All language subtitles for Impractical Jokers - S02E05

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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:07,040 --> 00:00:08,234 NARRATOR: Coming up, why has Murr been forced 2 00:00:08,308 --> 00:00:09,468 into hiding? 3 00:00:09,543 --> 00:00:11,238 Q: What you've just done is piqued the curiosity 4 00:00:11,311 --> 00:00:13,142 of the local authorities. 5 00:00:13,213 --> 00:00:15,647 NARRATOR: The guys give Joe a problem he can't "shake." 6 00:00:15,716 --> 00:00:17,980 JOE: I wish there was a way to solve this problem. 7 00:00:18,051 --> 00:00:19,882 NARRATOR: What has Sal running for his life? 8 00:00:19,953 --> 00:00:21,887 SAL: What the hell is that?! 9 00:00:21,955 --> 00:00:24,150 NARRATOR: And tonight's big loser humiliates himself 10 00:00:24,224 --> 00:00:26,988 in front of the toughest crowd imaginable. 11 00:00:27,060 --> 00:00:28,550 [ laughter ] 12 00:00:33,567 --> 00:00:35,501 SAL: We're in the park, trying to get people's attention 13 00:00:35,569 --> 00:00:38,060 by saying "Psst!" 14 00:00:38,138 --> 00:00:40,163 After we say "psst," the guys are gonna feed us 15 00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:42,333 an embarrassing secret that we have to tell the stranger. 16 00:00:42,409 --> 00:00:43,740 JOE: Once we share that secret, we got to get them to tell us 17 00:00:43,810 --> 00:00:45,607 one of their own. 18 00:00:45,679 --> 00:00:48,307 MURR: If you can't get someone to tell you a secret, you lose. 19 00:00:48,382 --> 00:00:49,542 Psst! 20 00:00:49,616 --> 00:00:51,174 JOE: How do you do that? 21 00:00:51,251 --> 00:00:52,343 SAL: It's a secret! 22 00:00:52,419 --> 00:00:53,511 [ laughter ] 23 00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:58,381 Q: Here we go. Here we go. 24 00:00:58,458 --> 00:01:00,892 JOE: It's like "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Fat Guy." 25 00:01:00,961 --> 00:01:02,519 Psst! 26 00:01:02,596 --> 00:01:03,688 I got to tell you something. 27 00:01:03,764 --> 00:01:05,254 Just a little secret. 28 00:01:05,332 --> 00:01:06,526 GUYS: No. No. 29 00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:08,090 JOE: Here's a secret: you're weird. 30 00:01:08,168 --> 00:01:09,965 That's no secret. 31 00:01:10,037 --> 00:01:11,527 Psst! 32 00:01:11,605 --> 00:01:12,765 I got to tell you something. 33 00:01:12,839 --> 00:01:14,500 Q: When I was a kid... SAL: When I was a kid... 34 00:01:14,575 --> 00:01:16,202 O: my dad used to beat me... SAL: my dad used to beat me... 35 00:01:16,276 --> 00:01:18,073 Q: at tick-tack-toe... SAL: at tick-tack-toe... 36 00:01:18,145 --> 00:01:19,442 ...with a belt. 37 00:01:19,513 --> 00:01:20,605 SAL: ...with his belt. 38 00:01:20,681 --> 00:01:22,171 [ laughter ] 39 00:01:26,353 --> 00:01:28,344 Psst! 40 00:01:28,422 --> 00:01:30,720 When I squeeze it, everything falls into place. 41 00:01:34,027 --> 00:01:36,996 When I squeeze it, everything falls into place. 42 00:01:37,064 --> 00:01:38,326 MAN: Good. 43 00:01:38,398 --> 00:01:40,730 Do you want to share a secret with me? 44 00:01:40,801 --> 00:01:42,666 MAN: No, thank you. SAL: OK. 45 00:01:42,736 --> 00:01:45,398 Psst! Psst! 46 00:01:45,472 --> 00:01:46,734 47 00:01:46,807 --> 00:01:49,207 I cheated on my wife at the Puerto Rican Day parade. 48 00:01:49,276 --> 00:01:51,073 [ laughter ] 49 00:01:51,144 --> 00:01:56,377 I cheated on my wife at the Puerto Rican Day parade. 50 00:01:56,450 --> 00:01:57,382 [ laughter ] 51 00:01:58,585 --> 00:02:01,019 - Do you--do you... SAL: I don't know. 52 00:02:01,088 --> 00:02:03,613 SAL: "Don't tell her"? 53 00:02:03,690 --> 00:02:05,089 JOE: It's not to get advice, buddy. It's to get a secret. 54 00:02:05,158 --> 00:02:06,591 Q: Yeah, you got to get a secret, pal. 55 00:02:06,660 --> 00:02:07,752 SAL: You guys want to share a secret with me, just to make 56 00:02:07,828 --> 00:02:09,056 me feel better? 57 00:02:14,868 --> 00:02:18,269 SAL: Ohh! Nice! 58 00:02:18,338 --> 00:02:19,805 Oh! That was a real secret. 59 00:02:19,873 --> 00:02:21,135 [ding] 60 00:02:21,208 --> 00:02:23,676 Psst! Psst! 61 00:02:23,744 --> 00:02:26,372 Psst! 62 00:02:26,446 --> 00:02:27,811 Psst! 63 00:02:27,881 --> 00:02:29,610 Q: I got to tell you a secret. SAL: Waffles... 64 00:02:29,683 --> 00:02:31,275 Waffles... 65 00:02:31,351 --> 00:02:33,046 SAL: ...I like them [bleep]. MAN: Waffles? 66 00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:35,111 Q: I likes them [bleep]. MAN: Yeah? 67 00:02:35,188 --> 00:02:36,815 Have you ever had chicken and waffles? 68 00:02:36,890 --> 00:02:37,982 Q: I have had chicken and waffles! 69 00:02:38,058 --> 00:02:39,150 MAN: Isn't that the best? 70 00:02:39,226 --> 00:02:40,318 Q: That's the secret on top of the secret-- 71 00:02:40,394 --> 00:02:41,486 chicken and waffles! MAN: Whoa! 72 00:02:41,561 --> 00:02:42,687 Q: Wait. Could you tell me a secret? 