All language subtitles for Hercules.Returns.1993.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

So, that's it, gentlemen and ladies.

Once again, we've acquired the best
films, and we'll show them in the best

theatres.

This will be a great summer for Kent
Cinemas.

The increased ticket prices, the 25 %
hiking concessions, we're looking at a

-fold profit leap.

I have devoted my life to making the
Kent Cinema Corporation the most

chain in the country.

You could say that I've spent a lifetime
pulling this chain together.

Thank you.

You haven't seen it? Man, I don't
believe it. What about Kirk Douglas in

Birdman of Alcatraz? There's a brilliant
example of American film... Burt

Lancaster.

Excuse me?

It was Burt Lancaster in The Birdman
from Alcatraz, not Kirk Douglas.

Oh, just some wanker.

Now, what was I saying?

The Kent 30, culmination of years of
planning.

Fully automatic candy counters, ticket
dispensers. The only staff needed are a

couple of usherettes and one
projectionist.

Stuff the unions, they're not going to
stop us on this one.

We've moved the seats closer together to
fit more people in.

It'll be a bit tight, but that's
showbiz.

And if you could eliminate the public,
you'd have the perfect cinema complex.

There'll be a cocktail bar.

Sir. McBain.

A new strategy for summer?

You could say that, sir.

Is this some kind of joke?

No, sir.

What do you mean you quit?

You're a valuable member of the team.

I pay you well, don't I?

It's just that I'm not happy here, sir.

Not happy.

Bullshit!

We're all happy. You're happy, aren't
you, Rappaport?

You're working for the biggest
distribution company in the country,

could you possibly do somewhere else?

This is fascinating, sir.

I'm going to open my own theatre.

What? I'm going to reopen the old
Picture Palace.

We've got an eight -screen multiplex
just around the corner, McBain. I don't

like competition.

I squash it.

You're going to fail, son.

Not because you haven't got what it
takes, but because I'll personally see

you fail. Now, get out!

I've never liked you, McBain.

You're a maverick.

You're an idealist.

And you're fired!

But I resigned.

I am the biggest and the best, and I
intend to stay that way.

Any chance for reference?

No.

Excuse me, mate.

Do you know a guy named Sprocket?

I don't know a man called Horse and a
boy named Sue.

Yeah, good on you. Look, he's a tall
guy.

Wears glasses. He can be a bit
temperamental.

You're not listening to me. Hey, mate.

Now, I'll ask you just one more time.

Do you agree that Martin Scorsese
injects some autobiographical content

majority of his films?

You're a class act, Sprocket. I can.

Oh, Brad McClane, you old bat!

Two more beer sacks, Nev.

How are you? Good, I'm dead.

Still peddling mainstream muck to the
masses, son? Yeah.

Are you still head projectionist at the
Thrust and Grunt Emporium? If you mean

am I showing tasteful erotica to a
select adult clientele, the answer is

select adult clientele? They buy their
raincoats at a candy bar.

I didn't have any bloody choice in the
matter, you know that.

Kent controls this town.

If you disagree with him, you're out.

I quit this morning.

You're joking.

No, I resigned for Nita.

Well, what are you going to do now?

The old picture palace, eh?

This place has been dark for years.

Not anymore, mate. You're looking at the
new manager.

You?

You couldn't organise a fart at a curry
eating contest.

Right. Thanks for your support, my
optimistic old mate.

Come on.

Imagine what this place could be like
when we fix it up.

So I suppose this is where you try and
lure me away from my prestigious

to come and work for you. Correct.

Well, have to be a lucrative offer.

All right, I'll pay your shit wages and
you can live in the theatre.

Done. You drive a hard bargain.

Great little upstart.

Say yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

Listen, King. Yes, sir.

I'll wait till I'm finished.

Yes, sir.

I want you to find out all about McBain
for me.

What films he's programming.

Talk to his distributors.

That sort of thing.

Thinks he can go into competition with
me, does he?

We'll see about that.

Now, sir?

Yeah, now.

Yes, sir.

Well, get out.

Yes, sir.

Miss McKenzie, I find myself in a
particularly foul mood. Send somebody

can fire.

Yes, sir.

This horse is about to laugh.

Sir, how do you like the accommodation?

Well, there's no ventilation, it's
cramped, it's dark. I love it.

It's about your wages. The position
isn't permanent, but once the place is

and running... And sowing some profit,
you'll get most of it off the top and

still pay me shit wages?

Here, here it is.

Be still, my raging hormones. Who is
this?

If there's a God in heaven, she's come
about the job as the publicist.

She's tired.

Sorry to trouble you, but haven't we
met?

I don't think so.

Shit. I'm sure I remember those two.

Watch out.

Here comes my husband.

Classy joint.

I thought you were going to punch him
for a minute.

Cheers to a long and happy relationship
at the Picture Palace.

Can I ask you a question?

Yeah, sure.

You sure you know what you're doing?

No.

But I'm going to run the old Picture
Palace like the old days. You know,

usherettes selling ice creams in the
aisles.

Cartoons. Maybe even get the old organ
going.

Make it an event again.

Well, it sounds great.

Open at night.

Have you got any ideas?

Well, I was looking at the old posters
outside the theatre.

Why don't we open up with the last film
that was on at the Picture Palace?

It's a great gimmick, and it certainly
shows people that you're willing to

to the old ways. That's great.

