Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:07,140 --> 00:00:08,232
NARRATOR: Coming up. ..
2
00:00:08,308 --> 00:00:09,798
We're finally gonna
get Joe Gatto!
3
00:00:09,877 --> 00:00:12,345
NARRATOR: ...what will Joe find
behind door number one?
4
00:00:12,412 --> 00:00:14,642
Joey!
5
00:00:14,715 --> 00:00:16,979
NARRATOR: Sal reveals what
he does when he's hungry.
6
00:00:17,050 --> 00:00:18,244
You're all hopped up on sugar,
7
00:00:18,318 --> 00:00:19,512
you make a pass
at your best friend,
8
00:00:19,586 --> 00:00:20,917
then you end up, like,
shaving each other.
9
00:00:20,988 --> 00:00:22,080
What?
10
00:00:22,155 --> 00:00:24,146
NARRATOR: Murr has
a touching encounter.
11
00:00:24,224 --> 00:00:25,885
You're doing too much
of that touching [bleep]
12
00:00:25,959 --> 00:00:27,051
NARRATOR: And later...
13
00:00:27,127 --> 00:00:29,027
The polygraph exam
is gonna begin.
14
00:00:29,096 --> 00:00:30,563
Did you have a crush
on one of your
15
00:00:30,631 --> 00:00:32,724
high-school Spanish teachers?
16
00:00:32,799 --> 00:00:33,891
NARRATOR: ...the guys
crown their homecoming
17
00:00:33,967 --> 00:00:35,059
king of the losers.
18
00:00:35,135 --> 00:00:36,796
[ Crowd chants "Loser" ]
19
00:00:36,870 --> 00:00:38,838
In our most outrageous
punishment ever.
20
00:00:38,906 --> 00:00:39,998
That's a lie.
21
00:00:40,073 --> 00:00:41,165
[Jeering]
22
00:00:41,241 --> 00:00:43,175
[ Laughter ]
23
00:00:44,978 --> 00:00:47,208
Today we're interviewing
house-sitters to watch our place
24
00:00:47,281 --> 00:00:48,407
while we go on vacation.
25
00:00:48,482 --> 00:00:50,177
But it won't be easy,
because we've hidden
26
00:00:50,250 --> 00:00:52,377
a lot of strange
surprises for each other.
27
00:00:52,452 --> 00:00:54,579
No matter how odd the apartment,
we'll have to do our best
28
00:00:54,655 --> 00:00:56,282
to explain ourselves
out of the weirdness.
29
00:00:56,356 --> 00:00:58,085
If you can't get someone to
agree to house-sit, you lose.
30
00:01:00,894 --> 00:01:01,986
Come on in.
Let me show you
31
00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:03,154
around the place.
32
00:01:03,230 --> 00:01:04,492
Make yourself comfortable.
33
00:01:04,565 --> 00:01:07,534
So, kitchen.
34
00:01:07,601 --> 00:01:10,035
Living room--you can feel free
to use the TVs.
35
00:01:10,103 --> 00:01:12,833
l have cable TV
on the TVs, so...
36
00:01:12,906 --> 00:01:15,067
MAN: Quit stalling, Murr.
37
00:01:15,142 --> 00:01:16,666
Bedroom through here.
38
00:01:16,743 --> 00:01:17,835
Here comes the bedroom!
39
00:01:17,911 --> 00:01:19,879
And, uh...
40
00:01:19,947 --> 00:01:21,881
[ Laughter ]
41
00:01:27,120 --> 00:01:28,610
This is--this is my bedroom.
42
00:01:28,689 --> 00:01:29,815
"It's the fairy tale kingdom."
43
00:01:29,890 --> 00:01:31,551
This is my fairy tale kingdom.
44
00:01:31,625 --> 00:01:33,217
"I'm the princess."
45
00:01:33,293 --> 00:01:35,591
I'm the princess here.
46
00:01:35,662 --> 00:01:37,960
On my bed, I've got
some stuffed animals.
47
00:01:38,031 --> 00:01:39,123
[ Laughter ]
48
00:01:39,199 --> 00:01:40,393
"The best way
to cuddle them is to be
49
00:01:40,467 --> 00:01:43,129
dressed like a princess
when you do it."
50
00:01:43,203 --> 00:01:44,500
The best way
to cuddle them is to be
51
00:01:44,571 --> 00:01:46,505
dressed like a princess
when you do it.
52
00:01:46,573 --> 00:01:47,665
[ Laughs ]
53
00:01:47,741 --> 00:01:49,436
"So, let me show you
how that's done."
54
00:01:49,509 --> 00:01:50,601
Go grab that tutu.
55
00:01:56,917 --> 00:01:58,009
MAN: Yeah, slip that on.
56
00:01:58,085 --> 00:01:59,916
[ Laughter ]
57
00:01:59,987 --> 00:02:01,454
It doesn't sound too crazy.
I have a daughter.
58
00:02:01,521 --> 00:02:02,613
You have a daughter?
59
00:02:02,689 --> 00:02:04,350
ALL: "I don't."
60
00:02:04,424 --> 00:02:05,516
I don't.
61
00:02:05,592 --> 00:02:07,526
[ Laughter ]
62
00:02:09,963 --> 00:02:12,124
MAN: Murr, do a little leap
in place, then head outside.
63
00:02:12,199 --> 00:02:13,757
OK, let's go chat, OK?
64
00:02:13,834 --> 00:02:15,529
MAN: Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
65
00:02:15,602 --> 00:02:16,728
OK.
66
00:02:16,803 --> 00:02:18,270
Take your jacket off.
Take your jacket off.
67
00:02:18,338 --> 00:02:20,272
[ Laughter ]
68
00:02:27,247 --> 00:02:29,772
So, you--you want
to be my house-sitter?
69
00:02:29,850 --> 00:02:30,942
Yeah, I don't think
it'd be a problem.
70
00:02:31,018 --> 00:02:32,110
MURR: It's a pleasure.
MAN: Oh, my God!
71
00:02:32,185 --> 00:02:33,413
This is gonna be great.
