Original subtitles

Eat it all up. Oh, no. Not mouse pie again.

Always makes me throw up. Nonsense, girl. It's full of goodness.

No, Gladys. Full of mice.

Who is it?

The milkman.

You sure?

Yes. Not one of the sheriff's men?

No. Promise?

Uh, yes.

Hang on, then.

You were one of the sheriff's men. No.

We're two of the sheriff's men. Now give us everything you've got. But we gave

it to you last week. Well, give it to us again.

Poor things.

Before he's crawling with bloodthirsty bandits.

And they see that pie, Gary and Graham will be mincemeat.

There's gonna be an ambush.

An ambush.

An ambush.

You'll have to go without me. I haven't got a thing to wear.

What's this?

What's this? I wouldn't be seen dead in this. Well, that's a pity, Robin,

because you will be seen dead in this in approximately two seconds' time if you

don't start moving.

This is not the regional finals of come dancing.

Now, come on!

It's an anvil.

Ambush. It's an ambush.

It's an ambush.

Well, at least there's no one around to ambush us.

Now.

Righto.

What? Stand and deliver.

Your money or your life.

Who are they?

Make it your life, please.

It's so much more interesting than the money.

Yeah.

I don't want to be boring, but I think it's going to have to be the money.

I'm sorry to bother you, but there must be some mistake.

You've got the wrong forest.

I? This is our forest.

Yes. Look at the leaves. They match our material.

No way, sport.

This is my forest.

I expect you think it's your forest, because it looks like your forest with

and worms and trees and everything, but this is definitely our forest.

I think. Oh, yeah, it's definitely yours.

I'll prove it to you. I wrote my name on one of these leaves. Look.

We don't care if you've sewn a name tape on every tree in Sherwood.

As of this moment, this forest belongs to the beast.

The beast? Not the beast of Bolsover.

Not the cold -blooded hedgehog -swallowing maniac.

Shut up.

Get all embarrassed.

Not the foulest, most disgusting, bad -breath squirrel strangler in the entire

East Midlands.

I'm red as a flame and beetroot. I don't know how I can feel it.

I don't care if you've got an A -level in horridness. I don't care if he's

Professor Nasty from the University of Disgusting Things That Make You Sick.

He's not doing an ambush in my forest.

Oh, no?

Who says so?

Excuse me, do you still need us or can we go? I do.

One false move and my men will give you the worst licking you've ever had.

It's just I've got cookery class at two. It's true.

I'd get a worse licking from a squashed wombat.

So, you'll be off then, shall we?

Bye. Bye.

Here, hang on!

Right, little one, get...

It's definitely yours.

Is it?

Oh, it's ours, then.

Nottingham!

My lord.

Is it lunchtime yet?

Um, I don't know, my lord. My sundial's stopped.

Well, I'm hungry.

Get me a hot dog.

You ate all the pets last week, sire. But if you wouldn't mind waiting till my

men get back from work, stop.

Oh, not again!

I send them off with the looting list first thing, my lord. But you know what

it's like trying to loot on a Saturday morning. Long queues, nowhere to park.

Hey, Benham!

Ambushed, haven't they?

I don't know why you should think that, my lord. Don't you, Nottingham?

Don't you? How many times this week have you sent them off looting?

Six, my lord. And how many times have they been ambushed on the way back?

Five, my lord. They weren't ambushed on Wednesday.

No, because on Wednesday the merry men had an in -service training day.

Bandits! Bandits! My whole life's ruined by bandits!

There are more bandits in Chilwood than there are hares on my head!

A lot more, my lord.

And how many have you managed to capture?

Um... How many?

Well, I suppose it must be about, uh... About none, Nottingham.

My torture chamber is as empty as my stomach, and they both need filling up

fast. Understand?

Anyway, I rushed up to him, gave him a flying karate chop to both knees, and

everything went black.

Did I win?

Nearly. You came second.

Well, I think second's pretty good when you're fighting a cold -blooded maniac.

Yeah, especially when he's a professor. Will you lot stop going on about the

stupid beast of Bolsover?