That's really great.

I wonder what the last film was.

This is fantastic.

Congratulations. What a great turn. Have
we got enough champagne?

Brad, relax.

Everything's organised.

Sure, you sure?

Good luck, Lisa. Good luck, Brad.

Why is everybody smiling at me? Have I
got something on my teeth?

Oh, look, enjoy yourself. This is your
night.

Lady Farquhar. Say hello to Lady
Farquhar.

Brad!

Brad!

Charming.

Good luck.

It's in Italian.

What? The film, it's in Italian.

It's in Italian?

What are we going to do? We've got to
show them something.

We can't postpone it. I've got a few
slides.

I've got a documentary on tulips.

Right, that'll be great.

It's that bastard.

He can't.

He's behind this for sure.

Brad, what are we going to do?

We'll dub it.

What? We'll dub it. We'll do the voices.

Come on.

Come on. Dub it.

forward of this. Me too. I love movies
with musclemen in them.

Damn, I so struggled to print.

Who the hell is this for?

Uh, Thunder.

We haven't even seen.

Thunder! Print the bastard!

You take the print, we are going to show
Hercules, aren't we?

Guys, guys, we've got a show to do. Of
course I checked it. I saw it myself.

That's brilliant.

I'm finishing.

I decide to take this opportunity to
thank... What?

What?

Oh, Zeus.

Madre mia.

We're not doing the Italian version,
remember?

Now say it again, this time in English,
all right?

Oh, good shot.

I was aiming for you.

Now, Frank, I'm interested to have a
very important job for you, which

you to go on a long journey. I'm on my
way.

Oh, great one.

I haven't told you where yet, pinhead.

Father. I am but mere mortal.

I am nothing but the toe jam from
between your mighty feet.

Am I worthy to fulfill this important
task for you?

Well, I tried, Schwarzenegger, but I
couldn't understand the bugger. Look, go

the city of Tamedia and I'll talk to you
there.

This journey will give me the chance to
grow, the chance to learn, and, well,

the chance to beat the living snot out
of other muscle men.

Hathaway!

and tell him he's going the wrong way.

Well, I met this bloke at the pub the
other night, right, and he's an art

collector. And you know what he says to
me? He says, would I like to go to his

place and see his Warhol?

Well, it was kind of disappointing
because when I got there, he just showed

painting.

What the hell is she on about?

I got for a swim.

That'd be grand.

This looks like a job for Hercules.

Don't worry, darling. I'll be there in a
second.

See? I told you.

Here's a good thing. Don't struggle. I'm
here to save you.

Hold on. I said don't struggle.

Oh, black undies. Oh, yeah,

I'd forgotten about her.

Chlamydia? Yeah, chlamydia.

It's just north of here.

North, north. Now, which way's north?

So, laddier, your mother runs a
nightclub. Tell me, is it far out? No,

it. Just in front of you. No, no, I
mean, does she play really groovy music?

Depends on your taste. Well, you know,
the good stuff like Tony Orlando and

Dawn. Tie a yellow ribbon round the old
low tree.

It's been...

All right, what about that singer from
Crete, you know, Kylie Minogos?

No, she's only popular with Cretans.

Listen, love, I'll find someone.

Let me think. There must be thousands of
acts out there.

Yeah, what about that exotic dancer, you
know?

She does that thing with a vacuum
cleaner.

That sucks.

Yeah, yeah, that's the one, yeah, yeah.

Oh, listen, Muriel, love, I'll find
someone to please an audience.

I thought your average audience these
days is bloody stupid anyway.

No offence. We'll be right.

What does that man think he's doing with
his hands on my labia?

Don't you just love that music?

Look, I know you saved my life, but get
your hand off my left tit and put me

down. Oh, there's no need to be
grateful. I do this sort of thing all

I'm always saving virgins.

Legend, are you serious?

I've seen more knobs than a locksmith.

Anyway, I suppose I better introduce you
to me, Mom.

Darling,

you haven't been hanging around the
gymnasium again, have you? Mom, who do

reckon's the dumbest man in the world?

Hercules, of course.

Well, say hello.

Oh, Hercules.

Um, what brings you here?

Well, naturally, my horse did, of
course.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Nearly fell. Nearly fell.

Nope. There is a very special reason as
to why I have come here.

Zeus has sent me here.

What? Zeus has sent me here for a
purpose.

What did he say?

I don't know. I said a purpose. Oh,
that's like a little dolphin, isn't it?

Ted.

And Labby tells me that you're looking
for a new act for your nightclub. Well,

look no further.

Tie. A yellow ribbon round the old old
tree. Well, that's very good, Hercules.

Tell me, I was wondering, if you don't
have any plans for this evening, maybe

you'd consider coming up to my room for
a bit of fun.

Oh, no, I don't like to plan that sort
of thing. I like it to be a surprise.

Well, I could sneak up from behind if
you like.

No, no, no, no, no. There's no time for
all that. Besides, who likes old age

creeping up on them, eh?

I wonder if all his muscles are as big,
eh?

Oh, don't be so disgusting.

Get out.

Come on. I don't want to talk about him
anymore.

Oh, yeah, she's so cute.

She wants to root him. She wants to root
him. She wants to root him. She wants

to root him. You can come out now.

And then I thought I'd finish up my act
with a Donner Summer Medley.

