Original subtitles

NARRATOR: Coming up. ..

How does his body move like that?

NARRATOR: What happens when the guys leave Sal

twisting in the wind?

This kind of isn't fair. He's really outmatched.

[ Laughter ]

NARRATOR: When Joe faces a giant problem...

MURR: How's he gonna do this? NARRATOR: Will he come up short?

Q: The guy is 2 feet taller than you!

NARRATOR: What is Q forced to do when it's all on the line?

You do that, I'll take the loss on the whole thing.

- Let's do it. - Oh!

MURR: Are you nuts?

NARRATOR: And tonight's big loser

has more than just egg on his face.

[ Laughter ]

We're at the mall trying to figure out

who's the best debater among us.

We're going head-to-head tournament style,

asking strangers to settle a ridiculous argument.

But the topic of the debate

is gonna be fed to us by the other guys.

We must persuade someone to agree with our stance,

no matter how bizarre it is.

If you can't get the stranger to take your side, you lose!

- Murray's a jerk. - Yeah, you're right.

- Correct. - He's right.

[ Laughter ]

Q: Here's what Joe's up against.

- Murray doesn't shut his mouth. - What?

Murray's argued his way out of jail time, so Joe's--

MURR: I don't know, buddy. I think I'm right on this one.

- I feel it. - Excuse me.

Could you settle an argument for us?

You are the judge. What you say, goes, OK?

All right, Murr, I think we should adopt an Asian child.

I think we should adopt an Asian child.

Now, Joe, I think we should adopt a black child.

I think we should adopt a black child.

We can only choose one or the other in our house, OK?

Black names are so much cooler than Asian names. Fact.

- Oh! -Ah.

How many Chinese Darnells do you know?

Zero. That's my point.

[ Laughter ]

I didn't Google it.

So, what do you think? Asian, right?

- No. - [ Both laugh]

Murray thought he was gonna sneak that victory right in.

SAL: And it didn't work. MURR: OK, hear me out.

There's only 67,000 unadopted black children

in the United States.

Murray with these numbers.

In last count, there's 700,000 Asian children unadopted

in this world.

That's high.

Wow !

I'm not even talking numbers. We can't pick our heritage.

That's why you go adoption. You get to pick one you want.

I want a black one.

This guy's on the ropes.

He's going back and forth. They're fighting.

How about this?

Asian kids can grow up and become ninjas.

Right?

SAL: [ Laughs] JOE: Excuse me. Hello.

There's black ninjas.

JOE: Thank you, thank you.

There are, but--

You guys got to do something to make him pick one

or else both of you lose.

Just pick one based on what you've heard.

You have to settle it right now. I can't listen to his [bleep].

We'll be happy with either choice.

You're black. I win.

- "Adopt me," right? - Is that a win?

- I'm gonna give it to Joe. - I'm gonna give it to Joe.

That's how you do it. Next round, baby.

Excuse me. Excuse me, sir.

We're having an argument,

and we're wondering if you could help us settle this.

MAN: OK. JOE: Sal, this one's for you.

- I think... - I think...

This dance move is cooler.

This dance move is the coolest.

Show him the coolest dance move.

[Chuckles ] All right.

Q: Go ahead. Show him, Sal.

I call it the Double Dutch.

MAN: OK, I've seen that before.

[ Laughter ]

Now, Q, "But I think..."

All right, but I--

This is the coolest dance move.

[ Laughing]

But I think that this is the coolest dance move.

Q has got no rhythm.

This kind of isn't fair. He's really outmatched.

Call this the, uh, the-the Martian Hula Hoop.

[ Laughter ]

Yeah, doing the Martian Hula Hoop, you know?

Yeah, doing the Martian Hula Hoop, you know?

Check that out.

You look like a noodle.

All right, but you got to understand something, right?

The Double Dutch has been around for ages.

- You can go low... - Yeah.

MURR: Whoa! SAL: You can go up top.

MURR: Oh!

Go all around. See what I'm saying with it?

How does his body move like that?

Look at that.

Just soak it in, just soak it in.

- [ Laughter] - Soak that in.

[ Both laugh ]

Look at the antlers! Look at the antlers!

It's antennas, you idiot.

Soak that in.

You want to go up and down.

Which one do you think?

Yeah!

JOE: The Double Dutch!

The Double Dutch wins!

[ Laughs ]

JOE: Q, nice try, man.

The Martian Hula Hoop is gonna sweep the nation, I think.

All right, Double Dutch, I'm in.

MURR: Oh, it's Joe versus Sal! JOE: Go get him.

Gladiators heading to battle.

- They're ready. - This is it.

