Original subtitles

Oh, lummy mummy.

One's birth night away from home is a pretty horrid prospect.

Are you sure I'm old enough?

Yes, my little Coco Pop.

You're 27 now, and it's time you went in search of adventure.

But adventures are so scary.

Oh, crikey.

I've got one of my headaches, my underarms are all sticky, and I've got a

tummy, mummy.

Stop fussing my sugar icicle. I've written a letter to your Uncle John

him to look after you.

And if he does not look after you, I will sharpen a pencil and do to him

what I used to do all those many years ago when we were left alone in the

nursery.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

The gormless one.

The one with half a bird's nest stuck to your face.

What, me?

Where's your belt?

What? You haven't got your belt on. Don't you know it's against the law to

around without your belt on?

What would happen if you had an accident?

Um, my trousers would fall down?

It's against the law. Don't do it anymore.

Or the sheriff will be short, cos Bip is for sure.

I'm going to give you a ticket.

It's against the law.

You'll find one large potato.

Gary!

Don't try to whine because he'll find you a fine. If you step out of line, no,

you won't get bail. He'll put you in jail. I've told you before.

It's against the law.

What are you doing?

I'm soldier.

Where's your helmet?

Riding this vehicle without a helmet. Pull in, please.

I want to book you.

Now listen to me, son. I know it ain't fun, but you're gonna get done like each

and every one. It fits in your craw. It gets you on the raw. I know it's a bore,

but it's against the law.

Help! Help! It's against the law.

Help! Help!

It's against the... Alright, alright, what's all the fuss about?

It's my calling.

I went to the shop for a packet of mud and when I got back...

Our little Colin has disappeared.

Age? One and a half.

Well, you shouldn't have left him on his own, should you?

He's a her.

I see.

Colin is a her.

Yes.

Distinguishing marks?

She's got a big red bit in the middle of her head, yellow feet and feathers

coming out of her bottom.

Oh, the poor thing. She'll have a terrible time at school.

All the kids will call her Redhead and make fun of her in the playground.

My Aunt Joyce was a redhead. No -one made fun of her in the playground.

Mind you, she hasn't got yellow feet.

She's got a moustache, but no yellow feet.

Gary, she's a chicken.

No, she's not. She does hang gliding and everything.

Colin is a chicken.

Oh. You should have a word with my Auntie Joyce, then. Look, forget your

Joyce for a minute. Wipe Auntie Joyce clean out of your mind. Now, think.

What has got a red comb?

Um... A hen!

A hen!

Colin is a flipping hen!

Oh, a hen.

Like the one you've got up your doublet.

Exactly. Like the one I've got up my doublet.

Wait a minute.

Have you got Anne up your doublet?

No. You have, haven't you?

You have.

That's my calling. What's she doing up your doublet?

I'd rather not say, if you don't mind. Well, give her back.

No. Why not?

Because he wants to keep her.

I do not want to keep her, Graham.

I'm towing her away because she was illegally parked on a yellow line.

You want her back?

You can collect it from the castle pound in exchange for a small fine.

How much?

200 gold pieces.

Now, I want you to look at these objects and tell me which ones you remember.

A flower, a pebble, a feather, a nest. How am I doing?

No, Barrington, you have to close your eyes first.

It's a test of memory.

What is it, Robin?

I've forgotten.

Look, just close your eyes and think.

Come on, Little Ron.

Come on, have a bath.

Well,

that's not quite what I had in mind.

All we do is silly hobbies and silly games.

Craft, design and technology is not a silly game, Little Ron. It's part of

core curriculum. My core curriculum is fighting and robbing. I thought you

joined the Merry Men to become a highly qualified freedom fighter.

No, I joined for adventure.

Don't spill any cocoa on it.

So, this is it, is it? This is the fabulous wealth we've wheedled out of

people of Worksop. A mouldy potato, a dead shrew, three conkers and this

rubbishy toy.

It's not rubbishy, sir.

Look! Its head's come off.

Modern toys, eh? They cost a fortune and last about five and a half minutes.

It's always Colin, sir. Keep Colin well hidden, if you don't mind. If King John

knows we've got a chicken, he'll have his teeth rounded so quickly it'll make

Jaws 2 look like a goldfish.

Gary.

Hide her somewhere.

Shut up. I could put her in that thing under my bed, sire. You're potty. No,

not. Yes, you are. It hasn't got a lid.

