Original subtitles

It was your idea.

I know. In fact, you insisted.

I know.

It's got to be the same for both of us, isn't it? Eve and Stephen's source for

the goose, all that stuff. I know, I know, I know.

Well, I mean, look, it makes things difficult for me, doesn't it?

If I say I'll never do it again, it means we haven't got an open

which in theory should make you feel threatened.

On the other hand, look what happens when I do do it.

You feel threatened.

Who said I felt threatened? Oh, come off it.

Something got up your nose.

Might have been the smell of burning bridges.

What?

Look, I know you're right. I know what we agreed, but it just seems such a

cliché, so typical of a bloody man to be that quick off the mark.

No sooner do I hear about your lunchtime leg -over with some hooray Henrietta

than Diane's husband admits to having an affair.

Look, first off, I'm not your husband, am I?

And secondly, you can't really put it down to bloody men, can you? Because it

takes two.

As you must have noticed when you were dropping your drawers for Hugh Mariner,

without asking the permission of Mrs. Mariner, as far as I understand it.

Am I right or am I right?

Yes.

I really am sorry.

You don't have to be.

I was the one who said no ties.

I'm not apologising.

I'm just saying I'm sorry that it happened.

It wasn't worth it.

All that grief for a five -minute bunk up in the shower. I don't want to know

where you... You'll be seeing her again?

Maybe. Maybe not.

She's doing the deal.

On the boathouse, Carver's Wharf.

Yeah, well, that's looking a bit dodgy at the moment.

No.

I'll sort it out.

There's always another deal.

We've never done it in the shower.

Well, there's a shower in the hotel.

I ought to get back.

All right, turn that bloody thing down.

Because I'll have the pack before I leave.

My lute was in the shower.

What?

What are you doing, Talrak?

Yeah, come on in.

Whatever happened to good old -fashioned rock and roll?

You're lucky

you forgot after the exam. Some of us forgot as we were going in. Oi!

My problem is I can't forget.

Maybe some sand in Rexina will help, eh? When are you leaving?

Not sure. We haven't worked all it out yet. I mean, nothing's booked, is it?

Don't know.

It's creepy, John. Is everyone going at the same time?

No, I don't think so.

You guys are going, yeah? Yeah, but we're not sure when. We might spend some

time on our own for... What's this island called?

What? The island you like so much.

Oh, Samos.

Still OK for Monday?

Sure. So it's all right, is it, having you spoken?

I'm just telling you, coming. I'm not going to ask permission.

A life in the day of Rabbi Diane Warburg.

I'm the early riser, so I usually take my husband's time in a cup of tea, blah,

blah.

I visit a hospital close to the Polytechnic in case Simon and I might

chance to grab a sandwich in a pub nearby, unless, of course, he's screwing

mistress, blah, blah.

Simon's usually home first, so there are times when lust makes him late, so I

put the casserole on a low light.

Seen we've got the decorators in?

Yes.

Someone's just turned up in the van.

They left a pig's head on the step.

Always makes me laugh. What effect do they think it'll have? Bring us out in

boils or something?

Who are they?

Who does this sort of thing?

People.

Sick people.

Sick people, yeah.

Sick with hate.

They hate Jews.

Or blacks.

Or Asians. Or Poles. Or Catholics. Or women.

Mostly they just hate someone that they...

No.

Have you spoken to him? No.

I've written to him.

Asking for a divorce.

Diane, have you thought about this? Of course not.

If I thought about it, I'd go crazy.

I was walking rings around their back foot.

Yes, well, you ought to try running next time.

Preferably towards their goal.

You'd have more chance of scoring.

What game are you watching?

I had two off the woodwork. More like one off the wrist.

Bastard! I was only joking, Frank.

Why didn't you tell me about this? About what?

Marilyn gave me the mail, that's all I know.

Turn the car around.

What is it?

Turn the bloody car around.

Stop.

What?

VAT.

Oh, where are we going, the airport?

Very funny. No, my accountant.

Oh, sod it.

Not home?

Oh, yeah, he'd be home, all right. He'd be in the back garden burning saveloids

for a load of old hoo -rays.

Anthony, carrots and potatoes.

No carrots.

Alex, carrots and potatoes.

Jonathan.

No carrots.

