All language subtitles for Maid Marian s01e06 The Whitish Knight

He was dressed in white and he was a
knight.

That's why they called him.

He had a white horse and a coat

matching accessories.

He's not white.

He's a sort of creamy, beigey colour.
Yeah, the creamy, beigey knight.

You can't call him the creamy, beigey
knight. It's ridiculous.

You certainly can't call him the white
knight. That's a zonking great

fibberoonie. Well, what can we call him,
then?

The whitish knight.

Why can't he have a bowl of muesli like
everybody else?

There's his piece of cosy. Not that
it'll do him any harm, more's the pity.

can cover this lot with sulfuric acid.

He'll shovel it down our arse for
seconds.

There's his paper.

I swallowed a live chicken claim. Record
-breaking note.

Interesting, that, isn't it? No, it's
garbage.

He eats garbage, he reads garbage, and
he smells like a sumo wrestler's laundry

basket. There's his post. Oh, his
library book's over, Jim. Probably eaten

One bill, couple of bribes. a postcard
from Jerusalem, and one of those things

about French windows.

What is so? How about installing this
attractive patio and French windows in

your castle? It could be cheaper than
you think. Not that, the postcard.

Oh.

Um... Dear John, having a wonderful
crusade, wish you were here, Baxter and

Swithin's Day.

On its way,

Your Majesty!

Jerusalem. That's not in England, is it?
It's foreign. Who's it from?

Not so loved Dick. Ah, Dick.

Yes, you take up his breakfast.

No. I said you take up his breakfast.
But every time I take up his breakfast,

that's because you know he'll be in a
bad mood.

It's that postcard, isn't it? No, it is
not, and I order you to take up his

breakfast.

I think it's a table decoration.

A hat and a table decoration.

That's what you've robbed from the rich,
is it? Well, there's this.

Isn't he sweet? He's so sweet.

Let's go and find you a little friend,
shall we?

Would you like this teddy for your very
own?

No. Of course you would.

No, I wouldn't. It's really tacky.

Don't say that. You'll make him cry.

Now, what shall we call him?

Ripoff? Yes, Ripper. That's a nice name.
Right, so who wants the hat?

He's in a bad mood, isn't he? Bad mood
doesn't describe it. He's completely

his rag.

Oh, yeah, I reckon, by remind, he's
angry, he's scared and his job's on the

line. Gary, we're going to have to give
our dearly beloved visitor the biggest

welcome home party in the history of
catering, OK?

Otherwise, we're likely to be fitted to
the royal battering ram and used as a

silencer. Right.

Now, I want you to write this down. Yes,
sire. But excuse me, sire, there's

flags and bunting and all the other
rubbish people hang up when they're

pretending to have a good time. I want
jugglers and fire eaters and one of

huge inflatable pig's bladders for the
kids to bounce up and down on. A bit of

food. Not just a bit of food, Gary.

We're going to have lobsters in jelly,
baby swans on toast, hedgehogs in aspic.

Food on! Food on!

He used that really swanky stuff William
the Conqueror used when he had his

famous tea break at the Battle of
Hastings, 1066.

No, quarter past 11, I think it was. And
we'll make the whole thing a big

surprise. He'll have been away for years
and years, and he'll open the castle

gate, and there'll be nobody there to
greet him. And then, and then, oh, yes,

that's it.

Oh, that's really sweet. He'll love
that.

What? How long have we got? When's he
due back?

It's been Swithin's day. When's that?

Ah.

Um... Pink, come on. It's Swithin's day.
It's Swithin's day. Hello.

Happy Swithin's day.

Now, let me get this clear.

My men have spent the entire morning
risking torture and death in order to

provide you with hats, table decorations
and soft toys, and not one of you wants

them? No.

Nothing more we can do to help you?

No. OK, fine.

Thanks for your attention.

Come on, lads. We're wasting our time.

We'll go to another village where we're
appreciated.

So people realise we're... What's the
word?

Rip -off.

I beg your pardon? If they don't want
him, I do.

Come on, Robin.

Right, men.

Here we are.

Now, search the huts for food, then
round up the little ones.

Give them a good going over with the
knit comb and bring them back to the

castle. Just the little ones, mind you.

And remember, the people of this
community look to us for law and order.

violence unless it's absolutely
necessary.

What do you mean?

Let's face it. Nobody wants our help.
We're about as much use as a reindeer at

cricket match.

I'm sorry, lad, but I'm afraid we're not
the merry men any longer.

We're the miserable, unemployed men.

Never mind. It was good while it lasted.
It was better than being on a youth

training scheme.

