Original subtitles

She's your mother, Marion. Of course she can come and stay if she wants to.

But she'll do all those horrible things.

Like what, ma 'am?

Like tidying up.

My mother could tidy up for England.

If you put her in a totally dust -free vacuum that hadn't been visited by any

living organism since the creation of the universe, she'd still come out with

two bin bags full of rubbish. What, don't you love her, then? Of course I

when she's in Scarborough.

Anyway, she doesn't know what I do.

Why not? Don't you tell her, then. She wouldn't understand, little Ron. She's

respectable. She's so straight, if you lay on an exercise book, you could use

her to draw the margins. So what does she think you do, then?

She thinks... Come on!

She thinks I'm a dental receptionist.

Well,

if that's what she thinks, that's what you'll have to be, isn't it?

Hurrah for the state of Luxembourg. All Luxembourgers sing.

And let our heroes deep throughout the rest of Europe ring.

A man from Luxembourg once came 37th in the Tour de France.

And in this year's Eurovision Song Contest, we stand quite a good chance.

Hurrah for the state of Luxembourg. Guy, will you please stop moaning? She's

coming today. We haven't even finished rehearsing our national anthem yet.

Who's coming?

The Countess of Luxembourg for the 90th time.

Well, I've never heard of silly old Luxembourg.

Of course you have.

It's the size of one of its boring postage stamps. It's full of cows. And

got a mountain with a minstrel on top who balls the top 40 across the English

Channel all night long.

Oh. And please stop moaning.

But it's my toothy peg. It's really hurting me.

Get him some cloves for his tooth.

What, like a little hatchemy? And a little red pullover and stripy gloves?

Oil of cloves, idiot. It puts the tooth to sleep. You could tell it one of your

funny stories, sir. They always put me to sleep. Right.

Once upon a time, the Countess of Luxembourg arrived and Gary and Graham

ready for her. So they were hung up by their toes from the ceiling, had silver

bells shoved up their noses and were used as highly original Christmas

decorations. The end.

Now get on with it.

We can't, sir.

Why not?

Graham's fallen asleep, sir.

There you go, Barrington.

You're a national health dentist, so you get that one.

Me, man?

And I'm private, so I get the one with the fur collar. Oh, wow, do we look the

business or what?

Drill, please.

One drill, coming up.

Emma, be careful.

Don't want to smash it to pieces.

There you go.

Hey, looks great, doesn't it?

Yeah, but I don't really understand. He's wired a dentist's after -weight, do

you? Excuse me.

Have you seen the dentist?

Oh, I'm frightened I might need a fill -in. Oh, haven't I come to the right

place? Of course you have, madam.

I'm Chief Dentist Robin, and I've got about seven dentisting certificates on

wall, you know.

This is Dentist Barrington, Dentist Little Ron.

And I'm rabies, aren't I? Of course you are, and you're a dentist too, aren't

you? No.

No, how silly of me.

He's a hygienist.

What, with those teeth?

No, his hands.

Morning, dentist.

Hey, it's me, Marion, our dental receptionist.

Mum! Marion, pet.

It's good to see you.

Doesn't she look lovely?

She's got to be really pretty when she's lost her puppy fat.

Now, which of these handsome hunks is your boyfriend, then?

I hate guests.

Why shouldn't I put my feet up on the table?

No reason at all, my lord. I merely suggested that you don't start dusting

athlete's foot until the countess has finished her pudding.

Now,

shall I comb my hair?

Which one, my lord?

What are they doing?

extracting Guy's mouldy tooth, my lord. She's a woman, isn't she?

No, my lord. I know he's got a squeaky voice and sometimes dresses up in a

frock and start -right sandals, but Guy is definitely a boy. Not Guy, this

Luxembourg creature.

Oh, yes, my lord, she's certainly a woman.

But if she's a woman, she'll fancy me, won't she? Is that 100 % certain, my

lord? Of course. I'm a hunky sort of guy, aren't I? Suppose she tries to pick

up. Never fear, my lord, she'll rupture her stomach muscles.

But that does give me an idea, my lord.

How would you feel if when she left, she took Guy with her? Why, have they run

out of village idiots over there?

