All language subtitles for Maid Marian s01e03 A Game Called John

It's Pancake Day, yes it's Pancake Day,
yes it's P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P

-P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P
-P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P

-P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P
-P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P

-P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P
-P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P

-P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P

-P -

to add a little flour and then you beat
it up with a wooden spoon and leave it

to settle for just one hour because it's
Pancake Day, yes it's Pancake Day, yes

it's P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P
-P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P

-P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P
-P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P

-P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P
-P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P

-P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P -P
Yeah, the living ain't so funny.

They make their pay like dirty old mud
because they ain't got no flipping

Their smiles are white because the tears
they hide even though their life is

hell. But the smile's not the fool when
the sheriff comes to call and he brings

King John as well.

What are those filthy peasants doing
with that disgusting slop?

I think it's pancake day. Yes, it's
pancake day. It must be pa -pa -pa -pa

-pa -pa -pa -pancake day.

Well, you'd better get us a frying pan
then, hadn't you?

Certainly, sire. Anything you say, sire.
One frying pan. Coming up, sire.

You scum! Over here, please. Hurry up.

Ah, stinker.

Today is your lucky day. You know who
this is, don't you? Well, today...

Know what?

No, I don't know who it is.

Don't be ridiculous. Of course you do.

Today, he's going to give Stinker the
privilege... Who is he, then?

Who is who?

Him. Him is the king!

Which king would that be, then? Stephen
King?

King is my first name!

Oh, King Kong!

No! King John!

Who's he, then? The king! The king!

The flipping king!

The one who does the speech on Christmas
Day and chops people's heads off!

Ah, that's William the Conqueror. He's
king.

My dear stinker, William the Conqueror
is a nasty king who is dead at the

doormat. This one here is a nice king
who is after your frying pan. Get it?

Oh.

Got it.

Good.

There you are, sir. Mission
accomplished.

They didn't know who I was.

Do you like plain or jam, sire, or are
you really naughty like me and have

delight with chocolate spread and peanut
butter?

They didn't know who I was!

Who, them? Those turnip heads?

They don't know who anyone is.

But they are my subjects!

Why don't they know who I am?

Because they're stupid!

If you gave them a cannonball on a
plate, they'd think it was a new kind of

Christmas pudding. Forget about it.

Let's go home and tuck into those
pancakes.

You're not tucking into those pancakes.

You're not tucking into anything until
they know who I am. Understand?

Not one morsel of food will pass your
lips until I'm famous.

Ha!

Sir? Anything you say, sir?

Who am I?

A big, fat knight.

We're going to leap out on you and steal
all your gold.

Right. Are you ready?

Yo! Yes!

Yo! Yes!

concentrate because we didn't have any
breakfast.

I beg your pardon?

Well, we didn't have very much.

Rabies, how many pancakes did you have?

Uh, that many.

And how many's that?

One, two.

You had 16 each, king -sized ones. And
you only stopped because it was my turn

to toss them and I said I wouldn't until
you'd done an honest day's robbing. And

because you're the only one who doesn't
know how to make them.

Yes, and because... What are you talking
about? I know how to make pancakes.

I'd have got my pancake proficiency
badge if my brownie pack hadn't been

down for armed robbery.

Go on, then. Go on what?

Go on and toss some pancakes.

What's the magic word?

Abracadabra. The magic word is please,
Rabies.

And yes, I will toss you some pancakes,
provided... Wow!

Provided you don't come back till you've
leapt on a knight and taken all his

gold. Understand?

Yeah. Go on, then.

And you're supposed to be gorillas. For
goodness sake, wear some camouflage.

If they're not on the table in 20
seconds, I'll cover you in batter and

you up as a spring roll!

Come in, Your Majesty. Anything you say,
Your Majesty.

I hope they get stuck in your throat and
give you food poisoning, Your Majesty.

Please, sir, can I have my frying pan
back? Not now, stinker. I'm busy.

I've ordered, sire. By the way, sire, I
have had a brilliant idea. May I?

What brilliant idea?

Well, you want everyone to remember you,
right? So invent something.

Why do we remember Noah?

Because he invented the ark. Who
invented the screw?

Archimedes. Adam invented the apple.
Catherine invented the wheel. So we

remember them.

No problem, really, sire, any time you
want me.

Well, go on, then.

Sorry? Invent something.

Me invent something? Oh, I'm not an
inventor, sir. I'm a sheriff. Look,

my badge.

Would you like a pancake?

Yes, please, sir.

Then invent something!

