Original subtitles

Doo -dee -doo -dee -doo.

Doo -dee -doo -dee -doo.

What a lovely day it is.

I'm ever so happy.

What on earth's that thing?

Hello, Robbie.

This is Mr.

Winkle. Pretty silly name for a lavatory brush.

He's not a lavatory brush.

He's a hedgehog. Sure. So what's that?

A little nose.

No, it's a little radish.

It's a nose.

No, definitely a radish.

Bye.

Morning, CPAP. Still as ugly as ever, I see.

There.

Better?

Robin, what are you doing that for?

Because it was funny. Bush face.

It's called slapstick.

You get hold of some brainless, idiotic bystander like this. You find the most

revolting pile of compost in the neighborhood.

And you chuck him in it.

Funny, eh?

Don't eat it all at once.

OK, who's nicked it? Nicked what, man?

My filofax. It was in my anorak, I know. It's got my cash card, my donor card.

What's a donor card?

It means he's prepared to give his kidneys away.

I'm not surprised they've been sitting here for a month.

Oh, they're getting really whiffy.

We ain't got it, man. You put it down somewhere.

Oh, sure.

It's great living with a bunch of crooks.

I've had it up to here with you.

If you step out of line just now... There he is!

That's the one.

Look what he did to Cognac.

And look what he did to Sneasel.

And look what he did to Nigel Pageter.

Well, who did these horrible things to you?

Whoever it is will be caught and severely punished, won't he, boys?

Yes. It was him.

Him. Him, him, him.

Me? No way.

Why?

Look, I'm Mr Nice Guy, me.

Who gives you all this old dental floss? Me.

Who sewed together his used J -cloth so you could have some really attractive

underwear that absorbs all household stains?

Me. Who pulled the hair of my Mr. Tiggywinkle?

You! I never touched your Mr. Tiggywinkle. I haven't been into

days. Then what's this?

My Filofax.

Great, I thought I'd never be able to network my friends again.

So that's yours, is it?

Look.

Robin Hood, Sherwood Forest, England, the world, near the Milky Way, the

universe. It's a gag, see?

And he came into workshop, dismembered your Mr Tiggywinkle and dropped this,

he? Yeah.

Right. Out.

Pardon? That's it.

You're finished.

You're out of the gang.

Fine.

Fine, if that's the way you feel about it.

Fine. I'm not bothered. I know I'm innocent. I'll just... Bye.

And you're a silly quarterback.

And Uncle John says, one, two, three, hut, all right.

One, two, three.

He certainly has, sire. Look, it was funny the first time and mildly amusing

17th time, but this is the 264th time I've been sacked and it's wearing a

thin. First and ten, I think, sire. Oh, shut up.

What was that?

Good morning, gentlemen.

Good morning, Your Majesty.

It's time for you to make your peace with your maker, I'm afraid.

You mean it's time for you to make your peace with the maker of this garden

furniture? Have you any idea how much this barbecue set cost?

£27 .49 in B &Q, that was.

Please be quiet, Sheriff.

And I had to stand in the checkout for half an hour because the idiot woman in

front of me got her child's head stuck in the trolley? I said please be quiet.

Sorry? Your Majesty.

The hour has come. Prepare to die.

No! No, please!

I beg you!

Say your prayers, King John.

For what we are about to receive, may the Lord make us truly...

I'm sure he will.

Your Majesty!

Your Majesty!

Your Majesty! Uncle!

In the name of all that's holy, what have you done to him?

Nothing!

Investor! Pretty good joke, eh?

Well done, young man.

Most amusing performance.

Thank you, my lord.

Highly successful plan of yours, one way or another.

Stole his file of facts, roughed up a few yokels. Now the entire population of

Sheward thinks Robin Hood's an absolute swine. The legend of Robin Hood is no

more.

How would you like to pay, cash or visa?

Cash, cash!

Thanks very much.

Well, I'll be on my way. I'm opening the Saxone in Grantham this afternoon.

I don't understand! What does this mean?

Well, it means that in Grantham, there's this bloke from Saxony, and he... Hang

on. Why are you opening a shoe shop?