Ah, too late. My nephew Guy's coming to stay.

Ah, that'll be nice for you, my lord. No, it won't. The boy's a gibbering

tortoises. And if you showed him a baby kitten, he'd hide under the harpsichord

till he had his claws removed.

I didn't know harpsichords had claws.

Killer harpsichords do. I'm putting you in charge of him, Nottingham.

Thank you, my lord. And where shall I stick him when he arrives? On the

heap with all the other weeds?

No, Nottingham. He is paying me an extremely large rent for staying here.

will therefore treat him with kindness and respect.

Give him everything he wants. Our best food, our best rooms. Oh, and get the

frilly duvet out of the

Yes, my lord. And how much are chocolates?

See? Are they? Right.

Buy him half a dozen boxes out of your wages.

Yes, my lord. Oh, and one more thing.

My lord?

If he brings his mother, hide the pencils!

And he took a little wooden horse from one of the kids.

No. And all Gladys's conquers, including the 36er. That's wild.

And the village mascot.

Not Leon the Dead Shrew.

Yes. And what's worse, he took our chicken.

Little Colin.

Yes, and if we do not pay the statutory fine of 200 gold pieces within 28 days,

she will be chopped into pieces, covered in breadcrumbs and served up as oven

-ready chicken nuggets.

How awful. Yeah, chicken nuggets are disgusting.

Well, don't just stand there. Let's do something.

Icy? And how do we get into the castle?

Easy. We divert a stream so that it runs along by the castle walls, right? And

gradually it'll wear them away. I think that's called erosion, Barrington, and

it may take some time.

Why don't we just pay the fine, then?

What? Well, she was parked on a yellow line.

No, she wasn't. She was sitting on some buttercups.

Well, I reckon if you've done something wrong, you should say, yep, I admit it,

I've done something wrong, I'll take my punishment like a man.

Well, have you got a better idea?

Come on, then, men.

Oh, great. We've got to cover someone.

No, we're going to raise some money for charity.

Raise!

Do you think we're going to get any money?

Oh,

there's an oak.

There's another oak.

hobby in the whole world.

Just give me a packed lunch, a flask of milky tea, and a day in Crewe Forest,

and I'm as happy as a sandboy.

Aren't I, Hornbeam?

Hello?

Hello, Hornbeam.

Would you like to be my friend?

No, it was me, actually.

Oh, help!

Save me, Mummy! Where are you? Don't hurt me!

Would you mind sponsoring me?

Pardon? Well, it's just that I'm doing a sponsored rob. You know, for charity.

I was wondering if you'd sponsor me. What for?

Colin's relief.

Colin's what?

Really? It's a mega, huge charity.

And I think charity's really important, don't you? I mean, why should the

government have to look after the poor when we can hold a jumble sale for them,

right? Absolutely!

I'm not sure I should give you all my cash, though. I've only got 200 gold

pieces, and it's for my uncle, because he's looking after me.

Ah. Well, have you got anything else?

Um... Spot on.

That'll do nicely.

What will?

Your hat.

Could you sign here, please, to say it was daylight robbery?

Well, um, I'll be toddling off then.

Have a nice day.

Tiddaloo.

If it's for a good cause, give all you can.

That's what my Scoutmaster used to say.

Until he went bankrupt.

Oh, baby!

Would you mind sponsoring me? Pardon me?

It's just I'm doing this sponsored job.

Oh.

Well, what do you think?

Can I take it off yet?

No, wait a minute.

So what do we do with them?

You say to people, excuse me, I'm collecting for Colin's relief. Would you

to wear a brown nose?

But they look really stupid.

That's the whole point. People like looking really stupid.

Well, I look really stupid and I don't like it. I can't breathe.

Well, if they don't want to wear one, they can buy one of these and tie it to

the front of a cow.

Better idea than your sponsored rob.

Everything's going blue.

Oh, no, it isn't. Look at all our sponsors.

Sky of Gisborne.

Sky of Gisborne.

Sky of Gisborne.

Oh, well, that's a cross -section of the local population, isn't it?

How much did they give you? Well, it wasn't actual money.

It was these.

Chumble? Chumble?

Rabies, that is so tacky. We want Colin's release to be a real media

We don't want people's old tights.

and auctions and people doing daft things for money. I know. We'll have a

kissing booth and people can pay to snog with little Ron. And we'll have loads

of stupid races.

