Original subtitles

Feeling crazy, crazy about the boy.

You eat apple, your mud will grow up big and strong like the famous Robin Hood.

Look, there he is.

Excuse me, would you mind clearing out of the way? My little lad can't see

Hood.

Who shall I put it to?

Cowpat, please.

Cowpat, that's a pretty name.

To Cowpat with London, best wishes from... Little Jeremy.

Can I, can I, can I? Look at him. His head's so swollen, it'll split in two in

minute and his brains will drop out. Hey, Marion, apparently Smash Hits

have voted me the outlaw. They'd most like to snog. Isn't that amazing?

It certainly says something about Smash Hits readers, Robin.

Now, come on, we've got to get home.

OK, won't be long. They must be mad.

I'd rather snog a hippopotamus.

That one drooling all over him like a slimy fungus around a tree tree.

He was in my class at school.

What a creep.

She had some really stupid friends. And she used to wear these incredibly

irritating shoes.

And she was so too safe.

She's coming over.

to catch up on.

Excuse me, would you mind?

We were best friends, that's all you see.

I saw you the other day.

I'll give it. I'll give you a clue.

Brenda Gillingham! Brenda Gillingham!

And what's your lucky number?

Well, I don't really... Excuse me, can you not... And what's your favourite

colour? Oh, beige, I think. Definitely beige. I mean, not that ghastly yellowy

beige. A real beigey beige.

Hang on. What's going on?

I think you're marvellous, Marion. I really do.

You were always my idol, you know. Was I?

Oh, yes.

Some girls said you were loud and bossy and were really pleased when you weren't

made school prefect. But not me. I thought you were absolutely... And now

got a job and everything and all these blokes working for you. Do you have an

office? Well, it's a clearing, really, but it's open plan.

That's wonderful.

And to think that some people thought you'd end up a tatty old beggar sloping

round the forest.

And do you have a flat?

flat when the moulds were hibernating.

And I've got this really cool mattress made out of crisp toadstool.

Dreamy! And a duvet stuffed with moss.

And I sewed leaves like these together for sheets. That's marvellous! Do you

know, there were girls far cleverer than you who've ended up in boring old,

highly paid jobs in the banking sector.

I bet they aim for you.

And they've got my own. Bow and arrows?

No! Yeah? No!

Really? I don't believe it. That's every girl's dream, isn't it? I just don't

believe it.

You can have a go if you like.

Who, me?

I couldn't possibly. I mean, it comes to your hideout. It's secret, isn't it?

Well, no, I meant that I could bring them to you. Oh, I'm touched.

I really am. And I'll never tell anyone where it is, I promise.

I mean, if you can't rely on your best friend, who can you rely on? Now, let's

go there this very minute.

And I forgot.

Gerson got engaged to a chicken strangler from Cleveport.

I'll back and you can be fielders, OK?

Fine leg, uncle.

Thank you, Guy.

Silly point, Graham.

What, like this?

The boy's talking complete gibberish.

Sherry, if you bowl, and Gary, you can be wicky.

I think an accidental cricket ball in the gob might slow him down a bit, don't

you?

Go on, Uncle.

Fetch it.

What, me?

One. You are the nearest, my Lord.

But it stinks, too.

All sport stinks, my lord, but if you don't fetch it, it'll get a century.

Three. All right.

All right.

This has got to stop. Four. I've got to stick from the off -ground touch.

I've blistered from past the parcel.

Five. The hopping race did my knees.

And if I see any more oranges and lemons, I'll throw up.

Six. Wait a minute.

I've got it.

12 of on the face of a clock.

Cookers.

No. Rabies, your turn.

Just a minute.

It's all right, darling.

Daddy's here.

What are you doing, man?

I'm talking to Susan.

Who?

Turkeys. It's got nothing to do with birds, little Ron.

Oh, badgers.

Who wants a drink of water?

I'm going to look after her, and she'll grow and grow, and one day she'll be as

tall as a man. She is as tall as a man.

Quick, quick, there's been a terrible accident.

Do you know what this is? Teeny -weeny football pitch.

A hanky for Susan.

No, something terrible's happened to my bottom.

And do you remember Mr. Evans?

What, the one with the sticky -out tears who really fancied himself?

Yeah, what did we used to call him?

Mr. Sticky -out -tears -who -really -fantased -himself.

I don't think you used to call me anything, actually. We did.

No, no, I'm sure you didn't. It's on the tip of my tongue. What was it again?

Ta -da!

Welcome to the People's Republic of Sherwood.

Boys, meet Rose, my best friend at school.

Rose, this is little Ron, Barrington and Raby.

And this is Susan. And now the moment you've been waiting for.

Oh, great, he's robbing back.

Who are you? Hi. Won't be a mile. I think he's sewing up his bottom.

Is he?

No, not old frog spawn features. My bow and arrow. Oh, exciting.

You stay here and we'll rig up the target and show you what to do. It looks

difficult, I know, but it's just a gnat. Any idiot can get the hang of it, can't

they, Raby?

Yeah.

What do you think?

Hey, guys, how do I look?