72
00:02:33,487 --> 00:02:36,081
He's just saying anything
to get out of the apartment
73
00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:38,215
with his skin still on.
74
00:02:38,291 --> 00:02:41,522
[ Laughter]
[ Ding! ]
75
00:02:41,595 --> 00:02:42,994
MAN: Who's gonna house-sit
for a guy that looks homeless?
76
00:02:43,063 --> 00:02:44,155
This is my place.
77
00:02:44,231 --> 00:02:45,323
Oh, it's lovely.
78
00:02:45,399 --> 00:02:47,230
This is what I need someone
to look after for me.
79
00:02:47,300 --> 00:02:48,392
OK.
80
00:02:48,468 --> 00:02:49,730
Here's the kitchen.
81
00:02:49,803 --> 00:02:51,065
Let's check out the bedroom.
82
00:02:51,138 --> 00:02:52,230
Let me show you the bedroom.
83
00:02:56,910 --> 00:02:58,775
[Animals howling]
84
00:02:58,845 --> 00:03:00,710
Oh, these are...
85
00:03:00,781 --> 00:03:01,941
Your little pets?
86
00:03:02,015 --> 00:03:03,983
Go ahead, Q.
Show her your friends.
87
00:03:04,051 --> 00:03:05,643
You know, we got the fox.
88
00:03:05,719 --> 00:03:07,584
Those are a lot of
baby ducks right there.
89
00:03:07,654 --> 00:03:08,985
Uh, wow.
90
00:03:09,056 --> 00:03:11,752
This is a baby duck
dressed like a unabomber there.
91
00:03:11,825 --> 00:03:12,951
[ Laughter ]
92
00:03:13,026 --> 00:03:15,392
"Are you OK with
petting dead things?"
93
00:03:15,462 --> 00:03:18,124
Um...how do you feel
about petting dead things?
94
00:03:18,198 --> 00:03:19,722
Is that gonna be a problem?
95
00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:20,892
[ Laughing] Do I have to?
96
00:03:20,967 --> 00:03:22,400
Do you have to?
I sure hope not.
97
00:03:22,469 --> 00:03:23,561
Yeah, she does.
98
00:03:23,637 --> 00:03:25,002
But of course, you do, yes.
99
00:03:25,072 --> 00:03:27,905
At least once a day, I'm gonna
need you to pet my armadillo.
100
00:03:27,974 --> 00:03:29,771
[ Laughter ]
101
00:03:29,843 --> 00:03:32,471
So, all right, we'll just
ask a couple of questions.
102
00:03:32,546 --> 00:03:34,138
It'll be great.
Have a seat.
103
00:03:34,214 --> 00:03:37,377
"Don't touch the closet,
even if you hear scratching."
104
00:03:37,451 --> 00:03:39,510
Oh, no, no, no.
I mean, I've got a huge closet.
105
00:03:39,586 --> 00:03:41,315
If you hear scratching,
don't open it.
106
00:03:41,388 --> 00:03:43,948
It's only because sometimes
I get mice in here.
107
00:03:44,024 --> 00:03:45,958
"And I haven't
taxidermied them all yet."
108
00:03:46,026 --> 00:03:48,085
And I haven't taxidermied
them all yet.
109
00:03:48,161 --> 00:03:50,026
[ Laughter ]
110
00:03:50,097 --> 00:03:51,894
"Anyway, so,
you want to house-sit?"
111
00:03:51,965 --> 00:03:54,661
Anyway, do you think you'd
want to just house-sit for me?
112
00:03:54,735 --> 00:03:55,827
No. No, thank you.
113
00:03:55,902 --> 00:03:57,665
No?
[ Laughter ]
114
00:03:57,738 --> 00:03:58,864
Yes!
115
00:04:01,475 --> 00:04:02,635
MAN: Let's see if you
can convince this guy
116
00:04:02,709 --> 00:04:04,301
to house-sit for you.
117
00:04:04,377 --> 00:04:05,537
Just need someone
to watch the place.
118
00:04:05,612 --> 00:04:07,079
I've done it a few times before.
119
00:04:07,147 --> 00:04:09,615
"I'm very particular
about how clean I am."
120
00:04:09,683 --> 00:04:11,674
The only thing about me
is that I'm very clean.
121
00:04:11,752 --> 00:04:13,845
Take some spray disinfectant
from the counter there.
122
00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:15,012
Start spraying it everywhere
123
00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:16,749
like the germaphobe
you are, buddy.
124
00:04:16,823 --> 00:04:19,417
The thing is that I grew up with
a bad immune system, so it's,
125
00:04:19,493 --> 00:04:20,790
like, a couple minor
126
00:04:20,861 --> 00:04:22,453
precautionary measures
on my part.
127
00:04:22,529 --> 00:04:25,293
[ Laughing] Keep spraying,
keep spraying,
128
00:04:25,365 --> 00:04:26,764
never stop spraying,
keep spraying.
129
00:04:26,833 --> 00:04:29,529
[ Laughter ]
130
00:04:29,603 --> 00:04:31,093
This one spot's killing me.
131
00:04:31,171 --> 00:04:34,038
[ Laughter ]
132
00:04:34,107 --> 00:04:35,904
Go pay the bedroom a visit.
133
00:04:35,976 --> 00:04:37,466
Oh, I can't wait
till Sal sees this.
134
00:04:37,544 --> 00:04:39,910
The bathroom's here,
and then the--
135
00:04:39,980 --> 00:04:41,914
[ Laughter ]
136
00:04:43,049 --> 00:04:44,676
- There's a baby!
- There's a baby.
137
00:04:44,751 --> 00:04:45,843
That's a baby.
138
00:04:45,919 --> 00:04:48,012
[ Lullaby plays]
139
00:04:49,055 --> 00:04:50,522
I keep the baby in this room.
140
00:04:50,590 --> 00:04:51,682
Baby is well-behaved.
141
00:04:51,758 --> 00:04:52,850
It's a well-behaved baby.
142
00:04:52,926 --> 00:04:54,018
[ Laughter ]
143
00:04:54,094 --> 00:04:55,288
Very low-maintenance.
