Original subtitles

Hurry! Hurry!

I'm sure the Earl will still be holding court when we get there, my lord. Maybe,

but you know what the old court road's like when there's a big show on? We

be stuck in a jam for hours.

Bear a party for a cup of mud, your majesty.

Ah, push off, Brinkley.

We're going shopping!

They're coming, they're coming. All right, all right, don't get your arrows

twist. It's only a hold -up.

This will be my very first boat show. You will let me have a ride, Your

won't you? You can trust me.

Rose, I wouldn't give you a ride if you were the last woman in the world.

You pinch the portholes, filch the flagpole, and put the sailors off their

stride with your club dancing.

My cabaret act.

Cabaret act? We're buying a battleship, not a Caribbean cruise liner.

Real life battleship. We'll have to draw huge squares, won't we, if we want

anyone else to play with us. You ready?

Sure thing. Any moment now, rabies will leap out and say you're money or your

wife. Life, Robin.

Sure. Hey, how much do you reckon they've got?

20 ,000 gold pieces.

Wow, I'll get a Gucci quiver, Armani tights. Shut up, baby.

Come on, rabies.

Who's rabies?

I'm sure the French fleet will be terrified.

Where's Raby?

I'm reassuring to know how good family always end up.

Shall

we

go home yet? No, not until we've ambushed someone.

I ambushed that bloke in a great cult.

That was a water rat little run.

You mean one of those showbiz guys doing that marvellous work for charity?

I think they're great, don't you? Eating all those enormous banquets and

organising all those rounds of golf just to give underprivileged young kids a

break. Can we go home now?

We would have gone home five hours ago if Rabies had done what he was supposed

to. Wouldn't we, Rabies?

Wouldn't we?

I can't believe this.

I simply can't believe it.

Honestly, that man drops off more often than a one -legged tightrope walker.

Wake up, rabies!

Wake up!

Ah! It's a giant loaf!

No, it's a giant loafer. Wake up, you great snoozebag.

So you're not a mother's pride?

No, she hasn't spoken to me for six months.

Honestly, Rabies, you'd sleep through anything.

If we stuck Big Ben in your left ear, the combined chorus of the National

Association of Heavy Metal Bands in your right ear, and a man -eating tiger down

your trousers, you'd still just lie there, stacking up the zeds.

Well, you're so lazy.

Lazy as you are. You drive me crazy.

Lazy as my pot.

Every time I look at you, your eyes are so close. You sleep with the...

What about you?

You're so cool.

Yeah, well, maybe, you know.

You're such a fool.

No, man, I'm just... You never get excited. You never really care.

The only thing you worry about's the length of your hair.

You're so cool, you could use your trousers as a prejudice.

You're so cool.

Oh, tough.

And Robin, you're a coward.

I wish someday you'd do something brave. Who, me?

Don't do that.

Well, you're so

bossy. Me?

Completely bossy. Yes, you are.

Look, just practice it right now, okay?

Just admit, just admit.

Why is there a big boat sailing through the forest?

What did you say?

I said, why is there a big boat sailing through the forest?

Rabies, this is the real world.

There are no witches, no ogres, and boats don't sail through the forest.

sail on the sea, Raby. So this is the sea, is it?

No. Then what's that, then?

Blimey, it's a boat sailing through the forest. Come on.

Heave!

Heave, my hearties!

We're stuck, my lord. We've sort of run aground.

I thought I was going to die trying to get across Oxford Circus.

Yeah, that lion tamer was furious with you for spoiling his act.

So what the heck are we going to do?

We could try using rollers.

For goodness sake, man, we can't do our hair now. We've got to get that boat

moving. No, sir, I think you'd be chopping down some trees and sort of

them to roll the boat along.

Of course!

This way.

Wow. I mean, seriously, wow.

Isn't that the most beautiful thing you've seen in your entire life?

I want it.

I really want it.

It's a nigger.

Barrington, it's a tent and warship. I can't just slip it in my pocket.

The master could scrape your leg, wouldn't he? I could push it.

You reckon?

I reckon.

What was that?

I don't know.

You sure he ain't break his anon?

Each fool gets an afternoon at Madam Two Swords. You didn't miss anything, sire.

I've seen them two swords.

That madam doesn't do anything interesting with them, you know. Just

cabbage in half, curtsies and takes your money. Right, here we are. You lift it

up, I'll shove this thing under.

Lift what up, sire?

The mauve rhinoceros in the middle of the path. What do you think?

There isn't any mauve rhinoceros, sire. You amaze me. There isn't any boat

either. What?

I think someone's pinched it, sire.

Don't be ridiculous. Who'd possibly pinch 20 ,000 gold pieces with... Oh, my

sweetheart, Fanny.

Robin Hood!

Don't be ridiculous, Marion. Skegness Clips is miles away.

the ocean floor.

The next minute we were washed up here.

Yeah, weird or what?

Oh, here comes the beach boys.

Gary and Graham.

Oh, no.

Don't let them chop me to pieces, please.