I think I'll wear something tight
-fitting, you know, really hugging

waist. Maybe some flares or something.

And we need some dancing girls.

Hey, we could call them the
Hurtfulettes.

Hercules, you really believe this is the
reason why Zeus has sent you here?

Oh, well, no, I'm not bothered. I think
I know the reason why Zeus sent you

here. Hey, I'm still talking to you, you
rude bugger.

Chad, what did you mean by saying
that... Look, what sort of crowd do you

we'd pull if we announced that the great
Hercules was going to marry your

daughter in a club, eh?

Now all we've got to do is convince him
that's why he's been sent here.

Jeez, you're a top kisser.

Stretch, tell us if anyone comes, okay?

All right.

Testiculi, you and I have got a chore.

You know, I'm glad you two told me you
were in love. Well, I would have found

out anyway. You know us little fellas,
we love sticking our nose in other

people's business.

So, does he have to be around? Doesn't
he have a girlfriend or something?

I never have sex unless someone puts me
up to it.

Oh, don't worry about him. The bed's
taller than he is anyway.

Hey, have you spoken to your dad about
it yet?

Oh, no, why?

Dad's still pissed off that your mum's
club's doing better than his beer

Well, what are we going to do?

You still want to marry me, don't you?
Unless, of course, you don't love me

anymore. Oh, of course I still love you.

Aren't I still your big, hunky -funky
sex machine?

Yes, I am.

No, sorry, I wasn't listening.

Yum.

I'll tell you what, Ted. This place lays
on a really good smorgasbord.

You could do with some knives and forks,
though. But apart from that, I've got

no complaints.

Let me tell you, I've eaten in many
places.

I remember one place where I ate once.
Where was that? It was a city on the

coast. Oh, yeah, Tomania. Excuse me.

No, no, that's fine. You go right ahead.
I'll just keep on talking to myself.

There was another place where I ate. Oh,
yeah, botulinia. That's right. Oh,

yeah, of course.

Thank you, dear.

What's the word from Labia? She said
she'd rather be thrown from it.

Oh, yeah, she's always doing that. But
does she want to marry Hercules? She'll

do as I say, Ted.

Hercules!

Oh, Muriel.

What you been doing, huh? Oh, nothing
much. Just organizing your wedding.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold the
phone. Who am I marrying?

Oh, I forgot to tell you. It's a custom
in these parts that if you save a girl

from drowning, you must marry her.

I'd hate to have a job as a lifesaver in
this town.

Oh, you don't have to worry.

Lavia said she could never marry a
pinhead.

She called me a pinhead?

Oh, yes.

She also said she admires all those
muscles.

It's just a pity that the biggest one is
between your ears.

That's unfair.

There's nothing between my ears.

I'll show her the bitch. I'll break her
face. I'll snap her head. No, no, no,

no. Calm down, Herc. Calm down.

Okay, maybe Zeus did send me here to
marry your daughter, but I'd better just

check with him first, okay? Yeah, fine,
fine.

Okay, okay.

Oh, mighty Zeus, speak to me, your
humble servant.

Oh, you'd better stand. He's pretty
formal.

Oh, right.

Oh, mighty Zeus.

Command of me what you will.

Well... Zeus, give me a break.

Come on, there's people down here
watching.

Zeus, it's me, Herc.

Come on, it was your idea to send me
here.

Oh, God, how stupid of me, of course.

It's Tuesday night. Half price of the
pictures.

Nope, I won't be able to get in contact
with them.

Well, that does put a whole new
perspective on things, doesn't it?

I mean, if you can't contact Zeus, how
do we know you're a real Hercules, eh?

You could be a pretender, mate. Yeah.

Hey, that's another song I could do in
my act. The Great Pretender. Yeah, look,

I could come out like this, okay?

Oh, yes, I'm a great... That's fine,
Hercules, fine.

Yeah, I got it.

Why don't you do something for us to
prove that you are Hercules?

A little test, so to speak.

A test?

Yes, a test.

Oh, what sort of test?

Put him in the river.

What? In the river.

Oh, yes, that's a good one. You see,
there's his polluted river. Straight up.

Only Hercules can swim through that
shit.

Yes.

Okay, Hercules, this is the filthiest
part of the river, right near the

outlet. Oh.

I'll make sure to keep my mouth closed.
Better tie this rope around you.

Well, why?

Well, in case you drown, we can tell the
difference between you and the other

turds. Oh, okay.

Jay, what a man.

Incredible.

Nyeh, big whoop. Guy what? I think you
should marry Hercules.

He's got such a beautiful physique.

Ma 'am, with all those muscles, he looks
like a condom full of walnuts.

Well, don't think you're marrying
testicular. You're marrying happy liars.

Oh, get real, Mum. I'm not marrying
someone with bigger tits than me.

Damn!

Can we hurry this along, guys? I can't
pluck this gut in forever.

That's one of the dumbest things I've
seen anyone do.

Well, thanks.

Especially considering all those sharks
in those waters, you know?

Sharks? Nobody told me anything about
sharks in there.

Oh, yes, there's hundreds of them.
They're only white point as your big

blouse.

Hercules and he wants to marry Labia.
How do we get Labia to agree to marry

God, we should clean these cups more
often. Look at all the shit in that.

Oh, come on, you Benny Hill show reject.
What are we going to do?

