Original subtitles

NARRATOR: Coming up. ..

We're finally gonna get Joe Gatto!

NARRATOR: ...what will Joe find behind door number one?

Joey!

NARRATOR: Sal reveals what he does when he's hungry.

You're all hopped up on sugar,

you make a pass at your best friend,

then you end up, like, shaving each other.

What?

NARRATOR: Murr has a touching encounter.

You're doing too much of that touching [bleep]

NARRATOR: And later...

The polygraph exam is gonna begin.

Did you have a crush on one of your

high-school Spanish teachers?

NARRATOR: ...the guys crown their homecoming

king of the losers.

[ Crowd chants "Loser" ]

In our most outrageous punishment ever.

That's a lie.

[Jeering]

[ Laughter ]

Today we're interviewing house-sitters to watch our place

while we go on vacation.

But it won't be easy, because we've hidden

a lot of strange surprises for each other.

No matter how odd the apartment, we'll have to do our best

to explain ourselves out of the weirdness.

If you can't get someone to agree to house-sit, you lose.

Come on in. Let me show you

around the place.

Make yourself comfortable.

So, kitchen.

Living room--you can feel free to use the TVs.

l have cable TV on the TVs, so...

MAN: Quit stalling, Murr.

Bedroom through here.

Here comes the bedroom!

And, uh...

[ Laughter ]

This is--this is my bedroom.

"It's the fairy tale kingdom."

This is my fairy tale kingdom.

"I'm the princess."

I'm the princess here.

On my bed, I've got some stuffed animals.

[ Laughter ]

"The best way to cuddle them is to be

dressed like a princess when you do it."

The best way to cuddle them is to be

dressed like a princess when you do it.

[ Laughs ]

"So, let me show you how that's done."

Go grab that tutu.

MAN: Yeah, slip that on.

[ Laughter ]

It doesn't sound too crazy. I have a daughter.

You have a daughter?

ALL: "I don't."

I don't.

[ Laughter ]

MAN: Murr, do a little leap in place, then head outside.

OK, let's go chat, OK?

MAN: Yeah. [ Laughter ]

OK.

Take your jacket off. Take your jacket off.

[ Laughter ]

So, you--you want to be my house-sitter?

Yeah, I don't think it'd be a problem.

MURR: It's a pleasure. MAN: Oh, my God!

This is gonna be great.

He's just saying anything to get out of the apartment

with his skin still on.

[ Laughter] [ Ding! ]

MAN: Who's gonna house-sit for a guy that looks homeless?

This is my place.

Oh, it's lovely.

This is what I need someone to look after for me.

OK.

Here's the kitchen.

Let's check out the bedroom.

Let me show you the bedroom.

[Animals howling]

Oh, these are...

Your little pets?

Go ahead, Q. Show her your friends.

You know, we got the fox.

Those are a lot of baby ducks right there.

Uh, wow.

This is a baby duck dressed like a unabomber there.

[ Laughter ]

"Are you OK with petting dead things?"

Um...how do you feel about petting dead things?

Is that gonna be a problem?

[ Laughing] Do I have to?

Do you have to? I sure hope not.

Yeah, she does.

But of course, you do, yes.

At least once a day, I'm gonna need you to pet my armadillo.

[ Laughter ]

So, all right, we'll just ask a couple of questions.

It'll be great. Have a seat.

"Don't touch the closet, even if you hear scratching."

Oh, no, no, no. I mean, I've got a huge closet.

If you hear scratching, don't open it.

It's only because sometimes I get mice in here.

"And I haven't taxidermied them all yet."

And I haven't taxidermied them all yet.

[ Laughter ]

"Anyway, so, you want to house-sit?"

Anyway, do you think you'd want to just house-sit for me?

No. No, thank you.

No? [ Laughter ]

Yes!

MAN: Let's see if you can convince this guy

to house-sit for you.

Just need someone to watch the place.

I've done it a few times before.

"I'm very particular about how clean I am."

The only thing about me is that I'm very clean.

Take some spray disinfectant from the counter there.

Start spraying it everywhere

like the germaphobe you are, buddy.

The thing is that I grew up with a bad immune system, so it's,

like, a couple minor

precautionary measures on my part.

[ Laughing] Keep spraying, keep spraying,

never stop spraying, keep spraying.

[ Laughter ]

This one spot's killing me.

[ Laughter ]

Go pay the bedroom a visit.

Oh, I can't wait till Sal sees this.

The bathroom's here, and then the--

[ Laughter ]

- There's a baby! - There's a baby.

That's a baby.

[ Lullaby plays]

I keep the baby in this room.

Baby is well-behaved.

It's a well-behaved baby.

[ Laughter ]

Very low-maintenance.

Every couple of days, I just give him a little more milk.

