Original subtitles

You're spending your Saturday night listening to Oldies Radio WZ .

Pretty pathetic, isn't it?

Here's one you have to be hovering around 40 to remember.

Then I couldn't possibly remember.

Honey.

Al.

Oh, my God, is it our anniversary again?

No, Al.

Well, then, what gives you the right to touch me?

Because I'm tired of touching myself.

Well, who could blame you?

Al, I wanna talk.

And I want the same attention that you'd give one of your burps.

And you think you've earned that right?

Look, honey, I know you love your burps. We all do.

But if we could just put your gas aside, just this once.

After that one, of course.

Come on, Al, it's Saturday night and we are sitting home alone, doing nothing.

Didn't use to be like that.

- Remember when we were young? - No.

Out every night. Living, loving, taking big mouthfuls of life.

And then we met.

But we had some great times. And we can again.

Whatever we did then, we can do now.

No, we can't, Peg, because now when we make love, I don't get to go home.

Peg, you're old. Revel in it.

Get yourself some Q-Tips and burp yourself to the grave, baby.

Saturday night is for the young, not you.

Oh, yeah, youth.

Every kid in the world's got somewhere to go on Saturday night.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

You got any Popsicle sticks? I'm building a house.

Save your pity. I'm not the only boy in this town without a date.

Don't move, amigos, this one's for me.

Saturday night is the night for amore.

Got me an older woman.

Now Bud's even more depressed.

Say something to him, Al.

Son...

...F Troop's on.

F Troop. Of course.

I'll have plenty of dates once F Troop is over. Plenty, I said.

And by the way...

...In case you're wondering why I'm in my pajamas...

...I wear them under my clothes so I'm ready when a chick wants to go to bed.

They know you're lying.

No, they don't.

Just stay cool.

I don't think we can pull this off.

Yes, we can.

We've got them fooled. We've got everybody fooled.

Are you sure?

What's the difference? We still have each other.

Al, we have to do something.

There's nothing to do except pick out the dress you wanna wear...

...When Dan Rather asks you why your son shot the president.

I am talking about us. We have to improve our social life.

And I have the answers right here.

Now, Peg, those weren't the answers since they stood up by themselves.

They're not alone in that, you know.

Look, I just bought the new issue of Cosmo.

Oh, now, Peg. No, now.

Look here, those articles about married couples having sex every month...

...That's just a bunch of sensationalistic--

Just a bunch of sensationalistic lies...

...Perpetrated on the public to sell magazines.

It's just a bunch of hooey, that's all. Hooey!

- No normal man could-- - Oh, relax, Al.

I'm not talking about sex.

Honey, look, there's an article here:

"Is your marriage dead? Talk it alive."

This says that we should talk every Saturday night.

And that's what we're gonna do. Starting tonight.

Now, we had plenty to talk about when we first met.

Peg, that was before I got to know you.

There was a lot of things I had to find out, you know.

There was stuff like:

"How far will she really go on a six-pack?" And, you know:

"Would it be any fun for you to watch me and your friend Joan?

Did she actually see Deep Throat?" You know...

Yeah, and there was that thing that I always kept wondering:

"How could a man with such big feet have such a teeny-weeny, tiny, little...

- ...Itsy--?" - Peg.

Brain, honey.

Oh, come on, Al. Let's talk.

Fine. We'll talk.

Don't you dare. We are talking here.

I refuse to talk to my wife when I have a TV in the house.

Al, I wanna talk. Talk to me!

I'm out of gas.

Aren't you supposed to turn the car off before you say that?

Well, what's the difference?

I mean, we both know I'm not out of gas.

Oh, very nice. Now we both do.

God, I hate women.

All right.

I'm out of gas.

For real?

Yeah.

What a coinkydink, huh?

Come here.

- Don't you wanna talk first? - No.

If I wanted to talk, I'd be hanging out with the guys.

And I wouldn't have had to shave.

- Come here. - Come here?