I can't believe these 2 got in the final round.

I don't believe I got [bleep].

[ Both laugh ]

- Excuse me, sir? - That's what you think.

I don't agree.

That's my point. A third party is what we need.

We're having a gentlemen's debate right now.

Could you settle something for us?

Joe, who was the better president?

Who is the better president?

I think it was Martin Van Buren.

I think it's Martin Van Buren.

See, I think it was Millard Fillmore.

No way, man.

It's Millard Fillmore.

Martin Van Buren.

The transportation. Where would we be without vans?

Millard Fillmore was the only president to serve 4 terms.

That's 16 years, not including his vice presidencies.

No, he didn't.

Right, but if you look at what Van Buren did for the dollar,

he's the one who started minting.

We wouldn't have pennies, quarters...

Millard Fillmore--do you know that he was a fighter pilot?

Fillmore was a fighter pilot before the plane was invented?

- What? No. - [ Laughter]

Millard Fillmore had a 10-inch penis.

Martin Van Buren had an 11-inch one.

It's too big.

Wait, wait, wait.

Let me tell you one more thing.

If this doesn't do it, then Martin Van Buren.

Millard Fillmore...

Invented the appetizer.

- [ Laughter] - [Bleep]

My man.

He invented the appetizer?

I was trying to play to his strengths!

[ Ding I

NARRATOR: Joe gets the last word,

and Sal, Q, and Murr each take a loss.

Murr, do you think you're more book smart or street smart?

I'd say I'm the perfect combination

- of book and street smart. - Give me a dollar.

You're book smart.

[ Laughter ]

We're gonna meet the queen!

The Dairy Queen.

We're at Dairy Queen.

We're gonna be mixing it up with fellow customers.

The goal is--Well, gosh!

We don't know what the goal is until we get out there!

The other guys will be giving us a very specific task

for us to accomplish.

If you can't do it, you lose.

- All hail the queen! - The Dairy Queen!

Q: Joey, have we got a plan for you.

The normally impeccable Joe Gatto is going down.

M U RR: Yeah!

Q: And this is the guy to do it.

SAL: He is perfect.

Get this guy to have a meeting with you in the bathroom.

MURR: Oh, yes.

How's he gonna do this?

How do you convince someone to come with you to the bathroom?

How does one even approach the subject?

As much confidence as I have in you usually, Joe,

I think that this one's gonna get you.

The guy is 2 feet taller than you!

MURR: Look at how much bigger this guy is than Joe!

Too many decisions. Yeah, right? All day.

SAL: Stop him from moving, Joe.

Look at the difference in size.

MURR: Come on, buddy, make a move.

Can I talk to you real quick in the, uh...bathroom?

Yeah.

Uh, OK, I'm not looking to get my business

on the streets of the Queen.

It's just me and you. We'll talk real quick, and...

Q: There's no way.

Just real quick. You can leave the cone out here.

We'll be a moment.

MURR: Are you serious? No! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

You have to be kidding me right now!

MURR: What the hell?

There's nobody in here. It's OK.

JOE: There's nobody in here. MURR: He's gonna go in!

You son of a bitch! SAL: Oh, my God!

You son of a bitch!

What the hell?

Murr, the gentleman behind you in the hat, the big guy.

He's got to make a phone call on your behalf.

- Using your phone, OK? - To who?

- Well, you'll find out. - We'll tell you. Don't worry.

Sir, do you mind if I ask you what you got?

Have you ever had it before?

No?

SAL: Nice guy already. Q: Helpful.

Let's see how helpful he is.

I can't decide what to get myself.

I'm totally distracted, and I'll tell you why.

- I have a favor to ask. - Mm-hmm.

Can you make a phone call on my behalf?

I'll explain why.

You got to call my parents.

[ Laughter ]

I need you to call my parents.

OK?

So, I'll tell you exactly what to say, OK?

[ Laughter ]

- I am trippin' a little bit. - Yeah, you is.

I just want to tell my mom that I used to wear her heels

when I was little.

When my mom picks up, I need you to confess to her

when I was a kid, I used to wear her heels.

[ Laughter ]

[ Buzzer ]

JOE: Sal is the most ethnically diverse out of all of us, right?

He's got a mixture of things going on.

Sal, do me a favor.

Just get somebody to order you a Pumpkin Blizzard.

- That's it? - One last detail.

You can only speak in a made-up language.

[ Laughs ]

Sal, go up to the guy with the navy cap.

Eh?

Itala froyay. Italo frodatay.

Maad by aperson dada heya.

Dey, uh, dey--

JOE: Don't point at it.

OK. Uh...