73 00:02:44,865 --> 00:02:46,025 MAN: I'm black. 74 00:02:46,099 --> 00:02:47,623 Q: You're black?! MAN: I am. 75 00:02:47,701 --> 00:02:49,191 [ laughter ] 76 00:02:49,269 --> 00:02:50,896 Have a good day. 77 00:02:50,971 --> 00:02:53,030 MURR: His secret is he's black! 78 00:02:53,106 --> 00:02:54,937 That's not really a secret. That's out there. 79 00:02:55,008 --> 00:02:56,635 JOE: Here you go. Here you go. Here you go. 80 00:02:56,710 --> 00:02:58,940 Q: Psst! l, uh... 81 00:02:59,012 --> 00:03:00,479 JOE: I can't stop imagining... 82 00:03:00,547 --> 00:03:02,412 I can't stop imagining... 83 00:03:02,482 --> 00:03:04,643 what Kate Upton would look like with testicles. 84 00:03:04,718 --> 00:03:08,154 what Kate Upton would look like with text-icles. 85 00:03:08,221 --> 00:03:09,745 JOE: Thank you. 86 00:03:09,823 --> 00:03:13,088 Is a "text-icle" when you send a message to your balls? 87 00:03:13,160 --> 00:03:14,320 Is that what that is? 88 00:03:14,394 --> 00:03:15,861 Q: What Kate Upton would look like with testicles, 89 00:03:15,929 --> 00:03:17,453 it's just in my head all the time. 90 00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:18,623 OK, that's my secret. What secret do you got? 91 00:03:18,699 --> 00:03:20,064 You got a secret? 92 00:03:20,133 --> 00:03:21,225 MAN: I got a package. 93 00:03:21,301 --> 00:03:22,962 Q: What secret? What secret? No? No? 94 00:03:23,036 --> 00:03:24,162 JOE: Oh! No secret! 95 00:03:24,237 --> 00:03:26,728 I didn't want to say the word "testicle," 96 00:03:26,807 --> 00:03:28,672 so it came out "tes-ti-cle." 97 00:03:28,742 --> 00:03:31,267 JOE: No, it came out "text-icle." 98 00:03:31,344 --> 00:03:32,777 Psst! 99 00:03:32,846 --> 00:03:34,279 MURR: I want to be pregnant... 100 00:03:34,347 --> 00:03:35,746 I want to be pregnant... 101 00:03:35,816 --> 00:03:37,340 not just look pregnant. 102 00:03:37,417 --> 00:03:39,885 I--oh, yeah. Heh. 103 00:03:39,953 --> 00:03:41,511 not just look pregnant. 104 00:03:41,588 --> 00:03:43,055 [ laughter ] 105 00:03:43,123 --> 00:03:44,317 That's my secret. 106 00:03:44,391 --> 00:03:48,259 Do you have a secret you want to share? 107 00:03:48,328 --> 00:03:50,819 You ever shoplift? 108 00:03:50,897 --> 00:03:52,694 What about that time you shoplifted? 109 00:03:52,766 --> 00:03:56,031 SAL: He was literally doing this when he asked it. 110 00:03:56,103 --> 00:03:58,663 JOE: "You ever shoplift? Give me something juicy." 111 00:03:58,739 --> 00:04:00,900 [ laughter ] 112 00:04:00,974 --> 00:04:02,566 Q: What's Joe's approach like? 113 00:04:02,642 --> 00:04:04,974 Psst! Psst! 114 00:04:05,045 --> 00:04:09,641 Psst! Psst! Psst! 115 00:04:11,718 --> 00:04:12,946 SAL: I don't feel like I own something... 116 00:04:13,019 --> 00:04:14,509 I don't feel like I own something... 117 00:04:14,588 --> 00:04:15,782 until I pee on it. 118 00:04:15,856 --> 00:04:17,687 [ Sal laughs ] 119 00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:18,986 until I pee on it. 120 00:04:19,059 --> 00:04:20,526 That's my secret. 121 00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:23,222 You know, I'm just out here sharing secrets by the big tree. 122 00:04:23,296 --> 00:04:25,423 I was wondering if you had anything you wanted to share. 123 00:04:25,499 --> 00:04:26,830 MAN: Ha ha! no, I'm good. 124 00:04:26,900 --> 00:04:27,992 JOE: You're good? You don't want to share anything? 125 00:04:28,068 --> 00:04:29,558 O: No! No! JOE: That's my secret. 126 00:04:29,636 --> 00:04:32,298 Don't tell anybody! Keep it locked up! 127 00:04:34,241 --> 00:04:36,072 Psst! Psst! 128 00:04:36,143 --> 00:04:37,633 SAL: I got a panda in my trunk. 129 00:04:37,711 --> 00:04:40,475 JOE: I got a panda in my trunk. 130 00:04:40,547 --> 00:04:42,105 I'm looking to unload a panda. 131 00:04:42,182 --> 00:04:44,116 You want to buy a panda on the cheap? 132 00:04:44,184 --> 00:04:47,051 Well, that's my secret out here. It's a hot panda. 133 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:48,917 SAL: You're trying to unload the panda? 134 00:04:48,989 --> 00:04:50,718 Uh, you got any secrets you want to tell me? 135 00:04:50,791 --> 00:04:52,452 MAN: I don't have any... JOE: No secrets? 136 00:04:52,526 --> 00:04:54,460 Nothing, I know, as big as the panda. 137 00:04:54,528 --> 00:04:55,620 But you want to buy a panda on the cheap? 138 00:04:55,695 --> 00:04:57,253 I'll throw in some shoots. 139 00:04:57,330 --> 00:04:58,797 MURR: Some bamboo shoots?! 140 00:04:58,865 --> 00:05:00,594 Now I'm secretless. 141 00:05:00,667 --> 00:05:03,101 And I have a panda on my hands. 142 00:05:03,170 --> 00:05:04,797 [ laughter ] 143 00:05:04,871 --> 00:05:05,963 I've got this one figured out, guys. 144 00:05:06,039 --> 00:05:07,529 SAL: How so? 145 00:05:07,607 --> 00:05:08,904 MURR: What's gonna make this work is if you pique 146 00:05:08,975 --> 00:05:10,135 someone's curiosity. 