Invent something. Right, invent
something.

Right, I'll invent the automatic foot.
What for?

What for?

Well, it's got to be for something,
hasn't it?

For something, yes, yes. For something.

I've got it! I've got it!

I'll invent a parachute.

A what?

A parachute, so that when you're flying
along, you can jump out and you won't

hurt yourself. Flying along in what?

I don't know. They haven't invented
anything yet, have they? No, they

you stupid little weasel.

Now pass me the sugar.

Certainly, sire.

Invent something right away, sire.

It's dropped into my pocket, cretin.

Oh, sire, I'm most terribly...

That's what I'll invent.

I'll have pockets all round the table
and we'll shove sugar bowls in them. No,

no, no, balls.

Lots of balls.

And we'll have little sticks to prod
them with and we'll have chalk on the

to stop them slipping and it'll be a
game. A wonderful, marvellous new game.

we'll call it John.

Gary! Graham!

Hello. Go straight.

to the ball makers in Lincoln. I've got
a really big order for them.

Mine's got a little teddy bear head on
it. Oh, I've never seen one like that.

Mine's got a knitted cover shaped like a
tortoise. Oh, doesn't it shrink when it

gets wet? No.

Oh!

Hello. Look, it's the Morris men.

No, it isn't. Isn't it?

Oh.

You're not beautiful princesses who've
been bewitched by an evil wizard and

turned into plum trees, are you? Leave
it out, we're gorillas.

What? Green gorillas?

We're merry men and we're going to jump
out and rob you.

Now, what have you got?

Two long sticks and a wooden triangle.

And 22 coloured balls.

Any gold?

No, 15 red, a yellow, a green, a brown,
a blue, a pink, a black and a white.

Well, nothing else at all. No money, no
candlesticks, no gold plates, nothing

like that.

No, nothing like that. Oh, we've got a
little square of chalk with a dent in

No, that really won't do.

Oh, well, thanks anyway. Bye.

Bye. Bye.

You are Morris men, really, aren't you?

They thought we were Morris men.

I hate Morris men.

Yeah, they're like clowns without the
funny bits. I told her we need a

How will people know we're the merry men
if we haven't got a uniform?

Well, I'll show her.

And they jumped out at us and said they
wanted all our gold. Who did? The Morris

men. Morris men, I don't believe you.

Did they wave little white hankies
around in the air like this?

No. And was there one extremely amusing
one who hit everybody over the head with

inflatable pig's bladder?

No. Then they weren't real Morris men.

How do you know?

Because Morris dancing is in my blood.

It takes a very special sort of person
to be a Morris man, and I'm one.

I only gave it up because my bladder
burst. Nothing happened!

Is that you?

Coming, Your Majesty!

Well, at least you got the stuff.

About time, too. I'm starving.

Please, sir, can I have my pan back?

Nope.

Your problems are over, my lord. In this
bag is John, the game that'll take the

country by storm.

John Halls will sprout up in every town
and village. There'll be national John

championships, international John
championships.

John players will punch the ref and make
the front of the newspapers. Your name

will echo down the centuries as the
inventor of this brilliantly

game. You two, over there and open your
pockets.

play John.

First of all, I place the ball on the
table.

Sorry.

I place the ball on the... I place the
ball on the...

Can we have another table, please?

So that's it, is it?

That's your brilliantly entertaining
game of John that's going to make me

famous? Who would... Would you like a
game of John? Oh, yes, please. How do

play? Well, you get a sack of balls and
you tip them up all over the floor.

I've had more entertaining mornings at
the dentist.

Are you hungry?

Well, yes, sir, I must confess. Well,
not for much longer.

You're going to eat every one of these,
starting with this one.

I don't like greens, Your Majesty.

Open your mouth, Nottingham. You're
going to have a ball.

You could put a tablecloth on. And to
stop the balls rolling off, you could

stick cushions round the sides.

Stick? Cushions round the sides?

Yes, yes, you're right. Brilliant. A
masterstroke. Cushions. I'll get them

up in Lincoln right away. All the same
colour. Very tasteful. You'll love them.

Come on, men. We've got work to do.

This time I'm coming with you. I don't
want you handing over our cushions to a

bunch of pony Morris dancers.

And, Stinker, if you ask me for your pan
back once more, I will hang you from

the wall, divide you into 20 sections
and use you as a dartboard.

Don't argue!

My name's not Stinker.

Now, once they get cold, they're really
disgusting, aren't they? Yeah.

