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NARRATOR: Coming up,
why has Murr been forced
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00:00:08,308 --> 00:00:09,468
into hiding?
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00:00:09,543 --> 00:00:11,238
Q: What you've just done
is piqued the curiosity
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00:00:11,311 --> 00:00:13,142
of the local authorities.
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00:00:13,213 --> 00:00:15,647
NARRATOR: The guys give
Joe a problem he can't "shake."
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00:00:15,716 --> 00:00:17,980
JOE: I wish there was
a way to solve this problem.
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00:00:18,051 --> 00:00:19,882
NARRATOR: What
has Sal running for his life?
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00:00:19,953 --> 00:00:21,887
SAL: What the hell is that?!
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00:00:21,955 --> 00:00:24,150
NARRATOR: And tonight's
big loser humiliates himself
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00:00:24,224 --> 00:00:26,988
in front of
the toughest crowd imaginable.
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00:00:27,060 --> 00:00:28,550
[ laughter ]
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00:00:33,567 --> 00:00:35,501
SAL: We're in the park,
trying to get people's attention
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00:00:35,569 --> 00:00:38,060
by saying "Psst!"
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00:00:38,138 --> 00:00:40,163
After we say "psst,"
the guys are gonna feed us
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00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:42,333
an embarrassing secret that
we have to tell the stranger.
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00:00:42,409 --> 00:00:43,740
JOE: Once we share that secret,
we got to get them to tell us
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00:00:43,810 --> 00:00:45,607
one of their own.
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00:00:45,679 --> 00:00:48,307
MURR: If you can't get someone
to tell you a secret, you lose.
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00:00:48,382 --> 00:00:49,542
Psst!
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00:00:49,616 --> 00:00:51,174
JOE: How do you do that?
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00:00:51,251 --> 00:00:52,343
SAL: It's a secret!
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00:00:52,419 --> 00:00:53,511
[ laughter ]
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00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:58,381
Q: Here we go. Here we go.
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00:00:58,458 --> 00:01:00,892
JOE: It's like "Crouching
Tiger, Hidden Fat Guy."
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00:01:00,961 --> 00:01:02,519
Psst!
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00:01:02,596 --> 00:01:03,688
I got to tell you something.
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00:01:03,764 --> 00:01:05,254
Just a little secret.
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00:01:05,332 --> 00:01:06,526
GUYS: No. No.
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00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:08,090
JOE: Here's a secret:
you're weird.
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00:01:08,168 --> 00:01:09,965
That's no secret.
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00:01:10,037 --> 00:01:11,527
Psst!
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00:01:11,605 --> 00:01:12,765
I got to tell you something.
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00:01:12,839 --> 00:01:14,500
Q: When I was a kid...
SAL: When I was a kid...
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00:01:14,575 --> 00:01:16,202
O: my dad used to beat me...
SAL: my dad used to beat me...
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00:01:16,276 --> 00:01:18,073
Q: at tick-tack-toe...
SAL: at tick-tack-toe...
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00:01:18,145 --> 00:01:19,442
...with a belt.
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00:01:19,513 --> 00:01:20,605
SAL: ...with his belt.
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[ laughter ]
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Psst!
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00:01:28,422 --> 00:01:30,720
When I squeeze it,
everything falls into place.
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00:01:34,027 --> 00:01:36,996
When I squeeze it,
everything falls into place.
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MAN: Good.
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00:01:38,398 --> 00:01:40,730
Do you want to share
a secret with me?
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MAN: No, thank you.
SAL: OK.
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00:01:42,736 --> 00:01:45,398
Psst! Psst!
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00:01:45,472 --> 00:01:46,734
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00:01:46,807 --> 00:01:49,207
I cheated on my wife
at the Puerto Rican Day parade.
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[ laughter ]
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00:01:51,144 --> 00:01:56,377
I cheated on my wife
at the Puerto Rican Day parade.
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00:01:56,450 --> 00:01:57,382
[ laughter ]
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00:01:58,585 --> 00:02:01,019
- Do you--do you...
SAL: I don't know.
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00:02:01,088 --> 00:02:03,613
SAL: "Don't tell her"?
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00:02:03,690 --> 00:02:05,089
JOE: It's not to get advice,
buddy. It's to get a secret.
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00:02:05,158 --> 00:02:06,591
Q: Yeah, you got
to get a secret, pal.
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00:02:06,660 --> 00:02:07,752
SAL: You guys want to share
a secret with me, just to make
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00:02:07,828 --> 00:02:09,056
me feel better?
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00:02:14,868 --> 00:02:18,269
SAL: Ohh! Nice!
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00:02:18,338 --> 00:02:19,805
Oh! That was a real secret.
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[ding]
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Psst! Psst!
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Psst!
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Psst!
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00:02:27,881 --> 00:02:29,610
Q: I got to tell you a secret.
SAL: Waffles...
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00:02:29,683 --> 00:02:31,275
Waffles...
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00:02:31,351 --> 00:02:33,046
SAL: ...I like them [bleep].
MAN: Waffles?
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00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:35,111
Q: I likes them [bleep].
MAN: Yeah?
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00:02:35,188 --> 00:02:36,815
Have you ever
had chicken and waffles?
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00:02:36,890 --> 00:02:37,982
Q: I have had chicken
and waffles!
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00:02:38,058 --> 00:02:39,150
MAN: Isn't that the best?
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Q: That's the secret
on top of the secret--
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chicken and waffles!
MAN: Whoa!
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Q: Wait.
Could you tell me a secret?
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00:02:44,865 --> 00:02:46,025
MAN: I'm black.
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00:02:46,099 --> 00:02:47,623
Q: You're black?!
MAN: I am.
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[ laughter ]
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00:02:49,269 --> 00:02:50,896
Have a good day.
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00:02:50,971 --> 00:02:53,030
MURR: His secret is he's black!
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That's not really a secret.
That's out there.
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00:02:55,008 --> 00:02:56,635
JOE: Here you go.
Here you go. Here you go.
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00:02:56,710 --> 00:02:58,940
Q: Psst! l, uh...
