Original subtitles

See anyone yet?

No. What, no tax collectors?

No. No greedy bishop with your goblet stuffed up his cassock? No.

No incredibly wealthy merchant we can hold up and give all his money to the

who'll be so grateful to us they'll give us loaves of homemade bread and write

ladybird books about our heroic deeds?

No, no one.

Check that cow.

What cow?

Oh, the one with six legs and no egg.

Rabies.

We have been here for three and a half hours.

During that time, you have seen a cow with a tree growing out of its head,

turned out to be a stag, a small flying cow with a mouth between its teeth,

which was actually an owl, and now you tell us you can see... A cow with six

legs and no head. He's right.

Where? There.

That's no cow rabies. That's our ticket to riches and glory.

Oh, this pass was absolutely killing me.

I'm not moving another step till I've had a rest.

Oh, that's better.

Eight miles we've walked.

Boring old road.

Boring old trees.

Boring old road work.

I don't know why we bother, do you?

Because it's the way home.

Graham, I know it's the way home. I have actually used this road on at least 8

,000 previous occasions.

I've suddenly been struck by a lot of, what do you call it? Memory? Yes,

I'm just saying I'm fed up with... No, don't put it down.

I've had my rest.

Anyway, it's dangerous round here. Yeah?

You mind toot on a hedgehog?

Indeed you might, Gary.

I'll get shot through the head by an arrow.

Although in your case, even the great Robin Hood would find himself hard

-pressed to find such a tiny target.

Come on, let's get out of here. If Robin Hood does see us, he'll only think up

some brilliant plan to nick our parcels.

Then we'll train a pack of moles to tunnel under the river for us, climb

the tunnel in our tiger costumes, burst out the other side, say boo, and they'll

all run off frightened and we'll grab the parcel.

How long will it take to train these moles? Why?

We have about 30 seconds and they'll have gone.

Oh, no.

It's all right, mastermind. Here comes Rabies with the boat.

Grab your weapons and let's go.

Over here, Rabies. Quick as you can. They're getting away.

spotted. I'd have missed it if you hadn't said.

So, just because we can't get across the river, the ferret of flipping old

Nottingham gets home safely with his parcel.

You know how to do something about this.

My lord, I have tragic news.

The Duke of Dagenham is dead.

I said, your uncle, the Duke of Dagenham, is dead.

Good! But he died alone in terrible agony.

Well, that served the old skinflint right.

He had money. Tons of it.

Do you know what he used to give me for Christmas?

A snowball.

Well, he seems to have regretted his meanness on his deathbed, my lord.

Bring in the parcel.

What parcel?

It's stuck. The parcel your uncle left you in his will.

We can't get it out of the corner.

Well, try.

Sign here, please.

What is it? No idea, my lord.

Well, come on, open it up.

Certainly, sir, certainly. Right, men, get to work as quick as you can.

I like parcels so good, they're exciting.

Yeah? There might be an animal inside.

No, we'd have heard it. It would have gone woof or something.

Not if it was a tortoise. It might have.

I used to have a tortoise that went woof. Yeah? What was it like?

Black and white, and it rounded up sheep.

Oh, a sheep tortoise.

It is a tortoise, I'm sure. Right.

What shall we call it?

Mansel. That's a good name for a tortoise.

There you are, my lord.

Would you like to open your tortoise yourself?

Don't be stupid.

Look, it's all floppy.

Tortoises don't do this, do they? Not the ones that survive, my lord. No, it's

obviously something more valuable than a tortoise. A golden robe, perhaps, or...

priceless tapestry or... A hot water bottle?

Is it it?

Is this the reward I get for all the years of love and care I gave that

miserable, tight -fisted, hannock -faced old penny pincher?

I'll bet that was his best hot water bottle, my lord.

I'll bet he took it to bed with him every night.

I take a cup of cocoa to bed with me every night, but I wouldn't leave it to

King of England.

That's because you are the King of England.

Yes, I am, aren't I?

People shouldn't treat me like this, should they? No, my lord, they certainly

should not. They should give me huge amounts of cash, shouldn't they? Yes, my

lord, they certainly should. And you're going to get it for me, aren't you? Yes,

my lord, I... What?