If I wanted to listen to one-word sentences...

...I would have been out with the girls, and I wouldn't have had to shave.

You know, Kelly, I'm sure there's a lot more to you than meets the eye.

Unfortunately, I don't really care about that part.

So why don't you just put out or get out.

Okay?

Well, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do, huh?

Exactly.

It was good for me, was it good for you?

Have a nice walk home, tramp.

Tramp?

But I got out.

Oh, no.

Left, right, left, right, left, right, right, right.

I must have forgotten a left somewhere.

Oh, God, this walk has totally "discumboobled" me.

But as I learned long ago, it doesn't matter where you walk...

...Just as long as you don't walk and chew gum at the same time.

Left, right, left, right-- God, it's so much easier.

Look at me go. - -Left, right.

Fourteen miles? It was 15 before.

It's just getting less.

Oh, doody.

Left, right, left, right...

Goes the owl.

Goes the cow.

Goes the girl with the ride home.

So we've certainly learned a lot about each other.

We have no opinions on politics, religion, science...

...Starving people, nuclear holocaust or recycling.

The only thing that we seem to feel strongly about...

...Is we both hate that painting behind Jay Leno.

- I do hate that painting. - It's terrible.

- I don't know why they put it there. - I don't know why they put it there.

Well, now that we've broken the ice, let's talk about us.

Yes!

Mommy, Daddy, I did it.

I did it. I got a date.

Yup, no more sticky fingers for me.

You know, from the Popsicle sticks.

Anyhow, I called every girl in college...

...And when I got to the most beautiful girl in school...

...She's the one who said, "Thank you, Bud. Please, please take me out."

So I guess I got something special after all.

So where's a good place to take a girl with the measles?

You know, son, you're a mighty strange young fella.

Maybe so, maybe so...

...But a strange young fella with a date.

I know she's got a fever now...

...But wait till she feels the relief from a cool, long-necked Bud against her head.

Peg, I'm beginning to think the kid might have a problem or two.

Yes, but we don't have the right kind of training or concern to handle it.

So, Al, tell me...

...What do you talk about with your friends?

You can talk about those things with me.

Well, Peg, I don't talk to my friends. You don't let me have any.

I don't talk to anybody. I'm just not a talker.

It's not you, Peg, it's just the way I am.

- Hey, Al. - Jefferson, Jefferson, Jefferson...

- ...How you doing? - All right.

- You see the Bears game? - Sure did.

Hey, you think Perot's gonna be back in '96?

Not a chance. Doesn't talk issues, my man.

Oh, remind me to give you back that book.

As you said it, ending was anticlimactic...

...But the read getting there was frankly compelling.

I got that camera that you recommended...

...And the f/1.2 lens was worth the extra money.

Well, the faster the lens, the more light you can use.

Did you know that Pavarotti is back in town?

Hey!

You got a brain that you're not using with me?

That makes two things you're not using with me.

Come on, Al, it's not like I wanna be your friend or anything...

...I just want you to talk to me.

Communication problem, eh?

That started to happen to us.

That is, until we read Cosmo's wonderful, penetrating article:

"Is Your Marriage Dead? Talk It Alive."

It certainly helped Jefferson.

I didn't need any help, because I'm naturally perky and quite fascinating.

Actually, I don't really need Cosmo...

...But poor Jefferson does.

Honey, tell everyone how that article on temporary male impotence...

...Has given you the courage to try, try again.

You should see him. He's so cute going:

"I think I can, I think I can, I think I can."

Of course, that's after four times...

...Of making her shake like a California quake.

And like Los Angeles, I'm still waiting for the big one.

Well, I'd settle for an aftershock.

- Oh, you should see Al. - No, I shouldn't.

Oh, snookums, it's kind of cute, though.

It's like Groundhogs Day, peeking out...

...Seeing its own shadow, getting scared and running away.

Not the shadow it's scared of, Peg.

Cute as the dickens, though.

