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1
00:01:19,980 --> 00:01:21,982
Oh, Lord...
2
00:01:24,318 --> 00:01:26,687
...If I ever meant anything to you...
3
00:01:26,854 --> 00:01:31,392
...Please let me fall asleep
before she thinks of sex.
4
00:01:34,562 --> 00:01:36,897
Al...
5
00:01:38,899 --> 00:01:41,402
You are a woman, aren't you?
6
00:01:43,671 --> 00:01:46,574
Peg, we just did it last month.
7
00:01:47,007 --> 00:01:49,009
A man can't just roll over and do it again.
8
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We have to rest in between.
9
00:01:52,079 --> 00:01:55,950
Al, you can't wear that cool V-neck T-shirt...
10
00:01:56,116 --> 00:02:02,723
...And those stained pajama bottoms
and expect me not to want you.
11
00:02:04,291 --> 00:02:07,695
They do show off the merchandise, don't they.
12
00:02:09,563 --> 00:02:11,832
Let's prepare ourselves.
13
00:02:29,416 --> 00:02:31,819
Oh, Al, you're...
14
00:02:31,986 --> 00:02:33,654
...Done.
15
00:02:38,559 --> 00:02:40,861
Thanks again, honey.
16
00:02:47,868 --> 00:02:50,237
How you feeling, Peg?
17
00:02:50,404 --> 00:02:53,941
I'm surprised you could make it
down those stairs this morning.
18
00:02:55,009 --> 00:02:58,045
I know. I was pretty tired.
19
00:02:58,212 --> 00:03:02,149
I hope that buzzing
didn't keep you awake last night.
20
00:03:06,854 --> 00:03:09,657
Yeah, those damn bees.
21
00:03:10,224 --> 00:03:14,261
You know, one must have stung you,
too, because I heard you scream.
22
00:03:16,797 --> 00:03:18,866
You wanna do it again tonight?
23
00:03:19,033 --> 00:03:21,101
Oh, Peg, I think if we do it again too soon...
24
00:03:21,268 --> 00:03:24,071
...It'll cheapen the experience.
25
00:03:24,238 --> 00:03:26,607
Bask in the afterglow, baby.
26
00:03:28,375 --> 00:03:31,845
Now, Peg, you're not glowing.
You don't have that...
27
00:03:32,012 --> 00:03:35,816
...I've-been-satisfied-by-Al-Bundy look
on your face.
28
00:03:35,983 --> 00:03:37,885
Maybe you should go to your girlie doctor.
29
00:03:38,052 --> 00:03:41,121
They say you should get checked out
every 50 years or so.
30
00:03:41,589 --> 00:03:45,893
You know, put you up on the old rack,
check your belts and hoses.
31
00:03:48,395 --> 00:03:51,498
Honey, there is nothing wrong
with my belts and hoses.
32
00:03:51,665 --> 00:03:54,468
I just need to be taken out
and driven once in a while.
33
00:03:58,539 --> 00:04:00,641
Well, that can't be a shot at me.
34
00:04:00,808 --> 00:04:04,311
I'm Al "The Mailman" Bundy.
I deliver.
35
00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:11,619
Yes, Al, but mailmen are slow.
And they deliver every day.
36
00:04:12,553 --> 00:04:16,423
Yeah, but they don't always
have to go to the same house.
37
00:04:21,662 --> 00:04:24,231
But seriously, Peg,
I mean, you weren't satisfied?
38
00:04:24,832 --> 00:04:28,102
Well, let's put it this way:
I used to call you "the minuteman."
39
00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:31,271
Now I long for those days.
40
00:04:31,739 --> 00:04:33,674
But, you know,
Marcie was very comforting.
41
00:04:33,841 --> 00:04:37,745
She said with you,
the sooner it's over, the better.
42
00:04:38,579 --> 00:04:40,247
You told her?
43
00:04:41,382 --> 00:04:42,916
Al, you...
44
00:04:43,083 --> 00:04:45,519
You wanna throw around the football?
45
00:04:46,120 --> 00:04:48,188
There, are we done?
46
00:04:54,094 --> 00:04:56,296
I think she might have told him.