Or potatoes.

Or chicken.

You must have something done.

I'm not eating till Daddy gets home.

Here we have several days in the life of Rabbi Diane Warburg.

Not forgetting, of course, her husband, polytechnic lecturer Simon Weidman.

Oh, here they are on their wedding day.

The comatose hippo in the corner is actually the bridegroom's mother.

Here they are again in the garden of their modest little home.

a short time after discovering that their first child, a son, had been born

deaf.

Good thing the wind didn't change or they'd have been stuck with those brave

little smiles forever.

Simon and Diane.

Diane and Simon.

Simon and Diane.

Jonathan and Anthony are on hunger strike.

So it's you, Perrin.

Your mariner was married, wasn't he?

Yes. How long were you and he... Seven years.

A lot of people must have known about it.

He must have gone to parties.

Cinema. Things like that.

Look, it was different.

Hugh's relationship with his wife was terrible. They never slept together,

hardly saw one another.

It was all a front.

Perhaps that's what Simon told her.

Oh, look, I found it.

That picture of you and me together at St Hilda's.

All those years ago.

Happy days.

Were they?

Oh, miss everyone.

Sorry it's changed so long, I had to go and squeeze the oranges.

Oh, dear.

Have they been enjoying themselves?

All right, well, as long as you enjoy yourself.

Hello?

Yeah.

I don't know.

Extended bars, Yuri.

Who cares as long as it gets there?

Remind me, what sort of percentage are we getting?

Where is he?

Oh,

right.

Very nice.

Lots of bubbles. Biscuit.

If he can afford this, he's overcharging it.

Brian?

Brian?

I think I'm in the shit.

Why is he coming to your flat?

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe it's those couple of companies I've got registered there.

Yeah.

Hot flushes.

Yeah, you're not the only one.

Plumbing company, wasn't it?

Plumbing and double glazing.

Kept the plumbing stock and sold the double glazing cold call lists.

So?

I don't want to know whether you paid VAT on the purchase or charged it on the

sale.

Only if you didn't, that could well be why you're getting a visit.

Come on, Flummy, you know me and VAT, Brian.

I keep hoping I'm going to wake up one day and the whole thing's gone away.

As your accountant, all I can say officially is that your tax and VAT

were prepared by my office, using information given and guaranteed by

and that your signature was appended to East Optimus, stating that in your

belief the return was honest and accurate.

And unofficially?

If you've been evading it, Frank, it's bound to be a substantial fine.

Could be a prison sentence.

Look.

Don't make yourself available tomorrow, all right?

I'll pretend I'm trying to reach you. Play the wally, okay?

Give me time to sort something out.

Turn the

music down a bit, will you?

What? Turn the bloody music down. I'd quite like to have a conversation with

somebody.

In God's name, does everything you ever do have to be accompanied by that awful

row? Every shop you go into, every restaurant, every car going down the

street. You step onto the tube, there are dozens of idiots with, what do you

call them, Walkmans, hitting like androids.

Better now?

I never meant it. No?

What did you mean it to come to?

I never intended to leave you.

Don't leave me.

I kicked you out.

Which is why we're sitting in this pretentious dump, drinking this

bad wine and trying to make decisions about the rest of our lives.

It's stupid, Diane.

You'll change, sir.

Happy families?

Some chance you've worked every evening for the last third. You married a rabbi,

remember?

Oh, and by the way, while we're on the subject, I checked with the boss and it

seems that adultery is still a sin.

Well, you know what I mean. I didn't want any of this to happen.

Oh, sure, you hoped I'd go on being your wife, looking after the kids, managing

your house, sleeping in your bed.

Oh, and blissfully, the fact that you were taking the occasional night off to

sex and sin with another woman.

I expect you also hoped that if I ever found out, I'd be a bit upset.

I'd tell you how naughty you were and then buckle down to the business of

a marriage.

Better now?

I know.

I know it must have been difficult to live with sometimes.

But I never thought...

What's her name?

Caroline.

People call her Poppy.

Really? Why?

It's a family name.

How long?

Two years.

Enough for three.

Are you, um...

Have you moved into our place?

You know, I don't want that.

I'm not living with anybody.

Diane, have you thought about the children? Don't you think they need both

us?

Oh, yes.

