Original subtitles

Right. Income tax.

Oil tax.

Window tax.

Carpet tax.

Stick tax.

Hmm. I think that's about all. What about the vats, Sawyer? Here it is.

Thank you very much.

It's a great life in the inland revenue, isn't it? Good morning.

but we still get...

Farrington, have the hard -boiled eggs cooled down yet?

Nearly. Well, get a move on. We've got 200 starving people who haven't had

anything to eat since last Wednesday.

Can I start loading the sandwiches?

No, I haven't done the flags yet.

What flags?

Well, you know, egg and tomato, cream cheese and cucumber, chicken tikka.

Rabies, this is famine relief, not a birthday party.

So you won't be needing the party hats then? No, little one, just the food,

please. Hi, going to make myself useful?

I think the answer to that has to be a big no, Robin.

Oh, come on, I haven't stopped all morning.

Yes, you sat on the marshmallows, you put your elbow in the trifle, and when I

sent you out for twiglets, you came back with a small oak tree.

Now, go away. We've got 200 hungry mouths to feed. Oh, let me do something.

Oh, all right, start packing the sandwiches.

Sure thing.

Just have a little coffee break and I'll be right with you.

Robin, the whole show would start... Thousands of peasants are skinnier than

anorexic stick insects.

And all you can think about is the fact that you haven't had your eleventies.

How does that make you feel?

Well, my tummy's a bit rumbly.

Me, me, me! That's all you ever think of.

Shall we take the party poppers and table decorators? No, thank you, little

At least he's trying to make people happy.

When was the last time you tried to make someone happy?

Um... Go away.

Go on.

Just go away!

Marion?

I don't think these eggs are hard -boiled, actually.

That place is filthy.

Go and put the shower on Gary. Yes, sir.

Right. This should raise a smile from old hippopotamus' face.

Works are completely bankrupt.

Congratulations.

My pleasure, sire. And by way of thank, I've got a little surprise for you.

Oh, I love surprises. So do I.

What is it?

Well, the job's done. I don't need you any more. So someone is going to get

this. Oh, what is it?

The plaque.

Oh. So, who's going to get it?

Er... Er... Er... Come on, come on, haven't got all day.

Oh, come on, I'll do it.

Dippity -dippity -doo, the cat ran up the flue. He ate a bat and a purple hat.

Dippity -dippity...

Whoops! I think it's you, sire. We'll all miss you terribly.

Don't be stupid, Gary. Change places, please.

Dippity -dippity -doo, the cat ran up the flue. He ate a bat in a purple hat.

Dippity -dippity... Shall I pack your things, sire?

Let's try again, shall we?

So we thought, what can we do to make them happy? And worked all through the

night and brought you these.

Cheese and cucumber.

Chicken tikka.

Oh, no, you've cut the crust off.

How do we know which is which?

Pardon? You should have done little flags.

Ike cream cheese.

I want the crust. They make your hair curl.

Gladys, that's just a folk tale.

Well, those folk there have got them and they make their hair curl.

Didn't you do any peanut butter?

Wouldn't it be nice if just once someone said thank you?

Thank you, Marion.

Not you, rabies.

Dippity -dippity -doo.

The cat ran up the flue.

He ate a bat in a purple hat. Dippity -dippity -doo! Shut up, shut up, shut

shut up, shut up!

That must be the first time anyone's made themselves redundant 87 times in

afternoon, sire.

Shut up!

I'll tell you what, the first person to open their stupid mouth wins. Are you

ready, Gary?

Yes, sire.

Gotcha, gotcha, pack your bags, you're fired.

Nottingham!

What about my back pay, sire?

That's why it's called back pay, Gary, you don't get it back.

Graham, show him the door.

Yes, sire.

Gary?

This is the door.

Oh, no.

And that's the window.

Oh, no.

Is it?

All finished?

Yes, my lord.

Sherwood has been cleaned out with all the efficiency of an army of shaken back

salesmen. Well, by way of thanks, I've got a little surprise for you.

Thank you, my lord.

The job's done. I don't need you anymore. So, you're fired.

But, my lord...