47
00:04:56,497 --> 00:04:58,832
Al, really, you shouldn't feel badly.
48
00:04:58,999 --> 00:05:01,535
The reason you're so inept in the bedroom...
49
00:05:01,702 --> 00:05:03,837
...Is because you've put all of your energy...
50
00:05:04,004 --> 00:05:07,174
...Into your magnificent shoe career.
51
00:05:07,775 --> 00:05:10,411
It's time someone spoke for Al.
52
00:05:14,014 --> 00:05:16,083
Guess I was wrong.
53
00:05:17,384 --> 00:05:20,120
Oh, Al's down.
54
00:05:20,287 --> 00:05:22,756
I guess my work is done.
55
00:05:23,357 --> 00:05:25,359
Well, let's leave these two lovebirds alone.
56
00:05:25,526 --> 00:05:28,696
They may wanna have sex for a second.
57
00:05:31,732 --> 00:05:34,101
Whoops, they're done.
58
00:05:39,039 --> 00:05:40,941
Oh, relax, Al.
59
00:05:41,108 --> 00:05:44,011
I'm sure she didn't tell anyone else.
60
00:05:46,380 --> 00:05:48,382
Hey, Bundy, do me a favor.
61
00:05:48,549 --> 00:05:50,818
Have sex with your wife 50 times.
62
00:05:50,984 --> 00:05:53,454
We're cooking an egg.
63
00:05:56,256 --> 00:06:01,395
Darly, why don't you use the time it
takes your son to get out of his dress?
64
00:06:08,469 --> 00:06:10,170
Hiya, boy. How you doing?
65
00:06:10,337 --> 00:06:14,408
Well, let's just say you won't hear
my bitch complaining to her friends.
66
00:06:16,210 --> 00:06:17,978
Good boy.
67
00:06:25,018 --> 00:06:27,588
Daddy, do you remember my boyfriend T-Bone?
68
00:06:27,788 --> 00:06:30,557
No, but he sounds delicious.
69
00:06:31,291 --> 00:06:33,293
Oh, I'll tell him you said so.
70
00:06:33,460 --> 00:06:37,598
We were all down at the Harley shop,
and he got into a discussion...
71
00:06:37,765 --> 00:06:41,435
...About whether there should be a limit
to presidential campaign contributions.
72
00:06:41,602 --> 00:06:44,104
Which, of course, led to a knife fight.
73
00:06:44,905 --> 00:06:47,441
And you should be proud to know
that when kids fight...
74
00:06:47,608 --> 00:06:50,677
...They say, "I'm gonna waste you
quicker than Al Bundy."
75
00:06:53,514 --> 00:06:54,948
What really bothered me...
76
00:06:55,115 --> 00:06:57,518
...Was that I didn't know
about this politics stuff.
77
00:06:57,684 --> 00:06:59,586
Daddy, they called me stupid.
78
00:06:59,787 --> 00:07:01,789
Am I stupid, Daddy?
79
00:07:03,023 --> 00:07:04,691
Pumpkin...
80
00:07:05,526 --> 00:07:07,661
Now, you see that tree out there?
81
00:07:08,095 --> 00:07:13,133
Now, that tree grows and breathes,
just like you.
82
00:07:14,301 --> 00:07:18,305
So, pumpkin, you're just as smart
as that tree.
83
00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:22,543
Oh, you have to say that
because you're my father.
84
00:07:23,277 --> 00:07:26,246
Hey, anybody on the street would say that.
85
00:07:34,421 --> 00:07:35,689
But now, pumpkin...
86
00:07:35,856 --> 00:07:39,293
...If you want to impress
that psychopath that you're dating...
87
00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:41,461
...Here's what you should do:
88
00:07:41,628 --> 00:07:43,864
Learn one thing really well.
89
00:07:44,031 --> 00:07:45,933
Just pick some topic that comes up often...
90
00:07:46,099 --> 00:07:48,135
...Among your friends in conversation.
91
00:07:48,335 --> 00:07:49,937
So politics or condoms?
92
00:07:53,841 --> 00:07:56,243
Politics would be good.
