Original subtitles

Whatever did we do before we had supermarkets?

Ate decent food.

You haven't done so bad. You've already eaten three tins of cat food.

Well, which is good for me beard.

Excuse me, sir. Would you be interested in an extension?

I'm quite torn enough without one, thank you. No, sir. We can offer you a

fabulous selection of home improvements for a remarkably low price. Rose!

What are you doing?

Eh? I've got this new job, haven't I?

for you. Yeah, I'm sales representative for a major house renovation

corporation.

Gosh, for one minute I thought you were one of those creeps who hang around

outside supermarkets trying to sell second -rate conservatories and drafty

double glazing.

Well, at least I'm employed. I'm not a housewife like some people.

What do you mean?

I'm a freedom fighter and you know it. A freedom fighter?

Of course. I'd forgotten.

That's why you have to do the shopping, isn't it? So your men have got the

freedom to fight.

Rose! By the way, those are nasty bags you've got under your eyes, love. Why

don't you put your shopping in them?

Bye.

Nottingham!

Hi. Jekyll, this man tortured.

Where's the bruising?

Where's the flailing?

Come and have a look at him. Certainly, my lord, if I can just... Gary, what are

you doing?

Look, sir, have you seen my daughter?

I thought he was dead.

Cindy doll. My Cindy doll not broke.

I think she is, Guy.

Yes, my lord, I'm sorry about the old torture caper, but all our apparatus is

clapped out, I'm afraid.

The thumbscrew's a bird, the Iron Maiden's got a rusty hole in her bottom,

the cat of Nine Tails is currently eight and a half tails short. You get more

job satisfaction whipping someone with the rear end of a guinea pig. Will you

stop doing that, Gary? I'm sorry, sir, but Mr. Gisborne wants to play pool and

we've run out of water.

I think he means pool with those big, long queues, Gary.

There won't be any big, long queues today, Graham. It's too cold.

Please, Guy, be reasonable.

Junk, junk, junk.

It's like Hong Kong Harbour in here.

Oh, look. It's your inflatable bouncy castle.

Shall I blow it up now?

Yes, yes.

By the way, boys, you've got to do something about that boy. He's driving

mad. But, my lord... Because if you don't, I will insert a high -pressure

into your navel, fill you with air, and give you to him as an inflatable...

County Sheriff of Nottingham.

Understand!

Two cases of iron brew for Barrington, three kilos of strawberry ready bread

Ravis, and five lean cuisines and a packet of chocolate eclairs for Robin.

And would you start clearing away now, please?

Hey, look at this sweet picture of Lord Roddy Stewart at home and that lovely

Swedish girl. Let's hope this marriage lasts. Robin, if you could bear to drag

yourself away from Good Morrow magazine for just a... Second, the low -fat

yoghurts need putting somewhere cool.

How about inside me, men?

And please, take your feet off the table.

Oh, look, you've not even done the washing up yet.

You know what we could do with? An au pair.

Rubbing? You can have a bite of this apple if you want.

No, seriously.

A nice little Malaysian girl or something.

Are you deliberately trying to wind me up? Marion, you see my other sock?

I mean, it'd be helping the third world, you know. It wouldn't rip her off.

She'd just do the washing and cooking and cleaning and dining and washing up

dusting and maybe blow -dry my hair when she'd got a minute. And in return,

you'd give her English lessons. It wouldn't cost us a penny.

There's my hat. Give it back here, you big wuss. No, it's my sock. Get off.

Stop squabbling, you two. Oh, that reminds me. I'm off down to Claycross

Blues Club tonight. Will you pat me in some beads before I go? I mean, I know

this kind of stuff's your hobby. Hobby?

Hobby?

rota, you know. What, to cut the grass?

Nah, too dangerous.

Exactly, little Ron. You've proved my point. You can't even remember what a

is. Well, we've got a new one now. It says, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,

Thursday, Friday, Marion does nothing. And shall I tell you why?

Because you do all the work at the weekend?

No, Rabies.

Because I'm quitting this sexist gang.

I'd rather wash my knickers in hydrochloric acid than be in a gang with

Good morning.

We're not sexist, honestly.

Chicks, huh?

Truth, I'm starving.

You know, this place needs a nice pizza hut.

Oh, I don't think so, sire. Cos if you folded the mozzarella cheese topping to

make the roof, all the olives would roll off, and when it rained, the deep -pan

walls would get all sticky and disgusting.

Graham, a pizza hut is not a...

Could I interest you in doing something really nice around the back of your

house? Good heavens, woman, you're man -mad.

I meant the conservatory, actually.

The conservatory? Sire, Snooker says he knows where there's a spaghetti house.

Brilliant! Come on, men, let's get scoffing.

Right, old man, point us in the right direction.

There you are, sire.

Fifteen years it took me, every bit individually hand -glued.

Not that I want to leave them, Gladys. I'm just fed up of hearing my own voice

going on and on and on and nothing ever changing.

Well, remember what the wise wit of Dwight which used to say. There are more

ways of swallowing a fish than washing it down with water.

