Original subtitles

Kids! Tell your father it's time for work.

And hurry, we don't want him to be late.

Come on.

Peg.

I can't go to work, I've got the chickenpox.

Aah, don't do that! It hurts!

Al, it's just iodine.

Now, you tried that trick on our wedding day.

Besides, you think if you really had the chickenpox

we'd let you in the house?

Now, go to work.

Kids, encourage your father.

We love you.

Have a good day, Dad.

Good.

Now, here's the lunch and the garbage.

Gee, Peg, I can't believe you actually made my lunch.

Well, I just took the garbage and separated it into two bags.

Give 'em shoe hell, Harry.

I'm going.

Going to work. I'm gonna miss you, honey.

AL: Holy moly! Yikes and gadzooks!

Peg!

Peg, it's gone.

Somebody stole my car.

Don't be ridiculous, Al.

Who would steal the Dodge?

That would be like someone stealing my engagement ring.

Or one of Kelly's ideas.

Or Bud.

Flip a burger. Flood a bed.

AL: Hey! How--

I can't believe it.

I lost my Dodge. It's really, really gone.

And it figures.

Three weeks to the day I wash the damn thing,

it gets stolen.

Somebody call the police.

What for?

The call costs more than the car.

Yes, and it costs more than the condom

I should've used the night you were conceived.

Yes, 911. Yes, this is an emergency.

Put me on hold.

♪ Dum de-dum de-dum De-dum de-dum ♪

♪ Dum de-dum-dum Dum dum dum dum dum ♪

♪ Dum dum dum dum Dum dum dum dum dum... ♪

Yes, yes, yes, officer. Yes, I'm still here.

Yes, I'll wait.

♪ Dum dum dum dum

♪ Duh dum-dum duh-dum Duh-duh-dum dah-dum ♪

♪ Dah dum-dum duh Dah dum-dum dah-dum-- ♪

Oh, yes, I'm still here.

Yes, I want some of your best men on this job.

The crime? Someone stole my 1974 Dodge.

Hello? Hello?

Bribe-taking, doughnut-sucking, trigger-happy--

Hello, officer?

Yes, officer. Yes, I'd like to report a, uh,

kidnapping.

How tall? Oh, about, uh...

Four feet tall,

five feet wide,

smoke belching out the rear, weighs about two tons.

No, it's not Oprah.

No, it's not Delta Burke.

Who would call to complain if she was missing?

No. It's my Dodge.

Hello?

H--

Run six red lights, they're all over you,

but where are they when you really need them?

You know, Dad, this reminds me of the old saying:

I was sad when I had no Dodge,

until I saw the man who had one.

How did you grow up heartless in this house?

I'm gonna miss the old Dodge.

I grew up in it. I went to school in it.

I feel like I was born in it.

Well, you certainly were conceived in it.

Oh, I remember when you used to lock me in the old Dodge

cause you couldn't find a babysitter.

Yeah, but, you know, pumpkin

we always left the window open

just a little crack for you, didn't we?

Just like we did with Buck.

Hey, Al, you remember the time

we tried to outrun the cops in the Dodge?

Yeah.

But he eventually caught us, though.

He was pretty fast for a guy on foot.

Oh, but it's not just the car,

it's the precious items that it held.

My eight-track tape player.

The last great American sound system.

That eight-track is to today's stereos

what a girlfriend is to a wife.

An earlier, better version.

Hey, look what we found in the garbage.

Milly Bell, my eight-track!

We also found your "Born To Be Wild" tape,

Meet The Four Seasons,

Meet The Supremes,

and The Four Seasons Meet The Supremes.

Well, now we know that this thief is not only stupid

but has no taste in music.

Wait a second. Wait a second.

I wonder where Michael Bolton was this morning.

Well, if they don't arrest him for his singing,

they won't arrest him for this.

So someone stole your Dodge, eh, Al?

Well, it's your own fault.

You should know better than to leave it parked out front

on garbage day.

Hey, I bet somebody took it to start a new limousine service.

You know, for those people who can't quite afford

the luxury of Greyhound.

O-or to use as a pace car for the Garbage Man 500.

You know, Marcy, how can you be so unfeeling?

Didn't you ever get up in the morning

and suddenly realize that something

very, very important was gone?

Well, sure you do.

You must every morning when you open up your pajama top.

Or your pajama bottoms.

Yeah, right.

Peg, set her straight.

So there!

Now, I'm gonna have to, uh, notify the insurance company,

and they're not gonna be too happy either

because this baby's gonna be mighty hard to replace.

Fifty dollars?

