Original subtitles

you

Oh, my God!

I

was

having a terrific dream.

Who was that, the music?

Zupine. Sounds more like feeding time.

Whatever happened to the flower pot then? Herman's ermine. Jerry and a

pacemaker. Jerry won't be the only one in need of a pacemaker if you carry on

like that. Why do you have to be so... What?

This rubbish.

What rubbish?

This is rubbish.

That horrible music is rubbish.

What's this?

Please go rubbish.

That Sigmund Freud was a bit of a troublemaker, wasn't he? Not the essay.

The essay's a possible B+. That typewriter is rubbish.

Look, it's just that I'm not used to all this mess.

What are these clothes doing here? On their way to the washing machine, all

right? I'll do it. No, I'll do it.

Trouble is, you're not used to it.

What? Living with other people.

I know it takes understanding and give and take on both sides.

I can always move out.

No. Look, you are a bit untidy, aren't you?

That is one way of looking at it.

What's the other?

I'm normal and you're anal retentive.

You must be Christopher Hamilton.

Chris.

Hello. Hello.

Look, I'm sorry about... Well, anyway, welcome back.

Thanks. Nice to meet you at last.

I'm really sorry. I tried to get in early. The traffic was a nightmare.

I'm pushed for getting her to school, so I've got to call in early to say I'll

be a bit late.

Sorry, I'll make it up.

Back in half an hour.

I'm double -cast in yellow line.

Chris! Bob!

Couldn't see you back. Hello, Ben.

I'll see you a bit later.

Morning. Morning.

Here you go.

Tea and a fry -up.

Everyone needs a good breakfast.

Sets you up for the day.

So, she reckons you're constipated.

What?

No.

Ain't no retentive.

You know, fussy, picky.

Always banging on about tidiness.

Yeah, well, she's right, isn't she?

Come on. What's giving you the ump?

It's that bit of posh, isn't it?

No. I haven't seen her for three weeks.

Well, it's no good having to hang around for it.

Totty on tap, that's what you need.

Here.

Have that lot humanely destroyed.

Windsor's the furry part.

Yes, Brian.

Well, I don't know. Check the annual turnover, stuff like that.

What?

Well, you're my accountant, Brian. You check it.

You tell me whether I can afford it.

No, Brian, that is not the right answer.

Yeah. Bye.

You got any baboons?

Bloody nuisance baboons.

Tear your windscreen wipers off, muck all over your bonnet.

Here, have a look at that.

I thought you were going after the safari park.

Yeah, I am.

I'm having a look at that as well.

Security firm.

Go for the safari park.

Better class of animal.

The tyres.

The tyres.

We can do this as a four -page leaflet or a single folded sheet.

Two colours, all black and white.

How many of these do we produce a year? We do one for each project. I wanted to

read this thoroughly before I spoke to you about it. Now that I have, I'm

you to withdraw it.

We could look at this later.

Yes, sorry. Thanks, Keita.

Look, shouldn't we agree... To differ? No, not really. You're going too fast.

Perhaps. But they did make me the driver.

I haven't been here since I was a kid myself.

You wouldn't recognise the place.

Could always put something in the washer jets, I suppose.

It's just like being in Africa.

What?

Boons. Sulfuric acid in the washer jets. That'll sort them out.

You actually thinking of buying it, then?

Actually buying Windsor Safari Park?

Well, why not?

My mum never let me have a pet when I was a kid.

Oh, terrific.

Why don't you give Peppa a bell?

That's what the old Frank Carver would have done.

Or the young Frank Carver.

Look, I don't think you've even begun to understand how we work here, not now.

Sorry, it's me, you.

Hi,

it's Frank.

Frank who? Frank who must be obeyed, that's who.

Don't you sound like a knock -knock joke.

Why don't we have dinner soon?

I'll pay.

Frank who won't take no for an answer. Here's your answer, Frank. No.

Oh. Oh, right.

Yeah, fine.