Oh, poor old sheriffy. You won't have any money now, will you? And you'll be

thin as a pin and all skinny and starvy. And you'll be so weenie we won't be

able to see you. And we'll jump up and down on you accidentally on purpose.

And you'll go squish all over the carpet. That will be funny, won't it?

My lord, please, you can't throw me on the scrap heap. I can. I'm not one of

those whinging friends of the earth. I can throw away anything I like if it's

not going to make me any money.

But there must be some riches hidden somewhere in Sherwood. I'll find them, I

promise, only please let me keep my job.

Richie? Yes, my lord. Just give me a week and you'll see.

I'll think about it. It's the recession, you see.

We're all... poor now.

While I'm thinking about it, just nip down to the bank for me, all right?

What a bunch of miseries.

614 cheese straws I made, and not one of them's been touched.

They're burnt. They're not burnt. They're supposed to be brown.

Oh, this one's sort of browny black, really.

Hello? What's that? Sounds like Robin.

It's the last straw.

No, it isn't. We've got another 613.

Robin, what on earth do you think you look like?

Pretty good, huh?

Blimey, Robin the Sherbet.

What's it for?

To make people happy, like you said.

When I woke up this morning, I was feeling in a kind of a trance.

Oh, please.

I hated my jacket, and I couldn't stand the sight of my pet.

Don't start robbing.

When I went down to the city, all the other people looked oh so pretty.

Everybody knows I needed new clothes.

To want to be a robber, but I need some clobber. Now I look so cute, I bought me

a suit I can dance.

Careful, you'll get it dirty.

A white suit. It'll be murder to clean.

A white suit.

By the end of this episode, it'll be filthy.

It cost a lot of loot, but I look so cute in my suit.

When I'm walking around to different places, I see a smile on everyone's

faces. It must be Robin Hood, cause he looks so good in his suit.

White suit, suit is absolute.

White suit, suit, there's no dispute.

Robin's so cute, you gotta salute his suit.

It's a real beaut.

And when he's walking around to different places, we look at his

look at his braces. They look at my shirt and they look at my tie.

He makes us happy. He's a hell of a guy. He makes us feel good.

He's Robin Hood in his suit.

White suit.

White suit.

White suit.

White suit.

Hoo, hoo. And I'm feeling oh so good.

Feeling really, really good.

In my tasty, wasted, double -breasted, get on down now, everybody.

White suit.

Let me get this clear. Your way of making people happy is to buy yourself a

suit. Yeah, and it worked, didn't it? Can I have a sandwich, please?

Certainly, Gladys.

No, it didn't, Robin. People need bread, not silly pop songs. What flavour,

Gladys? Oh, anything will do.

Robin, will you please write your name on it for me?

Sorry, I haven't got a pencil.

You could use this.

Oh, great.

Five tons of emergency relief and it ends up as autographed books.

Pretty shrewd investment, huh? Yeah, brilliant.

How did you raise the cash? They're the slice of your ego.

No, it's that little book you keep locked in the tin box.

What, this?

No, the one with stamps in.

Robin, you didn't.

What's the problem, man?

That's our national savings book. It's all the money we've got.

Be real, Graham.

Go away, Darren.

How are we going to raise this money when we've already taken everything

got? Well, it's always the mud, sire.

What? We could sell holidays in the mud.

What, like Southend, you mean?

No, sire. People could bathe in it to restore their youth. But it's filthy,

Graham. Their youth wouldn't be restored. He'd be dead in five seconds

No, we'll have to search their houses again.

You be careful. I told you, go away.

You haven't got me to protect you now.

They might turn nasty and steal your trunk.

Oh, he could be right, sire. You could wear a disguise.

Shut up!

They'd never suspect you then.

Thank you, Graham.

And where exactly are we going to find a costume -hired apartment in the middle

of Sherwood Forest?

I'm so funny!

I'm so funny! I'm a big, fat pony! Give me a B, give me a U, give me an N, give

me a Y!

I'm so funny! I'm a great, big pony!

I'm so funny!

I'm so funny! Rock and roll! Yeah!

Rock and roll! Yeah!

I'm so funny!

I'm so funny! Who on earth is that?