He's good. Let's go.

[ Laughter ]

Have a seat.

I'm telling you, he's low-maintenance.

Sal, go over and put the mask and gloves on.

Give me one second. Just want to put this on.

You can never be too safe, especially if we're

talking face to face here.

So, do you think that you might be able to house-sit?

Would you want to house-sit?

MAN: No way. No way.

Sure, I can take care of a baby.

Yes? Yes!

[Ding!]

Were you waiting long?

It's been a bit, but that's OK.

Sorry. Appreciate it.

MAN: We are about to destroy him.

He's never gonna see this coming.

He can't deal with this.

The place has central air.

There's wi-fi, you know?

I got the wi-fi set up.

Cable, of course.

Yeah, Joe, why don't you turn on the TV

and show him all the channels you have?

Got the...

[ Laughter ]

That's my downstairs neighbor.

Um,so, uh...

yeah, there's wi-fi, I mentioned.

Um... [ Laughter]

Well, I have surveillance all throughout the house, you know?

But I have the whole house secured, so you'll

have eyes everywhere.

[ Laughter ]

You know, it's all set, so... this is the bedroom.

Come on in.

We're finally gonna get Joe Gatto!

So, this is...

WOMAN: Joey!

[ Laughter ]

Uh...

[Stammers] Uh, no, s-she...

[ Laughter ]

This is not the gentleman that will be joining us.

I mean, unless he's game.

I don't know if you're interested.

Thanks. So, uh, yeah.

[ Laughter ]

Yeah. I can't believe he's still in there.

It's been a long time.

I just zone it out, so...

- [ Laughs] - Um, no, there's...

MAN: Don't move! Just stare.

Yeah, I'm traveling for work.

[ Laughter ]

So, do you think you'd want to be my house-sitter, or...?

Yeah? Awesome. OK. Thanks, bud.

You have a great night.

[ Laughter ]

What the [bleep]

[ Laughter ]

[Ding!]

NARRATOR: Q is the only one who couldn't

land a house-sitter, so he's sitting alone

on the loser board.

You got to help us! We're lost!

We'll be asking strangers to give us directions

to a place that doesn't exist.

The other guys will be describing

the details of this place by holding up cue cards.

If you can't get a stranger to give you directions

to this made-up place, you lose.

NARRATOR: It's a Joker vs. Joker challenge.

Excuse me. I'm a little lost.

Do you think you might be able to help me out?

I'm looking for-- it's a restaurant.

It's like Taco Bell but a lot more "Chinesey."

Can you help me out? I'm looking for a place.

I don't know the name of it exactly.

It's next to a bakery that smells like baby coyotes.

[ Laughter ]

I'm trying to find...

[ Laughter ]

Have you heard of that one?

Excuse me, miss? I'm looking for, um...

I know it's around here somewhere.

It's like Home Depot, but it's for pasta--Pasta Home Depot?

Yeah, it's like that.

It's...it's near that bar with the B.Y.O. shrimp--

with the bring-your-own shrimp.

[ Laughter ]

You know what I'm talking about?

Yeah, I got to get there in a half-hour because...

[ Laughs ]

because my--[ laughs] my genitalia

is gonna turn into a pumpkin.

[ Laughter ]

You better get there soon.

Do you know where to go?

Oh! Right there?

Oh, the Home Depot--thank you--

me and my pumpkin genitalia, we thank you.

[Ding!]

Sal, we're ready, buddy.

SAL: Are you from this area? WOMAN: Yes.

I'm looking for... the place where...

[ Laughter ]

I'm looking for the place where Ed Koch

got a splotch on his crotch.

[ Laughter ]

OK, well, I know it's near-- I know where it's near.

It's near Michael Dukakis' bachelor pad--

you know what I'm talking about?

I got to get there within a half-hour.

l, uh...l got to find Waldo.

[ Laughter ] WOMAN: Oh!

Yeah, I don't know where he is.

[ Laughter ]

If she's ever heard of it, yeah.

I cannot believe this is happening.

We have made this happen.

Not that Waldo--the one from "Where's Waldo?"

Oh, we're talking about the same Waldo.

SAL: No idea? WOMAN: No idea.

MAN: No! She doesn't know.

NARRATOR: Sal's lost when it comes to getting directions,

but he found his way onto the loser board.

Remember that time I picked you up to go to New Orleans?

Yeah.

And you got all freaked out on me

because I was like, "We'll get there.

Don't worry about it."

You're the only person I know that doesn't

prepare directions on a cross-country road trip.

You go to Florida, you make a right.

[ Laughter ]

We are at the Compare Foods in Brooklyn,

and we are making up words.

The other guys will give us a completely weird-sounding,

made-up word that we have to make sense of.

