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1
00:01:15,676 --> 00:01:18,946
It's Friday, Friday, Friday, on NBC.
2
00:01:19,113 --> 00:01:21,048
By the way, we're for sale.
3
00:01:21,248 --> 00:01:23,717
So come on, folks,
dial the number on your screen.
4
00:01:23,884 --> 00:01:26,287
Then press "one" to buy the evening news.
5
00:01:26,520 --> 00:01:28,489
Press "two" for the entertainment division.
6
00:01:28,656 --> 00:01:31,559
Press "three" for actual, live TV executives...
7
00:01:31,725 --> 00:01:33,861
...Who will talk to you about your fantasies.
8
00:01:42,470 --> 00:01:44,738
Hello. I was wondering...
9
00:01:44,905 --> 00:01:46,474
...If I buy the news division...
10
00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:50,344
...Do I get to use Tom Brokaw
any way I want to?
11
00:01:53,581 --> 00:01:55,783
Bryant Gumbel?
12
00:01:56,450 --> 00:01:58,319
You can keep him.
13
00:02:13,501 --> 00:02:15,703
God, for once
I'm actually glad to be home.
14
00:02:17,705 --> 00:02:20,574
A customer comes in the store today...
15
00:02:20,741 --> 00:02:22,810
Tall, willowy brunette.
16
00:02:22,977 --> 00:02:27,915
Sits down, says she'd like
to try on a pair of size-12 pumps.
17
00:02:28,115 --> 00:02:31,819
So I'm down there, you know,
just doing my job...
18
00:02:34,121 --> 00:02:37,358
...And notice she's wearing
a garter belt, like I like.
19
00:02:40,327 --> 00:02:43,330
And a nice pair of silk stockings.
20
00:02:44,598 --> 00:02:47,401
All the time, she's smiling at me.
21
00:02:47,568 --> 00:02:48,836
All of a sudden...
22
00:02:49,003 --> 00:02:52,706
...She uncrosses her legs,
like in Basic Instinct.
23
00:02:56,744 --> 00:02:58,178
You saw it all?
24
00:02:59,380 --> 00:03:01,081
Yes.
25
00:03:01,549 --> 00:03:03,751
It was a guy!
26
00:03:07,955 --> 00:03:09,823
Oh, Peg. I tell you...
27
00:03:09,990 --> 00:03:12,560
Does this mean that I'm...? That I'm...?
28
00:03:12,760 --> 00:03:14,728
Gay, Al?
29
00:03:15,596 --> 00:03:17,698
No, Peg. Just because
I was vaguely excited...
30
00:03:17,865 --> 00:03:22,002
...Touching a man's calf
and I don't want to sleep with you, no.
31
00:03:22,336 --> 00:03:24,004
I have no doubts about my sexuality.
32
00:03:24,171 --> 00:03:26,106
No, what I was wondering was...
33
00:03:26,273 --> 00:03:29,443
...Am I too sexy for my own good, Peg?
34
00:03:30,578 --> 00:03:33,013
Now, I mean, I don't wanna turn on men...
35
00:03:33,180 --> 00:03:35,482
...So I come to the expert.
36
00:03:36,617 --> 00:03:39,553
Peg, how do you make them not want you?
37
00:03:42,890 --> 00:03:45,693
Well, apparently you marry them.
38
00:03:47,394 --> 00:03:50,631
Oh, come on, honey,
it's Friday night. Let's go out.
39
00:03:50,798 --> 00:03:52,066
I hear there's a revival...
40
00:03:52,232 --> 00:03:55,269
...Of The Sound of Music playing downtown.
41
00:03:56,070 --> 00:03:57,972
I'm not gay.
42
00:03:59,039 --> 00:04:02,576
Come on, honey.
Get that toe a-tapping.
43
00:04:13,654 --> 00:04:15,623
I'm not gay!
44
00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:27,668
God, what a day at the diner.
45
00:04:27,835 --> 00:04:30,204
Damn vegetarians.
46
00:04:30,671 --> 00:04:31,939
They're so damn picky.