They're not in your repertory theatre, sire. Good Lord, they're going downhill,

aren't they? They might need to stop their growing. Can I make a suggestion,

sire? No!

It begins with a K.

Does it end in an ostium hire department?

Exactly.

And then these eight huge robbers burst in, stole all the cash, burnt the shop

down, ate my receipt, and the entire staff emigrated to Canada.

So I can't really, can I?

Robin! You're going back to that shop now and you're going to get a refund,

right? I absolutely refuse.

Because if you don't, little Ron is going to tear that suit off with his

and drag you there in your vest and pants.

Ah.

Pretty convincing costume, eh, Graham?

Yes, sire. And remarkably easy to operate, actually.

Yeah, not bad for one gold piece and a 50 quid deposit, eh?

Oi! What are you doing?

Quick, there's someone coming.

Undo your zip.

It's stuck.

Come on. Yes, that's it. Take the money. Come on. Take the money.

Ah, good morning.

Oh, beg your pardon.

And where might you be going, Sheriff?

To the circus.

Are we? Oh, good.

Shut up. I love those funny clowns with the big noses and the exploding

sausages. Don't you? Shut up, Graham.

What? Shut up, Graham elephant.

That your elephant?

Yep. It's realistic, eh?

Go away, Gary.

There's not a man inside. It actually is a real elephant, isn't it, sire?

Gary, if you don't leave me alone, I will shove a pack of butter in your

cut your head off and serve it up as a mini Kiev. Is that clear?

Yes, sire.

Right. Well, we can't hang around here all day. We've got to get off to the

bank. Circus.

The circus. Thank you, Jumbo. Right.

Good morning.

Come on.

Bye -bye, Sheriff.

See you, Graham.

Sire? Put off!

So he's given you the sack then, Gary?

No, he hasn't. Then why didn't you go with him?

I just didn't, that's all.

Go on, he fired you, didn't he? No.

He did.

Well, actually, he didn't, all right?

If I don't want to go off with him, I don't have to. There isn't a rule that

says... Gary has to go off with them, isn't there? There isn't a rule that

that if Gary doesn't go off with them, people can ask him stupid questions

some silly old sack, isn't there? Because if you say there is, I'd like to

it, because it doesn't exist, all right?

He did.

He didn't, he didn't, he didn't.

OK.

I'll bet he did.

Brilliant, Graham, quite brilliant.

No -one suspected a thing.

Who needs Gary, eh?

Come on.

Not getting any overtime, you know.

What was that?

I've been ripped, sire. Oh, come on. Come on.

I'm really stuck, sire. Oh, you're like a small child sometimes.

You'd lose your head if I hadn't sewn a name tape on it. Come on, let me do it.

Oh, now look what you've done.

You've torn it.

Oh, Ick, we'll lose our 50 quid deposit.

No, we won't. You take this trunk to the bank.

Can I find some stupid old woman to sew this up for me? I'll see you back at the

castle in half an hour.

All right, sire.

That's what you want, sire.

So listen, guys, the man's really downright. They need some support, you

what I mean? Yeah, yeah.

Gary? Yeah?

Do you want us to come with you down to the dole office?

He didn't give me the sack!

He didn't!

He didn't! He didn't!

He didn't!

All right, all right. We see something we said.

Because he wouldn't, right?

Because he wouldn't let me down like that, right? And even if he did, Graham

wouldn't let him because he's my best mate, right? So just fuck him in, OK?

Gary, why is your head leaping? Eh?

There's black goo coming out the top of your brains, man.

What?

The glorious moment for which we've waited.

Our children need starve no longer. The great moon harvest has begun!

Why, the magnificent sludge whale has come into us from out of the bowels

of the underground ocean.

And, yea, she has spilted her goodness up from out of the disgusting bits of

earth.

Simpler than that.

Gary struck oil.

And Robin is wearing a very practical, lightweight, and oh -so -elegant two

-piece in weasel wool and polyester.

As you can see, it's still immaculate and spotless after over half a day's

But unfortunately, he's going to have to take it back to the shop because some

people don't appreciate flair and pizzazz on account of their dreary,

bossy little minds.

If only I could lay my hands on some money.

Fat chance.

Hang on.

What's in this trunk?

