Original subtitles

NARRATOR: Coming up... will Q get a grip?

MAN: The car parked on the slope.

MAN: What does that mean? What does that mean?

NARRATOR: What happens when Murr goes toe-to-toe?

MURR: Let me trim these for you real quick.

MAN: How is this happening right now?

Uh...

NARRATOR: When Sal's frozen in fear...

I'm actually hyperventilating right now.

NARRATOR: the guys light a fire under him.

MAN: You're gonna kill somebody!

NARRATOR: And tonight's big loser is center stage

for the ultimate humiliation.

[ Laughter ]

Nothing weird about shaking hands, right, Joe?

JOE: Well, today there is.

MAN: We're at a lot-less closeout store, and today

we've got to go up to people and find a way to shake their hand

for as long as possible.

Whoever shakes for the shortest amount of time loses.

- All right, Joe. - They get it?

Yeah, they got it. They got it, buddy. They got it.

I've got a foolproof idea.

JOE: I've heard this once before.

You watch and take notes, gentlemen.

MAN: I can't take him anymore.

I 100% agree.

JOE: Try your big plan on this guy behind you.

MURR: Aah! [Bleep]

Could you give me a hand for a second?

My muscle's cramping.

Can you just pull my arm if you can?

Aah.

MAN: Rip his [bleep] chicken wing off!

That's not a handshake.

MURR: Shake more than pull. Yeah.

That's it.

Ahh. OK.

It's still the shake. The shake is more what I need.

It's not the pull.

This guy is not giving up either.

Murray just impressed me.

-Aah! - OK. OK.

Thank you, sir. Thank you.

That loosened it up so much.

[ Ding]

All right, Murr. 15 ain't bad.

MAN: All right, Joe. You got to beat 15 seconds.

I think you got to do "less is more" with this.

You're saying this calls for a "less is more" approach.

Yeah, everybody lays it on pretty thick.

I'm just gonna be a straight shooter with these people.

You'll straight-shoot.

You're gonna go up to someone and be like, "I need to shake

your hand for as long as possible."

Not that straight.

JOE: My friend. Put it there.

[ Laughter ]

Almost there, man.

No, no. You're good.

MAN: Come on, man.

This guy doesn't have time for this.

JOE: This one's getting tired.

Can I borrow that one real quick?

Thanks, man. I appreciate it.

ALL: Oh! Seamless transition.

You're uh...oh, I had something to tell you.

MAN: Look at her face. She's, like, stunned.

JOE; Oh, no. You guys got shopping to do.

Yeah, we're all right.

[ Laughter ]

This is the big firework ending.

Oh!

There you go. You see that?

Boom--you go. You're hype, man.

[ Laughter ]

All right, wiseass. All right, all right.

[Bleep]

Yeah, yeah.

It's hot.

[ Ding]

[ Laughter ]

JOE: All right, Sal. You got to beat Murr's 15 seconds.

- Vertruce, right? - Nah.

JOE: Hmm, the old mistaken- identity approach. OK.

- Let's see. - From 53rd Street.

- Nah, nah. - Are you sure?

JOE: But he got the handshake.

I went to, um...technical school with him.

[ Laughter ]

What technical school?

I always see him down, you know, when I come back.

JOE: Oh, he's got him!

I was nervous whether I should say that's Vertruce or not.

So I was like, "I'm just gonna take the risk."

He has no idea this is going on.

because it looks like Vertruce with glasses.

JOE: Oh!

I was like, "You know what, I'm not gonna let it go."

JOE: He's still got the handshake!

- You live here now? - I live in New York City.

JOE: He's still got him! He still has his hand!

- In the Bronx? - Yeah.

All right. Thanks. It's great to see you.

Listen, man.

Yeah! All right.

JOE: Wow!

No, no, because I didn't know if I should say hello or

not to you.

You know what I'm saying?

Amazing, man!

'Cause I was like, you know, "I can't believe if

that was him or not."

JOE: Hey, every time he tries to walk away,

he brings him back in with a new conversation.

Yeah, it gets really busy,

really busy, really busy.

[ Laughter] All right, listen.

