Original subtitles

NARRATOR: Coming up. ..

I am an aspiring inventor.

NARRATOR: What happens when Joe and this lady

don't see eye-to—eye?

That looks really crummy,

and that's like a really crappy idea.

[ Laughter ]

NARRATOR: what happens when Murr needs someone to lean on?

At what point does he consider this to be maybe,

possibly a drug overdose?

NARRATOR: Can Q score with this personal confession?

I'm 36, I live alone, and I have two cats.

[ Laughter ]

NARRATOR: And nothing can save tonight's big loser

from facing holy hell.

[ Laughter ]

We're inventors conducting a focus group

on our brand-new product.

But we have no idea what it is

since the invention was created by the other guys.

At the end, we'll ask them how likely they are

to buy the product on a show of hands.

Whoever gets the fewest hands raised loses.

- This is gonna be ugly. - You're gonna be ugly.

[Telephone rings]

- I'll get it. - Ha ha!

So, how's everybody's day? Good?

- Good. - Good?

Yeah, thank you for coming. Appreciate it.

I am an aspiring inventor,

so I am here just to showcase some of my prototype products.

I will show you my first product.

We threw Joe under the bus right at the top.

There's no possible way he can explain this product.

JOE: Ok, so...

MAN: Here we go, here we go, here we go.

I'm excited to show you the product.

What the hell is this?

JOE: These here--

Ha ha ha!

I'm excited about this product.

So, these--these here I call... these are, uh, brick-flops.

They're flip-flops with bricks attached on the bottom.

[ Laughter ]

What are you thinking behind this?

The thinking behind this is you know about

all the rage is the exercise shoe.

When you work out with these, it focuses on the Achilles tendon,

which is the weakest part of the leg.

WOMAN: I don't believe you.

That looks really crummy, and those look like used flip-flops,

and that's like a really crappy idea.

I wish you would speak your mind a little more.

[ Laughter ]

Working out's all the rage,

and the brick-flop really plugs into the market.

Then you put them on and show us.

Yeah! Do it! Do it!

No, I'm showing them to you.

All right, if you'd like me to--

Yeah, take your socks off.

Of course. I'll be more than happy to show you.

She's all over him, man.

Well, I mean, these aren't my size.

[ Laughter ]

[ Glass breaks ]

This is not gonna-- Yeah, it's just a prototype.

What the [bleep] dude?

How much time did you spend on it?

This? About 20 minutes.

[ Laughter ]

The brick-flop is not a concept that you're buying into.

- No. - No?

- Probably not, no. - Probably not.

So, by show of hands,

how many people like the brick-flop?

Zero. Ok.

[ Laughter ]

That was a brick-flop.

Now, this is a product I wanted to show you guys,

I was excited about.

This is...

MEN: [Laughter]

MAN: Explain that, Joe.

This here is, uh...

glasses with side-view mirrors attached.

[ Laughter ]

JOE: The mirrors are not for you.

They're for people behind you so they can see behind them.

These actually are a great accessory with the brick-flop,

if you put it all together.

MEN: [Laughter]

I have to be honest.

I really cannot imagine anyone wearing those.

Is it the color?

MEN: [Laughter]

By show of hands, would you buy this product?

As a gag gift maybe.

So that's a...

I would say maybe, under some circumstances.

- There's one. Ok. - Oh! He got one!

MAN: Gets a one. He gets a one.

Have a seat, please, guys. Have a seat.

MAN: Murray looks like an inventor.

SECOND MAN: Like a mad scientist?

No, that's right. I'm sorry. Murr looks like a mad scientist.

MAN: Yeah, there you go.

I'm an inventor, and from time to time,

I have these focus groups

where I test out new concepts for products.

So let's take a look at what we've got.

We are bringing to market--

Hopefully, if you like it...

- What's that, Murr? - What's that, Murr?

What's that, buddy?

MEN: [Laughter]

This is a pair of underwear.

As you can see, it's a typical pair of underwear in the front.

And what we've done on the back,

our team of experts have used the patented, uh, uh...

crap-zipper technology to-- and we've sewn it into the butt.

So as you can see, you can open it up like that,

and you've got the perfect pouch out the back

for quick access.

MEN: [Laughter]

Folks, feedback, quickly.

Wouldn't the zipper be sort of uncomfortable?

Ah! I'm glad you asked.

Well, keep in mind, this is the crap-zipper technology,

and the inside is much smoother

than your typical, average zipper.

You know, one can say the same thing about a front zipper,

which we all have in our pants.

Like, wouldn't that be a little bit dangerous?

Well, you know, we have it. We use it all the time.

