Original subtitles

Keep in the heart of Nottingham Castle a sound.

Street sound.

Though the guards are asleep, the prisoners keep up the sound.

Street sound.

They awake from their bed, shake the sleep from their heads like that.

From hell they run to the cell, for the noises they hear are the noises they

fear. And they're running and running, because the laughter is coming from King

John and the sheriff of Nazca.

It's not funny!

It's not funny at all!

Who did this to me? Who could it be? Whoever would dare to string up this

I can't understand you!

Who strung them up? Who left them to rot like a pair of dead ducks in this

horrible spot?

I think he means me.

Who could it be?

Yes, it's definitely me.

Who could it be? Oh, my merry medical.

Now try again, and this time make it blood -curdling.

Hooray!

I think it would sound better if we all faced the front, don't you, little one?

And where are we going, Robin?

That was too, you know, scary.

Too scary?

Wait, you three.

Any minute now, King John and the Sheriff of Nottingham will escape from

cell. And you know what'll happen then, don't you?

extremely sharp swords in order to give a man called Robin an extremely close

haircut. And if you're not fit and if you're not able to fight for your life,

you'll end up as dead as this tree.

That tree's alive.

That's not the point.

Little Ron, what are you doing?

Crying.

Very good.

Nice to see that some of us have got more important things to do than

about what the best -dressed freedom fighter's wearing in the discotheque

autumn, isn't it, Robin? Hurry up!

Well done, little Ron.

Right, Woodcraft.

Ladies, climb this rope, please.

Now listen, all of you. If we're going to avoid the sheriff and his men, we

learn the ways of the forest.

We must learn from the gentle deer.

Sorry.

We must move through the forest quickly and quietly, sensitive to any sound.

What was that?

I tripped over my sword. The point got stuck in my tights. Shh, shh, shh. Oh,

no. I've laddered them.

That tree looks like the sort of thing a bandit would hide behind.

We'll creep up on it.

But we've been creeping up on trees all afternoon.

And bushes.

And shrubs.

And hedgehogs. I promised my mum I'd be home by tea time. And she won't start

without me. And I fear, Gary, that your mother is going to be a very hungry

woman. Wait a minute.

What is that?

Your finger.

Yes, Graham, thank you very much. It is my finger. And what is that at the end

of it?

Your fingernail.

Thank you, Gary. Now, if we could leave anatomy for the moment and move on to

nature study, you will see that at the end of my fingernail there is a sapling.

And what is that hanging from it?

Er, a broken twig. Correct. And what does a broken twig tell you? That the

sapling has hurt itself.

Oh, no, Gary.

The sapling has not hurt itself.

Someone has hurt the sapling, just like I'm going to hurt you in a minute. Very

recently, someone has walked past here, they've brushed past the sapling, and

they've left a clue for us to follow.

In other words, Robin Hood has been this way. Come on.

Never mind. You'll be better soon.

And finally, the bow and arrow.

Now, you may find this incredibly hard to believe, but...

Experienced archer can split a tiny stick like this with one single arrow.

I can do that.

Can you? Yeah, look.

Well, thank you for the demonstration, Farrington, but actually what I had in

mind was firing from over there.

Robin? Uh, no way. Sorry, can't.

Can't, Robin.

There's no such word as can't, is there?

You're serious?

Now, pull back the bow, keeping the elbows and wrists parallel to the

Have you got that?

Yes. Check that the thumb holding the bowstring is adjacent to the right ear.

Yes. And that the flight of the arrow is nestling comfortably in the right palm.

It's gone.

My arrow's disappeared.

One minute it was here and the next it had completely vanished. It's absolutely

amazing.

What was that?

A very noisy squirrel?

No, it was not a very noisy squirrel.

It was the cry of a human being who's just received a serious injury.

No! How did that happen?

Your arrow stuck into him.

If you fire arrows into the air, they do tend to stick into people.

How awful!

I'd better go and say something, hadn't I? Yes.

Let's just hope he's not too badly hurt.

I'm dying, Graham.

Graham, take my hand.

Before I go, tell me the truth.

I was a good master, wasn't I?

Well, not really, sir. Well, not a good master, perhaps, but I was fair,

wasn't I?

Well... Actually, no, sir. I was only saying to Gary yesterday how completely

unfair you are to... Yes, yes, all right.

And bossy. Oh, thank you, thank you very much. I'm at death's door, you know.

I'm about 30 seconds away from a pair of wings and a flipping great gold harp.

And what do you do? Do you ease my way through the pearly gates with a few well

-chosen, if slightly inaccurate, words of appreciation? No, you tell me I'm the

worst, the most disgusting, most absolutely... Wait a minute.

I'm standing up, aren't I?

I'm moving around!

I'm alive!

Hang on.

Where's the arrow?

It's over here, sire.

Who did that? Come on!

Who was it? Look, when a perfectly innocent passer -by is walking through

woods, he does not expect some oath!