47
00:04:32,106 --> 00:04:35,175
I mean, they find
one cat's claw in the chopped salad...
48
00:04:35,342 --> 00:04:38,345
And the way they scream you'd think
it was his head or something.
49
00:04:38,512 --> 00:04:42,516
What are they complaining about?
A cat's practically a vegetable anyway.
50
00:04:43,083 --> 00:04:46,854
And if that wasn't enough,
this transvestite comes in.
51
00:04:47,021 --> 00:04:49,523
A really obvious one.
52
00:04:50,524 --> 00:04:55,029
I mean, you could spot him
from a mile off. Those huge calves.
53
00:04:55,896 --> 00:04:57,231
Like anyone wouldn't notice.
54
00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:03,704
He wanted some shoes,
so I sent him over to your store.
55
00:05:05,072 --> 00:05:07,975
I thought you could
use a good laugh, you know.
56
00:05:10,944 --> 00:05:12,813
Honey, you're hurting
Daddy's feelings.
57
00:05:12,980 --> 00:05:15,649
He was attracted to that man.
58
00:05:16,917 --> 00:05:18,218
That wasn't my transvestite.
59
00:05:18,385 --> 00:05:20,854
Mine was a good-looking man...
60
00:05:21,755 --> 00:05:24,358
...And smelled vaguely of hyacinth.
61
00:05:24,892 --> 00:05:27,728
You two can be so cruel sometimes.
62
00:05:28,328 --> 00:05:30,330
I'm not gay!
63
00:05:31,298 --> 00:05:33,200
Daddy's gay?
64
00:05:34,134 --> 00:05:35,903
Yes, honey.
65
00:05:37,805 --> 00:05:41,241
I'm bored. What say the three of us
go down to the male strip club...
66
00:05:41,408 --> 00:05:44,344
...And we can watch Daddy fight for the guys.
67
00:05:49,583 --> 00:05:52,653
Oh, not tonight, Mom.
I'm too tired to go out.
68
00:05:52,820 --> 00:05:54,321
Well, how could you be tired?
69
00:05:54,488 --> 00:05:56,957
I've been sleeping all day.
70
00:05:57,424 --> 00:05:59,359
How could she understand what it's like...
71
00:05:59,526 --> 00:06:02,563
- ...To live off the sweat of our bras?
- Yeah.
72
00:06:02,763 --> 00:06:07,968
Yeah, or bending down all day long,
looking up men's dresses.
73
00:06:15,943 --> 00:06:18,612
I want somebody to go out with me.
74
00:06:18,779 --> 00:06:20,047
Well, why don't you ask Bud?
75
00:06:20,214 --> 00:06:23,650
Something's gotta prepare him for
a lifetime of going out with his mother.
76
00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:27,254
I mean, who taught Liberace?
77
00:06:27,955 --> 00:06:31,525
Ask your father,
I'm sure he knows all about it.
78
00:06:33,260 --> 00:06:35,829
I am not gay.
Would a gay man dress like this?
79
00:06:35,996 --> 00:06:39,166
Or endure one moment in a house this color?
80
00:06:54,381 --> 00:06:57,618
Excuse me, family,
while I say good night to my date.
81
00:06:57,785 --> 00:07:00,187
Lulu, one for the road.
82
00:07:04,992 --> 00:07:08,395
Good things do come in small packages.
83
00:07:09,196 --> 00:07:11,365
Well, then you should have him turn around.
84
00:07:29,183 --> 00:07:31,285
I almost forgot.
85
00:07:43,330 --> 00:07:45,199
Yup.
86
00:07:45,866 --> 00:07:47,434
Did you hear the news?
87
00:07:47,601 --> 00:07:50,571
They discovered a bright, new,
shiny star in the heavens...
88
00:07:50,737 --> 00:07:53,006
...And I do believe it's me.
89
00:07:55,209 --> 00:07:56,844
I hit upon a grand scheme:
90
00:07:57,010 --> 00:07:59,913
I volunteered as a nude model
for an all-girls art class.
