Original subtitles

Were you sticking in things, sire? Yes, Gary, that is presumably why they're

called... stickers, but what are they actually for?

Oh, nothing, sire. You just collect them. Don't be ridiculous. You'd have to

have the mind of a particularly sick two -year -old to fall for that.

Oh, yes, sir. The king's got loads.

He's already got all 26 members of the Argentinian Pig -Sticking World Cup

squad. And the entire cast of that popular Australian soap night people

huts are next door to each other. He's going to be really chuffed with these

great torturers of scum thought.

Brilliant. Totally mindless. It's not, sire. No, you.

Bobby's a fun sire. I know. I've got loads.

Lying, cheating, poking defensive children with sharp sticks.

But these, you show me someone who collects stickers, and I'll show you.

Boys? Boys!

Not again.

Hi, everyone.

I'm back.

Left, left.

Left. I said I'm back.

Guess where from.

Hang on, we're doing Chronic the Hedgehog.

It's the first time we got to level four, isn't it, Chronic? Yeah, and he

been sat by the crabs once yet.

No, but I have.

Oh! Barrington, notice anything about me?

Yeah, your bum's getting a bit big.

You ought to dye it. What colour?

I mean my hair.

Oh, you're going to dye your hair?

No, look!

Am I a raver or what?

What's the problem? Here we see your knickers again.

No, Robin, it's my new image.

A fashion statement for the 1190s.

Long hair's for little girls, right?

I don't think so, actually.

Not more stickers.

Yep. Put them on the booty pile, would you? Sure thing.

That's it.

Game over, my turn.

Ridiculous game.

Yeah, pathetic.

What's the tea?

Well, I'm glad you asked that.

Now, in order to get to the first level, which is the tea level, you have to

solve this really hard riddle. Oh, Robin! And Barrington and Ron will be

enchanted guardians of the tea tray, OK?

Come on.

It's Dungeons and Dragons. You'll love it. If you want your tea, you have to

the guardians three questions. But one of them always tells the truth and one

always lies. And you don't know which is which. OK? You've got three hours from

now.

OK.

First question.

Barrington, will you pass me that box?

Sure.

Pizza?

You haven't really got the hang of this, have you?

Right, sir, my lord. Then you'll just have to go back to Scunthorpe and get

more, won't you?

I'm bored!

If only we could find another way to get there.

What about an enormous flyover?

No, you'll never find a fly big enough.

I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored!

Something the matter, guy?

I think he's bored, sire. I might as well go and dig a big old belly, man.

There's a shovel in the tool shed!

What did I just say? I think it was... No, before that.

It's some rubbish about digging a hole.

That's it.

Party on, my lord. We'll dig a hole.

We are going to build the world's first cross -forest tunnel.

What are you doing there?

Nothing. You're squeezing your spot, aren't you? No, I haven't got any spot.

Spottiest spot, the spotty puppy.

Look, I've just got one time. You're spottier than a million for the ball

competition. It's true. I could do with a facial.

You're so spotty, we could play join the spots on your face.

Nobody's interested, Guy.

Spotty.

Spotty, potty.

Big, fat, yellow spotty on your nosy rosy. Works up health spots.

Get rid of those unsightly blemishes with our exclusive mud treatment.

Only... Heck, they must think we're made of money.

Nobody takes any notice of me.

They'd be really sad if a big bad robber with horrid breath came and kidnapped

me, wouldn't they?

They'd miss me then and have to pay thousands and thousands of pounds to get

back and it'd serve them right.

Yes, it would, wouldn't it, Guy?

Shall we teach them a little lesson?

People have worked soft.

I bring glad tidings.

Your village has been chosen as the entrance to a wonderful new tunnel.

From now on, you will be able to go on fantastic holidays to exotic,

faraway places.

Or off on shopping sprees to buy disgusting -looking sausages and cheeses

smell like a skunk's armpit.

Well, isn't it?

Not again, scab brain.

They'll have to pay loads of money, won't they? And they'll be really sorry

love me forever and ever. Oh, shut up, Guy.

So what's next? A gag, I think. OK, so it is Teddy in the bath with nothing on.

Shut it.

Now, I won't be long. You be a good boy.

Oh, and don't run off, will you?

I mean, it was a practical decision.

My hair used to get twisted round the flights of the arrow's feet.

Couple more ambushes, I'd be as bald as... There's a coot on this side.

Robin, you're not listening, are you?

I know not this Robin of whom you speak at all. I am the Games Master.

What? What are those sadists who make you run round the playing field ten

because you forgot your P .E. kit?