Yeah, they can have both of us.

Not at the same address.

And I still want to do the deal.

Get my girl to give you a ring tomorrow.

OK, bye.

Hello, what's all this then?

Apple and celery soup, beef bourguignon and apple bros.

Oh, I'll set the table.

Don't bother, it's for tomorrow.

Someone special coming for dinner?

Yes, you, I hope.

And Mark.

Mark?

Look, Dad, there's something I want to say.

You're pregnant?

Yes, that's right.

I was joking.

So was I, but since you were obviously expecting to hear the worst, I didn't

want to disappoint you.

What, then?

I'm in love with someone.

Who?

Mark, of course.

Can't be in love.

You're only 19.

Sounds like saying you can't have sex, you're nearly 50.

Tomorrow, when Mark comes to dinner, well, after dinner, I'd like him to

Here? Yes.

With you?

Yes.

You mean... sleep?

It isn't about that.

No? It's about whether I live here or whether I'm, I don't know, the lodger.

It's about whether you think of me as an adult or a kid.

I'll have to think about it. I'd like to know now.

You're only 19.

You said that.

You didn't imagine I was a virgin, did you?

I'll still have to think about it.

How long have they been married?

I'm not sure.

14 years or so.

How was she?

What do you think?

Well, they've all done it.

What?

Had a bit on the side.

A bit of spare.

What is that?

What? No, you know, it's different.

I mean, you were the bit of spare.

Sounds a bit of a joke, doesn't it?

Playing away from home.

Bringing on the sub.

It's a game.

Look.

I didn't mean it like that.

I just meant it can happen to anyone.

Yes, I suppose so.

Hey, why don't we stay at my place one night?

But don't you... I mean... What about Jade?

Jade will be fine.

Really? Yeah.

Look, it's time.

She's got her own life to lead without worrying about what I'm up to.

You mean she's got her own sex life to lead?

Sure, exactly.

I mean, we are sharing a flat.

There's got to be a bit of live and let live, isn't there?

Does there?

Of course.

I mean, she's 19.

Here, did you order extra anchovy, extra pepperoni, extra chilli beef and extra

sweetcorn?

Must be mine, then.

Look,

Dad is home.

Hi, kids.

Come and talk to me, come on.

I don't know. I don't know whether I've got time.

Yeah,

well, I'll try, Minda. I don't know if I've got time. You should be in bed.

You should have done your homework ages ago. You've got the whole weekend.

I'll come and see you later.

I thought they'd be in bed. They won't go.

I know something's up.

We've said everything there is to say, haven't we? I hope not.

You might have asked if it was convenient, your coming here. It's my

Not anymore, it isn't.

Phone next time.

I'm giving a lecture tomorrow. I had to collect some books, you know, some

papers. I know, I know. Life goes on.

Yeah.

Phone next time.

What have you told him?

That you've gone somewhere else to live.

For a bit.

Do you say I've gone somewhere else for a bit?

No.

Look, Diane, I'm not exactly having fun, you know.

I miss the boys.

I miss you.

I've said I'm sorry so many times, it must be true.

I'm staying in such a squalid hotel that even the cockroaches complain.

What more do you want?

I didn't ask you to seek out neutral territory. That was your lawyer's

wasn't it? Oh, I haven't got a lawyer, Diane, you know that.

You might need one.

If the hotel's as bad as all that, why don't you go live with her?

Go live with Poppy.

She's married.

Isn't she?

colleague and I'm phoning you about work.

Yeah,

I do understand, but couldn't you just get out for an hour or so?

I don't know, just tell him what you usually tell him.

Listen, Poppy, I'm on a payphone in a hotel corridor and my life's in ruins

I just want to talk to you.

Yeah.

Yeah, okay, okay.

We're talking. I love you.

Now, that's been signed. She can send a copy of that to Brian Appleford.

Here, Martian Barton. She can PP that. That's for filing.

Annabelle.

Isn't that a bit of posh you had in the shower?

That is a business letter and you're out of order. And that is a formal refusal

for your request for a pay rise. Tell Marilyn to post it to you.

It'll be a waste of time to ask.

Well, what are you going to do about this VAT bloke?

Play for time, I guess.

No point in appealing to his better nature. Get serious.