For a Dodge?

That car was a classic.

Why, everything in there was original:

The seats, the engine, the oil.

And what about my mental suffering, huh?

How much is that worth?

Oh, you say that's the major part of the $50.

All right, let me think about it.

I'll get back to you.

Fifty dollars. You can't replace a car for $50.

And the worst part is just five more payments

and the damn thing was mine!

Hey, hey look, Daddy.

We could get a Mercedes for just 50 K's.

You don't even need money.

I have some spare K's from those letters they sent from school

saying that Kelly is an idiot.

Well, who's the idiot now, huh?

Peg!

That's great news, honey.

Why don't you run up and get those K's?

You betcha.

And Bud, you can help too.

You can probably get one out of the paper

cause there's always one in there

about President Clinton and their cat.

And the current controversy over campaign contributions.

Wow, that's a veritable cornucopia of K's.

Look, Al. Al, you're not gonna settle for 50 bucks, are you?

They pay you for what's in the car as well.

Now, what'd you have in the trunk?

Oh, I had parts of a carburetor I had left over

when I took it apart and...

I had a salami that I was aging.

No, Al. You tell them that you had--

You had jewelry, paintings... cash.

And a salami!

Follow me, Al.

Two salamis.

I think I'm starting to get your drift.

I think I had a loaf of bread in there too.

But how am I gonna prove I had all that stuff?

Well, how can they prove you didn't?

Uh, Dad,

this is kind of, uh, illegal.

Oh, gee, that's right, huh?

Guess I should rethink the whole thing.

Little sissy.

Well, I mean,

insurance companies have been ripping us off for years.

Maybe we should get our fair share, right?

I'm back in, eh, Dad?

You could really use the money, Al.

I mean, it should be your choice

to walk around with green teeth and yellow underwear.

Or sometimes vice versa.

You're right!

Now, I'm gonna make a list. Peg, make a list.

How am I gonna tell this insurance guy

that I forgot to say I had all that stuff?

Uh, tell him you had a lot on your mind.

How would they know it's as empty as your trunk?

You're right. He doesn't know I'm an idiot.

What am I gonna do for a car?

Marcy...

I saw you had a third car out front.

Can I borrow it?

Well, actually, I borrowed it.

I've been thinking about getting a new car and...

Dealerships are so desperate for business,

they'll let you try one out for a couple days.

Gee, I'd like to do that but...

I don't have the money to really buy a new car.

And, of course, if I lied

then that... Would be cheating.

And we couldn't do that, could we?

That was good, right, Dad?

♪ Hallelujah

♪ Hallelujah

♪ Hallelujah, hallelujah

♪ Halle-ee-lujah

Pardon me.

Have you any Grey Poupon?

♪ Hallelujah

♪ Hallelujah

♪ Hallelujah...

Hey, Kel,

why are you watching Spanish television?

Spanish?

I just thought they were English words I didn't know.

Hey, don't sit on my K's!

I have 28 K's.

Now, I could probably get a Jeep,

but I have my heart set on a Mercedes.

So, what options do you think I should get?

Maybe one of those, uh, electronic brains.

Cause something in the car should have one.

Who's Mom talking to?

Oh, the insurance company.

She's taking care of things.

She was afraid Dad was gonna go too far.

Yes, I realize it takes time

to authenticate the Stradivarius.

That's why I just don't know why you don't take our word for it.

Yes, we are the same Bundys that filed a claim

that our mansion had been whisked away

in Hurricane Andrew.

But I don't know what business that is of yours.

That was an entirely different insurance company

we were trying to defraud.

Anyway, my husband has empowered me

to come down off our original figure of six million.

Yes. That's because we found the Picasso.

Well, it turns out it wasn't in the car at all,

it just fell into the hamper.

Liar?

You know, no one has ever called me that

in all my 24 years.

Oh, come on.

It's not like it's your money.

Hello?

Boy, you file one multimillion-dollar claim

and all that "good neighbor" crap

just flies out the window.

Wow, Daddy, you look good enough to bury.

Yeah, Al, you really look great.

You know, I'd marry you all over again

if I didn't know it was you.

But of course I do, so I wouldn't.

Where'd you get that suit?

Well, Peg, when the guys at the clothing store

saw me pull up in my new car

they automatically opened up a charge account for me.

I guess they didn't know I was just coming in

to bum a nickel for the meter.

Listen, honey, I'm having a little trouble with

the insurance company.

Did you know that the French claimed that

the real Mona Lisa is theirs

just like we did?

Well, you know, it's a dark day

when someone will believe the French over me.