147 00:05:10,210 --> 00:05:11,700 SAL: That's what we're doing by saying "Psst!" 148 00:05:11,778 --> 00:05:14,713 No, no, no, no, no. I got an idea. Watch. 149 00:05:14,781 --> 00:05:16,271 Watch. 150 00:05:16,349 --> 00:05:17,714 JOE: Look at this idiot. 151 00:05:17,784 --> 00:05:18,944 So this is all about location, huh? 152 00:05:19,019 --> 00:05:20,179 MURR: That's it. 153 00:05:20,253 --> 00:05:21,652 You pique someone's curiosity. 154 00:05:21,721 --> 00:05:22,847 Q: What you've just done is 155 00:05:22,923 --> 00:05:25,414 piqued the curiosity of the local authorities. 156 00:05:25,492 --> 00:05:27,790 That's the only curiosity that's been piqued right now. 157 00:05:27,861 --> 00:05:30,625 MURR: Psst! I've got a secret. 158 00:05:30,697 --> 00:05:32,494 Do you want to hear it? Come here. 159 00:05:32,566 --> 00:05:33,965 I got to get it off my chest. 160 00:05:34,034 --> 00:05:35,934 Q: William Shatner once beat my ass down. 161 00:05:36,002 --> 00:05:38,527 William Shatner once beat my ass down. 162 00:05:38,605 --> 00:05:40,072 So did Spock. 163 00:05:41,708 --> 00:05:43,005 So did Spock. 164 00:05:43,076 --> 00:05:44,270 I was running my mouth off. 165 00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:45,971 Shatner's there. Beats me down. 166 00:05:46,046 --> 00:05:47,638 Spock was about a block behind. 167 00:05:47,714 --> 00:05:48,840 I had it coming. 168 00:05:48,915 --> 00:05:50,815 Anyways, that's my secret. 169 00:05:50,884 --> 00:05:53,148 Do you have something you want to share with me, 170 00:05:53,220 --> 00:05:55,586 something personal that you haven't told anyone before? 171 00:05:58,325 --> 00:06:00,384 WOMAN: I love getting colonics. 172 00:06:00,460 --> 00:06:01,654 MURR: You love getting colonics?! 173 00:06:01,728 --> 00:06:03,195 WOMAN: That's it. 174 00:06:03,263 --> 00:06:05,288 - You love getting colonics. MURR: That's a great secret! 175 00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:06,957 I mean, who doesn't? Q: "I love getting colonics"! 176 00:06:07,033 --> 00:06:08,500 MURR: You have a good day, ma'am. 177 00:06:08,568 --> 00:06:10,195 SAL: "What's with the guy that crept out of the bushes?" 178 00:06:10,270 --> 00:06:12,500 JOE: I don't even know what to do anymore with this show. 179 00:06:12,572 --> 00:06:14,062 I don't even know what to do with it anymore. 180 00:06:14,140 --> 00:06:15,334 [ laughter ] 181 00:06:17,410 --> 00:06:19,173 Q: Joe's got to tell him. MURR: Loves getting colonics? 182 00:06:19,246 --> 00:06:22,306 SAL: Oh, my God! I can't believe she shared that! 183 00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:24,714 [ laughter ] 184 00:06:24,784 --> 00:06:26,046 JOE: [Bleep]. 185 00:06:26,119 --> 00:06:27,279 MURR: She loves getting colonics. 186 00:06:27,354 --> 00:06:28,446 [ding] 187 00:06:28,521 --> 00:06:30,682 NARRATOR: Q and Joe are, "Psst!" 188 00:06:30,757 --> 00:06:31,951 They have to take a loss. 189 00:06:34,261 --> 00:06:36,161 MURR: I'm actually a master at covering my tracks. 190 00:06:36,229 --> 00:06:37,423 JOE: You haven't noticed that you're the only one 191 00:06:37,497 --> 00:06:38,794 that needs that skill out of the four of us? 192 00:06:38,865 --> 00:06:40,162 Q: Why do you need that skill set? 193 00:06:40,233 --> 00:06:41,564 MURR: I've got a lot of tracks. 194 00:06:41,635 --> 00:06:43,865 JOE: You're like the Long Island railroad. 195 00:06:43,937 --> 00:06:44,904 [ laughter ] 196 00:06:46,373 --> 00:06:47,704 SAL: We are back! 197 00:06:47,774 --> 00:06:49,173 ALL: At the castle of white! 198 00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:51,107 And we're working the drive-through! 199 00:06:51,177 --> 00:06:52,667 Why do they keep inviting us back?! 200 00:06:52,746 --> 00:06:54,839 JOE: As customers pull up to place their order, 201 00:06:54,915 --> 00:06:56,473 we have to do and say what the other guys tell us. 202 00:06:56,549 --> 00:06:58,449 You have to get a tip no matter what! 203 00:06:58,518 --> 00:06:59,610 If you cannot get a tip... 204 00:06:59,686 --> 00:07:01,244 ALL: You lose! 205 00:07:03,723 --> 00:07:06,920 I don't know how to work this. 206 00:07:06,993 --> 00:07:08,085 MURR: Q. 207 00:07:08,161 --> 00:07:09,628 Yeah. 208 00:07:09,696 --> 00:07:10,788 You take her order, but you're fighting a wicked case 209 00:07:10,864 --> 00:07:12,195 of, like, the flu. 210 00:07:12,265 --> 00:07:13,357 Come on. Nobody wants to hear that 211 00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:14,525 while they're eating. 212 00:07:14,601 --> 00:07:16,569 You got something going. 213 00:07:16,636 --> 00:07:17,898 [ coughs ] 214 00:07:17,971 --> 00:07:19,632 Welcome to White Castle. 