Original subtitles

He was dressed in white and he was a knight.

That's why they called him.

He had a white horse and a coat

matching accessories.

He's not white.

He's a sort of creamy, beigey colour. Yeah, the creamy, beigey knight.

You can't call him the creamy, beigey knight. It's ridiculous.

You certainly can't call him the white knight. That's a zonking great

fibberoonie. Well, what can we call him, then?

The whitish knight.

Why can't he have a bowl of muesli like everybody else?

There's his piece of cosy. Not that it'll do him any harm, more's the pity.

can cover this lot with sulfuric acid.

He'll shovel it down our arse for seconds.

There's his paper.

I swallowed a live chicken claim. Record -breaking note.

Interesting, that, isn't it? No, it's garbage.

He eats garbage, he reads garbage, and he smells like a sumo wrestler's laundry

basket. There's his post. Oh, his library book's over, Jim. Probably eaten

One bill, couple of bribes. a postcard from Jerusalem, and one of those things

about French windows.

What is so? How about installing this attractive patio and French windows in

your castle? It could be cheaper than you think. Not that, the postcard.

Oh.

Um... Dear John, having a wonderful crusade, wish you were here, Baxter and

Swithin's Day.

On its way,

Your Majesty!

Jerusalem. That's not in England, is it? It's foreign. Who's it from?

Not so loved Dick. Ah, Dick.

Yes, you take up his breakfast.

No. I said you take up his breakfast. But every time I take up his breakfast,

that's because you know he'll be in a bad mood.

It's that postcard, isn't it? No, it is not, and I order you to take up his

breakfast.

I think it's a table decoration.

A hat and a table decoration.

That's what you've robbed from the rich, is it? Well, there's this.

Isn't he sweet? He's so sweet.

Let's go and find you a little friend, shall we?

Would you like this teddy for your very own?

No. Of course you would.

No, I wouldn't. It's really tacky.

Don't say that. You'll make him cry.

Now, what shall we call him?

Ripoff? Yes, Ripper. That's a nice name. Right, so who wants the hat?

He's in a bad mood, isn't he? Bad mood doesn't describe it. He's completely

his rag.

Oh, yeah, I reckon, by remind, he's angry, he's scared and his job's on the

line. Gary, we're going to have to give our dearly beloved visitor the biggest

welcome home party in the history of catering, OK?

Otherwise, we're likely to be fitted to the royal battering ram and used as a

silencer. Right.

Now, I want you to write this down. Yes, sire. But excuse me, sire, there's

flags and bunting and all the other rubbish people hang up when they're

pretending to have a good time. I want jugglers and fire eaters and one of

huge inflatable pig's bladders for the kids to bounce up and down on. A bit of

food. Not just a bit of food, Gary.

We're going to have lobsters in jelly, baby swans on toast, hedgehogs in aspic.

Food on! Food on!

He used that really swanky stuff William the Conqueror used when he had his

famous tea break at the Battle of Hastings, 1066.

No, quarter past 11, I think it was. And we'll make the whole thing a big

surprise. He'll have been away for years and years, and he'll open the castle

gate, and there'll be nobody there to greet him. And then, and then, oh, yes,

that's it.

Oh, that's really sweet. He'll love that.

What? How long have we got? When's he due back?

It's been Swithin's day. When's that?

Ah.

Um... Pink, come on. It's Swithin's day. It's Swithin's day. Hello.

Happy Swithin's day.

Now, let me get this clear.

My men have spent the entire morning risking torture and death in order to

provide you with hats, table decorations and soft toys, and not one of you wants

them? No.

Nothing more we can do to help you?

No. OK, fine.

Thanks for your attention.

Come on, lads. We're wasting our time.

We'll go to another village where we're appreciated.

So people realise we're... What's the word?

Rip -off.

I beg your pardon? If they don't want him, I do.

Come on, Robin.

Right, men.

Here we are.

Now, search the huts for food, then round up the little ones.

Give them a good going over with the knit comb and bring them back to the

castle. Just the little ones, mind you.

And remember, the people of this community look to us for law and order.

violence unless it's absolutely necessary.

What do you mean?

Let's face it. Nobody wants our help. We're about as much use as a reindeer at

cricket match.

I'm sorry, lad, but I'm afraid we're not the merry men any longer.

We're the miserable, unemployed men.

Never mind. It was good while it lasted. It was better than being on a youth

training scheme.

You could hang your woolly on it.