- We don't sit on it though. - No.

[ Laughter ]

But I'd much rather something getting caught back there

than up there, you know?

MEN: [Laughter]

If you had this, do you think this is something

that you would find a use for?

- I don't think so. - No?

It's not something that I would--

Sir, if you had this, do you think you would use it?

No.

MURR: And how about you?

I would never have that.

[ Imitates buzzer, laughter]

You really took a [bleep] on that one.

My name's Brian Quinn.

Thank you, guys, for coming down.

I'm the president, CEO, and founder of Quinndustries.

- Quinndustries. Nice. - This is a focus group.

The more honest you are, the more it helps me.

So, for instance... this is a beaut.

MEN: [Laughter]

MAN: You don't even know what it is.

- Yeah. Yep.

MAN: Aw!

[ Laughter ]

- Yes. - This is, um...

MAN: Explain that.

MURR: This is the, uh...

[ Laughter ]

...Ampu-bear.

This is the Ampu-bear,

and he looks like he's missing his arms,

and he is missing his arms.

And why, why, why would we do that?

Because bears are scary to children...

- Oh! - ...because of the claws.

They're not gonna buy that. They're not gonna buy that.

You know what's not scary?

If the had no arms.

MEN: [Laughter] MURR: Now look at this.

Don't you just want to cuddle up with this?

Here's a nonthreatening--

Here's Ampu-bear.

There's a humor element to it, you know?

Oh, yeah, if you find dismembered bears funny.

I see where you're coming from.

MEN: [Laughter]

If I could just see a show of hands

if you guys think that you would buy this product.

No, no good. That's not a hand. That's not a hand.

MAN: He's thinking, he's thinking!

- One for Ampu-bear. - Is this stumping you?

[ Bell rings]

My name is Sal Vulcano.

I am an inventor and a patenter.

I love watching him bull[bleep] his way through this.

- He's not good at it. - No.

These are mostly products

that I've identified a need for in today's marketplace.

[ Laughter ]

This is it.

MEN: [Laughter]

Chinese spray.

- It is manufactured in China. - Yeah.

It's made with Chinese liquids.

It's for not just the Chinese.

Currently, right now,

there's nothing like Chinese spray out there,

so we just figured "Let's get a spray out there

"like a Chinese spray and see what happens."

[ Laughter ]

Questions?

The purpose of the Chinese spray?

It's a spray.

What's that?

Lt sprays right out.

[ Laughter ]

A show of hands.

Would anybody be interested in the magic of Chinese spray?

I didn't think so.

[ Laughter ]

Some products are bad.

I got other stuff.

Ok.

Last product.

[ Laughter ]

MEN: [Laughter]

MAN: Turtle!

Good luck with that turt, Sal.

Oh, gosh.

This is a turtle with a nine-volt battery

on the top of him.

MEN: [Laughter]

We're gonna call it Dura-shell.

[ Laughter ]

The battery slowly recharges as the turtle walks.

MEN: [Laughter]

This battery is almost fully charged.

So by a show of hands, would any of you be interested

in the rechargeable nine-volt-battery turtle?

MEN: [Laughter]

MAN: Zero.

Thank you for coming.

MEN: [Laughter]

NARRATOR: Murr and Sal couldn't focus their groups,

so they each earn a loss.

Sal is the king of returns.

Yeah. You got to know when things are due back.

They're not due back. You don't rent them.

I've worn a pair of slacks for an entire season

and brought them back.

- He stepped up his game. - Yeah.

He bought one of those guns that put tags on clothes.

You know, when they're like,

"Well, it's got to have the tags on it."

I'm like, "Don't worry about it."

[ Laughter ]

Shh! It's nap time!

That's right.

We've got to go up to a complete stranger

and fall asleep on them for as long as possible.

Whoever takes the shortest nap loses.

I got this, boys.

I'm good at two things: taking craps and taking naps.

Already did one today.

MAN: All right, Murr, white shirt right there.

SAL: If I was that guy right now,

I'd already be like, "Why is this guy all up in my grill?"

MURR: Here he goes.

[ Bell rings]

MEN: [Laughter]

Oh, he's got him. He's got him.

Oh, clock is running.

That's nice.

What are you doing, dude?! Wake him up!

Ha ha!

He's eating a sandwich.

You all right, Bud? I'm gonna have my sandwich.

At what point does he consider this

to be maybe possibly a drug overdose?

Ha ha!

Yeah, I would think this guy is dead at this point.

Yeah.

That's it. Stop the clock. 19 seconds, Murr.

Did l-- My apologies, my apologies.

