Original subtitles

NARRATOR: Coming up, the guys make Murr rub one out

at the comic- book shop.

JOE: How do you Eskimo kiss a stranger?

There's no way.

MURR: Hey, man. Thank you so much.

NARRATOR: Sal slips up at the grocery store.

JOE: Hurry up, Sal. You're not gonna make it.

[ Laughter ]

Q: Hands up, bro. Come on.

NARRATOR: Q loses it in public.

Q: And we're not gonna take it anymore!

NARRATOR: Plus, tonight's big loser has a major art attack.

[ Laughter ]

It's a beautiful day in the park,

and romance is in the air.

And we're gonna have to walk up to strangers

and convince them to hold our hand.

Whoever can't get a stranger to hold their hand loses.

So we're gonna either get punched or fall in love.

[ Laughter ]

[ Record scratches ]

- Oh, my God. - Is he scared, or is he- -

- I think he's scared. - No, he's terrified.

- He's something. - I'm gonna be fine.

Q: You're gonna get maced.

JOE: Old dude and a dog? There you go.

- Do you mind? - No, not at all.

- Look at this guy. - Ha ha ha!

JOE: I wouldn't let Murr touch me, either.

[ Laughter ]

MURR: Can we hold the leash together?

MURR: It seems like you've been trained

to defend and attack, too.

He has a dog trained to defend and attack, and that was a...

- Cocker spaniel. - Cocker spaniel?

[ Dog growls ]

SAL: Here he goes.

I hope Murray literally gets put in a full Nelson.

I just broke up with my girlfriend.

I told her I was gay. Do me a solid.

Yeah?

Q: No way!

JOE: Come on, no way. I can't believe this!

MURR: Dude, seriously.

Dude, keep it going, man. She's right back there.

SAL: This guy's buying the gay routine?

MURR: Thanks, man. Now kiss me as hard as you can.

[ Laughter ]

[ Bell dings]

JOE: Gentlemen, I know what you're thinking- -

"Interesting choice on the lavender top, Joe."

- Ha ha ha! - But wait.

It's part of the game play. Watch and learn, fellas.

Q: Oh, there he goes.

No way.

This man has no fear.

SAL: Ha ha ha! What was that?

JOE: So nice, right? Just walking in the park.

Q: Ha ha! How is he doing this?

SAL: I can't take it.

JOE: Where you girls from?

Yeah? Nice.

Are you kidding me right now?

JOE: Where are we going?

Where are we on our way to?

This way?

Is it the feminine, purple shirt

that's making you seem completely- -

JOE: I'm telling you, it's purple.

I'm non- threatening.

[ Bell dings]

SAL: OK, guys, I'm actually nervous, actually.

JOE: You should be. There you go- - red shirt.

SAL: Oh, God. Jesus.

Q: He just picked his nose.

SAL: Oh, gross. Nope. Not doing it.

[ Laughter ]

Here he goes. He's got one.

MURR: That's not gonna go well.

SAL: Sorry. I didn't know if you wanted to hold- -

you may want to hold.

Oh, he's taken?

MURR: Sal's 0- for- 2.

When you wear a black T- shirt, you're not giving off

the lavender glow of love, like myself.

Oh, it's not the shirt, Joe. It's not the shirt.

Sal, your technique sucks. Get in there and grab a hand.

Man up!

Q: Yeah, and that's when you get punched.

- The jogging guy. - Here he goes.

[ Laughter ]

What the hell? This ain't patty- cake. That doesn't count.

JOE: You're supposed to try to hold hands.

[ Laughter ]

MURR: That was a colossal failure.

[ Buzzer ]

JOE: Q, admittedly, this isn't a good bit for you

'cause you have to actually not only interact with people,

but hold their hand.

Don't worry about me. I got a plan.

JOE: OK. I'll believe it when I see it.

Hands up, bro. Come on. Give it to me.

- What is he doing? - Let's do this together.

Q: Come on! Let's do this together!

We ain't taking this no more! We're not taking this no more!

We're doing it together! Together!

MURR: Why is this guy going along with this?

Q: We're mad as hell, and we're not gonna take it anymore!

Me and this guy!

Come on. Both of us are angry.

Me and this guy!

That's right! Yes!

[ Bell dings]

NARRATOR: Sal was dealt a bad hand

and winds up on the loser board.

Q: I don't like holding hands now

walking down the street with a girl.

Like, she goes to hold your hand, and she's like,

"Hey, everybody, I'm with this guy,

"don't even try it," whereas I'm a little bit like,

"Try it. You know? Try it. You might be better than her.

"I don't know. Try it. See what you got for me."

But what about the flip side? What about if you want to be

like, "Hey, everybody, don't try it"?

Oh, well, then I do something like...

