All language subtitles for Maid Marian s02e04 Rabies In Love

Someone say no.

Yes!

And when this man came to me, he was a
complete physical

wreck. He was so weak that every time he
sneezed, he had to go and have a lie

down. And what made him the hulk he is
today?

Your aerobics classes.

Exactly, Gladys. Well, you can sign me
up.

Anyone else for the aerobic classes?

Nice try.

Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.

Bang, that's my evening classes. I was
only doing it for them, to improve their

posture. Maybe sell a few leotards if I
was lucky.

Write my own workout book.

But basically I was doing it for the
community.

It's all right, Rabies, it wasn't your
fault. I blame the playing service.

How anyone can be expected to play on
this.

out of your known.

I think I'm in love.

When a woman is able to smash up your
table, you know.

Yes, you really know.

When she beats you at wrestling, there's
no time for gifting.

You know. What's going on? What is this?

Yes, the woman of your dream.

And the woman of your dreams is a woman
whose charms are a massive pair of

arms. And you know. Yes, you really
know. Yes, you really know.

You know you're in love. I just hate
this kind of garbage.

You know you're in love.

Baby's in love.

Baby's in love.

William the Conqueror says, do this.

William the Conqueror says, do this.

Do this.

You're out, uncle, you're out. You're
out of the mouldy old trout.

No, I'm not. I did it, didn't I?

Yes, my lord, but William the Conqueror
didn't tell you to do it. But of course

he didn't. He's been...

75 years, he's hardly likely to be
prancing around pulling funny faces when

six feet under with a stone slab on his
head, is he? What a stupid game.

All right, then, we'll play something
else. It's a spoiling sport.

No, we won't. What about hide -and
-seek?

Definitely not hide -and -seek. My lord,
remember what Guy's mother said she'd

do to you if you didn't give him a good
time. That nasty thing with a pencil.

You count.

We'll hide.

Goody gumdrop.

One elephant, two elephants, three
elephants, four elephants.

That boy's driving me mad.

Five hours we spent playing pin the tail
of a dinosaur and the nearest he got

was his chin.

I know, my lord, and those marathon
games of ring -a -ring -a -roses are

my men. I've got a kingdom to rule, for
goodness sake.

Prisoners to torture, peasants to rob,
money to count.

You'll have to get rid of him. How?

What shall we play now? Kiss chase?

Oh, we can't, can we? We haven't got any
girls.

My lord, I think I have an idea.

Who is it?

You're not an encyclopaedia salesman,
are you?

Sir Walter Ferguson, it's the Sheriff of
Nottingham. And I'm pleased to be able

to tell you you've been selected to take
part in our lucky draw.

I don't want any encyclopedias. We are
not selling encyclopedias. It's a

timeshare holiday, isn't it? You get me
all excited, and I end up buying a

peasant's cottage in Margate for 1 ,000
gold pieces.

Nope. All you do is answer three simple
questions, and if your answers are

correct, you win a fabulous prize.

No encyclopedias? Nope.

Well, I don't want any publicity, all
right?

Certainly.

Right, Sir Walter, put yourself on the
hot spot, please. Gary, let's have the

first question.

All right. Question one.

Are you rich?

Yes. That is correct.

Question two.

Do you have a daughter?

Yes. Correct.

Are you getting nervous?

A bit. That's all right. You've got
plenty of time.

Question three.

Please.

I'll start it till I finish.

Is she married?

Uh... Uh... Uh... No.

Yes!

That's it. Well done. You have won
tonight's star prize.

Oh, amazing!

Wonderful! What is it?

You have won a son -in -law.

A what?

A son -in -law.

What can I do with a son -in -law?
Anything you like.

You can comb his hair, change his
clothes, sit him on a little pony,

long as he marries your daughter and
stays away from the castle.

But I don't want a son -in -law.

I'll take the money instead.

There isn't any money instead.

What do I get if I don't take the son
-in -law? A pair of false teeth.

But I don't need a pair of false teeth.
You will if you don't take the son -in

-law. Now get your daughter down here
quickly and tell her she's to marry Guy

Gisborne this afternoon.

But because if you don't, Gary and
Graham will paint a selection of numbers

your body, stick pins in your stomach
and use you as a bagatelle board.

Darling, darling, there's this man down
here who wants to speak to you.

She won't like it, you know. So what?

What does he want?

Sorry to bother you, miss, but are you
engaged at the moment?

No. Well, you are now.

You see, just be firm with her. She's
only a girl. She didn't do what you tell

her. Slap her around the back of the
legs with a ruler.

Now what's all this about?

Huh.

Hello, little girl.

What's your name?

Fergie?

Fergie? What sort of a name's that?

Girls are called things like man...
Wendy and Claire and Eleanor of

Not Fergie.

If you had a budgie that was all covered
in fur, you could call that a Fergie.

We're not talking about some stupid bird
with a fur coat, Gary. Well, in a way

we are, my lord. She is extremely rich.

