Original subtitles

A boiled egg with soldiers.

That's what I fancy.

Your wish is our command, sire. Just the way you like it, sire. All runny and

squidgy in the middle.

Bring it here!

Bring...

It's probably a little chicken sire. Or a badger. Could be a badger. Well,

whatever it is, I don't want it inside my egg.

Get out!

Get out!

Get out!

Breakfast is served, my lord. What?

Breakfast is served, my lord.

Breakfast is served, my lord.

I don't know what you mean, my lord. Could you have been having a little

No, a little nightmare.

You have got me an egg, haven't you?

Bacon, kidneys, beans, fried bread, bubble and squeak, tomatoes and

my lord. But no egg?

Not as such.

What? But I have in fact moulded the bubble and squeak into an egg shape so

can have all the fun of an egg without any of the salmonella. I want an egg and

I want it now.

And if you do not get me an egg...

sit on you every morning until you lay one for me. Understand?

Surprise, surprise.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

I think I am, Lucas.

Come on.

Now what is happening? What is happening here? Why is everybody stopping?

What is happening here? There's a look in people's eyes that something's

happening here. So the villagers are stopping what they're doing and they're

viewing some incredible surprise. Now what is happening here?

Now what is happening here?

Now what is happening here?

What is happening?

Tea bags.

Curtains.

So, where is it then?

I give up. What's the answer?

The answer is it's your job to make the early morning tea, and for the 19th day

running, you haven't. Oh, I'll do it in a minute.

It's half past two in the afternoon, Barrington. If we don't get any liquids

we'll shrivel up and turn into merriment -flavoured twigs. Sorry to bother you,

but would you two mind piping down? I'm trying to get 40 wigs.

Last night you had approximately 25 ,000 winks. Another 40 and your eyes will

overheat and start spouting flames.

We're supposed to be a Hawkeye gang of freedom fighters with a 24 -hour

helpline, for goodness sake. We're supposed to be wide awake.

Thank you, Mummy Pig.

Well, Rabies is wide awake. I'm not. I'm wide asleep.

I'm dreaming I used to be a tiny little pink thing that was born in a pig style.

and a mummy pig brought me up and taught me all she knew.

And when I grew up, I became a great big pig thing that lived in the forest.

That isn't a dream, Rabies. That is what we call real.

Oh, is it?

I've done it. I've done the washing up. You see?

Little Ron's wide awake.

Here you are.

Thank you.

22 minutes to 3 in the afternoon, and what is the sum total of the merry men's

activities? One clean egg cup.

Now he's got a big yellow bit stuck to the side.

Oh, go and do it again, little Ron. And you lot... Marion!

What was that?

Someone there.

Oh, no, that's terrible.

What shall I do?

It's all right. They're friends.

Oh, I know, but I've still got my jarmas on.

Marion, we need your help. We know you're awfully busy and we know your men

exhausted. Yes, we were having a lie -in. Eh?

Three days and nights he didn't show up. So we staggered home, totally

exhausted. Is that a dream or is it what we call real?

It's what we call a porky, Rabies. Oh.

So, what can we do for you? Our egg has been hijacked.

Sorry.

I thought for one silly minute you said your egg had been hijacked.

It has.

This morning you -know -who came...

Busting into the village and nicked it.

Yeah, we all know who.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. That fat bishop called Porky.

Fancy eating his own chickens.

Honestly, that man will be the death of me. I think he probably will, sir. And

his gerbil, sir. He's eating that too. And his stick insect.

And all the hay for his horses.

And his horses. That's what I mean. Fancy eating his means of transport.

I mean, you wouldn't see me eating the state coach, would you? No, sir. You

couldn't get it in your mouth.

I don't know.

If he steps his mouth really wide... Your egg or your life?

Pardon? Your egg or your life?

No. Nobody says your egg or your life. They say your money or your life.

Yeah. Or sometimes they say your egg's on the table. Should I put a little cosy

over it till you come down? But not your egg or your life.

There's a first time for everything, Gary. And this is it.

Hand over your egg, Sheriff.

Certainly.

To you, my son.

You're great!

This is good, isn't it? Baby rugby.

And Graham is not a good pick. He's over 25 and he's off the lumbering ball

back. And he's off on a tremendous run. Just look at the face of this man.

He executes an inspired one -two with a fly -up.

This is absolutely brilliant, Ray.

But it is far -flocked. No, this is very great. The falling brain comes in.