[ Laughter ]

"This is my possessive, right there.

"Don't try it. Don't try it. Don't try it. Don't try it."

SAL: We're at the legendary comic book store

Jim Hanley's Universe.

MURR: We each have a very special comic book

that's been made for us by the other guys.

JOE: The comic book contains secret actions

that we have to do while talking to other shoppers.

And we can't ask permission or explain ourselves.

Q: If you don't do what the comic book tells you to,

you lose.

JOE: Remember, Sal, you got to do all 3 actions to this guy.

- You recommend this? - Yes.

SAL: I mean, I know all about the show and everything,

but everyone keeps saying the book's way better than the show.

This guy's perfect. Page 22, buddy.

Did you think he did a good job on the first season?

- I think he did a great job. - Yeah.

MAN: I think he spent a little bit too much time.

I mean, I don't mind if...

[ Laughter ]

SAL: He had to go make the first one.

MAN: That's the good thing about the first one...

[ Laughter ]

Q: Sal, Number 39.

Your imagination's always better

'cause you're reading, but...

[ Laughter ]

the show, it just...

SAL: Oh, that's cool, man.

- As much as I like getting- - - Let me see...

[ Laughter ]

SAL: What were you saying?

As much as I like the individual...

JOE: 32.

Finish it off. You're almost there, Sal.

SAL: I don't want it to be anything that, like...

- 'Cause it's not just... - He's talking a lot.

- Yeah, yeah, he sure is. - We got to shut him down.

If you really to capture them with art and writing- -

SAL: Yeah. That's crazy.

MAN: Yeah, and the really good ones are, like, 5- -

SAL: Wow.

[ Bell dings]

[ Laughter ]

- I was- - did you see this? - Yeah.

- OK. - Ha ha ha ha!

- "I'm gonna go, bro." - "I'm gonna go, bro."

JOE: I can't believe he pulled that one off.

Oh, they do it by movie, the "Spider- mans," too?

- Yeah. - Turn to page 34.

What do you got there, buddy?

Ah, you read the "Star Trek" books?

It's a good pick, I think.

[ Laughter ]

He's like, "OK."

Number 24.

[ Laughter ]

You have a different appreciation for it, then.

He had to be, like, in his 60s, I guess, and he was like- -

you know, he's been reading it for like a long time, so he...

He's not gonna do it.

[Chanting] Pinch that nip! Pinch that nip!

Pinch that nip!

He had to be, like, in his 60s, I guess, and he was like- -

you know, he's been reading it for like a long time.

He's not gonna do it.

"The X- Men" is really where it started.

"X- Men" is where it got started for me.

Seeing the "X- Men" movies is really what turned it on.

[ Laughter ]

SAL: It's like they're both right now like,

"We know what just happened. Let's not talk about it."

- "Let's just keep going." - Page 35.

Good luck, sucker!

JOE: Oh, this is the "X- Men"... no- - oh, it was on the table.

It was on the table.

Q: It's like high school all over again, buddy- -

can't get anybody to bump crotches with you.

[ Buzzer ]

Find anything you like?

All right, Q. Page 18, bud.

Q: Oh, yeah, 'cause they're, like, fighting.

[ Laughter ]

Right.

MAN: You eventually put the thing.

MURR: 26.

JOE: Ha ha ha ha!

Good luck.

Dig your tattoos, man. Looking good.

Yeah, I got the...

- Superman. - Yeah, yeah.

Bam. What do you think of that? Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. Yeah!

[ Bell dings]

I like that.

SAL: Q, page 46, bud.

[ Laughter ]

JOE: Ah, there you go. You got to spank him.

[ Laughter ]

You guys are killing me.

This is hard to do.

SAL: There's no way he's gonna touch that guy's ass.

Q: This line, huh?

[ Whistles ] Ha ha ha!

SAL: Oh, boy.

Q: You're up, bro.

[ Laughter ]

JOE: Holy cow.

Well done.

[ Bell dings]

I, uh, I've got a sister.

And I want to try to get her something

that I think, like, a girl might like.

- All right, Murr, page 13. - What do you think?

MAN: I used to read a lot of "Spider- man."

MURR: Um...

[ Laughter ]

I don't know. That might be OK.

But, I mean, the littler characters are well done.

[ Laughter ]

MURR: I don't know if any of these are- -

Q: Murr, page 21, buddy.

MURR: You know, so...

[ Laughter ]

If you were to name, like, the top 3 comics that you like,

I would give this to my sister. I would totally give it to her.

Like, she would totally be OK with it.

She would totally be OK with it. She would totally be OK with it.

- Yeah. - What would you do?

JOE: Page 43, Murr.

[ Laughter ]

JOE: There's no way. How do you Eskimo kiss a stranger?

