Original subtitles

Little Ron?

Yeah?

You've had him three blind mice?

Yeah.

You know they ran after the farmer's wife?

Yeah.

Well, how could they see where she was?

Go to sleep!

Sorry.

I expect she had a remarkably heavy tread.

But they couldn't hear her pick up the knife, could they?

No. I don't need that.

And that little boy, Blue.

Go to sleep!

Sorry.

Hi, Maz. We've brought back a few of the guys.

This is Guy Vilkley, this is Guy Foxtrot, and this is Guy Yellowpimple.

we've got a bishop to rob in the morning, and two barons to kidnap, and a

of fairy cakes to bake for the Bassetlaw Townswoman's Guild.

So let's go to bed, please.

But I can't sleep.

No, no, no. Yeah, I've tried counting sheep, but they climb into my bed and

start chewing my pillows.

Maybe we should go and see the wise woman of Worksop. Only a complete and

gaffhead would go to see the wise woman of Worksop.

Great. I'll get started, shall I?

I am mute, windpipe of mistletoe, and belt of

jaguar.

Gladys. Hey, Gladys, man. You got anything for sleeping?

You're not having my bed, young man.

Look what happened when I gave you that cheese sandwich.

I ate it.

Exactly. I don't want my slumberland ending up in your stomach.

No, Gladys, we've got a bad problem.

Ian and the lads were awake all last night.

And you tried sticking your eyelids down with cenotape, popping a pig down your

pyjamas and pretending you're soaring, have you? Yep.

In that case, the only answer is this.

The recipe my daddy gave me.

When I was a young slip of a thing.

Sleepy cake.

Good morning, you foul, loathsome wretched.

Good morning, King John. Today, I'm going to torture you like no prisoners

ever been tortured before.

You always say that, and you always end up... tickling us with that little

feather on a stick.

The castle will ring with the wailing and gnashing of teeth.

Someone else will have to gnash mine. I put him in a mug over there.

And the strongest of you will break down and cry like a baby.

Oh, why do you say these things?

You just destroyed people's faith in the monarchy.

Guards, reduce the old one to a quivering wreck.

Yes, Your Majesty.

And got really stupid ears.

And a stupid nose.

And your old face is stupid like a... Like a... A radish. Yeah!

Like a little stupid radishy radish. With stupid greeny bits grown out the

of its head. And it's the most unpopular radish in the old greengrocers. And all

the other radishes pull faces at it behind its back and have secret

And laugh at all the stupid things it said today.

And you're it.

So ha!

Is that it?

Yep.

Well,

I've seen them be bad, but honestly, they were terrible today.

No flair, no imagination.

This really is going to make Amnesty International's day, isn't it?

Come on, come on.

Oh, that's a breakfast first.

Hang on, has anyone seen my quiver?

It's behind you.

Where? Look, if we're not on the Nottingham bypass soon, everyone will be

before we get there.

Hey, look what I got.

Oh, wow, it's brekkie time, boys. Look, it's got lots of lovely little nibbly

bits in it. It's a scrummy -looking glassy cherry. No, it's a goat's eye,

is scrummy -looking.

What sort of cake is it, Barrington?

Sleepy cake.

Why is it called Sleepy Cake?

Because as soon as you're eating it, you... Oh, come on, Barrington, don't be

stupid. No -one can fall asleep fast.

Oh, great.

The Wide Awake Club.

What do you mean you don't need?

It's a torture chamber for the next night.

It may be a torture chamber to you, but to me it's home.

Yeah, and they've got all this new technology outside, haven't they? The

the stick, the piglet. I couldn't handle it. I'd try it up.

Me too.

Look, you've got to go, otherwise King John will do that thing with the barrel.

What, where he shoves ants down the sheriff's tights and then stuffs them

barrel full of ants eaters? That's horrible.

Well, I'm not going.

Not me.

Get out into the community.

Get out into the community.

Get out into the community.

No. All right, then.

You're all...

No, sure, they'll wake up. It's a side effect I'm worried about.

Oh, sorry, I must have dropped off.

Little Ron, where's your beard?

Where it always is, on my... Oh!

What's the matter?

Oh, you look really nice.

Well, you don't. It's Paul McCartney.

I'm your biggest fan.

I've got all your records, even the really bad ones.

Give us a kiss.

You ought to take a look at yourselves.

Has anyone got a mirror?

Yep. Here, take a look. You appear to have a baby's bottom on your head.

No, I said a mirror, not a picture of some wrinkly old guy. It is a mirror,

Barrington.

Ah!

How did that happen?

I thought it was perfectly obvious. It's your so -called sleepy cake.

Did I say something funny?

Will someone let me in on the joke, please?

You are not going back into that torture chamber, and that is that. All right,

then. I'll just have to put my handcuffs back on, dangle from this nice wall

here, and torture myself.

Order! Oh, no, you won't, sire. Sire, there's three of them in the dining

They're hanging from the curtains, and they say they won't come down till you

guarantee them life imprisonment. I've got a secret.