144
00:04:55,362 --> 00:04:57,227
Every couple of days, I just
give him a little more milk.
145
00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:01,394
He's good.
Let's go.
146
00:05:01,468 --> 00:05:03,766
[ Laughter ]
147
00:05:03,837 --> 00:05:04,929
Have a seat.
148
00:05:06,339 --> 00:05:08,364
I'm telling you,
he's low-maintenance.
149
00:05:08,441 --> 00:05:10,341
Sal, go over and put
the mask and gloves on.
150
00:05:10,410 --> 00:05:12,878
Give me one second.
Just want to put this on.
151
00:05:12,946 --> 00:05:14,379
You can never be too safe,
especially if we're
152
00:05:14,447 --> 00:05:15,607
talking face to face here.
153
00:05:16,950 --> 00:05:18,110
So, do you think that you might
be able to house-sit?
154
00:05:18,185 --> 00:05:19,277
Would you want to house-sit?
155
00:05:19,352 --> 00:05:20,478
MAN: No way.
No way.
156
00:05:22,055 --> 00:05:23,682
Sure, I can take care of a baby.
157
00:05:23,757 --> 00:05:24,917
Yes? Yes!
158
00:05:24,991 --> 00:05:26,083
[Ding!]
159
00:05:26,159 --> 00:05:27,251
Were you waiting long?
160
00:05:27,327 --> 00:05:28,419
It's been a bit,
but that's OK.
161
00:05:28,495 --> 00:05:29,587
Sorry. Appreciate it.
162
00:05:29,663 --> 00:05:31,324
MAN: We are
about to destroy him.
163
00:05:31,398 --> 00:05:32,592
He's never gonna
see this coming.
164
00:05:32,666 --> 00:05:33,758
He can't deal with this.
165
00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:34,926
The place has central air.
166
00:05:35,001 --> 00:05:36,093
There's wi-fi, you know?
167
00:05:36,169 --> 00:05:37,261
I got the wi-fi set up.
168
00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:38,429
Cable, of course.
169
00:05:38,505 --> 00:05:39,597
Yeah, Joe, why don't you
turn on the TV
170
00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:41,334
and show him all
the channels you have?
171
00:05:41,408 --> 00:05:42,500
Got the...
172
00:05:47,581 --> 00:05:49,515
[ Laughter ]
173
00:05:52,452 --> 00:05:54,215
That's my downstairs neighbor.
174
00:05:54,287 --> 00:05:57,984
Um,so, uh...
175
00:05:58,058 --> 00:05:59,548
yeah, there's wi-fi,
I mentioned.
176
00:05:59,626 --> 00:06:03,323
Um...
[ Laughter]
177
00:06:03,396 --> 00:06:06,263
Well, I have surveillance all
throughout the house, you know?
178
00:06:06,333 --> 00:06:07,823
But I have the whole house
secured, so you'll
179
00:06:07,901 --> 00:06:09,459
have eyes everywhere.
180
00:06:09,536 --> 00:06:12,266
[ Laughter ]
181
00:06:12,339 --> 00:06:13,465
You know, it's all set, so...
this is the bedroom.
182
00:06:13,540 --> 00:06:14,632
Come on in.
183
00:06:14,708 --> 00:06:16,608
We're finally gonna
get Joe Gatto!
184
00:06:16,676 --> 00:06:18,610
So, this is...
185
00:06:18,678 --> 00:06:20,305
WOMAN: Joey!
186
00:06:22,315 --> 00:06:23,907
[ Laughter ]
187
00:06:25,619 --> 00:06:26,711
Uh...
188
00:06:26,786 --> 00:06:30,278
[Stammers] Uh, no, s-she...
189
00:06:33,860 --> 00:06:36,294
[ Laughter ]
190
00:06:36,363 --> 00:06:37,830
This is not the gentleman
that will be joining us.
191
00:06:37,898 --> 00:06:38,990
I mean, unless he's game.
192
00:06:39,065 --> 00:06:40,532
I don't know if
you're interested.
193
00:06:44,604 --> 00:06:46,265
Thanks.
So, uh, yeah.
194
00:06:46,339 --> 00:06:48,273
[ Laughter ]
195
00:06:51,778 --> 00:06:54,372
Yeah. I can't believe
he's still in there.
196
00:06:54,447 --> 00:06:55,539
It's been a long time.
197
00:06:57,651 --> 00:06:58,982
I just zone it out, so...
198
00:06:59,052 --> 00:07:01,282
- [ Laughs]
- Um, no, there's...
199
00:07:03,723 --> 00:07:05,122
MAN: Don't move!
Just stare.
200
00:07:09,362 --> 00:07:10,590
Yeah, I'm traveling for work.
201
00:07:10,664 --> 00:07:12,962
[ Laughter ]
202
00:07:13,033 --> 00:07:15,058
So, do you think you'd want
to be my house-sitter, or...?
203
00:07:17,037 --> 00:07:19,232
Yeah? Awesome.
OK. Thanks, bud.
204
00:07:19,306 --> 00:07:20,398
You have a great night.
205
00:07:20,473 --> 00:07:22,407
[ Laughter ]
206
00:07:24,110 --> 00:07:25,202
What the [bleep]
207
00:07:25,278 --> 00:07:26,540
[ Laughter ]
208
00:07:26,613 --> 00:07:28,274
[Ding!]
209
00:07:28,348 --> 00:07:29,542
NARRATOR: Q is
the only one who couldn't
210
00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:31,550
land a house-sitter,
so he's sitting alone
211
00:07:31,618 --> 00:07:32,676
on the loser board.
212
00:07:33,019 --> 00:07:34,418
You got to help us!
We're lost!
213
00:07:34,487 --> 00:07:36,614
We'll be asking strangers
to give us directions
214
00:07:36,690 --> 00:07:38,453
to a place that doesn't exist.
215
00:07:38,525 --> 00:07:39,617
The other guys
will be describing
216
00:07:39,693 --> 00:07:42,491
the details of this place
by holding up cue cards.
