All language subtitles for Maid Marian s01e04 The Miracle Of St Charlene

See anyone yet?

No. What, no tax collectors?

No. No greedy bishop with your goblet
stuffed up his cassock? No.

No incredibly wealthy merchant we can
hold up and give all his money to the

who'll be so grateful to us they'll give
us loaves of homemade bread and write

ladybird books about our heroic deeds?

No, no one.

Check that cow.

What cow?

Oh, the one with six legs and no egg.

Rabies.

We have been here for three and a half
hours.

During that time, you have seen a cow
with a tree growing out of its head,

turned out to be a stag, a small flying
cow with a mouth between its teeth,

which was actually an owl, and now you
tell us you can see... A cow with six

legs and no head. He's right.

Where? There.

That's no cow rabies. That's our ticket
to riches and glory.

Oh, this pass was absolutely killing me.

I'm not moving another step till I've
had a rest.

Oh, that's better.

Eight miles we've walked.

Boring old road.

Boring old trees.

Boring old road work.

I don't know why we bother, do you?

Because it's the way home.

Graham, I know it's the way home. I have
actually used this road on at least 8

,000 previous occasions.

I've suddenly been struck by a lot of,
what do you call it? Memory? Yes,

I'm just saying I'm fed up with... No,
don't put it down.

I've had my rest.

Anyway, it's dangerous round here. Yeah?

You mind toot on a hedgehog?

Indeed you might, Gary.

I'll get shot through the head by an
arrow.

Although in your case, even the great
Robin Hood would find himself hard

-pressed to find such a tiny target.

Come on, let's get out of here. If Robin
Hood does see us, he'll only think up

some brilliant plan to nick our parcels.

Then we'll train a pack of moles to
tunnel under the river for us, climb

the tunnel in our tiger costumes, burst
out the other side, say boo, and they'll

all run off frightened and we'll grab
the parcel.

How long will it take to train these
moles? Why?

We have about 30 seconds and they'll
have gone.

Oh, no.

It's all right, mastermind. Here comes
Rabies with the boat.

Grab your weapons and let's go.

Over here, Rabies. Quick as you can.
They're getting away.

spotted. I'd have missed it if you
hadn't said.

So, just because we can't get across the
river, the ferret of flipping old

Nottingham gets home safely with his
parcel.

You know how to do something about this.

My lord, I have tragic news.

The Duke of Dagenham is dead.

I said, your uncle, the Duke of
Dagenham, is dead.

Good! But he died alone in terrible
agony.

Well, that served the old skinflint
right.

He had money. Tons of it.

Do you know what he used to give me for
Christmas?

A snowball.

Well, he seems to have regretted his
meanness on his deathbed, my lord.

Bring in the parcel.

What parcel?

It's stuck. The parcel your uncle left
you in his will.

We can't get it out of the corner.

Well, try.

Sign here, please.

What is it? No idea, my lord.

Well, come on, open it up.

Certainly, sir, certainly. Right, men,
get to work as quick as you can.

I like parcels so good, they're
exciting.

Yeah? There might be an animal inside.

No, we'd have heard it. It would have
gone woof or something.

Not if it was a tortoise. It might have.

I used to have a tortoise that went
woof. Yeah? What was it like?

Black and white, and it rounded up
sheep.

Oh, a sheep tortoise.

It is a tortoise, I'm sure. Right.

What shall we call it?

Mansel. That's a good name for a
tortoise.

There you are, my lord.

Would you like to open your tortoise
yourself?

Don't be stupid.

Look, it's all floppy.

Tortoises don't do this, do they? Not
the ones that survive, my lord. No, it's

obviously something more valuable than a
tortoise. A golden robe, perhaps, or...

priceless tapestry or... A hot water
bottle?

Is it it?

Is this the reward I get for all the
years of love and care I gave that

miserable, tight -fisted, hannock -faced
old penny pincher?

I'll bet that was his best hot water
bottle, my lord.

I'll bet he took it to bed with him
every night.

I take a cup of cocoa to bed with me
every night, but I wouldn't leave it to

King of England.

That's because you are the King of
England.

Yes, I am, aren't I?

People shouldn't treat me like this,
should they? No, my lord, they certainly

should not. They should give me huge
amounts of cash, shouldn't they? Yes, my

lord, they certainly should. And you're
going to get it for me, aren't you? Yes,

my lord, I... What?

