
days.
154
00:12:29,780 --> 00:12:30,830
Life's like that.
155
00:12:31,340 --> 00:12:35,879
Chick gave me a bunch of people at an
old folks home. We used to perform at
156
00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:37,680
same time Sid did. It's all set up.
157
00:12:38,040 --> 00:12:40,210
You're not going to let go of this, are
you?
158
00:12:40,211 --> 00:12:41,299
Come on.
159
00:12:41,300 --> 00:12:42,920
Help me out this one time, please.
160
00:12:43,500 --> 00:12:44,550
What is it?
161
00:12:45,900 --> 00:12:47,280
You don't know Sid anything.
162
00:12:48,520 --> 00:12:51,900
I just... I just want to see him go out
the right way.
163
00:12:56,620 --> 00:12:58,060
I do, I remember.
164
00:12:58,780 --> 00:12:59,830
Like yesterday.
165
00:13:00,420 --> 00:13:01,680
I was slimmer then.
166
00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:04,420
The girl with the golden curl.
167
00:13:04,640 --> 00:13:05,980
That's what they called me.
168
00:13:06,420 --> 00:13:08,580
We played The Last Days of Waterville.
169
00:13:09,700 --> 00:13:11,020
Movies killed it, you know.
170
00:13:12,020 --> 00:13:15,180
I remember cash and money, but I never
met them.
171
00:13:15,950 --> 00:13:17,000
Are they alive?
172
00:13:17,790 --> 00:13:20,490
Sid Money. He was a tumbler.
173
00:13:21,090 --> 00:13:22,990
You know, a social director.
174
00:13:23,290 --> 00:13:25,230
No. Sid Bernstein.
175
00:13:25,510 --> 00:13:27,090
He was a tumbler.
176
00:13:28,550 --> 00:13:30,510
Cash. Cash.
177
00:13:30,830 --> 00:13:32,250
You don't remember?
178
00:13:32,650 --> 00:13:34,330
I remember everything.
179
00:13:35,810 --> 00:13:38,070
Who was Evelyn Waters?
180
00:13:43,670 --> 00:13:44,930
I don't remember.
181
00:13:48,640 --> 00:13:50,260
Marty Cash, yeah.
182
00:13:51,380 --> 00:13:56,120
He did the borscht belt with a partner,
Sid Money, right.
183
00:13:57,240 --> 00:13:59,040
Cash and Money, right.
184
00:13:59,820 --> 00:14:01,500
That was a good name.
185
00:14:02,020 --> 00:14:04,460
They could have gone to the top with
that name.
186
00:14:05,680 --> 00:14:07,400
We didn't have a good name.
187
00:14:07,700 --> 00:14:09,820
Bloom and Carp, that was us.
188
00:14:11,340 --> 00:14:13,980
A lousy name now that I think of it.
189
00:14:15,100 --> 00:14:17,480
They broke up back in, um...
190
00:14:18,060 --> 00:14:20,940
42, I think. Maybe 49.
191
00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:24,040
I think there was a lady.
192
00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:27,320
Yeah, there was a lady.
193
00:14:31,300 --> 00:14:32,350
Are you married?
194
00:14:42,860 --> 00:14:46,540
We know for sure that Sid and Marty
weren't talking to each other. It's a
195
00:14:47,240 --> 00:14:50,910
Maybe. No, she was real woman. Why do
men always blame everything on women?
196
00:14:52,791 --> 00:14:57,459
What, does this mean that I'm giving you
a headache?
197
00:14:57,460 --> 00:15:00,290
I read an article with it that asked if
it was good for you.
198
00:15:00,300 --> 00:15:02,770
The one that says it reduces high blood
pressure.
199
00:15:03,660 --> 00:15:06,140
You know, Bern, you're fine.
200
00:15:06,141 --> 00:15:10,879
Maybe avoid a cheeseburger now and then,
a little more exercise, but you're all
201
00:15:10,880 --> 00:15:13,290
right. When did you start practicing
medicine?