217
00:07:42,562 --> 00:07:44,530
If you can't get a stranger
to give you directions
218
00:07:44,597 --> 00:07:46,588
to this made-up place,
you lose.
219
00:07:46,666 --> 00:07:49,396
NARRATOR: It's a Joker
vs. Joker challenge.
220
00:07:49,469 --> 00:07:50,697
Excuse me.
I'm a little lost.
221
00:07:50,770 --> 00:07:52,032
Do you think you might
be able to help me out?
222
00:07:52,105 --> 00:07:53,470
I'm looking for--
it's a restaurant.
223
00:07:53,540 --> 00:07:56,338
It's like Taco Bell but
a lot more "Chinesey."
224
00:07:56,409 --> 00:07:57,637
Can you help me out?
I'm looking for a place.
225
00:07:57,711 --> 00:07:59,178
I don't know the name
of it exactly.
226
00:07:59,245 --> 00:08:01,907
It's next to a bakery that
smells like baby coyotes.
227
00:08:01,982 --> 00:08:03,142
[ Laughter ]
228
00:08:03,216 --> 00:08:05,013
I'm trying to find...
229
00:08:07,020 --> 00:08:08,112
[ Laughter ]
230
00:08:08,188 --> 00:08:09,280
Have you heard of that one?
231
00:08:09,356 --> 00:08:12,416
Excuse me, miss?
I'm looking for, um...
232
00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:13,891
I know it's around
here somewhere.
233
00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:18,021
It's like Home Depot, but it's
for pasta--Pasta Home Depot?
234
00:08:19,065 --> 00:08:20,327
Yeah, it's like that.
235
00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:25,235
It's...it's near that bar
with the B.Y.O. shrimp--
236
00:08:25,305 --> 00:08:27,000
with the bring-your-own shrimp.
237
00:08:27,073 --> 00:08:28,734
[ Laughter ]
238
00:08:28,808 --> 00:08:30,332
You know what I'm
talking about?
239
00:08:30,410 --> 00:08:31,843
Yeah, I got to get there
in a half-hour because...
240
00:08:35,382 --> 00:08:37,850
[ Laughs ]
241
00:08:37,917 --> 00:08:40,647
because my--[ laughs]
my genitalia
242
00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:42,085
is gonna turn into a pumpkin.
243
00:08:42,155 --> 00:08:43,713
[ Laughter ]
244
00:08:43,790 --> 00:08:44,882
You better get there soon.
245
00:08:44,958 --> 00:08:46,448
Do you know where to go?
246
00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:47,857
Oh! Right there?
247
00:08:47,927 --> 00:08:49,519
Oh, the Home Depot--thank you--
248
00:08:49,596 --> 00:08:52,326
me and my pumpkin genitalia,
we thank you.
249
00:08:52,399 --> 00:08:53,491
[Ding!]
250
00:08:56,069 --> 00:08:57,536
Sal, we're ready, buddy.
251
00:08:57,604 --> 00:08:58,696
SAL: Are you from this area?
WOMAN: Yes.
252
00:08:58,772 --> 00:09:03,232
I'm looking for...
the place where...
253
00:09:03,309 --> 00:09:06,039
[ Laughter ]
254
00:09:06,112 --> 00:09:08,012
I'm looking for
the place where Ed Koch
255
00:09:08,081 --> 00:09:09,207
got a splotch on his crotch.
256
00:09:09,282 --> 00:09:10,544
[ Laughter ]
257
00:09:10,617 --> 00:09:14,644
OK, well, I know it's near--
I know where it's near.
258
00:09:14,721 --> 00:09:16,586
It's near Michael Dukakis'
bachelor pad--
259
00:09:16,656 --> 00:09:17,816
you know what I'm talking about?
260
00:09:17,891 --> 00:09:19,085
I got to get there
within a half-hour.
261
00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:24,386
l, uh...l got to find Waldo.
262
00:09:24,464 --> 00:09:25,829
[ Laughter ]
WOMAN: Oh!
263
00:09:25,899 --> 00:09:27,093
Yeah, I don't
know where he is.
264
00:09:27,167 --> 00:09:29,795
[ Laughter ]
265
00:09:29,869 --> 00:09:30,961
If she's ever heard
of it, yeah.
266
00:09:39,979 --> 00:09:41,844
I cannot believe
this is happening.
267
00:09:41,915 --> 00:09:43,007
We have made this happen.
268
00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:47,819
Not that Waldo--the one from
"Where's Waldo?"
269
00:09:47,887 --> 00:09:49,184
Oh, we're talking
about the same Waldo.
270
00:09:50,557 --> 00:09:51,785
SAL: No idea?
WOMAN: No idea.
271
00:09:51,858 --> 00:09:53,951
MAN: No! She doesn't know.
272
00:09:54,027 --> 00:09:55,961
NARRATOR: Sal's lost when
it comes to getting directions,
273
00:09:56,029 --> 00:09:57,826
but he found his way
onto the loser board.
274
00:09:59,199 --> 00:10:00,325
Remember that time I picked you
up to go to New Orleans?
275
00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:01,492
Yeah.
276
00:10:01,568 --> 00:10:02,660
And you got all
freaked out on me
277
00:10:02,735 --> 00:10:03,997
because I was like,
"We'll get there.
278
00:10:04,070 --> 00:10:05,162
Don't worry about it."
279
00:10:05,238 --> 00:10:06,671
You're the only person
I know that doesn't
280
00:10:06,739 --> 00:10:09,765
prepare directions on
a cross-country road trip.
281
00:10:09,843 --> 00:10:11,140
You go to Florida,
you make a right.
282
00:10:11,211 --> 00:10:12,542
[ Laughter ]
283
00:10:13,246 --> 00:10:15,111
We are at the Compare Foods
in Brooklyn,
284
00:10:15,181 --> 00:10:16,375
and we are making up words.
285
00:10:16,449 --> 00:10:18,508
The other guys will give us
a completely weird-sounding,
286
00:10:18,585 --> 00:10:20,246
made-up word that we
have to make sense of.