Well, I think I'll ask Fanny to help us.

Fanny? But she's only the cup's cook.

Well, I happen to have a little plan
that entails using our Fanny, the queen

the crepes.

Okay, that's seafood slam by portable
number 8, got it?

No way, Muriel. You're going to have to
find yourself another girl.

Look, Fanny, we only want you to pretend
to be a medium. Say that Zeus is

talking through you and then you... And
then tell everyone that Hercules and

Labia must marry. Yeah, I know what you
want, but I ain't going to do it. I'm

telling you now, Ted, I'm not going to
fuck with Hercules.

Yeah, well, he'd be the only one.

Look, you've got one last chance before
we bring out the heavy artillery.

Forget it. Well, I didn't want to bring
this up.

Fanny, do you remember that slight
problem you had with the bike squad

recently. Well, all the boys are in the
audience.

Hmm. All of them?

Who?

And if you're not careful, we'll get
them all to stand up.

And tell us all what you like doing with
hamsters, a wetsuit, and a bath full of

custard. Nice.

Okay, you can count me in.

as well. I highly recommend her. I
suppose she's what you might call an

-average medium.

I just hope she can get through to Zeus
for me.

Well, if anyone can, Fanny can. She's
renowned for the amount of spirits that

flow through her.

Oh, great.

A medium with a bladder problem.

Anyone care for a crepe while they wait?

I'll just paint.

Oh, crepe!

Great. Grab me dunger.

All right.

Oh, jeez, that ribena's looking a bit
hot.

Shit house grapes, anyway. Right, I'll
give you Zeus.

Hercules!

Hercules! It's me, Zeus, your father.

Now, I've got something important to
tell you.

Oh, mighty one.

I am a servant that awaits your command.

Well, that's very reassuring to know.
Now, listen, Hercules. The reason I

you to come to this city was not to
appear at the Pink Panther non

nor was it as others would have you.
believe, to marry young Lavier.

Oh, no.

The real reason I wanted you to come
here, Hercules, was to openly reveal to

world your true homosexual tendencies.

Homosexual? What?

Are you trying to tell me that I'm
really a visitor to Vegemite Valley? Oh,

on. Oh, no.

Now, listen, Herc. I found you the
perfect partner. His name is Samson.

Samson?

Is this guy for real or what? Hey, do
you mind? I haven't finished yet. Now,

prove yourself, you must fight, Samson.
Now, if you win, you can marry Lavier.

But if you lose, you must marry Samson.

Thanks a bundle, Zeus.

Never heard anything so ridiculous in my
life. Me, of all people.

My God, what if he's right? Well, of
course he's not.

Oh, look.

You stupid great cow.

What? What did I do?

Come out of the closet.

Me? I didn't do anything.

One minute I was standing behind the
statue, right? Next minute I was just

floating.

My God, it must have been the real Zeus.

You mean... The real Zeus?

I warned you, didn't I? I told you not
to stuff around with this.

Well, Shakespeare once said, me thinks
we balled this one up severely.

Christ almighty, what are we going to do
about bloody Samson then, eh? God.

Come on, boys. All in for a drink. Boys
out. Come on. What about Samson? Could

be his local.

Come on, you blokes. We were told to
ride like the wind to find Samson. What

you mean, huh?

You know, ride like the wind. Ride
really fast. It's like this. I'll show

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Get the hell out of here, you.

You too.

You too, too.

Sorry. There we go.

Oh, come on, then. Someone else. Oh,
okay. I love a guy that comes back for

more. There you go, pal.

Oh,

Christ, I've got a great sense of humor,
eh?

Oh, look at you, pal.

You've got a wee bit of dirt on your
cheek. Now, hold it really, really

I'll help you with it, okay?

And... Oh, still there.

Oh, still there.

Oh, it won't go away, will it?

Hey,

where are you? a woman.

Oh, there you are.

I was wondering if everything was to
serve satisfaction.

Could I get you another drink, perhaps?

No, I'll be fine. Thanks anyway.

I realise this is an inopportune moment,
but about the bill. Oh, my God.

Bill.

What are you talking about?

You mean you want me to pay for all
of...

I'll check with this bloke. Excuse me,
mate, that bloke in there, is that

Samson?

No, no, it's Ursus, mad scuss bastard.

He does this every bloody Friday.

So it's not Samson? No, no, it's Ursus,
I told you. What are you, deaf as well

as stupid?

Look, you can give us a hand here. No,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

No, no, no, come on, you've got to do
something about him. He always leaves a

place in bloody ruins. Oh, come on.

Why don't you get yourself a bouncer,
you silly old fart?

Come on, you guys, let's go.

He is the bloody bouncer.

Oh, look out.

Um, they didn't even help.

Oh, belt up. Now go and get your
brother, McKismo, and while you're gone,

something about that hair. It's the
worst bloody haircut I've ever seen. Go

Go on. On your back.

Mm -hmm.

What can I do for you? Mrs. Samson, I
presume?

It's Miss Delilah.

My, my, my, Delilah.

Don't you dare think about doing the
next bit. Oh, why, why, why, Delilah?

I warned you. I'm sorry. Look, it's
really imperative that we see Samson.

We brought you a gift, see?

We brought you a gift, huh?

We brought you a gift.

Is that a gift?

Oh, you bet your buns.

All right, then.