215 00:07:19,706 --> 00:07:20,798 [ 939$ ] 216 00:07:20,874 --> 00:07:22,398 [ laughter ] 217 00:07:22,475 --> 00:07:23,806 Q: Can I take your ord-- 218 00:07:23,877 --> 00:07:24,969 [ coughs ] 219 00:07:25,045 --> 00:07:26,410 WOMAN: Yeah. Can I get one jalape-- 220 00:07:26,479 --> 00:07:28,037 [Q coughing] 221 00:07:28,114 --> 00:07:29,513 and a coke with no ice. 222 00:07:29,582 --> 00:07:30,776 Q: Oh, God. $3.90. 223 00:07:30,850 --> 00:07:33,045 JOE: I got the meat sweats! 224 00:07:33,119 --> 00:07:36,714 Q: I got the meat sweats. You don't want the meat sweats. 225 00:07:36,790 --> 00:07:39,088 [ laughter ] 226 00:07:39,159 --> 00:07:40,592 SAL: Come on. You're sicker than that, bud. 227 00:07:40,660 --> 00:07:41,820 You should have been off for a week already. 228 00:07:41,895 --> 00:07:43,226 JOE: Yeah, man. I can't believe he came in. 229 00:07:43,296 --> 00:07:44,763 [Q coughing loudly] 230 00:07:49,502 --> 00:07:50,935 Oh, god. 231 00:07:51,004 --> 00:07:52,904 MURR: Grab her hand! Grab her hand! 232 00:07:52,973 --> 00:07:54,270 [Q groans] 233 00:07:54,341 --> 00:07:56,400 [ laughter ] 234 00:07:58,211 --> 00:07:59,371 This is killing me. 235 00:07:59,446 --> 00:08:00,777 [ laughter ] 236 00:08:00,847 --> 00:08:02,109 Sorry. I... 237 00:08:02,182 --> 00:08:03,877 I have flumonious shingles. 238 00:08:03,950 --> 00:08:05,383 [ laughter ] 239 00:08:05,452 --> 00:08:08,910 We started a new policy where we're taking tips. 240 00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:10,286 [ laughter ] 241 00:08:10,357 --> 00:08:11,449 If you--if you feel except-- 242 00:08:11,524 --> 00:08:12,957 [moans loudly] 243 00:08:13,026 --> 00:08:16,120 MURR: Oh, no! No good! 244 00:08:17,630 --> 00:08:19,393 Welcome to White Castle. Can I help you? 245 00:08:19,466 --> 00:08:20,956 Can I get the original slider? 246 00:08:21,034 --> 00:08:23,525 $2.80. You can pull around. 247 00:08:23,603 --> 00:08:25,798 Q: Hey, Murr. Listen, look down right next 248 00:08:25,872 --> 00:08:27,134 to the register over there. 249 00:08:27,207 --> 00:08:29,869 There's a little slider slingshot we made for you. 250 00:08:29,943 --> 00:08:31,467 What am I supposed to do with this thing? 251 00:08:31,544 --> 00:08:33,978 Q: You're gonna make fast food go a little faster, so... 252 00:08:34,047 --> 00:08:35,480 do me a favor--put a slider in that and just wing it past 253 00:08:35,548 --> 00:08:36,674 her car. 254 00:08:36,750 --> 00:08:38,775 JOE: Fire it over her car. Q: But don't hit it. 255 00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:40,183 Shoot it over the car. 256 00:08:40,253 --> 00:08:44,155 There you go. There it is. Say what? 257 00:08:50,196 --> 00:08:51,458 [ laughter ] 258 00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:56,400 I'm gonna wipe that off for you. 259 00:08:56,469 --> 00:08:58,027 [ laughter continues] 260 00:08:58,104 --> 00:08:59,935 SAL: Murr, you act like you've never used 261 00:09:00,006 --> 00:09:01,667 a cheeseburger slingshot before. 262 00:09:01,741 --> 00:09:04,505 JOE: That was some amateur-hour nonsense right there. 263 00:09:04,577 --> 00:09:06,010 He couldn't even get it over. 264 00:09:06,079 --> 00:09:08,775 The woman's car is here. He's like... 265 00:09:10,016 --> 00:09:11,449 You know, we do accept tips if you... 266 00:09:11,518 --> 00:09:14,681 Tips? You freaking threw a hamburger 267 00:09:14,754 --> 00:09:16,949 on my [bleep] window. 268 00:09:17,023 --> 00:09:18,513 [ laughter ] 269 00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:23,055 What can I get you? 270 00:09:23,129 --> 00:09:24,460 A number eight. 271 00:09:24,531 --> 00:09:27,022 While taking this order, have a huge argument with a coworker. 272 00:09:27,100 --> 00:09:29,728 Come on, Joe. Show these people who's boss! 273 00:09:29,803 --> 00:09:32,704 Cheese or no cheese? I'm asking him! 274 00:09:32,772 --> 00:09:34,831 MAN: Cheese, please. 275 00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:36,205 So you got the one combo. 276 00:09:36,276 --> 00:09:38,710 Because I said so, Raul! 277 00:09:38,778 --> 00:09:40,211 [ laughter ] 278 00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:43,044 MURR: Come on, Joe. Raul's getting out of line. 279 00:09:43,116 --> 00:09:44,640 If you would've been on time, I wouldn't have had 280 00:09:44,717 --> 00:09:46,309 to cover your shift! 281 00:09:46,386 --> 00:09:47,751 [ laughter ] 282 00:09:47,821 --> 00:09:49,550 JOE: Was that a Diet Coke? Raul! 283 00:09:49,622 --> 00:09:51,453 MAN: Yes. Two Diet Cokes. 284 00:09:51,524 --> 00:09:56,518 So it's two Diet Cokes. No l-- Gonna put that mop down, my man! 285 00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:58,188 [ laughter ] 286 00:09:58,264 --> 00:10:00,255 JOE: I'm sorry about that. You had the 20 ring, 287 00:10:00,333 --> 00:10:01,493 and then the sack full-- 288 00:10:01,568 --> 00:10:03,229 Raul, are you gonna start it up now?! 289 00:10:03,303 --> 00:10:04,395 [ laughter ] 290 00:10:04,471 --> 00:10:06,063 All right. So then the two Diet Cokes. 