Original subtitles

How am I doing? Very good, Your Majesty.

Now, you see that pig unloading up ahead?

Just check your mirror.

Now, give a nice clear hand signal and then pull out, OK?

A little more throttle, do you think?

Just a little.

Oh, that's a bit too much choke, Your Majesty!

We're coming to a hairpin. What shall I do?

Keep quiet about it, my lord. Gary will only want to stop and pick it up. Come

on, faster!

There's a head choke up ahead!

Let's see if we can make it go top!

That's what I want.

Driving lessons.

Which of Worksop's fun -packed thrills do you fancy first?

Hey, Barrington!

Hey, Gladys, my main man, what's going down?

We're talking jive alive, man.

We're talking the grooviest of crucial good times. We're talking... I think

we're talking a foreign language, Gladys. What we want to know is what's

happening in Worksop.

Why, it's the big match, my dears.

The Rumbelows National Mud Throwing Cup. First round.

the second replay.

And after the mud -throwing? Well, then, there's the reserves.

And that's it, is it? That's the entire What's On In workshop?

Yep. Oh, honestly.

This place is so boring.

Yes, it's boring.

It's really boring.

Barrington, would you mind... I'm not bursting into song every time I talk to

you. This is the workshop I rode, not Sesame Street.

I mean, it's a dead hole, isn't it? I've seen more life in a mummified dorm

house. Guess who I bumped into yesterday?

Rose, nobody's interested.

You remember that really creepy girl in our class that no -one likes?

Yeah, it was you. Now push off.

Why can't they think of something exciting to do? Put the place on the map

bit. Build a leaning tower of workshops.

Get some bikes and hold a tour to workshop.

When you're feeling really dead. You don't want to draw a breath.

Then come to Starnley Workshop. You can bore yourself to death.

A whoop -sha, a whoop -sha -ooey. A whoop -sha, a whoop -sha -ooey. Hang on.

Stop miming a minute.

That was brilliant.

Really brilliant.

So why don't we market it?

We could hold a competition.

A song for workshop.

And singers will come from all over. as Sherwood, and I'll be the presenter, and

I won't be on some awful ego trip with loads of make -up and a posh voice and

stuff. I'll be really natural and friendly and go, Luxembourg, n 'est -ce

And everyone will say, oh, she's got a good French accent, hasn't she? I think

they need someone a bit thinner, really. Don't you, love? I'm sorry? Well, when

you smile, your chin does wobble a bit, doesn't it? But don't worry.

Quite honestly, a singing competition's such a dull idea.

It's got about as much chance of catching on as a curry -flavoured Mars

Rose! So, it doesn't matter if you're a bit, well, blubbery, does it?

You can't upset a hardened guerrilla fighter with cheap insults, you know.

I'm not blubbery.

I'll write you one little thing.

What? Do two yellow lines mean?

You need to blow your nose.

Please, Your Majesty, you're taking your driving test in half an hour.

How about this one, Your Majesty?

Ambush ahead.

No.

Beware of short -sighted archers.

Not quite.

Let's try stopping distances, shall we?

How long?

This is my song and I'm a little silly.

Guy, will you please stop putting me off with your mindless, moronic drivel?

It's bad enough to win the Eurovision Song Contest.

Well, good -o with chocolate spread on top, I say.

What? I'm ready for a song contest.

Look, a pretty girlie welly gave me this.

Oh, but someone you know rather well...

A song for workshop, your chance to become workshop's newest superstar.

Presenter, administrator and ticket sales, Miss... She

certainly is an enterprising young woman, isn't she?

Presenter, administrator and ticket sales, Miss Rose.

Good girl.

Miss Rose, that competition was my idea.

Honestly, no wonder you were so unpopular at school.

I was not.

Oh, come on, I was your best friend and I couldn't stand you. And it was my

idea, truly.

I've been planning it for ages. Ask anybody.

Rose! Look, I tell you what, we'll do it together.

How about it? We'll make a fortune.

We were always a brilliant team.

Remember when we tied Mr Micklewright's trousers to the back of the Nantwich

Express? Yeah.

He was halfway to London before he could get them off, wasn't he?

Hey, what about when we dented the bonnet of Mrs Robertson's Rover?

Poor little Doug.

Such a pretty bonnet, too.

Hey, do you remember that business with the piglet? Oh, come on. I do all the

tedious bits like the comparing and looking after the boring stars and

And what about me?

Oh, the tea.

Sweeping up the rubbish. The sort of thing you're really good at.

