All language subtitles for Maid Marian s01e05 The Sharp End Of A Cow.eng

Where is he, then? Come on, where is he?
Well... Give me two weeks, you said,

and I'll have Robin Hood and his
extremely unfunny men bound and gagged

feet. That was a month ago. And where is
he? The problem is... Well, he's

certainly not at my feet. There's
nothing there except for an extremely

unpleasant Veruca. No one will admit
having seen him.

Then shout at them!

I have, my lord. Or torture them. I
have, my lord. But the thing is, he's

popular. He's what?

He's popular.

What do you mean, he's popular?

He's popular.

He seems to have become a sort of
superhero, my lord.

He can fly the pack of panthers with a
blindfold on. He can cross the forest

swinging hand to hand.

He can do the giant thing a hundred
yards away.

Robin Hood's the greatest hero in the
land.

He's popular.

Yes, he's really popular.

So popular.

Completely, completely popular.

Do you know what they sprayed up last
week?

Why is King John like a tape measure
with no numbers?

Um, I don't know. Because they're both
useless rulers.

Are you laughing?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, my lord. A
green fly just flew up my nose.

They're brave, they're fearless, and
they can run.

To help the weak and needy is their
rule.

But the boldest of them all is the merry
man they call.

And the leader of their army's name is

Maria. She's as brave as anyone you ever
think.

She can read a map and dig a trap and
climb a tree.

He's the greatest general there's ever
been. Popular.

Well, maybe just a bit. You know, with
some people.

So popular.

I mean, not incredibly popular. I don't
want to boast or anything.

But you know they live in the forest.

Surround their hideout and when Robin
Hood comes out, clobber him. But I can't

find his hideout. You're useless.

Do you know that?

Absolutely useless.

You're as much use as a cheeseburger to
a drowning elephant.

I do my best. Well, it's not good
enough. You're fired.

Hand over your badge.

But I thought we were friends.

Friends? I'd rather be friends with a
wet newspaper.

Now, I appoint me the new sheriff.

And as my first task, I shall rustle up
a posse and go and round up Robin Hood.

You clear off!

So, that's it.

After 20 years of loyal service, I'm
cast aside like... like an old pair of

flared trousers.

Well, I don't care. You can keep your
rotten job. The pay was lousy, there

no luncheon vouchers and nobody liked
me.

In the City of Nottingham top ten list
of unpopular people, I came second.

I'd have come first if that geography
teacher hadn't hung his old class upside

down for not knowing the capital of
France.

Venice.

What? Capital of France is Venice. I
know the capital of France is Venice.

not a complete moron. And what's that
one of first?

What? This one?

The Sheriff of Nottingham is as brainy
as a dead hedgehog. Just scrub it off.

No. What?

And you didn't know that Venice is the
capital of France? You were just showing

off. Well, actually, I did, Mr
Cleverclogs, so there.

Well, actually, you didn't, Mr
Cleverclogs, because it isn't. It's

Venice is just the main seaport. I order
you to scrub that off. You can't order

us to do anything.

You've been sacked.

No, I have not. Yes, you have. For being
as useful as a cheeseburger.

Well, that shows how much you know,
doesn't it? I have not been given the

That was merely a brilliant piece of
pretense on the part of the king and I.

I have, in fact, become an undercover
agent about to go on a dangerous

Don't believe you?

Are you still here, Nottingham?

Well, I'll prove it to you.

The king and I are now talking in code.
The next thing he'll say is, well, you'd

better, or I'll set the dogs on you.

Yes, your majesty, but I'm just going.

Well, you'd better, or I'll set the dogs
on you.

There, see, see, see, not such a brain
box now, are we? Yeah, but what did

you'd better, or I'll set the dogs on
you mean?

It meant disguise yourself as a merry
man.

Flip into Sherwood Forest, find Robin
Hood's hideout, flip out of the forest

again and report back to me.

Oh. Which merry man will you disguise
yourself as?

Well, I've got a rather amusing idea.

We are totally surrounded.

There's no way out.

Any second now, it'll be curtains for
the merry men.

Suddenly, the enemy rise out of the
bushes and charge towards our hideout.

What happens then?

When they get to this bunch of leaves,
they step on them, tumble into my pit

then beg for mercy. And why do they do
that?

Because I dropped my pet rat in there.

Very good. Then?

Follow me.

And the ones who haven't fallen into the
pit, keep on going until they get to my

log, which breaks into and they smash
down into this extremely stinky mud.

Correct. Then? Oh, the rest of them
carry on until they reach this branch.

They push it out of the way and then
they fall over.

Fall over.

Where you at, man? No -one's going to
fall over just because they've turned...

Good, Rabies. Very, very good. And then?

And then, Robin?

Oh, sorry. Yes. And then they read my
sign and I'll go home.

Your sign?

Yes.

So, this is Robin Hood.

I'm afraid the Merry Men aren't
available to speak to you right now, but

you'd like to leave a message, we'll
call you back as soon as we can.

Robin, we have spent the entire week
turning this hideout into a fortress

Sherwood, and what's your contribution?