You will go down to the village and you will sell this thing, and not only will

you sell it, you will sell it for 50 gold pieces.

But, my lord... And if you fail, I will cut you up into very thin strips and

weave you into a waste paper basket.

Understand?

God! Got to get across, got to get across, got to get across, got to get

got to get across, got to get across, got to get across, got to get across,

to get across, got to get across. The merry men shut their eyes and scratched

their heads and started thinking.

The problem was to get across the river without thinking.

They wanted to steal from the really rich, but the river was deep and wide.

And the road from the village to King John Carville lay on the other side.

They thought of wearing wings of leaves and things so they could fly. They

thought of making cats to shoot them through the sky.

Then the boldest merry man had the brainiest brainwave yet. I know how to

the gang across without them getting wet.

that you can bring.

Fetch nails and screws and hammers. Fetch me fellers, pegs and strings.

We'll build a mighty bridge with wooden sets and handrails for it. And folks

will come from miles around and all join in the chorus.

Gotta get across, gotta get across, gotta get across, gotta get across,

get across, gotta get across, gotta get across, gotta get across, gotta get

across, gotta get across.

Gotta get across, gotta get... Wait a minute. Why does the music stop, please?

Because we've finished.

You've finished?

Oh, great.

Come on, let's have a look.

Good.

Oh, very good.

Good.

Wait a minute.

Robin, I told you to build a bridge.

What you've built is a diving board.

We ran out of wood.

A forest.

So where do we get more wood from?

A woodshop.

Why not try trees, Robin?

Because you said 20. You said fetch 20 sturdy pine trees and we use them all

I just meant 20 -ish. It's the words of a song, for goodness sake.

You don't have to worry about the exact number.

If I said I wanted 4 and 20 blackbirds baked in a pie and you had 26, you

wouldn't leave 2 out, would you? You'd bung them all in. No, I wouldn't. It'd

cruel.

Their little feet should all get clogged up with pastry.

Raby, what's thick in chopped down trees?

Um, meat. Correct.

So take this up and go and get chopping, OK?

What are you lot going to do?

We're going fishing.

I'm exhausted.

I haven't felt so knackered since I ran the Stoke -on -Trent marathon.

You didn't run the Stoke -on -Trent marathon. We carried you.

How are you going to get any money out of this lot, sire?

They're penniless.

Look at their clothes. Oi, that's my best jacket.

Shh, just you watch.

You are looking at a man who could sell veal cutlets to a vegetarian.

Gather round, gather round.

I have some exciting news for you.

Bit chilly today, Al?

Shut legs and runny noses. A few nasty cold sores dangling from the lips. Well,

don't worry. By the end of the day, you'll be so warm, you'll think you're

the Costa Brava.

Oh, no. Not another double glazing salesman. Certainly not. What I've got

you is better than double glazing. What I've got for you is the finest central

heating system known to humankind.

The holy hot water bottle of St. Charlene.

The what?

Surely you know the story of the blessed Charlene and her blessed hot water

bottle. No.

Really? I don't either, sire.

Then I'll tell you.

Once upon a time, in the days when poor people didn't have all the little

luxuries that you lot have got, there lived a humble fishmonger called Saint

Charlene. One cold night, as she was walking through the forest with her

she was set upon by hungry weasels.

Spare me! Spare me! Bear me, she cried, for I am but a scraggly old woman.

But the weasels just grinned evilly and got out their knives and forks. Well, if

you're that hungry, she cried, take my fish instead.

No, no, no, shouted the weasels. We hate fish.

It's got bones in.

This fish hasn't, replied the saint.

All fish has got bones in, said the weasels.

Grown -ups just pretend it hasn't to get their children to eat it.

But the weasels just leapt on her to devour her.

Well, if you won't take my fish, then take from me the most precious thing

I possess, said the saint.

And she took out her hot water bottle from the place where she always kept it

cold nights, and she gave it to the weasels, and, lo, it did warm them, and

were exceeding glad, and they went on their way rejoicing.

And even to this very day, whenever poor folk gather round it, the holy hot

water bottle of St.

Charlene stays hot. Yea, even unto the morning, when water bottles are usually

cold and floppy, the holy hot water bottle stays as hot as a prawn

vindaloo.