Well, we'll leave it open then, shall we?

Yeah, I'll call you.

Bye.

You'd do better pull him down the pub of an evening, wouldn't you? I mean, you

can still have a go at this charity event.

Hey, we haven't had a day out like this in years.

Enjoy yourself.

I am. Aren't you tough?

What do lions eat?

Christians. Yeah?

No wonder they look peaky.

You don't like the ideas in my report because you have an automatic prejudice

against business methods. You think we should be vague.

Low profile, glowing with compassion, oddly smug and largely ineffective.

No, I'm prejudiced against wasting money, that's all.

You want to spend £10 ,000 to develop a house style.

That's outrageous. It's not outrageous, it's bloody reasonable.

It could easily cost twice that.

There's a new charity formed in this country. Every half hour, we're all

competing for funds from a very small pot.

Serious money raised a quarter of a million initially, but it's slowing down

now. We have to keep up a high profile.

If I'm to have any effect on the way Seed is funded, it's because I know

the people who work in finance and industry.

They have to recognise us. That's why logos, that's why house style.

Look, I'm not saying it won't work. What I am saying is Charles Tremaine, the

MP. Yes, he said he'd be delayed at the house.

Could you meet him at Selhurst Park, 7 o 'clock for a 7 .30 kick -off? Does that

make sense? Thanks.

Charles Tremaine.

Tessa.

Oh, I'm sorry you had to make your own way. Come and sit down.

This is a novelty, Charles.

I thought you were a rugger man.

No, no, no.

No, soccer's my game. I'm passionate about it.

I'd rather miss the three -line whip than the Crystal Palace game.

You don't mind?

Not at all. It'll be fun.

If you'll explain to me how many tries they have to score before they get a

corner. Well, no, they don't... Here.

You in or out?

Do you mind?

Don't be daft. I've seen a man in his knickers before.

Dinner, in or out?

Out. Because I'm microwaving something.

Are you? What?

Something out the freezer.

Not sure what. The label's come off.

Definitely out.

When was this?

Limbaugh.

Not sure when exactly.

There's something missing.

Where? Mum.

You've covered her up.

I'm holding hands with you on one side and the young Jimmy Greaves on the

Well, I wanted a picture of you.

But not a picture of her.

Well, not that exactly.

I mean, we're not married anymore, are we?

Yeah.

What do you mean? It's not the first time you've seen a man in his knickers.

Sounds a bit of a pain, this Bob Pierce.

Yeah, he is.

I don't think he means to me.

Well, this is terrific.

I grew up in the 4th Division.

Deprived childhood.

Who, Bob Pierce?

He lives with his mother.

No, I meant you.

No, my childhood wasn't deprived.

Not so sure about my adulthood.

Oh.

Yes, I'm sorry, I heard about you and Hugh breaking up.

I assumed you'd heard.

Otherwise we wouldn't be having dinner now, would we?

Why didn't you give me a ring when you applied for this job? You knew I used to

be in overseas development.

I could hardly bother you on the strength of having met you a couple of

with Hugh.

Well, Tessa, I would have liked to have got to know you better, but... Well,

while you were with Hugh, it would hardly have been the right thing to do,

it?

Well, what about her in the red? She looks a bit handy.

You do have a wave of words, Meg.

Here, Harry.

In the red, over there.

She's not a Tom, is she?

Send them over a cup of port and lemon.

You're in a time warp, you know that? I wish I was.

Used to be a straightforward transaction.

A few gins, a bag of fish and chips, followed by a quick knee tremble around

back of the audience.

Was that you who sent the drink over to them two girls?

Do you want a thick here?

What blood type are you, mate? Don't start on me, otherwise I may have to

you. Call an ambulance, Harry.

What do you want, Wesley?

Bubble scotch.

And a beer, Chaser Max.

I've done a bit of research on your security. Oh, Frank.

High profile, good rep, fair percentage of ex -coppers on the payroll.