Good morrow, storm -tossed mariners. Welcome to Indyland. Don't touch me,

Graham, or I'll bite your fingers off and use them as earwax removers. I know

not this Graham of whom you speak. My name is Gregory.

And I'm his bestest matey, Gregory.

Spooky. You haven't just been to one of them all -night cough mixture parties,

have you? Heavens to Bodsie, no. Last night we were full fast asleep by 13 o

'clock. Would these guys win the weirdest wonkers in workshop competition

what? I'm not sure we're in the workshop, Robin.

What do you mean?

Come, Grigri. Let us take our newfound buddies to workflop. Where?

Of course.

Don't you know what this means?

Yeah, this means the thing I'm pointing at, like this pimple, this armpit.

This great twit with wings on his bonce. No.

This means we've landed in a parallel universe.

Do what?

Somehow, we've broken through the space -time continuum and landed in a place

almost but not quite identical to the place we've just left.

Look, I'll show you what I mean.

Grigri, how many days in the week are there?

Eight? Unless it's a leap week.

And what football club do you support?

Sheffield Thursday afternoon.

Come on, you pink and yellow!

Oh, yeah.

Everything's sort of nearly the same, isn't it? And who's the most talented,

most popular entertainer in your whole universe?

Jeremy the Beedle! No, some things are totally opposite, right?

It seems so, Rabies.

Did you say Rabies?

Well, knock me down with a father. Could he be the one, Grey Grey?

The rabid one?

I think you catch my draft.

Not you, man!

Not you, man!

Howdy -doody, potpickers. Just catching 39 winks, don't you know? Have a pip

-tart.

Oh, lummy, soggy sailors.

Have a pip -tart.

Have a pip -tart.

Sire, this one do bear the moniker of rabies.

Rabies?

Rabies? Sweet buddies of my bosom, well done. Perhaps at last we've found the

noble chum who'll overthrow the wicked witch and cast her into a bottomless

Excuse me, but you three are waffling on like retarded disc jockeys and we

haven't got a clue what you're on about.

Then I'll explain.

Long time ago, old Ingi land was ruled by two princesses.

who both had pretty faces, pretty feet and pretty dresses.

One was known as Rose the Good, we gave her love and thanks.

The other's name was Gaia, she was thick as two short planks. Heidi

diddle diddle dee, Heidi diddle diddle do, we gave her love and thanks.

The other's name was Gaia, she was thick as two short planks.

The people of old Ingeland loved Gaia and her sister.

All day they played to Beauty -O, Monopoly and Twister. But little did

realise that hidden in a ditch there was an awful ogre and

a very wicked witch.

Hidey -diddle -diddle -dee, hidey -diddle -diddle -doe were hidden in a

There was an awful ogre and...

A very wicked witch.

The witch drew out her mighty wand and in a flash of flames the innocent

princesses were hacked around with chains.

The ogre laughed and told the folk they'd never more be free. Then made

his garden while he ate up all their tea.

So now the folk of Workflop... Have become the witch's slave.

They wash her vest and pants while she goes out on all night raves. But one

night I sneaked into her hut to take a look. And came upon these magic words.

Are written in a book.

Beware, oh wicked witch.

For one day, a great leader will appear as if from nowhere, and he and his

cohorts will bear down upon you like avenging angels, and you won't like it

much. And the name of this man will be... Rabies.

So that's why we've been mysteriously brought here. To rescue the princesses

from the wicked witch.

Okay, Sheriff, leave this to me.

How muchly, me old deario, but no go, I'm afraid. Remember ye not what the old

tome says?

One day a great leader will appear.

And the name of this man will be Rabies.

Hey, wow, man.

Rabies, this is your big chance. Yes.

Off you go and lead your men into bottle, Mr. Mighty.

What's your plan?

I'm not quite sure yet.

Oh, sweet sister.

How many oodles of eons have we been imprisoned in this loathsome goal?

I think you'll find it's jail, actually.

G -A -O -L. It's pronounced jail.

I see.

So this must be a jail post.

And this would be a jail net, would he not? Football, football, football.

You'll worsen Jimmy over the hill.

Sneaker, they'll be prisoners no longer.

Good God, Mr.

Smiley. Are you going to set us free? No, I'm going to kill...

They be kind to cuddly animals.

They smile sweetly on sickly children with runny noses and never be grumpy or

sulky like some princesses not as far away as Marble Arch.

If you have a heart, beat it in your tum -tum.

If we had some cocktail sticks and a few squares of cheese, we could turn them

into one of them hedgehog things people have at parties.

I've never had a hedgehog at a party. I had a lifetime from a badger once.

Right, your royal harnesses, prepare to die!

OK, rabies, so what do we do? Don't worry, everyone, I'll handle this. I'm

in alone.

Robbie! No violence, Robbie, I'll talk some sense into him.

Little one!

And anything anyone wants me to do, I'll do it straight away.

It's the most exciting thing that's ever happened to me.

Must be the influence of this universe.

You're all changing.

You're changing before my very eyes.

Yeah, well, I thought I'd better slip into something a bit more suitable. Know

what I mean?

