Original subtitles

Well, you know the kind of person in the class of school who would copy your

homework and break every rule. I would never get told off or get in detention

while you got into trouble because she happened to mention that you hadn't done

the essay that was meant to be given in by Thursday on Geography. That's rotten

gold.

Rotten gold.

Now Rose is filled with love and affection for Robin Hood, and she's got

collection of all the little things that he likes to wear, like a flight from

his arrow and a lock of his hair. She's a number one beauty, but as you will see

later, she's a number one liar and a number one traitor. That Rose.

That Rose.

Cause Rose and the Sheriff.

It

was

Rose.

She's bad.

Hello.

Bye -bye.

Bye -bye.

Bye -bye.

Gary, what are you doing?

Oh, I'm saying bye -bye to the germs, sir. They're going in the bin, out the

gates and onto the rubbish tip, where they can have lots of fun making new

friends in a totally different environment.

So it's more of a club 18 to 30 holiday than a rubbish heap, really? Yes, sir.

Wrong!

It's a funeral parlour.

Gary, sometimes you're as stupidly sentimental as an Australian soap opera.

get this courtyard cleared up before we all die of bubonic play.

And Graham?

Sir? When you've carted that lot out, get rid of this old tin of paint. By

twelve o 'clock, I want this place as clean and spotless as a skin care

advertisement. Otherwise, I'll chop you into a rather easy two -piece jigsaw.

Look at that pineapple chalk, little... Sausages, sandwich spread and cheese and

onion crisp.

I want this execution party to be the biggest social event since the

Chesterfield Women's Institute Acid House Party. So there's got to be plenty

nice grub, right?

Well, not too much. Robin Hood and Maid Marian won't be eating much, will they?

No, at least not after the reds have been chopped off.

Bye! Bye!

It's chopped off.

Will you? Oh.

How embarrassing. I've gone all goose pimply.

I'm going to have to say it with my eyes shut.

Will you let me take you to the execution party?

What? Well, you see, Rose has organised this execution party and I thought...

Execution? When?

Twelve o 'clock sharp, Uncle said.

Who's going to be executed?

Well, I know one of them's Robin Hood because there's been this brilliant

And he'll be in the torture chamber by now and all because of this piece of

cheese. Cheese? Well, not real cheese.

You. Me?

Oh, no, how embarrassing.

I shouldn't have said anything. I've spoiled the surprise now.

Oh, it's all right.

I'd already guessed. I'm for the chop too, right?

Well, yes. You can come to the party for a little bit, can't you? Just for the

first half. Oh, please, it'll be ever so much fun.

Guys! Guys!

Can you come here, please?

Uncle's got a little gun for you!

Oh, bother, bother, bother boots.

Just when we were getting so chummy too.

Bye.

Aren't you forgetting something?

Oh, yes, sorry.

Thank you for a lovely time.

I was referring to the heavy metal doglings.

Whoops, I've got a... Hi!

Come on!

I've got a form for you, Jesse Lee.

Coming, Uncle.

Look, would you mind doing the other bit?

No, not at all.

Oh, and I've just remembered.

Don't forget to lock yourself back in your cell.

I won't.

I am a soppy date, aren't I?

Certainly are, guys.

Certainly are.

And there's no time to lose. They're trapped in the castle and they're going

get their heads chopped off at any minute.

Oh, dear.

So, what's the plan?

What plan?

Well, when one of you is trapped in the castle, how do the rest of you get

inside? We ask Marion.

She's trapped in the castle.

Well, that's what we'll do, then. We'll get inside the castle and ask her.

Ask her what?

How to get inside the castle.

No, that won't work, will it?

No, it's a load of rubbish.

Wait a minute. If we get her out the castle to ask her how we get inside the

rescuer, she won't be there, will she?

We'll have to put her back inside to get her out again.

Look, I've got an idea which just might work.

Will you give it a try?

Yeah. Well, let's go then.

Come on, Susan.

Hurry. Hold on.

Hold on, Susan.

Not so fast.

