Original subtitles

Mud. Mud.

All over the street, it's thick for your feet. It's mud.

Mud. You get it in your hair, you get it everywhere, that mud.

Brown mud.

There's a mad, bad king, and he's called King John, and he sits on a big, bad

throne. And he takes all the people's money, and he won't leave the people

alone.

He taxes their farms, he taxes their homes, he taxes their flesh and blood.

He lives for the pleasure of canning his treasure. All that the people gotta eat

is mud.

Mud. They eat mud pipes that are covered in flies. Just mud.

Sweet mud.

They make mud spread and they spread it on their bread. That's mud.

Just mud.

They drink then they cry. It's mud in your eye. That's mud.

Mud.

Raffle ticket.

Who'll buy a raffle ticket?

Fabulous prizes.

You, threaten.

What are your fabulous prizes?

Um, fabulous box of mud.

Well, fabulous bottles of mud.

And a fortnight's holiday for six. Where?

In some mud.

Hmm, not bad.

This man is the sheriff of Nottingham, and he works for the bad King John.

He's a liar, he's a spy, he's a tricker and a nigger, and he knows what's going

on.

I know what's going on. But even though they're poor and sore, the people have a

dream. One day someone will come along who'll turn them up to cream.

Someone who'll fight for the people's rights and set all the people free.

Who with the sheriff and bad King John, but who will this someone be?

I think he means me.

Yes, who will this someone be?

With my ruthless band of freedom fighters. Now, who will this dumb one

And this is how the band got together.

When you finish them, throw on the royal coat of arms.

Excuse me, my lord. I'll be back in ten minutes to make sure they're ready.

My lord, go away.

He wants to wear them tonight.

Remember me, Lord?

No. Never met you before in my life. If I had, I'd have chopped your face off

for polluting the environment.

But what about my raffle?

What raffle?

The raffle, what you took all the tickets for.

You're running a raffle?

Yeah. Then where's your licence?

What licence?

Guards! Hello?

I'm arresting this man for being in possession of a raffle without a

And I'm confiscating all his prizes.

This village needs cleaning up.

And what's more, Mrs Nottingham and I could do with a nice holiday for two.

Hey, Gladys man, are you hungry?

Farrington, I'm always hungry.

Do you want to buy some rats?

Rats? Wicked.

Let's have a look.

What flavour do you want? I've got cheese and onion, salt and vinegar,

cocktail, and this little fellow's new on the market.

Barbecue chicken with cream cheese and chives. Got you, sunshine. You are

nicked. What do you mean, man? I haven't done nothing. There is a sell -by date

stamped on the bottom of that rat. What's it say, Barrington?

16th of July, 1195.

And what's today, Barrington?

17th of July, 1195.

So you're selling foul, stinking, rotten, mouldy, good -to -innocent

ladies, aren't you, son?

It's the stocks for you, my lad, followed by a nice little trial up at

Nottingham Castle.

Guards!

It's hard to say goodbye, old friend.

I taught you to fetch and carry, sit up and beg. I made you a little hat and

made you a coat out of kipper skin.

I'm ballet shoes from a weasel's side bow.

But now I'm so poor, I can no longer afford to keep you.

Farewell, Edwina.

Hold!

There's no room on this bridge for the both of us.

Stand aside, stranger, or I, Little Ron, will knock you into the water.

Pardon? See what a lusty staff I have.

The very thing for cracking the pates of Islet Roads.

Look, I don't want to be rude, Mr.

Ron, but it's a very large bridge, and quite frankly, you're not exactly

massive, are you? I'm quite sure you could squeeze past if you wanted to.

We'll fight here on the bridge. So if one of us goes in the water, there'll be

no doubt who has won, and the victor may go on their way without a wedding. And

that's what you want? Aye. We can't just sit down and talk about it? Nay.

Okay, have it your way.

bunch of donut heads.

Throwing a tomato in someone's face is a hysterically funny joke, actually.

And anyone who doesn't think so is so stupid, so incredibly thick, that they

will be hung upside down by their toes, coated in chocolate spread, and covered

in a ravenously hungry swarm of killer wasps. Now laugh!

Now for the hard sell.

Roll up, roll up.

Fantastic bargain. It's a ludicrous price.

Buy now or stop last.

Excuse me, sir. You look like a man who knows a good thing when he sees one.

Yeah, well, I'm a pretty smart cookie, I must admit, you know.

In my hand, I've got a bargain, and I do mean a bargain. It's this year's model,

it's got a three -year guarantee, and it's made in Britain. What do you think?

Hmm. And if you can find a cheaper one anywhere in the whole of Sherwood, we'll

refund your money.

Really? You want to see?

Um, yeah, OK.

It's alive!

It's attacking me! Take it away!

Billy, it's only a tadpole.