It was lovely.

Can we have another one?

We're not here to tell these people stories, Graham. We are here to give

the holy hot water bottle of St. Charlene.

Give it to us? Yes.

In return for the ridiculously small sum of 55 gold pieces, the

holy hot water bottle will be yours forever.

But we haven't got 55 gold pieces.

We haven't got... Any gold pieces?

We've got some mud.

Would 55 pieces of mud do?

No, it would not.

Seems very good mud.

I don't care if it's the best behaved mud in Sherwood. I want gold pieces.

But where do we get them from?

I don't know. Set up a charity.

Get some minstrels to play a benefit concert for you. No one's ever done that

before. Yeah?

You could call it first aid.

But suppose we don't raise enough?

Then I'll burn your village down.

Good afternoon.

Where are we going, sire?

Home. But home's that way. I'm taking a short cut.

I've got blisters the size of baby tomatoes.

And don't look at me like that.

I know these woods like the back of my hand.

What do we do with all this stuff when we've nicked it?

We keep it.

No, we do not keep it. We give it to the poor.

What? All the jewels and the crowns and the furs and the diamond necklaces?

Most of it. A quarter?

Uh -huh. A third?

Done.

Oh, almost there.

Almost there.

Oh, my baby tomatoes are the size of grapefruit. Oh, here, sire. Rest them on

blessed St. Charlene's blessed hot water bottle. For the last time, Gary, St.

Charlene is just a myth.

A silly, stupid myth. I thought she was quite sensible, really.

Thank goodness for my unerring sense of direction, eh? We've cut off miles.

Do you know which way home is, Graham?

Yeah, it's across that river and over that little hill. That's right, across

that river and over the... Oh, no!

There's a river there!

Who's put up... Honestly, you turn your back for five minutes and...

Wait a minute!

What is that?

It's a centipede. What is?

Well, that funny little brown thing crawling up that half a bridge.

It was the half a bridge I was referring to, Graham, not some stupid dead

centipede. Oh, it's not dead.

You're wrong.

Now, all we need is some ignorant peasant to chop down a tree for us, lay

across that bridge, and then we can get across... This is our lucky day, lads.

Peasant!

What have you got there? Let's have a look.

It's a tree, isn't it? How many times do I have to tell you people you do not

bring trees into the forest without my permission? If you want to play with

trees, you play with them at home.

So now, I'm going to have to confiscate it.

Bring it up here, please.

I don't think that's a very good idea.

We are not interested in what you think, boy. Just bring it up here.

It's just that I... Right, men, let's take his tree and bring it up here. And

you, one more squeak and you'll be suspended.

By the neck from the end of this bridge.

Well, you still don't want to be difficult or anything, but... Oh,

now look what you've done.

Sorry.

Sorry is not good enough, is it?

But you wanted me to bring this up there.

Yes. Well, it's a bit heavy, see?

So? Well, look, let me show you what I was thinking.

What I was thinking was that a big, heavy tree like this might make the

break.

There you go, bro.

You can't fall in the water.

I'm always right.

Help! Help!

I've lost my bottle!

It's all right. Everybody loses their bottle when they learn it to swim.

But you get used to it.

What's that noise?

Only some soldiers.

Soldiers? What are they doing?

Having a little swim. Look, you can see their metal bathing trunks.

Oh. I've got a bite.

It looks like a hot water bottle. A hot water bottle fish. We caught a hot water

bottle fish. So that's how they make hot water bottles.

Gosh, that's really cruel.

Shall we eat it?

Congratulations, lads. Looks like we've finally stolen something.

A stinky old hot water bottle.

That's really going to get us in the history books, isn't it?

Made Marian and her merry hot water bottle feed.

What shall we do with it, then? Well, we'll have to give a third of it to the

poor. Which third?

Let's give all of it to the poor.

Stunning piece of generosity, Robin.

Thank you.

There you are.

Now go and find a poor person who wants the hot water bottle and give it to

them.

And the water was dragging me down and my helmet was jammed over my eyes and my

scabbard got caught in my tights and kept poking me up the trouser leg.

Hello? Are there any poor people anywhere, please?

