Original subtitles

Someone say no.

Yes!

And when this man came to me, he was a complete physical

wreck. He was so weak that every time he sneezed, he had to go and have a lie

down. And what made him the hulk he is today?

Your aerobics classes.

Exactly, Gladys. Well, you can sign me up.

Anyone else for the aerobic classes?

Nice try.

Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.

Bang, that's my evening classes. I was only doing it for them, to improve their

posture. Maybe sell a few leotards if I was lucky.

Write my own workout book.

But basically I was doing it for the community.

It's all right, Rabies, it wasn't your fault. I blame the playing service.

How anyone can be expected to play on this.

out of your known.

I think I'm in love.

When a woman is able to smash up your table, you know.

Yes, you really know.

When she beats you at wrestling, there's no time for gifting.

You know. What's going on? What is this?

Yes, the woman of your dream.

And the woman of your dreams is a woman whose charms are a massive pair of

arms. And you know. Yes, you really know. Yes, you really know.

You know you're in love. I just hate this kind of garbage.

You know you're in love.

Baby's in love.

Baby's in love.

William the Conqueror says, do this.

William the Conqueror says, do this.

Do this.

You're out, uncle, you're out. You're out of the mouldy old trout.

No, I'm not. I did it, didn't I?

Yes, my lord, but William the Conqueror didn't tell you to do it. But of course

he didn't. He's been...

75 years, he's hardly likely to be prancing around pulling funny faces when

six feet under with a stone slab on his head, is he? What a stupid game.

All right, then, we'll play something else. It's a spoiling sport.

No, we won't. What about hide -and -seek?

Definitely not hide -and -seek. My lord, remember what Guy's mother said she'd

do to you if you didn't give him a good time. That nasty thing with a pencil.

You count.

We'll hide.

Goody gumdrop.

One elephant, two elephants, three elephants, four elephants.

That boy's driving me mad.

Five hours we spent playing pin the tail of a dinosaur and the nearest he got

was his chin.

I know, my lord, and those marathon games of ring -a -ring -a -roses are

my men. I've got a kingdom to rule, for goodness sake.

Prisoners to torture, peasants to rob, money to count.

You'll have to get rid of him. How?

What shall we play now? Kiss chase?

Oh, we can't, can we? We haven't got any girls.

My lord, I think I have an idea.

Who is it?

You're not an encyclopaedia salesman, are you?

Sir Walter Ferguson, it's the Sheriff of Nottingham. And I'm pleased to be able

to tell you you've been selected to take part in our lucky draw.

I don't want any encyclopedias. We are not selling encyclopedias. It's a

timeshare holiday, isn't it? You get me all excited, and I end up buying a

peasant's cottage in Margate for 1 ,000 gold pieces.

Nope. All you do is answer three simple questions, and if your answers are

correct, you win a fabulous prize.

No encyclopedias? Nope.

Well, I don't want any publicity, all right?

Certainly.

Right, Sir Walter, put yourself on the hot spot, please. Gary, let's have the

first question.

All right. Question one.

Are you rich?

Yes. That is correct.

Question two.

Do you have a daughter?

Yes. Correct.

Are you getting nervous?

A bit. That's all right. You've got plenty of time.

Question three.

Please.

I'll start it till I finish.

Is she married?

Uh... Uh... Uh... No.

Yes!

That's it. Well done. You have won tonight's star prize.

Oh, amazing!

Wonderful! What is it?

You have won a son -in -law.

A what?

A son -in -law.

What can I do with a son -in -law? Anything you like.

You can comb his hair, change his clothes, sit him on a little pony,

long as he marries your daughter and stays away from the castle.

But I don't want a son -in -law.

I'll take the money instead.

There isn't any money instead.

What do I get if I don't take the son -in -law? A pair of false teeth.

But I don't need a pair of false teeth. You will if you don't take the son -in

-law. Now get your daughter down here quickly and tell her she's to marry Guy

Gisborne this afternoon.

But because if you don't, Gary and Graham will paint a selection of numbers

your body, stick pins in your stomach and use you as a bagatelle board.

Darling, darling, there's this man down here who wants to speak to you.

She won't like it, you know. So what?

What does he want?

Sorry to bother you, miss, but are you engaged at the moment?

No. Well, you are now.

You see, just be firm with her. She's only a girl. She didn't do what you tell

her. Slap her around the back of the legs with a ruler.

Now what's all this about?

Huh.

Hello, little girl.

What's your name?

Fergie?

Fergie? What sort of a name's that?

Girls are called things like man... Wendy and Claire and Eleanor of

Not Fergie.

If you had a budgie that was all covered in fur, you could call that a Fergie.

We're not talking about some stupid bird with a fur coat, Gary. Well, in a way

we are, my lord. She is extremely rich.