93
00:07:56,510 --> 00:07:58,846
You can start by learning
about all the presidents.
94
00:07:59,880 --> 00:08:01,715
There's more than one?
95
00:08:02,983 --> 00:08:04,885
Indeed.
96
00:08:05,285 --> 00:08:07,120
So learn all about the presidents...
97
00:08:07,287 --> 00:08:10,624
...And you'll fool your friends into
thinking you know other things too.
98
00:08:10,791 --> 00:08:12,960
And you'll never have to impress
anybody again.
99
00:08:13,393 --> 00:08:15,696
Thanks. I'm gonna go learn
about the presidents...
100
00:08:15,863 --> 00:08:18,065
...Quicker than Al Bundy.
101
00:08:23,904 --> 00:08:25,806
Hi, honey.
102
00:08:28,942 --> 00:08:30,344
You're gonna be so proud.
103
00:08:30,510 --> 00:08:33,046
At the supermarket I heard
that they have changed...
104
00:08:33,213 --> 00:08:35,315
...The ten-item-or-less express line...
105
00:08:35,482 --> 00:08:37,818
...To the Al Bundy line.
106
00:08:41,521 --> 00:08:43,924
Oh, honey, you look down.
107
00:08:44,091 --> 00:08:46,960
Well, I got you a little present.
108
00:08:47,427 --> 00:08:49,997
Aurora white...
109
00:08:50,230 --> 00:08:53,200
...And a nice burrito.
110
00:08:53,367 --> 00:08:56,904
Come on, Al, break them both open.
111
00:08:58,705 --> 00:09:00,173
No.
112
00:09:00,340 --> 00:09:01,875
My self-esteem, my sexuality...
113
00:09:02,042 --> 00:09:05,345
...My whole manhood has been taken from me.
114
00:09:06,813 --> 00:09:09,917
I never want to go to the bathroom again.
115
00:09:10,651 --> 00:09:15,756
Well, maybe we can finally get
that curl out of the wallpaper.
116
00:09:17,324 --> 00:09:19,793
And the birds will come back again.
117
00:09:22,329 --> 00:09:25,265
Oh, honey, this is really bothering you.
118
00:09:25,432 --> 00:09:27,668
Well, I'm gonna fix it right now.
119
00:09:27,834 --> 00:09:29,636
Okay.
120
00:09:34,975 --> 00:09:36,410
Hello, Marcie.
121
00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:40,681
Al and I just had a major sex-o-rama.
122
00:09:41,181 --> 00:09:42,549
Yeah, Al Bundy.
123
00:09:44,484 --> 00:09:46,787
He was magnificent.
124
00:09:46,954 --> 00:09:49,990
Yes, Al Bundy.
125
00:09:50,157 --> 00:09:53,260
Well, Marcie, I-- I don't have
the strength to speak any longer.
126
00:09:53,427 --> 00:09:55,128
But let's not tell anyone about this.
127
00:09:55,295 --> 00:09:57,130
Except the girls at the beauty parlor...
128
00:09:57,297 --> 00:10:00,701
...Because, you know,
we know we can trust them.
129
00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:05,072
Al's got that look in his eye again.
130
00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:07,040
Oh, no, Al.
131
00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:11,511
Please have mercy. I... I...
132
00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:24,091
Well, now you're a legend, baby.
133
00:10:24,257 --> 00:10:27,060
- Feel better?
- No.
134
00:10:27,694 --> 00:10:29,863
We know it's not true.
135
00:10:30,063 --> 00:10:32,733
Come on, honey, have a burrito.
136
00:10:32,899 --> 00:10:34,434
No.
137
00:10:34,868 --> 00:10:39,439
Oh, come on, Al. It's off a truck.
138
00:10:44,678 --> 00:10:47,748
- Well, maybe just one bite.
- Yeah.
139
00:10:50,951 --> 00:10:54,121
Maybe just one roll.
140
00:11:00,827 --> 00:11:02,763
Still hurting, though.
141
00:11:05,132 --> 00:11:08,101
Wanna share some of that with me?
142
00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:30,257
All right, honey. Now we are gonna
learn all about the presidents.
