Original subtitles

So, at last, Maid Marian, I have you at my mercy.

Guards, take her to the torture chamber.

That's ever so good, Barrington.

Do it again.

OK.

So, at last, Maid Marian, I have you at my mercy.

Guards, take her to the torture chamber.

Did you hear that? The king's voice sort of leaked out of Barrington's face.

It's really spooky.

How's he do it? Maybe he swallowed the king by mistake.

No, they're stupid.

He'd have noticed it. The crown would have got stuck in his teeth.

Rabies, it's not really the king.

It's just an impression.

What? You know, like pathetic comedians do when they can't think of any jokes.

Now, come on. We've got a hold -up to do. Well, don't try to hold me up, young

woman. Oh, no.

There's sheriffs in there, too.

Don't swallow anybody else. You'll split open and they'll all come rushing at

you, Tommy, and clobber us.

That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard in my entire life.

Is it?

Yes, it is. Why are you giving Gary a rubber bone and an old slipper? He's not

dog. No, he's not, Si, but Herman is.

Herman! Herman, that... Stupid little thing. I thought I told you to put him

sleep. Yes, sire. And a very nice suggestion it was. But he's woken up

and he's full of beans.

Aren't you, Herman?

Yes, I am, master. Thank you very much for asking.

And thank you, Graham, for the nice presents.

Lick, lick, lick, lick.

Look, sir, he's giving me a licking.

Not nearly as much of a licking as you'll get from me if you don't hand

that stupid dog and those stupid presents.

Stupid presents?

Who's giving out stupid presents? I know, it's one of those pretend sweeties

get from the joke shop, isn't it? And you say to your friend, would you like a

sweetie weenie? And they say, yum, yum, not hot.

And they suck on one and it makes them do a really pongy smell.

And you say, pearly, who's that? that really pongy smell.

And they say, oh, lovely, it's me.

And you say, you smell, you smell, you smell like a big fat bell. It's never so

funny. A public school education's a wonderful thing, isn't it? Why haven't I

got one?

A pongy smell? You have, Your Majesty.

No, a present.

Why hasn't anyone brought me a present?

Because it's not your birthday, Your Majesty.

I know that sausage brain, but if you like someone, you buy them a surprise

present.

Yes, like a packet of jelly babies they can bite their little heads off. He's

right, you know. Shut up, Graham.

Come here. I'm going to give you a big kiss.

Are you, Your Majesty? Yes, for giving me the surprise present you're about to

give me because you like me so much. Um... Because you know what happens to

people who don't like me so much, don't you? I nail them up by their nostrils,

set fire to their underpants and spin them round and round like a very large

Catherine wheel.

Under...

titles. Sorry, my lord.

Maid Marian, Anna Merryman, your majesty.

My Tony Robinson, your majesty.

The big... Back to front, idiot.

The big... Give it to me, moron.

The big baby, your majesty.

It's Princess Isabel's birthday today. Robin, just put down that stupid

and learn your lines.

She's having a little tea party with Lady Harriet Fitzwalter and little

Harry. Who on earth is Princess Isabel?

You know?

Come on, you must.

She's the daughter of the third son of Princess Brian of Kent's father -in

No, I don't know, and I don't care.

Well, I just love the royal family.

Robin, there are a bunch of millionaire halfwits who spend our money and moan

about our... architecture.

A Prince Stephen's president of the Dagenham Forest Wildlife Fund. There is

wildlife in Dagenham Forest. Prince Stephen's shot it all.

They're coming!

OK, this is it.

Robin, can you remember your lines? What do you think?

Well, I've seen some big ones in my time, but this is a whopper. Do you

he'll like it? He'd better. It cost me an arm and a leg.

Oh.

Where were they then, exactly?

What? Well, did you have a special little sleeve sewn under your armpit and

third trouser hole?

What are you talking about?

For the arm and the leg. I never saw them. Gary, it's a figure of speech.

Of course. He didn't use his own arm and a leg. That would be silly.

Thank you, Graham.

You used someone else's, didn't you, Si? Tell me, did you saw them off specially

or do you carry a spare pair for emergencies?

Graham! Hi.

I'm the great Robin Hood and I'm totally alone and unarmed and I challenge you

to...

Oh.

Sorry.

I tried.

Oh, what was it again?

A duel.

Oh, yes.

A duel.

Oh, and I'm totally alone and unarmed.

Go!

What are we waiting for?

There's no soil anywhere.

Dick, they're in. Look.

Bah! The coming devil. Come on.

Ah! The present's gone.

What are we going to do?

We can't tell old fatso Robin Hood's nicked it. He'll have our guts for

our bronchial tubes for braces, and our stomach linings for waterproof

overshoes. Search everywhere.

Look under every stone and inside every badger. Come on.

Humility is really important, right? But was I truly brilliant, or what?

I mean, they had no idea where I was. I was Mr Invisible, Marion.