291 00:10:06,139 --> 00:10:09,233 We got two--Raul, drop the mop, and it's gonna get real in here! 292 00:10:09,309 --> 00:10:11,436 MAN: And two xanax for you. 293 00:10:11,511 --> 00:10:13,911 [ laughter ] 294 00:10:13,980 --> 00:10:15,948 We are accepting gratuities today if you guys 295 00:10:16,015 --> 00:10:17,243 are interested. 296 00:10:17,317 --> 00:10:18,875 It's been a rough day here. 297 00:10:18,952 --> 00:10:20,249 No, no, no, no, no! 298 00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:21,446 MURR: Oh, come on! No, no, no! 299 00:10:21,521 --> 00:10:23,716 SAL: That's like multiple dollars! Aw! 300 00:10:23,790 --> 00:10:24,916 JOE: Thank you so much. 301 00:10:24,991 --> 00:10:26,788 [Bleep]! See that, Raul?! 302 00:10:26,860 --> 00:10:28,794 MURR: Oh! Son of a... 303 00:10:33,099 --> 00:10:36,091 Welcome to White Castle. What can I get you, mustache? 304 00:10:36,169 --> 00:10:37,431 [ laughter ] 305 00:10:37,504 --> 00:10:38,596 Sorry, mustache. 306 00:10:38,671 --> 00:10:40,536 MAN: Don't call me mustache. 307 00:10:41,774 --> 00:10:42,866 Q: All right, mustache. 308 00:10:42,942 --> 00:10:44,409 Don't call me clown is all I'm saying. 309 00:10:44,477 --> 00:10:45,842 Do it! Do it! Go ahead. 310 00:10:47,147 --> 00:10:49,445 Welcome to White Castle. What can I get you, mustache? 311 00:10:49,516 --> 00:10:52,212 MAN: Can I get two originals, two regulars? 312 00:10:52,285 --> 00:10:53,650 MURR: Keep calling him mustache, buddy. 313 00:10:56,523 --> 00:10:57,922 SAL: Anything to drink, mustache? 314 00:10:57,991 --> 00:10:59,322 MAN: No. 315 00:10:59,392 --> 00:11:00,484 SAL: Any fries or side, mustache? 316 00:11:00,560 --> 00:11:02,027 MAN: No. No. SAL: All right. 317 00:11:02,095 --> 00:11:03,824 Any mustache, mustache? 318 00:11:03,897 --> 00:11:04,989 [ laughter ] 319 00:11:05,064 --> 00:11:06,395 No, that's it, man. 320 00:11:06,466 --> 00:11:08,457 All right. $2.69. Take it around, mustache. 321 00:11:08,535 --> 00:11:10,400 [ laughter ] 322 00:11:10,470 --> 00:11:12,904 Sal, when he comes out, pet his mustache! 323 00:11:12,972 --> 00:11:14,200 [ laughter ] 324 00:11:14,274 --> 00:11:15,571 [ applause ] 325 00:11:17,844 --> 00:11:19,471 Come on, guys. I'm nervous here. 326 00:11:19,546 --> 00:11:21,207 JOE: You touch his mustache! 327 00:11:25,351 --> 00:11:27,148 [machine beeps] 328 00:11:27,220 --> 00:11:31,054 SAL: OK, this here is... that's the order. 329 00:11:31,124 --> 00:11:33,615 And then I was gonna just try and, uh... 330 00:11:33,693 --> 00:11:35,126 MAN: Huh? 331 00:11:35,195 --> 00:11:36,628 [ laughter ] 332 00:11:36,696 --> 00:11:37,788 I was just gonna try and get a little touch--the mustache. 333 00:11:37,864 --> 00:11:38,990 MAN: The mustache? SAL: Yeah. Ha ha. 334 00:11:39,065 --> 00:11:40,965 MAN: Really? SAL: Just a touch. 335 00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:42,228 Just one touch. 336 00:11:42,302 --> 00:11:43,564 [ laughter ] 337 00:11:43,636 --> 00:11:45,501 That's all I wanted. it'll make my day. 338 00:11:45,572 --> 00:11:48,063 Q: He's on the fence! No way. 339 00:11:50,276 --> 00:11:51,538 Q: Ah! 340 00:11:51,611 --> 00:11:52,771 It would make my day. 341 00:11:58,551 --> 00:11:59,643 [ all cheering ] 342 00:11:59,719 --> 00:12:02,552 Thank you, sir. We are accepting tips. 343 00:12:04,490 --> 00:12:05,582 Thank you so much. 344 00:12:05,658 --> 00:12:07,023 All: Oh! 345 00:12:07,093 --> 00:12:08,685 JOE: Come on, man! 346 00:12:08,761 --> 00:12:10,456 SAL: Thank you, bud. Have a great day. 347 00:12:10,530 --> 00:12:13,863 So, Sal, I heard it was "bring your cat to work" day. 348 00:12:13,933 --> 00:12:15,025 SAL: Yeah, OK. 349 00:12:15,101 --> 00:12:16,466 [ laughter ] 350 00:12:16,536 --> 00:12:18,868 Q: So to mess with Sal today, I brought a cat to work. 351 00:12:18,938 --> 00:12:20,565 You know that Sal hates cats. 352 00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:22,198 JOE: Hates them with a passion. MURR: He's fearful of them. 353 00:12:24,077 --> 00:12:25,374 What the [bleep] is that? 354 00:12:25,445 --> 00:12:26,844 [ laughter ] 355 00:12:28,114 --> 00:12:30,514 What the hell is that?! 356 00:12:30,583 --> 00:12:32,380 I'm not sure how to react! 357 00:12:32,452 --> 00:12:33,885 [ laughter ] 358 00:12:37,223 --> 00:12:40,249 Q: Get him, Benjamin! Get him, Benjamin! 359 00:12:40,326 --> 00:12:42,157 [ laughter ] 360 00:12:42,228 --> 00:12:43,422 [ding] 361 00:12:43,496 --> 00:12:45,225 NARRATOR: Q and Murr are in a pickle. 362 00:12:45,298 --> 00:12:46,765 They both take a loss. 363 00:12:48,368 --> 00:12:50,131 Q: Have you ever been attacked by a cat? 364 00:12:50,203 --> 00:12:51,295 SAL: Yeah. Q: When? 365 00:12:51,371 --> 00:12:52,838 SAL: In high school. Q: In high school? 