Greenhouse say Greenhouse a Limp Bizkit.

[ Laughter ]

Greenhouse Limp Bizkit?!

Q: Hurry up, Sal. He's ordering the wrong thing.

Misshe me bangbang.

[ Laughter ]

Ooh! Oooh!

Oh! He's onto something!

Ye-ye--

Aye! Pumpapakin.

Pumpkin what?

Eh, brr. Da Pump-Pump--

Yes.

JOE: He's got to order you a Pumpkin Blizzard.

[Slurps]

Uh, Dairy Queen.

Yeah, do!

- Yeah! - Pumpkin Blizzard!

Oh.

[ Ding I

MURR: You're a pretty good guy, right?

I would say he's one of the best.

One of the best. People might arguably call you "Da Bomb."

- Yeah, he's the bomb. - Yeah, I am the bomb.

SAL: Q, the guy in front of you with the dark gray T-shirt,

you got to get him to say, "You're the bomb."

[ Laughter ]

'Sup, bro?

Just hanging out at the old D.Q.

[ Laughter ]

I get free ice cream here for life.

I stopped a robbery here.

Yeah, they call me "Da Bomb" here.

"Da Bomb."

Yeah, I walk in, and they're like, "Oh, Da Bomb's here.

Let's get him some free ice cream."

It's weird. Just people keep calling me "Da Bomb."

[ Laughter ]

Not say, "Da Bomb." He's got to call you "Da Bomb."

But if I was in your phone, what would I be in your phone?

- On silent mode. - [ Laughter]

Stonewalled!

Not "Da Bomb" or anything like that?

All right, all right, but if I was over there

and you had to call me, like, what would you call me?

[ Laughter ]

All right, hey, man, you're da bomb.

I'm the bomb?

All right!

Last possible second, "Da Bomb" gets it!

[ Ding I

NARRATOR: Murr gets the cold shoulder and takes a loss.

Sal's the worst when it comes to going out to eat.

He can't have a lot of choices in front of him.

I like to wait, to see what everyone at the table gets.

You can't make a decision.

You're telling me to commit to one thing?

You never been in a relationship more than a week.

[ Laughter ]

We're hitting the streets, protesting something,

but we don't know what it is.

Because we've made ridonkulous protest signs for each other.

The goal is have a stranger grab a sign and join in your protest.

If you can't get them to join, you lose.

This thing I'm protesting better be good, guys.

Dude, it's something that needs to be done.

All right, all right. I'm gonna take a look at this.

SAL: Here he goes.

[ Laughter ]

Murray, it's about time this thing's got lifted, right?

Folks, help me lift my restraining order.

[ Laughing] I can't even do it.

He can't even approach people.

[ Laughing] Ma'am, please help me lift my restraining order.

Sir, please help me lift my restraining order.

[ Laughter ]

The only person he's gonna attract

is someone who may have--

Shh, shh.

What do you need?

I need some help lifting my restraining order.

At this point, it's been too long.

I have been through a vaguely similar situation.

You've been through vaguely similar situations?

Told you! I told you the only person that's gonna come up

is someone who's in the same situation.

- I was dating a Macedonian. - You were dating a Macedonian?

- She was a bit of a slut. - Welcome to the party, sir.

I'll take 2 sides of crazy and a little bit of insane.

Then I find her on a date with a fat kid named Pete

who looks like the new fat-kid dictator of North Korea.

So I was pretty pissed off about that.

Whoa! Hey-o!

Good luck on that, buddy.

Where are you guys? Come back.

You do what you got to do. We're getting a cheeseburger.

This guy is nuts.

That is the identical situation that I'm in.

So will you help me and stand tall with me today

and say, "Lift both of our restraining orders"?

Not right now. Sorry.

So not right now. But later, maybe?

No good, man.

MURR: Like, text me.

[ Buzzer ]

Oh, I don't like this.

- All right, buddy, go ahead. - Take a look at what you got.

M U RR: Flip your poster over.

What would you say, about 2,000 people looking at me?

JOE: They're gonna need to know about this cause.

This is...

"Tax that ass!"

[ Laughter ]

It's a cause you can really get behind.

You want people to get behind "Tax that ass"?

Less with the jibber-jabber and more with the protesting.

Just saying.

Excuse me. Tax that ass?

Want to help me tax that ass?

JOE: Sal, what are you doing?!

That's not the way a protest works.

You just asked an old man if he wants to help you tax that ass.

- Oh, yeah, I did. - Makes no sense.

Excuse me.

Uh...

I-I-I believe that we need to tax that ass.

- Whose ass? - Whose ass?

That one.