What's the matter, man?

Quick, pull his nose off.

Oh, yeah.

Thanks.

It was hell in there.

Oh, pull yourself together, Robin. We've got to have a whole day of Colin's

relief. I'm going to have a whole day in bed, actually. No chance. You're

organising the races.

Kissing booze. I join a merry men for adventure, not snogging. If I wanted to

snogging, I would have become a footballer. Well, I told her, she would

and now it's too late.

What time is it now, sir?

Time he was here.

He's ruined my timetable. Eight o 'clock breakfast, 8 .30 prayers, 8 .45

interrogate the prisoners.

It's 11 .15, I haven't even warmed up the thumbscrews yet.

No, nobody.

It's not as though interrogation's easy, is it? No, it's torture.

Absolute murder.

That's not you knocking, is it, Gary? Your brain hasn't got Death Watch

has it?

No, sir. Because if it has, I'll have to get the man in to seal up all your

holes and pump smoke into you.

Open up. He's I, Guy Gisborne.

Where? Down here.

It's him. It's him. Quick, open the door. Right away, sir.

Oh, boy.

Fantastic.

Guy of Gisborne. Have a box of chocolates. How completely, smashingly,

wonderfully nice to see you.

Pleased to meet you, Mr. Osby's boy. You must be starving. Anything you want,

just say the word. Can I get you a little something? Have another box of

chocolates. Nothing's too much trouble for a guy like you, Guy.

Oh, good.

Hello, and welcome to Colin's Release.

Eight hours of fun, but fun with a difference.

And remember, this isn't just our show.

It's your show, too.

Thank you very much.

So, what's it all about?

Let's go over to Barrington and find out. Hello.

I'm speaking to you from the poverty -stricken village of Worksop in northern

Europe. I know.

We can see you.

It was here on this village green that a young chicken called Colin used to eat,

sleep, play games like squeak -chicky -squeak, peck your neighbour out of

That was until disaster struck because, tragically, Colin has been busted.

locked in a slammer for a crime what she did not do.

Robbie. Hello, and it's our job to raise the money to get her out, isn't it?

Yes!

As you can see, the grand total raised so far stands at...

North's gold pieces. But we've a long way to go and we've a host of wacky,

fundraising, hilarious races which are just guaranteed to have you splitting

your sides and coughing up your money.

Oh, how disgusting.

But first, the Cullens release song.

A host of your favourite forest stars have been gathered together and donated

their services absolutely free.

I never said that.

Because like you, they care. I never said I'd do it for free. So please, go

and... buy this song. I said the exposure would do me good, so I'd do it

expenses. So that the world will be a better place.

Colin, we're calling out your name.

Without your happy clucking, our lives won't be the same.

Colin, it's up to folks like me.

If we all give lots of money, then Colin will go free.

Each and every one of you, there's something you can give.

So call in with your credit card so that our chicks can live.

Call in.

You know we really care.

That's why we keep on staying.

Cause life is so fair.

This is the worst band I've ever heard.

What? Worse than Melonius the Monk and his whole deaf cowl singers?

Yes. Worse than the jelly -goggling choir of Judas the Musicator?

Yes.

Worse than you kids on the block?

This is the second worst band I've ever heard.

So that's one badger burger with chips and peas.

a large bowl of vegetable curry with sweet and sour pork and chilli con

spaghetti hoops on toast with grated cheese and low -calorie fruits of the

forest yoghurt. And a knickerbocker glory.

And a knickerbocker glory.

On to that, Gary!

I can't! The banjo burger will burn!

Oh, and I'll have a bowl of... One moment, please.

Yes? Excuse me.

Is this Nottingham Castle?

No, it's a timeshare apartment on the Canary Islands. Go away!

Here's your badger burger.

Oh, lovely. Has it got fries with it? Yeah. And relish? Yeah. And onions?

Oh, take it away. I hate onions.

Please.

Excuse me. Sorry to badger you.

No, mate, you're not badgering me.

I'm badgering you!

A knickerbocker glory.

Yeah, with an umbrella in it.

I see.

What about a Macintosh in Wellington?

No, a little paper umbrella and a curly -whirly straw that'll suck up the juice.

You wouldn't rather use a vacuum cleaner?

Here's Mr. Ofgisbourne's vegetable curry, sir.

Hang on!

I said hang on!