287
00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:22,083
If you can't get the customer
to admit they know
288
00:10:22,155 --> 00:10:23,486
what you're talking about,
you lose.
289
00:10:27,827 --> 00:10:30,557
Oh, where did they put it?
290
00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:32,097
Joe, "Dwimplepeen."
291
00:10:32,165 --> 00:10:33,325
[ Laughter ]
292
00:10:33,399 --> 00:10:34,889
MAN: Dwimplepeen?
SECOND MAN: Dwimplepeen.
293
00:10:34,968 --> 00:10:36,435
Are you making a hot dish?
294
00:10:37,837 --> 00:10:38,929
Yeah, I remember that.
295
00:10:39,005 --> 00:10:40,700
I had one of the hottest
dishes I ever had
296
00:10:40,773 --> 00:10:41,899
in my first dwimplepeen.
297
00:10:41,975 --> 00:10:43,374
[ Laughter ]
298
00:10:43,443 --> 00:10:47,436
You ever been in a dwimplepeen?
It's an event where--you know,
299
00:10:47,514 --> 00:10:51,473
when a young kid turns 13
years old, and they get older,
300
00:10:51,551 --> 00:10:53,212
everybody throws
confetti at them?
301
00:10:53,286 --> 00:10:54,378
They all spin them in a circle
302
00:10:54,454 --> 00:10:57,321
and they sing
the dwimplepeen song.
303
00:10:57,390 --> 00:10:59,051
- How's that go?
- You know, it's like...
304
00:10:59,125 --> 00:11:00,922
[Singing] Kingle, kingle,
dwimplepeen
305
00:11:00,994 --> 00:11:02,359
You made it to 13
306
00:11:02,428 --> 00:11:03,520
Twingle, kingle, dwimplepeen
307
00:11:03,596 --> 00:11:06,190
Hey! 13 now
308
00:11:06,266 --> 00:11:08,029
So, you ever attend
a dwimplepeen?
309
00:11:08,101 --> 00:11:09,193
Did you ever go
to one of those?
310
00:11:10,537 --> 00:11:12,300
No. Yeah.
You've heard of it, though.
311
00:11:12,372 --> 00:11:13,498
Yeah, yeah.
You've heard of a dwimplepeen.
312
00:11:13,573 --> 00:11:14,665
Everybody.
313
00:11:14,741 --> 00:11:16,368
[Ding!]
314
00:11:16,442 --> 00:11:18,273
MAN: I hope you brought
your "A" game, Sal.
315
00:11:18,344 --> 00:11:19,572
You got one?
316
00:11:19,646 --> 00:11:22,240
You know you're in trouble.
Q's already giggling.
317
00:11:22,315 --> 00:11:23,782
I got a whole bunch
of new cafafees.
318
00:11:23,850 --> 00:11:25,681
I'm supposed to feed them--
you know cafafee?
319
00:11:25,752 --> 00:11:27,014
I don't.
320
00:11:27,086 --> 00:11:29,782
It's a pet fish but, like,
they recognize the alphabet.
321
00:11:29,856 --> 00:11:31,221
[ Laughter ]
322
00:11:31,291 --> 00:11:34,021
I got ajampaloon coming up, and
I need some freeze-dried fruit.
323
00:11:34,093 --> 00:11:35,993
- You know a jampaloon?
- No.
324
00:11:36,062 --> 00:11:37,962
It's a--it's when
you go on a road trip
325
00:11:38,031 --> 00:11:40,659
with nothing but a puppet, but
you force-feed him real food.
326
00:11:40,733 --> 00:11:42,257
With a--what?
327
00:11:42,335 --> 00:11:44,667
Goofdookie.
[ Laughter ]
328
00:11:44,737 --> 00:11:46,102
Get all up with the goofdookie.
329
00:11:48,174 --> 00:11:49,266
Excuse me.
Do you know if there's
330
00:11:49,342 --> 00:11:50,707
a beer section in here?
331
00:11:52,078 --> 00:11:53,272
Right on that side?
OK, cool.
332
00:11:53,346 --> 00:11:54,904
I just got to buy
some for my buddy.
333
00:11:54,981 --> 00:11:57,108
[ Chuckles] I totally
goofdookied him the other day,
334
00:11:57,183 --> 00:11:59,913
and I just feel like buy him
a six-pack and smooth it over.
335
00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:03,950
Cool. Cool.
336
00:12:04,023 --> 00:12:05,957
You know, like a--you ever
goofdookie anybody?
337
00:12:06,025 --> 00:12:07,185
I just feel bad about it.
338
00:12:07,260 --> 00:12:09,751
It's, like, on Halloween,
you have a lot of candy.
339
00:12:09,829 --> 00:12:11,023
You get all hopped up on sugar,
340
00:12:11,097 --> 00:12:12,223
you make a pass
at your best friend,
341
00:12:12,298 --> 00:12:13,822
then you end up, like,
shaving each other.
342
00:12:13,900 --> 00:12:16,368
[ Laughter ]
343
00:12:16,436 --> 00:12:17,801
Yeah, good times.
Yeah. It was awkward.
344
00:12:17,870 --> 00:12:18,962
I didn't want to talk about it,
so I figure I'll
345
00:12:19,038 --> 00:12:20,130
get him a case of beer.
346
00:12:20,206 --> 00:12:21,605
I'll smooth it over, right?
347
00:12:21,674 --> 00:12:23,335
You ever goofdookie anybody?
348
00:12:26,379 --> 00:12:27,471
[ Laughter ]
349
00:12:27,547 --> 00:12:28,878
But you've heard of goofdookie.
350
00:12:28,948 --> 00:12:30,074
MAN: Oh, yeah!
He's heard of it.
351
00:12:30,149 --> 00:12:31,241
"Now get away from me."
352
00:12:31,317 --> 00:12:32,409
[ Laughter ]
353
00:12:32,485 --> 00:12:33,577
Take it easy. Thanks.
354
00:12:33,653 --> 00:12:36,178
[Ding!]
355
00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:37,621
MAN: Why are you eating?