No, it isn't. It stung me. I can feel it. Give me a bandage. Take me to

casualty. Look, it's in my hand. It never left my hand, and tadpoles can't

sting.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right, of course.

I'm sorry.

It's the pressure.

The job's really getting to me, you know.

What job?

Well, I've been commissioned to run up a little something for the royal

household. Well, I mean, I say a little something, but it's got to be

absolutely, you know... I mean, I think royalty are great, don't you?

They're so natural and, I don't know, cred.

That King John, he's a real... That slob?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. He's sharp, tasteful.

He knows what he wants, and he goes out and gets it. He knows there's only one

really trendy tailor in the whole of Sherwood, so he said, you know, go for

And here they are.

Those? Those great dishcloths?

That's what you're so proud of?

You jerk.

There's peasants starving to death out there while you get rich making enormous

pairs of pants for the royal bottom.

Come on, Edwina.

I promised you a good master, not a traitor.

Try them.

And now, I will attempt the one -handed curved tomato throw with double

somersault and pike.

Stand by to applaud, please.

Tadpole, tadpole, lovely fresh tadpole. Right, who did that?

It was me, actually.

Oh, it was you, actually, was it? Well, it wasn't very funny. Yes, it was. It

was incredibly funny.

You nasty little stoat.

built in sword fighting, a distinction in my dagger proficiency test, and what

is more, I cheat.

Prepare to be turned into dog food.

One false move and I'll run this man through.

Oh, goodness me, what a terrible threat.

Let's all put our weapons back in their cases and go home, shall we? Are you

mad? Do you think I've got the slightest interest in that worm's life?

more interesting faces on the wrong end of a donkey.

God's killer.

And if he gets in the way, hack him to pieces.

I said stop.

Do you see what he has in his hands?

King John's underpants.

If he gets run through, what'll happen to them?

Great big red stains.

And have you ever tried getting blood out of weasel wool?

It's impossible.

She's right, sir. I tried it with my usual washing powder and the stains just

wouldn't shift.

All right, all right, all right. Let them go.

But Graham ambushed them at the crossroads.

So Marion flees to the wild old woods and the hostage flees there too.

She may have a man, but she ain't got a plan. What's a poor girl gonna do?

Because that man's a real liability.

Get your hands off my underpants!

No!

Oh, sorry.

Oh, well.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to hurt him.

Oh, no.

You didn't mean to hurt him. You only hit him in the face with a glove. Very

hard. When he didn't even have his sword.

Bully!

bridge for the both of us. Oh, no.

Stand aside, stranger, or I, Little Lon, will knock you into the water.

Would you mind holding on a moment?

What shall I do?

Knock him into the water. But I can't handle violence.

Oh, well, that's a pity, because there's two enormous, bloodthirsty Normans just

about to come round that bend, and they just love it.

Ah, right.

See what you mean.

Never let it be said that I, Robin of Kensington, refuse to challenge.

Let the fight commence.

Oh, great.

Don't prove anything, you know.

Mind you, there's two massive great blokes back there who are simply dying

fight. And they've got swords and daggers. Beating them would be

wouldn't it?

Yeah.

He arrested me, Your Majesty.

He arrested me, Your Majesty.

And of what are you accused?

Selling a rat, answering back, whistling in the corridor and dumb insolence.

Then I find you guilty.

Thanks very much.

And I sentence you to 500 lines and a month's torture.

Eight lines.

And what about that disgusting object?

Illegal gambling, obtaining money under false pretenses and being incredibly...

Stupid. Guilty!

And have you anything to say?

What?

Quiet, dog! Would you mock our beloved sovereign?

He said you'd sound like him if you had a tadpole stuck up your nose.

Oh, insolence!

I will punish you both as no man has ever been punished before.

that even the torturers will go, and ask to leave the room.

One thing I'll say about British justice, you always get a fair trial.

Robin?

Robin?

Robin! Are they coming?

No. Are they gone?

Yes. Then, er, can I go home? Home?

Home? We've spent all morning clobbering normal...

be able to go home again.

From now on, we'll have to live here in the forest.

What, by a holiday cottage?

No, Robin, we'll camp out under the stars.

But I haven't brought my wellingtons. We'll make bows and arrows, and we'll

rich travellers to ransom.

What, money do you mean?

Yes, and we'll give it all to the poor.

I want to go home. And we'll surround ourselves with a band of highly

attractive, respectable young men who are just a little bit rough.

and are dedicated to freeing our country from tyranny and injustice and cruelty

to animals and stuff.

And we'll swing through the trees on long ropes and we'll have our own

and we'll never be cross or grumpy.

And we'll do these fantastically brave deeds with a merry smile on our face and

everyone will say, Good heavens, it's those merry men. Come in and have a cup

tea. Can we have your autograph?

