Original subtitles

Oh, here comes Daddy.

How do I look?

- Terrific, Mom. - Good.

You know, every payday I like Daddy to see what his last check went for.

Assume the position.

Hi. Nice to see you. Good to be back.

If anyone needs me, I'll be on the couch.

Goodbye. So long. Don't write. Don't call.

Al, perhaps you didn't see us.

I think he's playing dumb.

No, honey. I've known him for years. He's not playing.

- Where's the money, Al? - I got robbed.

I was driving home and I drove by the bank, and the street was cordoned off.

So I knew I shouldn't get out of the car, but I did...

...And that's when they jumped me.

- Muggers, Al? - Worse.

Bankers.

Bill collectors, electric-company reps...

...That wiry little woman from the water company.

They were all there.

They threw me down, forced a pen in my hand...

...And made me pay bills against my will.

I felt so violated.

But I fought like a wildcat...

...And I think I felt a toe snap...

...When I bit through that water-company babe's penny loafer.

And that gas guy's gonna be reading meters out of one eye for a while.

Well, you know, this is my own fault.

The organ grinder who owns the monkey...

...Doesn't let him have the check.

You're the organ grinder, all right.

Hey, what's this?

Well, it was my handkerchief.

Here, boy.

Good boy.

Hey, kids, look at this.

It's a brochure announcing a monthly shoe-sales contest.

And the winner gets a free first-class trip to Hawaii.

Well, that's fine for the winner, but what would Dad get?

So you bowel-constricting vampires I call loved ones...

...Think I couldn't possibly be a winner, huh?

- No. - Not really.

Oh, sure, I pulled the handle on the slot machine of life...

...And come up with prune, lemon...

...And the lonely Mr. Cherry.

But I was a high school hero.

And I can do it again.

Any man who can score four touchdowns in a single game...

...After a night with your mother...

...Is surely capable of new glory.

Al Bundy will win this contest and go to Hawaii.

- First class. - How come the winner...

- ...Only gets one ticket? - Otherwise...

...He'd have to take his wife. Where's the incentive there?

Here he comes.

He's coming in for a pit stop.

Sold 24 pair of shoes, and I'm in third place.

Shower me.

Squeegee me.

Shoe me.

Fratella's in second place, but I can take him.

He goes home at night to visit his wife. The sap still loves her.

Luckily I don't have that problem.

No time for frivolity.

Freshen me.

Shirt me.

Shoe me.

Get away from me.

I am now ready to sell.

That should be Marcie coming to buy shoes.

The strangest thing just happened.

I was taking a shower...

...And someone broke in and stole all my shoes.

How odd.

I only hope that this is not a night in which you need shoes.

Well, you know she does, Al, I told you.

We have a big, important dinner with the bank president, remember?

Marcie was in the shower, you told me my hair was a mess...

...So of course, I ran off to fix it. When I came back, you were gone.

You must have just missed the burglar.

Anyway, hey, how's my hair?

Soft, yet manageable.

Now, Marcie, as a friend who's also in the business...

...Let me fix you up with a nice pair of shoes.

Now, just sit down right here and put your feet in my hands.

You're not gonna look up my dress, are you?

I'm not going through the rest of my life blind...

...Just to sell you shoes.

Now, here, let me show you a very nice set of pumps.

Two-inch heels, which, by coincidence...

...Match your dress exactly.

- They're perfect. I'll take them. - Fine. That'll be $500.

Five hundred dollars?

Well, they came in a six-pack.

Apparently, they were a family of cats...

...And we were asked not to separate them.

But trust me. They weren't killed for shoes.

They were all run over by cars.

That must be where they get Hush Puppies.

Oh, spare me. Just give me the shoes.

I'm tired of looking at myself in your head.

Come on, Jefferson, we're late.

And remember, after dinner when they serve the cigars and brandy...

...You go in the other room with the wives.

All right, but I better get a phone book for my pants...

...Because every time it's the same thing.

The lights "accidentally" go out...

...And I'm the helpless victim of a gang-goose.

Look, those people are important to my career.

You'll take it and like it, missy.

Marcie, come on. I need some help. The wind has picked up.

Could be disastrous for my hair. You know.

Mom. You know what I'm thinking?

That we should go upstairs and split up Marcie's shoes?

No, I was just wondering what I was thinking, because I forgot.

Hi, Dad.

- This is Petal. - It's part of a flower.

Isn't she great? I met her in Quantum Physics.

Hold my calls.

There never are any, son.

Never mind that now, Dad.

See you tomorrow.

Young lady!

Young lady, you do realize...

...That's my son's bedroom you're going to?

Yes.

Hey, nice shoes.

Dad, don't.

Come on, Dad. Dad, no.

Come on, Bud. Get over it.

What is one girl in the grand scheme of your life?

Just your only chance.

Oh, come on, you're not alone in this.

I myself have never had a woman, and I'm fine.

And neither has Mom.

And lately, neither has your father.

Family.

Bask in the glory.

I did it.

I won the contest.

You're looking at the shoe salesman of the month.

I'm going to Hawaii. First class.

And you know what they have in first class?

Unlimited peanuts.

And a passenger-lavatory ratio of only six to one.

Gee, I'm gonna miss you guys.

Well, hang onto your haemorrhoids, honey.

I have news for you.

I called the airlines and there's been a change of plans.

I traded your first-class ticket in for four standbys.

We're all going to Hawaii together.

And, Dad...

...It was my idea.

Oh, that was so smart.

Well, standby isn't too bad.