356
00:12:37,690 --> 00:12:39,351
Everything he does gets to me.
357
00:12:39,425 --> 00:12:41,586
Just the way he chews and then
talks through the chew.
358
00:12:41,661 --> 00:12:42,787
Oh, dude, don't even
get me started.
359
00:12:42,862 --> 00:12:43,988
I live with it.
360
00:12:44,063 --> 00:12:45,155
MAN: Murr.
M U RR: Yeah?
361
00:12:45,231 --> 00:12:46,528
MAN: Hear that?
Listen to his gums.
362
00:12:46,599 --> 00:12:47,691
What?
363
00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:49,997
[ Laughter ]
364
00:12:50,069 --> 00:12:52,037
So, it's short and sweet,
baby--"twirling."
365
00:12:52,105 --> 00:12:53,197
Hmm?
366
00:12:53,273 --> 00:12:55,764
- Not "onelini."
- Twolini.
367
00:12:55,842 --> 00:12:58,333
Do you know if
these are any good?
368
00:12:58,411 --> 00:12:59,639
It's, like, pretty expensive.
369
00:13:01,147 --> 00:13:03,980
Is it good for helping twolini?
370
00:13:04,050 --> 00:13:06,280
'Cause I got a really bad case
of twolini right now.
371
00:13:07,553 --> 00:13:09,646
Twolini--it's where--
it's where you go
372
00:13:09,722 --> 00:13:11,815
to your grandfather's wake,
you drink too much absinthe,
373
00:13:11,891 --> 00:13:13,222
and then you can't stand up
straight for a week afterward.
374
00:13:13,293 --> 00:13:15,352
[ Laughter ]
375
00:13:15,428 --> 00:13:16,588
Oh, he doesn't
know about twolini.
376
00:13:16,663 --> 00:13:17,755
You've never heard
of that before?
377
00:13:17,830 --> 00:13:18,922
- Mnh - mnh.
- Are you serious?
378
00:13:18,998 --> 00:13:20,431
MAN: Oh, he's never
heard of twolini.
379
00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:22,127
Are your grandparents
still alive?
380
00:13:22,201 --> 00:13:23,498
Oh, that explains it, then.
381
00:13:23,569 --> 00:13:26,436
[ Laughter ]
382
00:13:26,506 --> 00:13:29,805
Q, your word is "pergurt."
383
00:13:29,876 --> 00:13:30,968
- Pergurt!
- Pergurt.
384
00:13:31,044 --> 00:13:32,272
MAN: Yeah, that's right.
Pergurt.
385
00:13:32,345 --> 00:13:34,370
- P-E-R--
- Gurt.
386
00:13:34,447 --> 00:13:35,539
Here you go--this guy.
387
00:13:36,983 --> 00:13:38,314
Excuse me.
388
00:13:38,384 --> 00:13:41,979
You think this would be
good to serve at a pergurt?
389
00:13:44,023 --> 00:13:46,389
Yeah? You think
it's about right?
390
00:13:46,459 --> 00:13:47,756
You know what a pergurt is?
391
00:13:47,827 --> 00:13:51,786
Like when you sky dive with a
pocket of noodles on the sabbath
392
00:13:51,864 --> 00:13:53,058
and you land and you celebrate?
393
00:13:53,132 --> 00:13:55,327
[ Laughter ]
394
00:13:55,401 --> 00:13:57,266
He's gone! Gone!
395
00:13:57,337 --> 00:13:58,429
I would just like to point out
396
00:13:58,504 --> 00:14:00,870
that he did say he knew
what a pergurt is.
397
00:14:00,940 --> 00:14:02,032
He pulled the rip cord
on that one.
398
00:14:02,108 --> 00:14:03,200
[ Laughter ]
399
00:14:03,276 --> 00:14:04,675
He did his own pergurt.
400
00:14:04,744 --> 00:14:06,507
Got the pergurt strut
going on here.
401
00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:08,575
[Ding!]
402
00:14:08,648 --> 00:14:10,878
NARRATOR: Turns out Murr
doesn't have a way with words,
403
00:14:10,950 --> 00:14:13,043
making it a 3-way
tie for last.
404
00:14:13,319 --> 00:14:15,617
So far, we've had to do and say
whatever we're told.
405
00:14:15,688 --> 00:14:17,713
That, my friends,
is all about to change.
406
00:14:17,790 --> 00:14:19,189
Today we get to pick
our own poison.
407
00:14:19,258 --> 00:14:20,384
That's right.
We've created two
408
00:14:20,460 --> 00:14:22,928
completely different
and nearly impossible challenges
409
00:14:22,995 --> 00:14:24,292
for each other to choose from.
410
00:14:24,364 --> 00:14:27,629
If you don't complete the
challenge you choose, you lose.
411
00:14:27,700 --> 00:14:30,134
NARRATOR: It's a Joker
vs. Joker challenge.
412
00:14:30,203 --> 00:14:31,602
Here you go--two choices.
413
00:14:31,671 --> 00:14:32,763
I've been waiting for this one.
414
00:14:32,839 --> 00:14:33,931
Pick your poison, buddy.
415
00:14:35,808 --> 00:14:37,139
"Pick someone's nose."
416
00:14:37,210 --> 00:14:38,541
[ Laughter ]
417
00:14:38,611 --> 00:14:40,169
- A nose-themed one.
- Of course, a nose theme.
418
00:14:40,246 --> 00:14:42,043
That's actually a favor.
419
00:14:42,115 --> 00:14:43,207
[ Laughter ]
MAN: For who?
420
00:14:44,684 --> 00:14:46,652
"Talk a woman out of her bra."
421
00:14:46,719 --> 00:14:48,380
There you go, buddy.
Get in there.
422
00:14:48,454 --> 00:14:49,546
We gave you the sexy one.
423
00:14:49,622 --> 00:14:50,714
That's impossible.
424
00:14:50,790 --> 00:14:51,950
Picking someone's
nose is gross.
425
00:14:52,024 --> 00:14:54,390
Talking a woman out of her bra
is near impossible.