Despite which they don't look bent, so far as I can tell.

They do some classy stuff.

Company directors, members of parliament.

They're all very dedicated.

You know, well -meaning.

They haven't spent much time in the real world.

Well, where have they been spending their time?

Oh, I don't know. Cloud cuckoo land, for the most part.

Well, deepest Africa, anyway.

They're old -fashioned liberals, really.

They make the occasional reference to the market economy, but they seem to

only the foggiest notion of what that means.

Well, they're idealists.

Nothing wrong with that.

Unless it's counterproductive.

And is it?

I don't seem to have a grasp on the first principles of fundraising.

You have to invest money to make money. No gain without pain.

Sometimes compassion just isn't enough.

You're not planning to stay at Seed?

Yes, I am.

I'll lick the buggers into shape.

Lots of luck.

So you reckon it, then?

Sure.

Nothing goes out on the nod. No villains on the payroll.

VAT in every quarter.

Look, if there was anything dodgy, Frank, I'd have told you.

Honest copper, mate.

Last of a dying breed.

Wesley, you're a black copper. That's the first of it.

What did they say when you sent over the portals?

I'm not interested.

Is he coming down with something? Not tonight, my little boy.

Thanks for the info, Wesley. I'll send someone round first thing to sort out

your mother's bathroom.

We do a turbo -charged bidet that'll bring tears to her eyes.

Any time, Frank.

Thanks, Wesley.

I thought you fancied the safari park.

Yeah. Could go for both, I suppose.

Make the lions into guard dogs, safe in the rock valleys.

Hold up.

I told you we'd be pulled.

Hello, are you Frank Carver?

Yeah, look, of course. Yeah, you know me dad.

You was in the class above him at school, weren't you?

Anyway, see you.

Night.

Enjoyed dinner.

Enjoyed the match. Good.

You know, I always thought you were better than Humana deserved.

Shall I call you?

Yes, yes, that would be nice.

Yes. Well, we can have dinner at the house.

The food's not as good, but there are more professional powers.

Oh.

Chef.

Well, at least someone's gone this evening.

Charming, witty, distinguished, ex -public school.

Who am I talking about? Hugh Mariner or Charles Tremaine?

I'm attracted to the same sort of man. Nothing unusual in that.

No. But your experience with Hugh wasn't exactly positive and life -enhancing,

was it?

I think he's finally moved on.

In which direction do you think?

What's wrong with your plumber?

My plumber? Anyone's plumber.

Is he? He'll chase anything that moves.

If it doesn't move, he'll kick it till it moves. Then he'll chase it.

Well, he seems to be very single -minded about you.

Perhaps he likes a challenge.

Yeah, perhaps he does.

Do you? What?

Or are you a clobbered snob?

Is that some sort of plumbing joke?

Of course it's full of animals, Brian.

It's a safari park, twit.

By tomorrow would be great.

But of course I know it's Sunday.

I'm about to go indoors for my roast beef and Yorkshire pud.

Oh, God, I can smell it from here, Brian.

Lovely.

That's really good news. So when did you find out?

Oh, so when are you moving?

I don't know, Harry. I'm thinking about it.

What about the acting, is it?

Yeah, well, I'm on the wiser. What is all this?

It's a bit difficult.

I realise you've got to give it to someone.

How many papers are you reading? None. I'm on the phone.

I swear I'll give you a decision soon, OK?

No, I'm trying to write this story this day.

I've got a cold.

No. Lunch.

Oh, hang on, Harry.

What is it?

Nothing. Nothing at all.

Except this place looks like a refugee's camp again.

And unless I'm losing my sense of smell, my lunch looks like it's nowhere near

ready. You're right. In fact, it's not started.

You said you'd cook Sunday lunch. I changed my mind.

I spent an extra hour in the pub with the lads because I didn't want to put

under pressure cooking it. Oh, well, that makes all the bloody difference,

doesn't it?

Sorry to have put you to so much extra trouble.