366 00:12:52,905 --> 00:12:54,270 So 20 years ago. 367 00:12:54,340 --> 00:12:56,467 SAL: You tell me what other creature that you don't know 368 00:12:56,542 --> 00:12:58,407 from a hole in the wall will walk up to you and start 369 00:12:58,478 --> 00:12:59,968 grinding against your body. 370 00:13:00,046 --> 00:13:01,570 Q: A dog. JOE: Murray. 371 00:13:01,648 --> 00:13:03,138 [ laughter ] 372 00:13:05,818 --> 00:13:08,048 SAL: Guys, I still want to dance! 373 00:13:08,121 --> 00:13:09,588 We're back in the park, trying to get strangers 374 00:13:09,656 --> 00:13:10,782 to dance with us. 375 00:13:10,857 --> 00:13:12,848 M U RR: Last time we tried this, nobody would join in, 376 00:13:12,925 --> 00:13:14,187 so we're gonna try it again! 377 00:13:14,260 --> 00:13:16,421 Q: We have to get people to dance with us without actually 378 00:13:16,496 --> 00:13:17,758 asking them to dance with us. 379 00:13:17,830 --> 00:13:21,266 If you can't get them to join you, you lose! 380 00:13:21,334 --> 00:13:23,393 JOE: You better stop. You're gonna hurt yourself. 381 00:13:25,371 --> 00:13:27,532 I got this figured out, bitches. 382 00:13:27,607 --> 00:13:28,767 MURR: Oh, yeah? 383 00:13:28,841 --> 00:13:30,274 JOE: Yeah, I'm down by the fountain where we were 384 00:13:30,343 --> 00:13:31,435 supposed to rehearse. 385 00:13:31,511 --> 00:13:32,808 MURR: Oh. 386 00:13:32,879 --> 00:13:34,176 ALL: Ah! 387 00:13:34,247 --> 00:13:35,339 Yeah. Well, the big show is tonight. 388 00:13:35,415 --> 00:13:36,609 Why aren't you coming? 389 00:13:36,683 --> 00:13:39,243 Q: Oh. The big show with moves like that. 390 00:13:39,319 --> 00:13:40,411 I've almost got it. 391 00:13:40,486 --> 00:13:41,953 I just can't remember the last step. 392 00:13:42,021 --> 00:13:43,283 MURR: This is an interesting approach. 393 00:13:43,356 --> 00:13:45,187 He's setting the tone that he's dancing already. 394 00:13:45,258 --> 00:13:46,589 Q: He's making it normal. 395 00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:48,058 JOE: What am I gonna do now? How am I gonna practice? 396 00:13:48,127 --> 00:13:49,355 All right. Well, don't worry. I'll make do. 397 00:13:49,429 --> 00:13:52,023 [ laughter ] 398 00:13:52,098 --> 00:13:53,622 [dance music plays on soundtrack] 399 00:13:56,703 --> 00:13:59,001 MURR: He's trying to remember the moves. 400 00:13:59,072 --> 00:14:00,266 SAL: He's high-stepping around the block. 401 00:14:00,340 --> 00:14:01,500 Q: He just looks like a loon. 402 00:14:01,574 --> 00:14:03,405 JOE: I don't know if you overheard me. 403 00:14:03,476 --> 00:14:06,138 I almost have the whole step down. We have a show tonight. 404 00:14:06,212 --> 00:14:08,806 And this is the last part I'm missing. 405 00:14:08,881 --> 00:14:11,315 I know it's you spin out, but it's kind of hard to do it 406 00:14:11,384 --> 00:14:12,715 without a partner. 407 00:14:12,785 --> 00:14:14,150 [ laughter ] 408 00:14:14,220 --> 00:14:16,780 I wish there was a way to solve this problem. 409 00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:18,653 [ laughter ] 410 00:14:18,725 --> 00:14:20,022 If anybody was-- SAL: I don't know. 411 00:14:20,093 --> 00:14:22,653 JOE: You know what? He's not asking directly, though. 412 00:14:22,729 --> 00:14:24,196 He hasn't violated a rule yet. 413 00:14:24,263 --> 00:14:25,924 It's real quick. It's just a... 414 00:14:25,998 --> 00:14:28,091 It's a little--and then-- 415 00:14:28,167 --> 00:14:30,658 there's a spin thing and then a dip. 416 00:14:30,737 --> 00:14:32,568 I want to do a little dipski on the fashank. 417 00:14:32,638 --> 00:14:34,299 [ laughter ] 418 00:14:34,374 --> 00:14:35,671 It's a little bit of a sashay. 419 00:14:35,742 --> 00:14:37,039 We do a little of this at the end. 420 00:14:37,110 --> 00:14:39,578 You guys don't dance? You guys don't feel the rhythm? 421 00:14:39,645 --> 00:14:42,341 WOMAN: No. JOE: That's a "no." 422 00:14:42,415 --> 00:14:44,144 Bad news. I'm not gonna make it to Broadway. 423 00:14:44,217 --> 00:14:45,616 MURR: Yeah. No kidding. 424 00:14:45,685 --> 00:14:47,516 [ laughter ] 425 00:14:47,587 --> 00:14:50,852 I have so much confidence in my moves. 426 00:14:50,923 --> 00:14:53,687 I feel like you can't watch it and not join in. 427 00:14:53,760 --> 00:14:55,318 JOE: So it's like osmosis? 428 00:14:55,395 --> 00:14:56,862 I'm gonna lay it out for them. 429 00:14:56,929 --> 00:14:58,226 Q: Oh, all right. 430 00:14:58,297 --> 00:14:59,389 MURR: Here he goes. 431 00:15:01,367 --> 00:15:03,028 Guys. All right? 432 00:15:03,102 --> 00:15:04,194 Q: Here he goes. 433 00:15:04,270 --> 00:15:05,362 [dance music plays on soundtrack ] 434 00:15:05,438 --> 00:15:07,565 [ laughter ] 435 00:15:10,576 --> 00:15:11,770 WOMAN: Whoo! 436 00:15:11,844 --> 00:15:13,106 JOE: Oh, they're clapping. A clap isn't a dance. 437 00:15:13,179 --> 00:15:14,612 Q: Clapping is not dancing. 