He's a big show -off, that's all. Just ignore him and he'll go away.

Oh, no!

What?

We've got squatters.

G'day.

Hello.

What on earth do you think you're doing?

Moving in.

And you're moving out.

And what makes you think that?

That's so childish.

You make me sick. We've got a really nice forest here and everyone's mucking

really nicely. Then you come along with your pet lizard and a donut on legs and

spoil everything.

Now let us in.

You're just a bully, aren't you? I bet you're a real baby underneath.

I bet you're frightened.

and suck your thumb. I bet you've even got a dirty old yellow blanket you take

to bed with you every night.

Well, you're wrong.

It's pink.

Yeah, hang about a bit. All my clobber's in there, man.

And mine. My shoe trees, hairspray, everything.

And my little mauve pebble.

And my collection of earwigs.

Right -o.

25 gold pieces.

You can have your stuff back. No worries. You must be joking, man. Cough

clear off.

You're just a big, melly, disgusting bag of wind, aren't you?

I'd like to jump up and down on you until you pop. I'd like to untie your

button and watch you fly around the room like a Christmas balloon.

I'd like to... Is that a challenge?

Pardon? Do you want to fart him?

And if you win, he'll give you back your stuff for free.

Yeah!

Fight me!

Well, no, not actually fight, more sort of sit down. You know, a couple of

chaps, a bit of a problem. Thought out something reasonable.

Can I buy you a coffee?

So I can stuff it up your nose.

Now clear off before I dunk you in a billabong full of dead wallabies. And

come back without my 25 gold pieces.

Violence doesn't solve anything, you know. Come on, boys.

And I hope your blanket gets lost in the wash.

Yeah!

your helmet off, you're going straight out again. What, don't you fancy a

nibble first?

What are you talking about? I'm not a squirrel.

A little nibble of our pie.

A pie? You got through with a pie? Give it here, quick.

Here we are, sir. Sorry for the slight delay.

One takeaway pie, just taken away from a peasant. About time, too.

What's in it?

It's not kiwi fruit, is it? They put kiwi fruit in everything nowadays.

I'm not sure, sir. It'll be a nice surprise, won't it? Now, if you'll

I'll be off to fill up your cells with bandits and, who knows, maybe even

you up a scrummy pudding, too.

Right, men, we're going back to the village and we're not coming home till

looted ten sackfuls of angel delight and a roly -poly pudding.

Oh, and sharpen your swords. We're going to need a bandit to carry them.

What's that?

Probably a kiwi fruit.

Honestly, there's no pleasing some people.

Would you like a nice pie, me dears? Won't take me two shakes of a mouse's

to get one together for you. No, no, thanks, Gladys.

We'll just crash down here for the night and then tomorrow we'll go house

hunting. Yeah, or maybe check into a hotel.

Robin, do you ever listen to what your mouth's saying or do you just let it

up and down on its own? Well, I... We're totally skint.

We've got 25 gold pieces to raise. We can't afford to check into a pigsty.

Who is it?

The milkman? He'd already been.

Oh, wow. I could murder a pint of... No, this is a different milkman. This is

the chocolate milkman. The what?

He sells chocolate milk and chocolate puddings.

And chocolate raisins. And little chocolate men with marzipan eyes and

drop noses and sponge finger arms and little bits of chocolate stuck under

tiny, tiny peppermint fingernails. Go away! And this week, we're giving away

free bottles of that lovely chocolate yoghurt drink that no -one in their

mind would pay for.

Well, that's it. I just love chocolate yoghurt drink.

We'll take six, please. Well, I never missed a hood.

What a pleasant surprise.

Yes, it is, isn't it? Quick, hide.

He'll think Robin's on his own.

Marion, boy, guess who our new milkman is?

So, the whole gang's in there, are they?

Come out with your hands up, or I'll burn the hut down.

No way, Dad.

Do as he says, or you'll be burned to death.

What do you mean, burned to death?

He hasn't even got a flaming torch.

Oh, no. But he has got some chocolate yoghurt drink, haven't you? Actually, I

haven't.