No,

my lord, as her husband.

How would I feel? How would I feel as though her great weight had been lifted

off my shoulders? As though next door's whiny puppy that had been keeping me

awake for the past... In the last 18 months, I've been miraculously put to

by a vet with a food mixer. What a brilliant idea!

Go fetch her!

Pardon, my lord? She arrives at Grimsby in three hours.

But, my lord, Grimsby is 20 miles away.

Exactly! So you'd better hurry up, hadn't you?

Certainly, your majesty.

Gary, Graham, hurry up, follow me. Yes, sir. You all right, guy?

No, it's still there.

She'd do the sort of funny thing.

She'd stand on the table, recite this little piggy at the top of her voice,

lift up her dress so that everyone could see her podgy little neck.

Mum, who'd like an acorn fritter fresh out of the oven?

Oh, those look lovely, Marion.

Do you know what I've got?

Some homemade chocolate flapjacks.

Yes,

please. Nice one, Mum. So who'd like a fritter?

Sorry, me old love, got to keep room with some of these wicked flapjacks.

Robin, you hate flapjacks. You once told me you'd rather eat the leftovers from

a warthog stag party.

That was before I had a nibble on your mother's. Can I score another flapjack,

man? Hey, leave one for me.

Just a minute, just a minute.

I've got something to say.

Is it this little piggy?

I love the bit where that one goes wee, wee, wee all the way home.

Mum and I are going shopping, aren't we, Mum?

Oh, no, we're having such a good time.

Can I come?

Yeah, we can all go.

On our own. We want to have a little girly chat, don't we, Mum?

Isn't that a bit sexist, sweetheart?

I think it is, actually, Marion.

Don't you just love it when your mum comes?

I love the way you carved up that pig back there, Gary. Yeah.

Roast potatoes were a bit hard, though, weren't they?

I know, I got one full in the face.

People shouldn't throw dangerous objects, should they, just because

over their pet?

You could take someone's eye out. I suppose you could.

What sort of pictures do you mean? Come on, we've got 40 miles to go yet.

Wait a finger -licking minute.

Is that who I think it is?

Yes. And who does that revolting old hag with her?

This is the Arndale Centre.

You have a look round the shop, then I'll go and pay the vegetable man.

Nice, isn't it?

Oh, we've got everything here, Mum.

Sainsbury's, Mothercare.

Boo? No, McDonald's.

Oh, what's that?

Ah, there's the vegetable man.

I won't be long.

Well, well, well.

Marion has a mother, has she? What a nice piece of bait that could prove to

You two, get off to Grimsby.

I've got bigger fish to fry.

You could fry really huge fish in Grimsby, sire. Go!

While the master moves into action.

Excuse me, is this a B &Q?

I don't know, my dear. I'm just window shopping.

Good morrow, gentle mistress.

I fancy your comely face is a stranger to these parts, is it not? Yes.

I just popped down from Scarborough, actually.

Then all Scarborough must be mourning its loss.

I thought I'd see how my daughter was getting on, you know.

Tish, you jest, my pretty one. Thou art too young to have a daughter. Dost thou

not mean a Cindy doll, perhaps?

Get off.

Forty -six.

Forty -six.

It is a miracle.

Such smooth skin, such flaxen hair, such a nice cardigan.

Here, are you trying it on?

Certainly not, my sweet one.

It would not fit me.

But wrapped around your heavenly frame, it is a cardigan of the god.

Are you chatting me up, you little beggar?

From the moment I saw you, I swore you would make me go hardy.

How I wanted to loosen your hair and to take off your cardi.

There's never been a moment like this. Moment like this.

Rather absolutely.

Absolutely. I've been pierced, I've been pierced, I've been pierced, I've been

pierced, I've been pierced through my heart by your eyes.

He's been pierced, he's been pierced, he's been pierced, he's been pierced.

been pierced through my heart by your eyes.

You shot the sheriff and the sheriff doesn't care if he lives, if he lives or

dies.

He's been pierced, he's been pierced, he's been pierced, he's been pierced.

been pierced through my heart by your eyes.

He's sighing and crying to stop him from dying.