You will go down to the village and you
will sell this thing, and not only will

you sell it, you will sell it for 50
gold pieces.

But, my lord... And if you fail, I will
cut you up into very thin strips and

weave you into a waste paper basket.

Understand?

God! Got to get across, got to get
across, got to get across, got to get

got to get across, got to get across,
got to get across, got to get across,

to get across, got to get across. The
merry men shut their eyes and scratched

their heads and started thinking.

The problem was to get across the river
without thinking.

They wanted to steal from the really
rich, but the river was deep and wide.

And the road from the village to King
John Carville lay on the other side.

They thought of wearing wings of leaves
and things so they could fly. They

thought of making cats to shoot them
through the sky.

Then the boldest merry man had the
brainiest brainwave yet. I know how to

the gang across without them getting
wet.

that you can bring.

Fetch nails and screws and hammers.
Fetch me fellers, pegs and strings.

We'll build a mighty bridge with wooden
sets and handrails for it. And folks

will come from miles around and all join
in the chorus.

Gotta get across, gotta get across,
gotta get across, gotta get across,

get across, gotta get across, gotta get
across, gotta get across, gotta get

across, gotta get across.

Gotta get across, gotta get... Wait a
minute. Why does the music stop, please?

Because we've finished.

You've finished?

Oh, great.

Come on, let's have a look.

Good.

Oh, very good.

Good.

Wait a minute.

Robin, I told you to build a bridge.

What you've built is a diving board.

We ran out of wood.

A forest.

So where do we get more wood from?

A woodshop.

Why not try trees, Robin?

Because you said 20. You said fetch 20
sturdy pine trees and we use them all

I just meant 20 -ish. It's the words of
a song, for goodness sake.

You don't have to worry about the exact
number.

If I said I wanted 4 and 20 blackbirds
baked in a pie and you had 26, you

wouldn't leave 2 out, would you? You'd
bung them all in. No, I wouldn't. It'd

cruel.

Their little feet should all get clogged
up with pastry.

Raby, what's thick in chopped down
trees?

Um, meat. Correct.

So take this up and go and get chopping,
OK?

What are you lot going to do?

We're going fishing.

I'm exhausted.

I haven't felt so knackered since I ran
the Stoke -on -Trent marathon.

You didn't run the Stoke -on -Trent
marathon. We carried you.

How are you going to get any money out
of this lot, sire?

They're penniless.

Look at their clothes. Oi, that's my
best jacket.

Shh, just you watch.

You are looking at a man who could sell
veal cutlets to a vegetarian.

Gather round, gather round.

I have some exciting news for you.

Bit chilly today, Al?

Shut legs and runny noses. A few nasty
cold sores dangling from the lips. Well,

don't worry. By the end of the day,
you'll be so warm, you'll think you're

the Costa Brava.

Oh, no. Not another double glazing
salesman. Certainly not. What I've got

you is better than double glazing. What
I've got for you is the finest central

heating system known to humankind.

The holy hot water bottle of St.
Charlene.

The what?

Surely you know the story of the blessed
Charlene and her blessed hot water

bottle. No.

Really? I don't either, sire.

Then I'll tell you.

Once upon a time, in the days when poor
people didn't have all the little

luxuries that you lot have got, there
lived a humble fishmonger called Saint

Charlene. One cold night, as she was
walking through the forest with her

she was set upon by hungry weasels.

Spare me! Spare me! Bear me, she cried,
for I am but a scraggly old woman.

But the weasels just grinned evilly and
got out their knives and forks. Well, if

you're that hungry, she cried, take my
fish instead.

No, no, no, shouted the weasels. We hate
fish.

It's got bones in.

This fish hasn't, replied the saint.

All fish has got bones in, said the
weasels.

Grown -ups just pretend it hasn't to get
their children to eat it.

But the weasels just leapt on her to
devour her.

Well, if you won't take my fish, then
take from me the most precious thing

I possess, said the saint.

And she took out her hot water bottle
from the place where she always kept it

cold nights, and she gave it to the
weasels, and, lo, it did warm them, and

were exceeding glad, and they went on
their way rejoicing.

And even to this very day, whenever poor
folk gather round it, the holy hot

water bottle of St.