You could hang your woolly on it.

Pardon? When it was your turn to bowl,
you could take your woolly off and hang

it on the reindeer's antlers.

Finding another job for you isn't going
to be easy, is it, Rabies?

If only the king were here.

Yeah, he could chop our heads off and
put us out of our misery.

No, not John, his brother, the real
king.

What, Richard?

Yes, if he came back, things would be
different, wouldn't they? I don't know,

hasn't been here for ten years. He's
been off on the first crusade, shooting

people in Beirut.

He's noble and kind and loves his
people. Yeah, before he left England, he

to King John, Brother, whilst I'm away,
rule my subjects wisely and well. For if

thou dost not, then on my return my
wrath shall fall upon you. And I shall

you a right going over.

And he's really gentle? And all the
forest creatures love him? Yeah.

If he was at a cricket match, all the
reindeer would come up to him and lick

him. And I bet he's really dishy, too.

All strong and thoughtful and
dependable. The sort of bloke you'd go

were really in trouble.

Like us.

Us? If people wanted help, they'd go to
an armless octopus before they came to

us. That's not true.

Yes, it is.

Marion, we want your help.

No, it isn't. It's the sheriff and his
men. They've stolen all our food and

taken the children to the castle.

Yes, and they took my pet hedgehog and
they're going to bake him in his jacket.

And it's a brand new jacket.

Well, I'm not sure. We've closed the
office, you see.

There's not much call for the merry men
round here anymore.

Rubbish! Of course we'll help you.

All right, all right, let me handle
this, please.

Yes, good people of Worksop, we will
come to your rescue. In the name of King

Richard, the true monarch of all
England, the merry men will free your

from the tyrants...

Now, this is your Uncle Graham. Hello.

This is your Uncle Gary.

And I'm your Uncle Sheriff.

We've brought you here because this
afternoon we've got a very special guest

coming to the castle and you're going to
give him a lovely surprise, OK?

Shut up!

Now, when he gets here, there'll be
no... Nobody else here at all. Then, on

table, he'll spy a huge, scrumptious
banquet.

And the moment he tippy -toes towards
it, you'll burst out of your hidey

dressed in sweet little costumes and you
will recite this.

And it'll be sweet and it'll be lovely
and it'll make our special guest feel

warm inside, won't it? Because if he
doesn't feel all warm inside, he'll sack

boss. And if he sacks my boss, my boss
will say... I

think

they're a bit scared of you, sir.
Nonsense.

They love me. Watch this.

Hello, little boy.

That's a very smart -looking teddy.
What's he called?

Ripoff. Oh, hello, Ripoff.

Tell me, Ripoff, are the boys and girls
going to have a lovely time at the

surprise party?

They certainly are, Uncle Sheriff.

So tell them to wipe their little eyes
right now.

He spoke to me. Did you hear him?

Well, you'd better stop crying then,
wouldn't you?

See, they adore me. This is going to be
great. You get them into their costumes

and start rehearsing. You come with me.

do it and say, excuse me, I've come to
rescue the children. No, stop whinging,

Robin. We'll find her.

Wait a minute.

That cart.

Quick, in you get.

But we won't be able to start it. Why
not, Guy? Because we haven't got a key.

Rabies, you don't need a key to start a
horse and cart.

Don't you?

No, we can jump start it. What?

Look, you take these two bits of wires,
right? You stick them in the back of the

horse. The horse jumps forward.

Majesty. Here is the key. I knew it. I
knew it. No, it's just that we were

wondering if we could borrow the
royalty's debt.

What? Well, you do want to make a good
impression, don't you? Well, yes. Yes,

course. Of course I do. Yes, it's under
there.

But if you damage it, you die.

It's worth more to me than you've earned
in your entire life.

What, more than 87p?

Do you know how this just came into my
family's flying ball?

It was given to my great -great -great
-great -grandfather, King William, by a

grateful merchant whose life he saved.
So it's precious to me.

Understand?

Now, I know I shouldn't say this because
I made them myself, but I think those

costumes are really effective.

Now, help yourself to a couple of these.

Now, you're the littlest, so you get a
big...

Now, let's do it again with the words
and the movements. Only this time,

your little things, OK?

One, two, three, four.

God save our gracious king.

Oh, whoever's that?

Come on, we're rehearsing.

That was interesting about William the
Conqueror, sire.

How did he save the grateful merchant's
life, then? He said, if you give me the

tea head, I won't kill you. Oh, what a
lovely story.

It gives you a warm glow inside, doesn't
it? Yeah, like the feeling you get when

you sit on a red -hot poker.