Please give me the ultimate prize.

I've got to look into your eyes.

What a lovely song.

Have a chocolate flapjack.

Grimsby, Pearl of the East Coast. How exciting to be amongst the hurly -burly

a thriving English seaport.

I'd rather it was a mouth, though, really.

Rather what was a mouth? The thing I took to the pictures.

Be something to talk to, wouldn't it? And you never know.

That row and everything, I might as well.

They wouldn't let you play football in the pictures.

Are you telling me you've been asked out by a man?

Yes.

Well, I hope you've told him where to get off. Yes, Chesterfield.

I'd rather like to see a coal mine before King John closes them all down.

Mum, that's disgusting.

I know.

He hasn't liked the miners as they trundled into his castle and pipped half

ton of anthracite down his trousers.

You can't go out with someone you've only just met.

Well, it's tarty. No, it isn't.

Arnold's very respectable.

But you're my mother, for goodness sake.

But there's only one thing for it.

I'll have to meet him and see what his intentions are.

Tell me.

He thought you'd say that. He said he'd be over at the chemist's.

He's going to buy me a pair of old Doritos. Bless him.

And in this year's Eurovision Song Contest, we stand quite a good chance.

who, wrath or the fate of Luxembourg or Luxembourgers sing?

And let our heroes' deeds throughout the rest of Europe ring.

A vast in front, Your Majesty!

Graham, it's a vast behind.

I know, but I didn't want to upset her.

Arnold?

Arnold?

Anyone in there called Arnold?

Hello, my dear. Would you like something for your bad throat?

I haven't got a bad throat.

Well, you will have soon.

I am Arnold.

How awful.

What? To die at...

What a stupid name.

Well, it's not as stupid as maid.

What's that short for? Maid in South Korea?

It means innocent young lady, actually.

Exactly. A mummy's girl. How do you think I knew you'd come?

You couldn't bear the thought of your mother going out with a real man, could

you? Ha! What a nauseating child you must have been.

Are there any more little odd jobs you'd like me to do, mummy?

Shall I give half my Kit Kats to the poor people, mummy?

And I bet you were the sort of child who used to stand on the table and recite

this little piggy.

I most certainly was not.

Arnold, what are you doing?

Very often.

Push off, Wrinkly. Fold yourself up and get back in the kitchen drawer with all

the other old bags.

Oh, but you said you wanted to take me out. Take you out? I'd rather take out

the garbage. I used you, darling. I used you so I could capture your daughter.

Why? So I could hang... up in my torture chamber till she's almost as old and

ugly as you are.

Now, you must excuse me, ladies. The Countess of Luxembourg is coming to tea,

and I'd like a quick half -hour's workout on the thumbscrews before she

Come on!

There!

Now, don't say Uncle Johnny never does anything for you.

I've arranged for you to get married this afternoon.

What? To a pretty witty girl, he will.

Yep, so she's not going to want to snog someone who looks like he's just

swallowed a tennis ball, is she? So let's get this little blighter out.

It's all right. I found them.

You haven't been looking after your teeth properly, have you, man?

Well, shall I show you how to brush them?

You take a teeny -weeny dustbin like this and a teeny -weeny brush like that

then you... Boys!

Marion's been kidnapped. What am I going to do?

What you need is a small army of sharpshooting devil -may -care guerrilla

fighters, isn't it? I know, but where am I going to find them?

If life is bad and you want to quit, who are you going to call?

Call the legend.

Has he got a tube?

Have you had your six -month dental check -up?

Uh, ooh.

Well, I think you better have it now, don't you?

If your teeth drop out and your gums do too, who are you going to call?

Call the dentist.

He'll stick them back with super glue.

Who are you going to call?

Call the dentist.

See you again in six months.

She's supposed to be a countess. Yes. She hasn't got a crown.

Don't worry, I'll make her one. Maybe do a bit of bridge work and a few

fillings, too.

Right.

Take it away.

My lords, ladies and gentlemen, Countess Schwarzenegger of Luxembourg.

Morning!

What do you think?

Oh, Lummi, she's as scrummy as the squidgy bits in a jaffa cake.

So you'll marry her?