Not that sort of Games Master. I am the Games Master.

Blimey. This is Aragard the Fair, Prince of Justice.

How do you do, warrior maiden?

This is Bazaroy the Crucial, Happening Dude of the Dark.

Hi. And finally, Grunge Splatter, the All -Seeing, the All -Knowing, the All

-Wise. Who am I again?

We've prepared a test for thee, damsel, that will tax thee to the limits of thy

ingenuity. Here be two sacks. One is full of rocks and is as heavy as lead.

other, full of feathers and is as light as...

Well, there's a feather, actually. Now, without touching the sacks, tell me,

which is which?

Aragard, pick up that sack, will you?

Yep.

Now, hit Robin over the head with it.

That's the one with the rocks in.

See you later.

You have to spoil everything, don't you?

Look at this, sire.

Lord, how did that happen? Well, it's the grounded side of the GCSE maths

written back to front in Japanese.

We'll never dig a tunnel here, sire. We've got to. Think of the money.

The toll charges, the profits from the service stations, the souvenirs.

I've already laid out 150 quid on this lot. Look, tunnel pencils, tunnel pencil

sharpeners, novelty elephants with the words I've done a ton in the Nottingham

tunnel embroidered on their trunks. But it'll take a million years, sire.

Close to come, sire. Oh, it gets later every day, doesn't it? Give it here.

Dear sheriff, I've kidnapped Guy, blah, blah, blah.

A thousand gold pieces or you'll never see him again.

Signed, Made Marian.

Serves him right.

Listen, you know I believe in calling a spade a spade, don't I? Yes, sire.

Well, get digging or I'll pin your ears to that tree.

Push off.

Honestly, that's as exciting as a game of charade with your deaf auntie.

Guy! What are you doing here?

It's a funny game.

Rosie's kidnapping me so she can get lots of money and have a mud pack and

all her little wiggly hairs pulled out.

Is she now?

Yes, and a really funny thing is, is she's pretending it's you who's doing

kidnapping. Well, in that case, I better had, hadn't I?

Move a muscle, Sonny.

Oh, it's you, Marianne. I thought it was a fat schoolboy with a bad haircut.

Don't be so childish, Rose.

Um, it is Rose, isn't it? Only I can't quite tell because of all the

Don't you dare.

Ah! Don't do that!

Now I've got a new dance that you all can do. It's a real cool notion.

We'll be right back.

The double trouble fuck you up, but that's just a part.

It'll never end.

Never end.

When you get tired or a little white, you can teach your friend. Teach your

friend. You jump in the air.

You jump in the air. Then you get in a huddle.

You get right down. You get tied right up. It's called the double trouble.

Yeah, you're jumping in the air. Get in a huddle. Get in a huddle. Get down, get

down, get down.

Do the double trouble.

Do the double trouble.

Do the double trouble. Do the double trouble. Get down, get down, get down.

Do the double trouble.

Serves you right. Serves you right.

How deep did you actually get?

A quarter of an inch, sire.

Right. Well, at that rate, we should be in Scunthorpe by July 1996.

Ah, there won't be tunnels in 1996, sire. They'll have invented these huge

flying horses and carts that'll get you from Scunthorpe to Gatwick in under half

an hour. Don't be ridiculous. Why would people want to go to Gatwick? To watch

the queues on the M25?

Oh, that's it, then. No tunnel. What?

No tunnel. Of course there's going to be a tunnel. I sent out all the

invitations. This afternoon, my sister, Queen Eleanor, is digging the first

ceremonial sod and makes your guy look as if he's having a good time, if his

mother's coming.

I wonder how Guy is.

Oh, stupid.

Irritating. Kidnapped.

Yes, kidnapped.

Quick, we've got three hours to find him. Otherwise, we'll all be looking for

career move.

I wouldn't want to move to Korea. I'd miss my mum.

You'll never do this in a million years. The maze of mystery, a catacomb of

tunnels and tests, and in each room, a fabulous prize.

Didn't know we had any fabulous prizes. Yay, oh, gruntsplatter. See here, the

pizza portion of wisdom.

Oh, it's got something disgusting on it.

Nay, Aragard, this be the slug of immortality.

And lo, here.

The spaghetti hoop of being able to talk lots of foreign languages with a really

good accent.

Here, take these gifts and proceed to your rooms.

I, the Games Master, will guard the door.

What's in there, then?

See, the ultimate prize. The used tissue of invisibility, which will be giveneth

to the valiant Victor by the giver of gift.

Who's going to be that, then?

