Original subtitles

NARRATOR: Coming up, why has Murr been forced

into hiding?

Q: What you've just done is piqued the curiosity

of the local authorities.

NARRATOR: The guys give Joe a problem he can't "shake."

JOE: I wish there was a way to solve this problem.

NARRATOR: What has Sal running for his life?

SAL: What the hell is that?!

NARRATOR: And tonight's big loser humiliates himself

in front of the toughest crowd imaginable.

[ laughter ]

SAL: We're in the park, trying to get people's attention

by saying "Psst!"

After we say "psst," the guys are gonna feed us

an embarrassing secret that we have to tell the stranger.

JOE: Once we share that secret, we got to get them to tell us

one of their own.

MURR: If you can't get someone to tell you a secret, you lose.

Psst!

JOE: How do you do that?

SAL: It's a secret!

[ laughter ]

Q: Here we go. Here we go.

JOE: It's like "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Fat Guy."

Psst!

I got to tell you something.

Just a little secret.

GUYS: No. No.

JOE: Here's a secret: you're weird.

That's no secret.

Psst!

I got to tell you something.

Q: When I was a kid... SAL: When I was a kid...

O: my dad used to beat me... SAL: my dad used to beat me...

Q: at tick-tack-toe... SAL: at tick-tack-toe...

...with a belt.

SAL: ...with his belt.

[ laughter ]

Psst!

When I squeeze it, everything falls into place.

When I squeeze it, everything falls into place.

MAN: Good.

Do you want to share a secret with me?

MAN: No, thank you. SAL: OK.

Psst! Psst!

I cheated on my wife at the Puerto Rican Day parade.

[ laughter ]

I cheated on my wife at the Puerto Rican Day parade.

[ laughter ]

- Do you--do you... SAL: I don't know.

SAL: "Don't tell her"?

JOE: It's not to get advice, buddy. It's to get a secret.

Q: Yeah, you got to get a secret, pal.

SAL: You guys want to share a secret with me, just to make

me feel better?

SAL: Ohh! Nice!

Oh! That was a real secret.

[ding]

Psst! Psst!

Psst!

Psst!

Q: I got to tell you a secret. SAL: Waffles...

Waffles...

SAL: ...I like them [bleep]. MAN: Waffles?

Q: I likes them [bleep]. MAN: Yeah?

Have you ever had chicken and waffles?

Q: I have had chicken and waffles!

MAN: Isn't that the best?

Q: That's the secret on top of the secret--

chicken and waffles! MAN: Whoa!

Q: Wait. Could you tell me a secret?

MAN: I'm black.

Q: You're black?! MAN: I am.

[ laughter ]

Have a good day.

MURR: His secret is he's black!

That's not really a secret. That's out there.

JOE: Here you go. Here you go. Here you go.

Q: Psst! l, uh...

JOE: I can't stop imagining...

I can't stop imagining...

what Kate Upton would look like with testicles.

what Kate Upton would look like with text-icles.

JOE: Thank you.

Is a "text-icle" when you send a message to your balls?

Is that what that is?

Q: What Kate Upton would look like with testicles,

it's just in my head all the time.

OK, that's my secret. What secret do you got?

You got a secret?

MAN: I got a package.

Q: What secret? What secret? No? No?

JOE: Oh! No secret!

I didn't want to say the word "testicle,"

so it came out "tes-ti-cle."

JOE: No, it came out "text-icle."

Psst!

MURR: I want to be pregnant...

I want to be pregnant...

not just look pregnant.

I--oh, yeah. Heh.

not just look pregnant.

[ laughter ]

That's my secret.

Do you have a secret you want to share?

You ever shoplift?

What about that time you shoplifted?

SAL: He was literally doing this when he asked it.

JOE: "You ever shoplift? Give me something juicy."

[ laughter ]

Q: What's Joe's approach like?

Psst! Psst!

Psst! Psst! Psst!

SAL: I don't feel like I own something...

I don't feel like I own something...

until I pee on it.

[ Sal laughs ]

until I pee on it.

That's my secret.

You know, I'm just out here sharing secrets by the big tree.

I was wondering if you had anything you wanted to share.

MAN: Ha ha! no, I'm good.

JOE: You're good? You don't want to share anything?

O: No! No! JOE: That's my secret.

Don't tell anybody! Keep it locked up!

Psst! Psst!

SAL: I got a panda in my trunk.

JOE: I got a panda in my trunk.

I'm looking to unload a panda.

You want to buy a panda on the cheap?

Well, that's my secret out here. It's a hot panda.

SAL: You're trying to unload the panda?

Uh, you got any secrets you want to tell me?

MAN: I don't have any... JOE: No secrets?

Nothing, I know, as big as the panda.

But you want to buy a panda on the cheap?

I'll throw in some shoots.

MURR: Some bamboo shoots?!

Now I'm secretless.

And I have a panda on my hands.

[ laughter ]

I've got this one figured out, guys.

SAL: How so?

MURR: What's gonna make this work is if you pique

someone's curiosity.

SAL: That's what we're doing by saying "Psst!"

No, no, no, no, no. I got an idea. Watch.

Watch.

JOE: Look at this idiot.

So this is all about location, huh?

MURR: That's it.

You pique someone's curiosity.

Q: What you've just done is

piqued the curiosity of the local authorities.

That's the only curiosity that's been piqued right now.

MURR: Psst! I've got a secret.

Do you want to hear it? Come here.

I got to get it off my chest.

Q: William Shatner once beat my ass down.

William Shatner once beat my ass down.

So did Spock.

So did Spock.

I was running my mouth off.

Shatner's there. Beats me down.

Spock was about a block behind.

I had it coming.

Anyways, that's my secret.

Do you have something you want to share with me,

something personal that you haven't told anyone before?

WOMAN: I love getting colonics.

MURR: You love getting colonics?!

WOMAN: That's it.

- You love getting colonics. MURR: That's a great secret!

I mean, who doesn't? Q: "I love getting colonics"!

MURR: You have a good day, ma'am.

SAL: "What's with the guy that crept out of the bushes?"

JOE: I don't even know what to do anymore with this show.

I don't even know what to do with it anymore.

[ laughter ]

Q: Joe's got to tell him. MURR: Loves getting colonics?

SAL: Oh, my God! I can't believe she shared that!

[ laughter ]

JOE: [Bleep].

MURR: She loves getting colonics.

[ding]

NARRATOR: Q and Joe are, "Psst!"

They have to take a loss.

MURR: I'm actually a master at covering my tracks.

JOE: You haven't noticed that you're the only one

that needs that skill out of the four of us?

Q: Why do you need that skill set?

MURR: I've got a lot of tracks.

JOE: You're like the Long Island railroad.

[ laughter ]

SAL: We are back!

ALL: At the castle of white!

And we're working the drive-through!

Why do they keep inviting us back?!

JOE: As customers pull up to place their order,

we have to do and say what the other guys tell us.

You have to get a tip no matter what!

If you cannot get a tip...

ALL: You lose!

I don't know how to work this.

MURR: Q.

Yeah.

You take her order, but you're fighting a wicked case

of, like, the flu.

Come on. Nobody wants to hear that

while they're eating.

You got something going.

[ coughs ]

Welcome to White Castle.

[ 939$ ]

[ laughter ]

Q: Can I take your ord--

[ coughs ]

WOMAN: Yeah. Can I get one jalape--

[Q coughing]

and a coke with no ice.

Q: Oh, God. $3.90.

JOE: I got the meat sweats!

Q: I got the meat sweats. You don't want the meat sweats.

[ laughter ]

SAL: Come on. You're sicker than that, bud.

You should have been off for a week already.

JOE: Yeah, man. I can't believe he came in.

[Q coughing loudly]

Oh, god.

MURR: Grab her hand! Grab her hand!

[Q groans]

[ laughter ]

This is killing me.

[ laughter ]

Sorry. I...

I have flumonious shingles.

[ laughter ]

We started a new policy where we're taking tips.

[ laughter ]

If you--if you feel except--

[moans loudly]

MURR: Oh, no! No good!

Welcome to White Castle. Can I help you?

Can I get the original slider?

$2.80. You can pull around.

Q: Hey, Murr. Listen, look down right next

to the register over there.

There's a little slider slingshot we made for you.

What am I supposed to do with this thing?

Q: You're gonna make fast food go a little faster, so...

do me a favor--put a slider in that and just wing it past

her car.

JOE: Fire it over her car. Q: But don't hit it.

Shoot it over the car.

There you go. There it is. Say what?

[ laughter ]

I'm gonna wipe that off for you.

[ laughter continues]

SAL: Murr, you act like you've never used

a cheeseburger slingshot before.

JOE: That was some amateur-hour nonsense right there.

He couldn't even get it over.

The woman's car is here. He's like...

You know, we do accept tips if you...

Tips? You freaking threw a hamburger

on my [bleep] window.

[ laughter ]

What can I get you?

A number eight.

While taking this order, have a huge argument with a coworker.

Come on, Joe. Show these people who's boss!

Cheese or no cheese? I'm asking him!

MAN: Cheese, please.

So you got the one combo.

Because I said so, Raul!

[ laughter ]

MURR: Come on, Joe. Raul's getting out of line.

If you would've been on time, I wouldn't have had

to cover your shift!

[ laughter ]

JOE: Was that a Diet Coke? Raul!

MAN: Yes. Two Diet Cokes.

So it's two Diet Cokes. No l-- Gonna put that mop down, my man!

[ laughter ]

JOE: I'm sorry about that. You had the 20 ring,

and then the sack full--

Raul, are you gonna start it up now?!

[ laughter ]

All right. So then the two Diet Cokes.

We got two--Raul, drop the mop, and it's gonna get real in here!

MAN: And two xanax for you.

[ laughter ]

We are accepting gratuities today if you guys

are interested.

It's been a rough day here.

No, no, no, no, no!

MURR: Oh, come on! No, no, no!

SAL: That's like multiple dollars! Aw!

JOE: Thank you so much.

[Bleep]! See that, Raul?!

MURR: Oh! Son of a...

Welcome to White Castle. What can I get you, mustache?

[ laughter ]

Sorry, mustache.

MAN: Don't call me mustache.

Q: All right, mustache.

Don't call me clown is all I'm saying.

Do it! Do it! Go ahead.

Welcome to White Castle. What can I get you, mustache?

MAN: Can I get two originals, two regulars?

MURR: Keep calling him mustache, buddy.

SAL: Anything to drink, mustache?

MAN: No.

SAL: Any fries or side, mustache?

MAN: No. No. SAL: All right.

Any mustache, mustache?

[ laughter ]

No, that's it, man.

All right. $2.69. Take it around, mustache.

[ laughter ]

Sal, when he comes out, pet his mustache!

[ laughter ]

[ applause ]

Come on, guys. I'm nervous here.

JOE: You touch his mustache!

[machine beeps]

SAL: OK, this here is... that's the order.

And then I was gonna just try and, uh...

MAN: Huh?

[ laughter ]

I was just gonna try and get a little touch--the mustache.

MAN: The mustache? SAL: Yeah. Ha ha.

MAN: Really? SAL: Just a touch.

Just one touch.

[ laughter ]

That's all I wanted. it'll make my day.

Q: He's on the fence! No way.

Q: Ah!

It would make my day.

[ all cheering ]

Thank you, sir. We are accepting tips.

Thank you so much.

All: Oh!

JOE: Come on, man!

SAL: Thank you, bud. Have a great day.

So, Sal, I heard it was "bring your cat to work" day.

SAL: Yeah, OK.

[ laughter ]

Q: So to mess with Sal today, I brought a cat to work.

You know that Sal hates cats.

JOE: Hates them with a passion. MURR: He's fearful of them.

What the [bleep] is that?

[ laughter ]

What the hell is that?!

I'm not sure how to react!

[ laughter ]

Q: Get him, Benjamin! Get him, Benjamin!

[ laughter ]

[ding]

NARRATOR: Q and Murr are in a pickle.

They both take a loss.

Q: Have you ever been attacked by a cat?

SAL: Yeah. Q: When?

SAL: In high school. Q: In high school?

So 20 years ago.

SAL: You tell me what other creature that you don't know

from a hole in the wall will walk up to you and start

grinding against your body.

Q: A dog. JOE: Murray.

[ laughter ]

SAL: Guys, I still want to dance!

We're back in the park, trying to get strangers

to dance with us.

M U RR: Last time we tried this, nobody would join in,

so we're gonna try it again!

Q: We have to get people to dance with us without actually

asking them to dance with us.

If you can't get them to join you, you lose!

JOE: You better stop. You're gonna hurt yourself.

I got this figured out, bitches.

MURR: Oh, yeah?

JOE: Yeah, I'm down by the fountain where we were

supposed to rehearse.

MURR: Oh.

ALL: Ah!

Yeah. Well, the big show is tonight.

Why aren't you coming?

Q: Oh. The big show with moves like that.

I've almost got it.

I just can't remember the last step.

MURR: This is an interesting approach.

He's setting the tone that he's dancing already.

Q: He's making it normal.

JOE: What am I gonna do now? How am I gonna practice?

All right. Well, don't worry. I'll make do.

[ laughter ]

[dance music plays on soundtrack]

MURR: He's trying to remember the moves.

SAL: He's high-stepping around the block.

Q: He just looks like a loon.

JOE: I don't know if you overheard me.

I almost have the whole step down. We have a show tonight.

And this is the last part I'm missing.

I know it's you spin out, but it's kind of hard to do it

without a partner.

[ laughter ]

I wish there was a way to solve this problem.

[ laughter ]

If anybody was-- SAL: I don't know.

JOE: You know what? He's not asking directly, though.

He hasn't violated a rule yet.

It's real quick. It's just a...

It's a little--and then--

there's a spin thing and then a dip.

I want to do a little dipski on the fashank.

[ laughter ]

It's a little bit of a sashay.

We do a little of this at the end.

You guys don't dance? You guys don't feel the rhythm?

WOMAN: No. JOE: That's a "no."

Bad news. I'm not gonna make it to Broadway.

MURR: Yeah. No kidding.

[ laughter ]

I have so much confidence in my moves.

I feel like you can't watch it and not join in.

JOE: So it's like osmosis?

I'm gonna lay it out for them.

Q: Oh, all right.

MURR: Here he goes.

Guys. All right?

Q: Here he goes.

[dance music plays on soundtrack ]

[ laughter ]

WOMAN: Whoo!

JOE: Oh, they're clapping. A clap isn't a dance.

Q: Clapping is not dancing.

SAL: If it inspires you, do it.

JOE: Sal's gonna collapse from exhaustion.

MURR: Ah!

SAL: You're feeling it. If you're feeling it.

JOE: He might get them! He might get them!

They might be inspired!

GUYS: Oh!

JOE: Come on!

No! No! Oh, man!

SAL: Thank you so much.

JOE: Come on, dude!

That's how...you do it.

[ding]

JOE: All right. Here he goes. He's sizing up. He's sizing up.

Guys, do you know where the Empire State building is?

[Guys laughing]

I thought the Empire State building was that way, but I

think it's this way.

Do you know?

Q: Is that even a dance or a gallop?

Like, I feel he's galloping.

MURR: I've been trying to find it all day,

and I can't seem to get it.

Q: Now it's a dance. JOE: Now it's a dance.

I'm not really sure which way is north and which is south.

What do you think?

MURR: No, no. That's up and down.