Oi, stop swearing.

Oh, if you want the truth, I'm trying to write this essay and I can't think of a

single thing to say.

Oh, no, that's not like you, is it? Anyway, you weren't writing an essay. On

phone.

You've got no right to hang up on my conversation. Who's this Harry?

And what decision have you got to give him?

Harry's someone I met in a singles bar. I don't know his last name.

The decision is whether I'll sleep with him next week or the week after. Depends

on whether his wife's away. All I ask... It's a girl, Harriet.

And the decision's none of your business.

I'm absolutely starving.

Roast beef, Yorkshire pud, sprouts, roast potatoes, gravy.

Great.

That's what I would have liked too. But me mum's spending the day with her

friends in the Derby and Joan.

If Jade wants to learn how to cook, send her over to me.

I'll give her some cordon bleu.

Thanks, Max.

Oh, you know, it's not easy becoming an instant father.

Just add daughter, eh?

Yeah. Well, you weren't around too much when she was growing up, were you? Oh,

come on. Where do you think the money came from?

Where does she think the money came from?

You don't think about that.

Remember what you were like at 19.

Leave off, Max.

It's not that bad.

Come on, get up.

What's all this?

Orange juice, toast, coffee and that stuff that looks like yesterday's

Thanks.

What's the catch?

There'd have to be a catch, would there?

I just couldn't sleep, that's all.

What's the matter?

Sugar in my coffee.

Well, don't you think, sugar?

You're obviously having trouble keeping track.

Put me on your list, OK?

Jade, daughter.

White, no sugar.

Look, you've never seen anybody in my bed except me. You're right. I must be

cramping your style.

You said that. I didn't.

You're still keen on her, are you?

This Tessa?

No.

Oh, I don't know.

It's over anyway.

You've been up for hours, haven't you? You look knackered.

Go and see her if you feel like that.

What? You know where she lives, don't you? Where she works.

No, she wouldn't.

She gives me a harder time than you do. I'll be told to get lost.

What did she say last time you spoke?

Get lost.

There you are then.

What have you got to lose?

Don't suppose we've had a reply yet, Chris. We've had some positive responses

from the Namibian government, but obviously it's early days.

Er, there's an accountancy meeting on Thursday.

What time?

3 .15.

Never did ask you if you enjoyed your dinner with Charles Tremayne.

Went very well.

On good form, was he?

Yes.

Why? Surprised he didn't give you an autographed copy of his book.

Seen The Independent today?

No.

Full -page article about this new book.

The Giving Racket, a critique of aid in the 90s. Tessa Piggott, director of the

development agency Seed, admitted that some of her own staff live in cloud

cuckoo land, neither understanding nor caring about the importance of the money

they disperse.

I hope he took you somewhere nice for dinner.

Tell her, Pat, somebody scored an own goal.

There's no point in phoning him now.

I'm not phoning him.

Hello?

Greater London Radio?

Bill Watson, please.

Why the hell shouldn't I?

Don't you think it's important to respond? Yes, respond. We should write

authoritatively to the independent.

But I have a chance to debate with Charles Tremaine face to face on GLR and

Toby Travers show.

Local radio, big deal. It's a syndicated show. A lot of people listen.

Even worse, he'll run rings round you nationwide.

You haven't got enough background knowledge.

OK, brief me.

Hello, can I help you?

Yes. Is Tessa around?

Um, she's a bit preoccupied at the moment.

Oh.

I'll wait.

So, where were we?

Oh, yeah. Well, why don't you check it out?

See if the figures tally.

Give them a read.

What made her say all this?

I bet she's played for the month around here, isn't she?

Well, she just thought it was a dinner date.

Date?

It's important to make them understand that we don't waste money.

That's one of the commonest complaints.

Now, the proportion that we spend on administration, for example, is less

a... What

are

you doing here?

I've come to see you.

Hey, it's Giza Tremaine. Do you want him sorted?

What?