One minute I was there, and the next... Yes,

I see what you mean.

Where is it, then?

Where is what, Your Majesty?

My surprise present!

We haven't got it, sir. It got taken by... Shut up, Graham.

It got taken by...

Your Majesty, and then, of course, they couldn't unload it because it's a public

holiday. Sorry.

What public holiday?

Pardon? It's bloopy, Your Majesty.

What? Bloopy. You know, bloopy.

Yeah, bloopy.

The day everyone says, happy bloopy.

Yeah, happy bloopy.

Happy bloopy, Your Majesty.

Are you mad?

their bloopy trees don't they gary and and young children wake up really early

and they run downstairs and they open their bloopy presents by the light of a

blazing bloopy log oh yes and then they get people who used to be famous to

switch on the bloopy light yes yes and people stuff themselves with bloopy cake

and bloopy pudding and they feel violently sick for days get you

I don't think I did, though.

Where's my present? You'll have to ask Father Bloopy, Uncle.

Stop talking twaddle.

I want my present.

Wait a minute.

Wait a darn tooting minute.

I have an idea.

So tasty you could coat it in sugar, stick a raspberry on top and serve it up

MasterChef. Your Majesty, how would you like... I'd like to be

Father Bloopy.

And his other brother's Lord Nigel. And he's the one who sacrificed a promising

career in the Marines because he thought he'd get much more excitement as a

chorus boy. So he went into this Western musical called Gerbils.

Robin, help unwrap this thing and stop whispering on about the boring royal

family. Sorry.

But what I'd really like to do, and I know this sounds daft, is to meet one of

them in the flesh. Wouldn't you? Honestly, I'd...

Your Majesty, this is wonderful. The most moving moment of my life. Don't be

daft, Robin. It's not alive.

What is it, guys?

Well, I think it's a sweetie.

I think it's horrible.

Look at that face.

No, he means a sweetie from the sweetie shop.

Yep, just as I thought. It's a jelly baby.

A life -size jelly baby.

Robin.

on to the village, get 200 paper bags and a pair of scissors.

We're going to give the people of Workshop a feast to remember.

Morning, snooker. One mud sandwich, please.

Certainly, madam. Would that be the curried mud or the mud in barbecue

You haven't got any crunchy cockroach, have you? Merry bloopy. Merry bloopy,

everyone. Good morning.

Half a dozen bloopy cards, please.

Eh? And have the Bloopy stamps come in yet? Only half a shopping day to Bloopy,

you know.

This isn't that thing where some slimy bloke asks you if you're going for a

giggle, is it? The Bloopy -ologies seem to get longer every year, don't they?

Yeah. And have you heard Brother Cliff's Bloopy thing? Honestly, it's even worse

than last year's. I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, come on. You'll be telling us next you've never heard of Father Bloopy.

Well, I haven't.

Never heard of Father Bloopy.

Well, I'll tell you.

It's droopy and the kids are in their bed.

With anticipation buzzing round their head. They've written out their bloopy

list, hung out the bloopy stocking. Soon the man they love to love will get them

all rocking. For the bloopy.

For the bloopy.

Draw your eyes, don't look the droopy.

Everybody wants to be his groupie. Doop -a -doop -a -doopie.

Father Bloopy.

Where's he from?

We look far away.

Big nose land with a hundred big nose boys.

Who hammer away with their noses all day.

And make all the bloopy toys.

In his labor, he has got sixteen hippopotamuses.

And he harnesses them to a silver sleigh, cause he doesn't like using

buses.

For the blue thing.

For the blue thing.

Let's be gay, let's make some whoopee.

Everybody wants to be his groupie.

What's he do?

He climbs right down your chimney stack.

But if you haven't got one, you're caught out of a

radiator valve.

Unless it's a very hot one.

Then his sick toes will come.

And smash down your door. And if you've been good, he will thrill you.

But girls and boys need gifts, presents and toys.

But if you've been bad, he will kill you.

Father Bloopy.

Father Bloopy.

Nice as pie.

Thank you to Snoopy.

Everybody wants to be a Doopie.

Super Dooper Doopie. Father Doopie.

Big as a mountain.

Round as Doopie. Super Dooper Doopie. Father Doopie.

Thank you, Sheriff. That was wonderful.

But was it really true?

Yes, you delightful old hag.

He's in Nottingham Castle right now in Father Bloopy's grotto.

Who'd like to see him?

Oh, me!

Me! Oh, yes, please.

Come on, then!

No! Wait a minute.

You all want to give him something nice, don't you?

Yes! Well, go and find him something really, really special.

And don't forget, the bigger your present for him... the more he'll give

Now, come on!

Wait till I tell Mariam. She'll be as excited as a policeman with two

truncheons.

Anyone fancy a finger?

No, thanks. I'll just put one out.

I'll have it.

Little Ron, you've already had a thumb, three toes and a large slice of

something I'd rather not mention.