Do you want a dummy?

Um, why?

You can buy one over there.

Oh.

He tells the dummy and goes freaking down the line. But the opposition is

him for the kill. He's going to have to kick for goal.

No! No!

No! He's got the ace with unerring accuracy under his right foot.

The kick looks good.

It's going to be there.

It looks like not a good time to get in.

Excuse me. You haven't seen the dummy seller anywhere, have you?

It got broken.

Sorry. Oh, no!

But it was the first one in our village for two years.

And who knows when the works of egg fairy will lay another one.

The works of egg fairy?

Look, I know I failed GCSE biology, but even I know that eggs are laid by

chickens. No, no, no. That's just an old wife's tale.

Yes. I'm an old wife and I used to tell it myself.

You obviously don't know much about modern science, my young girl.

I'll bet you've never even heard of Magic Land.

No, I don't think I saw it in the school atlas.

Well, that's where the workshop, Egg Fairy, comes from.

All day long, she peels potatoes for the giant sheep. And at night, she has a

part -time cleaning job.

But all day and night, she dreams of being a dancer.

That's right.

And when work gets on top of her, and she's tired of cutting chips... And

emptying the giant sheep's waste paper basket... She comes flying down to

up. And she dances round and round. Until she's exhausted.

And then she visits our chicken. And if she thinks it's getting cold, she drops

a tiny pinch of magic fairy dust by its side.

And the dust turns into a nice warm egg. And the chicken sits on it and warms

its little behind.

And this is modern science, is it?

Eggs aren't little baby chickens in eggshells. They're bottom warmers sent

the fairy.

It's hard to believe at first, isn't it?

Oh, come on.

You may scoff, but it's as true as the fact that the earth is flat.

And that at the rainbow's end there's a volcano that spews forth moon.

How much longer do I have to stay like this?

Nearly there, sir.

Just one more bit to find. Ah, there you are, you cheeky little rascal.

Hiding up the sheriff's nose all the time.

There you are.

Come on, give it a wipe first.

Sorry.

Ta -da!

One 763 -piece jigsaw totally finished in 40 minutes flat.

I think that'll fool the king, don't you, sir? Graham!

Yes, sir? There is nothing inside it.

Pardon, sir?

That egg is as empty as a beggar's bank account.

He'll bash on the shell, take one look inside, then chop you into more sections

than a Sunday newspaper.

Now, open it up.

Must I, sir? Yes. You're going to scrape all the yolk off my face and then start

again. Come on!

Ignorance is a terrible thing, isn't it, Rabie?

What ignorance?

Well, take the people of Workshop.

Where to?

The actual... I actually believe that at the end of the rainbow, there's a

volcano that spews forth Moe's custard.

You'll have to give me directions, then. I get a bit confused when I get the

Etox at the bypass.

Rabies, there is no Moe's custard.

Won't they be a bit disappointed?

I mean, it hardly seems worth the trip.

What I'm trying to drill into your thick head, but unfortunately don't have the

necessary high -speed hammer -action tunnelling equipment to do it, is the

that we can help these people live better lives.

For instance, look at their chickens. And if you ask me where to look, I'll

scream, rabies.

They keep it in the most terrible conditions.

We could help them by making a nice chicken run.

How do you make a chicken run?

Poke it up the palm of the pencil.

Barrington, I can just imagine what you were like at school.

What, absent?

Exactly. Now, we need a nice little house for the chicken.

Yeah. And then the house for the chicken after it cats, little Ron.

Honestly, sometimes I think you three are the most stupid people in the entire

universe. Well, I've looked all over the forest, and I can't find this dummy

cellar anywhere.

And then at other times, I realise you're not.

Here we are, sir.

Will there be anything else? No, just get on with it. He'll be screaming for

lunch any minute.

Quick,

you get the tray, you get the serviettes. Come in, Your Majesty. One

-range egg on its way, Your Majesty.

Sometimes, lad, just sometimes, everything goes our way, doesn't it?

Right,

before we start, let's make sure we've got everything.

I've got the roof. Great. Little Ron and I have got the walls.

I've got a front door and I've done the interior design. What?

Well, there's this hanging basket for flowers, this rather sweet curtain

a patio set and a wallpaper book so she can choose her own wallpaper.

A wallpaper book?

Robin, that is so stupid.

Yeah. Inns can't read.

There aren't any words in a wallpaper book, actually.

Oh, no.

He's got a point, Marion.