Well, I know a few faces that could see to him for you.

I understand a going mate's 500 for a broken arm, 750 for a broken leg.

A bit of a seeing to is a grand and a half.

Now, a hell of a kicking.

Well, that's only a grand.

Cheaper, you see. More fun.

Morning, Squire.

Frank, I haven't the time.

Well, for me, you mean.

For anyone, including you.

Especially you.

And I'm busy.

You want me to go?

Yes.

You don't fancy a spot of lunch?

Frank, please.

No. I don't suppose your dinner's gone down yet, has it?

Date of the outfit?

Used to be.

It's probably three days out of date by now.

You married?

No.

Sensible fellow.

Take my advice, mate. Stay single.

He's a widower.

Pardon? His wife died three months ago of a brain tumour.

Did you see her then, Tessa?

Frank, did you go and get a result? No.

They're more trouble than they're worth, these posh birds.

You can pay a tonne for a night out and not even get a feel.

Shut up.

OK, OK.

Just drive the bloody car.

All right.

What does Brian think of the Safari Park?

What? Your accountant.

Does he fancy Windsor Safari Park?

I was thinking of putting him for elephant keeper.

They've got a chimp at the Safari Park, Max. It drives a car.

Blimey, does it?

It's the stupidest chimp they've got.

Here. Give me that strong -arm personnel list, will you?

I want to meet the workers. Is that the idea?

Not all of them.

Just one.

Hello,

Vic. Do I know you?

You're the limo driver, isn't that right?

Usually. I have days off.

Yeah, but that's your regular job we're strong on.

That's right.

You drive a lot of tops.

MPs.

Ministers sometimes?

Sometimes.

While you're waiting for them, you chat to the other drivers.

Pick up bits of gossip, eh?

Ever hear anything handy about a bloke called Tremaine?

Do I know you?

Not yet, but you will.

I'm your new boss.

Charles Tremaine.

That's the bloke.

Told you we'd make it.

Yeah, only just.

We jumped three weather nights, did twice the speed limit and parked in a

disabled bay.

True.

Hello, Frank Carver.

Yeah, hi, Vic.

Did he?

What, Charles Tremaine himself, you mean?

Yeah.

His company, was it?

Do you mind?

Where's he hanging out?

I reckon he's there now.

Oh, right. I'll go straight over. Thanks, thanks.

Hey, listen.

Sorry it's come up. I've got to go.

I'll see you at the end of the film outside, all right?

OK.

I don't believe this.

I'll see you later, all right?

All right.

If you're trying to be funny, forget it.

I had something to do, that's all.

Tessa's in a bit of a fix. Oh, yeah, great. There's always time for Tessa,

there? Hey, wait a minute. You was the one that told me to go after her. Get

involved in her life. I didn't say choose between us. I didn't say it's her

me. Neither did I, so don't yell at me.

God damn it, I can't do anything right for you, can I? Straight answer, no.

Come on. No, I'll walk home. Oh, don't be so stupid. I'm not stupid, and I'm

not 9. Yeah, well, it's a pity you don't behave like it.

Now, come on. No.

Listen, I've turned my life upside down for you. No one asked you to.

Just because I've got things to do. Just because I can't sit all afternoon

holding your hand, some boring bloody... Just leave me alone. Just go away. Is

he giving you a hard time? Yes.

Mind your own business. I'm her father. No, he's not.

Leave her alone, will you?

Don't try and be a hero, all right?

That's right.

Sling your hook before I call the police, you pervert.

Hi, you're Tessa. Hello, you must be Simon. That's right. It's nice to meet

at last. And you. Hello, boys. Hello.

Something smells good.

May I help?

Certainly not.

Diane won't be long.

She's still at the cinema.

A bit more salt.

It's chicken soup. It's very traditional. It's very Friday night.

Take them through.

Actually, there's this whole joke about chicken soup. I must tell you.

There's this guy.

And he's done, right? He's got some mystery on us. No one knows what he did,

he's on his way out. Yeah.