426
00:14:54,460 --> 00:14:55,825
I'm gonna go gross
over a near-impossible.
427
00:14:55,895 --> 00:14:57,157
MAN: Oh!
428
00:14:59,065 --> 00:15:00,896
How do you talk your finger
up inside someone's nose?
429
00:15:00,967 --> 00:15:02,491
I don't know.
It's impossible.
430
00:15:02,568 --> 00:15:03,694
Here he goes.
431
00:15:03,770 --> 00:15:06,068
Wow. It's gorgeous out, huh?
432
00:15:06,139 --> 00:15:07,436
inside right now,
he's on that bench
433
00:15:07,507 --> 00:15:09,634
knowing the next thing
he has to do--
434
00:15:09,709 --> 00:15:11,438
ls put a finger
in a stranger's nose.
435
00:15:11,511 --> 00:15:12,603
You're having lunch
out in the park.
436
00:15:12,678 --> 00:15:14,043
It's a good place to eat.
437
00:15:14,113 --> 00:15:15,910
He's not gonna do it.
There's no way he's doing it.
438
00:15:15,982 --> 00:15:17,677
Oh, you got a little something.
439
00:15:21,487 --> 00:15:22,886
- Yeah, yeah.
- Oh! Oh!
440
00:15:22,955 --> 00:15:25,389
- No, no, no.
- No. Yeah, it's right...
441
00:15:25,458 --> 00:15:26,720
- Ohh!
- It's right up there.
442
00:15:26,793 --> 00:15:27,987
I got you.
I'll help you out.
443
00:15:28,060 --> 00:15:29,391
MAN: I could see.
[ Laughter]
444
00:15:29,462 --> 00:15:30,588
Oh, that's gross!
445
00:15:30,663 --> 00:15:32,096
It's a feeling of success.
446
00:15:32,165 --> 00:15:34,759
[All groan]
[ Ding! ]
447
00:15:34,834 --> 00:15:36,392
- Oh, yeah!
- Here we go, Murr.
448
00:15:36,469 --> 00:15:38,596
Pick your poison!
449
00:15:39,972 --> 00:15:41,701
"Give a huge guy a wet willie."
450
00:15:41,774 --> 00:15:43,639
- Easy. Easy.
- Yeah, easy.
451
00:15:44,677 --> 00:15:46,167
MAN: Aah!
452
00:15:46,245 --> 00:15:49,009
"Squeeze a guy's butt
with both hands for 5 seconds."
453
00:15:49,081 --> 00:15:50,343
[ Laughter ]
454
00:15:50,416 --> 00:15:52,316
This doesn't say
a huge guy's butt.
455
00:15:52,385 --> 00:15:53,477
I could go for a small guy.
456
00:15:53,553 --> 00:15:54,645
You might get a second
date out of it.
457
00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:56,381
We don't even know.
458
00:15:56,456 --> 00:15:57,684
You might be able
to wet willie a guy
459
00:15:57,757 --> 00:15:58,849
on just general
wet willie rules.
460
00:15:58,925 --> 00:16:00,017
- Yeah.
- Like, "Wet willie!
461
00:16:00,092 --> 00:16:01,252
Ha ha! Got ya!"
462
00:16:01,327 --> 00:16:02,555
I've made my choice.
463
00:16:02,628 --> 00:16:07,429
I am going to squeeze a man's
butt for 5 full seconds.
464
00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:10,196
I don't even know how
to work my way into this.
465
00:16:10,269 --> 00:16:11,702
There's nobody into
getting their ass grabbed
466
00:16:11,771 --> 00:16:14,569
randomly in the park--
you're right about that, buddy.
467
00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:16,904
Are those the--these are the
Adidas pants that they sell?
468
00:16:16,976 --> 00:16:18,739
MAN: It's a whole sweat suit.
MURR: Do you mind if l--
469
00:16:18,811 --> 00:16:20,574
MAN: Nah, go ahead.
MAN: Murray's gonna get killed.
470
00:16:20,646 --> 00:16:23,114
Why is he letting him
do this to him?
471
00:16:23,182 --> 00:16:25,275
MURR: The waistband is great.
They come around.
472
00:16:25,351 --> 00:16:28,343
They fit real nice and concord
in the back, too.
473
00:16:28,421 --> 00:16:29,581
He's doing it right now.
474
00:16:29,655 --> 00:16:30,815
MAN: Here he goes!
475
00:16:30,890 --> 00:16:32,323
MURR: Right here.
MAN: He's got contact.
476
00:16:32,391 --> 00:16:33,551
2. 3.
477
00:16:33,626 --> 00:16:34,718
MAN: Yeah, all right.
478
00:16:34,794 --> 00:16:37,729
You're doing too much of
that touching [bleep]
479
00:16:37,797 --> 00:16:39,697
MAN: They're nice pants.
MURR: They're great pants, man.
480
00:16:39,765 --> 00:16:41,426
That is a thumbs...
481
00:16:41,501 --> 00:16:44,129
ALL: Down.
482
00:16:44,203 --> 00:16:47,195
NARRATOR: Murr bottomed out,
making him tonight's big loser.
483
00:16:49,876 --> 00:16:51,309
MAN: Come on, guys.
What is--
484
00:16:51,377 --> 00:16:52,935
I'm not singing anything.
485
00:16:53,012 --> 00:16:56,175
MAN: No, it's much, much worse
than singing, pal.
486
00:16:56,249 --> 00:16:57,341
Let's go, Murray.
[ Laughter]
487
00:16:57,416 --> 00:16:58,508
MAN: Here you go, bud.
You got it.
488
00:16:58,584 --> 00:16:59,676
Just keep walking straight.
489
00:16:59,752 --> 00:17:01,617
MAN: Sit right here.
How are you feeling?
490
00:17:01,687 --> 00:17:03,177
We're just gonna
hook you up to this machine.
491
00:17:03,256 --> 00:17:05,588
MURR: Machine? What machine?
MAN: Stay there.
492
00:17:05,658 --> 00:17:07,785
We are at Monsignor Farrell
High School on Staten Island,
493
00:17:07,860 --> 00:17:10,226
where we all met,
for the ultimate punishment.