You'll probably even meet Bobby Cliff, the singing monk.

What do you say?

What do I say?

You selfish, manipulative little toad.

grass me up when Miss Beeching couldn't get the piglet out of her tights. You!

Who made herself form captain when I was suspended?

You! I don't want anything to do with your stupid contest.

Absolutely nothing at all.

Come on, Marion. We could do a duet.

I have no intention of entering the competition.

If Rose has got anything to do with it, it'll stink worse than a skunk's armpit.

Good morning.

Right, pull over, please.

You can borrow mine if you like. Just pull in and shut up.

Good. Now I'd like you to execute a three -point turn, please.

Graham, we need your axe.

have to try again tomorrow, and next time I'm definitely going to pass.

Very positive attitude, my lord. Because if I don't, I'll roll my old plates

into tubes and insert them in your ears, stick twin exhaust pipes up your

tights, and use you as a trail bike.

Understand?

Don't tell me it's a badger trapped in a squeaky door.

No, it's my singing voice.

So what am I going to do?

Marion won't, they hope, and you wouldn't know what to do.

Phony RSPCA.

And I'm not singing on me own. I'd look the right Charlie.

I'll do it. You can't sing, little Ron. Your problems are over.

Eh? Who's the best singer in Sherwood?

Kylie the pig strangler? Oh, come on. What always drives the crowds wild?

Finding out the toilets are locked?

Me. How about it, Barrington? Don't be stupid. I've got a better singing voice

than him. He sounds like a frog with a man in his throat.

Phyllis Stein.

Well? The trouble is, with Rose in charge, we got about as much chance as a

maggot in a microwave.

Hmm.

Right, boys.

How do I get the examiner to pass the king?

You can chop his head off, sire.

Gary, how could he say you've passed if his head was rolling around on the

floor? He could write it on a piece of paper.

Don't be stupid. He wouldn't be able to see where his pencil was.

to bribe him. Now, where can I get my hands on some money?

Ding -a -ling -a -ling, dang -a -lang -a -lang.

Go away, guy.

Oh, poo his knobs on.

There's no point me going in for it.

Nobody likes my song.

Nobody likes Brother Cliff, the singing monk, either, but he always gets to

number one.

Go on, give it a try.

All right, but I bet I don't win.

I bet you do.

Bet I don't. Bet you don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Bet that bet is a big fat

Guy, please, I'm trying to think. Bet you a million pounds.

Guy!

What was that?

Well, a thousand.

You want to bet that you won't win?

Yes.

Gary, get Rose here at once, and Graham...

Go and draw me a large card that says congratulations on passing your driving

test.

Great singing voice, me.

I don't sound like a walter with a blacker decker down his trousers.

They're just stupid and insensitive.

Pardon?

What's the matter?

It's King John.

No, it's a tree.

He wants me to take him out again tomorrow.

What? You mean he fancies you?

No. I'm a driving examiner.

Crikey. You must need a big safety belt. And I'm scared of him.

What? That useless fat cullop. Yeah, but if I don't test him, he'll give me the

chop. No one chops down trees in my forest.

Don't worry. As soon as the singing contest's over, I'll test him myself.

That's very kind of you. Well, I've always wanted to take King John for a

See you later.

So, who exactly are these judges going to be, Rose?

Well, there's our ma 'am, our Sharon, and our Sharon's brother -in -law from

Shanklin. Rose, it's a team of international judges.

Well, Shanklin's on the Isle of Wight.

Look, suppose, just suppose...

You leave it to me to supply the judges.

Sheriff, you wouldn't be trying to fix this contest, would you?

Fix the contest?

I bet nobody's thought of that.

OK. So how about in return for, say, a complete set of free driving lessons for

me... Done.

..we get some bent judges?

All we need is some bent judges.

Then they vote for Guy and, boof, I get the dosh. So where do we find them?

Rose. You may only know me as the satanically attractive Sheriff of

but underneath, I am a master of disguise.

Allow me to introduce Sheikh Abdullah, the Minister of Agriculture and

Fisheries for the People's Republic of South Yemen.

But there's three judges, Sheriff.

Exactly. There's someone else I'd like you to meet.

Count Gary!

I said Austria.

Right. Fetch Gladys and Sluge. Then you know what to do, don't you?

Yes, I am.

An idiot.

And finally, will you please welcome our third judge, His Excellency, Graham the

Sultan of Turkey.

Graham, that is not a turkey. It's a quail. I know.

I'm the Prince of Quails.

If the problem's evolving that you need solving, and there's no way it's going

to be resolving, then we'll be involving and really dissolving your problem.

Sorry, what are we talking about? Action!

Take action!

If you want a fraction of satisfaction, don't wait till you die in a

putrefaction, or tumifaction, or stupefaction, or voted off by a minority

faction. There's more attraction in action!

You haven't got a dictionary, have you? I'm slightly confused.

Action!

Take action!

Negativity's only a fatal distraction.

Inaction's out of interaction.

We need to succeed in this transaction.

No, sorry, I'm completely lost.

Action!

Take action!

What exactly are we supposed to be doing?

Take action!

Dang -a -lang -a -lang.

Dang -a -lang -a -lang. Dang -a -lang -a -lang.

Dang -a -lang -a -lang. This is my song and it's nearly at the end.

Dang -a -lang -a -lang.

giving the judges something to think about, hasn't it?

And next this evening, please welcome a charming bunch of amateurs. Give them a

big hand. They need all the support they can get.

Ladies and gentlemen, Sherwood's own Mary Metz. Hey, Robin, quick, it's up.

I've got a mission.

No, you're not. It's just a day's flight. Come on. I really am.

Let's go.

Where's the bucket? Come back! No!

Come back!

Well, sadly, and I do mean this most sincerely, because we were all rooting

them, it looks as though we're going to have to disqualify the merry men and

keep the rent.

I'm going to do it.

Barrington, there are times when all of us have to do it.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a little number we wrote so we could tell you

exactly how we feel.

We kind of like it and we hope you do too.

Want to take all God's worms on all his ass.

Shove them up a bed.

Yes, you do.

Down a pan.

You want to go down to the shop and buy some eyebrow tweezers.

And you know that bit of skin between a nostril.

You want to squeeze.

Christmassy and sometimes

was it supposed to be again, Marion?

Goodness! How should I know, sir?

Which one did you like best?

Oh, that's easy.

Is this it?

No, you haven't eaten my highway code, have you?

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

There's that bloke who knit Graham's clothes and he's still wearing them.

that is a meadow pippet. We've already chased three partridges, a spoonbill and

a great crested grebe. How many times do I have to tell you Graham's attacker

would have been this big with two legs and he'd have never flown in his life?

And I'll stretch you me.

Nottingham!

Sire? What on earth are you doing?

Um, jogging, my lord.

Are you? Then where's your walkman?

Here I am, sire. Well, you can stop...

him, okay?

No. I order you.

No.

One moment, please.

You can't do it.

That's all right. Just give him the money. We haven't got any money. We were

only going to win the bet if we were the judges.

With these other judges, Guy's got about as much chance as a hippopotamus in the

Grand National.

Look, look, I won. I won.

The judges said it was a pleasure to hear some intelligent lyrics for a

It looks like I was wrong.

This is mine, I think. Off you go.

It won't be a minute, Your Majesty.

Oi, mighty mouse.

Is there nothing I can say to make you change your mind?

No. Not even have this bag of silver?

Pretty successful contest, I think, even if you lot did fail to turn up. Sorry,

we were mugged by an ostrich. Yeah, nasty rat.

Oh, come on, Graham.

It probably comes from a broken nest and it probably hasn't got a job and it

probably only turned to a life of crime so it could feed its little chicks.

So other ostriches are in the same boat and they face up to their problems. They

don't bury their heads in the sand.

I think you'll find they do, actually, Graham.

That's it. I've done it.

Congratulations, Your Majesty. You've passed your driving test.

Oh, good!

Aren't I clever?

Time for my driving lessons, I think, Sherry.

Driving lessons? I never said anything about driving lessons. You did.

You're part of the deal. All right, all right. Stop squabbling, you two. Of

course you can have driving lessons, Rose.

Thank you, Your Majesty.

And you too, Nottingham. But, my lord, I... Look what I've got round here.

My brand -new GT 4x4 Cosworth. Now get between the

shafts.

You two didn't win.

That's all right.

Are we marrying?

Goodness me, no.

If Rabie thought some rubbishy singer with about as much talent as the entire

cast of Home and Away was better than me, that's fine.

Absolutely. Yeah.

Pity about my tummy bug. Still, always next year. Know what I mean?

Robin. Uh -huh?

What's the difference between you and a total jerk?

Um, I don't know.

Neither do I.

Is there anything I can say to cheer you up?

Nope. Is there a difference?

Not even have this bag of silver?

Yeah, that helps a bit, little one.

But I tell you what would make me really smile.