143
00:11:30,457 --> 00:11:35,295
As a visual aid, we are gonna use
Xeroxed copies of Daddy's money--
144
00:11:36,329 --> 00:11:38,732
I have the originals.
145
00:11:38,899 --> 00:11:42,235
--With pictures of our greatest
dead presidents on them.
146
00:11:42,402 --> 00:11:46,206
Now, this is George Washington,
the father of our country.
147
00:11:47,174 --> 00:11:49,709
I thought that was James Brown.
148
00:11:51,344 --> 00:11:53,914
No, he's the Godfather of Soul.
149
00:11:54,114 --> 00:11:57,117
I thought that was Don Corleone.
150
00:11:57,551 --> 00:12:00,287
I think we've had enough for one day.
151
00:12:01,588 --> 00:12:03,523
Well, I still thirst for knowledge.
152
00:12:03,690 --> 00:12:07,227
I'll go to the place that got me through
high school, the principal's house.
153
00:12:10,497 --> 00:12:14,801
His door always was opened
for troubled girls.
154
00:12:15,635 --> 00:12:19,473
Hey, Daddy, ask me
who's on the one-dollar bill.
155
00:12:19,639 --> 00:12:21,308
Who's on the one-dollar bill?
156
00:12:21,508 --> 00:12:23,176
George Jefferson.
157
00:12:30,450 --> 00:12:33,954
So it was George Washington
that was married to Weezy?
158
00:12:34,654 --> 00:12:36,790
Al, I was at the beauty parlor today...
159
00:12:36,957 --> 00:12:39,793
...And your name is on everyone's lips.
160
00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:42,963
Well, that and bonbon crumbs.
161
00:12:43,196 --> 00:12:45,065
Everyone thinks you're a stud.
162
00:12:45,966 --> 00:12:48,168
- But you don't.
- Sure, I do.
163
00:12:48,335 --> 00:12:49,769
You do?
164
00:12:49,970 --> 00:12:53,306
Okay, your relentless interrogation
has broken me.
165
00:12:53,473 --> 00:12:55,275
I don't.
166
00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:58,478
But either way, it doesn't matter.
167
00:12:58,645 --> 00:13:02,015
Because you're mine and I love you.
168
00:13:04,217 --> 00:13:06,586
Honey, I'm gonna go upstairs now
and take a shower.
169
00:13:06,753 --> 00:13:10,190
My new nozzle, Jeffrey, just came in.
170
00:13:23,870 --> 00:13:26,039
What happened to me?
171
00:13:26,206 --> 00:13:28,108
I used to be good.
172
00:13:28,275 --> 00:13:30,410
Everyone said I was good.
173
00:13:30,577 --> 00:13:32,812
And girls don't lie.
174
00:13:33,780 --> 00:13:35,916
Only women lie.
175
00:13:36,483 --> 00:13:38,518
Maybe I should ask some of my ex-girlfriends.
176
00:13:38,685 --> 00:13:41,354
How desperate would I have to be
to have my ego boosted...
177
00:13:41,521 --> 00:13:44,891
...By girls I slept with
and never called again?
178
00:13:45,091 --> 00:13:48,128
Come on, Lois. So it's been 20 years
since I promised to call you.
179
00:13:48,295 --> 00:13:50,463
I'm calling you now.
180
00:13:51,231 --> 00:13:54,768
Now listen, this is a toll call
so let me get right to the point.
181
00:13:54,935 --> 00:13:58,238
Remember that night in the back seat
of my old Dodge?
182
00:13:58,405 --> 00:14:00,273
How was I?
183
00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:03,009
I knew it.
184
00:14:05,445 --> 00:14:08,715
"What kind of car am I driving now?"
I gotta go. Bye.
185
00:14:11,084 --> 00:14:14,554
Yeah, can I speak to Marilyn Fisher?
186
00:14:14,721 --> 00:14:17,457
Oh, she's Mrs. O'Brien now.
187
00:14:17,958 --> 00:14:20,393
You're the husband. I see.
188
00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:22,362
Well, could you do me a favor?
189
00:14:22,529 --> 00:14:26,700
Yeah. My name's Al Bundy.
Could you ask her if she meant it...
190
00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:30,136
...When she said she'd had them all,
but I was the best?
191
00:14:33,273 --> 00:14:35,809
Oh, she's breast-feeding.
Hey, that...
192
00:14:35,976 --> 00:14:38,578
That brings back memories.
193
00:14:42,182 --> 00:14:43,583
So I was great.
194
00:14:43,750 --> 00:14:45,719
The best!
195
00:14:47,153 --> 00:14:50,857
Oh, come on, now.
You're making me blush.
196
00:14:51,758 --> 00:14:54,961
Well, thank you,
Sister Mary Ignatius.
197
00:15:04,471 --> 00:15:06,339
I knew I was good.
198
00:15:06,506 --> 00:15:09,009
And if I was good once
I can be good again.
199
00:15:09,175 --> 00:15:12,879
I'll just get back in shape
and show Peg I still got it.
200
00:15:15,882 --> 00:15:18,084
Al, I'm gonna take a nap.
201
00:15:18,285 --> 00:15:20,720
Yeah, rest up, baby.
202
00:15:21,488 --> 00:15:24,824
And this time I may even kiss you.
203
00:15:28,395 --> 00:15:30,797
Well, son, this is where it all happens.
204
00:15:30,964 --> 00:15:32,799
The Bundy gymnasium.
205
00:15:32,966 --> 00:15:36,002
And until recently, the place I came to cry.
206
00:15:36,369 --> 00:15:38,772
But not today. Today we train.
207
00:15:40,106 --> 00:15:42,208
Do a little bench press.
208
00:15:42,542 --> 00:15:44,411
Do about 30 reps.
209
00:15:44,577 --> 00:15:46,446
Count for me, son.
210
00:16:00,193 --> 00:16:02,062
One.
211
00:16:04,864 --> 00:16:06,666
Take the weight, son.
212
00:16:06,966 --> 00:16:09,469
- What?
- Take the weight.
213
00:16:09,669 --> 00:16:11,938
- Got it?
- Yeah.
214
00:16:14,774 --> 00:16:16,376
Mommy!
215
00:16:16,576 --> 00:16:18,845
- Get it off me! Get it off me!
- Okay.
216
00:16:19,012 --> 00:16:22,282
I'm gonna-- I'm gonna roll it, Dad.
I'm gonna roll it.
217
00:16:22,749 --> 00:16:24,984
Not that way!
218
00:16:25,985 --> 00:16:27,587
Other way.
219
00:16:27,754 --> 00:16:29,422
Mommy!
220
00:16:43,636 --> 00:16:45,572
How many was that?
221
00:16:47,173 --> 00:16:48,742
One, Dad.
222
00:16:48,908 --> 00:16:50,243
All right. Well...
223
00:16:50,410 --> 00:16:53,480
...That's enough weightlifting.
Don't wanna get too bulked up.
224
00:16:53,847 --> 00:16:55,849
Supple strength is what I need.
225
00:16:56,015 --> 00:16:57,817
- We'll go hit the heavy bag.
- All right.
226
00:16:57,984 --> 00:17:00,887
- I used to box in the Golden Gloves.
- Really, Dad?
227
00:17:01,154 --> 00:17:02,922
Son, don't you think if I actually had...
228
00:17:03,089 --> 00:17:06,192
...I'd have told you about it
100,000 times by now?
229
00:17:08,328 --> 00:17:09,896
All right.
230
00:17:26,146 --> 00:17:27,914
You gonna be okay, Dad?
231
00:17:28,081 --> 00:17:30,016
Maybe.
232
00:17:30,650 --> 00:17:31,918
Well, I hope so, because...
233
00:17:32,085 --> 00:17:34,687
...It's a long way to get
a neighbor to give mouth-to-mouth.
234
00:17:35,221 --> 00:17:36,689
You know, son...
235
00:17:36,856 --> 00:17:38,892
...This has taught me a valuable lesson.
236
00:17:39,058 --> 00:17:40,527
I'm plenty strong enough...
237
00:17:40,693 --> 00:17:42,562
...But it's endurance that I need.