Oh, yummy with knobs on.

What? I think that's idiot speak, for I will, my lord.

Right.

Countess, this is my nephew, Guy of Gisborne. He's got the brains of a

jellyfish, but he's loaded and he's not married. Do you want him?

Well, to me, your highness, I gladly accept him.

As my fiancée.

Good Lord, these Europeans are thick, aren't they? No wonder we English run

rings round them every time.

What, like in the 1186 World Cup, you mean, sire? Shut up, Gary.

And the 1182 World Cup.

Shut up, Graham.

Well, I'll just toddle off and dust me athlete's foot. Come on, Guy, you can

hold open my toes.

Guess, eh, there are bigger uses of flies on your bread pudding.

A man of few words, but all of them rather disgusting. I do apologise.

Now, is there anything I can do for you?

Kiss me.

I'm sorry? You are some blind fool.

Why do you think I am here?

I have worshipped you from afar all my life.

Your name isn't Beadle, is it? I could swear your face was familiar.

Only in your dreams, Arnold.

I love everything about you. Your nose, your ears, your

cute little beard, like the behind parts of a bunny rabbit.

Marry me, and let us fly to Luxembourg. Well, I'm not sure how... I mean, I

understand the way you feel, of course, obviously, but...

No, King John would never allow it. I shouldn't think your wife would be too

impressed either, sire. Shut up, Gary.

But I would shower you with my love.

No, thank you. And my kisses.

Best not.

And my millions of gold pieces.

No, it's quite out of the... Ah.

What exactly did you have in mind?

Oh, an elopement. Me, Count Arnold of Schwarzenegger. I'm going to make you so

happy. I'm going to tax all your pants.

I'm going to strangle your irritating minstrel. But your king, he will be very

angry, yes?

Certainly.

Extremely angry, yes.

I've written him a very amusing farewell letter.

Tough, cookie, fat bottom, it says. I'm marrying Guy's bird myself.

Go bury your head in a barrel of mouldy fish heads.

Oh, Sherry, if you are so witty.

I know.

And from now on, I'm going to have you in stitches every night.

Here we are.

This way.

My love.

Just lay where you are, Sherry. Who are you?

I'm Robin Hood, and these are my merry dentists. Got him with your life, Mum?

Mum? Yes.

I'm Marion's mum.

The old bag fit only for the kitchen drawer, remember?

But... Don't move a muscle, parrot features.

But... Because if you do, we'll give you the biggest filling you've ever had in

your entire life.

This is it, I suppose.

Oh, how embarrassing to be put to death when you've got your mother staying.

Why couldn't someone save me?

Anyone would do, as long as he was good -looking and a little bit, you know...

sulky, with a couple of days' stubble and a pair of really big... Don't worry.

My Robin of Kensington will save you.

Oh, Blimey, not you.

I'd rather stay up here, thanks.

But you were shouting for help.

No, I wasn't. You were.

I was not, so... Come on. Do you want to be busted or what?

Where'd you be about the National Health Service, eh, guy?

Thank you!

You really thought I'd marry you?

I'd rather have an all -over body rub from a nightmare on Elm Street. You tell

him, sister.

I used you, darling.

I used you so that I could free my daughter.

Thanks, Mum.

You'll never get away with this. When King John...

I'd better be off.

Come on, boys. She said she's got to go. Don't make things difficult for her.

I understand, Mum. You'll be needing a rest, won't you? Life is a bit hectic

here, isn't it?

You call it hectic?

You should see what we get up to in Scarborough.

Oh, it's a real city.

Come on, Mum.

Barbara's as dead as William the Conqueror. No, there's a little gang of

Me, your Uncle Dick, Auntie Betty, and Mrs. Rumbold from number 63. What?

Bingo. Walks on the prom, you old tearaways.

No, love, a gang.

We rob from the young and give to the old.

Mrs. Rumbold's the most wanted woman in Pontefract since the Great Wheelchair

Robbery. What?

Oh, it's much more exciting than dentistry.

You ought to try it sometime.

The trouble with Marion is she's always been a teeny bit straight.

Haven't you, love?

Marion!

Why don't you carry on with the watcher?