You can't even join the VAT office unless you've had a charm bypassed.

They never smile, not even as babies.

It's sinister.

I suppose you could always top him and lob his body in the Thames.

Go on.

Let him in. Then push on.

Mr Carver, he's through there.

Ah, Mr... Stern.

Stern, yeah. Well, come on in.

Fancy a drink?

Coffee? We should be at your point of work, by rights.

This isn't your point of work. Sorry? Point of work. Business accommodation.

The office?

Registered premises.

Well, the builders are in.

But you have companies registered at this address.

Interesting. No, thank you.

What? You offered me refreshment. No, thank you.

We should get down to work.

Yeah, well...

Easier said than done, mate.

You see, I've been trying to get hold of my accountant all morning.

No -one seems to know where he is. Mystery.

Perhaps he's been kidnapped by creatures from another planet.

Unlikely. Probably playing golf.

Yeah, probably playing golf.

Never mind.

We can make a start.

One thing, I'd like to see the receipts and bankings for the sale of stock from

a company called Hot Flushes.

Where are the books?

Books? Audit and account books, yes.

Wouldn't happen to know what they look like.

Wakey, wakey.

Chicken legs, samosas, celery, yoghurt, wine.

Eccentric but nourishing.

And two lemon whites with sticky fingers.

We're in training.

Yeah, for Greece.

Yeah, I'm really looking forward to it.

Who was it? Someone famous born on Samos?

Pythagoras, inventor of left -sided triangles.

Can we stop in Athens?

For a day, anyway. I want to see the Parthenon. You know, corny but crucial.

Yeah, sure.

Apparently there is an enormous new development around Parthenon now.

Shopping centre, five movie screens, leisure facilities.

Is there?

Yeah. It's called the Oedipus Complex.

Just like a historian's sneer at psychology.

Jade, look, um... She's out this evening.

You are coming?

Oh, sure.

It's just... I don't expect too much.

Meaning?

Well, you might not like me.

You might not like him.

No, no, not that.

It's just that from what you say, he's a bit of a jack -of -the -lad, isn't he?

You know, free market cowboy in a way. Meet him, not marry him.

Do it for my sake. You'd have to meet him sooner or later.

Why? Because I love you.

No books.

No files.

No VAT invoices.

No VAT receipts. No record of hot flushes.

No trace of the 4 ,000 vanity units and 8 ,000 power showers they had in their

warehouse at the time of purchase.

It would be in my office, all the paperwork, all my accountants. If you

opinion, Mr. Carver, I think that it is almost certain that your accountant will

deny all knowledge of any documentation and that your office will yield nothing.

It is my suspicion, Mr. Carver, that you have been criminally mendacious.

To put it another way, on the fiddle. No, I have not. Oh, yes, you have, Mr.

Carver. I can only think of one way out of this mess for you.

Make a clean breast of it.

No.

Offer me a bribe.

Well, I'm not sure of the exact weight, but it's heavy and it needs to get to

Africa fast.

All I need from you is an agreement in principle.

You ship it for us and we let everyone know that you're the airline with a

heart.

Yes.

Yes, I will.

Yes, his name's Bob Pierce. He'll be in touch.

Bang. Bye.

So that's how you move mountains, is it?

Do you want some coffee?

No, thanks.

I'm going home in a minute. So should you.

Simon's there collecting some things. That's why I'm here.

Oh, apart from signing checks for you.

I've cancelled my adult discussion group.

Where are the boys?

Oh, the au pair have taken them to my mother's.

Why avoid him? He probably wants to talk.

Yep.

He does.

I don't.

Come on.

I'll split a cab with you.

Oh, no, no, I've got a car.

That's one thing he won't be collecting.

Can you put me up for the night?

Quick, Donald.

Oh, I'm sorry, Rabbi.

Frank, you're a man.

There's something I want to ask you.

If you had a nice wife like me, early middle age, marks and sparks, woolen

polyester, mixed suit, figure slightly scraggy but makes dynamite Boston eggs,

would you spend your lunch hour having it off with a tall, slim, beautiful

blonde sex bomb?

What are you doing?

Perhaps we should go ahead and eat.

It's burnt.

Stuck to the pan.

Stone cold.

Totally ruined.

Okay, apart from that, though?