They lie there all floppy and blubbery,
and they wobble when you poke them. Will

you two stop waffling? Waffle, waffle,
waffle. That's all you ever do. Sorry,

Sheriff.

They're jolly cosy when they're off,
aren't they? Shut up!

Yes, Sheriff.

And in the morning you say you'll never
have another one, but you always do.

Will you two stop going on about your
stupid hot water bottles? That's all you

ever talk about.

Now we're in the middle of a forest
ridden with unseen danger. Anything

jump out on us. Mad axemen, werewolves,
lunatics. Your money or your life?

Idiots in skirts and berets.

I said your money or your life. Are you
mad?

Are you completely mad?

I am the sheriff of Nottingham. I do
happen to be surrounded by two burly

who both have GCSE in killing, maiming
and chewing people's heads off.

How do you propose to take my life?

By dressing up in false beards and
glasses so I laugh myself to death? By

playing the bagpipe so badly I throw
myself off a cliff in order to escape

noise? No, we're going to fight you. Are
we? Yes, we are.

You think I'm frightened of you?

The sheriff of Nottingham is frightened
of nobody.

Morning.

It's Robin Hood, the fiercest bandit in
England. Do exactly as he says or we're

doomed. Terribly sorry. Did I make you
jump?

No, no, no, no. I just trotted on a
hedgehog.

Say hello, boys. Interesting who it is.

Well, what do you think of our outfits?

Pretty stylish, eh? Oh, yes, yes, very.

Gave you a bit of a fright, didn't they?

I've never seen anything so frightful in
my life.

Aren't they smashing?

Oh, could I have your gold, please?

My gold?

Uh, I haven't got any. Here, he's got a
gold tooth. You can pull that out.

Most kind, sir.

Sorry about the hold -up, but the
problem is we're, you know, starving.

So am I.

We've hardly had any breakfast, you see.

Neither have I.

Haven't you?

Oh, well, come and eat at our place,
then.

Chez nous.

That's the sheriff of Nottingham.

I know.

A deadly enemy.

No, he just wants to be friends, don't
you?

Guess what we've got to eat.

Uh, venison?

Rabbit?

Hey, Corn Porridge, you'll never guess,
will you?

I'll tell you what.

Hands over your eyes, then it'll be a
surprise. Come on.

You're peeking, aren't you? I can see.
Come on, tie something round Mr

Cheapbox's people.

This is fun, isn't it?

As soon as we get back, I'm going to
take off this stupid costume.

Me too. It makes me look like an idiot.

You are an idiot.

Oh, yeah.

Right. Follow me.

Won't Marion be surprised when she sees
who we've brought home?

What a life.

What a wonderful life.

Breakfast in the open air, the birds
singing.

Where is it?

Where's the sugar bowl?

Every time my back's turned. If that
sugar bowl isn't back in my hands in

seconds, there'll be trouble.

One.

Flipping squirrels. And the spoon.

Thank you.

That's everything, I think.

Let's hope they're back before the
pancakes get cold. Cooey, we're home.

Oh, good, because I was just... Robin,
what is that ridiculous costume?

Do you like it? Look, I hope you don't
mind, but I've brought a friend back.

Who? Guess.

Oh, I don't know. The Archbishop of
Canterbury? No. Try again.

King of England?

No, but you're warm.

What? You haven't. Oh, Robin, you
haven't brought back... I know that

You have. Well done, Robin.

It's pancakes, isn't it?

What a lovely surprise.

May I help myself?

Oh, that's good. That's really good.

All right, explain.

He was hungry.

Robin, killer whales get hungry.

Man -eating piranha fish have been known
to get a bit peckish. But you don't

have to invite them to breakfast.

Now he knows where we live, he'll have
King John's entire army here by morning.

Except he doesn't know where we live.

What? I blindfolded him. Did you?

Did you?

Little Ron, you're a genius.

Your brains are so big, I'm surprised
they don't leak out of your ears.

Now, take off your clown's costumes and
we'll think of a plan. They're not

clown's costumes. They're our uniforms.
When people see us in these, they'll be

terrified. They'll run away screaming.

Yeah, with laughter.

I couldn't trouble you for some lemon
barley, could I?

That's what I find really galling. Old
Buffy Boots getting a free meal.

Wait a minute. Did you tell him it was
free?

What? The meal. Did you tell him it was
free?

Well, not in so many words, but... Did
you enjoy your meal, sir?

It was excellent.

Just what the doctor ordered. And can I
get you anything else?

Just a lemon barley. Apart from that,
I'm fine.