Some stupid, stupid little boy to act oh so clever with his stupid friends by

showing off with a bow and arrow. Because let me tell you, that hat is

special to me.

Because it was given to me by a very special person.

My Auntie Marjorie.

Now, if the boy who did this has got any guts at all, I want him to own up right

now.

Because if he doesn't...

then everyone in this entire forest is going to have to stay behind until he

does.

Sorry, sir.

It was me, sir.

Can I have my arrow back, please?

Come here.

Bend over.

Right. Cut his head off.

What?

Cut his head off.

But I haven't got any scissors.

Use your sword.

Oh.

Go away, please, little girl. This is for over -18s only. I said wait!

Now, listen.

In a moment, I'm going to get cross, and when I get cross, I can be pretty ugly.

Save your words, Sheriff.

You're surrounded.

One word from me and my highly trained team of commandos... Face the front,

please, little Ron. ...will bury two foot of very sharp wood into your rather

scrawny body.

Yeah. And fire arrows at you.

Ha! You think I'm frightened of that pathetic lot? Look at this. Your

shooting. My pet gerbils are better shot than you lot.

Guards, hack him to pieces.

He did it on purpose. What?

That shot.

He did it on purpose.

It was a warning to make you frightened of us so you'd give us all your money so

we could buy stuff.

Rubbish. He couldn't hit a rhinoceros at two paces. No.

He's a brilliant shot, aren't you, Robin?

Well, I'm not sure, really. I just lined my ear up with my thumb on the back of

my elbow like this when... Wait a minute.

Did you say Robin?

Yes, and I had to make sure it was in my hand, so I opened my hand to have a

look. You're him, aren't you? You're the one who broke into the castle. Yes, but

I didn't mean to call... You broke down the cell door. Yes, but I paid for it.

And you hung us up and tortured us with feathers. Well... You're Robin Hood.

Robin Hood?

Robin Hood.

Well, my name is Robin, but my surname's... Have mercy, please, I beg

all my money. Well, stupidly, I hadn't actually brought my wallet with me, but

take all their money.

I haven't got any.

Get your purse out.

There's nothing in it. Open it up.

It's stuck together with that really strong glue.

I said open it up.

What's in it?

Nothing.

Oh, except my sausage dog.

It's a little...

Lucky Phil, the sausage dog, called Herman, and he bounces up and down on an

elastic band.

Oh, let's see.

Hand it over.

Can I hand over the purse, too?

Why? Because it's Herman's little house, and he'll be colded out his little

house. You can hand over his garage and his back garden if you like. Just hurry.

Well...

Sorry to have taken up so much of your time. Very nice to have met you, and

thanks for the demonstration of sharpshooting. It was very impressive.

Bye -bye.

He's right, you know.

It was a pretty impressive piece of shooting.

Bye, Herman.

Oh, it's all right. You keep him. He'll only pine without you.

Thanks.

That was our first loot, and you've just given it back.

What sort of merry man are you?

A kind one.

The turret ran back to the castle, but what was he going to say?

He should have captured Robin Hood.

Instead, he'd run away.

And there were 25 of them, probably more like 30, and we were wading into them,

and there were bits of them flying to left and to right, and I got this really

massive one in this agonising headlock.

King John grew dark and broody as he listened to the sheriff's lies.

He had to catch this Robin Hood and cut him down to size.

Then Robin Flippin' Hood appeared out of nowhere, let's fire this absolutely

deadly volley of arrows, and pew, pew, pew, pinned me to a tree.

I tore the tree up by roots, of course, and tried to carry on, but it was no

use. Then in a flash, King John devised a plan supremely good.

He'd have some entertainment, and he'd finish Robin Hood.

Stop blathering, idiot.

You've got a job to do.

I want 3 ,000 posters handwritten. And I want them by first thing on St.

Elvis' day.

That's more a... That's right.

To get the ink, the parchment, and the very last feather.

And start writing!

King John and the Sheriff of Nottingham are pleased to announce the World

Archery Championships.

First round, first leg.

Prize, a solid silver arrow in attractive mahogany veneer setting.

Place, the village of Worksop. Day, St. Elizabeth's Day, 1195 A .D. Open to all.

P .S.

Robin Hood won't turn up, he's rubbish.

He means me, doesn't he? He's talking about me.

Yep. He thinks I'm not going to go. Yep. But he's jolly well wrong, isn't he?

Nope. I jolly well am. I'm the most brilliant archer in the world. I'll win

easily. Look what I did to the sheriff's hat.

Robin, it's a trap.

Even an idiot can see that. Can't they, rabies?

Can they?

The moment you turn up, the sheriff will recognise you. And once you're

recognised, you'll be hung from the nearest thing they hang people from.

But I've always wanted a silver arrow in attractive mahogany veneer setting.

It'd look lovely on my coffee table.

You're not going.

Wait a minute. Who's the leader of this gang?

telling you you're not going.

Understand? Of course.