And no one will dare stand against us.

And our names will go down in history.

And we'll be famous forever.

And people will name pubs after us.

What do you think?

We'll really have our own costumes?

Yep. Originals, I mean, not out of a catalogue. Yep.

Who's going to design them?

You. Right, you're on.

I'll have to do some drawings, of course. But I think flared trousers.

Well, when I say flares, I don't mean, you know.

Flair, it's more a bit of fullness in the lower leg.

The clubber will have to wait till tomorrow, Robin.

First we must go to the aid of a tadpole in distress.

Forward to Nottingham Castle!

We'll have waisted jackets with narrow, you know, and square round the... And

we'll have studs, big, chunky studs.

That reminds me.

It's Wednesday.

The shop's shuttered. You go on and I'll nip back to the stud shop.

It's Thursday.

Come on.

Oh, right.

Thursday. OK.

And we'll have suede stitching and a leather label and rivets on the... Oh,

Rivets. I haven't got any rivets.

Stupid me.

Won't be long.

You can get rivets in Nottingham.

Nottingham. Yeah.

You're right.

Absolutely. Oh, it's gone.

What's gone?

Ligament. Completely gone. Oh, what a drag. It's always the same. One minute

right as rain, then bang, just like that.

Don't worry, though. It's not a problem. A few days and my feet up and I'll be

as right as rain.

Robin, there's nothing wrong with your ligament that won't be cured by me

kicking it. Now, get up.

Come on.

We're just going to get killed, that's all.

No, we're not. We're going to be heroes.

Yes, dead heroes.

And for why? I'll tell you for why.

One, there's only two of us. Two, one of us is a coward. And three, as soon as

we get to Nottingham, we'll be chopped to bits.

That's rubbish, Robin.

Everything's going to go smoothly. Trust me. Halt!

There's no room on this beach for the both of us.

I don't believe this.

Now, look, I don't want to get aggressive, but we're dreadfully busy.

We've got a tadpole to rescue, and I'm afraid if you don't get out of the way,

I'm going to have to lose my temper.

No, don't. Whatever you do, you're tearing it to pieces.

The man's an animal.

Is he? Yeah, a crazed fighting machine.

Really?

Oh, good.

Sounds like just the man we need.

Little Ron.

Would you like to join our gang of fearless outlaws who fight against

and do incredibly brave things like getting their ears pierced and tattooing

themselves and pulling their teeth out just for the fun of it? Oh, that sounds

just like my sort of thing. Right, let's go. We've got a castle to break into.

But how do we get there without being, you know... Recognised?

I'm glad you asked me that.

Guards, take your clothes off.

Pardon? Take your clothes off.

No way.

Sorry, absolutely not.

I'm going to count up to one.

If your clothes aren't in a heap by my feet by the time I finish counting, I'm

going to order Little Ron to tear them off with his teeth. Yeah!

One.

Thank you, boys.

Right, gang.

Who is it this time of night? You're not salesmen, are you? No.

Jehovah's Witnesses? No.

Then what do you want?

Make way for the royal underpass.

I've been waiting for them.

You've got too many feet.

Brilliant.

You can come out now.

Now where do we go? This place is huge.

What's that?

Recognize cry of a poor wretch undergoing terrible torture.

Recognizing cry of a poor wretch undergoing terrible torture with a

his nose.

It's Wiener.

And finally, Your Royal Highness, this one.

Bullying, shouting, swearing, kicking kittens and stealing children's sweets.

Well done, Corporal. You're just the sort of man we need in today's army.

I'm making you sergeant.

Well, that's enough business for today.

Now, pleasure!

To the torture chamber? To that torture chamber!

Treat the forces of evil.

You will suffer the same punishment you meted out to others. Yes, you'll be

imprisoned, tortured.

And what is more, see, I set fire to your underpants.

Wait a minute.

I know you, don't I?

Crap in. Hot.

Goodbye. Sorry we couldn't hang around.

End myself on them if it's the last thing I do.

I'll leave the rest up to you.

I want their leader.

Nobody burns my underpants and gets away with it. What did they call him?

Robin Hood?

Yes.

Robin Hood.

And I

solemnly swear... And I solemnly swear... To fight injustice... To fight

injustice. And to do a good deed every day. And to do a good deed every day.

Cross my heart and hope to die, stick a sausage in my eye.

Cross my heart and hope to die, stick a sausage in my eye.

Now you, rabies.

I, rabies, wishing to be a merry man, do

swear to wear the uniform and keep it clean.

We'll go ahead.

You haven't got a hanky? Well, that doesn't matter. We're free now.

What need we merry men of hankies? We can sneeze where we like.

Into leaves, into grass.

Why, even into this blazing fire.

Yes, rabies, even though you've got a tadpole up your...