Here's my card.

If you ever need me, baits, supermarkets, children's parties, give

Ta -ra a bit.

Clem Cosner?

The Robin Hood look -alike, peas -in -a -pod look -alike agency, Balsall Heath

Birmingham. My Lord, you're a genius, an absolute genius.

Well, if Robin Hood's slipping down the popularity charts, I think it's time to

make sure we take over at number one, don't you?

So will he be back tonight?

Nope. Tomorrow?

Nope.

Ah, the weekend?

Boys, please try to understand. Robin has been banished.

What? But one of those bad fairies with a little wand?

No, Rabies, that's vanished.

Robin is out of the gang and not before time.

Still, at least there'll be some space around here from now on.

Oh, look at this. He must be the only... gorilla in the history of our warfare

with a paisley combat jacket and matching handkerchief so will he be back

week no rabies he's never coming back oh look a grown man

with bunny slippers what a wally

well

it seems like only yesterday

That everyone who met me called me Mr.

They'd give me treats like drinks and sweets Then ask if I would like to snog

their sister Then the sky went black

They turned their backs I see that all my past has been a folly

Cos Mr.

ain't my name no more. Yes, Mr's missing.

Now they call me Wally.

Wally! Yes,

call me Wally.

Give it to me, Graham.

Look at that disgusting old tramp.

Didn't he used to be someone years ago?

He hurt so bad.

Yes, sir, but no -one remembers him now.

It's not Chesney Hawks, is it? I don't think so. Chesney Hawks was quite good

-looking. He's the wicked.

I feel so bad.

They'll never mind about him.

Who'd like to stick their hands in the Sheriff of Nottingham's lucky dip?

Oh, me, yes, please.

There's plenty for everyone.

Except you. What's your name?

Just call me Thickhead.

Thickhead.

I'll be so strong.

I'll prove them wrong.

I'll pierce their hearts with love like Mr. Cupid.

But no, then I'm just a joker. Just a broken bloke who's known as Sticky

Sticky Stupid.

Oh, look what I've got.

It's an old -fashioned stickleback.

Oh, shit, if you're a hero.

Sticky Stupid.

Sticky Stupid.

But I don't need a musical instrument.

Loot, Rabies, loot.

Money and jewels and chest loads of fabulous bounty.

Doesn't it just make your mouth water?

No. Coconut makes me throw up. What's the matter with you all?

You love armed robbery. It's your favourite thing.

Not now. I've got a headache.

You men and your excuses.

Straight up.

I'm going down the shops for some aspirin. Well, come on then, little

I can't. I've got to help you carry it back.

And I've got to scratch their noses when they itch because their hands will be

full, won't they? Yeah.

You're going to look for Robin, aren't you? No way.

On my life? Oh, I thought we were.

Don't you dare.

I want you back here by tea time without Robin, all right?

Sure. You can trust us.

Oh, sacked by a shoe shop.

How humiliating. I'm sorry, Mr Costner, no one's interested in Robin Hood

impressions any more. Can't you do something a bit more popular, like Jem

Bagel? It's true.

I want a nice little earner, and I've got about as much chance of making money

as a brass comeback tour.

Stand and deliver.

Aye. Just put down the dosh and walk away, Mr Moneybag.

What's he going to do if I don't, sweetheart?

This.

Swollen glance.

Look, it's not a problem. I'm right as rain now, OK?

He's not here, man.

Oh, I know. It's iron low. Well, fairly iron low.

What about the shops? Have you tried boots?

I've tried stilts, but I still can't see in the really high places.

Hey! Wow, man!

Look what I've got!

Is this a business or what?

I heart the sheriff.

Yep! Made of genuine warthog intestine, and it didn't cost me a penny.

The sheriff paid... Sheriff badges, Sheriff colouring books for the kiddies.

Isn't he a marvellous man?

He's always looked after us poor people. No, he hasn't. He's murdered you and

tortured you and stolen your chickens.

No, I don't think so.

Excuse me.

Anyone to spare the price of a cup of tea?

No. Yeah,

her shop's a bit stupid.