Hell, shall I go?

Jesus, what a pig.

Yeah. Wait there.

Look at the square ass on that eye.

Yes. Samson!

Samson! I'll be in in a minute.

Genuine plastic.

And look at this.

Especially for you, eh?

If you agree to come back to Chlamydia
with us and fight Hercules at the Pink

Panthenon. What do you think, dear?

I think it's the most stupid fucking
idea I've ever heard of.

I don't think she's very big on the
idea, actually.

Don't you worry about her. I'll butter
her up.

Can I watch?

Uh, Deliver, um... Look,

I don't know what you're so concerned
about. I mean, these gentlemen have

asked me to accompany them back to
Chlamydia to engage in a professional

wrestling match with Hercules. I mean, I
can beat him, and I won't get hurt, so

what's the problem, eh?

Save it, Samson. You gave me your word
that you'd never fight again after that

man was killed.

Bit unfair bringing that up. You stabbed
him.

Don't split hairs.

All right, go off your mouth.

Thanks, Del.

Okay, you blokes can pick me up first
thing in the morning, okay?

I'm going to pot at Chili's. I'm going
to pot at Chili's.

Samson, a word of warning. Don't let her
cut your hair, will you?

No, you don't believe that old story
about me losing my strength if someone

my head, do you? No, I just love those
cute little pigtails.

Bye.

And don't slam that fucking door.

Sorry. Okay, just put this back up here.

And don't slam the fucking door, Samson.

Right.

Listen, love, you're not going to regret
your decision. I'm telling you, we can

make some big bucks on this one.

You mean you can go into town and whore
around?

Find yourself some beautiful young
thing.

Oh, what would I want with a beautiful
young thing when I've got you, eh?

Swabugger.

You know, Del, it's going to be good to
get back to Chlamydia again. I haven't

been there since I was a teenager,
cruising the main street on a Saturday

picking up chicks in my chariot.

You know, Del, sometimes I amaze myself.

at how truly boring I really am.

Even bore the shit out of meself.

Now I've really got you by the short and
curlies.

Smoke, I got myself a big fight lined up
with Achilles.

Fuck.

Bloody hell.

Hey, hang on a sec.

My hair feels shorter.

Nope. Under the sheet? Nope.

I know, you're hiding in that tiny
little bloody box again, aren't you?

No.

What's this?

Hey!

Why'd you cut my hair?

To stop you from going into the city.

Now, you're going to stay here with me
and you're going to like it.

So shut up!

Big B's the case.

But that's all we've got.

You've eaten everything else.

Did I say you could stop singing?

You're doing great. You're doing
marvelous.

But you, pal, you're doing the melodies.
You should be doing the harmonies,

okay? Sorry, I'm sorry about that. Now
get it right for Christ's sake.

Come here.

Oh, my God, he's getting better.

Oh, gotcha. Right, now you get out of
here, you dummy.

You think he's still in there?

It's possible.

Yeah, you could be right.

I knew that bitch would cut Samson's
hair.

Well, I hope this Scottish bugger can
help us.

I say, you're a bit old for rolling the
hay.

Christ, I'm funny.

Come here, you wee devil.

Oh, don't. I swear I'll throw up. Oh,
great.

Kinky, too.

Oh, come on, darling, you won't feel a
thing. Well, that's what all me ex

-girlfriends have said about me anyway.

Oh, no, no. Oh, excuse me, sir. Just
give me a hand.

Pal, I saw the first egg.

I knew that'd stop him.

It's money.

And it's all yours.

Who'd you want me to beat up?

I'd beat myself up for this much.

I want a man.

All right, like that is it, Nancy boy.
Oh, I get you.

I want you to get someone for me. I want
that chappy Samson.

Oh, move your head, will you?

Right.

Think that was you, actually.

Oh, dear.

And I don't want him hurt, all right?

Eh, no worries.

Samson is a pushover at the moment, but
look out for the wife.

She's a bit of a bruiser. Eh, don't
panic.

He'll love those padded shoulders, pal.
Oh,

Christ, are you stuck in the haystack
again? Come on. Up you come.

Right.

OK, up we go, and... Right.

One, two, three.

Howie!

Big whizzy!

Oh, it's all right, son. He's gone.

Gone? Ah, thanks to these kind
gentlemen, I finally got rid of bloody

well, then I'll go, then. No, no, no,
no, no, no. Come inside.

I'll have some of your most fettuccine.
Oh, that lovely vegetable sauce, my man.

That's the one. Hey, Charlie, tell me,
can we trust this Ursus, eh?

Hey, hey, hey. What? Can we trust this
Ursus? Oh, yes, yes. He promised me he'd

be discreet.

What do you want?

Yeah, the color of you.

Hey, you. You with the funny heart. You
sample.

Yeah?

Should have said no, eh?

I'd steal a love bike.

Gizmo is very considerate. Oh, he's
always been like that. Ever since I can

remember, he's always enjoyed bending
over backwards for people. Know what I

mean? I'll bet.

There you go, Mumsy. All finished. Look,
I'd really better get going now, OK?

All right. Bye -bye, darling. See you
later, Mum.

Don't talk to any strange men. Oh,
Christ, if only.

Oh, look, Mum, don't forget about the
interior decorator's ball.

But I can't dance.

It's not a dance, Mum. It's a raffle.

Careful on the road.