MEN: [ Laughter]

MURR: I don't know how well Sal's gonna do on this.

You see the size of the noggin on this guy?

Yeah, this kid's got a wrecking ball on his shoulders.

Sal, I heard they're trying to knock down a building

on 23rd street.

You want to walk by, help them out?

MURR: All right, Sal, try for this guy right next to you.

JOE: Here he goes. Here he goes. He's doing it.

MURR: Oh, oh, oh!

I don't think the guy noticed it.

Ha ha!

- Oh. - He's on, he's on.

MURR: Oh. Clock has started.

SAL: Oh, I had a long night.

JOE: That's it, buddy. They're onto you.

You're done.

You're go nn a 90 39 a' In?

I'm willing to continue the time.

- All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I'll let it go.

We'll give it to you.

There he goes. He's back, he's back, he's back.

[ Bell rings]

MURR: The clock is ticking! There you go!

He's like, "Just let him sleep."

MURR: He's letting him sleep!

They've accepted it as their reality.

MAN: He's keeping calm and carrying on...

JOE: Yeah, that's what he's doing.

With his fat head sleeping on his shoulder.

- Doing it again. - Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

JOE: Ha ha! 15 seconds!

I'm still in the lead.

MURR: Ok, Joe, woman to your left.

Joe does have a distinct advantage

in that nose will touch someone

about 40 seconds before the rest of his head.

MURR: True. They see you coming.

They can see what's going on.

MAN: There he goes, there he goes.

M U RR: There's contact. He's got contact.

MEN: [Laughter]

MAN: She pushed him, she pushed him.

No. Whoa, whoa!

Keep the clock going! Keep the clock going!

That counts!

That's only 12 seconds, Joe.

That is not enough.

You know what? Q's got the advantage.

Most people think he's homeless.

So if he falls asleep on them, it's no big deal.

Q, you need 20 seconds to win.

Oh, the "fall asleep on somebody asleep already" move.

This is-- this is unprecedented.

MURR: Oh, the guy's waking up!

[ Bell rings]

He's letting him stay. He's letting him stay.

He's letting him stay.

MURR: Oh, my God!

He's trapped.

At this point, at this point, he's trapped.

JOE: The guy's asleep again. MURR: No, he didn't.

JOE: The guy is asleep again.

The guy is asleep again.

The guy fell back asleep.

They're two grown men sleeping on each other

in the park!

All right, Q, that's 20 seconds.

You win.

Stop being a jerk, Q.

We get it. You won.

Q is using this man like a Jennifer Convertible.

Let's see how long this goes.

I've never seen this in my life.

SAL: Unreal.

He's breaking records.

JOE: Oh, my God!

The guy is now awake with a stranger sleeping on him.

MURR: Is this guy made of goose down?

What is going on?

Oh, my God.

He looks like a baby bird waiting to be fed.

MEN: [Laughter]

He's going for the lap.

MEN: [Laughter]

SAL: Ah, you took it too far, man.

JOE: 1:24. Unbelievable, Q.

SAL: Now this guy's going back to sleep?

MEN: [Laughter]

NARRATOR: Joe couldn't sleep it off,

putting him on the loser board.

You know, if you have narcolepsy,

you can fall asleep at work,

no one's allowed to say anything, anytime you want.

How do we get diagnosed with narcolepsy?

I used to work with a guy-- his name was Charles--

and he was like 70.

He had narcolepsy.

[ Laughing]

Sorry, Charles.

[ Laughter ]

We're at compare foods in Brooklyn,

trying to talk customers out of a product

they're about to buy.

Why can't they buy it?

Well, we don't know yet.

We'll be given a random reason by the other guys.

If you can't get someone to put it back using that reason,

you lose.

JOE: The best part about this

is Murray has no idea how to food-shop.

He doesn't know how to cook or food-shop.

The only thing he does is exist.

SAL: [ Laughs]

JOE: There you go, Murr, right in front of you.

No, no, no, no!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I definitely wouldn't get that mixed fruit.

I'll tell you why.

Origami.

I'll tell you why.

Because of origami.

You know the Japanese art of making things out of paper?

You know exactly what I'm talking about, right?

So, yeah, I definitely wouldn't get that mixed fruit.

Little-known fact--

that company has been single-handedly closing

every single origami university in Japan.

- [ Laughter] - What?!

Which is a little bit of BS, if you ask me.

So are you gonna switch?

Are you gonna put those back?

- Oh! - Thank you so much.

Come on, lady!

Have a great day.

[ Bell rings]

SAL: Q, the girl right there with the can of soup.

Ooh, you know what?