Who is?

A guy, just the man we wanted. We've got
a nice surprise for you. This

afternoon, we're all going to a party,
but it'll be terribly boring, won't it,

my lord?

Oh, yes. As boring as a nice fire
competition in a coal hole.

Really? So you can stay here and play
with the woodlice. Oh!

Don't worry, you'd hate it. It'll just
be a lot of stupid old boring party

games. And lots of boring old cakes and
jellies and chocolate spread sandwiches.

Oh, can't I come?

There's not enough room.

Sorry. Well, my lord. What?

What? There is that bloke who can't
come, the one who was going to be the

I could do that. I love horses.

No, he means the one who was going to
marry the bride.

Well, I could do that, couldn't I?

I'm not married. Please, oh, please,
hope to die and make me sneeze. I love

chocolate spread sandwiches.

Um, um... What do you think?

I think I'd better go and buy some
chocolate spread, my lord.

Wetting so much, the entire animal
population of Sherwood has taken to the

lifeboat. But you're as dry as a toast
rack in the middle of the Sahara desert.

There's no point in having a go.

He's in love.

Ooh, rabies in love.

Is that why every single tree in
Sherwood has got the words rabies for

carved on it? Yeah, and he's pinned
these little poems all over the place.

Darling, darling Fergie, I can't find
the wordie. Do you see how...

It's gibberish.

Pull yourself together.

Take a cold shower and go and chop some
log.

Eh? This is ridiculous.

I've had more interesting conversations
with a tree stump.

What are we going to do with him?

He could ask her for a date. Oh, I hate
dates. I never know what to do with a

stump. No, he means, you know...

Pretend to be a dog?

No, chatter up.

Walter? You bet.

But I wouldn't know what to say.

You say, hey, baby, wait a minute, let's
smoochie, woochie, woochie.

Only if you're a gibbering idiot, Robin.

Look, Rabies, say I'm her.

You're her.

No, pretend I'm Fergie.

Now, you want to say you fancy me,
right, and that you want to go out with

Well, go on, then.

I... I...

I can't. My mouth's gone embarrassed.
Look, it's flashing.

It's all out.

Rabies, it's easy.

You're a sensible person.

If you want something, you know how to
ask for it, don't you? No.

Perhaps not.

You're going to need some help, aren't
you?

Farrington, go over to Ferguson Hall and
tell Fergie we've got someone who wants

to go out with her.

Oh, and don't say who it is.

This is going to be a blind date.

Right, three hours to blast off. Who's
got the wedding cake? Here.

And the wedding jellies and the wedding
chocolate spread sandwiches?

Here. And telegrams from all the people
who couldn't be bothered to come?

Here. Okay, here's a list of the
presents the groom wants.

The ice -by book of earthworms. The ice
-by book of slugs.

The ice -by book of mucky things you
find behind the sink.

A parcel for Pastor Parcel, a piggy for
Piggy in the Middle, and a foot for

Grandmother's Footsteps. Right. You get
a parcel, you get a piggy, and you get

me an old lady in a large saw.

What about the bride? What does she
want?

Oh, I don't know. She's locked herself
in her room.

Oh, she's shy.

I'll go and get her.

Ding -dong, ding -dong, wedding bells.

Oh, I do love royal weddings, don't you?
They're so romantic.

Don't be silly. You've got to marry him.
If you don't, your dad will end up as a

pinball machine and you'll be so poor
you won't even have 10p to shove in his

slot. I don't want to marry him. He's
thick. Of course he's thick. His royalty

is supposed to be thick.

He can shake people's hands, can't he?
He can wave out of carriage windows and

he can do the job.

Now, what are you going to wear?

This. No, you're not. This is a royal
wedding, not an Oxfam shop.

And have a wash.

A wash? yesterday.

I don't believe this. The world's media
will be focused on you this afternoon.

Millions of women will be copying your
hairdo and naming their horrible kids

after you. You might at least clean your
teeth and slap a bit of deodorant under

your armpits. I don't want to marry him.

Right, right, Gary, Graham, nail forward
legs to Sir Walter's bottom and screw a

couple of flippers to his earlobes. It's
pinball time.

All right, all right. If there's no way
out, I suppose I'll have to.

But if the whole world's going to be
looking at me, I want to slap up, do you

understand? I want flowers. I want
bridesmaids. I want a choir and a big

marquee. I can't get all that at three
hours' notice.

You will.

You will.

I know you will.

Because if you don't, I will get angry.

And when I'm angry, there's very big
trouble.

safe and surrounded with security
guards.

Right, you two sort out the bridesmaids
and the flowers. I'll go down to the

tent shop and I'll meet you back at the
village to knock up some sort of choir.

Come on.

And you can take your jelly with you.

Morning.

Come on, eat up.

Chuff, chuff, chuff, chuff, chuff,
chuff. Look out, here's the tunnel.