You may talk rubbish, Rabies, but it was the rubbish that gave me this idea.

Oh, thanks.

Now, this is what I think we should do.

Robin?

Robin? Where are you? That's my business, I think.

It's me, Marion.

What do you want?

Got bored canoodling with our deadly enemies, have you?

Snogged so many Normans you've run out of lip seal.

I'd rather stay in here, thank you, Miss Traitor.

Don't be silly.

Don't touch that door!

Guards! Guards! Help! There's a woman trying to set me free!

Robin, do you actually want your head chopped off?

Yes, if it means I don't have to look at your double -crossing face again, I

certainly do.

Quick! Quick!

She's got a key in the door!

Robin, you can either trust me or act like a complete idiot. Now, which is it

be?

he does, my little vixen.

Would you care to join him?

There. That's that done.

Oh, no. There's always that sloppy bit left in the bottom, isn't there?

This party will be sensational.

It'll be the biggest thing to hit Nottingham since the invention of the

cannonball. I don't know what all the fuss is about. It's only a few

on sticks and a couple of heads on coals.

Gary!

all in a day's community policing to you. But for me, it's the start of a

-successful career. What? In catering? Oh, no.

I'm going to announce to the assembled crowds the launch of my Robin Hood

Museum. The Robin Hood Experience, I'll call it. And people will go zooming

round in imitation Sherwood Forest, full of working models of deer and owls and

rabies picking his nose. And in a year's time, there'll be Robin Hood

Experiences all over the country.

And then a world tour sponsored by a major soft drink company.

Hang on.

All drinks are soft. You wouldn't be able to drink them otherwise.

Unless they're in tins, of course. Like the ones your brother Kevin throws at

the cat.

Oh, didn't I tell you?

Kevin's left home.

Oh, that's heavenly.

No, it isn't. We were glad to see the bathroom.

And what about local press, my lord? You'll be wanting pictures, won't you?

My dear girl, it's an execution, not a flower show.

I know, but you've got to have some souvenirs. It's a special day after all.

Uncle, is there an Ellen guy?

You're 27.

If you don't know how to spell your name, look at your name tape.

But it's round the back of my neck.

I've got this cousin, you see, who does wedding pictures. He'd do a lovely

execution, and he's ever so cheap.

Rose, I don't want any pictures.

I don't want a press conference. I don't want an advertising campaign telling

everyone how I've restored law and order to our inner forest.

I just want Robin Hood out of my hair.

Well, that wouldn't take long, would it, Uncle?

Fill in that form!

Well, my lord, I've got the pair of them nicely banged up in the torture chamber

again. They made a pathetic attempt to break out, but I dealt with it in my

usual way.

What? You let them escape?

No, my lord. They are currently hanging from the wall like a pair of ghastly

flying ducks.

And in 20 minutes' time, they'll be hanging like a pair of dead ghastly

ducks. Is it your uncle?

It's upside down!

It's upside down!

My lord.

Foul traitor, though Marion may be. We were both second violins in the

Nottingham Youth Orchestra.

May I go and bid her farewell?

How touching.

Of course. And if she has any last requests, you can play them for her.

Right, question two.

A dress.

A dress guy.

Where you live. What exactly is he doing, my lord?

It's a computer dating questionnaire.

To get him married off.

Brilliant. Guy, let me help you.

What is your most attractive feature?

Well, Mummy always says it's my toothy pegs. Does she?

Why, is she a dentist?

What is your favourite sort of music?

Hip -hop, soul, easy listening or heavy metal?

Well, I like the one about the doggy in the window.

Guy, this piece of paper is to help you find the girl of your dreams.

At this rate, you'll be dating a tone -deaf chipmunk. But I don't need to.

I've already found the girl of my dreams.

You have? And the way things are going, I think we should get married pretty

quickly.

Sadly, dear boy, sadly.

Who is it? I know. It's Rose, isn't it? No, not nosy old Rosie Posey.

But I'll give you a clue.

She's in the castle.