Happy bloopy, everybody!

Pardon? It's Bloopy Eve and the kids are in their beds.

Are they? Yeah, it's Bloopy time.

Let's all sit down and have our Bloopy dinner and listen to the king's Bloopy

message to his loyal subjects.

Robin, have you been at the Sherry Trifle again?

Oh, it's Bloopy, honestly.

Father Bloopy's in his grotto at Nottingham Castle right now.

What are you talking about?

The sheriff's taking the whole of Worktop there and they've all got big

for Father Bloopy.

Presents? I smell a rat and I think it's called your Royal Highness.

Oh, you're so cynical sometimes.

Loosen up. Let's party.

Robin, it's a trick, don't you see? Just another way of getting money out of

poor people by pretending they'll get something back.

What, like premium bonds?

Exactly. There's only one thing for it. We'll have to go there and rescue them.

How? The castle gate is shut tighter than a miser's bum bag.

I'll just knock on the door and say, come in, idiots.

Ha, ha, ha.

Does that mean I won't see Father Bloopy?

Be real, Graham.

It's just a silly hat, a big cloak, and King John sitting on his stupid throne.

No, sire, that's the coronation.

For the last time, there's no such person as Father Bloopy. No such person?

Oh, no, you've spoiled my entire bloopy.

And when you're finished, go and recharge your batteries. Your brain

flat again.

Guess who I am, uncle?

A stupid idiot with a vegetable on his face. No!

Billy, I'm Kevin, the little big -nosed boy who cleans your brothel.

It's not bad, is it? It'll fool all those half -wit villagers anyway.

They'll never guess it's really my torture chamber, will they?

Well, I think maybe you should have taken down the prisoners.

No! They're part of the bloopy spirit, aren't you?

Yes, Your Majesty.

Happy bloopy, Your Majesty.

Well, yes, otherwise they may shoot out and hit somebody.

Thank heavens for that. Come on.

Yo, ho, ho, I'm Father Bloopy. Come over here and sit on me knee.

No, I don't want to. Come on, there's nothing to be frightened of. Except a

perforated liver if you don't.

I'm frightened.

Right, now what do I want for Bloopy?

I don't know.

I want your big potato. Put it in me sack.

Wait a minute.

You're not Father Bloopy.

are you?

I've seen that face before somewhere, haven't I? Doesn't he recognise King

the Idiot? That's him. King John the Idiot. The bloke on the stamps.

You're not having my spud. Oh, yes I am.

Because if I don't, I'll hang you from the wall, tie ten tonne weights to your

feet and stretch you till you're so long that people of Melbourne, Australia

will say, blimey mate, look at that mute pair of legs that just come through

from England.

I'm just a...

Not when you're talking that silly voice.

Let me in. It's me, King John.

All right, Your Majesty.

Hang on.

How do I know you're not one of them impressionists?

Open the hatch and have a look, idiot.

No, wait a minute. You are concerned with the future of the Amazonian

rainforest, aren't you, man?

Oh, yes, I'm very green.

Well, so am I. Look.

So you are, Your Majesty.

Come on in.

Say... A whale, eh?

What? Oh, yes. We don't want any more species going extinct, do we? Except

Oh, which one's that?

You!

Say anything.

Who goes there, Marion?

Gary, I bet you if little Ron hit you over the head with his club, you'd burst

into tears and say, boo -hoo, I want my mummy.

Bet I wouldn't. How much?

Fivep.

Everything will be okay in the end.

It's a simple situation when you got pain

you French students.

When your hat has fallen off cause you've been using it to break down a

What you gonna do? You tell us, boy.

Don't cry for ages and ages.

Hats can be replaced in the yellow pages.

Don't worry about the pain cause one day there's gonna be more.

Life's a masochistic party.

Maybe, I think, sire.

Oh, yes.

It's almost as heavy as the king.

Still, at least you'll take it better than that rampant tub of high

cooking fat.

Do you fancy a bit?

I think I'll have a go at the nose.

Well, actually, sire... In truth, it's tough.

I just have to get my fingers up its nostrils and just give it a good yank

and... Ah!

Ah! It bit me! You think that was a bite?

Oh, Your Majesty, I'm terribly sorry. I thought you were a big, fat baby.

What? A jelly baby. I bought one that looks just like you, all big and fat and

green and... It was a present.

Happy bloopy.

And where is it?

It's... I think that Robin Hoodie person took it.

Nottingham, give me my spare set of teeth.

By the time I finish with you, you'll look like a dog slipper.

That'll be nice, sir.

Herman can play with you then, can't he?

all those happy, smiling faces.

Right, come on, let's get packed up.

Robin!

Robin, come on, give us a hand.

Oh, sure thing.

You know, this stuff is good, really good. Mind you, I guess I was bound to

it, wasn't I? What do you mean?

Well, I just love royalty, don't I?

Watch us.

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