Her name's Poppy.

Well, it's really Caroline, but everyone calls her Poppy.

She's 29.

She lectures in foreign studies.

I don't even know what she looks like.

Three years.

Damn, nearly three years.

Why did I never suspect?

How could I have been so stupid?

Even when he stopped making love to me, I blamed myself.

Forgetting to be attractive for him, I thought, so I went out and bought new

make -up.

Well, perhaps he was trying to prove something.

What?

Well, I don't know.

He can still pull the birds.

Male ego.

Is this a theory about Simon, or is this a theory about yourself?

Well, it could be either.

It's a theory, though, isn't it?

Well, if he was running potently, Tess, he took long enough about it.

Maybe the results were a bit up and down.

God knows where he is.

There are times when I know how parents feel.

In some ways, it'll be good that he and I spend a bit of time apart this summer.

A bit of a break for us both.

You still haven't told me when you want to leave, by the way.

Oh, um, I thought we said the first week of August.

Oh, I thought we said the last week of July.

Does it matter?

Well, I don't mind doing the organising, but I have to know when we're going to

leave.

Sure.

Sounds like a lot of hassle.

I just want to spend some time with you.

I don't care whether it's on a Greek beach or Chipping Norton.

Where's Chipping Norton?

God knows.

Anyway, Dad's fixing the ticket, so he'll have to be given the date.

Is he?

Apparently he can get us a special deal.

Ah, tell us about it.

It's not the sex.

I don't care about that.

I've been deceived for so long.

When I think of the lies he must have told.

The sheer creative energy involved.

Such a mug.

No, thank you, love.

Can you think of a single reason why I shouldn't divorce him?

About half a dozen.

Or can you think of a single reason why I should divorce him?

About half a dozen.

Perhaps you should ask yourself why he didn't leave.

No, I shouldn't.

I can ask you, though. What's your theory?

Perhaps he doesn't love her.

But does that automatically mean he does love me?

If I divorce him, at least I'll know what's going to happen next.

Give me something to do.

I'm staying after all? No.

I'm sorry.

Usually it's people needing advice from Rabbi Warburg.

Now Rabbi Warburg needs the advice and you're the only friends I can ask.

For which, thanks.

Don't be silly.

I never gave you any dinner.

I feel OK. Yeah, I'm not hungry.

You sure are not. Yeah, I'm fine.

I'll be OK. Don't worry.

Hi.

I'm Frank Carver, Jade's dad.

You're Mark.

Yeah, I am.

She cooked dinner, didn't she?

I suspect I'm in there.

I had to go.

I had a friend in need, you know.

Sure.

Right, well, I'll... I'd better leave you to take Jade to bed.

Well, I don't mean... I mean...

Hello, Diane Warburg.

I must have said something to annoy them, I suppose.

Here, what about river taxis bringing the punters up under a glass -covered

pontoon? Shops, restaurants, nice little casinos discreetly tucked away?

Oh, yeah.

All I can see is a crumbling old mooring with effluent pipes on either side.

Thanks. It's what I've always told you, no vision.

That's why you drive and I check the FD index.

I mean, you just see a tatted stretch of riverbank. Me?

I see an investment opportunity.

I see a fleet of river taxis. You see... Tug! Eh?

Well, I wouldn't be little about it, yeah.

No, Tug.

That's his name.

Whose name?

The BAT man.

No, it wasn't. It was Stern.

No, it's not.

Listen, you remember I was working the minicabs? Days off, couple of years ago.

He was a regular.

That's what they called him, Tug.

Yeah, he's a tea leaf.

No. Looks like he's gone up in the world, promoted to con man.

I dropped him two grand.

Oh, dear.

Don't worry.

He asked for ten, came down to four.

He's collecting the other half from the office tomorrow morning.

And I won.

He said there were four of them.

Could be five.

Spit it out.

What did the police say?

How to find five racist thugs amongst so many.

It's them!

Excuse me.

I only wanted that.

You're getting flabby.

We're talking again now, are we?

Even if it is only insult.

Where are you going?

Mark's collecting me. Why?

Well, I don't know. It's just that Tessa's coming over and we thought you

like to come out for dinner with us.

Sorry.

Then she's coming back.

To stay the night?