Hello? Over here.

We've fallen in the water.

Poor Graham, he's freezing cold.

Oh, is he really?

Do you think he'd like something to warm him up?

I'm sure he would. That's awfully kind of you. There you are, then. A present

from Robin Hood and my merry men.

I dip it in batter and fry it for you.

Why are you dripping all over my floor like an extremely unattractive mermaid?

My lord, I've been attacked by an ignorant peasant. I've lost two of my

men. I've got water in my hat. I've got a gudgeon in my doublet, a funny

lumpy thing in my tights. But did you sell the hot water bottles? No, we lost

in the... Oh, the water bottle. Yes, we've completely and utterly sold the

water bottle.

Completely. For 50 gold pieces?

Yes, for 50 gold pieces. Well, I haven't actually got the money on me at this

precise moment, but you'll get it before...

Before I start making a new waste paper basket.

Exactly. And stop fiddling with your tape!

I'm sorry, my lord. It's just that this second parcel from your uncle, which I

didn't give you at the same time as the first parcel, because if you get all

your presents at once, then the excitement's over so quickly, isn't it?

burbling! Give it here!

No one ever found out where I kept my money, but I held it tight every night.

I leave you my hot water bottle. May it keep you warm for years to come. Love,

Uncle Dagenham.

exactly the word. Don't sell it! I forbid you to sell it!

There's a fortune in that water bottle.

Get it back before tea time and a tenth of it will be yours.

Butty, Butty.

Butty, Butty, come to Daddy.

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.

Someone's nicked it, haven't they?

Honestly, people will nick anything.

in this river, you see.

And not that it's got any money in it or anything. It's just that it belongs to

a friend of mine who's over here on the freight exchange.

And she's going back to Monte Carlo tomorrow, so obviously she'll need her

water bottle, or what I so low showed, as she calls it. Not that I'd expect you

to do something for nothing, but I've got this brand new and open box of

licorice all sorts here, plus a purse containing...

All the money I possess in the world, which is approximately 47p.

So if you find the old potty -potty and wouldn't mind returning it, then I'd be

very happy if you... Ah!

Surprise, surprise.

What are you doing here? I thought you were dead.

Obviously it was just a beautiful dream.

Did you say you wanted a hot water bottle?

Yes, but not any old hot water bottle, you fool.

Will this one do?

No, it will not. I need to... You little

darling. And I didn't even have to give away my... Wait a minute.

Where have they gone?

Who's nicked my all sorts?

Success, my lord!

Success. Prepare for more riches than you ever dreamt of.

Right, let's get counting.

I'll buy myself an amusement arcade and a big games room with a bowling alley

and a horse, a GTX one with a black leather saddle and a pair of designer

and a huge... What is that?

I think it's an acorn, my lord.

An acorn?

in a pot and grow a little tree.

Get out of my sight, all of you, and take this horrible thing with you. I

never want to see it again.

Does that mean we can keep it? Keep what?

The hot water bottle.

Graham, if I ever hear you mention hot water bottles again, I will coat one in

butter and jam and make you eat it, understand?

Yes, sir.

I think we can keep it.

I don't understand.

Definitely the right bottle.

Wait a minute.

How did you get it back again?

Robin Hood gave it to me.

Robin Hood!

I might have known.

Well, that was a brilliant day for robbing. Did you hear about Maid Marian

her incredibly successful robber band?

No? What did they steal?

One hot water bottle, 47p and a packet of licorice all sort.

And they weren't unopened. The sheriff had eaten all the best ones.

What? The ones with those little bubbly blue bits on? Yeah.

What a day.

Well, at least we got the thousand gold pieces.

Am I dreaming, or did Robin just say, well, at least we've got the thousand

pieces? Yes, the thousand gold pieces that were in the sheriff's hot water

bottle. Robin!

I took them out before I gave it back. That was the right thing to do, wasn't

it? Robin!

Well, I could give them back too, but it seems a bit of a waste, doesn't it?

You're learning, Robin, aren't you? You're really learning.

Am I?

Robin Hood.

I think we're going to make an outlaw out of you after all.

Oh, good -o.

Marion.

Why don't you carry on with what you're doing?