Good. Well, there you are, then.

What's this?

The bill.

What? The bill, sir.

£142 .88p. I'm not paying that.

Oh, dear. Well, perhaps I should get the
manager, then. Yes.

Yes, I would. Bring him here. I'm going
to give him a piece of my mind. Robin,

could you come over here, please?

Robin? Yes, Robin Hood. That hot
-tempered fighter.

That deadly shot.

He doesn't like people who don't pay
their bills.

Any problem?

No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no problem
at all.

I haven't got any actual money on me at
the moment, but I'm sure we can sort out

this little bit of silliness without any
fuss.

Can I open my eyes now?

No, you can open your mouth. In here,
there is a gold tooth whose approximate

value is, I would say at a rough guess,
about £142 .88p. So if

you want to just pull it out... That!

I'm not touching that. It's all slimy
and covered in dribble.

Anyway, it's your bill, not his.

What's in those bags?

What bags? I haven't got any bags.

Those bags.

Oh, these bags. Oh, there's nothing in
here except yards and yards of horrid,

nasty material. You wouldn't want that.

Is that all?

Pretty colour, isn't it?

Yes, it is, isn't it, Robin? A very
pretty colour. And it coordinates with

trees, doesn't it?

No one would be able to see us when we
were hiding, would they?

I think I've just had a good idea,
haven't I? You certainly have, Robin.

Barrington, I want a huge pair of
scissors, three needles and 100 metres

green cotton.

The sheriff is going to pay for his meal
by knocking us up a few uniforms.

But you can't have that stuff.

It belongs to King John.

You wouldn't want me to set my manager
on you, would you?

Open your eyes, men.

Pretty fantastic, eh?

What do you think?

Marvellous. Absolutely mega fab.

So, uh, we can go home?

Yes.

There you are.

I saved you from certain death at the
hands of Robin Hood. Thank you very

sire. Now can you save us from certain
death at the hands of King John? What?

Yeah, well, when he finds out we've cut
his things into little pieces... He'll

do the same to us. Yeah, but I see what
you mean.

Wait a minute.

That... A peasant stinker. The one who's
always going on about his stupid frying

pan. Quiet, quiet. I'm thinking.

When we get back to the castle, bring
him to me.

I may have a use for him.

Stolen! Yes.

All gone, sire.

We put up a good fight, but Robin Hood
is the greatest archer in all England.

There was nothing we could do. Then you
still haven't made my brilliantly

entertaining game.

No, sire.

And I'm still not famous.

It would seem that way, sire.

Then you know what happens next, don't
you? I fear I do, sire.

I'm stuffed with bean sprout, fried and
sold in a Chinese takeaway.

Bring in the bean sprouts.

Goodbye, my lord.

I served you to the best of my ability,
but tragically, my best was not good

enough. Wait a minute.

I know you.

Who, me?

Yeah, you're that bloke on...

No, don't tell me I know it. On, on the
throne.

That's it, isn't it?

Well, yes, I... You're the king, aren't
you?

Well, I... I've always wanted to meet
the king.

Hang on.

You don't mind, do you? This is terribly
exciting.

Molly! Denise!

Come here a minute.

There's somebody here I wanted to meet.

They've got the king in here.

It looks as though we might have been
wrong, doesn't it, sir? Yes, it does,

doesn't it?

May I have your autograph, please, sir?

My autograph?

Why, certainly.

In fact, I tell you what, I'll get the
court painter to paint you all up little

pictures of me, if you like, and then
you can take them home and you can pin

them up on your bedroom walls.

This way, everybody.

Well,

let's put a... smiled back on the old
toad's face, hasn't it? That should keep

me in his good books for a bit. Well
done, stinker. You can have your frying

back. But what about the rewards?

You said if I got them all here and the
plan worked, you'd give me something to

make me rich and famous.

And I will, stinker, I will. Here you
are.

Twenty -two balls, two dicks, a wooden
triangle, a piece of chalk, and a few

bits of green cloth.

It's a game.

A brilliant new game.

You can call it stinker if you like.

It'll make you rich and famous.

Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you very much.

Goodbye, sir.

What a moron. What an absolute
pumpkinhead.

As if anyone can make a fortune out of
that totally useless, rubbishy old game.

I don't think Stinker's name's going to
go down in history.

Actually, sir, his name isn't Stinker,
isn't it?

No, it's Snooker.

Snooker?

Well, no -one's going to make me money
out of a game called Snooker, are they?

Marion, why don't you carry on with the
water?