202
00:15:16,910 --> 00:15:19,380
What, do you think you're going to live
forever?
203
00:15:24,010 --> 00:15:27,970
You've reached Fox Investigations.
Please leave your message after the
204
00:15:30,650 --> 00:15:32,730
Bernie? Hi, it's me, Sally.
205
00:15:33,010 --> 00:15:34,060
You there?
206
00:15:35,830 --> 00:15:36,880
You're not there.
207
00:15:37,010 --> 00:15:38,410
Okay. Listen, listen.
208
00:15:38,730 --> 00:15:42,749
I've been thinking about it, and I
really think that we've got to go back
209
00:15:42,750 --> 00:15:45,160
Marty's tomorrow. I just got a hunch
about it, so...
210
00:15:45,720 --> 00:15:47,680
I'm free in the morning, okay?
211
00:15:49,180 --> 00:15:52,920
Right, okay, well, I'll be there in the
morning, and maybe I'll see you. Bye.
212
00:16:00,920 --> 00:16:02,180
Good morning, Mr. Cash.
213
00:16:03,720 --> 00:16:04,780
Took you long enough.
214
00:16:05,180 --> 00:16:07,260
Oh, you knew I'd be back.
215
00:16:07,560 --> 00:16:10,420
At my age, pains don't go away.
216
00:16:13,140 --> 00:16:14,520
Sid died two days ago.
217
00:16:15,720 --> 00:16:17,040
So what do you want me to do?
218
00:16:17,340 --> 00:16:19,330
I want you to be at his funeral
tomorrow.
219
00:16:19,820 --> 00:16:20,870
Can't. Why?
220
00:16:21,340 --> 00:16:24,780
I'm planting roses. They're very touchy.
Gotta go slow.
221
00:16:26,060 --> 00:16:27,110
Why are you mad?
222
00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:29,930
I'm not mad.
223
00:16:29,980 --> 00:16:31,260
Oh, I know mad.
224
00:16:32,260 --> 00:16:35,120
Look, I'm 78 years old. I'm allowed to
get mad.
225
00:16:35,980 --> 00:16:37,060
Besides, it's the law.
226
00:16:38,060 --> 00:16:39,380
Well, it ought to be the law.
227
00:16:39,780 --> 00:16:40,830
Hi.
228
00:16:45,210 --> 00:16:46,770
Thanks for the backup, partner.
229
00:16:46,930 --> 00:16:48,870
Yeah, well, you owe me one.
230
00:17:04,130 --> 00:17:06,170
I think I met you once in Buffalo.
231
00:17:06,930 --> 00:17:08,030
I've never been there.
232
00:17:09,470 --> 00:17:10,910
Must have been two other guys.
233
00:17:14,160 --> 00:17:15,360
What are you, a wise guy?
234
00:17:15,660 --> 00:17:17,420
The whole world is full of wise guys.
235
00:17:18,359 --> 00:17:20,159
Also, you should work on your timing.
236
00:17:21,020 --> 00:17:22,079
I keep trying.
237
00:17:24,640 --> 00:17:25,900
She's not going to give up.
238
00:17:26,280 --> 00:17:28,390
You know the type that gets under the
skin.
239
00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:32,920
I don't like to go to funerals.
240
00:17:33,880 --> 00:17:35,660
Too many dead people at funerals.
241
00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:39,460
At my age, I don't want to spend too
much time with dead people.
242
00:17:40,240 --> 00:17:42,800
Marty, maybe you ought to talk to
someone.
243
00:17:43,850 --> 00:17:46,380
Well, there's still someone that wants
to listen.
244
00:17:51,110 --> 00:17:55,810
Her name was Cassie.
245
00:17:56,790 --> 00:17:59,530
Cassandra Willow. That was her
professional name.
246
00:18:00,950 --> 00:18:02,990
She danced like an angel.
247
00:18:05,950 --> 00:18:07,010
Her hair?
248
00:18:07,390 --> 00:18:09,550
Her hair was like corn silk.