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00:02:59,012 --> 00:03:00,479
JOE: I can't stop imagining...
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00:03:00,547 --> 00:03:02,412
I can't stop imagining...
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00:03:02,482 --> 00:03:04,643
what Kate Upton
would look like with testicles.
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00:03:04,718 --> 00:03:08,154
what Kate Upton
would look like with text-icles.
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00:03:08,221 --> 00:03:09,745
JOE: Thank you.
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00:03:09,823 --> 00:03:13,088
Is a "text-icle" when you
send a message to your balls?
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00:03:13,160 --> 00:03:14,320
Is that what that is?
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00:03:14,394 --> 00:03:15,861
Q: What Kate Upton
would look like with testicles,
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00:03:15,929 --> 00:03:17,453
it's just in my head
all the time.
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00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:18,623
OK, that's my secret.
What secret do you got?
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00:03:18,699 --> 00:03:20,064
You got a secret?
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00:03:20,133 --> 00:03:21,225
MAN: I got a package.
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00:03:21,301 --> 00:03:22,962
Q: What secret? What secret?
No? No?
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00:03:23,036 --> 00:03:24,162
JOE: Oh! No secret!
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00:03:24,237 --> 00:03:26,728
I didn't want to say the word
"testicle,"
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00:03:26,807 --> 00:03:28,672
so it came out "tes-ti-cle."
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00:03:28,742 --> 00:03:31,267
JOE: No,
it came out "text-icle."
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00:03:31,344 --> 00:03:32,777
Psst!
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00:03:32,846 --> 00:03:34,279
MURR: I want to be pregnant...
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00:03:34,347 --> 00:03:35,746
I want to be pregnant...
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00:03:35,816 --> 00:03:37,340
not just look pregnant.
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00:03:37,417 --> 00:03:39,885
I--oh, yeah. Heh.
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00:03:39,953 --> 00:03:41,511
not just look pregnant.
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00:03:41,588 --> 00:03:43,055
[ laughter ]
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That's my secret.
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00:03:44,391 --> 00:03:48,259
Do you have
a secret you want to share?
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00:03:48,328 --> 00:03:50,819
You ever shoplift?
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00:03:50,897 --> 00:03:52,694
What about
that time you shoplifted?
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00:03:52,766 --> 00:03:56,031
SAL: He was literally
doing this when he asked it.
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00:03:56,103 --> 00:03:58,663
JOE: "You ever shoplift?
Give me something juicy."
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[ laughter ]
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00:04:00,974 --> 00:04:02,566
Q: What's Joe's approach like?
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Psst! Psst!
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00:04:05,045 --> 00:04:09,641
Psst! Psst! Psst!
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00:04:11,718 --> 00:04:12,946
SAL: I don't feel
like I own something...
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00:04:13,019 --> 00:04:14,509
I don't feel
like I own something...
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00:04:14,588 --> 00:04:15,782
until I pee on it.
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00:04:15,856 --> 00:04:17,687
[ Sal laughs ]
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until I pee on it.
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00:04:19,059 --> 00:04:20,526
That's my secret.
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00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:23,222
You know, I'm just out here
sharing secrets by the big tree.
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00:04:23,296 --> 00:04:25,423
I was wondering if you had
anything you wanted to share.
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00:04:25,499 --> 00:04:26,830
MAN: Ha ha! no, I'm good.
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00:04:26,900 --> 00:04:27,992
JOE: You're good? You don't
want to share anything?
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00:04:28,068 --> 00:04:29,558
O: No! No!
JOE: That's my secret.
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00:04:29,636 --> 00:04:32,298
Don't tell anybody!
Keep it locked up!
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00:04:34,241 --> 00:04:36,072
Psst! Psst!
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00:04:36,143 --> 00:04:37,633
SAL: I got a panda in my trunk.
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00:04:37,711 --> 00:04:40,475
JOE: I got a panda
in my trunk.
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00:04:40,547 --> 00:04:42,105
I'm looking to unload a panda.
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00:04:42,182 --> 00:04:44,116
You want to buy
a panda on the cheap?
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00:04:44,184 --> 00:04:47,051
Well, that's my secret
out here. It's a hot panda.
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00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:48,917
SAL: You're
trying to unload the panda?
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00:04:48,989 --> 00:04:50,718
Uh, you got any
secrets you want to tell me?
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00:04:50,791 --> 00:04:52,452
MAN: I don't have any...
JOE: No secrets?
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00:04:52,526 --> 00:04:54,460
Nothing, I know,
as big as the panda.
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00:04:54,528 --> 00:04:55,620
But you want
to buy a panda on the cheap?
138
00:04:55,695 --> 00:04:57,253
I'll throw in some shoots.
139
00:04:57,330 --> 00:04:58,797
MURR: Some bamboo shoots?!
140
00:04:58,865 --> 00:05:00,594
Now I'm secretless.
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00:05:00,667 --> 00:05:03,101
And I have a panda on my hands.
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00:05:03,170 --> 00:05:04,797
[ laughter ]
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00:05:04,871 --> 00:05:05,963
I've got this
one figured out, guys.
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00:05:06,039 --> 00:05:07,529
SAL: How so?
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00:05:07,607 --> 00:05:08,904
MURR: What's gonna make
this work is if you pique
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00:05:08,975 --> 00:05:10,135
someone's curiosity.
147
00:05:10,210 --> 00:05:11,700
SAL: That's what we're
doing by saying "Psst!"
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00:05:11,778 --> 00:05:14,713
No, no, no, no, no.
I got an idea. Watch.
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00:05:14,781 --> 00:05:16,271
Watch.
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00:05:16,349 --> 00:05:17,714
JOE: Look at this idiot.
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00:05:17,784 --> 00:05:18,944
So this
is all about location, huh?
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00:05:19,019 --> 00:05:20,179
MURR: That's it.
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00:05:20,253 --> 00:05:21,652
You pique someone's curiosity.
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00:05:21,721 --> 00:05:22,847
Q: What you've just done is
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00:05:22,923 --> 00:05:25,414
piqued the curiosity
of the local authorities.
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00:05:25,492 --> 00:05:27,790
That's the only curiosity
that's been piqued right now.
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00:05:27,861 --> 00:05:30,625
MURR: Psst! I've got a secret.
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00:05:30,697 --> 00:05:32,494
Do you want to hear it?
Come here.
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00:05:32,566 --> 00:05:33,965
I got to get it off my chest.
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00:05:34,034 --> 00:05:35,934
Q: William Shatner
once beat my ass down.
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00:05:36,002 --> 00:05:38,527
William Shatner
once beat my ass down.
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00:05:38,605 --> 00:05:40,072
So did Spock.
163
00:05:41,708 --> 00:05:43,005
So did Spock.
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00:05:43,076 --> 00:05:44,270
I was running my mouth off.
165
00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:45,971
Shatner's there. Beats me down.
166
00:05:46,046 --> 00:05:47,638
Spock was about a block behind.
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00:05:47,714 --> 00:05:48,840
I had it coming.
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00:05:48,915 --> 00:05:50,815
Anyways, that's my secret.
169
00:05:50,884 --> 00:05:53,148
Do you have something
you want to share with me,
170
00:05:53,220 --> 00:05:55,586
something personal that
you haven't told anyone before?
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00:05:58,325 --> 00:06:00,384
WOMAN: I love getting colonics.
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00:06:00,460 --> 00:06:01,654
MURR: You love
getting colonics?!
173
00:06:01,728 --> 00:06:03,195
WOMAN: That's it.
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00:06:03,263 --> 00:06:05,288
- You love getting colonics.
MURR: That's a great secret!
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00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:06,957
I mean, who doesn't?
Q: "I love getting colonics"!
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00:06:07,033 --> 00:06:08,500
MURR: You have a good
day, ma'am.
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00:06:08,568 --> 00:06:10,195
SAL: "What's with the guy
that crept out of the bushes?"
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00:06:10,270 --> 00:06:12,500
JOE: I don't even know what
to do anymore with this show.
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00:06:12,572 --> 00:06:14,062
I don't even know
what to do with it anymore.
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00:06:14,140 --> 00:06:15,334
[ laughter ]
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00:06:17,410 --> 00:06:19,173
Q: Joe's got to tell him.
MURR: Loves getting colonics?
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00:06:19,246 --> 00:06:22,306
SAL: Oh, my God!
I can't believe she shared that!
183
00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:24,714
[ laughter ]
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00:06:24,784 --> 00:06:26,046
JOE: [Bleep].
185
00:06:26,119 --> 00:06:27,279
MURR: She loves
getting colonics.
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00:06:27,354 --> 00:06:28,446
[ding]
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00:06:28,521 --> 00:06:30,682
NARRATOR: Q and Joe are, "Psst!"
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00:06:30,757 --> 00:06:31,951
They have to take a loss.
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00:06:34,261 --> 00:06:36,161
MURR: I'm actually a master
at covering my tracks.
190
00:06:36,229 --> 00:06:37,423
JOE: You haven't noticed
that you're the only one
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00:06:37,497 --> 00:06:38,794
that needs that skill
out of the four of us?
192
00:06:38,865 --> 00:06:40,162
Q: Why do you
need that skill set?
193
00:06:40,233 --> 00:06:41,564
MURR: I've got a lot of tracks.
194
00:06:41,635 --> 00:06:43,865
JOE: You're like
the Long Island railroad.
195
00:06:43,937 --> 00:06:44,904
[ laughter ]
196
00:06:46,373 --> 00:06:47,704
SAL: We are back!
197
00:06:47,774 --> 00:06:49,173
ALL: At the castle of white!
198
00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:51,107
And we're working
the drive-through!
199
00:06:51,177 --> 00:06:52,667
Why do they keep
inviting us back?!
200
00:06:52,746 --> 00:06:54,839
JOE: As customers
pull up to place their order,
201
00:06:54,915 --> 00:06:56,473
we have to do and say
what the other guys tell us.
202
00:06:56,549 --> 00:06:58,449
You have to get a tip
no matter what!
203
00:06:58,518 --> 00:06:59,610
If you cannot get a tip...
204
00:06:59,686 --> 00:07:01,244
ALL: You lose!
205
00:07:03,723 --> 00:07:06,920
I don't know how to work this.
206
00:07:06,993 --> 00:07:08,085
MURR: Q.
207
00:07:08,161 --> 00:07:09,628
Yeah.
208
00:07:09,696 --> 00:07:10,788
You take her order, but
you're fighting a wicked case
209
00:07:10,864 --> 00:07:12,195
of, like, the flu.
210
00:07:12,265 --> 00:07:13,357
Come on.
Nobody wants to hear that
211
00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:14,525
while they're eating.
212
00:07:14,601 --> 00:07:16,569
You got something going.
213
00:07:16,636 --> 00:07:17,898
[ coughs ]
214
00:07:17,971 --> 00:07:19,632
Welcome to White Castle.
215
00:07:19,706 --> 00:07:20,798
[ 939$ ]
216
00:07:20,874 --> 00:07:22,398
[ laughter ]
217
00:07:22,475 --> 00:07:23,806
Q: Can I take your ord--
218
00:07:23,877 --> 00:07:24,969
[ coughs ]
219
00:07:25,045 --> 00:07:26,410
WOMAN: Yeah. Can I get
one jalape--
220
00:07:26,479 --> 00:07:28,037
[Q coughing]
221
00:07:28,114 --> 00:07:29,513
and a coke with no ice.
222
00:07:29,582 --> 00:07:30,776
Q: Oh, God. $3.90.
223
00:07:30,850 --> 00:07:33,045
JOE: I got the meat sweats!
224
00:07:33,119 --> 00:07:36,714
Q: I got the meat sweats.
You don't want the meat sweats.
225
00:07:36,790 --> 00:07:39,088
[ laughter ]
226
00:07:39,159 --> 00:07:40,592
SAL: Come on.
You're sicker than that, bud.
227
00:07:40,660 --> 00:07:41,820
You should have been off
for a week already.
228
00:07:41,895 --> 00:07:43,226
JOE: Yeah, man.
I can't believe he came in.
229
00:07:43,296 --> 00:07:44,763
[Q coughing loudly]
230
00:07:49,502 --> 00:07:50,935
Oh, god.
231
00:07:51,004 --> 00:07:52,904
MURR: Grab her hand!
Grab her hand!
232
00:07:52,973 --> 00:07:54,270
[Q groans]
233
00:07:54,341 --> 00:07:56,400
[ laughter ]
234
00:07:58,211 --> 00:07:59,371
This is killing me.
235
00:07:59,446 --> 00:08:00,777
[ laughter ]
236
00:08:00,847 --> 00:08:02,109
Sorry. I...
237
00:08:02,182 --> 00:08:03,877
I have flumonious shingles.
238
00:08:03,950 --> 00:08:05,383
[ laughter ]
239
00:08:05,452 --> 00:08:08,910
We started a new policy
where we're taking tips.
240
00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:10,286
[ laughter ]
241
00:08:10,357 --> 00:08:11,449
If you--if you feel except--
242
00:08:11,524 --> 00:08:12,957
[moans loudly]
243
00:08:13,026 --> 00:08:16,120
MURR: Oh, no! No good!
244
00:08:17,630 --> 00:08:19,393
Welcome to White Castle.
Can I help you?
245
00:08:19,466 --> 00:08:20,956
Can I get
the original slider?
246
00:08:21,034 --> 00:08:23,525
$2.80. You can pull around.
247
00:08:23,603 --> 00:08:25,798
Q: Hey, Murr. Listen,
look down right next
248
00:08:25,872 --> 00:08:27,134
to the register over there.
249
00:08:27,207 --> 00:08:29,869
There's a little slider
slingshot we made for you.
250
00:08:29,943 --> 00:08:31,467
What am I supposed
to do with this thing?
251
00:08:31,544 --> 00:08:33,978
Q: You're gonna make fast food
go a little faster, so...
252
00:08:34,047 --> 00:08:35,480
do me a favor--put a slider
in that and just wing it past
253
00:08:35,548 --> 00:08:36,674
her car.
254
00:08:36,750 --> 00:08:38,775
JOE: Fire it over her car.
Q: But don't hit it.
255
00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:40,183
Shoot it over the car.
256
00:08:40,253 --> 00:08:44,155
There you go.
There it is. Say what?
257
00:08:50,196 --> 00:08:51,458
[ laughter ]
258
00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:56,400
I'm gonna wipe that off
for you.
259
00:08:56,469 --> 00:08:58,027
[ laughter continues]
260
00:08:58,104 --> 00:08:59,935
SAL: Murr, you act
like you've never used
261
00:09:00,006 --> 00:09:01,667
a cheeseburger slingshot before.
262
00:09:01,741 --> 00:09:04,505
JOE: That was some amateur-hour
nonsense right there.
263
00:09:04,577 --> 00:09:06,010
He couldn't even get it over.
264
00:09:06,079 --> 00:09:08,775
The woman's car is here.
He's like...
265
00:09:10,016 --> 00:09:11,449
You know, we do accept tips
if you...
266
00:09:11,518 --> 00:09:14,681
Tips?
You freaking threw a hamburger
267
00:09:14,754 --> 00:09:16,949
on my [bleep] window.
268
00:09:17,023 --> 00:09:18,513
[ laughter ]
269
00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:23,055
What can I get you?
270
00:09:23,129 --> 00:09:24,460
A number eight.
271
00:09:24,531 --> 00:09:27,022
While taking this order, have
a huge argument with a coworker.
272
00:09:27,100 --> 00:09:29,728
Come on, Joe.
Show these people who's boss!
273
00:09:29,803 --> 00:09:32,704
Cheese or no cheese?
I'm asking him!
274
00:09:32,772 --> 00:09:34,831
MAN: Cheese, please.
275
00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:36,205
So you got the one combo.
276
00:09:36,276 --> 00:09:38,710
Because I said so, Raul!
277
00:09:38,778 --> 00:09:40,211
[ laughter ]
278
00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:43,044
MURR: Come on, Joe.
Raul's getting out of line.
279
00:09:43,116 --> 00:09:44,640
If you would've been on time,
I wouldn't have had
280
00:09:44,717 --> 00:09:46,309
to cover your shift!
281
00:09:46,386 --> 00:09:47,751
[ laughter ]
282
00:09:47,821 --> 00:09:49,550
JOE: Was that a Diet Coke? Raul!
283
00:09:49,622 --> 00:09:51,453
MAN: Yes. Two Diet Cokes.
284
00:09:51,524 --> 00:09:56,518
So it's two Diet Cokes. No l--
Gonna put that mop down, my man!
285
00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:58,188
[ laughter ]
286
00:09:58,264 --> 00:10:00,255
JOE: I'm sorry about that.
You had the 20 ring,
287
00:10:00,333 --> 00:10:01,493
and then the sack full--
288
00:10:01,568 --> 00:10:03,229
Raul, are you gonna start
it up now?!
289
00:10:03,303 --> 00:10:04,395
[ laughter ]
290
00:10:04,471 --> 00:10:06,063
All right.
So then the two Diet Cokes.
291
00:10:06,139 --> 00:10:09,233
We got two--Raul, drop the mop,
and it's gonna get real in here!
292
00:10:09,309 --> 00:10:11,436
MAN: And two xanax for you.
293
00:10:11,511 --> 00:10:13,911
[ laughter ]
294
00:10:13,980 --> 00:10:15,948
We are accepting gratuities
today if you guys
295
00:10:16,015 --> 00:10:17,243
are interested.
296
00:10:17,317 --> 00:10:18,875
It's been a rough day here.
297
00:10:18,952 --> 00:10:20,249
No, no, no, no, no!
298
00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:21,446
MURR: Oh, come on!
No, no, no!
299
00:10:21,521 --> 00:10:23,716
SAL: That's like
multiple dollars! Aw!
300
00:10:23,790 --> 00:10:24,916
JOE: Thank you so much.
301
00:10:24,991 --> 00:10:26,788
[Bleep]! See that, Raul?!
302
00:10:26,860 --> 00:10:28,794
MURR: Oh! Son of a...
303
00:10:33,099 --> 00:10:36,091
Welcome to White Castle.
What can I get you, mustache?
304
00:10:36,169 --> 00:10:37,431
[ laughter ]
305
00:10:37,504 --> 00:10:38,596
Sorry, mustache.
306
00:10:38,671 --> 00:10:40,536
MAN: Don't call me mustache.
307
00:10:41,774 --> 00:10:42,866
Q: All right, mustache.
308
00:10:42,942 --> 00:10:44,409
Don't call me clown
is all I'm saying.
309
00:10:44,477 --> 00:10:45,842
Do it! Do it! Go ahead.
310
00:10:47,147 --> 00:10:49,445
Welcome to White Castle.
What can I get you, mustache?
311
00:10:49,516 --> 00:10:52,212
MAN: Can I get two originals,
two regulars?
312
00:10:52,285 --> 00:10:53,650
MURR: Keep calling him mustache,
buddy.
313
00:10:56,523 --> 00:10:57,922
SAL: Anything to drink,
mustache?
314
00:10:57,991 --> 00:10:59,322
MAN: No.
315
00:10:59,392 --> 00:11:00,484
SAL: Any fries or
side, mustache?
316
00:11:00,560 --> 00:11:02,027
MAN: No. No.
SAL: All right.
317
00:11:02,095 --> 00:11:03,824
Any mustache, mustache?
318
00:11:03,897 --> 00:11:04,989
[ laughter ]
319
00:11:05,064 --> 00:11:06,395
No, that's it, man.
320
00:11:06,466 --> 00:11:08,457
All right. $2.69.
Take it around, mustache.
321
00:11:08,535 --> 00:11:10,400
[ laughter ]
322
00:11:10,470 --> 00:11:12,904
Sal, when he comes out,
pet his mustache!
323
00:11:12,972 --> 00:11:14,200
[ laughter ]
324
00:11:14,274 --> 00:11:15,571
[ applause ]
325
00:11:17,844 --> 00:11:19,471
Come on, guys.
I'm nervous here.
326
00:11:19,546 --> 00:11:21,207
JOE: You touch his mustache!
327
00:11:25,351 --> 00:11:27,148
[machine beeps]
328
00:11:27,220 --> 00:11:31,054
SAL: OK, this here is...
that's the order.
329
00:11:31,124 --> 00:11:33,615
And then I was gonna
just try and, uh...
330
00:11:33,693 --> 00:11:35,126
MAN: Huh?
331
00:11:35,195 --> 00:11:36,628
[ laughter ]
332
00:11:36,696 --> 00:11:37,788
I was just gonna try and get
a little touch--the mustache.
333
00:11:37,864 --> 00:11:38,990
MAN: The mustache?
SAL: Yeah. Ha ha.
334
00:11:39,065 --> 00:11:40,965
MAN: Really?
SAL: Just a touch.
335
00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:42,228
Just one touch.
336
00:11:42,302 --> 00:11:43,564
[ laughter ]
337
00:11:43,636 --> 00:11:45,501
That's all I wanted.
it'll make my day.
338
00:11:45,572 --> 00:11:48,063
Q: He's on the fence! No way.
339
00:11:50,276 --> 00:11:51,538
Q: Ah!
340
00:11:51,611 --> 00:11:52,771
It would make my day.
341
00:11:58,551 --> 00:11:59,643
[ all cheering ]
342
00:11:59,719 --> 00:12:02,552
Thank you, sir.
We are accepting tips.
343
00:12:04,490 --> 00:12:05,582
Thank you so much.
344
00:12:05,658 --> 00:12:07,023
All: Oh!
345
00:12:07,093 --> 00:12:08,685
JOE: Come on, man!
346
00:12:08,761 --> 00:12:10,456
SAL: Thank you, bud.
Have a great day.
347
00:12:10,530 --> 00:12:13,863
So, Sal, I heard it was
"bring your cat to work" day.
348
00:12:13,933 --> 00:12:15,025
SAL: Yeah, OK.
349
00:12:15,101 --> 00:12:16,466
[ laughter ]
350
00:12:16,536 --> 00:12:18,868
Q: So to mess with Sal today,
I brought a cat to work.
351
00:12:18,938 --> 00:12:20,565
You know that Sal hates cats.
352
00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:22,198
JOE: Hates them with a passion.
MURR: He's fearful of them.
353
00:12:24,077 --> 00:12:25,374
What the [bleep] is that?
354
00:12:25,445 --> 00:12:26,844
[ laughter ]
355
00:12:28,114 --> 00:12:30,514
What the hell is that?!
356
00:12:30,583 --> 00:12:32,380
I'm not sure how to react!
357
00:12:32,452 --> 00:12:33,885
[ laughter ]
358
00:12:37,223 --> 00:12:40,249
Q: Get him, Benjamin!
Get him, Benjamin!
359
00:12:40,326 --> 00:12:42,157
[ laughter ]
360
00:12:42,228 --> 00:12:43,422
[ding]
361
00:12:43,496 --> 00:12:45,225
NARRATOR:
Q and Murr are in a pickle.
362
00:12:45,298 --> 00:12:46,765
They both take a loss.
363
00:12:48,368 --> 00:12:50,131
Q: Have you ever
been attacked by a cat?
364
00:12:50,203 --> 00:12:51,295
SAL: Yeah.
Q: When?
365
00:12:51,371 --> 00:12:52,838
SAL: In high school.
Q: In high school?
366
00:12:52,905 --> 00:12:54,270
So 20 years ago.
367
00:12:54,340 --> 00:12:56,467
SAL: You tell me what other
creature that you don't know
368
00:12:56,542 --> 00:12:58,407
from a hole in the wall
will walk up to you and start
369
00:12:58,478 --> 00:12:59,968
grinding against your body.
370
00:13:00,046 --> 00:13:01,570
Q: A dog.
JOE: Murray.