I want you to enjoy your time and everything, all right?

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Good luck. Thank you.

[ Laughter ]

Thank you, brother.

Wow! That's gonna be tough to beat.

Well done. Does your hand hurt, bud?

[ Ding]

Wow! 1:03.

What's your angle here, Q?

Does Q ever have an angle?

Q, how about that guy right there in the hat?

Psst. The, uh...

JOE: Whoa, he backed up!

The fat man flies at midnight.

What does that mean? What does that mean?

The fat man flies at midnight.

What does that mean?

The man at midnight flies with the --

with the eagle-- the thing.

What are you talking about?

The train goes backwards through the tunnel.

What does that mean?

MURR: The object is to get a handshake, not

confuse the guy.

A tortoise is right twice a day.

Shake on it, partner.

Huh? What does that mean?

Yes.

I don't get it. What does that mean?

Huh? What does that mean?

Huh? What does that mean?

I don't understand.

What the hell is going on?!

The woman --

the woman in red has the car parked on the slope.

What does that mean? What does that mean?

What does that mean? What does that mean?

The hand shakes now, the world is saved.

What does that mean?

I don't -- I don't get it.

What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

What the hell just happened?

I know I didn't win, but I did rock his world.

[ Laughter ]

[ Ding]

NARRATOR: Q's all shaken up and ends up

on the loser board.

MAN: I still judge men on their handshakes.

Oh, I hate getting a dead-fish handshake,

but I love giving one-- that's just the best.

Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.

Huh? What is that?

[ Laughter ]

I grip the whole thing?

You force that person to accept it!

From this point forward, our fates shall be determined

by the...

ALL: Wheel of Doom!

We shall all step forth to take a spin of the...

ALL: Wheel of Doom!

To not lose, you must do whatever is decreed by the...

ALL: Wheel of Doom!

- The... - Wheel of Doom!

You're up, Sal.

Let's do it, my man. Here we go.

Wheel of Doom, baby. Wheel of Doom.

It's a very insidious wheel that we've created

for ourselves.

Yes, it is.

What I like is that there's "Get $20 from each Joker" or

an "automatic win."

There's two parts there that could work out

well for you.

I want an automatic win.

That's what I'm going for right here.

Going for the automatic win.

TOGETH ER: Spin that wheel!

Spin that wheel!

Spin that wheel!

SAL: Yes! Come around! Come around!

Go!

Yeah!

[ Laughter ]

Yeah! "Kiss a stranger's abs!"

[ Laughs ]

SAL: I feel like the only way to do it is to just

be honest with somebody.

[ Laughter ]

Talk to someone human to human, explain my predicament.

Go get 'em, tiger.

Can I ask you a question? Could I kiss your abs?

[ Laughter ]

Can I ask you a question?

Can I -- Can I --

It will only take two seconds.

Can I kiss your abs?

[ Laughter ]

Can I ask you a question?

Could I...

[ Laughter ]

This is gonna sound weird, but it's totally normal.

Could l...kiss your abs?

Fair enough. Thank you.

[ Laughter ]

This is off the rails, bro.

Get ahold of yourself. So this is what he's doing?

He's just spinning around, asking people, "Can I kiss

your abs?"

Where's the strategy here? Where's the plan?

My strategy is to be straight up with somebody.

The non-approach is an approach.

Right.

How you doing? How's everything?

Can I kiss your abs?

Can I kiss your abs?

Real quick. One second.

Abs -- abdominals. Can I kiss your abs?

For one second, can I...kiss... your...abs?

Oh, my God!

He's actually gonna let Sal kiss his abs.

I can't believe this.

I'm gonna lift it up.

[ Laughs ]

What the hell is going... and now I'm gonna give you

one quick kiss, all right?

And then I'm gonna commit suicide.

Oh, my God. Am I doing this?

Do it or lose, Sal.

Oh!

[ Laughter ]

That ends the story of you and l.

[ Ding]

All right, Q. Here you go.

Spin the Wheel of Doom.

Give it a good spin, Q.

Whoo!

Come on! Come on!

Wait. How can you spin and get something amazing?

I just spun and won. Come on.

This is the stupidest idea we've ever had!