Problem? We've run out of people, haven't we?

I hope he turns up soon, sire. I don't want to miss the ceremony.

If he doesn't, you'll be missing both arms, both legs and several important

internal organs.

Now, are we all in position?

Yes, okay, Master.

And to give her a gift, give me a teddy, Mr. Master.

I'd recognise that wine anywhere. Come on!

Stop nibbling that...

What do you reckon?

Long hairs for little girls, right?

OK.

Let's play some games. Yeah!

Brilliant! Let's go. Woo!

OK. What sort of game? Physical? Mental?

Kill? Mystery? Have you got table tennis?

Mystery. Right. Who's going in?

Er... They are.

OK. We've got two minutes. Two minutes from the moment I shut the door.

In you go.

Er... Er... There's a beam leading to a slug with a big red...

Look, it's obvious.

You get on the plank and you grab the slug. Well, I don't know why.

Tick -tock, tick -tock.

Would you mind not doing that, please? I hope there's no piranha fish in here,

or octopusies.

Nearly there, sire.

Hurry up.

What? Can't hear you, Sheriff.

Grab the flipping slug. I can't believe I'm saved.

Made it.

Got it. Yeah.

That's quite sweet, really.

Yeah. Wow.

This is a skill game.

Two minutes. In you go.

What is it? Come on, what is it?

Five seconds. Hurry up!

Enough, I'm afraid.

Bazzaroid!

Never mind.

Onward and upward, as dear old mummy always used to say.

from the second I close the door. Hang on.

I'll play this game.

Right. This is what you have to do. No, this is what I have to do. Now you, get

under that plate and hold on to it. Because if I trip over any of these

and end up with half a ton of strawberry jelly on my head, then Robin O 'Hood

will wind up as a Donnocky fam, OK?

Hello, Sheriff.

I am the giver of gifts.

And I am the giver of 60 lashes with the bottom spanking machine.

So put... that rubbish down and let's get out of here quick.

It's not rubbish.

It's the used tissue of invisibility.

No, Guy, it's a snuff rag.

Come on.

That was really sneaky.

That's politicians, man.

What's all this?

Are you mad?

No. We built this fab series of mystic rooms, see? Well, you can just...

You're like little kids.

Come on. You can start in here.

Hang on, Marion. Yeah, be careful.

Hello,

Marion. Has your hair done again?

Stop dawdling. Your mother will be waiting.

a tissue.

It's got a spot of custard on the codpiece.

It's not just a tissue.

Yeah, yeah.

It's the used tissue of invisibility, I know.

That's so typical, that is. We run around, get covered in gunk and

he gets the only tissue.

What's that?

It's my notice.

I'm handing it in.

Gary, that's a bit drastic.

Why don't we send him the... Carpentry instead.

Oh, right.

What, down the 8462 by Letchworth and Nuneaton, you mean? No, no, no, no, no.

Ignore him completely.

Pretend he doesn't exist. He'll really hate that.

Right.

You're on.

Honestly, that boy's about as bright as a two -watt bulb in a power cut.

You get it? That means he's not very bright at all, see?

Hello?

Am I not here?

Have I ceased to exist?

Am I completely invisible?

They can't see me. They can't hear me.

It's flipping works.

Tunnel, tunnel, tunnel.

Out, out, out.

Tunnel, tunnel, tunnel.

Out, out, out. All right, all right, you win. I'll hold an inquiry.

Will you, your majesty?

Yes, I'll ask everyone in workshop if they want a tunnel. And if they say no,

I'll chop their heads off.

Can't say fairer than that.

You carry on, your majesty.

Thank you. I'll hand you over to my sister, the beautiful Queen Eleanor, who

will now lift the first sword. I'm not lifting anything until I've seen my dear

little boy.

Here I am, mummy. I've been having a lovely time.

I'm so excited. My armpits are all pogging. Oh, isn't he sweet?

Yes, as sweet as a skunk curry.

Sorry we're late, pig face.

Only yours.

Stupid son got kidnapped.

It's all right. She can't see me. I'm totally invisible.

See, I have the used tissue of invisibility.

See, he has the used tissue of invisibility.

I can say what I like. Can't I, you jug -eared, half -witted moron, with the

breath of a dead goat and a... Bottom the size of North Yorkshire. Can you?

Yes. Oh, by the way, there isn't going to be any stupid tunnel.

Isn't there?

Nope, because the ground's even thicker than you are, peanut brain.

This is funny, isn't it, Sheriff?

Yep. You see, nobody can see anything and nobody can hear. Not again!