Charlene stays hot. Yea, even unto the
morning, when water bottles are usually

cold and floppy, the holy hot water
bottle stays as hot as a prawn

vindaloo.

It was lovely.

Can we have another one?

We're not here to tell these people
stories, Graham. We are here to give

the holy hot water bottle of St.
Charlene.

Give it to us? Yes.

In return for the ridiculously small sum
of 55 gold pieces, the

holy hot water bottle will be yours
forever.

But we haven't got 55 gold pieces.

We haven't got... Any gold pieces?

We've got some mud.

Would 55 pieces of mud do?

No, it would not.

Seems very good mud.

I don't care if it's the best behaved
mud in Sherwood. I want gold pieces.

But where do we get them from?

I don't know. Set up a charity.

Get some minstrels to play a benefit
concert for you. No one's ever done that

before. Yeah?

You could call it first aid.

But suppose we don't raise enough?

Then I'll burn your village down.

Good afternoon.

Where are we going, sire?

Home. But home's that way. I'm taking a
short cut.

I've got blisters the size of baby
tomatoes.

And don't look at me like that.

I know these woods like the back of my
hand.

What do we do with all this stuff when
we've nicked it?

We keep it.

No, we do not keep it. We give it to the
poor.

What? All the jewels and the crowns and
the furs and the diamond necklaces?

Most of it. A quarter?

Uh -huh. A third?

Done.

Oh, almost there.

Almost there.

Oh, my baby tomatoes are the size of
grapefruit. Oh, here, sire. Rest them on

blessed St. Charlene's blessed hot water
bottle. For the last time, Gary, St.

Charlene is just a myth.

A silly, stupid myth. I thought she was
quite sensible, really.

Thank goodness for my unerring sense of
direction, eh? We've cut off miles.

Do you know which way home is, Graham?

Yeah, it's across that river and over
that little hill. That's right, across

that river and over the... Oh, no!

There's a river there!

Who's put up... Honestly, you turn your
back for five minutes and...

Wait a minute!

What is that?

It's a centipede. What is?

Well, that funny little brown thing
crawling up that half a bridge.

It was the half a bridge I was referring
to, Graham, not some stupid dead

centipede. Oh, it's not dead.

You're wrong.

Now, all we need is some ignorant
peasant to chop down a tree for us, lay

across that bridge, and then we can get
across... This is our lucky day, lads.

Peasant!

What have you got there? Let's have a
look.

It's a tree, isn't it? How many times do
I have to tell you people you do not

bring trees into the forest without my
permission? If you want to play with

trees, you play with them at home.

So now, I'm going to have to confiscate
it.

Bring it up here, please.

I don't think that's a very good idea.

We are not interested in what you think,
boy. Just bring it up here.

It's just that I... Right, men, let's
take his tree and bring it up here. And

you, one more squeak and you'll be
suspended.

By the neck from the end of this bridge.

Well, you still don't want to be
difficult or anything, but... Oh,

now look what you've done.

Sorry.

Sorry is not good enough, is it?

But you wanted me to bring this up
there.

Yes. Well, it's a bit heavy, see?

So? Well, look, let me show you what I
was thinking.

What I was thinking was that a big,
heavy tree like this might make the

break.

There you go, bro.

You can't fall in the water.

I'm always right.

Help! Help!

I've lost my bottle!

It's all right. Everybody loses their
bottle when they learn it to swim.

But you get used to it.

What's that noise?

Only some soldiers.

Soldiers? What are they doing?

Having a little swim. Look, you can see
their metal bathing trunks.

Oh. I've got a bite.

It looks like a hot water bottle. A hot
water bottle fish. We caught a hot water

bottle fish. So that's how they make hot
water bottles.

Gosh, that's really cruel.

Shall we eat it?

Congratulations, lads. Looks like we've
finally stolen something.

A stinky old hot water bottle.

That's really going to get us in the
history books, isn't it?

Made Marian and her merry hot water
bottle feed.

What shall we do with it, then? Well,
we'll have to give a third of it to the

poor. Which third?

Let's give all of it to the poor.

Stunning piece of generosity, Robin.

Thank you.

There you are.

Now go and find a poor person who wants
the hot water bottle and give it to

them.

And the water was dragging me down and
my helmet was jammed over my eyes and my

scabbard got caught in my tights and
kept poking me up the trouser leg.

Hello? Are there any poor people
anywhere, please?