Pizzas? Yes, me old matey. Here's the
order.

Five jumbo -sized pizzas for the castle.

But we haven't ordered any pizzas.

Are we there yet?

Shut up. Eh?

Shut up, shut up for the night, I add,
when the order came in.

pizzas is my trade, and what I says
is... Right.

Who's ordered pizza?

I don't know. It's on here, Squire. And
what I says is, if the customer orders a

pizza, the customer gets a pizza.

Five jumbo -sized pizzas with extra
olives?

Yes, in the name of Joe.

Who? Never heard of him. Sorry, but
you'll have to take your pizzas

But if I don't... Off you go. I can't
waste any more of my precious time. I've

got a rehearsal to attend with you.

Wait a minute.

Well, they're gone.

Now, let's think this through carefully.

We came out of King John's bedroom. And
you said if you'd stayed in there a

minute longer, you'd have thrown up all
over his bedspread. All right, all

right. And we came down the corridor
carrying the tea set.

The tea set.

The tea set!

You! Come back!

Come back this instant!

You can't have that tea set! It's worth
a fortune!

Is it? Oh, good!

That again your wonderfulness?

Nottingham, have you got a sore throat?

No. Would you like one?

No, my lord, certainly not.

Gary, round up a posse. A thousand gold
pieces to the man who finds the teethet.

Will this one do, sire? A posse, Gary, a
posse.

Don't worry, my lord.

They'll be on their knees begging for
mercy in five minutes.

Yes, how long?

Five minutes each.

Nottingham!

You've lost them. I'll take the tip of
your tongue in one hand and with the

other... No, no, no, you're wonderful,
Miss Wake. Please.

Don't you remember?

What? Well, if I'm not mistaken...
Graham, could you go over to that bush

pull that branch, please?

What? This one?

Just as I saw. You're right.

Their hideout should be just around
the... My Lord, it... I

may just add a word... No, you may not.
Look, just go and get the tea set and

let's get out of here. It's just that
I've been in this sort of situation

before. Look, Dick is going to turn up
at the castle any minute now.

But it's just the sort of thing that...
There'll be no -one to meet him.

No banquet, no tea set. It's possibly
the end of my highly promising career.

Yes, but you think everything is going
just the way you want it. And definitely

the end of your highly pathetic life.
And then you find you've been lured

into... Nottingham!

closer, please. You!

table is a string, the other end of
which is attached to a small child.

Take one step forward, I shall give the
order to pull, and the table will

collapse. That tea set belongs to the
National...

home again, everything's going to be all
right, isn't it? Are you blind?

Look at him. He's a dead ringer for his
brother.

They're all the same, these royals.
Don't be ridiculous.

Your Highness, I am only a poor, rather
attractive servant girl. But I beg you,

give me leave to speak.

Your request is granted.

Have you seen the poverty in which these
people live?

I have.

And the injustice and cruelty meted out
to them? I have.

Indeed I have. And all I can say is,
well done.

Sorry? John.

When I left with the Crusades, I thought
you would make a bad king.

But I was mistaken.

You have ruled my people wisely and
well.

You've maintained law and order, set up
an efficient tax system, and weeded out

the troublemakers.

Well, I did my best.

I can go back to Beirut now with my mind
at rest, knowing that you and your men

are making England great once again.

Hip, hip!

Hooray!

Hooray!

Thank you. I'm sure he will.

There's just one thing, Johnny. Yes,
Dickie?

That little creep who did the demolition
job at our crockery.

How shall we punish him?

Make him eat every last piece of it?
Yes!

And then wash it down with a gallon of
quick -drying glue.

And then shake him up and down until
it's all stuck back together again.

And then squeeze him so hard that the
entire tea service comes out again, cup

cup.

Not even half! Yes, Your Royal Highness?
Come on!

Tea time!

Who, me?

Certainly.

So that's it, is it? Back to the
village, flogging dead rats.

And bashing my head against trees.

And being an idiot.

And making swanky underwear for stupid
noblemen. What?

Do you want to spend the rest of your
life... home in comfort and safety?

Well... Or would you rather live a life
of danger and hardships and adventures?

I'm glad you asked me that, because I...
We may be just a small band, but our

names will blaze through history like a
big blazer, and we'll be legends forever

and ever. And in years to come, people
will sit round watching our story on

little glowing boxes, won't they? Yes!

Well... Maid Marian and her merry men
will never die, Robin. I suppose not.

All right, back to a forest lifestyle it
is, then.

People watching us on little boxes?

Honestly.

Marion!

Why don't you carry on with what you're
doing?