Go away, guy.

But we don't negotiate with terrorists, do we, sire?

I know my rights.

The Englishman's home is his castle.

No, the king's home is his castle, and your home's some squally little mud

tenement in the lower tropics, till I tell you my secret.

It's at times like this you'd almost welcome a rescue attempt, isn't it,

Sire, there's two more in the cupboard under the stairs. They've got the

thumbscrews and they won't give them back.

Well, tell them.

What did you say, Gary?

Well, just suppose, right, that Robin Hood and his merry men burst in here and

tried to free this lot. Well, you'd be really chuffed, wouldn't you, sir? Well,

paint me pink and call me Simon. I think you might have something. OK, Guy, what

is your secret?

Pardon? You haven't got one, have you?

I have, though.

My secret is...

Gary loves my dipstick, the very tickle of that.

He's right, sir. I do, actually.

Of course you do. She's your mother. What kind of secret's that?

Would you like to hear a real secret?

A real four -star, super unleaded secret that you mustn't tell anybody?

Oh, yes, please.

And you sure there's something here that'll turn them back to normal?

Aye. My old dad wrote it for us years ago when I was a pretty young girl.

47 years of age.

Well, where did he put it? I can't remember.

He's been gone for 30 years and my memory's not what it was.

But you still miss him, though, don't you?

Miss who?

Yeah, I see what you mean. Right, guy, we'll set off back to the castle then.

Someone's outside.

Don't tell anyone your secret, will you? What secret's that, I wonder?

You know, the one about where the key to the castle's hidden.

It's all right. You can't trust me.

Why are we talking in these loud voices?

We're not.

We're talking really softly.

It's just the wind makes them sound loud.

Bye, Guy.

Bye. Bye, Guy. Bye, Guy. Bye.

Well, I never.

Looks like we might get some rubbing done today after all.

Hello, Guy.

I hear you've got a secret.

No, I haven't.

It's not about... the key to the castle by any chance, is it? Yes, but I'm not

telling you because otherwise you'll creep in and rescue the prisoners.

I suppose you know what happens to people who won't tell me their secrets.

No. I set the pixies on them.

Well, I'm not scared of stupid old pixies. I just jump on them and squidge

That's what Robin said until this morning.

Wasn't it, Robin?

What? Sorry, I was miles away.

Do you remember what the pixie did when you wouldn't let me in on that secret?

I haven't got a clue what you're on about, Marion.

Eek! What a whopper!

All right, I'll tell you, I'll tell you.

It's under the big flower pot in the garden shed between the slug pellets and

the barbecue brigade.

But please don't set the pixies on me, please!

Brilliant, Robin. Right.

Let's get the others and head off to the castle.

Don't rush me. I've got the bow caught in my tights. Come on!

Look, I don't want to ladder them. They're brand new.

Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. Shut up, Robin.

It's working, Gary. Well done, sire.

See him go, Graham.

Graham, will you please concentrate?

It's this Reg Van Wonkel bloke, sire.

Excuse me?

You know, sire, Reg Van Wonkel. It's in the paper.

He went to the football and it was the Arsenal and they were playing such

incredibly boring football that he fell fast asleep for 50 years.

And when he woke up, the whole world was completely different.

Like, they had the Premier League and all -seater stadiums and everything.

And the amazing thing was that after all that time, Arsenal were still playing

incredibly boring football.

Reg Van Wonkel, come on!

for this dinky little pot of nail varnish.

Have you gone completely barmy?

You sneer now, but look, I've got this nasty snag in my tights right which

have run into a fiercely major ladder.

But if I dab on a spot of the old nail varno like this... Robin, any minute,

sheriff could burst in and... Well, well, well, Mr Hood.

How nice to see you again.

Marion, you said that without moving your lips.

Then you won't see Walters.

I don't remember it being this far.

I thought we were just along a corridor and down a flashed bit.

Right, here we are.

Welcome home, everyone.

Where? Here, look.

Work's off.

Oh, no!

It's your families.

And all your friends.

Philip's screwdriver, then?

I haven't got your Philip's screwdriver.

Of course you have. I lent it to you in 1176.

You thieving little toad. Don't call me you thieving little toad.

He could mix up something to stop us looking like this, couldn't he? No way.

Why not?

You've ruined my life. You have.

And mine. Yeah.

Taking us out of our torture chamber. Oh, it may not have looked much to you.

It's not like here.

There's no beautiful women.

No fast carts.

No clubs.

And the streets ain't paved with mud.

But it's home.

You're off the wall, man. I know. I want to get back on it again.

Yeah!

Stop!

Stop!

Mr. Rick's got Marion and Robin!

Azzy, blind me.

Look, suppose while we're rescuing them, we get you lot back inside the castle.

Will you mix something up for us then? How do we get back inside the castle?

Don't worry.

I've worked it all out.

Come on, little caterpillar. I want to play with you.

I'm going to suck out all your insidey -whities.

Won't that be fun?

Huh?

