Original subtitles

state of this place. It's revolting.

And what's that?

An old crab sandwich, my lord.

And the old crab appears to have crawled away before you had a chance to eat it.

It's disgusting.

Firm -ass vegetable soup on the throne.

Old underpants in a waste paper bin.

And what's that?

Well, my lord, you mean this picture of your platoon on the first crusade? I

want it in here.

Oh, is that the one of you doing the Lombard?

that thing under your head, Your Majesty.

It's horrible!

It's revolting!

It's only a potty, Your Majesty. Just do it a manly fun.

There's something inside!

I don't think so, my lord. Your head looks perfectly dry.

18 certificates, isn't it?

Can't you people read?

Oh, honestly, the noise.

Sherwood. It's getting more like Cricklewood.

Must you leap around like that? This is supposed to be a studio flat, not an

adventure playground.

You should have been there, man. It was a smash. Yeah, a monster smash.

Rabies, the thought was inspired, but I thought we'd agreed on a ghostly hand.

Oh, that was it. I knew I had to wave a pink thing that was on the end of one of

me dangly bits, but I couldn't remember which one.

I tell you, the king is so scared, he's going to leave the country and be good

now.

Ranking plan, Marion.

Yes, well, I still think my idea was better.

Robin, your idea was pathetic.

If they held an Olympic Games for bad ideas, yours would win the marathon, the

pentathlon and the 100 metres freestyle.

Ha, ha.

You're about as funny as Russell the Abbot.

I know you.

You'll use my brilliant plan one day. Don't you pretend it was yours.

Now, leave me on my own, please. I'd like some solitude.

Oh, come on, man. We're all friends here.

No, Barrington. We are business acquaintances. My friends have style,

highway credibility.

Sadly, none of them live here.

Good night.

Come on, Your Majesty.

You've been under there for five hours, sire.

No. If I come out, the ghosts will get me.

I think not, my lord.

See these daggers?

Note the simple inscription on the blades.

Free with 25 tiger tokens.

What does that tell you about them?

They'd fall apart in five minutes flat.

Possibly. But I'll hazard that no self -respecting ghost would obtain its

weaponry from the forecourt of a service station.

And see this torn piece of grey dress.

This is the exact fabric used in the summer dresses worn by the fifth year at

Nottingham East Comprehensive School.

Oh, yeah? I had one of them.

And one last observation.

This desk. A ghostly foot would have materialised through it as if by magic,

would it not? But in here, there is a hole.

A hole if I'm not... Wait a minute. Wait a ghost -busting minute. What's

this piece of paper?

I'm going to pack it, being king!

Listen to this.

Instructions for rabies.

One, cut a big hole.

Two, stick your hand through it. Your hand, rabies, gets at your hand.

Three, wiggle it when they get panicky.

Signed, M .M.

Now, who do you think that could be?

Mickey Mouse!

I'm going to retire right now!

So you see, it wasn't ghosts at all!

They can take this! stupid crown back.

I'm going to abdicate.

Abdicate?

But, my lord, you can't. Who'd run the country?

Guy could do it. Guy?

But, my lord, he's a complete moron. He'd be ripped off by the first con

Guy, you say? My lord, that is a brilliant idea.

I'll show him the ropes and the chains and all the rest of the torture

equipment.

Boys, I think we're just about to... make my fortune.

I'm practising my Tai Chi, actually. Gives me inner peace and tranquillity.

All right?

What is it?

Over there, a big lumpy thing.

Oh, yes, you're right.

There is something.

Guard it with your life.

I'll go round up the others.

Would you mind not leaving your dribble on my mouthpiece, please?

Guard it with your life. What a ridiculous thing to say.

Guard it with your big stick, more like.

What is it?

What are you, eh?

Help me, please!

I'm nowhere to go!

Oh, flipping heck, it's travellers.

Clear off! Go on, get moving before I set the hedgehogs on you.

It's all right, it's just one of those...

Honestly, flipping cheek. They lie around all day scrounging off the state

then expect people to give them money.

What, like you, you mean? No, not like me, Barrington. I work for a living,

actually, thinking up really excellent, scary ideas that some people turn down

on the grounds that they're too expensive, when actually they're really

make. And you can flog them to a museum afterwards for thousands of pounds. So

you're actually making money.

He's not staying here, smelly thing. And you never heard of the Good Samaritan,

man? Is it a pub?

No, man.

There was this guy, right, lying beaten up at the side of the road, and loads of

other people passed by on the other side, and they didn't help him. And this

Good Samaritan dude came by and lifted the guy to his feet and said, come home

with me, let me tend your wounds, for you are my brother.

I can't go back to the palace!

The ghost will get me!

Oh, blimey!

Stroop, this is King John.

Push off!

Oh, your majesty, your royal highness.

Barrington, he's a member of the royal family.

Exactly, flipping cheek.

They lie around scrounging up the state all day and then expect people to give

them taxes.

Go on, New York.

Hey, wait a minute. We've got a spare bed. Robin, I'd rather give my spare bed

to a python with the munchies. Of course you can stay.

Haven't you heard of the nice Sumatran? Who?

Well... There was this really classy guy, right, lying by the side of the

and all these people passed him by on the other side because they were all

and only into helping poor people, right?

But then this really cool Sumatran guy, snappy dresser, nice hair, he came by

and he said, Wow, you poor rich person, let me take you back to my studio

apartment. And you're not my brother because my brother's a stupid oaf who

house music all day long through these massive speakers, but I'll kick my

brother out and you can have his room.

And lo, the rich man did come and stay and they became really good friends

because they'd both got pretty good taste, know what I mean?

And the rich man died and left him loads of money in his will and now he's got a

sauna and a jacuzzi and everything.

What a lovely story.