I love this bit.

And... Come on, Cyril.

I know what boys like. I know what guys
want.

I've got a headache.

It doesn't get any better, eh?

carrying an unconscious guy into a pub.

Boy, boy! Can you help again?

Oh, give it a rest, lad. Now go get your
brother McKismore again. That's it.

Oh, okay.

Oh, lad.

God.

Wouldn't know if somebody was up him
sideways with an arm full of deck

He really wouldn't.

No, no, no, no, no, no. It's impossible.
We can't rig the fight.

Well, what about my reputation as the
strongest man alive?

You can live with it. Oh, if I lose this
fight, I'll be a laughingstock.

Hey, what if I fight someone else?

What about these two old farts over
here? I could do them easy enough.

If I lose this fight, my reputation is
buggered.

If I win the fight, I've got to marry
Hercules and I'm buggered again.

I think he's acting pretty badly, too.

Oh, you think he's only pretending to be
a piss -weak little wimp, eh?

Maybe, yes.

Wait here, I'll sort this out.

Now, listen, I want a word with you, but
I don't want Samson to know what we're

talking about. Do you understand?

Yeah, okay, sit down next to me and make
it look like you're chatting me up

again.

Now, that's good, yeah.

And then... Oh, that's great, that's
great, I love it.

Hey,

you, can your mother sew?

Well, tell her to put a few stitches in
this, eh?

You've got a funny way of saying hello,
you know that?

I'm trying to provoke you into a fight,
pal. No, I'm really going to insult you.

I'm really angry now. You know what you
are? You're a big poop.

Big poop?

All right, them's fighting words, Jimmy.

I'm going to knock your teeth so far
down your throat you'll have bite marks

your sphincter. Now come here, eh?

Look at that.

You got a wee bit of dirt on your cheek.

Let me help you with it, okay?

Wallop!

Samson, run for it!

Come on, Samson, you great tool. Make a
run for it. Come on, Samson.

Let me help you out, pal.

Thor's that way.

Christ,

it's not often they're thrown at me.

Better keep him just in case.

If this doesn't belong to anyone, I'll
have him.

Darling, it's that bloody ass. He's back
again.

Did you hit him?

What if I did?

What are you picking on him for?

You big bully.

You want to take his place?

I'll fight you on one condition.

That you lower your nipple.

Thanks very much.

Hey,

come on. Let's watch this from outside,
huh? Come on.

Right, mate. Come on.

Right then, come on.

And... And pancake head.

And again.

And, oh, by the way, why not? One more.

Hey,

hold on a sec, will you? I'm all sweaty,
you know.

Yeah, right, that's better. Come on.

Be nice to you. The next punch after
this one won't connect, okay?

Oh, the curtains.

I'll just put them out. Come here, you.

That's a really nice aftershave you're
wearing, eh? What's it called?

Geronimo!

Oh,

I'll give you half an hour to stop.

Oh, no, that's one lump of paper mache.
Call him. No.

All right, fight's over.

Right, mate, cop this then.

What?

When you're finished, I want the whole
wall done in a lovely puce, all right?

Yeah, they love.

Love.

The kismet.

That's what Mumsy named me.

Sit down, will you?

Oh, I'd love to.

Samson here, you see.

Samson here has a very important
question he'd like to ask you, is he?

Yeah, do you know how to get wine stains
out of this cloth? I'll fix that up

later. Listen, what are you guys doing
here? What's all this about anyway?

They want me to find Hercules, but I'm
not going to do it.

He is going to do it, and that's the end
of it. Zeus has decreed it. There's no

way out, you see. When your god says to
beat the living shit out of someone, you

do it.

That's what religion is all about.

I'm an atheist.

It doesn't matter. You're still going to
do it, I say.

Hey, fellas, I hope you don't mind me
interrupting or anything.

Just thought I heard you talking about
the fight, and I was wondering, can I

come too, eh? Come with us. Why not? The
more muscles, the merrier, eh?

One other thing.

This film is originally in Italian,
right? And what my character is saying

well, there's no literal translation
into English, you see. So I was

if it's okay with you guys, that is, if
we could skip to the next scene where

we're all riding towards the city on
horses, eh?

Oh, great, thanks very much, that's
right, yeah.

Oh, come

on, guys, will you give a fucking laugh,
for Christ's sake?

Samson! Samson? Here already?

God, he can't see me like this. I
haven't got enough baby oil on my

Fuck, he's stupid.

Oh, shit.

Fuck.

Hey!

Anywhere on Testicular?

He's fun to see his father.

Oh, look, I can see right up your nose,
eh?

Look who it is.

Testy, my old son.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Hey, come here and give your old man a
big okay, son.

Come here, son. Come here, son. Get
those arms out. Get those arms out. Come

child man, you're talking to me. Get
those arms out, sonny. Bring him up,

Give your old man a big bear. Okay, come
on, sonny. Come on, come on.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Hey, Dad, I've got
to talk to you. Now, listen, son. I want

to introduce you to someone. See that
Sheila up there on the patio? Isn't she

little beauty?

Yeah, Dad, it's really important. I said
shut up.

Now listen, son. It's about time you and
I had a talk about what you're going to

do with your bloody life, eh?

We'll pick the bones out of that one,
eh?

Jesus, sorry, son. Had some prawns for
lunch there.

Sure, they must have been off, eh?