Not bad, not bad. You just need the all -over plastic surgery and a wig and

you'll look almost human on a dark night.

Little Miss Bossyboots. Little Miss Bossyboots?

That's what we used to call her, too. What a coincidence.

Take no notice of her. You look dreamy. I can't tell you what a thrill it is to

have some time alone with you like this.

I'm your biggest fan. I really am. I know all your records by heart.

Really? Yes.

Record for running away over 100 metres, 9 .2 seconds.

Record for begging for mercy, 97 times in three minutes.

Right, we're ready.

And there's one thing I wanted to ask you. Can I have your autograph, please?

Um, yes, of course.

And one for my friend Julie.

She'll go bananas, honestly.

And one for Uncle Sid and Auntie Lil. And two for the twins, Jason and Kylie.

And all the nights in the night shift at Nottingham Castle.

Rose, we're waiting.

We've set it all up and everything.

Oh, shut up, little Miss Bossy Boots.

And can I have a little memento? Well, uh... I know it sounds silly, but I've

always wanted the feather in your hat. Would you mind if... And a flight from

one of your arrows.

I'm one of your arrows.

Could you get me a bag, Marion?

Rose, I think it's... Time to go.

I think it's really cruel putting this stuff down the toilet.

Yeah. Oh, for heaven's sake.

I mean, killing all those poor little germs. What have they ever done to us?

Yeah, we should just round them up and put them in screw -top jars.

Now, listen.

At any minute, Robin Hood and his men could come bursting out of the forest

steal our cleaning materials. So stop blathering.

And I'm going to start a fan club.

And we'll have a fan game.

And I'll write this really brilliant article. How I spent three hours alone

Robin Hood. You weren't.

longbows, because I thought you said you wanted to go.

And I'll open up a Robin Hood museum with all this stuff he's given me. His

tooth mug, his vest, his old squash shirt. I feel really used.

Look, I didn't ask you to walk home with me. Go and play with your bow and

arrow, you buffy boot. Be quiet.

Don't tell me to be quiet. I said quiet.

So, would you try to string around a monster bunch, you guys, and lower it

the toilet bowl?

And then when the germs chomped their little teeth round it, we could pull

out and take them all to the countryside where they could start new lives. For

the 87th time, shut up. 86.

Shut up!

I'm sorry about that, but this isn't a game.

Being a merry person is deadly serious.

What? You're scared of a bunch of cleaners?

Rose, that was the Sheriff of Nottingham. If he caught me or Robin,

our heads off.

Really?

Really. And what would you do with them?

What? Oh, nothing.

I'll be off now. Bye.

I never could stand her.

My lord, we have returned.

1 ,708. Soon your courtyard will be as clean as a skeleton at a vulture's tea

party. 1 ,709.

Oh, go on.

Yes?

You're out.

Oh, botheration.

I bought a new ball, my lord. What took you so long?

Another couple of minutes and I'd have kebabbed him with his own stumps.

You have to be careful in the forest, my lord. You wouldn't have wanted Robin

Hood to nick this.

Robin Hood! Robin Hood! That's all I ever hear.

I don't want much out of life.

Robin Hood dead, my nephew off my hands, and a national anthem with a little bit

of go in it. It's not a lot to ask, but do I get it? No way!

Now, clean this courtyard before I turn you upside down and use your head as a

squeezy mop.

Understand?

Poor King John.

The cares of the nation lie very heavy on his shoulders, don't they, sir? Yes,

with a bit of luck, a few more cares will duplicate them and his head will

off. Sheriff!

Yes, Gary? I didn't say anything.

Sheriff!

You're not mucking about, are you, Gary?

No, sir.

You haven't.

Turned into a woman, have you? No, sir. My bike's got a crossbar and everything.

Was it you, Graham?

It was I, Sheriff.

And who might you be?

Someone who can deliver Robin Hood into your hands.

You know Robin Hood? Yes. And he trusts me with his life.

Oh, sir.

Just what you've always wanted.

Not so fast.

How do I know that I can trust you? How do I know you're not some kind of

confidence trickster?

Wait a minute.

If you know Robin Hood, you won't mind giving me one of his possessions, will

you? Some tiny little personal thing that he won't miss?

No sooner said than done. His shower gel.

His aftershave.

His all -over cologne rub. His athlete's foot cream.

Any more?

Boys, I think we're on to something.

And what would you want in return?

Nothing much.

Just one tiny favour.

Something awful's happened. Something absolutely terrible.

Can you smell rather a nasty smell, Nettles?

Oh, see what you mean.

Oh, please. I know I've been horrid and selfish and everything, but this is

serious. Come on, let's go somewhere else with the air less polluted.

Marion! She doesn't want to talk to you.

I thought your job was helping people.

I thought if they had no -one to turn to, they could come to you.

I shouldn't think they'd want any help from Little Miss Rather Enough, do you?

She'd probably bore them to death prattling on about bows and arrows,

she? Look, I'm sorry.

What more can I say?

I've lost the best friend I've ever had. I'm in terrible trouble and I need your

help. Why me?

Because you're the only person in the world that can help me.

Really? Marion? Yes, really.

Well, all right.