91
00:08:00,113 --> 00:08:04,284
Did you have to move around so that
they could do all seven dwarfs naked?
92
00:08:07,087 --> 00:08:09,323
I'll talk to you when I need
a Coke and fries.
93
00:08:11,325 --> 00:08:13,727
But when a girl wants
to draw a nude in positions...
94
00:08:13,894 --> 00:08:16,797
...Far too embarrassing for a guy
who cares what people think...
95
00:08:16,964 --> 00:08:20,434
...Well, that's when they come to "Buff" Bundy:
96
00:08:20,968 --> 00:08:23,470
Buttocks for Hire.
97
00:08:25,906 --> 00:08:29,109
- Anything you wanna say to me, Dad?
- Actually, son, I wanna know...
98
00:08:29,276 --> 00:08:31,912
...Are you sure that was a girl?
Because...
99
00:08:34,381 --> 00:08:38,118
...Just because it looks like a girl
doesn't necessarily mean that it is one.
100
00:08:38,552 --> 00:08:41,955
Dad, did you get lost
and go to the wrong nudie bar again?
101
00:08:42,789 --> 00:08:46,293
How was I supposed to know what
that song "Macho Man" really meant?
102
00:08:46,460 --> 00:08:48,495
Had a good beat, everybody was dancing.
103
00:08:48,662 --> 00:08:51,031
I thought all the girls were in the restroom.
104
00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:54,001
You know how girls
go together and everything.
105
00:08:59,106 --> 00:09:00,641
Yeah. Sure, Dad.
106
00:09:00,807 --> 00:09:02,809
You see, what matters here is...
107
00:09:02,976 --> 00:09:06,747
...I'm finally peaking while you're creaking.
108
00:09:08,482 --> 00:09:10,384
Two old people on the couch.
109
00:09:12,219 --> 00:09:15,489
Oh, sorry, Kel.
Make that three old people.
110
00:09:16,023 --> 00:09:18,759
Come on, everyone, say, "Clapper."
111
00:09:29,002 --> 00:09:30,437
That is just ridiculous.
112
00:09:30,604 --> 00:09:32,706
I am not getting old.
113
00:09:35,142 --> 00:09:36,944
There's something terribly wrong here.
114
00:09:37,110 --> 00:09:39,179
My brother's cooler than me.
115
00:09:39,346 --> 00:09:41,748
My aged mother's cooler than me.
116
00:09:41,915 --> 00:09:44,818
Even my new, gay daddy is cooler than me.
117
00:09:45,218 --> 00:09:48,855
It was just a harmless
calf caress, that's all it was.
118
00:09:49,423 --> 00:09:51,425
Mom, give Dad a wine spritzer.
119
00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:52,859
I'm in a crisis.
120
00:09:53,026 --> 00:09:55,862
I've gotta do something wild.
Something out of control.
121
00:09:56,029 --> 00:09:57,965
Something that reaffirms my youth.
122
00:09:58,131 --> 00:10:01,735
I am gonna fight this
with every breast in my body.
123
00:10:06,273 --> 00:10:08,208
Here we go, son.
124
00:10:09,009 --> 00:10:11,778
Saturday afternoon, working on the car.
125
00:10:11,979 --> 00:10:14,448
Just like when you were a kid, eh, son?
126
00:10:14,681 --> 00:10:16,016
Sure is, Dad.
127
00:10:16,183 --> 00:10:18,685
In fact, it's the same exact car.
128
00:10:19,786 --> 00:10:22,856
You know, Bud, someday
this car is gonna be yours.
129
00:10:24,591 --> 00:10:26,360
Thanks, Dad.
130
00:10:26,793 --> 00:10:28,662
Please, please don't paint it, okay?
131
00:10:28,829 --> 00:10:31,164
Yeah. It is cool.
132
00:10:31,598 --> 00:10:33,667
These here are the sleekest, sexiest lines...
133
00:10:33,834 --> 00:10:36,236
...American engineers could come up with.