Pardon? When it was your turn to bowl, you could take your woolly off and hang

it on the reindeer's antlers.

Finding another job for you isn't going to be easy, is it, Rabies?

If only the king were here.

Yeah, he could chop our heads off and put us out of our misery.

No, not John, his brother, the real king.

What, Richard?

Yes, if he came back, things would be different, wouldn't they? I don't know,

hasn't been here for ten years. He's been off on the first crusade, shooting

people in Beirut.

He's noble and kind and loves his people. Yeah, before he left England, he

to King John, Brother, whilst I'm away, rule my subjects wisely and well. For if

thou dost not, then on my return my wrath shall fall upon you. And I shall

you a right going over.

And he's really gentle? And all the forest creatures love him? Yeah.

If he was at a cricket match, all the reindeer would come up to him and lick

him. And I bet he's really dishy, too.

All strong and thoughtful and dependable. The sort of bloke you'd go

were really in trouble.

Like us.

Us? If people wanted help, they'd go to an armless octopus before they came to

us. That's not true.

Yes, it is.

Marion, we want your help.

No, it isn't. It's the sheriff and his men. They've stolen all our food and

taken the children to the castle.

Yes, and they took my pet hedgehog and they're going to bake him in his jacket.

And it's a brand new jacket.

Well, I'm not sure. We've closed the office, you see.

There's not much call for the merry men round here anymore.

Rubbish! Of course we'll help you.

All right, all right, let me handle this, please.

Yes, good people of Worksop, we will come to your rescue. In the name of King

Richard, the true monarch of all England, the merry men will free your

from the tyrants...

Now, this is your Uncle Graham. Hello.

This is your Uncle Gary.

And I'm your Uncle Sheriff.

We've brought you here because this afternoon we've got a very special guest

coming to the castle and you're going to give him a lovely surprise, OK?

Shut up!

Now, when he gets here, there'll be no... Nobody else here at all. Then, on

table, he'll spy a huge, scrumptious banquet.

And the moment he tippy -toes towards it, you'll burst out of your hidey

dressed in sweet little costumes and you will recite this.

And it'll be sweet and it'll be lovely and it'll make our special guest feel

warm inside, won't it? Because if he doesn't feel all warm inside, he'll sack

boss. And if he sacks my boss, my boss will say... I

think

they're a bit scared of you, sir. Nonsense.

They love me. Watch this.

Hello, little boy.

That's a very smart -looking teddy. What's he called?

Ripoff. Oh, hello, Ripoff.

Tell me, Ripoff, are the boys and girls going to have a lovely time at the

surprise party?

They certainly are, Uncle Sheriff.

So tell them to wipe their little eyes right now.

He spoke to me. Did you hear him?

Well, you'd better stop crying then, wouldn't you?

See, they adore me. This is going to be great. You get them into their costumes

and start rehearsing. You come with me.

do it and say, excuse me, I've come to rescue the children. No, stop whinging,

Robin. We'll find her.

Wait a minute.

That cart.

Quick, in you get.

But we won't be able to start it. Why not, Guy? Because we haven't got a key.

Rabies, you don't need a key to start a horse and cart.

Don't you?

No, we can jump start it. What?

Look, you take these two bits of wires, right? You stick them in the back of the

horse. The horse jumps forward.

Majesty. Here is the key. I knew it. I knew it. No, it's just that we were

wondering if we could borrow the royalty's debt.

What? Well, you do want to make a good impression, don't you? Well, yes. Yes,

course. Of course I do. Yes, it's under there.

But if you damage it, you die.

It's worth more to me than you've earned in your entire life.

What, more than 87p?

Do you know how this just came into my family's flying ball?

It was given to my great -great -great -great -grandfather, King William, by a

grateful merchant whose life he saved. So it's precious to me.

Understand?

Now, I know I shouldn't say this because I made them myself, but I think those

costumes are really effective.

Now, help yourself to a couple of these.

Now, you're the littlest, so you get a big...

Now, let's do it again with the words and the movements. Only this time,

your little things, OK?

One, two, three, four.

God save our gracious king.

Oh, whoever's that?

Come on, we're rehearsing.

That was interesting about William the Conqueror, sire.

How did he save the grateful merchant's life, then? He said, if you give me the

tea head, I won't kill you. Oh, what a lovely story.

It gives you a warm glow inside, doesn't it? Yeah, like the feeling you get when

you sit on a red -hot poker.