438 00:15:14,680 --> 00:15:16,113 SAL: If it inspires you, do it. 439 00:15:19,051 --> 00:15:20,643 JOE: Sal's gonna collapse from exhaustion. 440 00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:21,812 MURR: Ah! 441 00:15:23,356 --> 00:15:25,017 SAL: You're feeling it. If you're feeling it. 442 00:15:25,091 --> 00:15:27,218 JOE: He might get them! He might get them! 443 00:15:27,293 --> 00:15:29,727 They might be inspired! 444 00:15:29,796 --> 00:15:31,957 GUYS: Oh! 445 00:15:32,031 --> 00:15:33,896 JOE: Come on! 446 00:15:33,966 --> 00:15:35,297 No! No! Oh, man! 447 00:15:35,368 --> 00:15:36,528 SAL: Thank you so much. 448 00:15:36,602 --> 00:15:38,001 JOE: Come on, dude! 449 00:15:38,070 --> 00:15:41,062 That's how...you do it. 450 00:15:41,140 --> 00:15:42,630 [ding] 451 00:15:42,708 --> 00:15:47,008 JOE: All right. Here he goes. He's sizing up. He's sizing up. 452 00:15:47,079 --> 00:15:49,809 Guys, do you know where the Empire State building is? 453 00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:52,444 [Guys laughing] 454 00:15:52,518 --> 00:15:53,678 I thought the Empire State building was that way, but I 455 00:15:53,753 --> 00:15:54,845 think it's this way. 456 00:15:54,921 --> 00:15:56,286 Do you know? 457 00:15:56,355 --> 00:15:58,323 Q: Is that even a dance or a gallop? 458 00:15:58,391 --> 00:15:59,483 Like, I feel he's galloping. 459 00:15:59,559 --> 00:16:00,651 MURR: I've been trying to find it all day, 460 00:16:00,726 --> 00:16:02,250 and I can't seem to get it. 461 00:16:02,328 --> 00:16:04,626 Q: Now it's a dance. JOE: Now it's a dance. 462 00:16:04,697 --> 00:16:07,029 I'm not really sure which way is north and which is south. 463 00:16:07,099 --> 00:16:08,191 What do you think? 464 00:16:09,502 --> 00:16:11,094 MURR: No, no. That's up and down. 465 00:16:11,170 --> 00:16:12,432 I'm looking for the Empire State building. 466 00:16:12,505 --> 00:16:14,132 Any ideas? 467 00:16:17,143 --> 00:16:18,337 [Guys laughing] 468 00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:23,012 MURR: Any ideas? Is it this way? Or is it this way? 469 00:16:23,082 --> 00:16:25,277 Q: I will say this for him-- every time I think he can't 470 00:16:25,351 --> 00:16:28,980 get any weirder, he figures out a way to get weirder. 471 00:16:29,055 --> 00:16:30,613 Can any of you help me? Anyone? 472 00:16:30,690 --> 00:16:32,521 Help me find it together. 473 00:16:32,592 --> 00:16:34,321 MURR: You're gonna help? 474 00:16:34,393 --> 00:16:35,587 O: No! He's doing it! 475 00:16:35,661 --> 00:16:36,753 JOE: Oh! Come on! 476 00:16:36,829 --> 00:16:39,229 MURR: That's it! Yeah! 477 00:16:39,298 --> 00:16:40,526 [ding!] 478 00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:43,364 JOE: OK. So here goes the king of dance. 479 00:16:43,436 --> 00:16:45,131 SAL: Yeah. If you recall what happened last time... 480 00:16:45,204 --> 00:16:47,001 MURR: You know what? He cheated last time. 481 00:16:47,073 --> 00:16:48,802 Guys, remember, I only cheated last time 482 00:16:48,875 --> 00:16:50,035 'cause I didn't think I'd get caught. 483 00:16:50,109 --> 00:16:51,371 JOE: That's true. 484 00:16:51,444 --> 00:16:52,775 Q: Now you guys are on to it. 485 00:16:52,845 --> 00:16:53,937 JOE: It's a whole different ball game. 486 00:16:54,013 --> 00:16:56,038 You know the hokey-pokey? 487 00:16:56,115 --> 00:16:57,810 MURR: You can't do that! You can't ask him. 488 00:16:57,884 --> 00:16:58,976 JOE: You can't talk about dancing! 489 00:16:59,051 --> 00:17:00,348 Can I see you do it? 490 00:17:00,419 --> 00:17:01,579 MURR: You can't say, "Let me see"! 491 00:17:01,654 --> 00:17:02,985 O: Come on. Get up. Do the hokey-pokey. 492 00:17:03,055 --> 00:17:04,784 Let me show you. 493 00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:06,256 Come on. What? 494 00:17:06,325 --> 00:17:07,758 MURR: That's it! Disqualified! 495 00:17:07,827 --> 00:17:09,988 [ laughter ] 496 00:17:10,062 --> 00:17:11,927 NARRATOR: Q doesn't have any moves, 497 00:17:11,998 --> 00:17:14,489 making him tonight's big loser. 498 00:17:14,567 --> 00:17:16,660 SAL: All right. Q is the big loser, and now 499 00:17:16,736 --> 00:17:18,169 it's time for his punishment. 500 00:17:18,237 --> 00:17:19,329 JOE: You are normally not shy 501 00:17:19,405 --> 00:17:20,599 when it comes to talking about sex... 502 00:17:20,673 --> 00:17:22,004 until now. 503 00:17:22,074 --> 00:17:24,668 MURR: That's because behind that door is a packed classroom 504 00:17:24,744 --> 00:17:26,439 full of sixth graders, waiting for you to give them 505 00:17:26,512 --> 00:17:27,877 the "birds and the bees" talk. 506 00:17:27,947 --> 00:17:30,074 SAL: We've created a sex-education slide show 507 00:17:30,149 --> 00:17:32,014 for you to help you get your points across. 508 00:17:32,084 --> 00:17:33,517 JOE: So you got to go in there and tell them 509 00:17:33,586 --> 00:17:35,816 what to put where, and everybody will be all right. 