Whoo!

- Whose turn is it now? - If I can win $60, I'm in.

Go ahead, buddy.

Get in there.

Give it a spin.

[ Laughter ]

Make money, money! Make money, money!

I'm down $40 now.

Terrible! This is ridiculous!

Guys, this is ridiculous.

- Who's up? - Who's next?

All right, I'm going.

Get in there.

Oh, my God. I swear to God.

I swear to God! If you get $20, I'm out!

Give it a good spin.

[ Laughter ]

Wheel...

ALL: ...of Doom!

Look at how close I was.

"Get 3 toenail clippings from strangers."

This is impossible.

It is, but if you believe in yourself, all things

are possible.

How am I supposed to talk somebody out of their shoes

and socks and then clip their toenails?

I bet right now my money back that he doesn't clip

anyone's nails.

I don't think he's gonna do it either.

Why would I make that bet? - Make it interesting for me.

Give me a chance to win my money back.

- No. - So let's flip it, then.

I'll bet that he doesn't get it and you bet that he does.

Fine.

Get the guy in the purple hoodie.

I got, uh, I got my final exam today.

I'm going to, like, a cosmetology school.

SAL: This is his in.

He's going for cosmetology school.

Oh, you know what?

It's displaying a certain amount of cunning.

- Yes. - I got the cuticles down.

It's the clipping that's really hard.

'cause if you don't shape it the right way...

Oh, there it is. Door's creeping open.

It's not bad.

I got you covered.

I got you covered, my friend.

I'm going to give you something for free right now.

All right.

I am going to clip your toenails.

Yes.

It's about to happen. He's about to clip his nails.

I'm gonna win my money back!

Just one. Let me see it.

This is the first time I find myself cheering for Murray!

I'm cheering for Murray!

How is this happening right now?

Uh...l can't believe this!

Let me trim these for you real quick.

OK. Here's one.

[Ding!]

OK, here's two.

[Ding!]

I can't believe it. James S. Murray,

I love you for the first day in my life.

[Ding!]

Give me my [bleep] $20 back right now.

This is turning into a roller coaster of a day, my friends.

And that's 3 toenail clippings.

There he is. Victorious.

I can't believe he did it.

Oh, my God!

Oh!

Aah!

[Ding!]

NARRATOR: The Jokers all spun past a loss.

I broke up with a girl once because she wanted me to go to

this store to get her ice cream at midnight and got mad

when I wouldn't do it.

You should have gone out and gotten it.

Be a considerate boyfriend.

How's your relationship status?

I'm currently single.

We're at Arirang Hibachi Steakhouse, cooking hibachi.

We don't know how to cook hibachi!

We've got to do our best to cook the meal, despite what

the other guys are telling us to do.

And if you refuse, you lose.

Sharpen your Ginsus, fellas.

This is a Joker vs. Joker challenge!

And it's double or nothing.

It all comes down to this.

BOTH: Mm.

You are...impossible to take seriously in that outfit.

You look so stupid!

I'm actually hyperventilating right now.

What are you so afraid of?

You just got to get in there and cook.

I make cereal and sandwiches exclusively.

And there he is.

There it is!

He can't even push the cart.

How's everyone doing?

Good. Hi. Hi. How are you?

We're gonna start with every meal...

We start every meal...

with a traditional...

with a traditional...

JOE: ...Japanese hibachi song.

...Japanese hibachi song.

Go ahead, buddy. Sing the song.

[ Imitating Japanese singing]

[Singing continues]

JOE: "Bah-de-bah-boo-bah-bah"!

- Ladies and gentlemen... - Ladies and gentlemen...

I will now do something amazing!

You will now see something amazing.

Now do something amazing, Sal!

Ladies and gentlemen... butterfly.

[ Laughter ]

Sal, hey, your last name's Vulcano, is that right?

Let's make the patented Vulcano Volcano.

Who wants to see, uh... a volcano?

Everybody?

Have you guys seen it? You know it, right?

The Vulcano Volcano.

Prepare for something amazing!

She's backing up. She's getting out.

JOE: You're gonna kill somebody! You're gonna kill somebody!