Eh? Well, you can cover it in lubricating fluid and let it slide down.

Or you can tie it to a cannonball, swallow the cannonball and let the force

gravity draw it down into your intestines.

Maybe I ought to go and talk to her. You can't. She choked to death for a thing.

She was a great woman.

Leave who?

Who are you leaving then?

Not now, Rose. I'm not in the mood.

It's Robin, isn't it? He's kicked you out, hasn't he?

Bolognese, senor.

Oh, please don't eat it, sir.

I know it's only small, but it's our home.

Look, when I asked for the house wine, I didn't mean I wanted you whinging on

about your property.

Oh, no.

Bango's the extension.

Extension? Has the whole world gone mad?

What on earth do you... Wait a minute.

Wait an itsy -bitsy, teeny -weeny, yellow -poker -dotted minute.

That's the answer, isn't it? We're saved, boys.

We build Guy an extension and then shovel his rubbish in there.

I think I'll just go and have a nice quiet little word with young Rose

Well, well, well.

Maid Marian and no merry men.

Looks like I'm going to kill two birds with one stone.

How do you do that, then?

What? Kill two birds with one stone? Well, first you hire some stone -cutting

equipment and a mask, right?

Then you cut the stone into the shape of a huge boomerang.

Oh. So you deliver an extension with a 25 -year guarantee for 500 gold

pieces. Yep, and you get Maid Marian's head into the bargain.

You're evil, Rose.

You're as evil as Mad Tim Mallet, the psychopathic hammer maniac.

She's your best friend, for heaven's sake.

And my worst enemy.

What in tarnation is that supposed to mean? Well, listen.

About a girl I...

and make sure they're OK, won't you? Of course.

But it's you we should be worrying about.

Come on, how much money have you got?

Er... Half a Portuguese escudo.

Oh, no.

And you owe me £2 .50 for Christy Power's whip round, don't you?

I know.

What sort of whip did you get her, by the way?

A walnut one. You know, with that pretend cream in the middle.

Anyway, you needn't pay me back till tomorrow.

Well, I... Hey!

I tell you what.

Why don't you help me for a few days?

Good commission.

Thanks, Rose, but I couldn't. Come on. That's what friends are for.

No, I couldn't. I truly couldn't.

It's nice of you to offer, but no.

Thanks a lot, but no.

Are you quite sure?

Excuse me.

Would you be interested in some double glazing?

No. A new front porch?

No. How about laying a patio?

I couldn't stand the pain.

Excuse me?

Have you seen the look on a chicken's face when it lays a little egg?

And the patio's about this big.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, it's no good, Rose. Two hours I've been standing here.

I've had about as much success as a Morris dancer at a thrash metal concert.

Oh, let's go home.

Oh, I'd love to. I'm exhausted.

But I haven't leafed with his despots, haven't you yet?

I'll do that.

It'll only take a moment. Will you? Oh, thanks. You are an angel.

Hey, it's no big deal. That's what friends are for.

Help, Rose! Someone's grabbed my arm!

Well, well, well. What a charming special delivery.

Stuck, my dear?

Never mind. We'll soon sort that out.

an angel yet, but you soon will be.

So we get all these flying saucers and blackjacks and stuff and cover them with

really strong glue and dangle them out of a tree on bits of string.

Some rich merchant will come along and say, wow, free penny sweets.

And he'll reach up and grab them and go shooting up in the air. We'll nip out,

empty his pockets and divide up the money.

So where do we get the penny sweets from?

Buy them from a sweet shop.

What with?

Ah, that's the whole point. We haven't any money.

How about this?

Spare me. Take them instead.

No, it's me, man.

I had this idea.

We jump out on someone, right?

Scare the pants off them and then flog the pants.

What do you think?

No, no, no way. Absolutely not. Too scary. Not in my gang.

Whose gang?

Hello, boys.

Problem?

No, no, no problem.

Who said it's your gang?

Yeah, I think Marion will come back.

Oh, sorry, Rabies. She left this morning. She's off to Billericay to

beauty therapist.

Marion, a beauty therapist?

I know.

It's a bit like a Skoda training as a Formula One racing car, isn't it? So

that's it, then? We're skint jobless and we've lost our leader.

Excuse me?

Actually... I've got a bit of a problem myself.

I've got to get this extension built right, and this bloke will pay good

and everything.

But I just can't find a team of strong, intelligent men to help me put it up.

Well, I just had this amazing idea, right?

You need strong, intelligent guys, right?

Well, look around you.

What do you see?

Trees? Us, Rabies. Us.

We will be those guys.

Oh, Robin, you're wonderful.

Does this hurt?

No.

How about this?

No. Ah, stupid thing. I don't know what's wrong with it.

Let me have a look.

It's not the bearings, is it?

Oh, no, mate, for your sake.

You can have a lot of money if it's the bearings.

That's the 1136 model, isn't it, with the chrome secondary spike?

It'll be the bearings, I'm telling you. They're renowned for it.

He should have got the 11 .38.

He shouldn't have got one at all.

They're an offence to the human race.