510 00:17:35,888 --> 00:17:37,583 I don't know if this is a good idea. 511 00:17:37,657 --> 00:17:39,522 [ laughter ] 512 00:17:39,592 --> 00:17:42,026 MURR: So what Q doesn't know is that we've secretly taken out 513 00:17:42,094 --> 00:17:44,961 all the sixth graders and replaced them with his parents. 514 00:17:45,031 --> 00:17:46,623 SAL: Yes. Yes, we did. 515 00:17:46,699 --> 00:17:48,360 JOE: Mama and papa Q are gonna find out what it's like to make 516 00:17:48,434 --> 00:17:52,336 a kid again from their kid. 517 00:17:52,405 --> 00:17:53,531 SAL: My God, this is amazing. 518 00:17:53,606 --> 00:17:55,699 This is, like, the greatest day of my life. 519 00:18:01,547 --> 00:18:03,310 [ laughter ] 520 00:18:07,186 --> 00:18:11,213 Oh. OK. Ha ha. 521 00:18:11,290 --> 00:18:12,484 [applause in adjacent room ] 522 00:18:12,558 --> 00:18:17,154 Oh, wow. That's--that's what we're doing? 523 00:18:17,229 --> 00:18:19,094 [clears throat] 524 00:18:19,165 --> 00:18:21,929 Mom and Dad. MOM: Hi, Brian. 525 00:18:22,001 --> 00:18:23,468 Uh, apparently, today I will be teaching you 526 00:18:23,536 --> 00:18:24,935 about the birds and the bees. 527 00:18:25,004 --> 00:18:27,734 I'll look at Dad the entire time. Nope. 528 00:18:27,807 --> 00:18:29,240 I'm just looking at you, Pop. 529 00:18:29,308 --> 00:18:30,741 Gonna pretend Mom is not even here. 530 00:18:30,810 --> 00:18:32,038 OK. 531 00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:33,237 [clears throat] 532 00:18:33,312 --> 00:18:34,574 Well... 533 00:18:34,647 --> 00:18:35,739 that's the male. 534 00:18:35,815 --> 00:18:36,907 [ laughter in adjacent room ] 535 00:18:36,983 --> 00:18:39,975 Uh, it's--that's what a male looks like. 536 00:18:40,052 --> 00:18:44,489 That's where I'm gonna punch my friends--right there. 537 00:18:44,557 --> 00:18:45,649 [ laughter ] 538 00:18:45,725 --> 00:18:48,125 Ahem. OK. Just moving along. 539 00:18:48,194 --> 00:18:49,957 [ Q chuckles ] 540 00:18:50,029 --> 00:18:51,428 OK. 541 00:18:51,497 --> 00:18:53,727 JOE: That's a picture of his parents' bedroom. 542 00:18:53,799 --> 00:18:56,563 Right. This is where I was conceived. 543 00:18:56,636 --> 00:18:58,297 I thought I was conceived in Brooklyn. 544 00:18:58,371 --> 00:18:59,736 MOM: Same bedroom set, bud. 545 00:18:59,805 --> 00:19:01,670 [ laughter ] 546 00:19:01,741 --> 00:19:04,107 Same bedroom set. OK, so that's--that right there is 547 00:19:04,176 --> 00:19:06,440 where the magic created me. 548 00:19:06,512 --> 00:19:07,672 DAD: More or less. Yeah. 549 00:19:07,747 --> 00:19:10,682 God, I'm sweating. OK. Moving along. 550 00:19:14,420 --> 00:19:15,853 MOM: Oh, this should be interesting. 551 00:19:15,921 --> 00:19:17,115 [ laughter ] 552 00:19:17,189 --> 00:19:19,123 Q: Uh, remember Locust Lake? 553 00:19:19,191 --> 00:19:20,658 Remember we went there on vacation? 554 00:19:20,726 --> 00:19:22,091 MOM: Don't tell me. 555 00:19:22,161 --> 00:19:24,391 And there was that nice girl Jen that kind of lived across-- 556 00:19:24,463 --> 00:19:26,090 Jen lived across and up the road. 557 00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:31,193 Took me into the house and, uh, and...you know... 558 00:19:31,270 --> 00:19:32,760 MOM: You didn't. 559 00:19:32,838 --> 00:19:36,899 Anyway, so that happened. Let's move this along. 560 00:19:36,976 --> 00:19:38,307 JOE: Come on, Q. Open it. 561 00:19:38,377 --> 00:19:39,935 Ma, I need you to close your eyes for this. 562 00:19:40,012 --> 00:19:41,536 Could you close your eyes for this? 563 00:19:41,614 --> 00:19:44,105 [ chuckles ] 564 00:19:44,183 --> 00:19:45,775 Yeah. 565 00:19:45,851 --> 00:19:47,443 What's in the box? 566 00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:49,988 Q: So, um... 567 00:19:50,056 --> 00:19:52,650 there's a doughnut, OK? 568 00:19:52,725 --> 00:19:54,386 And there's a hot dog. 569 00:19:54,460 --> 00:19:55,984 All right. So... 570 00:19:56,062 --> 00:19:57,495 [ laughter in adjacent room ] 571 00:20:01,233 --> 00:20:02,530 [applause in adjacent room ] 572 00:20:08,474 --> 00:20:09,839 You getting how that works? 573 00:20:09,909 --> 00:20:12,673 Uh, sometimes two women will be attracted to each other. 574 00:20:12,745 --> 00:20:15,373 [ laughter in adjacent room ] 575 00:20:18,184 --> 00:20:19,412 Q: Thank you guys very much. 576 00:20:19,485 --> 00:20:21,510 Um, I hope you learned something new. 577 00:20:21,587 --> 00:20:23,282 And just keep bail money around, because I'm gonna go 578 00:20:23,355 --> 00:20:25,653 in the next room and kill my friends, OK? 579 00:20:25,725 --> 00:20:26,953 Thank you. I'll be right back. 580 00:20:27,026 --> 00:20:28,118 WOMAN: There you go, Bri. 581 00:20:28,194 --> 00:20:30,185 Q: Excuse me. 38275

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