I've washed these clothes in a powder recommended by 90 % of leading washing

machine manufacturers, and they're still not shining white. That's because

they're covered in oil, Snooper.

What exactly do you mean, oil, Morgan?

Something you're going to fit in, lady.

Fit? Mm -hmm. I've got a teeny -weeny idea.

Gary, do you want your job back?

I haven't lost it. I just didn't want to go with him, that's all. You show me

the rule itself. Gary, do you want your job back?

Yes. And could the sheriff use a bit of extra cash?

Yeah, he's out of work at the end of the week if he doesn't find any.

Brilliant. Then this is what we'll do.

Hey, you!

Tarp my elephant.

Eh? It's a perfectly simple order. Sew up my elephant.

You're not foreign, are you?

Why? What you just said doesn't make sense.

Take another look at your phrasebook.

Do you want to be chopped into a thousand tiny pieces and served up as a

old lady burger?

No. Then get on with it!

Sawyer! Sawyer! Thank goodness I found you. Do I know you? No, I don't. Go away

before I chop your nose off. But I've discovered where it's hidden.

What's hidden?

The fabulous treasure.

What do you mean fabulous?

Well, really groovy -like.

Dead funky, you know, sire.

Oh, and it's worth loads of money, too.

Ha! Ha!

Where is it?

I'm not telling you. Come on, I order you.

I don't have to take orders. I don't work for you anymore. I've got a job

interview with the Archbishop of Suddencoldfield.

No, no, no, wait!

Gary, Gary, I've been thinking, how would you like your job back? How would

like your job back forever and ever?

Can I have a new cloakroom peg with my name on it?

Yes. And a toothbrush and one of those sloppy things to put it in. Yes.

OK. Dumb. Now I order you to tell me where the treasure is.

I got you there, didn't I? You certainly did, sire.

Well? Oh, it's under that bloke's bottom.

Under what bloke's bottom?

There.

Hey, you.

Stand up.

I don't think I should.

I said stand up. Are you sure?

Get up, fat boy.

Great barrel of punch, you stupid great lump.

I'm going to jump up and down on you till your middle -aged bread pops out of

your ears.

But, sire, it's oil.

Yes, sir.

Congratulations. You've just discovered an oil field.

What?

If you can't swim in it, you certainly can't wash your knickers in it.

It's about as useless as a bacon slicer at a vegetarian's barbecue.

It's only good for one thing.

To slice up their veggie burgers, sire. No, you boil it in a large receptacle,

you take it to the torture chamber and you play water polo with the president.

Hello. I've done it.

What, taken me money to the bank?

No, my lord, I've taken the elephant's trunk to the bank. Like the sheriff

I left your money in the forest.

What?

I'm afraid we're right out at the moment, Your Majesty.

Don't forget the vat, sire.

Oh, thank you, Gary.

Oh, good.

Nottingham, I think it's time for water polo.

Don't you?

You're all dried up, then?

Yep. The harvest is over. The great whale has sailed off to join his

and sisters under the desert sands of the United Arab Emirates.

How do you know?

I don't. I just guessed.

Pilly, that oil tastes really good.

Almost as nice as cuppa soup.

Well, what do you think?

I like the new trunk, laddie. Yeah, it looks almost real, doesn't it?

I should hang on to that if I were you.

Oh, no, it's too tight. It shows up my varicose veins.

Snooker's having it, aren't you? Come on, give us a hand, son.

Are you sure the sheriff won't be coming back?

No, he's up at the castle having his oil changed and his points green.

There you are. That's all your money back, I think.

And that's for you, and that's for you.

And how much national savings did we have, Marion?

37 silver pieces.

Right.

Five. There.

Start, Gladys. That's because you're not pulling hard enough, porridge brain.

35, 37.

And there's still enough left for me to buy a nice new pair of flared slacks.

Pretty good day's work, huh?

Yes, Robin.

You must be feeling really thick now, right? I couldn't feel thicker if I'd

you in a snogging competition.

And the really funny thing is, you said I'd get this suit dirty, didn't you? And

I didn't, did I?

Nope.

Thanks,

Gladys. If anyone gives me any puns, I'll save you one.