An answering machine.

Well, there'll be no point in them
staying if we're out, will there? Go

Go on.

Go and do some guard duty before I lose
my temper.

And you lot, follow me.

I want to show you our ultimate
deterrent. Now be very careful, because

thought of this... I've got a brilliant
idea.

This. Robin.

You're supposed to be on sentry duty.

Why are you fiddling about with a piece
of dead cow?

This is how I'll let you know the
soldiers are coming. I'll put it to my

like this.

I'll already have dipped it in this
bucket of soapy water. A stream of

bubbles will soar into the air. You'll
see them and say, good old Robin, he's

spotted the enemy, let's get into
action.

Robin.

Your ancestors have been on this planet
for 20 ,000 years.

They fought dinosaurs and saber -toothed
tigers. They put up with snow, fire,

flood and extremely itchy diseases.

And what was the result?

A total, utter, complete brainless
nincompoop like you that had been better

being squashed by a brontosaurus.

Now, look, I'm sick of you, Miss
Knowall. Other people have ideas too,

Who made those serviettes out of conker
leaves? Me.

Who made shin pads in case we're kicked
by red deer? Me.

My warning system is a brilliant idea,
and I'll prove it to you, understand?

I'm going straight to the village, and
I'm going to buy four horns and four

buckets, and we're all going to have
one. And when the sheriff comes, you'll

extremely glad you know me, OK?

Now, the thing is, at the foot of this
tree is a trick wire.

The rest of the soldiers come charging
up this path, and when they hit it...

Where's Robin?

Oh, he's gone to the village.

You're kidding. I think he's gone for
small bubble kits.

That man is more trouble than a wisdom
tooth.

We don't let him wander around the
village on his own.

You two go and get him.

Rabies, you stay here and keep a
lookout.

How come you know so much about grants,
then?

I've got a pen pal there.

But you can't write.

Oh, no? We just send each other pens.

OK, men, we'll start here.

Ha! Watch this.

Good morning. We're starting a
neighbourhood watch scheme in your area.

you care to join?

What do I do?

Oh, you stand and watch.

How long for?

Until you see something.

Right.

Now, come back!

What are you doing?

Well, I saw something. What? That
chicken.

No, he means until you see Robin Hood.
Oh, yeah. I like him. Then I invite him

in for a game of Subutia. No, you shout
out!

Eh? I'll shout out, come in for a game
of sofodio.

No, you shout out, look, here's Robin
Hood.

Are you sure?

Yes, because if you don't, we knock you
into the ground, nail two dozen pretty

ribbons to your head and use you as a
maple.

Right!

So bossy, so jolly, high and mighty,
just because you've got a GCSE.

There's only GCSE art, anyway. She only
got that because the examiner sat on his

glasses. Morning, snooker.

I said, morning, snooker.

What are you doing?

I'm keeping my eyes shut.

If I see you, I've got to shout, look,
here's Robin Hood.

Who said so?

Him. Who? That bloke up there.

What bloke? Up where?

Him, him.

Oh, thank you.

Ah, look, here's Robin Hood.

Oh, dear, looks like I'm in trouble.

He's here somewhere!

Wait a minute.

Prepare to die!

Prepare! Yes, yes, to die, I know, but
if you could just bear with me for a

couple of seconds.

What was that?

Sounds like a demented water buffalo
about to trample a totally innocent

But it's coming from the village.

Let's go!

I seriously think we're going to fall
for that old look out, there's somebody

behind you routine.

A devilishly handsome sheriff of
Nottingham plunged deeper and deeper

forest. Only by finding Robin Hood's
hideout would he be able to win back his

king's trust again.

But he was fearless, fantastically fit,
and brilliantly disguised as Maid

Marian. Like some primitive hunter, his
feet made no sound.

His hawk -like eyes instantly recognised
the smallest signs of danger. With his

cat -like tread, he leapt from...

Tender nicely.

Yes! Yes!

Right, up you come.

It's you.

Yes, yes, it's me, I'm afraid.

That was all a trick, then. Yes, I'm
afraid it was, but it didn't work, did

No, as I saw through it, didn't I? As
soon as I heard that, ah, I thought,

hello, that's not an enemy.

That's Marion putting on a silly voice.

Of course.

I'm Marion, aren't I?

I hope so. I mean, who do you think you
are? The Sheriff of Nottingham?

What a ridiculous thought. Of course
not. I haven't been the Sheriff of

Nottingham for ages. Well, all my life,
actually.

Right, well, I'd better get back to our
secret hideout now.

Where is it again? Don't you know?

Oh, yes, of course I do. But I'm just
testing your memory.

It's this way, isn't it?

No. It's this way.

Nearly had you there, didn't I? Yeah.

Oh, and be careful of the what's it?

What's it? What's that again?

That wobbly log.

Correct. And then I go... Up there, past
the branch with the boxing glove on the

end of it. Oh, and don't trip over the
trip wire, will you? Of course not.

Bye.

How did you do that?

Do what?

Split in two like that. I haven't split
in two.