What about that picture of the dogs playing poker,

did they say they have that one too?

Cause I really did have that in my trunk.

Hey, Daddy, can we take a ride in the new Mercedes?

Well, pumpkin, I don't have the new Mercedes anymore.

See, when I took it back to ask for a free fill-up

they had the nerve to ask me

when I was gonna buy the damn thing.

Like I'd buy a foreign car.

I'm an American.

And if I'm gonna cheat somebody, it'll be an American company.

Now, who wants to go for a ride with me in my new loaner?

A Lincoln Town Car.

I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do.

Then let's rock n roll.

♪ Ridin' along In my automobile ♪

♪ My baby beside me At the wheel ♪

♪ I stole a kiss At the turn of a mile ♪

♪ My curiosity runnin' wild

♪ Cruisin' And playin' the radio ♪

♪ With no particular Place to go ♪

♪ Ridin' along In my automobile ♪

♪ I'm anxious to tell her The way I feel ♪

♪ So I told her Softly and sincere ♪

♪ And she leaned And whispered in my ear ♪

♪ Cuddlin' more And drivin' slow ♪

♪ With no particular Place to go ♪

Gee, that was a great ride, eh, guys?

And it proves one thing for sure:

Old people can really jump out of the way

when there's 4000 pounds of American engineering

barreling right at them.

Hey, everybody, our food's still hot

and so is that guy at the Burger Boy drive-up window.

The fool actually handed me the bag

while I still had the $5 dangling in front of the window.

Oh, look, Bud, it looks like your bed.

Look, Kel.

This'll fit your finger when you're 30.

Now, Bud, I have told you a thousand times

don't play with your food or I'm gonna give it to the dog.

And if the dog plays with it,

I'm gonna give it to your father.

Hello, ma'am.

Joe Orton from Uninsurable "We'll Insure Anybody"

Insurance Company.

I've come to settle your claim.

It's our five million dollars. Yeah.

Well, I see why you kept the Mona Lisa in the trunk.

And, uh, my salami.

Oh, I mean, uh, my two salamis.

How much money you gonna give me?

We'll give you $25,000.

Just wait one second, please.

Family meeting.

What are we meeting for? Let's just take the 25,000.

Now, wait a minute, Al.

That's not how it's done.

This is just their starting offer.

Go bargain with him.

No. We don't want Dad to negotiate.

He's a moron. I am.

I am. I am a moron. Damn, what should I do?

Just remember the old saying:

A bird in the hand is worth a foot in the tush.

What are you saying?

I don't know. Well, what sh--

What should I do? Negotiate.

Take the money. Buy a vowel.

Look, Al, whatever your instincts are,

just do the opposite.

Uh, can I buy a vowel?

No, I mean-- I'll take the money.

Good news, Mr. Bundy.

They're making edible nightsticks now?

I wish.

No. I meant good news for you.

We found your Dodge.

It was parked around the corner where the engine fell out.

We might have found it a little earlier

but we barely care when there's a major crime.

Did they jimmy open the trunk, officer?

Nope.

What a relief.

The Mona Lisa is safe.

Well, I gotta be going too.

There's an armed robbery in progress

and I'm gonna go park under the freeway and take a nap.

W-wait, Daddy, there might be some K's in there.

Pumpkin, there are no K's in "broke."

But you know what?

I'm gonna tell you something. I'm glad they found my Dodge

cause that's my car,

and I hate change.

Well, you know, it would be...

Like losing one of you guys.

Or, Peg, it'd be like trading you in on a brand-new blond

with shiny, new, smooth,

factory-warranted hooters, you know.

Ah, sure, the first few rides

would be nice and everything, but, you know,

in the long run-- And this, Peg, is what depresses me every day.

--I realize that...

You're the one I want.

Oh, Al.

I wish you wouldn't touch me though, Peg.

Now, kids,

let's say we jump in the old Dodge

and go for a spin.

Okay. Let's go.

♪ Ridin' along In my automobile ♪

♪ My baby beside me At the wheel ♪

♪ I stole a kiss At the turn of a mile ♪

♪ My curiosity runnin' wild

♪ Cruisin' And playin' the radio ♪

♪ With no particular Place to go ♪

♪ Ridin' along In my automobile ♪

♪ I'm anxious to tell her The way I... ♪

KELLY: Hello? Yes, I saw your ad in the paper

and I'd like to buy a Mercedes

and I just wanna verify the price.

How much for the new model with everything?

Fifty G's?

Well, I don't have that kind of letter.

Or 50 big ones.

How big do they have to be?