Oh, who'd have thought it? Robin Hood and his team of mastermind finalists

falling for the old chocolate yoghurt trick.

Let that be a lesson to you. No -one beats the Sheriff of Nottingham.

Don't move.

This sword will go right through you. This one?

No, it won't. It's broken.

Sorry.

Brilliant!

Another triumph for Maid Marian and her merry men.

It may be, but it won't help us get our stuff back, will it?

I'm not so sure, Robin.

I'm not so sure.

I didn't flog a mouse pie to a starving cat.

Mouse pie!

That's what it was!

So to the purpose of my visit, let me show you this.

I want to make a little bargain with you.

A bargain?

You're not a hat salesman, are you? No, I am a merry person.

And this hat belongs to the vile Sheriff of Nottingham, whom we have captured

and are holding to ransom.

Oh, yeah? If you wish his safe return... You must give us 25 gold pieces.

If not, he dies.

Fair enough.

Oh, well, I'm glad that's clear. That'll be 25 gold pieces, please.

No, I mean, fair enough. He dies.

But if he dies, he'll be dead.

Exactly.

impression of a duck. It's pathetic.

Sounds more like a whinging child with his finger stuck in the door. And hasn't

he got one of those highly amusing cushions that make a rude noise when you

on them? It's...

for my duck impression.

Eh?

Wah! Wah!

Not bad, eh? It's Tuesday today, isn't it? Half a pound of lovely rice.

What's that with him?

I think it's the bang on the head.

Where's what his name?

You know, the big fat one that shouts a lot. I can't stand him. What, King John?

Yes, that's the one. I'm glad he's not here. Where are we again?

Works. Oh, yes. And who am I? Ah, the sheriff of Nottingham's awake at last.

he? Oh, good.

I've always wanted to meet him.

I'll go and make him a cup of tea.

What's he on about?

He's got a wallop on his nut. He's got amnesia. And he can't remember anything.

He can remember how to make a cup of tea.

Make that six, would you?

Ooh, a ginger finger wouldn't go amiss either. As soon as you've paid the

ransom, we'll nip back to the hideout and tuck in, eh? There is no ransom.

What? There isn't any milk and there isn't any sugar. Is that all right?

Yes.

King John doesn't want him back. Can you blame him?

So what are we going to do then?

is going to have to fight the beast of Bolsover.

You're out of your tree, guy.

Only for a few minutes.

Just long enough for the rest of us to sneak into the hideout and get our stuff

out again.

And there isn't any, what do you call it, the other stuff?

Tea. Yeah, is that all right? Yeah.

But little Ron's injured. I'm a coward.

Ravey's ain't got a clue what's going on.

Yeah, what is going on? So it'll have to be me, won't it?

Unless... Here you are, six teas without sugar, milk and, what do you call it,

the other stuff.

Oh, and one for the sheriff. Which one's he again?

You are.

I am what? Wait a minute, Rabies.

You are one of my merry men, aren't you?

Oh, what?

Is he?

He is indeed, Rabies. His name is Bonecrutter Jenkins.

He's the toughest merry man that ever lived.

And I've got a little job for him, haven't I?

So, you know what to do, do you? Yes, I fight the beast of all sova while you

get our stuff.

What, and you ain't scared?

You're joking. I'm Bone Crusher or what's -his -name, aren't I?

Yes. Yes.

No. Oh, yes.

And I'm incredibly tough, aren't I? Yes.

So it'll probably be all over in about 30 seconds, won't it?

Yes, it probably will. Come on, then. I don't think we've got very long.

Right!

I need some filling for my shepherd's pie, so I'm going to make mincemeat out

you.

Well, make my day, bone crusher.

Come on, then.

Let's have a look at you.

I don't think you'll give me too much trouble.

This isn't the Beast of Bolsover.

This is his nephew, the nuisance of Nuneaton.

Allow me to introduce the most repulsive, sweaty -armed, pitted

history of human evolution.

My very good friend, the Beast of Bowsover.

Just the stuff we absolutely need.

Farrington, get the cooking heat. Little Ron, the cutlery. Maybe you get the

blanket. Robin?