Yes, you have. Your front's there and
your back's behind that bush.

It's not behind that bush. It's behind
my front. Look.

A miracle.

You've got two behinds. No, she hasn't.
I swapped her round. Another miracle.

That wasn't me speaking. It was you.

Yes, me.

Sorry.

That is not my behind, Rabies. I am
Marion. That is the Sheriff of

Tie him up and take him to the camp.

Wait! Don't listen to her. It's all
lies.

I am Marion.

Hey!

How do you do that?

Do what?

Split in two like that.

I haven't split in two. This is me and
this is the Sheriff of Nottingham

a dress and pretending to be my behind.

How did you do that?

Before you ask, this one's me and that
one isn't. It's Little Ron. No, Robin,

it's the Sheriff of Nottingham. He's
been captured.

Yes, Robin, well observed.

King John and his men are going to take
him to the torture chamber and do

disgusting things to him with bits of
machinery.

So, one of your men has been captured,
has he?

Well, it won't be long before you join
him. Why?

Because my men will be here at any
minute.

You mean they know you're in the forest?

Yes. Dressed in these clothes?

Yes.

I have an idea.

Sheriff, would you mind if I borrowed
something from you?

What? This.

Now I want some answers.

And if I don't get them, your life won't
be worth living.

What's your name? Excuse me, my lord,
but I think it's Little Ron.

Why? Because his mum called him Ron and
he's very little.

Well, Little Ron.

By the time I'm finished with you, your
mum will be calling you enormously

gigantic, Ron.

What, are you going to feed him up with
spaghetti and stuff?

Nope.

I'm going to tie him to the rack and
stretch him till he's so long we'll be

to run a flag up him on my birthday.

One moment, my lord.

Before you take this humble peasant to
the torture chamber, I have important

news. Who are you?

It is I, my lord, the sheriff of
Nottingham.

...found the secret headquarters of that
infamous band, the Merry Men.

We're dressed in a frock? Yes. I
disguise myself as a highly attractive,

intelligent young woman.

Well, it's a rotten disguise.

Now, where are these Merry Men?

They are hidden in a forest fortress
surrounded by a highly complex security

system, obviously designed by some
brilliant general.

And where is this fortress?

There's no time to waste. Follow me.

So, she's going to lure them here,
pretending to be me, is she? Yep. Then

be chopped to pieces.

No, we won't. Because even if they dodge
the traps, our lookouts will be

waiting. Oh, yeah?

And how are they going to give the
warning?

Easy.

They'll... Um... Um... I hadn't thought
of that, had you?

They'll use these.

Take these buckets, take these horns,
and the moment you see the enemy, you

what to do. Yes, we know what to do.

Rabies, stay here and guard the sheriff.

Barrington, follow me.

What a marvellous life, eh?

Good job being a merry man, is it? Yeah.

Much competition?

Oh, yeah. It's a crossword competition.

I guess the weight of the cake
competition.

That thing with his loads of eggshells
in the sand and he has to guess which

one's the real egg.

Fascinating.

Do you need any special skills?

You need a big stick for whacking
people.

Yes, I suppose you would.

And you have to be good at tying knots.

And, um, untying them, I suppose.

I've never tried.

I mean, for instance, just to take an
example right out of the blue, what

this one?

Yes,

it's just round the bend. King John!

So let's hope there's nothing.

Look out on guard!

At last!

last the moment I've been waiting for.
At last, I'm going to smash Robbie Hood

and his merry men.

Excuse me.

What was that?

A merry band practice?

Then we've caught them completely
unawares.

Nottingham, lead the charge.

Who? Go on, man.

Charge! Charge! Charge!

Because she is not who you think she is.
She is Maid Marian, one of my merry

men. Robin Hood!

One of whose merry men?

You cunning swine! So this was all your
idea, was it? Yes, actually. I waited

until you were almost honest, and then
with this I summoned my robber band.

I don't believe you. Why? Because robber
bands haven't been invented yet.

So, Robin Hood, I'm in your power.

What is it you want?

Pardon? You want a pardon.

No, I want...

Um, well, um, what is it again, Marion?

We want our freedom. We want a land free
from poverty and tyranny, where

everyone is equal regardless of race,
colour or creed. We want adequate

facilities. We want to stop biting our
fingernails. We want Notts County in the

First Division. We want... Ow!

You again!

Yes!

Me again.

How did you do that?

Do what, my lord?

Split yourself in two like that.

I haven't split in two, my lord. I am
the sheriff of Nottingham, and this

damsel who is totally in my power is
Maid Marian.

But you haven't got a beard!

Oh, yes, I have, my lord.

Good.

Now tell the many men you'll kill her
unless they set me free. Just one small

thing, my lord.

My job.

What? Do I get my job back?

Yes, yes.

And just get me out of here.

Plus a small increase in wages to cover
the cost of my frocks? All right.

Now get up with it.

Throw down your bows.

Now, back off up that path.

Oh, not that path.

We have to.

Oh, come on. Honestly, sometimes you
make a really big fuss over nothing.

It's been one of those days, really,
hasn't it?

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