Hey, man, you've been great. Thank you so much. Thank you.

Q: Oh! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Murray took it to another level just now.

JOE: The guy just hid from him.

The guy is hiding from you, Murray.

SAL: Murr, he just saw you and stop, drop, and rolled.

[ Laughter ]

Murray, he's- - ha ha ha!

Murray is victorious.

[ Bell dings]

NARRATOR: Joe bumps right into Sal on the loser board.

JOE: If Murray was a comic- book hero, what would his name be?

- Ferret Boy. - Ha ha ha!

I don't look like a ferret!

- He could creep undetected. - Right.

Well, that's real life, as well.

[ Laughter ]

We're at Compare Foods supermarkets,

and the race is on!

We've got to get from one end of the store to the other.

- That's so easy! - It's not easy, Q,

and I'll tell you why.

You're not allowed to move an inch

unless you're touching somebody.

SAL: And if you can't cross the finish line in 45 seconds,

you lose.

SAL: You got to be quick, Joe.

MURR: Remember, you can't move unless you're touching somebody.

You got to pivot. It's basketball rules.

One foot has to stay planted.

Q: Buddy, you got a long way to go.

SAL: You got 45 seconds, bud. Clock's ticking.

Pivot. Pivot.

[ Bell dings]

[ Laughter ]

JOE: High five.

[ Laughter ]

Every little bit counts.

How you doing? OK? Good.

You finding everything all right?

You doing all right, buddy?

Yeah. Everything cool? You finding everything all right?

Good.

[ Sal laughs ]

MURR: You got 10 seconds left, Joey.

- The closer he gets- - - Don't move!

I'm so happy you asked.

[ Bell dings]

The flank steak is the best one to do here.

Thank you for shopping Compare.

[ Bell dings]

I'll tell you right now, I'm gonna win.

I got a foolproof idea.

JOE: I can't wait till this falls flat.

Look at his face.

Look, you see his stupid thoughts on his fa- -

Ha ha! Look at him.

"No, it's gonna work and I'm gonna win

"and I'm not gonna get punished."

MURR: Oh, my God.

Are you seeing what's going on over here, by the way?

Come here. Take a look. Come here. Come here.

SAL: Oh, that's it, man. You're gonna win.

- Oh, it's cool. - Where's your big idea?

Right over- - right over here.

The craziest thing happening right over there.

- Where? - Come here. Take a look.

What's that?

- You're busy? - Yeah.

- OK. - Ha ha ha ha!

SAL: The guy looked at him like he was a tool box.

MURR: Well, that didn't work.

[ Buzzer ]

JOE: What, is he setting a booby trap?

SAL: Oops!

Yeah, I can't bend. I hurt my back, so- -

yeah, I dropped- -

ALL: Oh!

- She's kicking it towards him. - Thank you so much.

They're getting around- -

- Always a good move. - So sweet.

SAL: Thank you so much.

- Oh! Oh! - Thank you so much.

How are you? [ Bell dings ]

JOE: Ho ho ho!

Q: Hurry up, Sal. You're not gonna make it.

[ Bell dings]

I'm good.

[ Laughter ]

I'm great. I'm great.

[ Bell dings]

Hey, little girl.

There's candy down that aisle.

SAL: Oh, no. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Q: Come on. Come check it out.

Oh, my God.

God, this is so weird.

Q: Come on.

- Go! Go! Go! - Ah! This is weird!

This is so weird!

Oh, my God!

Q: Yay! [ Bell dings]

- Where are your parents?! - Oh, my God!

Q: Yay! [ Bell dings]

[ Laughter ]

NARRATOR: Murr never made it down the aisle,

making it a 3- way tie for last.

JOE: We're in the park trying to get people

to volunteer their time.

But we have no idea what we're asking them to sign up for.

M U RR: That's because we've created these

fake organizations for each other.

If you can't get the person to volunteer, you lose.

Q: Girls, 2 seconds of your time?

Excellent. I love it. Thank you.

JOE: Bam! Shut down right out of the gate.

[ Laughter ]

Q: Sir? Excuse me.

I'm collecting signatures for a volunteer foundation.

It's "Pretend to Listen to an Old Man's Bull- [bleep]."

We just need volunteers to sit and listen.

SAL: Old dude wanted no part of that.

Q: Hey, how you guys doing today?

We're just looking for volunteers

for, um... "Turtle Census 2012."

You know, we got, like, a lot of turtles around here,

turtles in the lakes and ponds, and we just need some people

to, like- - just counters to, like, wade into the lake.

So how many people do you actually get to do this?

Q: Well, so- - you guys would be the first.

Hey, listen, if you guys like turts- -

Do you guys love the turts?

WOMAN: Uh- huh.

Give me an hour of your time. Count some turts.

- OK. - Just put your name and e- mail.

Come on, man. He called them "turts."

- Thank you so much. - Q, what are you doing?

an” Turtle Census 2012 an”

[ Bell dings]

Two seconds. I got to talk to you real quick.

I'm with the volunteer squad here in New York.

So, we have a thing coming up called the "End Slavery 5K."

[ Laughter ]

So what we're looking is to get people to help

with the race to end slavery.

And we're looking for people, really, to bake croissants

for a bake sale that we do. Do you bake?

[ Laughter ]

This race is actually happening in Long Island

to end slavery in the Long Island area.

Yeah, it's amazing that there's still slavery there.

A lot of people don't.

MAN: You can take my name and e- mail.

I can take your name and e- mail? That's awesome.

- They're signing up. Are they nuts?

I really appreciate it, guys. Have a great day.

- Bye. - Tick- tock.

[ Bell dings]

Hey, can I tell you about a volunteer organization

I started by myself?

We're looking for volunteers for the organization,

and right now we're trying to get Phil laid.

It's the "Get Phil Laid Fund."

[ Laughter ]

- He needs our help. - I need help, too.

Q: This guy don't look like he's buying it.

- What's your name? - Willie G.

SAL: Willie G.?

I could start a foundation in your name.

We could do the "Get Willie G. Laid Fund."

Would you sign up to Help Willie G. Get Laid fund?

- Yeah. - Oh!

JOE: Is he signing up?

Well, there's a dude that wants to get some.

- Got it. - That's a good plan.

[ Bell dings]

Sir, do you volunteer for anything in the city?

You do? What kind of things do you volunteer for?

Q: Look how fast he's pedaling to get away from Murray.

MURR: Are you interested in volunteering for anything?

No?

Excuse me. Hi.

Yeah, I don't know if you do any volunteering,

but I'm just trying to get people to volunteer.

It's a great cause.

It's the "Help a Kid Shut Up For Once Bake Sale," which is- -

WOMAN: It doesn't sound good.

Well, you know how there are some kids

that just yap and yap and yap and yap?

Well, actually, I work with kids, so I don't- -

MURR: You work with kids? So you know

that they don't shut the "f" up.

WOMAN: Yeah, but grownups don't ever

shut the [bleep] up, either.

[ Laughter ]

MURR: So, do you want to sign up for it or- -

- No, no. - Oh, no dice.

[ Buzzer ]

NARRATOR: Murr is the only nonprofit in that one,

and that makes him tonight's big loser.

All right, we're here to punish Murr!

JOE: Ha ha ha! They say that life imitates art.

Q: Well, today Murr is gonna be imitating someone

that knows something about art.

SAL: Inside this gallery is a roomful of art enthusiasts.

Let's see how you do explaining the sculptures we made for you.

- Sculptures? - Sculptures.

Beautiful sculptures.

MURR: I know nothing about sculpting.

[ indistinct conversations]

MAN: Ladies and gentlemen,

James Murray.

[ Applause ]

Hi, everybody. My name is James Murray.

I am the sculptor today,

and I'm very proud to have my exhibit shown.

Let's take a look at the first piece.

[ Laughter ]

MAN: What the [bleep]?

SAL: Look at him get- -

MURR: So, what does this mean?

And the answer is quite simple.

[ Laughter ]

Love...

Can we put a clock on love?

Can you tell the heart not to love for another 31 days,

5 hours, 10 minutes, and one second?

If you don't want to be arrested. Very true.

[ Laughter ]

Let's take a look at the next piece of art.

SAL: Oh, wait.

[ Laughter ]

JOE: This is a real blanket he still sleeps with

that I stole from the apartment.

MURR: That is my real blankie.

[ Laughter ]

inside all of us is a burning flame.

So that's what it comes down to, is that

when life gives you lemons, don't blow out the flame.

And that's what it really comes down to.

It's hot. I'm sweating.

Let's take a look at the next piece.

We've been waiting for this moment...

Q: I think since I was born.

JOE: Do you realize what's gonna happen

when this curtain gets revealed right now?

[ Laughter ]

MURR: The, uh, uh, um...

[ Laughter ]

- He's got nothing. - Nothing.

So, this is a mu- - this is a muscular,

uh, glistening black man.

How did I sculpt him?

The glaze...

[ Laughter ]

on the back over here- -

let me adjust the sculpture a little bit.

OK, I'll just leave him.

JOE: Murray couldn't move that guy for $40 million.

MURR: As you can see, he's got quite defined pectoral muscles.

[ Laughter ]

MURR: So what does all this mean?

MURR: Well, that's my last one, anyway.

[ Laughter ]

I apologize if I've come across not as eloquent as I had hoped.

Anyways.