So have I. And I'm going to stick it in him in a minute. Now, come on.

Right, a mile back on the old pterodactyl face.

I'll knock and you carry it in. No, sir, my hands are all greasy. I'll knock and

you carry it in. Tell you what, I'll knock, you open the door and Graham can

carry it in. How about if you knock, Gary opens the door, I put the tray on

floor and we all run away?

Is that you, lovely man?

Yes, my lord, and Graham's got a lovely surprise for you.

What is it?

It's here, sire, on this tray that the sheriff's going to give you. Oh, thank

you very much.

Here you are, sire.

Just what you were looking for, I fancy.

Enjoy your meal. Have a nice day.

Wait a minute!

You can take the plate!

It tastes like half an apricot and a slice of fat!

Oh, you guessed, sire. We thought you wouldn't notice.

It's disgusting!

Well, they're all arranged in the health food shop, sir. Yeah, twice the

goodness and none of the cruelty.

Well, it's a bit cruel on the apricots. I don't care if the apricot had red hot

fever stuck into it. I don't care if it started crying and ran on to its mummy.

I want an E -G -G. You do know what that spells, don't you?

Um, give me a second.

Uh, is it... Erg?

Yes, Gary.

If that's the noise you make when you're loaded into a fully automatic front

-loading torture machine, it most sadly is. Now, get out!

Then the roof, which fits on like this.

Then you go to a carpet shop. Shut up, Robin!

So when you felt your hen house, you laid some straw on the floor. And then

put the chicken in the hen house, and then you feed it. What do you mean, feed

it? Workshop folk never feed their chickens.

Could that be the... They keep falling over and dying.

Workshop folk never have fed their chickens and they never will.

You'll be telling us next to give it a drink.

Yes, if we feed our chickens, the workshop egg fairy will curse us and

into tiny egg people the size of thimbles.

Did you hear that, Marion? Don't ever feed a chicken again.

I don't know. I think I'd like to be the size of a thimble, wouldn't you?

I am.

Oh, yeah.

Pretty convincing disguises, eh, sir? Thank you, Gary.

Graham, take your helmet off.

Oops, sorry.

Let me do the talking.

You can trust me, sir.

My lips are sealed.

Good morrow, holy friars.

Whither are you bound?

To Lincoln's fair city, gentle mistress.

Yeah, we're going to get some eggs for the king.

Shut up. What?

Some eggs for the thing. Oh, you know the thing, the coffee table. The abbot.

Coffee table. He put all these holy books on it, you see, and then the legs

broke, so we're going to get some more.

That's right.

Nothing to do with eggs at all. Sorry, my mistake.

Good morrow. Good morrow.

Morrow.

I wish he hadn't mentioned eggs.

Yeah, my stomach's rumbling like a volcano.

Well, come on, then. We do have a 24 -hour helpline. Let's do something.

Like what?

Like summon up the workshop egg fairy.

Robin, do you go to school?

Yes. And at your school, did they teach you where baby chickens come from?

Ah, well, you see, if you did fabric design and business studies, you

do games on a Wednesday or baby chickens.

So that's why you're so hopeless at rugby. Yes.

And don't know anything about eggs.

But I do. That's what I'm saying.

People of Worksop, let us make music together.

Such a beautiful sound shall issue forth that the egg fairy will drop her peeler

and come down to the village and dance for us.

Fetch pipes, fetch drums, fashion musical instruments on the shoulder

a pig and the stomach lining of a waterhole.

We're going to get down to some really bad sounds.

It's like trying to stop a stampede of depressed lemming.

There's people jamming all over the place.

They've got some rhythm.

They've got some bass.

These people ain't too proud to beg.

Please, workshop theory.

Don't you work on an egg?

Garthy row.

Could be the word -stopping district chart show, sir. Sounds more like a

of parrots being shaken up and down in a biscuit tin. Is this what they call pop

music? Give me a nice time any day.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Make way for three innocent holy men.

Ah! It's our three wandering friars again.

Yes, it certainly is.

Wander, wander, wander. That's all we ever seem to do, isn't it, Sheriff?

Brother Graham.

Yes, Sheriff? What happens when we forget our vow of silence?

I forget.

Oh!

Oh, yeah, that.

I remember now.

And how was the shopping trip?

Shopping trip? Oh, um... Great.

Let's have a look at your legs, then. Beg your pardon?

Your coffee table legs.

Ah, um, they didn't have any.