371
00:13:01,648 --> 00:13:03,138
[ laughter ]
372
00:13:05,818 --> 00:13:08,048
SAL: Guys, I still
want to dance!
373
00:13:08,121 --> 00:13:09,588
We're back in the park,
trying to get strangers
374
00:13:09,656 --> 00:13:10,782
to dance with us.
375
00:13:10,857 --> 00:13:12,848
M U RR: Last time we tried this,
nobody would join in,
376
00:13:12,925 --> 00:13:14,187
so we're gonna try it again!
377
00:13:14,260 --> 00:13:16,421
Q: We have to get people to
dance with us without actually
378
00:13:16,496 --> 00:13:17,758
asking them to dance with us.
379
00:13:17,830 --> 00:13:21,266
If you can't get them
to join you, you lose!
380
00:13:21,334 --> 00:13:23,393
JOE: You better stop.
You're gonna hurt yourself.
381
00:13:25,371 --> 00:13:27,532
I got this figured out,
bitches.
382
00:13:27,607 --> 00:13:28,767
MURR: Oh, yeah?
383
00:13:28,841 --> 00:13:30,274
JOE: Yeah, I'm down
by the fountain where we were
384
00:13:30,343 --> 00:13:31,435
supposed to rehearse.
385
00:13:31,511 --> 00:13:32,808
MURR: Oh.
386
00:13:32,879 --> 00:13:34,176
ALL: Ah!
387
00:13:34,247 --> 00:13:35,339
Yeah. Well,
the big show is tonight.
388
00:13:35,415 --> 00:13:36,609
Why aren't you coming?
389
00:13:36,683 --> 00:13:39,243
Q: Oh. The big show
with moves like that.
390
00:13:39,319 --> 00:13:40,411
I've almost got it.
391
00:13:40,486 --> 00:13:41,953
I just can't remember
the last step.
392
00:13:42,021 --> 00:13:43,283
MURR: This is
an interesting approach.
393
00:13:43,356 --> 00:13:45,187
He's setting the tone
that he's dancing already.
394
00:13:45,258 --> 00:13:46,589
Q: He's making it normal.
395
00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:48,058
JOE: What am I gonna do now?
How am I gonna practice?
396
00:13:48,127 --> 00:13:49,355
All right.
Well, don't worry. I'll make do.
397
00:13:49,429 --> 00:13:52,023
[ laughter ]
398
00:13:52,098 --> 00:13:53,622
[dance music plays
on soundtrack]
399
00:13:56,703 --> 00:13:59,001
MURR: He's trying to remember
the moves.
400
00:13:59,072 --> 00:14:00,266
SAL: He's high-stepping
around the block.
401
00:14:00,340 --> 00:14:01,500
Q: He just looks like a loon.
402
00:14:01,574 --> 00:14:03,405
JOE: I don't know
if you overheard me.
403
00:14:03,476 --> 00:14:06,138
I almost have the whole step
down. We have a show tonight.
404
00:14:06,212 --> 00:14:08,806
And this is the last
part I'm missing.
405
00:14:08,881 --> 00:14:11,315
I know it's you spin out,
but it's kind of hard to do it
406
00:14:11,384 --> 00:14:12,715
without a partner.
407
00:14:12,785 --> 00:14:14,150
[ laughter ]
408
00:14:14,220 --> 00:14:16,780
I wish there was a way
to solve this problem.
409
00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:18,653
[ laughter ]
410
00:14:18,725 --> 00:14:20,022
If anybody was--
SAL: I don't know.
411
00:14:20,093 --> 00:14:22,653
JOE: You know what? He's
not asking directly, though.
412
00:14:22,729 --> 00:14:24,196
He hasn't violated a rule yet.
413
00:14:24,263 --> 00:14:25,924
It's real quick.
It's just a...
414
00:14:25,998 --> 00:14:28,091
It's a little--and then--
415
00:14:28,167 --> 00:14:30,658
there's a spin thing
and then a dip.
416
00:14:30,737 --> 00:14:32,568
I want to do a little dipski
on the fashank.
417
00:14:32,638 --> 00:14:34,299
[ laughter ]
418
00:14:34,374 --> 00:14:35,671
It's a little bit of a sashay.
419
00:14:35,742 --> 00:14:37,039
We do a little of this
at the end.
420
00:14:37,110 --> 00:14:39,578
You guys don't dance?
You guys don't feel the rhythm?
421
00:14:39,645 --> 00:14:42,341
WOMAN: No.
JOE: That's a "no."
422
00:14:42,415 --> 00:14:44,144
Bad news. I'm not gonna
make it to Broadway.
423
00:14:44,217 --> 00:14:45,616
MURR: Yeah. No kidding.
424
00:14:45,685 --> 00:14:47,516
[ laughter ]
425
00:14:47,587 --> 00:14:50,852
I have so much confidence
in my moves.
426
00:14:50,923 --> 00:14:53,687
I feel like you can't
watch it and not join in.
427
00:14:53,760 --> 00:14:55,318
JOE: So it's like osmosis?
428
00:14:55,395 --> 00:14:56,862
I'm gonna lay it out for them.
429
00:14:56,929 --> 00:14:58,226
Q: Oh, all right.
430
00:14:58,297 --> 00:14:59,389
MURR: Here he goes.
431
00:15:01,367 --> 00:15:03,028
Guys. All right?
432
00:15:03,102 --> 00:15:04,194
Q: Here he goes.
433
00:15:04,270 --> 00:15:05,362
[dance music plays on
soundtrack ]
434
00:15:05,438 --> 00:15:07,565
[ laughter ]
435
00:15:10,576 --> 00:15:11,770
WOMAN: Whoo!
436
00:15:11,844 --> 00:15:13,106
JOE: Oh, they're clapping.
A clap isn't a dance.
437
00:15:13,179 --> 00:15:14,612
Q: Clapping is not dancing.
438
00:15:14,680 --> 00:15:16,113
SAL: If it inspires you, do it.
439
00:15:19,051 --> 00:15:20,643
JOE: Sal's gonna collapse
from exhaustion.