Who is?

A guy, just the man we wanted. We've got a nice surprise for you. This

afternoon, we're all going to a party, but it'll be terribly boring, won't it,

my lord?

Oh, yes. As boring as a nice fire competition in a coal hole.

Really? So you can stay here and play with the woodlice. Oh!

Don't worry, you'd hate it. It'll just be a lot of stupid old boring party

games. And lots of boring old cakes and jellies and chocolate spread sandwiches.

Oh, can't I come?

There's not enough room.

Sorry. Well, my lord. What?

What? There is that bloke who can't come, the one who was going to be the

I could do that. I love horses.

No, he means the one who was going to marry the bride.

Well, I could do that, couldn't I?

I'm not married. Please, oh, please, hope to die and make me sneeze. I love

chocolate spread sandwiches.

Um, um... What do you think?

I think I'd better go and buy some chocolate spread, my lord.

Wetting so much, the entire animal population of Sherwood has taken to the

lifeboat. But you're as dry as a toast rack in the middle of the Sahara desert.

There's no point in having a go.

He's in love.

Ooh, rabies in love.

Is that why every single tree in Sherwood has got the words rabies for

carved on it? Yeah, and he's pinned these little poems all over the place.

Darling, darling Fergie, I can't find the wordie. Do you see how...

It's gibberish.

Pull yourself together.

Take a cold shower and go and chop some log.

Eh? This is ridiculous.

I've had more interesting conversations with a tree stump.

What are we going to do with him?

He could ask her for a date. Oh, I hate dates. I never know what to do with a

stump. No, he means, you know...

Pretend to be a dog?

No, chatter up.

Walter? You bet.

But I wouldn't know what to say.

You say, hey, baby, wait a minute, let's smoochie, woochie, woochie.

Only if you're a gibbering idiot, Robin.

Look, Rabies, say I'm her.

You're her.

No, pretend I'm Fergie.

Now, you want to say you fancy me, right, and that you want to go out with

Well, go on, then.

I... I...

I can't. My mouth's gone embarrassed. Look, it's flashing.

It's all out.

Rabies, it's easy.

You're a sensible person.

If you want something, you know how to ask for it, don't you? No.

Perhaps not.

You're going to need some help, aren't you?

Farrington, go over to Ferguson Hall and tell Fergie we've got someone who wants

to go out with her.

Oh, and don't say who it is.

This is going to be a blind date.

Right, three hours to blast off. Who's got the wedding cake? Here.

And the wedding jellies and the wedding chocolate spread sandwiches?

Here. And telegrams from all the people who couldn't be bothered to come?

Here. Okay, here's a list of the presents the groom wants.

The ice -by book of earthworms. The ice -by book of slugs.

The ice -by book of mucky things you find behind the sink.

A parcel for Pastor Parcel, a piggy for Piggy in the Middle, and a foot for

Grandmother's Footsteps. Right. You get a parcel, you get a piggy, and you get

me an old lady in a large saw.

What about the bride? What does she want?

Oh, I don't know. She's locked herself in her room.

Oh, she's shy.

I'll go and get her.

Ding -dong, ding -dong, wedding bells.

Oh, I do love royal weddings, don't you? They're so romantic.

Don't be silly. You've got to marry him. If you don't, your dad will end up as a

pinball machine and you'll be so poor you won't even have 10p to shove in his

slot. I don't want to marry him. He's thick. Of course he's thick. His royalty

is supposed to be thick.

He can shake people's hands, can't he? He can wave out of carriage windows and

he can do the job.

Now, what are you going to wear?

This. No, you're not. This is a royal wedding, not an Oxfam shop.

And have a wash.

A wash? yesterday.

I don't believe this. The world's media will be focused on you this afternoon.

Millions of women will be copying your hairdo and naming their horrible kids

after you. You might at least clean your teeth and slap a bit of deodorant under

your armpits. I don't want to marry him.

Right, right, Gary, Graham, nail forward legs to Sir Walter's bottom and screw a

couple of flippers to his earlobes. It's pinball time.

All right, all right. If there's no way out, I suppose I'll have to.

But if the whole world's going to be looking at me, I want to slap up, do you

understand? I want flowers. I want bridesmaids. I want a choir and a big

marquee. I can't get all that at three hours' notice.

You will.

You will.

I know you will.

Because if you don't, I will get angry.

And when I'm angry, there's very big trouble.

safe and surrounded with security guards.

Right, you two sort out the bridesmaids and the flowers. I'll go down to the

tent shop and I'll meet you back at the village to knock up some sort of choir.

Come on.

And you can take your jelly with you.

Morning.

Come on, eat up.

Chuff, chuff, chuff, chuff, chuff, chuff. Look out, here's the tunnel.

Woo, woo.