I, actually, if I were you,

would not get that particular can of soup right there.

'Cause I'm 36, I live alone, and have 2 cats.

- Because... - [ Laughter]

It's all true!

I'm 36...

MEN: [Laughter]

I'm 36, I live alone, and I have 2 cats.

[ Laughter ]

I don't know if I'm supposed to be ashamed of that,

but I open the soup can, and when I open that, they go nuts.

That will attract cats.

You open that in your house,

you're not gonna be able to sleep at night.

There's gonna be cats.

Yeah, right there.

- Oh! - Oh!

Thank you.

Oh, my God, her face! Ha!

She's giving Q a pity face.

[ Bell rings]

SAL: See what's going on here, boys, right?

He wore that same stupid, purple shirt --

- Oh! - Lavender glow of love.

What is the thought process because--

I'll tell you why.

Lights 'em up.

Ha ha!

SAL: Joe, this guy coming up behind you--that's your man.

- Oh, I wouldn't-- I wouldn't get that broth.

Yeah.

- Um... - Algonquin round table.

The Al-gon-kin round table.

SAL: Joe, it's al-gon-kwin.

It's famous!

Um, it's based on an old wives' tale

about how chicken stock could cure, you know,

all disease back in the day.

Do you know of the Algonquin round table?

Oh, okay.

Well, it's an old fable where they thought

that that chicken stock would be healthier.

Where did they think that?

That was at the Algonquin round table.

They are proponents of it being a cure-all, right?

Yeah, that's what they say.

But it's not true, so just go ahead and grab another one.

MEN: [Laughter]

Aw! Really?

I thought I put up a good, good argument for the Algonquins.

- You don't know... - Ha ha!

Q: Joe, the girl in the gray sweater.

Oh, I wouldn't-- I wouldn't get that soup.

Yeah, that soup I wouldn't get.

You got to be kidding me.

That's all it took?!

I mean, sometimes when you hear it

from a guy in a lavender shirt, you just take it for--

Right? Sometimes, you don't even need words.

That's the power of the lavender shirt, my friends.

MEN: [Laughter]

[ Bell rings]

MURR: Sal, here you go.

Lady with the blazer.

[ Groans ]

Uh, I don't know if I would get it.

[ Laughs ]

The reason I wouldn't get that particular noodle...

Is because of hot ham water.

MEN: [Laughter]

is, uh...

is because of hot ham water.

Uh, let me explain.

The thing is, l, uh... uh...what happened was...

have you ever heard of ultimate Frisbee?

I invented ultimate Frisbee.

"l invented ultimate Frisbee."

There was a rival ultimate Frisbee league,

and this noodle was the biggest supporter,

proponent of that league,

and so there's a little bit of an old rivalry there.

- Uh, hot ham water? - Oh!

When are you gonna get to that?

Well, you know, 'cause what they do is hot ham water, right?

He lost himself.

He has no idea where to go.

Uh...you know what? I have--Just get it.

- I don't-- - [ Laughter]

NARRATOR: Sal lands himself in hot ham water

as tonight's big loser.

We're at the Tea Lounge for Sal's punishment.

And if there's one thing he hates, it's--

You.

Well, another thing you hate is big, obnoxious scenes.

True.

Sal, today, you will be the big, obnoxious scene, my friend,

'cause we have seized control of your laptop speakers.

And then we've loaded some fun sounds in there

for everyone in the quiet coffee shop to enjoy.

What types of sounds?

- Fun sounds. - Fun for who?

Us.

What about me?

Un-fun. Un-fun for you.

Q: Yeah, that's you right there, buddy.

Pull up a chair. Get comfy.

He's checking out the whole crowd.

He sees there's a lot of old people here.

Dude, old people? Have you seen the nun?

Oh...

Q: He saw the nun.

[Woman moaning]

[Woman moaning]

[ Laughter ]

[ Moaning continues]

Sorry.

[ Moaning continues]

[Woman squeals]

MAN: Oh, yeah. Oh.

Time-out, please. Time-out, please. Stop.

[Woman moaning]

I'm not good--I'm not good with computers.

My bad. Sorry. Sorry, everybody.

[Woman moaning]

The guy unplugged the speakers.

I have to.

[ Laughter ]

I'm not crazy.

It won't happen again.

Thanks, man.

Plug it in.

It's a punishment. You don't get to say no.

MAN: Oh, yeah.

[Woman moans, laughs]

[ Moaning continues]

[ Horse neighs]

Sorry, Sister.

[ Moaning continues]

Sorry!

MAN: Yeah.

[ Monkey screeching ]

[Cow moos]

[ Moaning continues]