And every day, his wife makes him chicken soup, because it's his

Here we have it.

Oh, dear.

Alex has just redesigned the glass that your mother gave him.

Anthony, leave it alone. You'll cut your finger. He wants to be a juggler when

he grows up.

You've been having a lively time with child Tremaine.

I've been talking to Bob Pierce.

And reading The Independent.

Well, I shot my mouth off.

I didn't know he was gathering ammunition.

Never mind.

I'll get even.

The Toby Travers show.

That's right.

Bob mentioned that.

He feels he ought to be squaring up to Tremaine, not you.

I know.

I think I probably agree with him. Why on earth?

He's got experience on his side, he's familiar with the anti -aid argument,

there isn't a personal involvement.

No. It was me that Charlie tricked, me he quoted, and it'll be me he debates

with. If Bob went on the show, it would make me seem a coward.

Well, perhaps you ought to discuss it more thoroughly with Bob.

I think Bob and I have said all we need to say on the subject.

He's given me a few helpful hints on how I should behave myself.

I'm 15 years old.

What's the matter?

It's a typewriter. It hates me. It's attacking my essay.

Perhaps it knows more than you think.

You think, though.

Sorry.

Leave things alone. I can't bear it. Leave things alone.

This is hopeless. You don't want me here. You've never wanted me. Not when I

a kid. Not now.

It's all right. I'm going.

That's not true. Then you'll be able to bring breakfast in bed to whoever you

like. It's a real pain having a daughter in the house, isn't it?

Jade, what are you talking about?

Oh, don't worry.

Some of my friends at college are renting a big house in Acton. I can move

there and I won't bother you anymore.

At least I'll be able to feel it's my home.

Oh, don't worry, I'll leave everything tidy before I go.

Your dad in?

Both, though.

All right?

Fine.

Nifty address, this. Very swishy. Very.

Enjoying it, are you?

The high -low?

Great, yeah.

Packed your case, I think.

He doesn't want me here.

What? He doesn't want me.

Did he say that?

He didn't have to.

So, you're off.

I expect he's difficult to live with.

Always criticising me, always putting my stuff away.

You row all the time.

All the time? Enough.

He gets up your nose.

Perhaps you get up his. I do, that's obvious.

There you are then.

Bit of give and take already.

Not going to work, Mac.

Listen.

You've got to try and understand.

It's a bit odd for both of you.

I mean, most kids grow up and leave home.

You grew up and came back.

I mean, he's used to having his own way.

Being on his own.

That doesn't mean he wants to get shot at you.

It's a matter of getting used to it.

Yeah. Don't tell him about this.

Think about it.

Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheinu melech haolam, ashe kidushanu, b'mitzvotav

v'tzivanu l 'chad l 'knei shel Shabbat. Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheinu melech

haolam, b 'orei pori ha 'gafen.

Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheinu melech haolam, amotzi lechem minah haored.

Well, what are we looking at, Nipper?

500 quid.

500 quid?

Leave it, Frank. You're having a go, aren't you?

It's going up to four and a half grand's worth of gear in there.

It's bankrupt stock, Nipper.

All right.

A grand.

Now, that's the best I can do. Oh, come on, man. I can't let it go by that,

Frank. Send it back to the receiver, then.

1 ,500 quid, then.

Anthony?

Look, Diane agrees with me. For you to go on the radio is just pure egotism.

So, he says, Sarah, before I die, I have a confession to make.

This is the guy on his deathbed, Mr Ewan.

Sorry.

No. Oh.

Right.

So he says, I can't go to the grave with this on my conscience. For the last

seven years, I have been having an affair with your best friend.

She looks at him sadly and she says... They're in bed, but that's no guarantee

they'll stay there.

Look, Diane, am I the director of this agency or not?

Oh, Tessa, if we're going to play that game, am I chairman of this agency or

not? Am I embarrassed or not?