They'd run out.

What, his legs?

Yes. Apparently, there's coffee tables getting broken all over the country at

the moment.

It's these holy books. They're too heavy, you see. And it's not as if

even read them, is it? They just put them on their coffee tables to impress

their friends and they get covered in those little rings from the bottom of

coffee cups. And all the time, they're putting this unnecessary stress on the

legs. So, one day... What? Brother Gary?

Yes? What's this?

Belt. And what's this?

Belt up.

Exactly. Oh!

Well, if they didn't have any coffee table legs, what's that up your cat's

Nothing. No eggs?

No. No. No. Definitely no eggs. Well, that's fine then, isn't it? Right. Well,

we'd better be toddling off back to the castle.

Monastery. Certainly.

But before you go, what would you say to a little bop? Well, I'd say, hello,

little bop. No, thank you, but we friars have taken a vow of boplessness.

Now, listen.

I'd be extremely insulted if I asked you for a bop and you left me bopless.

Wouldn't I, men?

Yeah!

Ah. Right.

So let's get bopping.

The streets are full.

We're jumping dryers. If you wouldn't mind. They're so sweet. You're joking.

They ain't no liars. Be careful, please.

These dryers ain't.

Too bad, Meg.

They're happy to be back in. Please work, not Clary.

Don't you work on an egg? I think you might have. Please work, not Clary. I

think I'll spit the rest of this one out if you don't mind.

Thank you very much.

Haven't enjoyed myself so much since the day I had my verrucas burnt off. Can I

be excused, please?

Yeah, I think I might have to change my pants.

Absolutely no problem at all.

I'm pretty exhausted myself.

Fine.

Just show us your legs first.

I'm sorry, I've already told you. We haven't got any.

Not your table leg.

Your leg leg.

Ah, no. Quite out of the question. Friars never show...

Oh, Sheriff, what's the king going to say?

You messy, messy little boys.

Look at the state of your underwear.

Sorry. Sorry is not good enough, is it? You know what they do to fliers who've

got dirty habits, don't you?

It was an accident, sire. Oh, it was an accident, sire, was it? Then that's all

right then, isn't it?

You'd better have some tea, hadn't you?

Thank you, sire.

I've made you some nice scrambly egg. Out of the 375 eggs, I've squeezed out

your costume.

Thank you, sir.

You will eat the scrambly egg, every single mouthful of it. And when you've

emptied this bowl, I may let you down.

Oh, by the way, I hope you like shell, because there's three kilos of it in

here.

I don't understand.

His whole load of smashed up eggs got up to his cassocks.

It's obvious, Raby.

Is it?

Yes,

the workshop egg fairy put them there.

Robin? Of course.

She came dancing down from magic land. She danced round and round and when she

was exhausted, her whole load... Hang on.

We've been fooled, haven't we?

Yes. It was you, wasn't it? Of course it was.

You danced round and round and when you're exhausted... You're the workshop

fairy.

The workshop egg fairy. Don't be silly. Of course I'm not.

Wait a minute.

I'm not the workshop egg fairy full time.

I'm just standing in for her. You know, temping.

The temporary workshop egg fairy. And the thing is, she couldn't make it

she's babysitting the giant lamb.

So she asked me to... tell you that the rules have been changed.

From now on, you have to build a little house for your chicken and give it food

and drink.

But workshop folk never... Because if you don't, she'll turn you into little

people and feed you to the omelette monster.

Ah! Quick!

Come on! Let's feed the chicken!

That wasn't a dream, was it?

Nah. It wasn't what we call real.

Nope.

It was one of those fat bishops, wasn't it?

You're not the workshop egg fairy, really, are you? No, she can't do magic.

Marion, what a truly great magician you are.

Our chickens laid another egg.

Blimey. See?

Now all you have to do is boil it in water for five minutes, drop it in

Ron's egg cup, and you can eat it. Eat it?

Eat it?

Yeah. But workshop folk have never eaten their eggs, and they never will.

Well, what do you do with them, then? We play the workshop egg game.

What? You know, Marion, where you stand in line with the egg between your knees

and pass it along.

It's hysterically funny. And the first one to squash it is crowned the workshop

egg -wally. That's right.

And the really funny thing is, I've been the workshop egg -wally for five years

running. No, Robin, the really funny thing is, I'm not a bit surprised.

Marion!

Why don't you carry on? Clear the water.

Do it.

Cause there's a...