So basically, he's going to have to stay, isn't he?

You may just want to go to sleep. You may be.

feel the whole thing is a hype.

But you've got to keep on dancing people, even if you want an early night.

I'm supposed to take a lot of pains, making my little airplanes at home so

they groove.

Others like the quiet time, catching fishes on the line.

and everybody that you're joining too.

If you don't start dancing, people, you'll be beaten up until you do.

Your Majesty. No, he doesn't. He wants to go faster.

But my legs are worn out.

Oh, dear.

Then we'd better get them thorn up and screw new ones on you, hadn't we? All

right, cliff -clop, cliff -clipping.

Look, look, lots of dirty beggary people.

What are they doing?

They're dancing at the news that you're their new king, my lord.

What, because that happened?

And because we kill them if they don't. Well, I don't like it.

Stop it!

Oh, they did?

They'll do anything now I'm king, won't they?

Yep. Even things that are really disgusting and mucky. That's the feudal

for you.

Good. Right, beggary people, pick up a huge dollop of mud and rub it in your

faces.

to get some tits out of me, imagine me. Right!

You three do it, then.

You know, there's times where I'd almost like to see old fat guts back on the

throne. Where's my lunch?

Rabies, go and humour him, would you?

You see, Robin, that's what really happens tonight, Sir Martin. In five

flat, they're eaten out of house and home by greedy fat pigs with a stomach

size of a builder's skit.

Where's my lunch?

Hello?

What's the difference between King John and a jellyfish?

I don't know!

Well, one's this horrible wobbly jelly thing that hurts people.

And if you see it lying on a beach, you want to go up and whack it with a stick.

And so's the other thing.

What other thing?

The jellyfish.

Are you trying to be funny?

Yeah. Marion says I've got a humour. I don't want to be humoured. I want to

where my lunch is.

I want my lunch!

Can't I take this off yet? It's cutting off me circulation. Me nose will drop

off soon.

Right, men, get ten strawberry slams from the kitchen and go... Are you

giggling? Because, quite frankly, I'm not in the mood.

He's been playing pin the tail on the donkey with me for the last hour and a

half.

247 goes he had and the nearest he got was my elbow.

What's that jelly you're sitting in?

Raspberry, I think, sir. Yes.

He had me standing up to my neck in butterscotch angel delight at lunchtime.

man is completely off his chump. It's time for our funny game.

Right, lads, tea break's over.

It's musical statues time.

And the first one to move gets an afters in their mush.

I'll say one thing to the royal family. They've got a great sense of humour,

haven't they?

Oh, stop! Hang on. Oh, I don't believe this.

Why don't we just take him out and lose him?

No, kill him. He's quicker. And he'll cheer us all up. He's a guest,

Robin said he could stay, didn't you, bonehead?

Oh, Masked Bud!

We've eaten a whole month's food.

And a whole month's toothpaste.

We've run out of Masked Buds. You'll have to have Robin's.

Hey! And all the boot polish. Look, everyone feels a bit ratty when they're

peckish, but underneath, I bet he's nice and kind.

And Clarence the Waterfall.

What? Yeah, Clarence the Waterfall.

My little chum, Clarence? Yes. Thought he was a haggis.

More haggis!

Marion, that man is an evil, sadistic fool eater. Something's got to be done.

You're absolutely right, Robin.

And I know just the person to do it.

You moved!

You moved!

You moved!

Sire, something's got to be done. You're absolutely right. And I know just

the... person to do it.

My whole life, dear, I give to you.

Take my heart, dear, tear it in two, and I give you

both my kneecaps in a shy way.

Because something has got to be done.

I know.

Take my armpits.

Take my kidneys.

And the slippers from my auntie in Whitney's.

Threw them in a bowl and leave them all on the stoke on Friends.

Trust you to pick karaoke night for a secret meeting. It was a shrewd ruse,

actually. We're not going to be noticed in this crowd, are we?

There you go, Sheriff.

A pint of dog juice and a McCardy and Frostborn.

Haven't got any scratchings, have you, Gladys?

Scratchings coming up.

There you go.

Couldn't we just scare him off like we scared off King John?

He's too stupid to be scared.

You'd have to be the professor of scariness from the University of giving

the willies to frighten him. Or else you'd need to be even more boneheaded

Guy. There isn't anyone.

Oh, yes, there is.

And he's got a scary plan that's so mind -numbingly dumb that it might just

work.

Um, whose idea was it?

Yours, Robin.

Pretty cool, huh? I said you'd end up using it, didn't I? Just shut up and

the head on.

Right, here's your script.

And here's yours.

I love showbiz, don't you, sire?

Actually, sire, I don't think my character would say this line. He will,

he'll get a belt.

I don't think my character would wear a belt, sire.

How about you lot, you ready?

Sure thing, sheriff.

Good luck, lovies.

Be super, darling.

Okay, Sheriff.

It's all down to you now.

Ah, ah, quick! It's coming!

It's coming out of the forest!

What of it? A giant dinosaur! Some terrible stegosaurus rex -y thing!

Oh, good, then. Can I play with it?

It's across the drawbridge. It's in the castle.

He's eaten Cognac's arm and Sneasel's leg and Nigel Partridge's head.

A zip fastener's in the tree trunk so we can hide really quickly.

Swan -shaped hats that not only look good, but they're a really brilliant

disguise when you're in the water.

Yes, Robin.

I'll be off to bed then. Do me a favour. Don't wake me up till Wednesday, OK?

Keep the noise down!

What? I'm trying to sleep!

But it's OK now. You can go home.

We've sorted it out.

Nobody's trying to kill you and Guy's abdicated.

So what?

Excuse me? I'm moving in. I like it here.

and tell me the story of the Knights of Martin again.