134
00:10:36,403 --> 00:10:39,439
Why just the name itself
bespeaks power and wealth:
135
00:10:39,806 --> 00:10:41,508
"Dodge."
136
00:10:43,010 --> 00:10:46,413
That about says it all. Check the oil.
137
00:10:48,382 --> 00:10:50,917
Down a quart. Give me an OXY pad.
138
00:10:52,886 --> 00:10:54,454
Yeah.
139
00:11:07,601 --> 00:11:09,436
Gay, huh?
140
00:11:10,137 --> 00:11:12,539
Let's see a gay guy do this.
141
00:11:18,678 --> 00:11:21,915
Al, Kelly didn't go to work today.
142
00:11:22,082 --> 00:11:24,217
Where could she be?
143
00:11:30,490 --> 00:11:31,758
Look what I bought.
144
00:11:40,467 --> 00:11:43,537
Kelly, you can't possibly
keep this motorcycle.
145
00:11:43,737 --> 00:11:46,940
It is far too dangerous, especially for you.
146
00:11:47,107 --> 00:11:53,480
On a motorcycle, concepts like left,
right, and stop are more critical.
147
00:11:54,848 --> 00:11:56,316
Well, I'm keeping my bike.
148
00:11:56,483 --> 00:11:58,085
It's gonna keep me young.
149
00:11:58,285 --> 00:12:00,287
Kel, it's not a time machine.
150
00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:04,958
And it's not your body,
so keep your hands off it.
151
00:12:07,727 --> 00:12:09,329
Honey, you have to get rid of it.
152
00:12:09,496 --> 00:12:12,999
No one who loves you would want you
to endanger your life like this.
153
00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:16,470
We saw the motorcycle.
154
00:12:19,706 --> 00:12:22,042
We saw the motorcycle and we rushed over.
155
00:12:22,209 --> 00:12:23,510
Oh, Al.
156
00:12:23,677 --> 00:12:26,613
We couldn't be happier that you got one.
157
00:12:27,881 --> 00:12:30,417
You know, there are a lot of myths
about motorcycles.
158
00:12:30,584 --> 00:12:33,620
Like that "always wear a helmet" thing.
159
00:12:33,954 --> 00:12:35,856
But that's not for men like you.
160
00:12:36,022 --> 00:12:40,127
Popping wheelies, going 90
the wrong way on the interstate...
161
00:12:40,393 --> 00:12:43,463
...That's for cool outlaw guys like you.
162
00:12:43,630 --> 00:12:45,432
Ride like the wind, wild one.
163
00:12:45,599 --> 00:12:50,437
Drive fast, drive often and drive
when you're really, really tired.
164
00:12:51,538 --> 00:12:53,273
Marcie, it's not Al 's.
165
00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:55,509
It's Kelly's.
166
00:12:55,742 --> 00:12:58,845
Oh, God, get rid of it.
They're killers.
167
00:12:59,012 --> 00:13:01,214
Give it to your father.
168
00:13:01,481 --> 00:13:04,050
Ride like the wind, wild one.
169
00:13:04,518 --> 00:13:06,786
I'm sorry, but I'm keeping my bike.
170
00:13:06,987 --> 00:13:08,788
How could I take advice from you people?
171
00:13:08,955 --> 00:13:11,658
I mean, two of you are geeks
and two of you are my parents.
172
00:13:11,825 --> 00:13:14,261
I'll let you decide who's who.
173
00:13:15,195 --> 00:13:16,796
Well, maybe I can be of some help.
174
00:13:16,963 --> 00:13:18,298
After all, Kelly...
175
00:13:18,465 --> 00:13:23,003
...We both live under the rule
of older, dull, parental figures.
176
00:13:23,837 --> 00:13:26,773
But sometimes the fogies can be right.
177
00:13:26,940 --> 00:13:30,177
Oh, I'm a living witness
to the real horror of the motorcycle.
178
00:13:30,343 --> 00:13:32,245
Yeah. I had a bike once.
179
00:13:32,412 --> 00:13:34,614
Oh, it seemed like fun.