Like, I mean, like the-- you know, like that ass.

There's too many rich asses not being taxed.

Yeah, then you ought to write "Tax that rich ass."

I was just looking for someone...

Don't take that sign.

And tax that ass.

To stand with me in unity.

JOE: He's got to chance it. He's got to chance it.

- So, can you do it with me? - Yeah, tax that ass.

Tax that ass! Tax that ass!

BOTH: Tax that ass.

- Tax that ass. - I can't believe it.

Tax that ass!

SAL: Whose ass? BOTH: That ass!

- Whose ass? - That ass!

Hey!

[ Ding I

You guys gave Q the pen, huh?

Let's see him explain this.

Check it out, pal. Let's see what you think.

Well, this is one that I don't know how

you necessarily get people behind.

What are you washing?

Whatever it is that you got to wash, do it after.

What are you doing with it beforehand?

[ Laughter ]

Sir, real quick. Do you wash it after?

Ma'am, do you wash it after?

Trying to get people to wash it after. Do you wash it after?

A movement starts with one man and ends with clean people.

Do you wash it after?

Everybody, wash it after!

Don't just wash it before!

Yeah, I'm looking for people to wash it after.

Oh, Myrna, could you hold that one second?

Just one second?

Oh. She won't wash it after.

Joe, I don't want to embarrass you,

but Helen Keller could do better than you out there.

You take this sign and be out here as long as I was

and get somebody.

I could take that sign from you and get someone to do it.

- [ Laughter] - No problem, I can do that.

If you do that, I'll take the loss on the whole thing.

- Let's do it. - Oh!

MURR: Q, this is a bad idea!

SAL: I think this is a mistake on Q's part.

- Good luck, sir. - Get back there, junior.

Let me show you how it's done.

You wrote this!

- Are you nuts? - I got it.

Oh, what is it I'm washing? That's an excellent question.

It's just a general movement I'm trying to start with people.

You know how a lot of people wash it before?

They get out there, they scrub it up and down,

all over the place, looking good?

Lot of people, they walk around after

all dirty and stinky and smelling.

It's no good. You don't like it. I don't like it.

- No one likes it. - He might get it.

- He's not gonna get it. - He's not gonna get it.

You like this? Would you do me a favor?

Would you just follow me around a little bit? You will?

Oh, thank you. Come on.

Wash it after! Wash it after!

- Joey Gatto, wash it after! - The first one!

Wash it after!

[ Buzzer ]

NARRATOR: Joe's big mouth lands him in big trouble,

sending him straight to tonight's punishment.

The problem with punishing Joe is that he will do anything.

But will he let anything be done to him?

Specifically his face.

All right, I get it. I get what this is all about now.

Oh, this is gonna suck.

This is the best thing ever.

Q: Yes, it is.

Ladies and gentlemen, step right up to Joey's punishment.

We have an assortment of disgusting items,

so grab something and do what you want to Joe's face!

Do not be shy, ladies and gentlemen!

We have to use it all up.

[ Laughter ]

Here we go, here we go.

- What's up, man? - What's up?

You want to do something to my face?

You just pick something up off the table

and whatever you want to do.

Great. Yeah. Yeah, grab the fish.

JOE: That's a good idea. MURR: Oh, no.

Q: Oh, right for the fish.

Ohh!

Oh! Ow!

- You all right? - Great, man. Nice to meet you.

Thanks. Thanks.

Step right up. What's up, bro?

Oh, yeah, a little whipped cream on the pie.

Yeah, we're gonna put it together.

This is terrible, guys. We shouldn't have done this.

1,2,3.

[ Laughter ]

Thanks, dude. Thanks, man.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

- [ Laughter] - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's great. That's perfect.

Wait. Put a fake nose on him.

This thing's small. It doesn't fit my nose.

[ Laughter ]

Hey, bud. Hey, bud, what's going on?

Yeah.

[ Laughter ]

Mayo gun.

Yeah, yeah, take a video, Sal.

'Cause it's not on national television!

[ Laughing]

Doing great, Joe! Who's next? Get in there!

What's up, bud? Oh, yeah, sock full of powder?

Oh! [Spits]

[ Laughter ]

Hey, what's up, bud?

Yeah, good. Thanks for stopping by, man.

[ Laughter ]

He didn't even say anything. You're not even a gentleman!

Come on, he's done, he's done.

- The table's empty, guys! - Good job.

[Bleep]

Good job.

Did great. Great job, guys.

Joey, Joey! Oh, my God! No! Don't!

No, I'll take it like a man.

No, I'm kidding.

[ Laughter ]

It's not my punishment.