Woo, woo.

I'm not hungry.

You've got to eat. You're beginning to
look like a big beach ball with a

puncture. My mind's on higher things.

Your mind is wet.

out of it. Have an arm wrestle with
Robin. That'll cheer you up. Oh, no.

I've got a squash injury.

Get on with it.

Okay, but if I aggravate this ligament,
it'll ruin the squash tournament.

I really shouldn't be doing this, you
know.

Now.

Wow.

Hey, let's do it again.

Now.

Wow.

Now.

Now. Now.

This is fantastic.

I never knew my own strength.

It's confidence, that's all, isn't it,
little Ron?

You want to fight?

Hey, you want to fight? You want to
fight?

Oh!

Oh! Now look what you've done!

There's a terrible ringing in my ears. I
think I've broken my skull.

Cancel the squash court.

I'm dying. Shut up, Robin. It's
Barrington.

Someone's in trouble.

To arms! To arms!

No chance.

Robin's head's fallen off and rabies is
as sick as a lovesick parent.

in trouble. The sheriff says she's got
to marry Guy Gisborne this afternoon,

if she doesn't, her dad will get ten
years' hard labour in an amusement

Well, I'm sorry, but we haven't got a
staff seat.

Marion? We'll have a whip round and get
her a nice present instead.

I think I'm getting angry.

How about a nice vase?

Or one of those butter dishes that says
this is a souvenir from Sherwood Forest?

Yes, I'm definitely getting angry.

And we could make her a pretty card.

He seems to have come back to life
again, doesn't he?

Thank you.

There's going to be such a wedding.
Going to be such a wedding. Going to be

a wedding.

Dear beloved, we are gathered here to
marry this woman.

What, all of us? To this man.

Oh, I love weddings, don't you?

Will the bridesmaids shut up, please?

Sorry, it's just we're a bit
overexcited. Yeah, we've never been

before. Shut up!

Who giveth this woman away?

I do.

Freely and wholeheartedly. And who hath
the ring?

Ah, ah, one moment, my lord.

What? Give me a ring.

Oh, all right. But can I reverse the
charges? The ring on your finger,

Oh.

Sorry, it won't come off.

I've had it since I was a little toddler
and the skin's sort of grown over it.

Gary, you've had it since last Christmas
when I wanted in a cracker and swapped

it with you for a rubber skeleton.

Can we get on, please?

I want to get back to my weight
training.

Yes, and I want some chocolate spread
sandwiches.

Oh, they're so romantic, aren't they?
Hang on.

You haven't asked about the impediments
yet.

What on earth's an impediment?

I think it's when something gets stuck,
my lord. Oh, the ring.

Don't worry, we'll saw it in two.

Oh, no, you'll spoil it if you saw it in
two.

Not the ring, your finger. Oh, look,
it's come off.

See? There's no impediment now.

No. You have to say, is there any reason
or impediment why these two people

shouldn't get married?

Well, of course there isn't. They're
young, single and stupid.

That's why people get married, isn't it?

But they don't love each other.

Love? Love? What's love got to do with
it? Love is something invented by

greeting cards manufacturers to sell
Valentine cards.

Marriage is about getting someone to
iron your shirt.

Iron his shirt?

That's thick insect.

I wouldn't poke around in his washing.
I'd catch green fly.

You will poke around in his washing. And
what is more, you will do it with a

smile on your face.

Because if you don't, I will fill your
father so full of holes, you'll be able

to strain the greens with him. Leave him
alone!

Why? What are you going to do about it?
Someone throw the fat choir boy out!

What are you going to do?

Call Margaret the Bachelor.

Yeah, come to me for a professional job.

They're rock -bottom prices.

Actually,

I've changed my mind. I don't think I
will get married after all.

No!

Never mind.

It was for a nice game of blind man's
buff.

I

don't

think they'll be back in a hurry.

What, you mean you've broken off the
engagement?

I'm so sorry. Yep, broken it off, tied a
two -ton weight to it, dropped it down

a coal mine and covered it with quick
-set concrete.

So you're bloodless, really, aren't you?

Yep.

Well, I wonder if I could talk you into
it.

It's OK, I've fixed it. She'll take you
up.

Hmm? Fergie, she says she'll take you to
see a family portrait.

Hmm? Oh, pull yourself together. Didn't
you hear what I said? The girl of your

dreams is going to take you to the
pictures.

Isn't she wonderful?

Yeah, absolutely mind -blowingly
amazing.

Now, you're going to have to polish your
shoes, aren't you?

Look at her.

I... I finished your roof!

Well, take the notice of her. That's
just crazy, Margaret. I said I finished

your roof!

She's the strongest woman I've ever
seen.

She's totally, totally wonderful.

Rabies, you don't love her. You love
Fergie, don't you?

Don't you?

Don't you?

Ooh, rabies in love.

Honestly, men.

Marion, why don't you carry on with what

you're doing?