What, Greasy Nell the Trainee Chicken Plucker?

Nope. Well, not Mad Biddy Baxter the Mattress Stuffer? Nope.

But there aren't any other women in the castle except... Oh, no.

Oh, yes.

Maid Marian.

I've completely lost my head for her. Well, that's a coincidence. You'll be

losing hers in a few minutes. You'll be able to blunder round the courtyard

looking for each other, won't you?

Did I hear you correctly?

Did you imply that you've got your tights in a twist over the very woman

caused me more trouble than my ingrowing toenail? Well, thought of.

Guy, as you know, I'm not a strict man.

and seldom use the cane.

But there are three rules in this castle which must be obeyed. One, everyone

must wear full uniform and the correct footwear at all times.

Dr. Martin's all -weather dung -kickers do not constitute the correct footwear.

Two, no one is allowed behind the cowsheds during the lunch hour for any

whatsoever. Three, no one, but absolutely no one, is allowed to date...

Marry or in any way get off with one of my deadly enemies!

Understand? Now bend over!

Why, what are you going to do?

I'm going to make your bottom as warm and dented as a toasted tea cake!

Oh, crikey!

I'm going to enjoy this.

Oh, drat! Have you ever noticed how your clock... Always goes off at the wrong

moment. You know what it means, my lord.

Yes, I should have pressed the little button at the side of the clock tower to

stop it. No, it means it's quarter to twelve.

Garlic sausage time, I think. Oh, yes!

What about me, uncle?

You stay there!

Oh, Robin!

Robin! How can I bear such a terrible tragedy?

Rose, you've got your hands in my pocket.

Oh, have I?

Sorry, I didn't realise.

Oh, are these your teeth marks?

They are.

They are!

Can I borrow it? I'll give it back in half an hour. We'll be dead in half an

hour! Oh, you always have to bring up the gloomy side, don't you? She's right,

you know, Marion. It could be quite a giggle in here if you didn't keep

on. I'm not whinging on. I'm merely trying to point out that the woman who

currently sneaking the diary and personal organiser from your bum bag is

person who put us here in the first...

Listen to her, Robin. Shall I pull your boots off for you? They must be terribly

heavy. That's awfully decent of you.

Robin, why are you prepared to trust the school creep instead of me?

What was that?

Yeah, what was that?

Hang on, I'll have a shifty.

Look out!

This one's a bit stinky, isn't it? Yeah, it's rotten parsnips. You know how they

go all...

Squidgy and slimy. Yeah, and you can never get the smell out of your clothes.

Of course, yeah, but it's those little fat maggots inside that really put me

off. Let's chuck them in quick, then.

Oh, Gary, don't forget what the sheriff said about that tin of paint.

Right.

Ew, avocado green. What a disgusting colour.

That's much better, isn't it? Not so much strain on your poor arm.

Well, that's awfully decent of you, Rose, but could I have my trousers back,

please? Surprise, surprise!

It's the execution party!

Cheese and pineapple, anyone?

A little sausage?

Oh, you haven't got a free hand, have you? There!

Have a few nibbles!

Thank you very much.

Well, before the fun starts, I'd just like to say a big thank you to all of

taking part.

especially our two -star guests, Robin Hood and Maid Marilyn.

It's Marion, actually.

And a special mention to the backroom staff, without whom this smashing event

could not have taken place. And in particular, of course, Rose, whose

in the cause of duty has been an example to us all.

Treachery? So it was you all the time.

He's slow, but he gets there in the end, doesn't he? But I thought you were my

biggest fan.

That's why I'm doing all this. It's an ace idea. You'll love it. Sheriff!

You know how you promised me one tiny thing if I shopped him?

It's not money, is it? You can have an IOU.

No, I don't want money.

I want him.

Well, he won't be much good to you when he's in pieces, will he? Yes, he'll be

wonderful. I'll have him stuffed like one of those big fish and put in a big

glass case.

My very own Robin Hood, welcoming the punters to the Robin Hood experience.

Rose, you're a credit to British youth.