494
00:17:10,296 --> 00:17:12,264
Yeah, we're gonna hook Murray up
to a lie detector in front of
495
00:17:12,331 --> 00:17:15,823
the entire student body,
faculty, staff, priests, nuns.
496
00:17:15,902 --> 00:17:17,767
We're all set.
And there you go.
497
00:17:17,837 --> 00:17:19,236
MAN: You got that?
MAN: Lie detector test.
498
00:17:19,305 --> 00:17:20,397
Oh, my God!
499
00:17:20,473 --> 00:17:21,735
MAN: No, don't worry.
We wrote the questions.
500
00:17:21,807 --> 00:17:22,933
[ Laughter ]
501
00:17:23,009 --> 00:17:24,499
No mercy.
No mercy.
502
00:17:24,577 --> 00:17:27,808
Welcome to your polygraph.
[ Laughter ]
503
00:17:34,453 --> 00:17:36,614
[ Laughter ]
504
00:17:36,689 --> 00:17:37,986
MAN: All right, so,
the polygraph exam
505
00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:39,456
is gonna begin.
506
00:17:39,525 --> 00:17:42,255
Is your name James Murray?
507
00:17:42,328 --> 00:17:43,693
[ Chuckles ] Yes.
508
00:17:43,763 --> 00:17:45,094
That's the only one
he's gonna get right.
509
00:17:45,164 --> 00:17:46,358
[ Laughter ]
510
00:17:46,432 --> 00:17:47,922
Do you wax your back?
511
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:49,934
[ Laughter ]
512
00:17:51,504 --> 00:17:52,869
[ Laughs ]
513
00:17:52,939 --> 00:17:54,873
[ Laughter ]
514
00:18:01,047 --> 00:18:02,981
Yes.
[ Laughter ]
515
00:18:04,550 --> 00:18:05,642
That's the truth.
516
00:18:05,718 --> 00:18:09,552
The truth shall set you free!
517
00:18:09,622 --> 00:18:12,455
Did you ever lie to a priest
during a confession?
518
00:18:12,525 --> 00:18:14,459
[ Laughter ]
519
00:18:16,963 --> 00:18:19,898
Yes, l--yes. Yes.
520
00:18:19,966 --> 00:18:21,729
MAN: Whoo!
521
00:18:21,801 --> 00:18:23,029
You're a bad person.
522
00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:24,228
That answer is true.
523
00:18:25,871 --> 00:18:28,533
Do you secretly enjoy
boy bands?
524
00:18:28,608 --> 00:18:31,668
[ Crowd cheering ]
525
00:18:31,744 --> 00:18:33,336
No.
526
00:18:33,412 --> 00:18:35,778
[Jeering]
527
00:18:35,848 --> 00:18:36,940
That's a lie.
528
00:18:37,016 --> 00:18:38,779
[ Laughter ]
529
00:18:38,851 --> 00:18:40,079
MAN: Busted!
530
00:18:40,152 --> 00:18:42,279
Did you have a crush on
one of your high-school
531
00:18:42,355 --> 00:18:45,017
Spanish teachers--Mrs. Lanza?
532
00:18:45,091 --> 00:18:47,025
[Crowd ohhs]
533
00:18:48,094 --> 00:18:49,584
Oh, my God, there she is!
534
00:18:51,364 --> 00:18:52,456
Si.
535
00:18:52,531 --> 00:18:54,465
[ Laughter ]
536
00:18:57,870 --> 00:18:59,269
By the way, your ex-girlfriend
Tara is here.
537
00:18:59,338 --> 00:19:00,430
Say hello.
538
00:19:00,506 --> 00:19:01,666
Oh, my God.
539
00:19:01,741 --> 00:19:04,904
[ Laughter ]
540
00:19:04,977 --> 00:19:08,378
Answering truthfully, have you
ever cheated on Tara?
541
00:19:08,447 --> 00:19:10,381
Oh.
[Crowd ohhs]
542
00:19:16,322 --> 00:19:18,153
No, I have not.
543
00:19:18,224 --> 00:19:21,057
[Crowd ohhs]
544
00:19:21,127 --> 00:19:22,219
That's a lie.
545
00:19:23,863 --> 00:19:24,955
I'm so sorry.
546
00:19:25,031 --> 00:19:27,625
[ Laughter]
MAN: No, you're not!
547
00:19:27,700 --> 00:19:30,635
Have you ever tried your
girlfriend's underwear on?
548
00:19:35,908 --> 00:19:38,604
Yes, but there's
a good explanation for it.
549
00:19:38,678 --> 00:19:41,146
[ Laughter ]
That's the truth.
550
00:19:41,213 --> 00:19:42,805
This is what we got on Murray--
this is the big one.
551
00:19:42,882 --> 00:19:44,941
No one knows about
this story except us.
552
00:19:45,017 --> 00:19:48,646
Have you ever been somewhat
intimate with a stuffed animal?
553
00:19:48,721 --> 00:19:50,655
[ Crowd gasps ]
554
00:19:52,124 --> 00:19:53,523
I'm gonna kill you guys.
555
00:19:56,829 --> 00:19:57,921
No.
556
00:19:57,997 --> 00:20:00,329
[Crowd ohhs]
557
00:20:00,399 --> 00:20:01,491
That's a lie.
558
00:20:01,567 --> 00:20:03,125
[ Laughter ]
559
00:20:03,202 --> 00:20:04,692
MAN: Dirty dog.
560
00:20:04,770 --> 00:20:08,228
Last question.
Does it suck to be a loser?
561
00:20:08,307 --> 00:20:09,399
Yes, it does.
562
00:20:09,475 --> 00:20:11,306
[ Crowd cheers ]
563
00:20:11,377 --> 00:20:12,469
That is how you punish someone!
564
00:20:12,545 --> 00:20:13,637
Happy homecoming.
565
00:20:13,713 --> 00:20:14,805
It was good work.
566
00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:16,814
[ Crowd chants "Loser" ]
37108
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof