All language subtitles for Maid Marian s02e01 The Beast Of Bolsover.eng

Eat it all up. Oh, no. Not mouse pie
again.

Always makes me throw up. Nonsense,
girl. It's full of goodness.

No, Gladys. Full of mice.

Who is it?

The milkman.

You sure?

Yes. Not one of the sheriff's men?

No. Promise?

Uh, yes.

Hang on, then.

You were one of the sheriff's men. No.

We're two of the sheriff's men. Now give
us everything you've got. But we gave

it to you last week. Well, give it to us
again.

Poor things.

Before he's crawling with bloodthirsty
bandits.

And they see that pie, Gary and Graham
will be mincemeat.

There's gonna be an ambush.

An ambush.

An ambush.

You'll have to go without me. I haven't
got a thing to wear.

What's this?

What's this? I wouldn't be seen dead in
this. Well, that's a pity, Robin,

because you will be seen dead in this in
approximately two seconds' time if you

don't start moving.

This is not the regional finals of come
dancing.

Now, come on!

It's an anvil.

Ambush. It's an ambush.

It's an ambush.

Well, at least there's no one around to
ambush us.

Now.

Righto.

What? Stand and deliver.

Your money or your life.

Who are they?

Make it your life, please.

It's so much more interesting than the
money.

Yeah.

I don't want to be boring, but I think
it's going to have to be the money.

I'm sorry to bother you, but there must
be some mistake.

You've got the wrong forest.

I? This is our forest.

Yes. Look at the leaves. They match our
material.

No way, sport.

This is my forest.

I expect you think it's your forest,
because it looks like your forest with

and worms and trees and everything, but
this is definitely our forest.

I think. Oh, yeah, it's definitely
yours.

I'll prove it to you. I wrote my name on
one of these leaves. Look.

We don't care if you've sewn a name tape
on every tree in Sherwood.

As of this moment, this forest belongs
to the beast.

The beast? Not the beast of Bolsover.

Not the cold -blooded hedgehog
-swallowing maniac.

Shut up.

Get all embarrassed.

Not the foulest, most disgusting, bad
-breath squirrel strangler in the entire

East Midlands.

I'm red as a flame and beetroot. I don't
know how I can feel it.

I don't care if you've got an A -level
in horridness. I don't care if he's

Professor Nasty from the University of
Disgusting Things That Make You Sick.

He's not doing an ambush in my forest.

Oh, no?

Who says so?

Excuse me, do you still need us or can
we go? I do.

One false move and my men will give you
the worst licking you've ever had.

It's just I've got cookery class at two.
It's true.

I'd get a worse licking from a squashed
wombat.

So, you'll be off then, shall we?

Bye. Bye.

Here, hang on!

Right, little one, get...

It's definitely yours.

Is it?

Oh, it's ours, then.

Nottingham!

My lord.

Is it lunchtime yet?

Um, I don't know, my lord. My sundial's
stopped.

Well, I'm hungry.

Get me a hot dog.

You ate all the pets last week, sire.
But if you wouldn't mind waiting till my

men get back from work, stop.

Oh, not again!

I send them off with the looting list
first thing, my lord. But you know what

it's like trying to loot on a Saturday
morning. Long queues, nowhere to park.

Hey, Benham!

Ambushed, haven't they?

I don't know why you should think that,
my lord. Don't you, Nottingham?

Don't you? How many times this week have
you sent them off looting?

Six, my lord. And how many times have
they been ambushed on the way back?

Five, my lord. They weren't ambushed on
Wednesday.

No, because on Wednesday the merry men
had an in -service training day.

Bandits! Bandits! My whole life's ruined
by bandits!

There are more bandits in Chilwood than
there are hares on my head!

A lot more, my lord.

And how many have you managed to
capture?

Um... How many?

Well, I suppose it must be about, uh...
About none, Nottingham.

My torture chamber is as empty as my
stomach, and they both need filling up

fast. Understand?

Anyway, I rushed up to him, gave him a
flying karate chop to both knees, and

everything went black.

Did I win?

Nearly. You came second.

Well, I think second's pretty good when
you're fighting a cold -blooded maniac.

Yeah, especially when he's a professor.
Will you lot stop going on about the

stupid beast of Bolsover?