238
00:17:42,729 --> 00:17:44,197
Come, boy!
239
00:17:44,364 --> 00:17:45,865
I'm going to run.
240
00:17:46,032 --> 00:17:50,103
I need motivation. Show me the picture
of Grandma in her string bikini, please.
241
00:17:57,677 --> 00:17:59,479
Come on, Dad. Come on.
242
00:17:59,646 --> 00:18:02,015
Just two more steps.
243
00:18:05,718 --> 00:18:07,520
Thanks for helping,
Mr. and Mrs. D'Arcy.
244
00:18:07,687 --> 00:18:10,924
We wouldn't have helped,
but he passed out on our lawn.
245
00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:15,862
And I would have left him for compost,
but the flies started gathering.
246
00:18:25,805 --> 00:18:29,409
It's our little squirrel friend, Zippy.
247
00:18:29,809 --> 00:18:33,346
Well, it doesn't look like Zippy.
248
00:18:36,282 --> 00:18:37,750
Well, you have to imagine him...
249
00:18:37,917 --> 00:18:41,054
...With blood, bones, and internal organs.
250
00:18:41,221 --> 00:18:43,356
Squirrel killer.
251
00:18:43,523 --> 00:18:45,625
Get him, Zippy.
252
00:18:48,394 --> 00:18:49,762
Okay, come on. Marcie.
253
00:18:49,929 --> 00:18:53,233
Marcie, come on.
Come on, let's go, honey.
254
00:18:53,399 --> 00:18:57,003
I'll give Zippy a nice burial.
255
00:19:07,947 --> 00:19:10,416
Cheer up, Dad.
So you killed a squirrel.
256
00:19:10,583 --> 00:19:13,920
If it wasn't you it would have been
some cook at a Chinese restaurant.
257
00:19:15,421 --> 00:19:17,857
Oh, Daddy, I'm glad you're alone.
258
00:19:18,958 --> 00:19:20,627
Listen, I have great news.
259
00:19:20,827 --> 00:19:23,329
You found your underwear in the park?
260
00:19:26,065 --> 00:19:29,969
No, but if I'm ever looking for it
I know you're wearing it.
261
00:19:33,373 --> 00:19:35,642
Anyway, Daddy, your advice worked out.
262
00:19:35,808 --> 00:19:39,245
We were at the biker bar and everyone
started talking about what happens...
263
00:19:39,412 --> 00:19:42,815
...When no presidential candidate
has a clear majority of electoral votes.
264
00:19:42,982 --> 00:19:46,185
And I said that the last time
this happened was in 1824.
265
00:19:46,352 --> 00:19:49,322
The House decided the election
and John Quincy Adams won.
266
00:19:49,489 --> 00:19:53,226
Daddy, I wowed them.
Now everybody thinks I'm a genie.
267
00:19:55,762 --> 00:19:58,531
Oh, thank you, Daddy. Now I know
I can overcome any obstacle.
268
00:19:58,698 --> 00:20:00,400
I love you.
269
00:20:06,573 --> 00:20:08,474
Where you going, Dad?
270
00:20:09,409 --> 00:20:10,777
To the basement.
271
00:20:11,277 --> 00:20:12,979
You gonna cry, Dad?
272
00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:15,848
Yeah, I am.
273
00:20:16,449 --> 00:20:18,651
But then I'm going to train.
274
00:20:18,818 --> 00:20:22,388
Because if my little girl
can train herself to hold a thought...
275
00:20:23,890 --> 00:20:26,993
...I can train myself to hold my wife.
276
00:21:09,836 --> 00:21:11,137
{\an8}MODERN WIFE
277
00:21:11,304 --> 00:21:13,506
{\an8}How To Build-Up Your
Man Through Lying--
278
00:21:32,759 --> 00:21:35,561
Let's see what you got, punk.
279
00:21:46,205 --> 00:21:49,609
Oh, Al!
280
00:21:50,276 --> 00:21:53,279
Oh, Al!
281
00:21:55,314 --> 00:21:58,584
Oh, Al!
282
00:22:15,334 --> 00:22:19,205
And to all a good night.
21020
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