If you can't get the customer to admit they know

what you're talking about, you lose.

Oh, where did they put it?

Joe, "Dwimplepeen."

[ Laughter ]

MAN: Dwimplepeen? SECOND MAN: Dwimplepeen.

Are you making a hot dish?

Yeah, I remember that.

I had one of the hottest dishes I ever had

in my first dwimplepeen.

[ Laughter ]

You ever been in a dwimplepeen? It's an event where--you know,

when a young kid turns 13 years old, and they get older,

everybody throws confetti at them?

They all spin them in a circle

and they sing the dwimplepeen song.

- How's that go? - You know, it's like...

[Singing] Kingle, kingle, dwimplepeen

You made it to 13

Twingle, kingle, dwimplepeen

Hey! 13 now

So, you ever attend a dwimplepeen?

Did you ever go to one of those?

No. Yeah. You've heard of it, though.

Yeah, yeah. You've heard of a dwimplepeen.

Everybody.

[Ding!]

MAN: I hope you brought your "A" game, Sal.

You got one?

You know you're in trouble. Q's already giggling.

I got a whole bunch of new cafafees.

I'm supposed to feed them-- you know cafafee?

I don't.

It's a pet fish but, like, they recognize the alphabet.

[ Laughter ]

I got ajampaloon coming up, and I need some freeze-dried fruit.

- You know a jampaloon? - No.

It's a--it's when you go on a road trip

with nothing but a puppet, but you force-feed him real food.

With a--what?

Goofdookie. [ Laughter ]

Get all up with the goofdookie.

Excuse me. Do you know if there's

a beer section in here?

Right on that side? OK, cool.

I just got to buy some for my buddy.

[ Chuckles] I totally goofdookied him the other day,

and I just feel like buy him a six-pack and smooth it over.

Cool. Cool.

You know, like a--you ever goofdookie anybody?

I just feel bad about it.

It's, like, on Halloween, you have a lot of candy.

You get all hopped up on sugar,

you make a pass at your best friend,

then you end up, like, shaving each other.

[ Laughter ]

Yeah, good times. Yeah. It was awkward.

I didn't want to talk about it, so I figure I'll

get him a case of beer.

I'll smooth it over, right?

You ever goofdookie anybody?

[ Laughter ]

But you've heard of goofdookie.

MAN: Oh, yeah! He's heard of it.

"Now get away from me."

[ Laughter ]

Take it easy. Thanks.

[Ding!]

MAN: Why are you eating?

Everything he does gets to me.

Just the way he chews and then talks through the chew.

Oh, dude, don't even get me started.

I live with it.

MAN: Murr. M U RR: Yeah?

MAN: Hear that? Listen to his gums.

What?

[ Laughter ]

So, it's short and sweet, baby--"twirling."

Hmm?

- Not "onelini." - Twolini.

Do you know if these are any good?

It's, like, pretty expensive.

Is it good for helping twolini?

'Cause I got a really bad case of twolini right now.

Twolini--it's where-- it's where you go

to your grandfather's wake, you drink too much absinthe,

and then you can't stand up straight for a week afterward.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, he doesn't know about twolini.

You've never heard of that before?

- Mnh - mnh. - Are you serious?

MAN: Oh, he's never heard of twolini.

Are your grandparents still alive?

Oh, that explains it, then.

[ Laughter ]

Q, your word is "pergurt."

- Pergurt! - Pergurt.

MAN: Yeah, that's right. Pergurt.

- P-E-R-- - Gurt.

Here you go--this guy.

Excuse me.

You think this would be good to serve at a pergurt?

Yeah? You think it's about right?

You know what a pergurt is?

Like when you sky dive with a pocket of noodles on the sabbath

and you land and you celebrate?

[ Laughter ]

He's gone! Gone!

I would just like to point out

that he did say he knew what a pergurt is.

He pulled the rip cord on that one.

[ Laughter ]

He did his own pergurt.

Got the pergurt strut going on here.

[Ding!]

NARRATOR: Turns out Murr doesn't have a way with words,

making it a 3-way tie for last.

So far, we've had to do and say whatever we're told.

That, my friends, is all about to change.

Today we get to pick our own poison.

That's right. We've created two

completely different and nearly impossible challenges

for each other to choose from.

If you don't complete the challenge you choose, you lose.

NARRATOR: It's a Joker vs. Joker challenge.

Here you go--two choices.

I've been waiting for this one.

Pick your poison, buddy.

"Pick someone's nose."

[ Laughter ]

- A nose-themed one. - Of course, a nose theme.

That's actually a favor.

[ Laughter ] MAN: For who?

"Talk a woman out of her bra."

There you go, buddy. Get in there.

We gave you the sexy one.

That's impossible.

Picking someone's nose is gross.