Robin, it's you.

I didn't do it, you know. What?

Those tacky things. I'm innocent. I truly am. We know.

We've just got to find out who did do it. Come on, we'll get you home.

Look, what did I tell you?

I don't remember.

Robin, you're barred from the forest and that's final, right?

Oh, OK.

See you around sometime.

What?

I'm not hanging around if I'm not wanted, am I?

You're remarkably eager all of a sudden.

Wait a minute.

How did you get hold of this?

Oh, um, I nicked it. Um, pinched it off a couple of group four men. It's today's

takings from the slug racing at Pontefract.

Robin, you haven't got the guts to nick the nuts off a one -armed squirrel.

Fair enough. Can I go now? And what about all those horrible things you did?

Aren't you sorry?

Not particularly.

Robin! So I'll be off then. No, wait a minute.

Look, you said go, so I'm going. Hang on a second.

You made your mind up, I'm off. No, you're not. Yes, I am. Not. I am.

Robin!

There, that's better. He looks really ship -shaped now, doesn't he?

Oh, ships are shaped like this, with big white sails and stuff.

You won't let her know I'm back, will you?

Leave it out, Robin. She'd kill us. I just need something to run through my

hair. I've got a couple of centipedes. No, thanks. It's going to have to be the

towels that'll look, I'm afraid.

Anyone seen my moose?

It's in your cupboard, I think. OK. It shan't be a moose.

Say, come on.

Tell me the truth.

How did you get hold of that dosh? I said it was a hold -up. Robin!

You couldn't hold up your hand to go to the lab. Come on, what's happened?

Um, I'm dying for a cup of tea.

Oh, are you indeed?

Well, over here is a pile of shirts large enough to solve the closing needs

small third world country. And somewhere underneath is yesterday's washing up.

Run that lot back in the cupboard and find me a couple of cups and I might,

might, make you a cup of tea.

All right?

Right, let's get out of here.

Moose, moose, moose, where on earth did I put it?

And then I want the whole truth, right?

Ah, let me marry it. What am I going to do? What am I going to do?

This place is like a flipping maze.

And I'll need a spoon to squeeze the tea bag.

Haven't you started yet?

Come on, just chuck it in.

Um, I'm looking for the cups, aren't I? No, you're looking for our belt in the

air. Now get on with it.

It's true, that woman's power mad.

She should have been a metalwork teacher.

Right, let's get out of here.

This way, I think.

Yo, man, got your moose? Excuse me, have you found your moose?

No, but a horse would come in handy. Get me out of here.

Quick, hide in the cupboard.

I can't get it open, I can't get it open.

Come on, where are they?

If you haven't got them, you lazy tyke, I'll lock you in that cupboard.

Oh, here they are.

Time, too.

And before you say anything, I've changed my mind. Have you?

Yes. He can stay for the moment, as long as he puts these shirts in that

cupboard. And where's the spoon?

Thank you, Robin.

You've been playing a very strange game recently, and I'm determined to get to

the... What's up? It's

Robin. I know. You said you'd change your mind.

But he's here.

Yeah?

And here.

Hello. Oh, yeah.

But if you're Robin, you must be... Robin Stubble. Yeah.

Robin Stubble? Well, I was, but it's like I've just been made redundant.

Well, actually, I wouldn't be quite so sure.

Hello, playmates.

Yes, it's me again, your favourite sheriff.

Dry your eyes, little girl.

What's up?

It's my hedgehog, sir.

He's just not been the same since he lost his nose.

Never mind.

If your hedgehog's lost his nostrils and his arms and kneecap too, and

all you've got is a piece of grot you use to clean the loo, don't cry your

little eyes out. Just follow my advice.

And do this selection of amusing things and everything will turn out nice.

Shove your heads up down your knickers. You can feel its little prickles. Stick

an earwig in your armpit and you'll feel how the beggar tickles. Sit in a bowl

of maggots.

It's a wibbly wobbly jelly.

Then swallow an eel and you can feel it wriggling in your belly.

If a soldier chops your nose off or you peel a hard -boiled egg, that's soft and

runny and you feel all funny when the yolk runs down your leg.