He's a big show -off, that's all. Just
ignore him and he'll go away.

Oh, no!

What?

We've got squatters.

G'day.

Hello.

What on earth do you think you're doing?

Moving in.

And you're moving out.

And what makes you think that?

That's so childish.

You make me sick. We've got a really
nice forest here and everyone's mucking

really nicely. Then you come along with
your pet lizard and a donut on legs and

spoil everything.

Now let us in.

You're just a bully, aren't you? I bet
you're a real baby underneath.

I bet you're frightened.

and suck your thumb. I bet you've even
got a dirty old yellow blanket you take

to bed with you every night.

Well, you're wrong.

It's pink.

Yeah, hang about a bit. All my clobber's
in there, man.

And mine. My shoe trees, hairspray,
everything.

And my little mauve pebble.

And my collection of earwigs.

Right -o.

25 gold pieces.

You can have your stuff back. No
worries. You must be joking, man. Cough

clear off.

You're just a big, melly, disgusting bag
of wind, aren't you?

I'd like to jump up and down on you
until you pop. I'd like to untie your

button and watch you fly around the room
like a Christmas balloon.

I'd like to... Is that a challenge?

Pardon? Do you want to fart him?

And if you win, he'll give you back your
stuff for free.

Yeah!

Fight me!

Well, no, not actually fight, more sort
of sit down. You know, a couple of

chaps, a bit of a problem. Thought out
something reasonable.

Can I buy you a coffee?

So I can stuff it up your nose.

Now clear off before I dunk you in a
billabong full of dead wallabies. And

come back without my 25 gold pieces.

Violence doesn't solve anything, you
know. Come on, boys.

And I hope your blanket gets lost in the
wash.

Yeah!

your helmet off, you're going straight
out again. What, don't you fancy a

nibble first?

What are you talking about? I'm not a
squirrel.

A little nibble of our pie.

A pie? You got through with a pie? Give
it here, quick.

Here we are, sir. Sorry for the slight
delay.

One takeaway pie, just taken away from a
peasant. About time, too.

What's in it?

It's not kiwi fruit, is it? They put
kiwi fruit in everything nowadays.

I'm not sure, sir. It'll be a nice
surprise, won't it? Now, if you'll

I'll be off to fill up your cells with
bandits and, who knows, maybe even

you up a scrummy pudding, too.

Right, men, we're going back to the
village and we're not coming home till

looted ten sackfuls of angel delight and
a roly -poly pudding.

Oh, and sharpen your swords. We're going
to need a bandit to carry them.

What's that?

Probably a kiwi fruit.

Honestly, there's no pleasing some
people.

Would you like a nice pie, me dears?
Won't take me two shakes of a mouse's

to get one together for you. No, no,
thanks, Gladys.

We'll just crash down here for the night
and then tomorrow we'll go house

hunting. Yeah, or maybe check into a
hotel.

Robin, do you ever listen to what your
mouth's saying or do you just let it

up and down on its own? Well, I... We're
totally skint.

We've got 25 gold pieces to raise. We
can't afford to check into a pigsty.

Who is it?

The milkman? He'd already been.

Oh, wow. I could murder a pint of... No,
this is a different milkman. This is

the chocolate milkman. The what?

He sells chocolate milk and chocolate
puddings.

And chocolate raisins. And little
chocolate men with marzipan eyes and

drop noses and sponge finger arms and
little bits of chocolate stuck under

tiny, tiny peppermint fingernails. Go
away! And this week, we're giving away

free bottles of that lovely chocolate
yoghurt drink that no -one in their

mind would pay for.

Well, that's it. I just love chocolate
yoghurt drink.

We'll take six, please. Well, I never
missed a hood.

What a pleasant surprise.

Yes, it is, isn't it? Quick, hide.

He'll think Robin's on his own.

Marion, boy, guess who our new milkman
is?

So, the whole gang's in there, are they?

Come out with your hands up, or I'll
burn the hut down.

No way, Dad.

Do as he says, or you'll be burned to
death.

What do you mean, burned to death?

He hasn't even got a flaming torch.

Oh, no. But he has got some chocolate
yoghurt drink, haven't you? Actually, I

haven't.