Hello? Over here.

We've fallen in the water.

Poor Graham, he's freezing cold.

Oh, is he really?

Do you think he'd like something to warm
him up?

I'm sure he would. That's awfully kind
of you. There you are, then. A present

from Robin Hood and my merry men.

I dip it in batter and fry it for you.

Why are you dripping all over my floor
like an extremely unattractive mermaid?

My lord, I've been attacked by an
ignorant peasant. I've lost two of my

men. I've got water in my hat. I've got
a gudgeon in my doublet, a funny

lumpy thing in my tights. But did you
sell the hot water bottles? No, we lost

in the... Oh, the water bottle. Yes,
we've completely and utterly sold the

water bottle.

Completely. For 50 gold pieces?

Yes, for 50 gold pieces. Well, I haven't
actually got the money on me at this

precise moment, but you'll get it
before...

Before I start making a new waste paper
basket.

Exactly. And stop fiddling with your
tape!

I'm sorry, my lord. It's just that this
second parcel from your uncle, which I

didn't give you at the same time as the
first parcel, because if you get all

your presents at once, then the
excitement's over so quickly, isn't it?

burbling! Give it here!

No one ever found out where I kept my
money, but I held it tight every night.

I leave you my hot water bottle. May it
keep you warm for years to come. Love,

Uncle Dagenham.

exactly the word. Don't sell it! I
forbid you to sell it!

There's a fortune in that water bottle.

Get it back before tea time and a tenth
of it will be yours.

Butty, Butty.

Butty, Butty, come to Daddy.

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come
on, come on, come on, come on.

Someone's nicked it, haven't they?

Honestly, people will nick anything.

in this river, you see.

And not that it's got any money in it or
anything. It's just that it belongs to

a friend of mine who's over here on the
freight exchange.

And she's going back to Monte Carlo
tomorrow, so obviously she'll need her

water bottle, or what I so low showed,
as she calls it. Not that I'd expect you

to do something for nothing, but I've
got this brand new and open box of

licorice all sorts here, plus a purse
containing...

All the money I possess in the world,
which is approximately 47p.

So if you find the old potty -potty and
wouldn't mind returning it, then I'd be

very happy if you... Ah!

Surprise, surprise.

What are you doing here? I thought you
were dead.

Obviously it was just a beautiful dream.

Did you say you wanted a hot water
bottle?

Yes, but not any old hot water bottle,
you fool.

Will this one do?

No, it will not. I need to... You little

darling. And I didn't even have to give
away my... Wait a minute.

Where have they gone?

Who's nicked my all sorts?

Success, my lord!

Success. Prepare for more riches than
you ever dreamt of.

Right, let's get counting.

I'll buy myself an amusement arcade and
a big games room with a bowling alley

and a horse, a GTX one with a black
leather saddle and a pair of designer

and a huge... What is that?

I think it's an acorn, my lord.

An acorn?

in a pot and grow a little tree.

Get out of my sight, all of you, and
take this horrible thing with you. I

never want to see it again.

Does that mean we can keep it? Keep
what?

The hot water bottle.

Graham, if I ever hear you mention hot
water bottles again, I will coat one in

butter and jam and make you eat it,
understand?

Yes, sir.

I think we can keep it.

I don't understand.

Definitely the right bottle.

Wait a minute.

How did you get it back again?

Robin Hood gave it to me.

Robin Hood!

I might have known.

Well, that was a brilliant day for
robbing. Did you hear about Maid Marian

her incredibly successful robber band?

No? What did they steal?

One hot water bottle, 47p and a packet
of licorice all sort.

And they weren't unopened. The sheriff
had eaten all the best ones.

What? The ones with those little bubbly
blue bits on? Yeah.

What a day.

Well, at least we got the thousand gold
pieces.

Am I dreaming, or did Robin just say,
well, at least we've got the thousand

pieces? Yes, the thousand gold pieces
that were in the sheriff's hot water

bottle. Robin!

I took them out before I gave it back.
That was the right thing to do, wasn't

it? Robin!

Well, I could give them back too, but it
seems a bit of a waste, doesn't it?

You're learning, Robin, aren't you?
You're really learning.

Am I?

Robin Hood.

I think we're going to make an outlaw
out of you after all.

Oh, good -o.

Marion.

Why don't you carry on with what you're
doing?