If you eat a ferret sandwich and the ferret eats your tongue, then do the

selection of amusing things and everything will soon be fun.

Oh, the hate fogged down your knickers.

We can feel it, little prickle. Stick an earwig in your armpit.

We can feel how the beggar tickled. We're dipping in a bowl of maggot. It's

wibbly wobbly jelly.

Then swallow an eel. And we can feel them wriggling in our belly.

Oh, thank you, chef. I'm really happy now. You're a superhero.

A superhero?

Don't make me laugh.

Super Mario, maybe. You've got the right -sized head and you jump up and down

all the time. But if you want to meet a real superhero, you're going to have to

look elsewhere, I'm afraid. What?

At you, I suppose.

Exactly. Meet Robin Ninja Hood.

At the speed of light, I cover far distances.

See, in a flash, I'm up this hillside.

Then I feed back down again.

And faster than the eye can see.

I've done my shopping.

Look up on the roof, chickweed.

It's me again.

And finally, in a series of brilliantly orchestrated boo.

I

challenge

you to unarmed combat.

No, no, no.

Mercy, I beg you. So, who's the superhero?

You are.

And what are you?

A cheat.

A liar.

I don't really like these people. I just like to buy their affection with cheap

and shoddy promotional devices I stole from McDonald's Squirrel Burger

I'm a snivelling maggot. No, no worse. I'm the blood -sucking flea on the

underbelly of a snivelling maggot.

nibbling maggot. I'm the greasy bits between the teeth of a comb.

I'm a month -old dishcloth. I'm Noel Edmonds' house party.

I'm foul, unspeakably foul.

Then go, oh foul one, and take your fiendish promotional devices with you.

Yeah, but not snivelling maggots and waltzing fleas on them. Oh, no, that's

disgusting. Clear off. Yeah, clear off.

Well done, Robin. You were fabulous.

You too, Clem. Thanks for helping.

Well, as long as Robin's a superhero, my job's safe, innit?

Hey, my mate Timmy was great too, wasn't he? Yes, Timmy was brilliant.

Absolutely brilliant.

Which one was Timmy again?

Number one fan.

Shove a hedgehog down your knickers.

You're a star, you are.

Well, I haven't finished yet, loves. My big scene's coming up now, right?

Wish me luck.

I'm going to see you later, Finn.

Oi, you two, stand to attention.

You're as sloppy as an egg custard in a thunderstorm.

He's just like the real thing.

Have you ever had the feeling so much happened to you before?

No. There can't be much call for Sheriff of Nottingham impersonators, though,

can there, Clem? I know.

That's all he's ever offered.

It's sad, really, because he's a lovely little character actor.

He'd be fab on the Archbishop of Canterbury or Graham Circuit, but no

asks him. So busy.

Nottingham!

Where's my supper?

Here you are, Your Majesty.

Fresh from the kitchen, Your Majesty.

I do hope you like it, Your Majesty.

One bowl of spaghetti bolognese.

And how about some gravy?

Your Majesty.

And perhaps a little mashed potato, Your Majesty.

Hey, look who's coming.

Oi, you two, stand to attention.

You're as floppy as an egg custard in a thunderstorm.

You've read the feelings someone's happened to you before.

Yeah, I have now.

One sherry trifle with dream topping.

with hundreds and thousands and some cheese and

biscuits.

Bon appétit.

Morning.

Wait a minute.

I've seen you somewhere before.

Robin can stay then.

Sure. He's innocent, aren't you?

What? Oh, yeah. Wasn't it my pen?

Great to have you back.

God, this look -alike business is really catching on, isn't it? Yes, we've got

our own agency now.

This is you, Rabies.

Nah, too short.

And this is you, little Ron.

Nah, too tall.

And Nigel Fargett is you, Barrington.

There's something not quite right, but I just can't put my finger on it. They're

rubbish, Flavies.

Totally unconvincing. Hey, wait a minute. This one's fantastic.

Brilliant. I'm seeing double.

So, I get the job as her holiday replacement, do I?

Yeah.

Thanks a bunch.