Get the water out.

Oh, my God!

MURR: You're gonna lose them, Sal.

Get them to stay.

Please don't go. You're gonna miss something very amazing.

They leave, you lose.

Please stay.

[ Buzzer ]

All right, O. This one's yours to lose.

Hey, what's up?

You look like a hibachi monster.

Banzai, huh?

[ Laughter and applause]

All right, Q, you got to get something from downstairs.

What are you talking about? There's no stairs.

The steps are right in front of you.

I got more chicken downstairs.

Q, go get the chicken downstairs.

- There's no more chicken. - Go downstairs!

Go downstairs and get the chicken.

Let me go get you a little something from downstairs.

All right, Q. Walk down.

His chef hat!

Q: Guys, I look like an idiot down here.

Ow!

JOE: He burned himself!

I burned myself.

JOE: Now, just keep looking at different

pieces of meat, and under your breath say, "Now, is this

one cooked?"

Ask yourself, "Is this one cooked?"

All right, all right, all right.

Is this one cooked?

Hmm. Is this one cooked?

Is this one cooked?

- They're cooked enough. - Cooked enough.

- Cooked enough. Cooked enough.

We got to get you guys out of here,

so we're just gonna cook it enough.

[ Laughter ]

[Ding!]

NARRATOR: Sal couldn't take the heat, making him tonight's big loser.

Sal, you should have seen this

punishment coming, because tonight you're playing

a psychic.

Ooh!

We have an entire theater full of people waiting for you

to come in there and read their minds.

But don't worry.

We're gonna be helping you by giving you all the terrible

predictions in your ear.

And you can't get off stage until you guess

something right.

I'm foreseeing a lot of pain in your future.

[ Indistinct conversations]

SAL: I'm standing right behind the curtain, and I hear

the murmur of tons of people that want to know

about their lives.

MURR: Don't worry, man.

We're gonna help you through the whole thing.

I am so nervous.

What Sal doesn't know is that the spirits are gonna be

silent today.

All he's gonna hear is elevator music.

He'll be all alone out there.

[ Applause ]

How's everyone doing? So, let's get started.

We're sorry.

The spirits are not available right now.

[ Elevator music plays]

Uh...

Sal, everybody is looking at you.

Start talking.

He's got nothing to say.

SAL: It doesn't just jump right out, but I am getting some

very, very strong spiritual senses.

You had a goldfish?

No.

[ Clears throat]

I'm seeing someone here has lost a personal item

recently --

a piece of jewelry.

Has anyone lost a ring? Has anyone lost a ring?

MURR: He's dying up there. You're striking out.

You're gonna be up there all night.

You have walked in on your parents... making love

by candlelight.

Your parents are still with you?

Your mom is Pat.

Your dad is, uh, Dana?

Your dad is Pat and your mom is Dana?

Both your parents are Pat?

[ Laughter ]

Both your parents are Dana?

Does "Pat" or "Dana" mean anything to you?

JOE: Why is he being so specific?

MURR: I guess it's an approach.

You want to be really specific so you come across confident,

but then you just totally swing and a miss.

It's a dumb approach.

You have a secret handshake with your BFF.

No?

Are you sure?

You lost a button on your favorite sweater?

Everybody loses a button.

[ Laughter ]

You sneezed in church.

Have you sneezed?

You haven't sneezed?

M U RR: This thing's off the rails.

He's lost control.

JOE: Sal, try to get a volunteer.

Maybe you'll do better one-on-one.

Would anyone like to come up?

Would anyone like to just volunteer for a minute?

MURR: This is not gonna work.

Of course it's not gonna work.

I got one spirit right now who's just --

he's a real dick, he's just...

[ Laughter ]

Uh, how do I do this?

[ Laughter ]

Your favorite color is...

red.

Pink.

You recently got a parking ticket.

Oh, God. Jesus Christ.

[ Laughter ]

You have... one child out of wedlock.

[ Laughter ]

He got it right!

Knew it.

One thing right in a half-hour.

[ Applause ]

This went exactly how I imagined it would.

[ Laughter ]

JOE: Look at him.

That was the worst psychic reading!