And now, my little angel delight, what fruity vegetable will I turn you into?

A polygramic, perhaps, or a hearty choke?

I'd rather stay as I am, if you please.

I know I squeeze my blackie heads and my trainers pong like the cows come home,

but I'm a right little poppet underneath and much beloved by the stinky common

folk.

Oh, spare her, cruel spell weaver. She is completely innocent and dust as a

brush to boot. Her IQ is as low as the pole the termites use for their pole

vault contest.

Let her fly as free as the life in her hair and take me instead.

Instead? Instead!

I'll have you both some chubby chubs.

I'll turn you into peaches and pears. And Sneaker here will dice you into ten

fruit salad.

That I will.

Wait.

I'm going to waste you, darling. You and your disgusting black magic.

Can we just keep the marzipan ones here?

Jerking a jerking. You're nothing but a big green wally.

Zap him to kingdom king, sister.

London, where's he gone?

Blimey, she's turned him into a jerking.

Oh, look, it is the wet band.

Yeah, he really is a wally now.

So, who's going to be next?

Oh, it's about the mingy little midge. I'll turn him into a tiny black currant.

and pop him on my jinglebread man as a spare. Aye, Bill.

Look, why don't we sit down and talk about this in a civilised fashion?

You're a reasonable woman.

No, I'm not. I'm a stark -steady bonker. I'm as nutty as a tipsy -turvy peanut.

Mess with me and you'll feel my bunch of sexes. Tick -smash.

Sparring can do something.

I can't. It's also upsetting.

It makes me feel really, really sad.

Wedding ourselves, are we, rusty man?

Never mind.

I'll turn you into a nana and dry away your tears, my dear.

Oh, no.

He's gone all pathetic.

He's as useless as a tie -rap to a new -age traveller.

Can't you do something, Marion?

Me? Oh, no, I'm just a girlie. Best leave it to the men, I say.

Oh, Struth, I don't reckon much of this parallel universe.

Everyone's behaviour is altered so fundamentally, they're no longer able to

function in an appropriate fashion.

Oh, Rabies, you're much too brainy for an empty -headed chatterbox like me.

Blimey, you're right.

Whereas formerly I was as thick as a pair of undersized wooden cross

I now appear to be a right old clever clogs with a mental ability to do 26

math papers before breakfast and still have time to read the B -note.

Does that mean you'll be able to save the lovely princesses, then, Rabies?

seeing as how you've unilaterally abdicated all leadership

suppose I'll flippin' have to.

Now... If only I had a large magnet, a bicycle pump, and one of those things

removing spaghetti from boiling water, I might be able to fashion a device

sufficiently powerful to override the witch's magic, thus rendering her a

powerless old nitwit.

Oh, look!

A magnet and a bicycle pump!

But without the spaghetti thing, our enterprise is doomed to failure.

Oh!

Gracious, it's one of those things for removing spaghetti from boiling water.

Come on, Ravies, it's a race against time.

Look, I'm sure you're not really a bad person.

Why don't I give you a big cuddle? Tell you what, we'll all give you a big

cuddle. Cuddle?

Cuddle! I'm a wicky witch, not a care bear.

Robbie, not a care bear, what?

She was so sweet.

Scrabble them, wicky.

Scratch their...

with your wondrous wonder.

No, Sparrows.

We've got so much to live for. Yes, Sparrows, I beg you.

Sparrows. No, no, a million times no.

Playtime's over, lady.

Oh, Rabies, you men are so good at this sort of thing. Thank you, dear sweet

friend. You're wonderful.

Yeah, but I hope you haven't hurt the poor witch's feelings.

I'll hurt his feelings.

I'll hurt his snaggy basket.

Give me back my wonder, you greasy cheeseburger.

Your desire, madam, is my obligation.

Amazing!

You've turned her into a box of man -sized...

bit difficult to explain. I just went like this.

What have you done?

The princesses have been changed into models of the Statue of Liberty, made

entirely of Wensley Dow cheese.

And the peasants have become a pair of water wings autographed by the England

cricket team.

Sorry, Loaf. I'm really, truly sorry.

I should think you are. Pull yourself together, Rabies.

Honestly, that man drops off more often than a one -legged tightrope walker.

Wake up, Rabies!

Wake up!

It's a giant loaf!

No, it's a giant loafer. Wake up, you great snoozebag.

So you're not a mother's pride?

No, she hasn't spoken to me for six months.

You were dreaming again.

Dreaming? Dreaming?

You mean the whole adventure of which the boat and everything was just a

What a rip -off. What a stupid, rotten rip -off. Honestly, Rabies, you'd sleep

through anything if we stuck a Formula One racing kart in your left ear. The

combined... chorus of the National Association of Pneumatic Drill

your right ear and a hammerhead shark down your trousers, you'd still just lie

there, stacking up the zeds.

Why is there a big boat sailing through the forest?

What did you say?

I said, why... Uh -oh. Here we go again.

Marion!

Why don't you carry on with the watcher?

Because there's...