180
00:13:34,781 --> 00:13:38,885
But then, one day I was driving along
when suddenly it happened:
181
00:13:39,686 --> 00:13:45,158
The wind whipped through my hair,
knotting it, splitting my ends.
182
00:13:45,559 --> 00:13:50,630
It was chaos. I had to be airlifted
to a special hair clinic in Switzerland.
183
00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:58,305
My head soaked in conditioner
for three solid weeks.
184
00:13:58,471 --> 00:13:59,739
But on the good side...
185
00:13:59,906 --> 00:14:02,709
...I did get to share a room with Don King.
186
00:14:05,445 --> 00:14:09,816
Kelly, you are just doing this
as an act of rebellion.
187
00:14:09,983 --> 00:14:12,018
You're feeling old, aren't you?
188
00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:14,621
Well, what you need to find
are some grown-up ways...
189
00:14:14,788 --> 00:14:16,957
...To have fun and make life interesting.
190
00:14:17,123 --> 00:14:19,759
For instance, when I'm feeling a little down...
191
00:14:19,926 --> 00:14:23,496
...To brighten my day,
I cut all my hair off.
192
00:14:24,698 --> 00:14:28,468
Then I wait for it to grow back
so I can cut it all off again.
193
00:14:28,635 --> 00:14:30,537
Cut, cut. Snip, snip.
194
00:14:30,704 --> 00:14:34,808
Then I take all the hairs up off the floor
and make little animals.
195
00:14:36,610 --> 00:14:40,447
Okay. As you can see,
we've got quite a life going.
196
00:14:45,518 --> 00:14:50,090
Okay, Marcie, let's go renew
your prescription at the drugstore.
197
00:14:50,490 --> 00:14:53,326
You think this will make a nice reindeer?
198
00:14:59,232 --> 00:15:02,602
Well, it's been more fun than I can
describe with my limited vocabulary...
199
00:15:02,769 --> 00:15:04,437
...But I'm gonna ride my bike now.
200
00:15:04,871 --> 00:15:07,674
Kelly, honey, you know...
201
00:15:07,841 --> 00:15:11,411
...I rode a few motorcycles when I was young.
202
00:15:11,578 --> 00:15:14,681
I remember the wind, the speed...
203
00:15:14,848 --> 00:15:16,950
...The vibration...
204
00:15:17,150 --> 00:15:19,052
...The whirring.
205
00:15:25,091 --> 00:15:29,663
Oh, God, if only they made
stationary motorcycles.
206
00:15:30,130 --> 00:15:31,998
How can I make you people understand?
207
00:15:32,165 --> 00:15:35,568
I mean, having a motorcycle's
gonna open up new vistas for me.
208
00:15:35,735 --> 00:15:37,304
Things you can't do in a car.
209
00:15:37,470 --> 00:15:38,838
You can ride alone.
210
00:15:39,005 --> 00:15:41,174
You can ride in a group of other motorcycles.
211
00:15:41,341 --> 00:15:45,345
You can ride alone, but go to the place
where the group rode their cycles.
212
00:15:45,512 --> 00:15:47,947
You can go to this place
and talk about motorcycles...
213
00:15:48,114 --> 00:15:50,517
...And then you can get back on and go home.
214
00:15:51,017 --> 00:15:54,587
Plus, I can't return it, because
I can't remember where I bought it.
215
00:16:01,494 --> 00:16:04,364
You're the king, baby.
216
00:16:11,438 --> 00:16:14,708
Dad, will you help me
crowbar Mommy off my bike?
217
00:16:14,908 --> 00:16:17,077
I must heed the call of the open road.
218
00:16:17,243 --> 00:16:20,013
I must fly like the beagle.
219
00:16:20,947 --> 00:16:24,784
I'm gonna eat my Trix on Route 66.
220
00:16:26,119 --> 00:16:29,689
Oh, the freedom.
I can ride my bike anywhere, anytime.
221
00:16:29,856 --> 00:16:31,591
Nothing is gonna keep me off of it.
222
00:16:33,426 --> 00:16:35,829
Rain. Daddy, can I borrow the car?