440
00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:21,812
MURR: Ah!
441
00:15:23,356 --> 00:15:25,017
SAL: You're feeling it.
If you're feeling it.
442
00:15:25,091 --> 00:15:27,218
JOE: He might get them!
He might get them!
443
00:15:27,293 --> 00:15:29,727
They might be inspired!
444
00:15:29,796 --> 00:15:31,957
GUYS: Oh!
445
00:15:32,031 --> 00:15:33,896
JOE: Come on!
446
00:15:33,966 --> 00:15:35,297
No! No! Oh, man!
447
00:15:35,368 --> 00:15:36,528
SAL: Thank you so much.
448
00:15:36,602 --> 00:15:38,001
JOE: Come on, dude!
449
00:15:38,070 --> 00:15:41,062
That's how...you do it.
450
00:15:41,140 --> 00:15:42,630
[ding]
451
00:15:42,708 --> 00:15:47,008
JOE: All right. Here he goes.
He's sizing up. He's sizing up.
452
00:15:47,079 --> 00:15:49,809
Guys, do you know where
the Empire State building is?
453
00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:52,444
[Guys laughing]
454
00:15:52,518 --> 00:15:53,678
I thought the Empire State
building was that way, but I
455
00:15:53,753 --> 00:15:54,845
think it's this way.
456
00:15:54,921 --> 00:15:56,286
Do you know?
457
00:15:56,355 --> 00:15:58,323
Q: Is that even a dance
or a gallop?
458
00:15:58,391 --> 00:15:59,483
Like, I feel he's galloping.
459
00:15:59,559 --> 00:16:00,651
MURR: I've been trying
to find it all day,
460
00:16:00,726 --> 00:16:02,250
and I can't seem to get it.
461
00:16:02,328 --> 00:16:04,626
Q: Now it's a dance.
JOE: Now it's a dance.
462
00:16:04,697 --> 00:16:07,029
I'm not really sure which way
is north and which is south.
463
00:16:07,099 --> 00:16:08,191
What do you think?
464
00:16:09,502 --> 00:16:11,094
MURR: No, no.
That's up and down.
465
00:16:11,170 --> 00:16:12,432
I'm looking
for the Empire State building.
466
00:16:12,505 --> 00:16:14,132
Any ideas?
467
00:16:17,143 --> 00:16:18,337
[Guys laughing]
468
00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:23,012
MURR: Any ideas? Is it this way?
Or is it this way?
469
00:16:23,082 --> 00:16:25,277
Q: I will say this for him--
every time I think he can't
470
00:16:25,351 --> 00:16:28,980
get any weirder, he figures
out a way to get weirder.
471
00:16:29,055 --> 00:16:30,613
Can any of you help me?
Anyone?
472
00:16:30,690 --> 00:16:32,521
Help me find it together.
473
00:16:32,592 --> 00:16:34,321
MURR: You're gonna help?
474
00:16:34,393 --> 00:16:35,587
O: No! He's doing it!
475
00:16:35,661 --> 00:16:36,753
JOE: Oh! Come on!
476
00:16:36,829 --> 00:16:39,229
MURR: That's it! Yeah!
477
00:16:39,298 --> 00:16:40,526
[ding!]
478
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:43,364
JOE: OK. So here
goes the king of dance.
479
00:16:43,436 --> 00:16:45,131
SAL: Yeah. If you recall
what happened last time...
480
00:16:45,204 --> 00:16:47,001
MURR: You know what?
He cheated last time.
481
00:16:47,073 --> 00:16:48,802
Guys, remember,
I only cheated last time
482
00:16:48,875 --> 00:16:50,035
'cause I didn't think
I'd get caught.
483
00:16:50,109 --> 00:16:51,371
JOE: That's true.
484
00:16:51,444 --> 00:16:52,775
Q: Now you guys are on to it.
485
00:16:52,845 --> 00:16:53,937
JOE: It's a whole
different ball game.
486
00:16:54,013 --> 00:16:56,038
You know the hokey-pokey?
487
00:16:56,115 --> 00:16:57,810
MURR: You can't do that!
You can't ask him.
488
00:16:57,884 --> 00:16:58,976
JOE:
You can't talk about dancing!
489
00:16:59,051 --> 00:17:00,348
Can I see you do it?
490
00:17:00,419 --> 00:17:01,579
MURR: You can't say,
"Let me see"!
491
00:17:01,654 --> 00:17:02,985
O: Come on. Get up.
Do the hokey-pokey.
492
00:17:03,055 --> 00:17:04,784
Let me show you.
493
00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:06,256
Come on. What?
494
00:17:06,325 --> 00:17:07,758
MURR: That's it! Disqualified!
495
00:17:07,827 --> 00:17:09,988
[ laughter ]
496
00:17:10,062 --> 00:17:11,927
NARRATOR: Q doesn't
have any moves,
497
00:17:11,998 --> 00:17:14,489
making him tonight's
big loser.
498
00:17:14,567 --> 00:17:16,660
SAL: All right.
Q is the big loser, and now
499
00:17:16,736 --> 00:17:18,169
it's time
for his punishment.
500
00:17:18,237 --> 00:17:19,329
JOE: You are normally not shy
501
00:17:19,405 --> 00:17:20,599
when it comes
to talking about sex...
502
00:17:20,673 --> 00:17:22,004
until now.
503
00:17:22,074 --> 00:17:24,668
MURR: That's because behind
that door is a packed classroom
504
00:17:24,744 --> 00:17:26,439
full of sixth graders,
waiting for you to give them
505
00:17:26,512 --> 00:17:27,877
the "birds and the bees" talk.
506
00:17:27,947 --> 00:17:30,074
SAL: We've created
a sex-education slide show
507
00:17:30,149 --> 00:17:32,014
for you to help you
get your points across.
508
00:17:32,084 --> 00:17:33,517
JOE: So you got to go
in there and tell them
509
00:17:33,586 --> 00:17:35,816
what to put where,
and everybody will be all right.
510
00:17:35,888 --> 00:17:37,583
I don't know if this is
a good idea.