I'm looking for the Empire State building.

Any ideas?

[Guys laughing]

MURR: Any ideas? Is it this way? Or is it this way?

Q: I will say this for him-- every time I think he can't

get any weirder, he figures out a way to get weirder.

Can any of you help me? Anyone?

Help me find it together.

MURR: You're gonna help?

O: No! He's doing it!

JOE: Oh! Come on!

MURR: That's it! Yeah!

[ding!]

JOE: OK. So here goes the king of dance.

SAL: Yeah. If you recall what happened last time...

MURR: You know what? He cheated last time.

Guys, remember, I only cheated last time

'cause I didn't think I'd get caught.

JOE: That's true.

Q: Now you guys are on to it.

JOE: It's a whole different ball game.

You know the hokey-pokey?

MURR: You can't do that! You can't ask him.

JOE: You can't talk about dancing!

Can I see you do it?

MURR: You can't say, "Let me see"!

O: Come on. Get up. Do the hokey-pokey.

Let me show you.

Come on. What?

MURR: That's it! Disqualified!

[ laughter ]

NARRATOR: Q doesn't have any moves,

making him tonight's big loser.

SAL: All right. Q is the big loser, and now

it's time for his punishment.

JOE: You are normally not shy

when it comes to talking about sex...

until now.

MURR: That's because behind that door is a packed classroom

full of sixth graders, waiting for you to give them

the "birds and the bees" talk.

SAL: We've created a sex-education slide show

for you to help you get your points across.

JOE: So you got to go in there and tell them

what to put where, and everybody will be all right.

I don't know if this is a good idea.

[ laughter ]

MURR: So what Q doesn't know is that we've secretly taken out

all the sixth graders and replaced them with his parents.

SAL: Yes. Yes, we did.

JOE: Mama and papa Q are gonna find out what it's like to make

a kid again from their kid.

SAL: My God, this is amazing.

This is, like, the greatest day of my life.

[ laughter ]

Oh. OK. Ha ha.

[applause in adjacent room ]

Oh, wow. That's--that's what we're doing?

[clears throat]

Mom and Dad. MOM: Hi, Brian.

Uh, apparently, today I will be teaching you

about the birds and the bees.

I'll look at Dad the entire time. Nope.

I'm just looking at you, Pop.

Gonna pretend Mom is not even here.

OK.

[clears throat]

Well...

that's the male.

[ laughter in adjacent room ]

Uh, it's--that's what a male looks like.

That's where I'm gonna punch my friends--right there.

[ laughter ]

Ahem. OK. Just moving along.

[ Q chuckles ]

OK.

JOE: That's a picture of his parents' bedroom.

Right. This is where I was conceived.

I thought I was conceived in Brooklyn.

MOM: Same bedroom set, bud.

[ laughter ]

Same bedroom set. OK, so that's--that right there is

where the magic created me.

DAD: More or less. Yeah.

God, I'm sweating. OK. Moving along.

MOM: Oh, this should be interesting.

[ laughter ]

Q: Uh, remember Locust Lake?

Remember we went there on vacation?

MOM: Don't tell me.

And there was that nice girl Jen that kind of lived across--

Jen lived across and up the road.

Took me into the house and, uh, and...you know...

MOM: You didn't.

Anyway, so that happened. Let's move this along.

JOE: Come on, Q. Open it.

Ma, I need you to close your eyes for this.

Could you close your eyes for this?

[ chuckles ]

Yeah.

What's in the box?

Q: So, um...

there's a doughnut, OK?

And there's a hot dog.

All right. So...

[ laughter in adjacent room ]

[applause in adjacent room ]

You getting how that works?

Uh, sometimes two women will be attracted to each other.

[ laughter in adjacent room ]

Q: Thank you guys very much.

Um, I hope you learned something new.

And just keep bail money around, because I'm gonna go

in the next room and kill my friends, OK?

Thank you. I'll be right back.

WOMAN: There you go, Bri.

Q: Excuse me.