They were dead.

I said shut up.

Bloody tail.

Now look at her, son.

She's smart.

She's pretty.

She's witty.

And her old man owns a brewery.

Everything a man could look for in a
wife?

Do you get what I'm trying to tell you,
son?

Of course I do, Dad, and I hope you'll
be really happy together in that, eh?

Those fucking prawns, eh?

Dad!

Listen, son, I'm not going to marry her.
You're going to marry her.

That's it.

That's right, mastermind. You're going
to marry her.

Oh, listen, son. We need her old man's
business.

Hey, and don't you even think of going
anywhere near that bloody Sheila from

Pink Panther not again, all right? Now,
do you get what I'm trying to tell you,

son? Well, do you? Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, where are you going?

To a party.

Well, could I come?

Oh, get... Get real, Ted. You're a
social embarrassment.

Great turnout.

If Hercules wins the fight, imagine how
many we'll have for the wedding.

If he finds out you tricked him, do you
think he'll have as many for your

funeral?

She's a great girl, isn't she?

Ted,

is there... What?

Something you want to tell me.

About Fanny?

No, no. We're just good friends, aren't
we?

She's wearing your underpants.

Yeah, well, obviously we're very good
friends, aren't we?

Oh,

look, jelly deals.

I'd wrestle her any time.

Oh, you're such a bitch.

Get away from me, you... Mind

if I join you, girls?

Yeah, look at that, will you? Look at
that.

You know what would look good on that
girl?

Me.

Great, I love classy lines like that, I
do.

Who, her?

Yeah, she's all right. But she's not as
good as my lab here.

By the way, where is she?

Oh, the fight's about to start.

Oh, thanks.

Oh, um, Samson?

Huh? How do you think he'll do?

I think he'll kick nine colors of shit
out of me, actually.

Oh, right.

I think I'm gonna...

You're ill, you're ill.

It's not about time. We've got the show
on the road. I think you've had enough

to drink there, love. Any more of those
and you'll be under the weight.

Be gentle.

Now.

Yep. That miserable, ungrateful,
deceitful, disgusting, disrespectful,

disobedient tart.

What's up, love?

Something the matter? That child of mine
has run off with the pleb from the bee

garden.

Perfect.

Exactly what we wanted.

I'll send a couple of the boys around
and maybe we can even persuade Hercules

go, if you get my drift. Well, do you?

Booyah! Booyah!

Booyah!

No.

I know! We can send Hercules off to find
her. We can persuade him. I'm sure we

could. You're not as stupid as everyone
says, Muriel.

Really? Nope.

Thanks, Dad.

You wouldn't want to put an end to this
horrible humiliation, would you?

No song?

Well, what's the problem then?

You see, it's Labia. She's been
kidnapped.

I must go after her.

Now you're talking, Squire. I'll
organize a crack legion of our toughest

to go with you and help retrieve the
lovely Labia from the evil clutches

Shut the fuck up. I don't need their
help. I'm a loner. For you see... I've

traveled each and every highway.

But more, much more than this.

I've done it my...

Well, I didn't expect the earth to move.

But I least expected you to.

Oh, Testy, you're so romantic.

I can't wait.

You know... Oh, Jesus, it's going to be
so good when we're married. I've never

been in love like this before.

Yeah, but can I be on top next time,
please?

Ow!

Now, I warned you about going out with
that bloody sheila, didn't I?

Bring that special goat's piss mouthwash
over here.

Ah,

yummy.

Now, what about you, darling? What have
you got to say for yourself, eh?

I don't understand all this.

What exactly have you got against me,
anyway?

Oh, what have I got against her?

Well,

I'll tell you, son.

I'll tell you what I've got against her,
mate. She's a bloody yuppie. That's

what I've got against her, mate.

Dad, you're just jealous that her mum's
club's doing better than this beer guy.

Oh, that's not it, son. It's the way she
acts, mate.

All right, this place doesn't have a spa
and a sauna, but at least the bloody

clientele aren't stuck up.

And all right, there's a few cockroaches
running around the place, but they just

add character, eh?

There goes another one, and I'm proud of
it.

Are you always like this? Why so aggro?

Easy.

He's paranoid.

He keeps thinking people are trying to
run him over.

Aggro, eh? You reckon I'm aggro.

Well, let me tell you something,
darling. The only reason I get bloody

because I care about what happens to my
one and only bloody son, hey.

Come here, fuckknuckle. I want a word
with you. Who?

I said, come here.

Who?

Now, I've never told you this before,
and I think it's about time I did. I

Labby as a mother once.

No, tell a lie, it was twice, actually.
Nice bottle of wine back at the drive

-in, you know what I mean, eh?

Why are you trying to tell me that you
could be Levy's father?

Oh, no,

I'm just bragging.

But what I am very well saying is
there's no way in the world that you're

to marry that girl, right? Now grab the
mongrel.

Take him away and give him the beer
garden torture.

Five buckets of creme de menthe.

Dad, nothing you do is going to stop me
marrying the girl I love.

Fair enough. I've got ten buckets.

Ten green bones hang on the wall.

Six green bones hang on the wall.

And five green bones hang on the wall.

Hey, somebody cut the toes out of her
boobs, man.

We're dumped.

Wah, wah, wah, wah.

Chip off the old block, eh? Ha, ha, ha.