Sorry to bother you.

Go away!

Sorry to carry it off.

Anything else?

A chicken.

I see.

Boiled, roasted or catterled in white wine with cream cheese and pomegranates.

Alive. Alive? Yes.

I really fancy an alive chicken.

Hello and welcome back.

We haven't been anywhere.

In a moment, another wacky stunt and I bet you won't have seen this one before.

Not another charity pram, Ray.

But first, let's see how the grand total's going.

Never mind. I'm sure the money will start rolling in after this next item.

The charity pram race.

There. That's everything, I think.

Where's the bread?

Bread? Yeah, what, a chicken sandwich?

Well, don't you stand there!

And, uh, that will be all, will it? Yeah. No more food?

Nope. None at all?

Nope. Good.

Now the drink.

Nothing!

I don't think so, my lord.

This is Diabke's brawn and brain!

He's got my clothes!

Ah.

Well,

it's a pleasure to meet you. I'm a great admirer. I always have been.

Sorry about the curry.

Apparently our local Indian restaurant was having a curry throwing competition

and obviously one of the waiters didn't realise his own strength, so...

I didn't realise that you'd be in your underclothes, so when I saw this other

chap dressed in this ridiculous clobber... Well, when I say ridiculous,

obviously on you it would look fantastic, but on him it looked... Wait

Where is he?

He's gone!

And he's got my chicken!

It's him!

It's him!

Quick, the door!

Oh, right away, sir.

Is that my bread?

Yes. Oh, sir. No problem.

Clobber him!

Come on, you yellow.

If you say so.

Not you, him.

Oh, sorry.

You idiots. You incompetent idiots.

Could I possibly have my togs back now, please?

Yes, yes. Follow me.

Excuse us, my lord.

Ladies and gentlemen, with just two minutes to go, we still have a chance of

reaching our target with this jaw -splitting piece of fun, the kissing

You ready, little one?

Well, actually, he's... Be quiet, Robin.

In here, the Midlands Armour for Snogging champion is limbering up for a

marathon demonstration.

And in exchange for a small donation... He's not.

What do you mean, he's not? He's not in there. He didn't turn up.

Oh, great.

Well, that's not Colin's release on the head, hasn't it?

Ladies and gentlemen, with only 90 seconds to go, we've fallen short of our

target by... 200 gold pieces.

Thank you, Robin.

Nevertheless, I'd like to say a big thank you to all the backroom boys who

helped make today the total absolute disaster it was.

Thanks to Barrington for organising the greasy pole competition and thanks to

his Polish friend for agreeing to be covered in grease.

That's OK.

Thanks to Rabies, who remembered to turn up, and to Little Ron, who didn't.

A big thank you to Robin, who's managed to irritate me non -stop for the past

eight hours without even trying.

That must be some sort of world record, eh, Robin? But no doubt you'll break it

tomorrow.

And finally, thanks to you, the warm -hearted, generous people of Workshop.

Some folks say that Midlands people are mean and stingy.

Well, you proved today.

Marion, there's somebody using this.

Pardon? The kissing booth.

Shall I put a hole in for some money?

Yeah, I suppose so. Still four to five seconds left.

Right.

Excuse me.

Oh, look who it isn't.

Yes.

Look who it isn't.

Hello,

Sheriff. Would you care to give to Colin's relief?

What? It's a small contribution.

It's for charity.

No, thank you. I don't believe in charity. It's against my principles.

Well, of all the uptight typefaces... Will this do?

Eh? These 200 gold pieces.

No, he can't have that. This belongs to King John.

If I go home without this, he'll do that disgusting thing to me with his pencil.

Not to mention the entire content of his pencil case. Oh, come on.

Give all you can. That's what my old scoutmaster used to say.

Besides, you'd like to see them make their target.

Yes, Sheriff.

Otherwise, we'd have to make another target, wouldn't we?

Oh, thank you. Thank you so much.

And so, with just seven seconds remaining, we've raised the 200 gold

Colin's release.

Hooray!

Wait a minute. You have to give me that money now, don't you? Not until you give

us, Colin.

Uh, right.

Where is she?

Come on, Sheriff.

No Colin, no cash.

So what do we do with this, then? Find out who's got Colin and give it to him.

Good idea.

Don't you agree, Sheriff?

I suppose so.

Question is, who has got Colin?

Hello.

One chicken sandwich to take away.