Who are you?

Oh, Paul.

Who? Pixie Paul.

How do you do?

Pixie Paul?

Oh, no, you'll do horrid things to my lovely facey, won't you? Like pull off

arms and glue them onto my ears or something?

No. I'm going to give you a cake.

What for?

Because you told me, Marion, your little secret.

It's your present for being a good boy.

A present?

For me?

Down in the shade of a woodland glade I live among the daisies and the clover

And I do a few jobs for the woodland knobs When they want certain people

over The folks won't tell their secrets

I'll make them funny looking.

Their noses get squashed and their ears get botched while my wife stays at home

and does the cooking.

Look out your door and look out your bedroom window.

Here come big people and his little wife Linda.

Here's a cake for you.

But if you're good, as you know you should, I'll give you one of Linda's

It's not up to much with a keyboard touch, but a baking's got what it takes.

Every slice is paradise.

It's a song that'll never end.

So don't be late, take the cake, take the plate, go and give some to your

friends. Back home and look out your door and look out your bedroom window.

And your bathroom too.

Here comes Pixie Paul and his little wife Linda with a cake for you.

I can really take me too.

Yeah, look.

There's lots for you and lots for all your friends at the castle. Would you

a piece?

Oh, yeah, please.

No, no.

Sorry. I mean... Oh, no, thank you.

Bye -bye, then.

Now,

don't be late. Take the cake, take the plate. Go and give some to your friends.

I will.

It's a song what never ends.

Fancy falling for a trick like that. What a bimbo I am. You certainly are.

Thanks for your support, sponge brain.

No, Marion, I mean you're a very brave little deer.

What are you on about?

Well, don't you remember how brave Bimbo was? How he saved all the woodland

creatures in the big fire and grew up to be this really big stag who was like

number one honcho with seriously powerful antlers.

That was Bambi, Robin.

Honestly, I thought my porridge was thick.

Well, you're right, it is.

Oh, well, well.

If it isn't Pinky and Perky the Singing Pig.

I'll just heat up these pokers.

And then we'll have a medley of your greatest hits, shall we?

No problem.

He's completely conked out.

There you go, lads.

Good luck.

Hang on.

I'm not sure about this one. Shall I blow a bit harder?

Just a trifle. Oh, OK.

Fine. Right, let's go.

Farrington!

Thanks.

There's your mixture. And remember, this time, read the instructions.

Excuse me.

Couldn't have a nibble on your gatto, could I?

Oh! Oh!

I can't wait to get my feet off. What are you doing here? I thought we were

rescuing you.

No, we're rescuing you. We like it here. We're going to stay here forever and

ever.

Aren't we, Sheriff?

Wait a minute, darling.

I'm just putting the caterpillars on the Christmas tree. Oh, hello.

You'll be coming round soon. You'd better get out of here.

Okay, but before I go, what size chest are you?

Right. Who's going first?

Me. It's like the whole place is in the nude.

Okay, place two drops on infected area.

And cover with a dressing.

Here, oil and vinegar.

Will that do?

No, it's stupid.

It'll never work. I'm going to be stuck with this horrible pig shit forever and

ever.

Ah! Ah!

What? It works!

It works!

It works!

Sire! Sire! Look what's happened to my...

It's a wizened old hermit.

What have you done to the sheriff?

Take those clothes off immediately.

Oh, I feel better for that.

It's you, sire. How long have you been asleep?

I don't know. Ages.

I should think you have, sire.

I should think you've been asleep for a very long time indeed. Just look at the

length of your hair.

I reckon you've done a red fan wonkle and woken up after 50 years.

Don't be ridiculous. I just stuck a couple of pokers on my thigh. so I could

the business on these two, then I... Hello.

Nice sleep, was it? Is it possible?

Are you Robin Hood?

Too late, Cocker.

And you?

Do my eyes deceive me, or are you the one they call Marion?

I am she.

But you're hideous and ancient and afflicted by an unsightly facial hair

problem.

How long have you been hanging up there?

Must be about 50 years.

I have done a red fat wonkle.

I'm ruined.

Completely ruined.

Why, sire?

Look, I got this out of the library the day I fell asleep.

Not a pimple more, not a pimple less by Geoffrey the Archer. So?

Don't you see? This book is 49 years and 50 weeks overdue. The fines will be

astronomical. And I forgot to cancel the papers.

will be sticking out of my letterbox even now.

It'll cost me millions.

I fell asleep a happy man.

And I've woken up in hell!

Not again!

Looks like Pixie Ball's been up to his chicks again.

Great day's work, lad.

How much do you think the sheriff will give us for this thing?

Fifty gold pieces?

A hundred?

Brilliant. Well, hand it over. If another blue tit lands on this, I'll

Don't forget the instructions.

Sorry,

what? Forget it. If there's any side effects, it's your problem.

I'll tell you what, I'll sleep tonight.

Oh, that's the best news I've heard all day.

Me too.

And me, I'm dog tired.

How about you, Robin?