I'm not hungry.

You've got to eat. You're beginning to look like a big beach ball with a

puncture. My mind's on higher things.

Your mind is wet.

out of it. Have an arm wrestle with Robin. That'll cheer you up. Oh, no.

I've got a squash injury.

Get on with it.

Okay, but if I aggravate this ligament, it'll ruin the squash tournament.

I really shouldn't be doing this, you know.

Now.

Wow.

Hey, let's do it again.

Now.

Wow.

Now.

Now. Now.

This is fantastic.

I never knew my own strength.

It's confidence, that's all, isn't it, little Ron?

You want to fight?

Hey, you want to fight? You want to fight?

Oh!

Oh! Now look what you've done!

There's a terrible ringing in my ears. I think I've broken my skull.

Cancel the squash court.

I'm dying. Shut up, Robin. It's Barrington.

Someone's in trouble.

To arms! To arms!

No chance.

Robin's head's fallen off and rabies is as sick as a lovesick parent.

in trouble. The sheriff says she's got to marry Guy Gisborne this afternoon,

if she doesn't, her dad will get ten years' hard labour in an amusement

Well, I'm sorry, but we haven't got a staff seat.

Marion? We'll have a whip round and get her a nice present instead.

I think I'm getting angry.

How about a nice vase?

Or one of those butter dishes that says this is a souvenir from Sherwood Forest?

Yes, I'm definitely getting angry.

And we could make her a pretty card.

He seems to have come back to life again, doesn't he?

Thank you.

There's going to be such a wedding. Going to be such a wedding. Going to be

a wedding.

Dear beloved, we are gathered here to marry this woman.

What, all of us? To this man.

Oh, I love weddings, don't you?

Will the bridesmaids shut up, please?

Sorry, it's just we're a bit overexcited. Yeah, we've never been

before. Shut up!

Who giveth this woman away?

I do.

Freely and wholeheartedly. And who hath the ring?

Ah, ah, one moment, my lord.

What? Give me a ring.

Oh, all right. But can I reverse the charges? The ring on your finger,

Oh.

Sorry, it won't come off.

I've had it since I was a little toddler and the skin's sort of grown over it.

Gary, you've had it since last Christmas when I wanted in a cracker and swapped

it with you for a rubber skeleton.

Can we get on, please?

I want to get back to my weight training.

Yes, and I want some chocolate spread sandwiches.

Oh, they're so romantic, aren't they? Hang on.

You haven't asked about the impediments yet.

What on earth's an impediment?

I think it's when something gets stuck, my lord. Oh, the ring.

Don't worry, we'll saw it in two.

Oh, no, you'll spoil it if you saw it in two.

Not the ring, your finger. Oh, look, it's come off.

See? There's no impediment now.

No. You have to say, is there any reason or impediment why these two people

shouldn't get married?

Well, of course there isn't. They're young, single and stupid.

That's why people get married, isn't it?

But they don't love each other.

Love? Love? What's love got to do with it? Love is something invented by

greeting cards manufacturers to sell Valentine cards.

Marriage is about getting someone to iron your shirt.

Iron his shirt?

That's thick insect.

I wouldn't poke around in his washing. I'd catch green fly.

You will poke around in his washing. And what is more, you will do it with a

smile on your face.

Because if you don't, I will fill your father so full of holes, you'll be able

to strain the greens with him. Leave him alone!

Why? What are you going to do about it? Someone throw the fat choir boy out!

What are you going to do?

Call Margaret the Bachelor.

Yeah, come to me for a professional job.

They're rock -bottom prices.

Actually,

I've changed my mind. I don't think I will get married after all.

No!

Never mind.

It was for a nice game of blind man's buff.

I

don't

think they'll be back in a hurry.

What, you mean you've broken off the engagement?

I'm so sorry. Yep, broken it off, tied a two -ton weight to it, dropped it down

a coal mine and covered it with quick -set concrete.

So you're bloodless, really, aren't you?

Yep.

Well, I wonder if I could talk you into it.

It's OK, I've fixed it. She'll take you up.

Hmm? Fergie, she says she'll take you to see a family portrait.

Hmm? Oh, pull yourself together. Didn't you hear what I said? The girl of your

dreams is going to take you to the pictures.

Isn't she wonderful?

Yeah, absolutely mind -blowingly amazing.

Now, you're going to have to polish your shoes, aren't you?

Look at her.

I... I finished your roof!

Well, take the notice of her. That's just crazy, Margaret. I said I finished

your roof!

She's the strongest woman I've ever seen.

She's totally, totally wonderful.

Rabies, you don't love her. You love Fergie, don't you?

Don't you?

Don't you?

Ooh, rabies in love.

Honestly, men.

Marion, why don't you carry on with what

you're doing?