223
00:16:38,431 --> 00:16:39,999
Thank you.
224
00:16:42,402 --> 00:16:44,170
Mom...
225
00:16:44,404 --> 00:16:48,141
Hi, honey. I was just looking at it.
226
00:16:50,276 --> 00:16:52,579
Upstairs, Al. Now.
227
00:16:59,252 --> 00:17:01,321
How could I talk Kelly out of this?
228
00:17:01,521 --> 00:17:03,456
She doesn't listen to me.
229
00:17:03,623 --> 00:17:06,226
I don't blame her.
Nobody does. I'm an idiot.
230
00:17:07,660 --> 00:17:09,562
But I'm not gay.
231
00:17:10,797 --> 00:17:12,399
I'm sensitive.
232
00:17:13,633 --> 00:17:16,035
Yeah, I should've bought a motorcycle.
233
00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:21,875
And I never would have worn a helmet.
234
00:17:22,609 --> 00:17:25,478
I have a lot to fear from cracking my skull.
235
00:17:25,779 --> 00:17:29,716
It takes a lot of brain-tongue
coordination to babble, "Size nine."
236
00:17:33,186 --> 00:17:35,321
But it would've been great.
237
00:17:38,992 --> 00:17:41,728
NO
WIFE
238
00:17:44,397 --> 00:17:46,065
NO
KIDS
239
00:18:07,620 --> 00:18:08,888
BEER
240
00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:19,192
BLEEKER'S
CAFE-BAR
241
00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:36,142
Yeah, but I have all this.
242
00:19:38,411 --> 00:19:39,746
So long, everybody!
243
00:20:09,976 --> 00:20:12,545
Oh, my God! What have I done?
244
00:20:16,649 --> 00:20:18,785
Oh, Daddy, you were right.
245
00:20:18,952 --> 00:20:20,653
The bike is dangerous.
246
00:20:20,820 --> 00:20:24,223
What if it was me?
I could've been hurt.
247
00:20:27,894 --> 00:20:29,862
What, Daddy?
248
00:20:31,898 --> 00:20:33,232
"I won one"?
249
00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:35,802
Nine-one-one.
250
00:20:49,649 --> 00:20:52,051
Here's your gruel, Daddy.
251
00:20:57,657 --> 00:21:00,460
You know, I learned a valuable lesson:
252
00:21:00,627 --> 00:21:03,129
Motorcycles are far too dangerous.
253
00:21:03,296 --> 00:21:04,764
You're much safer in a car.
254
00:21:04,931 --> 00:21:08,401
I mean, I didn't even feel
any impact when I hit you.
255
00:21:08,901 --> 00:21:10,837
Get this out of the way.
256
00:21:15,041 --> 00:21:16,843
What, Daddy?
257
00:21:19,245 --> 00:21:21,914
Oh, goody, now we're playing pirate.
258
00:21:22,849 --> 00:21:24,884
Where be the gold?
259
00:21:26,419 --> 00:21:29,188
Oh, you're the coolest, Daddy.
And you're so smart.
260
00:21:29,355 --> 00:21:31,791
I mean, you knew that
the only way to convince...
261
00:21:31,958 --> 00:21:34,193
...An impetuous youth like myself
was to show me.
262
00:21:34,360 --> 00:21:35,662
And you did that.
263
00:21:35,828 --> 00:21:38,331
I guess you do love me.
Oh, don't you, you big lug?
264
00:21:39,465 --> 00:21:41,501
Dirty scum.
265
00:21:43,302 --> 00:21:47,440
Mommy? She's out taking care
of what's left of my bike.
266
00:21:48,841 --> 00:21:51,044
Come with Mommy.
267
00:21:53,312 --> 00:21:56,949
The cold garage is no place for you.
268
00:21:58,084 --> 00:22:01,521
When you're done with Daddy,
just put him in the garage.
269
00:22:04,924 --> 00:22:08,194
Well, for once, everybody's happy.
270
00:22:08,361 --> 00:22:10,596
I love you, Daddy.
20721
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