Oh, who'd have thought it? Robin Hood
and his team of mastermind finalists

falling for the old chocolate yoghurt
trick.

Let that be a lesson to you. No -one
beats the Sheriff of Nottingham.

Don't move.

This sword will go right through you.
This one?

No, it won't. It's broken.

Sorry.

Brilliant!

Another triumph for Maid Marian and her
merry men.

It may be, but it won't help us get our
stuff back, will it?

I'm not so sure, Robin.

I'm not so sure.

I didn't flog a mouse pie to a starving
cat.

Mouse pie!

That's what it was!

So to the purpose of my visit, let me
show you this.

I want to make a little bargain with
you.

A bargain?

You're not a hat salesman, are you? No,
I am a merry person.

And this hat belongs to the vile Sheriff
of Nottingham, whom we have captured

and are holding to ransom.

Oh, yeah? If you wish his safe return...
You must give us 25 gold pieces.

If not, he dies.

Fair enough.

Oh, well, I'm glad that's clear. That'll
be 25 gold pieces, please.

No, I mean, fair enough. He dies.

But if he dies, he'll be dead.

Exactly.

impression of a duck. It's pathetic.

Sounds more like a whinging child with
his finger stuck in the door. And hasn't

he got one of those highly amusing
cushions that make a rude noise when you

on them? It's...

for my duck impression.

Eh?

Wah! Wah!

Not bad, eh? It's Tuesday today, isn't
it? Half a pound of lovely rice.

What's that with him?

I think it's the bang on the head.

Where's what his name?

You know, the big fat one that shouts a
lot. I can't stand him. What, King John?

Yes, that's the one. I'm glad he's not
here. Where are we again?

Works. Oh, yes. And who am I? Ah, the
sheriff of Nottingham's awake at last.

he? Oh, good.

I've always wanted to meet him.

I'll go and make him a cup of tea.

What's he on about?

He's got a wallop on his nut. He's got
amnesia. And he can't remember anything.

He can remember how to make a cup of
tea.

Make that six, would you?

Ooh, a ginger finger wouldn't go amiss
either. As soon as you've paid the

ransom, we'll nip back to the hideout
and tuck in, eh? There is no ransom.

What? There isn't any milk and there
isn't any sugar. Is that all right?

Yes.

King John doesn't want him back. Can you
blame him?

So what are we going to do then?

is going to have to fight the beast of
Bolsover.

You're out of your tree, guy.

Only for a few minutes.

Just long enough for the rest of us to
sneak into the hideout and get our stuff

out again.

And there isn't any, what do you call
it, the other stuff?

Tea. Yeah, is that all right? Yeah.

But little Ron's injured. I'm a coward.

Ravey's ain't got a clue what's going
on.

Yeah, what is going on? So it'll have to
be me, won't it?

Unless... Here you are, six teas without
sugar, milk and, what do you call it,

the other stuff.

Oh, and one for the sheriff. Which one's
he again?

You are.

I am what? Wait a minute, Rabies.

You are one of my merry men, aren't you?

Oh, what?

Is he?

He is indeed, Rabies. His name is
Bonecrutter Jenkins.

He's the toughest merry man that ever
lived.

And I've got a little job for him,
haven't I?

So, you know what to do, do you? Yes, I
fight the beast of all sova while you

get our stuff.

What, and you ain't scared?

You're joking. I'm Bone Crusher or
what's -his -name, aren't I?

Yes. Yes.

No. Oh, yes.

And I'm incredibly tough, aren't I? Yes.

So it'll probably be all over in about
30 seconds, won't it?

Yes, it probably will. Come on, then. I
don't think we've got very long.

Right!

I need some filling for my shepherd's
pie, so I'm going to make mincemeat out

you.

Well, make my day, bone crusher.

Come on, then.

Let's have a look at you.

I don't think you'll give me too much
trouble.

This isn't the Beast of Bolsover.

This is his nephew, the nuisance of
Nuneaton.

Allow me to introduce the most
repulsive, sweaty -armed, pitted

history of human evolution.

My very good friend, the Beast of
Bowsover.

Just the stuff we absolutely need.