They certainly are with those bearings.

I've got to get it going. I've got all her lot to do by the end of the week.

You'll have to catch them first.

No need, my dear.

They will come of their own free will.

Don't be ridiculous.

Even Robin's not that daft.

This place is really fab.

It's so, you know, old.

Is it National Trust?

Well, well, well.

Right on time.

Right, here's all the bits and pieces, and over there's where we build it. It's

dead easy, they're all numbered. Come on.

So, what would you call it, Norman?

No, I'd call it a castle, and the name's not Norman, it's Graham.

Robin, come on.

This is funny, isn't it?

What shall we do when we're bored?

I know, let's get a million...

Jigsaw!

whistle in a washing machine, but you'll also have a brand new, highly

unpleasant toy to play with. Gary, will you please stop bouncing about like

Chronic the Hedgehog? I've got an important secret building job for you.

Fancy a cup of tea?

Oh, please. I'm dying of thirst.

That's the general idea.

Milk?

Oh, yes, please.

Sugar? I haven't got any sweetness, have you? Water?

Have we got any sweeteners? Hang on, I'll just pop out and get some.

How can you do that?

We have our ways, my dear.

We have our ways!

Ah,

what a happy little band of workers.

It still happens this time. Who fancies a penguin?

Other penguins do.

Oh, how sweet little slices of ass. Full of little piles of raisins on cute

little plates. That's a really healthy snack.

Not if a plate gets cold in the throat, it isn't.

What was that?

What was what?

That tapping noise.

Um, it was me practicing my tap -down thing.

I've finished now.

Oh, I just love that stuff.

Right, well, I'll just clear away the... ...the

things, and then you can... Right.

Finished, sire. Get on with what you were doing. See you later.

Sorry to put you to all this trouble.

Oh, no trouble.

It's nice to get out and about once in a while, isn't it, weasel? Yeah.

I've brought a picnic.

That's nice.

How about the little chairs?

Of course.

And the collapsible table?

Oh, silly me.

I'll forget my head one of these days.

It shan't be long.

Mission accomplished, sire.

Follow me, please.

It's brand new toy time.

Come on, weasel. We're starving.

Sorry. I forgot my head and had to go back for it. Look, rather than going to

all this trouble for a few sweethearts, why don't we just escape?

Escape? Escape?

What?

Back to a world of mugging and mass unemployment and listening to Steve the

Wheelwright in the afternoon?

Now, thank you.

I'd rather suffer the dreadful agonies of the scrubby twister. But you wouldn't

mind if I went?

No, you shut off.

We'll just eat our sandwiches.

Cockroach inspired as well. Oh, very nice.

And then we'll toddle off back home. Bye.

Bye. Some people knock cases, eh?

That's why my lads...

Builders, my lord.

Oh, they look like a bunch of crooks to me.

That's how you can tell they're builders, my lord.

Now, here we are.

Welcome to the royal playroom.

Now, my lord, if you would just like to cut the ribbon.

I now declare...

it's great.

See, I pull this to reveal one 2 .6 turbo -powered torture machine

complete with full stereo speakers to really bring those cries of agony to

Love, Johnny!

Personalised number plates!

It's wonderful!

Let's give it a spin right away, Uncle!

Yes, but who are we going to spin in it?

That's my second surprise, Your Majesty.

These builders are not...

Quite who they seem.

They are, in fact, Robin Hood and his merry men.

We're more like Robin Hood and his handymen, actually. We've changed our

you see.

Well, I'm going to change it even more.

I'm going to remove all your unsightly underarm hair.

I've been meaning to do that myself, actually. By chopping your arms.

road with you, then I'll climb out.

I shouldn't have vowed with you. I'm not sure it'll take...

Get in rubble. Likewise, I'm afraid.

In that case, bring me your navel.

Beg pardon, my lord? And bring me a high -pressure hose to screw into it.

It's bouncy, sheriff.

Yeah, Marion, you coming or what?

I beg your pardon?

Um, are you coming home?

Please.

Half nice to see you again, Marion.

Rabies. They ripped you off with that beauty therapy.

You look worse now than when you left.

Rabies? No, she doesn't. She looks lovely. And on behalf of everybody, can

just say a big thank you for rescuing us? Right, let's get back down that

tunnel.

I wouldn't do that to you.

Rose!

Oh, heck.

Of course I did.

Serves you right, you bunch of wimpy do -gooders.

So, what shall we do with them, then? Hey, wow.

Hey, have I had another of my amazing ideas or what? Why doesn't Rose come and

be our au pair?

Nice one, Robin.

I'll give you two options, Rose.

Either you do all our au pairing for free and cook Robin soufflés and wash

vests and pants and iron his trousers and wash his hair.

And buff up my loafers.

Or else we chain you up here and let King John do his worst.

Which is it to be?

No contest, is it, Rose?

Too right.

Girls! Girls!

I'd rather be torn to pieces than spend my life buffing a man's loafers. Thank

you. Girls!

Come on, men. Quick.

I'll say one thing for you, Rose. I like your style.

what you're doing.