OK, maybe you're right, Bob. Maybe Diane's right. Maybe I'm wrong. But that

doesn't matter.

The producer of the Toby Travis show is setting up this debate as a personal

favour to me. Why?

Well, let's just say I don't think he fancies you.

What's this?

Computer word processor and laser printer. It's a present.

You don't want it, then?

I didn't say that.

Late night shopping, were you?

Eh? Oh, it's going on 10 .30. Is it?

Well, I know someone in the business. I bet you do.

I can always find a use for it at the office. No chance. I want it.

I'll call it Ozzy. What?

You remember Ozzy?

You'd missed eight visits in a row.

I was upset, so you bought me a pony.

Yeah. Well, I wanted to make it up to you. You should try keeping a pony in a

-foot garden.

Yeah.

And I wasn't there very much, was I?

No.

Well, I'm here now.

Yes, you are.

Thanks a lot. Thanks. Bye.

Bye.

Oh, good luck tomorrow. Oh, thanks. I'm going to need it.

Here, wait a minute.

The wife looks at the husband sadly, and she says, the affair I've known for

years. Why do you think I've been poisoning your chicken soup?

Thanks very much.

Good night.

Good night.

Night. Do you want a lift?

Oh, no, thanks.

I'll take a cab.

Yes, sir.

Thought you might explain that chicken soup joke to me.

Okay. Well, I can't explain it to you very well because I don't think I was

listening to you.

I didn't ask you to give up your Saturday.

I'm making up time that I owe.

My hours are a bit erratic at the moment.

My life's a bit erratic, to tell the truth.

How are you coping? All the evidence isn't in yet.

Chris, your daughter, what's her name?

Ben.

Well, it is now.

Sorry? We had a dog called Ben.

It died.

She's a bit fed up with things dying.

People.

So she called herself Ben.

I'm not sure of the psychology, but it seems to make her happy.

What's her real name?

Isabel. Would you call her?

Ben.

Well, thanks for these.

Okay.

Frank, I'm up to my ears.

I'm on radio in a few hours crossing swords with a particularly slimy

called Judith Tremaine. I'm swatting. I can't think about anything else. OK?

That's one of the reasons that I'm here.

Look.

What's this?

On the left, three projects undertaken with government funds. Two in India, one

in Africa, co -funded down. Now, on the right is the company that was given the

contract. Charles Tremaine was a director of that company.

But he never declared an interest.

That's why he's no longer a minister at the ODA.

Where did you get this?

Bit of gossip, bit of ear -wigging, rest was research.

Easy.

You're crazy. I'd never use something like this.

Why not?

Judas Tremayne did.

Well, support.

You didn't have to. Everyone needs a Jewish mother sometimes.

Hello, darling.

Well, I think this is going to be fun, don't you?

Probably more fun for me than for you, I suspect.

This is Diane Warburg, the well -known rabbi and broadcaster.

Diane, this is Charlie Pigsbumface, the well -known two -faced lying toad.

Tea up.

Why do they never write these instruction manuals in English?

I've completely lost an essay.

Well, it must be in there somewhere. Well, God knows where.

Isn't your Tessa on the radio?

Not my Tessa.

Who's Tessa, then?

Tessa's Tessa.

No -one's suggesting a cure. I'm glad you're prepared to admit that.

The plain fact is that many experts in the field now agree that aid often does

more harm than good. Oh, really? Let me explain why that is so.

A very high percentage of money donated to charities is routinely spent on

administration. I don't know where... Moreover, please, I really must be

to finish.

Moreover, those funds that do find their way to their destination somewhere in

the third world are often administered by corrupt officials.

The point that I've been trying to... By corrupt officials who often

misappropriate funds...

Donations made in good faith by people in this and other countries. It isn't

what I've been trying to say. We should take a break there, but the debate

continues, so stay tuned.

Not doing all that well, is she?

Well, she's got the ammunition if she wants to use it.

You pressed that one, though.

Retrieved, didn't you?