We wouldn't want the great Robin Hood to be, you know, recognised, would we?

And I'd also like to say a big thank you to the sponsors of today's event,

Perkin Warbecks, makers of high -class torture equipment, to the Royal Family,

who donated this marvellous...

Marvellous prize.

And finally, many thanks to you, my dear subjects, for having

travelled the length and breadth of England to witness today's exciting

competition in this sunshine paradise.

Thank you.

The king will now meet the competitors.

No, he's not coming, sire. Nonsense. He's here already.

I can almost smell him.

So they are, sire. So they are. So they are.

Name?

Teasel, sire. Where do you come from, Teasel?

Epping Forest, sire.

Good luck, Teasel.

Name? Clough, sire. Where do you come from, Clough?

Nottingham Forest, sire. Well, good luck, Clough.

He's here somewhere. I know it.

You know, no doubt brilliantly disguised in order to fool us, but one of these

archers is Robin Hood.

Name? Robin, sire. And where do you come from, Robin?

Sherwood Forest, sire.

Ah.

Ah, well, good luck, Robin.

Wait a minute!

Did you say your name was Robin?

Oh, no, sire.

Robert. Definitely Robert. Robert, the incredible chicken, sire.

He's here somewhere, I know it. And when I find him, I'll kill him.

When I find him, I'll kill him. Leave him off like that when the rest of us

doing the washing up. What a tone.

Little one, search that hut.

It's not even as though he's any good as a bow and arrow, is it?

He couldn't hit an elephant in a barrel.

No one there?

OK, try that one.

For now, we've got to reach our next, rescuing him. And it's perfectly obvious

we're falling into a trap.

No one.

Right, try and do... You mark my rules.

There'll be soldiers hidden all round this village just waiting for the

OK.

Ladies, try that one.

Look! Norman's behind that car.

He's not here.

Well, where on earth is he?

So now it gives me great pleasure to declare the competition over.

And on the hockey, we have our first competitor, the crafty cockney, Eric the

Newt Teasel from Epping Forest.

And remember, the competitor with the highest score in three darts wins our

magnificent silver arrow.

Come on, Eric, my son.

Your best of order, please, gentlemen.

Game on.

Eleven.

19. That's 36 for Eric the New Teasel.

And the next archer from the village of Ambridge is... Gladys!

Hey, man, how you doing?

You seen Robin?

Who? You know, Robin the Bighead.

Robin the Twit. Robin the Totally Stupid.

Never seen him before in me life.

Yes, you have, Gladys, the top... Oh, one with a pimple problem who thinks

so flash and brave, but is actually an incredible chicken.

Oh, the incredible chicken.

Ah, him over there.

And now our final competitor, Robert the Incredible Chicken.

Are you nervous, Robert?

Oh, not really, Sheriff.

Taking each arrow as it comes.

I'm fit, I've worked hard, and it's just down to me now to go out there and, you

know, get a result.

So you're confident?

Quietly confident, yes, Sheriff.

So there we have it, Robert the Incredible Chicken, quietly confident

attempts to beat today's high score of 46, set by Mad Clem the Totally Useless

of Brixton Forest.

And he's off. ...holding the arrows adjacent to the right ear, and that the

glide of the arrows resting comfortably on the right palm.

But, oh, God.

consisting of one wormy biscuit and a glass of pond water. Oh, and not to

mention the one year's free trial.

Wait a minute.

Of course.

I congratulate you.

Thank you very much.

I said you'd come in disguise. I said you'd be the last person we'd expect.

You were clever, but not quite clever enough, Robin Hood.

Robin Hood?

I'm not Robin Hood.

You see, Robin, you made one small mistake.

clever clog.

I'd hate to return my prize so soon after winning it, but I'm prepared to

the sacrifice if necessary.

Guards, release that chicken or your king dies.

And don't try anything fancy. You're surrounded.

Little Ron, do try to concentrate.

Thanks for the entertainment.

dressed as a lady.

Well, go and find him. And when you've found him, you know what to do.

Right. He asked for it, didn't he? Right. So, give it to him.

Oh, right.

We've made it. Brilliant.

Our first skirmish.

Our first victory. And our first loot.

This is the best an Elvis' dad had for ages.

And what's more, we got...

Gotcha, Robin.

She's not Robin. I am.

Gosh, you certainly are a master of disguise, aren't you?

One tries.

You asked for it, didn't you?

Oh, dear. Did I? And I'm going to give it to you. Oh, no.

And what's more, I'm going to give you his little water bowl as well and a

little bone and some little tins of dog food.

Pardon? And the elastic band that makes him bounce up and down.

Here you are.

It's all right. The sheriff told me to give it to you.

I bet he did.

Bye. Happy St. Elvis's Day. Bye.

Oh, what a nice man that sheriff is. He's really, you know, what's the word?

Don't ask, Robin.

Just don't ask.

Marion.

Why don't you carry on with what you're doing?

Oh, there's always trouble.

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