Talking a woman out of her bra is near impossible.

I'm gonna go gross over a near-impossible.

MAN: Oh!

How do you talk your finger up inside someone's nose?

I don't know. It's impossible.

Here he goes.

Wow. It's gorgeous out, huh?

inside right now, he's on that bench

knowing the next thing he has to do--

ls put a finger in a stranger's nose.

You're having lunch out in the park.

It's a good place to eat.

He's not gonna do it. There's no way he's doing it.

Oh, you got a little something.

- Yeah, yeah. - Oh! Oh!

- No, no, no. - No. Yeah, it's right...

- Ohh! - It's right up there.

I got you. I'll help you out.

MAN: I could see. [ Laughter]

Oh, that's gross!

It's a feeling of success.

[All groan] [ Ding! ]

- Oh, yeah! - Here we go, Murr.

Pick your poison!

"Give a huge guy a wet willie."

- Easy. Easy. - Yeah, easy.

MAN: Aah!

"Squeeze a guy's butt with both hands for 5 seconds."

[ Laughter ]

This doesn't say a huge guy's butt.

I could go for a small guy.

You might get a second date out of it.

We don't even know.

You might be able to wet willie a guy

on just general wet willie rules.

- Yeah. - Like, "Wet willie!

Ha ha! Got ya!"

I've made my choice.

I am going to squeeze a man's butt for 5 full seconds.

I don't even know how to work my way into this.

There's nobody into getting their ass grabbed

randomly in the park-- you're right about that, buddy.

Are those the--these are the Adidas pants that they sell?

MAN: It's a whole sweat suit. MURR: Do you mind if l--

MAN: Nah, go ahead. MAN: Murray's gonna get killed.

Why is he letting him do this to him?

MURR: The waistband is great. They come around.

They fit real nice and concord in the back, too.

He's doing it right now.

MAN: Here he goes!

MURR: Right here. MAN: He's got contact.

2. 3.

MAN: Yeah, all right.

You're doing too much of that touching [bleep]

MAN: They're nice pants. MURR: They're great pants, man.

That is a thumbs...

ALL: Down.

NARRATOR: Murr bottomed out, making him tonight's big loser.

MAN: Come on, guys. What is--

I'm not singing anything.

MAN: No, it's much, much worse than singing, pal.

Let's go, Murray. [ Laughter]

MAN: Here you go, bud. You got it.

Just keep walking straight.

MAN: Sit right here. How are you feeling?

We're just gonna hook you up to this machine.

MURR: Machine? What machine? MAN: Stay there.

We are at Monsignor Farrell High School on Staten Island,

where we all met, for the ultimate punishment.

Yeah, we're gonna hook Murray up to a lie detector in front of

the entire student body, faculty, staff, priests, nuns.

We're all set. And there you go.

MAN: You got that? MAN: Lie detector test.

Oh, my God!

MAN: No, don't worry. We wrote the questions.

[ Laughter ]

No mercy. No mercy.

Welcome to your polygraph. [ Laughter ]

[ Laughter ]

MAN: All right, so, the polygraph exam

is gonna begin.

Is your name James Murray?

[ Chuckles ] Yes.

That's the only one he's gonna get right.

[ Laughter ]

Do you wax your back?

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughter ]

Yes. [ Laughter ]

That's the truth.

The truth shall set you free!

Did you ever lie to a priest during a confession?

[ Laughter ]

Yes, l--yes. Yes.

MAN: Whoo!

You're a bad person.

That answer is true.

Do you secretly enjoy boy bands?

[ Crowd cheering ]

No.

[Jeering]

That's a lie.

[ Laughter ]

MAN: Busted!

Did you have a crush on one of your high-school

Spanish teachers--Mrs. Lanza?

[Crowd ohhs]

Oh, my God, there she is!

Si.

[ Laughter ]

By the way, your ex-girlfriend Tara is here.

Say hello.

Oh, my God.

[ Laughter ]

Answering truthfully, have you ever cheated on Tara?

Oh. [Crowd ohhs]

No, I have not.

[Crowd ohhs]

That's a lie.

I'm so sorry.

[ Laughter] MAN: No, you're not!

Have you ever tried your girlfriend's underwear on?

Yes, but there's a good explanation for it.

[ Laughter ] That's the truth.

This is what we got on Murray-- this is the big one.

No one knows about this story except us.

Have you ever been somewhat intimate with a stuffed animal?

[ Crowd gasps ]

I'm gonna kill you guys.

No.

[Crowd ohhs]

That's a lie.

[ Laughter ]

MAN: Dirty dog.

Last question. Does it suck to be a loser?

Yes, it does.

[ Crowd cheers ]

That is how you punish someone!

Happy homecoming.

It was good work.

[ Crowd chants "Loser" ]