This is the kind of enterprising scheme that'll put our country back on its

feet. I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll throw in Maid Marjorie as well.

Marion! That's very kind of you, Your Majesty.

But she wouldn't draw the crowds.

She's not a name, you see.

Just a rather dull little Miss Bossybooth.

Rose. Yes? I'll get you for this.

I doubt if you've got time, dear.

Hello. I brought the party hats.

Mind you, you two won't be needed here, will you?

Well,

it's turned out nice for it anyway.

No, I'm glad it's not raining.

Your hands get wet, the axe can flip, can't they? And that's really dangerous.

Yeah, you could hurt someone, couldn't you?

Right, who goes first?

She does.

Come on, don't be shy.

OK. OK, I'll do the decent thing.

Ladies first.

I'll do it if I get this right.

I haven't done one of these for days.

Hang about, it's my turn.

How do you make that out?

Who did the Thurrock Throttler? You.

Who did the Burslem Sheepstealers? All 17 of them. You.

Who did Upload from Southend who wouldn't pay his poll tax? You, you,

you. Stop!

Bickering, you two. I'll do it.

What was that disgusting little thing?

I think it was an avocado, my lord.

you're going to be well and truly plucked.

Plucked, yeah?

Can't find to be better than a plucked in a food pit.

Who put that tree there?

Susan, I knew you'd turn up.

Uncle?

just not going to miss this jolly old party.

It's not fair.

Marion, I'm so relieved you're safe.

Honestly, you don't know how ghastly it's been having to pretend to be so two

-faced. Well, the thing is, you see, the sheriff had stolen my little poppy

Whitney and taken her hostage.

And he said if I didn't turn you in...

tongs of a bucket full of vipers. I've got two tickets for the new disco in

Lincoln. Rose.

Shut up.

Uncle. Uncle.

Oh, Marion.

Still got your bums on? Does that mean the party's still going on? No, you've

missed it. But fortunately I kept my head.

Shall we do some more yo -yo jokes then?

No. But there's someone in there who I know would love to play with you.

Oh, goody, goody.

The last of the rubbish emptied. Shouldn't we save it for recycling?

There's no way this lot's being recycled.

This is highly toxic pollutant. The only reason England's still got it is

because now the country will touch it with a barge pole.

One day, I'll be revenged on you!

I should keep my mouth shut if I was you.

Otherwise, the germs might jump in. That'd be nice for them, my lord.

It'd be like a big swimming pool, wouldn't it?

Shut up!

Right, let's go.

What about Rose?

Yeah, she got us into this. What's going to happen to her?

I've got a feeling Rose is going to get a far worse torture than you could

possibly imagine.

Don't come off.

What won't? This avocado paint.

That's awful.

You can spend the rest of your life running away from restaurant owners who

to cut you in half, dig your little stone out and fill you with prawn.

Give him a hand then, Robin.

Sorry, I'm off, I'm afraid. I've come to say goodbye.

Why? Where are you going?

Oh, I don't know. I'll retrain, I suppose.

Do something for the community.

Go into advertising, maybe.

Why, man?

Over the last couple of days, I've been a fool.

I never noticed a difference.

Maybe you made a mistake.

Robin, so did I.

No one ever said fighting injustice would be easy.

They've got the power, they've got the weapons, and all we've got is a rasta, a

wally, and a bearded avocado.

And Susan.

But we'll win.

One day, England will be free, and people won't have to pay unfair taxes,

school dinners won't make us throw up, swimming pools won't stink of chlorine,

and girls will be able to play football.

you think I'll get these things done, Robin?

Um, the Football Association.

That's Robin.

And people like her.

In people's hearts, there'll always be a Robin Hood. There'll always be a

Barrington, a Little Ron and a Rady.

And a Susan.

I suppose so.

Oh, and, uh, there's one thing you've forgotten. What?

There'll always be a Maid Marian.

Thank you, Robin.

Mind you, no one will remember her, will they?

Marion! Why don't you carry on with what

you're doing?