You've just deleted the bloody lot.

No. It must be in the memory. It was in the memory until you pressed that. Now

it's only a memory.

I'm sorry.

I was thinking... About something else.

It's GLR.

Why don't you go down there?

Pick her up after the programme. Take her out for dinner.

Tessa, is giving money to agencies such as yourselves simply a racket?

Well, that's what critics like Mr Tremaine would like us to believe.

I'm sorry, I really must interrupt here.

It's aid agencies like the one, Miss Piggott runs, that have left Africa

littered with broke contractors and landowners.

Notwithstanding the fact that the majority of these agencies do in fact...

I'm sorry, you've had your say. It's my turn now.

There's something here I'd like Mr Tremaine to look at.

It's an abstract of Seed's administration costs.

I don't know quite who Mr Tremaine is accusing of wastefulness, but those

figures show it's certainly not us.

At Seed, we never spend more than 15 % on expenses, often as little as 10.

So Mr. Tremaine has got that wrong. He's got just about everything else wrong,

too. This is not a party.

The funding we receive is not wasted on flash lifestyles.

Charities like Seed and the people who staff them are not in the perks

unlike some people in Westminster.

We set out to help people to help themselves.

We work with local people using local skills, and we're successful.

Tessa, I'm afraid I'm going to have to stop you there, because this is where we

ask the listeners to join in on the phone. The lines are now open to anyone

wants to join in the debate.

Peter from Barking. What's your opinion, Peter?

All this talk about helping people in other countries. What about the

in this country?

Well, of course I agree with Peter.

I just wish more people did.

I'm glad to say old people are among our most ardent supporters.

Thank you. Now it's Frank from Chelsea.

Evening, Toby. It's Frank here.

Now, listen, I think Tessa Pickett's right.

That Tremaine doesn't know what he's on about.

What in particular do you like about what Tessa Pickett's saying?

Everything.

Yeah. Particularly the sound of her voice.

She sounds like a very beautiful woman.

She's got a better case than Tremaine as well.

She's got a better idea of what she's talking about anyway.

And I bet she's got better legs.

Craig, that's not a very logical way to judge who's the winner in a debate.

No, but it's a lot more fun, though, isn't it, Toby?

You pillock.

Watch out.

Thank you.

Oh, hi.

Did you hear me on the radio?

Yeah, loud and clear.

Look, um...

Look, I've got to go.

Tell Tessa I'll give her a call, OK?

Tell her I had an emergency circumcision.

There,

I'm afraid we've got to leave it. I'll be back after the news with the cooking

spot. My thanks to my guests tonight, Charles Tremaine and Tessa Pickett, and

you for calling in, giving us your views on these important issues.

Oh, and by the way, Frank from Chelsea was right about Tessa's legs.

Goodbye, and congratulations on your success.

Ouch! What was that for?

I know damn well.

It was only a joke.

I knew you'd got him.

What? Well, half the time you were all over the place.

After the break, you were kicking bits off him. He wasn't saying anything.

You showed him the piece of paper, right?

The fiddle? God, you arrogant man!

I can take care of the Charlie Judas remains of this world without... I mean,

who do you think you are, for God's sake? I don't need your help, your

blackmail notes, or your opinion of my legs. You're a clown, Frank, you know?

A clown.

Pathetic.

I know it was well -meaning, the stuff you gave me about Charlie.

You did use it, then.

Come on, I'll buy you a drink. Then you can buy me one.

That phone call was, I mean... You're bloody outrageous, Frank. That remark

about my legs, don't you know what sexist means?

Yeah, someone that's good with their hands, isn't it? Like guitarists,

Sexist.

Sexist.

Tessa!

It can leave you crying.

Love hurts.

It can turn you upside down. Oh, how love hurts.

So if it's just a game that you're playing, you better

know that love hurts.

There's no doubt about it. Love hurts.

But who can live without it?

So you better run and hide, but remember,

love hurts, you just would.