249
00:18:11,050 --> 00:18:13,230
And you could see a life in her eyes.
250
00:18:13,970 --> 00:18:15,710
She had a grace like I never saw.
251
00:18:16,730 --> 00:18:21,889
You know, when she danced, all the
schmata salesmen and the butchers and
252
00:18:21,890 --> 00:18:25,030
wives would all just keep still while
she danced.
253
00:18:26,270 --> 00:18:27,990
Oh, she was an angel.
254
00:18:30,450 --> 00:18:32,690
There was no one else.
255
00:18:35,430 --> 00:18:39,170
When he stole her away from me, I swore
I would never say his name again.
256
00:18:41,100 --> 00:18:42,540
Even after she died.
257
00:18:52,500 --> 00:18:53,550
Sid's gone.
258
00:18:54,460 --> 00:18:56,180
You can't blame him anymore.
259
00:18:58,060 --> 00:18:59,760
So what else is there then?
260
00:19:05,600 --> 00:19:06,650
Pelopon?
261
00:19:07,980 --> 00:19:09,080
That's Bloom.
262
00:19:09,320 --> 00:19:10,370
Bloom and Carp.
263
00:19:11,020 --> 00:19:12,780
What a lousy name for an act, huh?
264
00:19:17,020 --> 00:19:18,070
Okay, you nuts.
265
00:19:18,660 --> 00:19:20,340
You satisfied, huh?
266
00:19:21,080 --> 00:19:25,400
Not only do I have a stomachache, but I
got to be here, too.
267
00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:29,360
Boy, I could sure use a glass of
seltzer.
268
00:19:35,060 --> 00:19:38,320
So, I suppose you want a speech, huh?
269
00:19:41,310 --> 00:19:43,370
40 years I don't talk to this schlemiel.
270
00:19:43,710 --> 00:19:45,590
Just to be able to talk about him today.
271
00:19:46,110 --> 00:19:47,830
That's why I live to be 78?
272
00:19:50,250 --> 00:19:52,490
Come on, gather around. Get closer.
273
00:19:53,010 --> 00:19:55,660
I'm not going to throw a bouquet after
this ceremony.
274
00:19:58,250 --> 00:19:59,410
Ah, what the hell.
275
00:20:01,210 --> 00:20:03,320
We were partners for five and a half
years.
276
00:20:05,590 --> 00:20:08,850
One year, we made $100 a week.
277
00:20:09,310 --> 00:20:11,670
That was 1941. That was our best year.
278
00:20:14,010 --> 00:20:15,270
What do you want for free?
279
00:20:15,730 --> 00:20:16,780
Huh?
280
00:20:17,830 --> 00:20:19,750
Well, you all know what it was like.
281
00:20:20,910 --> 00:20:23,870
We played every place from New York to
Moose Jaw.
282
00:20:24,710 --> 00:20:28,850
Cold hotels, lousy food, crooked agents.
283
00:20:29,750 --> 00:20:30,810
One time...
284
00:20:34,190 --> 00:20:38,909
This guy was collecting $5 from
everybody to give a funeral for an agent
285
00:20:38,910 --> 00:20:42,550
died. Sid said, here's 10, bury two.
286
00:20:43,890 --> 00:20:48,850
That's very funny. We only liberated
material from the top comics.
287
00:20:49,510 --> 00:20:51,450
We only stole from the best.
288
00:20:52,830 --> 00:20:55,450
One summer we played for the mayor of
Montreal.
289
00:20:57,150 --> 00:20:59,330
That was a crown performance.
290
00:20:59,990 --> 00:21:01,810
I bet you none of you ever did that.
291
00:21:03,340 --> 00:21:06,260
So we weren't hoping Crosby and we
weren't Martin Lewis.
292
00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:09,860
We were good.
293
00:21:14,760 --> 00:21:16,020
And we were partners.
294
00:21:22,540 --> 00:21:27,300
We were partners.
295
00:21:33,280 --> 00:21:34,660
Tell me that wasn't worth it
296
00:21:34,670 --> 00:21:39,220
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