511
00:17:37,657 --> 00:17:39,522
[ laughter ]
512
00:17:39,592 --> 00:17:42,026
MURR: So what Q doesn't know is
that we've secretly taken out
513
00:17:42,094 --> 00:17:44,961
all the sixth graders and
replaced them with his parents.
514
00:17:45,031 --> 00:17:46,623
SAL: Yes. Yes, we did.
515
00:17:46,699 --> 00:17:48,360
JOE: Mama and papa Q are gonna
find out what it's like to make
516
00:17:48,434 --> 00:17:52,336
a kid again from their kid.
517
00:17:52,405 --> 00:17:53,531
SAL: My God, this is amazing.
518
00:17:53,606 --> 00:17:55,699
This is, like,
the greatest day of my life.
519
00:18:01,547 --> 00:18:03,310
[ laughter ]
520
00:18:07,186 --> 00:18:11,213
Oh. OK. Ha ha.
521
00:18:11,290 --> 00:18:12,484
[applause in adjacent room ]
522
00:18:12,558 --> 00:18:17,154
Oh, wow. That's--that's
what we're doing?
523
00:18:17,229 --> 00:18:19,094
[clears throat]
524
00:18:19,165 --> 00:18:21,929
Mom and Dad.
MOM: Hi, Brian.
525
00:18:22,001 --> 00:18:23,468
Uh, apparently, today I will be
teaching you
526
00:18:23,536 --> 00:18:24,935
about the birds and the bees.
527
00:18:25,004 --> 00:18:27,734
I'll look at Dad
the entire time. Nope.
528
00:18:27,807 --> 00:18:29,240
I'm just looking at you, Pop.
529
00:18:29,308 --> 00:18:30,741
Gonna pretend Mom is
not even here.
530
00:18:30,810 --> 00:18:32,038
OK.
531
00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:33,237
[clears throat]
532
00:18:33,312 --> 00:18:34,574
Well...
533
00:18:34,647 --> 00:18:35,739
that's the male.
534
00:18:35,815 --> 00:18:36,907
[ laughter in adjacent room ]
535
00:18:36,983 --> 00:18:39,975
Uh, it's--that's what a male
looks like.
536
00:18:40,052 --> 00:18:44,489
That's where I'm gonna punch my
friends--right there.
537
00:18:44,557 --> 00:18:45,649
[ laughter ]
538
00:18:45,725 --> 00:18:48,125
Ahem. OK. Just moving along.
539
00:18:48,194 --> 00:18:49,957
[ Q chuckles ]
540
00:18:50,029 --> 00:18:51,428
OK.
541
00:18:51,497 --> 00:18:53,727
JOE: That's a picture
of his parents' bedroom.
542
00:18:53,799 --> 00:18:56,563
Right.
This is where I was conceived.
543
00:18:56,636 --> 00:18:58,297
I thought
I was conceived in Brooklyn.
544
00:18:58,371 --> 00:18:59,736
MOM: Same bedroom set, bud.
545
00:18:59,805 --> 00:19:01,670
[ laughter ]
546
00:19:01,741 --> 00:19:04,107
Same bedroom set. OK,
so that's--that right there is
547
00:19:04,176 --> 00:19:06,440
where the magic created me.
548
00:19:06,512 --> 00:19:07,672
DAD: More or less. Yeah.
549
00:19:07,747 --> 00:19:10,682
God, I'm sweating.
OK. Moving along.
550
00:19:14,420 --> 00:19:15,853
MOM: Oh, this
should be interesting.
551
00:19:15,921 --> 00:19:17,115
[ laughter ]
552
00:19:17,189 --> 00:19:19,123
Q: Uh, remember Locust Lake?
553
00:19:19,191 --> 00:19:20,658
Remember we went there
on vacation?
554
00:19:20,726 --> 00:19:22,091
MOM: Don't tell me.
555
00:19:22,161 --> 00:19:24,391
And there was that nice girl
Jen that kind of lived across--
556
00:19:24,463 --> 00:19:26,090
Jen lived across
and up the road.
557
00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:31,193
Took me into the house
and, uh, and...you know...
558
00:19:31,270 --> 00:19:32,760
MOM: You didn't.
559
00:19:32,838 --> 00:19:36,899
Anyway, so that happened.
Let's move this along.
560
00:19:36,976 --> 00:19:38,307
JOE: Come on, Q. Open it.
561
00:19:38,377 --> 00:19:39,935
Ma, I need you
to close your eyes for this.
562
00:19:40,012 --> 00:19:41,536
Could you close
your eyes for this?
563
00:19:41,614 --> 00:19:44,105
[ chuckles ]
564
00:19:44,183 --> 00:19:45,775
Yeah.
565
00:19:45,851 --> 00:19:47,443
What's in the box?
566
00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:49,988
Q: So, um...
567
00:19:50,056 --> 00:19:52,650
there's a doughnut, OK?
568
00:19:52,725 --> 00:19:54,386
And there's a hot dog.
569
00:19:54,460 --> 00:19:55,984
All right. So...
570
00:19:56,062 --> 00:19:57,495
[ laughter in adjacent room ]
571
00:20:01,233 --> 00:20:02,530
[applause in adjacent room ]
572
00:20:08,474 --> 00:20:09,839
You getting how that works?
573
00:20:09,909 --> 00:20:12,673
Uh, sometimes two women
will be attracted to each other.
574
00:20:12,745 --> 00:20:15,373
[ laughter in adjacent room ]
575
00:20:18,184 --> 00:20:19,412
Q: Thank you guys very much.
576
00:20:19,485 --> 00:20:21,510
Um, I hope you learned
something new.
577
00:20:21,587 --> 00:20:23,282
And just keep bail money around,
because I'm gonna go
578
00:20:23,355 --> 00:20:25,653
in the next room
and kill my friends, OK?
579
00:20:25,725 --> 00:20:26,953
Thank you. I'll be right back.
580
00:20:27,026 --> 00:20:28,118
WOMAN: There you go, Bri.
581
00:20:28,194 --> 00:20:30,185
Q: Excuse me.
38275
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