Robin, what are you...

When you say absolutely need, how do you feel about accessories?

I mean, do I absolutely need the beige belt?

And what about shirts?

Tighter sleeves are more practical, but if we throw a party or anything...

Robin, shut up, pack up and get out.

Clothes aren't important.

Now, let's go.

What do you mean, clothes aren't important?

We're the merry men, for goodness sake. Well -tailored Lincoln Greens, our whole

thing. Honestly, I don't know the first thing about image.

Rabies, would you mind giving me a hand with a few bits and bobs?

You'll be involved in a bit of everything.

Oh, no.

Sorry, I forgot the one with the studs. We'll have to go back.

Sorry.

Where have you been, you two? Why have you been so... What's this?

It's my travelling bag.

Have you any idea of the danger we're in? Any second now, the beast evolves

and will realise what we've done. And when he does, he'll throw everything

got at us.

I see what you mean.

Hello. Who am I again?

Bonecrusher Jenkins.

Would you mind helping me up, please? Only the watsit has killed me. He'll be

here any moment. I've got to finish smashing him. Where's Bonecrusher

Let me at him!

He's coming! Quick! Hide!

Hide! Hide!

Hide!

Where shall I hide, then?

Up that tree?

Yeah. Come here, you nasty little prawn.

Daddy wants to toss you on the barbie.

Oh, yeah.

You know who's watched us?

You know,

great big loaded soldiers.

Just me.

Give him a tiny bit.

Watch this.

Sorry,

I dropped the wardrobe.

Where am I?

What's been going on?

Gary? Graham?

We'll have to castle to look for some...

Bandits, didn't we? And then, I don't know, everything went... Just a minute!

Bandits!

A great pile of them!

A complete set!

Did I do this?

I must have, mustn't I?

You're all under arrest!

Let this be a lesson to you! No -one messes with the Sheriff of Notting...

I expect you'll be dead by now.

I'll miss him, won't you?

No.

Won't you miss that duck impression?

No.

What about the funny cushion?

No.

I expect they'll make a sheriff now.

I'll call myself Sheriff too.

Why?

Well, cos you'll be sheriff and I'll be sheriff too.

Not while there's a single breath left in my body, you won't. Oh, no, sir.

talking about when you're... Hello.

I have here an assorted collection of bandits.

Gary, take this one to the torture chamber, oil the gears on the spanking

machine and then wait for me. Graham, laughing boy gets no pocket money for 37

years. He's got to be in bed by four... 30 every evening and first thing

tomorrow he starts training as pacemaker for the England 100 metre relay squad.

And as for you, I've got someone you're dying to meet and I do mean

dying.

My lord, I have a surprise for you. Eyes tight shut.

It had better be a good one. I've been poisoned, ambushed in my own room.

and I still haven't got my afters. Oh, it's better than afters, my lord. It's

better than Sunday lunch with prawn cocktail and sherry trifle.

Open wide.

Good lord, it certainly is. Well done, Nottingham, that... Brilliant!

Thank you, my lord. What would you like me to do with him, or will you leave the

really juicy details to me?

Go back to workshop and loot him a slap -up meal.

Pardon? Then get us a couple of barrels of mead and two comfy chairs.

My lord, this is the beast of Bolsover. It most certainly is.

Foulest villain in your entire kingdom.

That's right.

We went to public school together.

Got into trouble for everything, didn't we?

What? Eating? Yes, and drinking, and gluing the career master's beard to the

blackboard. We were the best of mates, weren't we?

Had to be. No one else could stand us.

My lord, this man is a penniless thief.

What? Times hard, are they?

Hard as a cow pat in the desert.

Well, come and work for me. We could always use an extra couple of hands,

couldn't we, Nottingham?

Well, what was that thing the career master said you'd be good at?

I remember clobbering people.

You can train my men in the martial arts. My lord, I protest.

Don't worry, you're included.

First thing in the morning, you can go 15 rounds with the Beast of Bolsover.

You'll both enjoy that, won't you?

Why don't you carry on with

what you're doing?