Me auntie Gwen is a pet weasel. I took him for a walk and she said don't let

off his leash.

But you know, so sweet and playful, I thought he couldn't do any harm. Oh,

And of course, the moment I unhid his collar... He shot off. Exactly.

And he got that tree.

And you know what a duffer I am at climbing, afraid of heights and

And you were always so brilliant at that sort of thing. All right, don't worry.

You just hold this and I'll see what I can do.

Marion, you won't regret this. I promise.

Maid Marian!

She lies rotting in your torture chamber even now, my lord.

I intend to use her as bait to catch a particularly troublesome rat.

Shall we paint her yellow then, uncle?

What? And to make her look like Gorgonzola, we could drill holes in her.

Guy, the rat we have in mind is called Robin Hood.

What? He's got the same name as that outlaw? It is that outlaw. I see.

And he likes cheese, does he? He likes his dang guy.

And if we've got one of them, he'll try to rescue her, won't he? And we'll be

waiting for him, won't we?

Oh, I see.

And he'll say, here lies the fair Marion.

She was the people's friend.

She loved little children and was always kind to animals.

Well, except that stupid little Pekingese she accidentally trod on.

Her only crime was to trust a friend.

Oh, just wait till I get my hands on her.

One trusty arrow and I'll...

of cheese.

What? And you mustn't say you aren't, all right. And if anybody asks you,

cheese. My dear little man, if a Norman wants me to be cheese, that's the last

thing in the world I'll be. Well, if you're going to be naughty, I'll have to

tie something round your mouth, you wousey. Get away from me, you cheesy

You got asthma?

You're a pretty girlie. What?

I thought you'd be a horrid, grumpy old cross -patch, but you're as pretty as a

pretty witty pig.

Robin, it's awful.

I know, there's too much fullness in the waist, isn't there? How about if I use

a belt and give it a baggy look?

No, it's Marion.

The sheriff captured her and locked her up in Nottingham Castle. We must leap

into action right away.

Oh, right.

Right, absolutely.

Okay, men, what are we going to do?

We could... No, that would be stupid.

What about... No.

What was the question again?

I think I know how we can get inside.

Robin, are you prepared to risk your neck to save her?

Not really.

Good, because this plan involves absolutely no risk at all. Oh, well,

right, then.

You as fluffy as...

Torture chamber.

Can I ask you something?

Is it set to music?

No. Good.

Fire away.

Can I take you out for a walk?

Can you take me out for a walk?

Are you mad?

If you were the last man alive and it was a choice between you and the dribble

monster from outer space, I'd choose...

Security locks, Guy.

And I've got Uncle John's big bunch of key hours, haven't I?

Actually, it's quite a nice carpet, isn't it? I mean, it's not me, of

I'm a rugs and cushions scattered round the room kind of guy. But if you enter

that... Oh, no!

The bill! We're dead!

We're perfectly safe.

He doesn't know me. I'll do the talking. You keep your head down.

Morning. Morning, Rose.

He does know you. No, he doesn't.

Rose, like it does every morning. Clever of you to notice.

Eh? You don't know us, OK?

We're innocent carpet layers come to lay a washable axminster in the torture

chamber. May we proceed?

Certainly, Rose.

Yes, it certainly did.

Nice to meet you.

Come on, Simon.

I said, come on, Simon. Oh, um, Simon.

Sorry, I thought you said Robin. Um, Simon. Which you did, of course.

OK, fine. Off we go.

When you said you'd take me for a walk, I thought you had something a bit

different in mind.

Well, I think it's really cosy.

Anyway, this is how I take my little Pekingese for a walk.

You've got a Pekingese, have you? Mm -hm.

Completely undamaged, is he? Well, he limps a bit.

He was a Christmas present from Mummy.

And I got a big jigsaw with nearly a hundred pieces and a complete set of

soldiers. Wooden ones?

No, real ones.

And my own personal walkman. Really?

Well, he runs if you shout at him.

I'm a yo -yo. Have you?

Yo!

Together! I said, I've got a yo -yo. You said, have you? And I said, yo!

Yes, hysterical.

Shall we find somewhere to sit down?

Suppose they ask me about carpet laying.

I've never laid anything in my life.

Well, say you're on work experience.

I'm a little mature for that, aren't I?

Well, say you're a slow learner.

Will they believe it?

Robin, I'm sure they will.

The carpet men have arrived, my lord.

Oh, good.

And I've got my own horse. And Mummy says I won't need a leading rein soon.

I know.

Let's do that yo -yo joke again.

Must we? Well, it is funny, isn't it?

All right.

Sit down and we'll begin.

It's me, Robin.

I've come to rescue you.

You thought I was a carpet man, didn't you? But I had this brilliant idea.

Marion? Marion, where are you?

She's not here.

Are you sure this is the right room?

Quite sure, Mr Hood.

Welcome to our little playroom.

And as a special treat, I'm going to let you have a go on every single thing.

Rose. You betrayed me. No, Robbie.

It wasn't me, honestly. Take a look out of the window.

Marion.

Marion.

Why don't you carry on with what you're doing?

Because there's always trouble.

Make love.