Farrington, get the cooking heat. Little
Ron, the cutlery. Maybe you get the

blanket. Robin?

Robin, what are you...

When you say absolutely need, how do you
feel about accessories?

I mean, do I absolutely need the beige
belt?

And what about shirts?

Tighter sleeves are more practical, but
if we throw a party or anything...

Robin, shut up, pack up and get out.

Clothes aren't important.

Now, let's go.

What do you mean, clothes aren't
important?

We're the merry men, for goodness sake.
Well -tailored Lincoln Greens, our whole

thing. Honestly, I don't know the first
thing about image.

Rabies, would you mind giving me a hand
with a few bits and bobs?

You'll be involved in a bit of
everything.

Oh, no.

Sorry, I forgot the one with the studs.
We'll have to go back.

Sorry.

Where have you been, you two? Why have
you been so... What's this?

It's my travelling bag.

Have you any idea of the danger we're
in? Any second now, the beast evolves

and will realise what we've done. And
when he does, he'll throw everything

got at us.

I see what you mean.

Hello. Who am I again?

Bonecrusher Jenkins.

Would you mind helping me up, please?
Only the watsit has killed me. He'll be

here any moment. I've got to finish
smashing him. Where's Bonecrusher

Let me at him!

He's coming! Quick! Hide!

Hide! Hide!

Hide!

Where shall I hide, then?

Up that tree?

Yeah. Come here, you nasty little prawn.

Daddy wants to toss you on the barbie.

Oh, yeah.

You know who's watched us?

You know,

great big loaded soldiers.

Just me.

Give him a tiny bit.

Watch this.

Sorry,

I dropped the wardrobe.

Where am I?

What's been going on?

Gary? Graham?

We'll have to castle to look for some...

Bandits, didn't we? And then, I don't
know, everything went... Just a minute!

Bandits!

A great pile of them!

A complete set!

Did I do this?

I must have, mustn't I?

You're all under arrest!

Let this be a lesson to you! No -one
messes with the Sheriff of Notting...

I expect you'll be dead by now.

I'll miss him, won't you?

No.

Won't you miss that duck impression?

No.

What about the funny cushion?

No.

I expect they'll make a sheriff now.

I'll call myself Sheriff too.

Why?

Well, cos you'll be sheriff and I'll be
sheriff too.

Not while there's a single breath left
in my body, you won't. Oh, no, sir.

talking about when you're... Hello.

I have here an assorted collection of
bandits.

Gary, take this one to the torture
chamber, oil the gears on the spanking

machine and then wait for me. Graham,
laughing boy gets no pocket money for 37

years. He's got to be in bed by four...
30 every evening and first thing

tomorrow he starts training as pacemaker
for the England 100 metre relay squad.

And as for you, I've got someone you're
dying to meet and I do mean

dying.

My lord, I have a surprise for you. Eyes
tight shut.

It had better be a good one. I've been
poisoned, ambushed in my own room.

and I still haven't got my afters. Oh,
it's better than afters, my lord. It's

better than Sunday lunch with prawn
cocktail and sherry trifle.

Open wide.

Good lord, it certainly is. Well done,
Nottingham, that... Brilliant!

Thank you, my lord. What would you like
me to do with him, or will you leave the

really juicy details to me?

Go back to workshop and loot him a slap
-up meal.

Pardon? Then get us a couple of barrels
of mead and two comfy chairs.

My lord, this is the beast of Bolsover.
It most certainly is.

Foulest villain in your entire kingdom.

That's right.

We went to public school together.

Got into trouble for everything, didn't
we?

What? Eating? Yes, and drinking, and
gluing the career master's beard to the

blackboard. We were the best of mates,
weren't we?

Had to be. No one else could stand us.

My lord, this man is a penniless thief.

What? Times hard, are they?

Hard as a cow pat in the desert.

Well, come and work for me. We could
always use an extra couple of hands,

couldn't we, Nottingham?

Well, what was that thing the career
master said you'd be good at?

I remember clobbering people.

You can train my men in the martial
arts. My lord, I protest.

Don't worry, you're included.

First thing in the morning, you can go
15 rounds with the Beast of Bolsover.

You'll both enjoy that, won't you?

Why don't you carry on with

what you're doing?

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