I mean, how long can they possibly make us wait?

Well, I checked on Seven.

Marcie found him where we left him.

In her guest room.

She said she'd look after him.

She's just amazed by the things that happen when she's in the shower.

- Well, what about Buck? - Oh, I took care of that.

I opened up six cans of dog food...

...And I told him to only eat one each day.

And I could tell by the way he dug into that first can...

...That he understood completely.

Some man...

...Or men...

...Are gonna be very lucky to have you one day.

Attention, ladies and gentlemen.

In the first-class lounge the champagne is now 42 degrees.

And, as always, unlimited peanuts are now being served.

First class.

Champagne. Peanuts flowing like wine.

That was supposed to be me.

Welcome to the first-class lounge. May I see your ticket, sir?

This is standby.

You embarrass me and yourself.

- Excuse me. - Hey.

It's John Sebastian.

Believe in magic, buddy.

I seem to have lost my ticket.

Oh, it doesn't matter, Mr. Sebastian.

We know you. Go right in. As always, the peanuts are unlimited.

Life is good.

I should have said I lost my ticket.

Wouldn't have done any good. You're not a rock star.

Oh, Richie Havens. Welcome, sir.

Spencer Davis. Good to see you.

Robby Krieger. I love the Doors.

- Mark Lindsay, always a pleasure. - Thank you.

Peter Noone. Please come in.

Hey, man. Groovy there. Right on.

Peace, love...

...And women shouldn't have to cook, man.

Dig it, I'm hip.

Try to keep the groupies off me if you can.

Excuse me, excuse me.

- Ticket, please. - Well...

...Must've left it in the limo. Rock n roll always forgets.

I'm sorry, sir, but I don't recognize you. You'll need a ticket.

Sebastian. John, my man.

Come here.

Hey, how you doing?

How they hanging, fellow rock bro?

Well, let's just say I can find them when I need them.

Axle. Axle Bundy.

You know, from-- From Shoes and Socks, remember?

San Francisco, 1969.

I don't remember too much about 1969.

Who does?

But seriously, you must remember me from the big concert last year.

Live Aid.

Lemonade.

Kool-Aid, Ice Capade. One of those.

Yeah, I remember.

Peter, look who's here.

Who's he?

Axle Bundy?

Oh, Axle, great. Hey, I'm a big fan.

I've got one of your records. You remember the one that sold.

Have you still got...

...That tambourine-playing wife in your band?

Still screeches horrible backup vocals.

Hey, you must be--

Just call me yours.

Yeah, and we're Bombshell and Troll.

Hey, fab. Hey, come on in.

Unlimited peanuts for all in here.

Hey, you got something on your tie--

Sandwiches.

Could you imagine living like this all the time?

No wonder Fergie's such a piglet.

Could life be any grander?

Who'd have thunk it? Living it up with the geezers of rock.

Speaking of geezers...

...Son, have you seen your mother?

No, but if she's anywhere on this stewardess, I'll find her.

You are who I think of when I have sex with my husband.

You are who I think of when I have sex with my husband.

You are who I think of when I have sex with my husband.

You are who I think of when I--

When I clean up the floor around the toilet.

Hey, Axle, come on and join us over here.

We're jamming.

Yeah, come on, man. It wouldn't be a jam without...

Who is that guy?

The name's Awful Grungy or something.

I don't-- I don't know him.

But I know that's Peggy, and I believe we all remember her.

I think I remember him.

Didn't he use to be the fifth Monkee?

Hey, Ankle, we're waiting on you. Come on.

Come on, Daddy, you never play at home.

Oh, I don't know.

- Hey, fellow rock bros. - Hey.

- I just had me a groupie. - All right.

Hey, why don't you jam with us.

Come on, Al, for old time's sake.

Hey, man, where'd you learn to play pastrami like that?

A little after-hours deli on the South Side.

Wild, man. You got cold cuts in your blood, man.

By the way, a little mustard on your pants.

Flight 107 to Tucson now boarding Gate 4A.

That's us. Let's go.

Well.

Come on, time to go.

Say goodbye to first-class Axle...

...And hello to standby Al.

Hey, Axle.

Where you going?

Forgot my ticket.

Ticket? You don't need a ticket. Everybody knows you.

Yeah, come on. We got the whole first-class compartment...

...All to ourselves. And we're doing a benefit...

...And we need all the big stars we can get, Axle.

Yeah, there aren't many bigger stars than you...

...Maxwell.

Come on, we need your blue-eyed, bad-wigged soul.

Gee, why not, Al?

It'd be just like singing in the shower.

If you sang.

Or showered.

Come on.

Oh, all right. Let's go.

Wait a second, wait a second.

I need Lucille.

- Take no prisoners. - Peanuts!

All right. And now, as promised...

...The world premiere of the superstar video...

...For Old Aid.

We are the old

We've got arthritis

- Our gums are weak - So weak

From gingivitis

We are the old

We've got arthritis

We are the ones who wear bifocals And have bursitis

There are people younger

But we heed another call

We really need the money

Our accountants took it all

We sing to you

Those who have money

Once we was cool

But now we just dress funny

We need your help

So please, please dig deep

Don't call after ten

'Cause we'll be asleep

We have Medicare

And anti-gas pills

But without your help We can't pay our alimony bills

Take it, Axle.

We are the old

They are the old

We have arthritis

They have arthritis

Once we were gods

Now golf excites us

Golf excites them.

So write a check

A really big one.

For our December

There's one more verse

But we can't remember

Sing this, Axle.

One more time.