Pizzas? Yes, me old matey. Here's the order.

Five jumbo -sized pizzas for the castle.

But we haven't ordered any pizzas.

Are we there yet?

Shut up. Eh?

Shut up, shut up for the night, I add, when the order came in.

pizzas is my trade, and what I says is... Right.

Who's ordered pizza?

I don't know. It's on here, Squire. And what I says is, if the customer orders a

pizza, the customer gets a pizza.

Five jumbo -sized pizzas with extra olives?

Yes, in the name of Joe.

Who? Never heard of him. Sorry, but you'll have to take your pizzas

But if I don't... Off you go. I can't waste any more of my precious time. I've

got a rehearsal to attend with you.

Wait a minute.

Well, they're gone.

Now, let's think this through carefully.

We came out of King John's bedroom. And you said if you'd stayed in there a

minute longer, you'd have thrown up all over his bedspread. All right, all

right. And we came down the corridor carrying the tea set.

The tea set.

The tea set!

You! Come back!

Come back this instant!

You can't have that tea set! It's worth a fortune!

Is it? Oh, good!

That again your wonderfulness?

Nottingham, have you got a sore throat?

No. Would you like one?

No, my lord, certainly not.

Gary, round up a posse. A thousand gold pieces to the man who finds the teethet.

Will this one do, sire? A posse, Gary, a posse.

Don't worry, my lord.

They'll be on their knees begging for mercy in five minutes.

Yes, how long?

Five minutes each.

Nottingham!

You've lost them. I'll take the tip of your tongue in one hand and with the

other... No, no, no, you're wonderful, Miss Wake. Please.

Don't you remember?

What? Well, if I'm not mistaken... Graham, could you go over to that bush

pull that branch, please?

What? This one?

Just as I saw. You're right.

Their hideout should be just around the... My Lord, it... I

may just add a word... No, you may not. Look, just go and get the tea set and

let's get out of here. It's just that I've been in this sort of situation

before. Look, Dick is going to turn up at the castle any minute now.

But it's just the sort of thing that... There'll be no -one to meet him.

No banquet, no tea set. It's possibly the end of my highly promising career.

Yes, but you think everything is going just the way you want it. And definitely

the end of your highly pathetic life. And then you find you've been lured

into... Nottingham!

closer, please. You!

table is a string, the other end of which is attached to a small child.

Take one step forward, I shall give the order to pull, and the table will

collapse. That tea set belongs to the National...

home again, everything's going to be all right, isn't it? Are you blind?

Look at him. He's a dead ringer for his brother.

They're all the same, these royals. Don't be ridiculous.

Your Highness, I am only a poor, rather attractive servant girl. But I beg you,

give me leave to speak.

Your request is granted.

Have you seen the poverty in which these people live?

I have.

And the injustice and cruelty meted out to them? I have.

Indeed I have. And all I can say is, well done.

Sorry? John.

When I left with the Crusades, I thought you would make a bad king.

But I was mistaken.

You have ruled my people wisely and well.

You've maintained law and order, set up an efficient tax system, and weeded out

the troublemakers.

Well, I did my best.

I can go back to Beirut now with my mind at rest, knowing that you and your men

are making England great once again.

Hip, hip!

Hooray!

Hooray!

Thank you. I'm sure he will.

There's just one thing, Johnny. Yes, Dickie?

That little creep who did the demolition job at our crockery.

How shall we punish him?

Make him eat every last piece of it? Yes!

And then wash it down with a gallon of quick -drying glue.

And then shake him up and down until it's all stuck back together again.

And then squeeze him so hard that the entire tea service comes out again, cup

cup.

Not even half! Yes, Your Royal Highness? Come on!

Tea time!

Who, me?

Certainly.

So that's it, is it? Back to the village, flogging dead rats.

And bashing my head against trees.

And being an idiot.

And making swanky underwear for stupid noblemen. What?

Do you want to spend the rest of your life... home in comfort and safety?

Well... Or would you rather live a life of danger and hardships and adventures?

I'm glad you asked me that, because I... We may be just a small band, but our

names will blaze through history like a big blazer, and we'll be legends forever

and ever. And in years to come, people will sit round watching our story on

little glowing boxes, won't they? Yes!

Well... Maid Marian and her merry men will never die, Robin. I suppose not.

All right, back to a forest lifestyle it is, then.

People watching us on little boxes?

Honestly.

Marion!

Why don't you carry on with what you're doing?