Mark stayed, so now Tessa's staying. Is that it?

Everything's a deal with you.

You don't want her to stay the night.

I didn't say that.

OK, then.

As if I'd willed it somehow.

What?

Wanted it to happen.

Yes, I know what you mean.

It's just that I don't know what you mean by what you mean.

Well, it's psychology.

When something like this happens, splitting up, when you want the other

person to have an accident or get ill or something, then they can't leave you.

Or if you're kicking them out, you don't have to do it just yet.

Why do it at all? Because it's what I want. Do you? Yeah. No.

Please don't go yet.

No, OK.

Fancy fish and chips?

Got caught up in traffic, I expect.

He hasn't got a car.

Ah.

Maybe that's why Tess is late.

Hasn't got a licence.

Legolas in charge.

Could always send out for

pizza.

I've brought him his things.

Well, you should have brought them a little earlier.

Can't I just have a word with him?

Not really.

It's a little late.

How are the kids?

I knew you'd ask that, damn it.

Fine.

So how are they?

They're fine.

This... This doesn't change anything, you know.

I'm sorry, I should have phoned.

I lost track of time.

You hadn't cooked or anything?

No, I hadn't cooked.

Missing boyfriend.

Probably stuck in traffic.

Hasn't got a car.

Oh.

Pastor makes in the fridge.

Oh, good.

Any bacon?

Where in Greece?

Samos first.

Then ran some of the other islands.

How long are you going for?

Three weeks.

But you've got all summer, haven't you?

I'll make some coffee.

Did you ever go away for the whole summer as a student?

Yes, I did.

Look, he's just worried about you.

Fathers are allowed.

I just wish he'd own up to the fact that I'm an adult, legally.

All right, Mr Friedman.

Are you comfortable?

I'll make a living.

Sorry?

Nothing.

Jewish joke.

You met him, didn't you?

Jade's boyfriend.

Not under the best of circumstances.

I hope there's a good reason for his not showing up.

She says she's in love with him.

You make that sound impossible.

She's 19.

Legally an adult, emotionally a woman.

If you can't see that, look closer.

Perhaps that's him.

Sure, I understand.

No, it's okay.

No, no, it's okay.

I didn't want to go to Greece, really.

Nothing but ruined buildings and doner kebab.

Might as well be in Tooting Beck.

I told him I loved him.

Was that where I went wrong?

You didn't go wrong.

It hurts.

Yes.

Oi!

Just what do you think you're doing, Mr Carver? That's my briefcase.

Well, we have been a busy little con man, haven't we?

Mostly cash, as we expected.

Oh, a few cheques from the unwise.

Which means, Tug, my old mate, that there must be an account in some bank

thinks you really are Mr. Stern.

You can have all this. Oh, I know that, Sunbeam.

But I suspect there's a lot more somewhere.

Well done, Tug, my old mate. You've just become an anonymous donor.

What is this feed?

A worthy cause.

You didn't have to nick the lot.

Why not? You did.

I'd love to bring your idea.

No, mine, actually.

First I thought, a Greek restaurant, seeing as she's not going to Greece.

thought, how tactless. And then I thought, oh, what the hell. It was a

idea.

What will you do with your son?

I don't know.

It'd be good to get away, though.

Get away?

A break, time to think.

I did love him, you know. I still do.

I haven't changed.

Do you believe me?

I suppose so, yeah.

You don't sound very sure.

Well, no, it's not that.

He was a very nice bloke.

Just couldn't work out what you saw in him, that's all.

I wonder if anyone's ever said that about you.

What do you mean?

You don't make choices about who you fall in love with, do you?

If love was about common sense, it wouldn't be love.

All right, I get it.

Met the Carver.

Phone call. New York. Oh, thank you.

It's half past four that time. Just give me the money for Carver's walk.

He did say, didn't he?

Seemed as if he did, yes.

Do you think he's letting me grow up at last?

Just possible.

He might even be growing up himself.

Perhaps we're having a good effect on him.

Here's to Pythagoras.

Okay.

Why? Invented the lopsided triangle.

Oh.

Love hurts, there's no doubt about it. Love hurts,

but who can live without it? Oh, how love hurts, so you better run

and hide. But remember,

love hurts, you just heard it.

the...

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