Yeah, well, not as cute as my little Bermuda Triangle.

Al, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Oh, I just might be.

This talk stuff doesn't work for us. Let's go upstairs.

That doesn't work either, but it's quick and we can get back and watch TV.

- Oh, Al. - You said it, baby!

But you know, Al, it is Saturday night, so I must insist on foreplay.

Oh, all right. Here you go:

Goose, goose, goose.

Well, you think we ought to go home and do it?

Make yourselves some coffee, we'll be back in a second.

Come on, Peg, I'm rounding third, baby!

Gotta go!

Eighty-nine bottles of beer on the wall Eighty-nine bottles of beer

If one of those bottles Should happen to fall

Eighty-ten bottles of beer on the wall

Hey.

What are you guys doing?

We have been by this deer crossing forever, but one hasn't come yet.

Maybe we should just go.

No. Don't.

It could be a trap.

We could start to cross, and then a cop will throw a deer out here...

...And then we'll all be in the pokey sharing a cell with Mike Tyson.

So, what are you guys doing here?

Are you a "Car Broken Down"? CBD. Or a "Put Out or Get Out"? POOGO.

- POOGO. - POOGO.

Yeah, I guess that makes us the three POOGO-teers.

Athos, Porthos and Moe.

Who are they?

They're these guys from this book based on the candy bar.

Well, we could wait here forever for a stupid deer to cross...

...But I guess we should do the sensible thing.

Let's sit down and wait. Okay?

This road brings back memories of my old boyfriend Tony DiVitteto.

- Did you use to come here with him? - No. Why would you think that?

Tramps.

Hey wait, officer, we need a ride home.

Damn.

Who does he think he is, calling us tramps?

Yeah. I resent that.

I mean, must a girl wear underwear to get respect in this town?

I mean, why do men call us tramps?

Because they're morons.

I mean, men are the real tramps.

They'll do it for anyone, any time, any place.

For instance, I was walking home from a date through the cemetery...

...And I heard these people wailing:

"Oh, Grandpa. Oh, Grandpa."

And everybody's weeping and everything.

And then I hear this guy go:

"Hooters at five o'clock."

And so everyone turns to look at me...

...The pallbearers drop the casket, Grandpa's head comes rolling out--

It was a railroad accident.

--And men from the funeral come running up to me going:

"God, I love Grandpa. Let's do it in his casket."

Men are tramps.

Yeah, they sure are.

And we do not, as rumored, spend our lives on our backs.

Hey, isn't that the constellation Orion?

I can't tell. Wait a second.

Yup, it is.

Pretty.

- There's a car. Hey. - Hi.

Come on, stop.

Hi, Kelly.

I know you've been punished...

...Because you had to spend the last hour Ralph-less.

But being that I'm a forgiving guy...

...I'm willing to let you hop in...

...And partake in the nectar that is I.

Hey, how about this.

I'm with my friends, so why don't we all go into the field...

...And we can fight over you.

You know, pull each other's hair and roll around until our dresses ride up...

...Or get ripped to shreds or something?

Well, I guess I'm Ralph enough for three.

Oh, wait. And Ralph...

...Why don't you pull your pants down.

You know, to further fire our ardor?

All right. But hold each other's hands.

I don't want anyone to get frightened.

All right, here comes a big slice of heaven.

Hey, stupid tramps. That's not the field.

That's my car.

And that is not even Ralph enough for one.

So long, sucker.

Wait a second. How am I supposed to get home?

Walk in these, butthead.

Hey, buddy...

...How's it going?

My car broke down.

So, what are you so happy about?

Because it broke down on my way home from the date.

I just got me some.

Well, I was out with this girl...

...I bought her popcorn, took her to the movies, everything.

She wouldn't put out. Some tramp named Kelly Bundy.

- So I guess it was her loss, huh? - Definitely.

Well, I better get on home.

I just got the measles and I'm really contagious.

Consider that a present from Kelly.