Yeah, righty -o, let's get this barbecue
going. Can I line her up?

You won't mind if I borrow this.

Why?

I won't take it out of your ass, pal.

You said we were having a porn and prawn
night, not a bloody barbecue.

Grab the mongrel.

Wrong mongrel.

Try to check out my bitch, baby.

Ta -da!

I'm here!

Oh,

it'll take more than two

of you. Oh, shit.

Why'd you all fall down? I missed the
lot of you. Oh, you again.

Kept myself a new club. This rubber one
is crap.

Oh, my fucking throat.

Labir,

I've come to save you. It's wedding
time.

I beat Samson.

I could beat you with my legs tied
behind my hands, mate.

I beg your pardon?

No, Jesse, don't, please.

Come here, belly boy. I'm going to cut
the tails out of your boots, okay?

Now, somebody cut the toes out of his
boots.

Is that all right?

It's nothing personal, Hercules.

It's not just because you're a jerk.

You see, it's because, well, I love him.

And I'm going to have his baby.

Somebody's been telling me lies.

Now, more than usual, no.

No, no? Then how come nobody told me
that Labier was in love with another

God, you made me look really silly
bursting into that beer garden, you

Well, somebody had to save her.

Yeah, listen, Moose, they would have
done some pretty horrible things to her,

and if you had... You made me look
silly.

Do you know how hard it is to be a
bodybuilder these days with all the

going around? And, of course, the well
-known rumors about your tiny weenie.

Yep, yep, yep. That is the thing that
bugs me the most.

That is not true that all bodybuilders
have got little pee -pees, okay? So

that's it. The wedding's cancelled.

Bless you.

Now, Zeus, your old man, remember?

Now, whichever way you look at it, he
still told you to marry Labia, didn't

eh?

That's right.

And you can't betray your own god.

I mean, do you remember what happened to
the last man who betrayed Zeus?

He turned him into an accountant.

Oh, God, I forgot about Zeus.

I guess I'll have to marry her.

Oh, darn.

Oh, it's just that, you know...

I feel like a heel, you know.

I mean, she doesn't love me.

But I can cope with this on my own
because... I don't have

plans and schemes.

I don't have hopes and dreams.

I don't have anything.

Oh, hello.

Do you like what I've done to the place?

What? Oh, yeah, yeah, it's great. I love
it, I love it, yeah.

Look, we've still got to get married.
Zeus said so, remember?

What's so funny?

Oh, great, she's a spastic.

That wasn't Zeus inside the statue. That
was...

little guy.

Yeah, that's okay. I'll only hurt him a
little then.

So you see, Hercules, you don't have to
marry me at all.

Yeah, yeah, but that still doesn't solve
the problem of how we're going to

convince your mother to let you marry
Tosticuli, does it? No, not at all.

if you're agreeable, I do have this sort
of plan.

What?

You've all been caught. He tried to kill
you. Actually, hold on a second there,

Labby. Yo,

bullet head.

Sit down so I can finish the film.

Hey, Labby, check out the guy in the
third row.

Doesn't she look beautiful?

emotional moment for a mother when one
loses one's daughter.

Well, you're not losing a daughter,
you're gaining a pinhead.

She's very pretty.

Hey, officially white. From what I've
heard, she's got a nerve wearing white.

Well, Ellie, tell us about her. Come on,
Ellie. Shut up!

I could do him. I don't know. He looks
kind of tough.

Now, hold on. You're not going to marry
Labby and me. No, you are. And you're

also going to be the only man who ever
beat the snot out of Hercules.

What?

That's right.

Hercules is going to help. If you beat
him in a fight, Mum will have to let us

get married.

I could have beaten him in a fair fight,
you know, if only my hair was longer.

Now listen, Paul, can I have a word with
you?

In 93 days!

Rebate!

This guy wants to fight me again, huh?

Okay, I'll give him a fight. But first
I'll get rid of this cardboard T -shirt.

Right, come on then.

for the big final fight scene. Except
you. Back in the pool.

Now,

who's

fighting who? Let's organize it
properly.

Come on.

Okay, if I get hit by a tooth, then I'll
hit him again.

And then Ursus can hit me again, and
I'll get up real quick and hit him.

Have you guys noticed how some of this
water is really brown and some of it's

really blue like in a swimming pool, you
know?

Good

red

-handed. You thought you could pull the
wool out of my eyes.

You can't get away with this, McBain.

Shut up, Tate. We're busy.

You know, you and whose army? You know,
you're misleading the theatre going

badly.

Anyone, and I mean anyone, who tries to
stop us finishing this film is going to

get bit, okay?

You can't threaten me.

Oh, I just did.

Oh, just because you're using the voice
of some mythical hero doesn't mean to

say that you are one, sonny. You know
what I'm going to do to you?

I'm going to chew you up and spit you
out, you little turd.

If that's any indication of your dietary
habits, it certainly explains your

breath. I'm going to grind you to a
pulp.

You couldn't grind your teeth, you old
fart.

Don't you get it? You can't intimidate
me anymore, Ken. I'm not one of your

slimy little underlings. Not like that
assistant of yours. God, he's such a

brown nose that instead of a
handkerchief, he uses toilet paper.

Watch out!

now then?

Skip to the end of the movie. I want to
see the fight.

The least we can do is give it a happy
ending.

Let's see now. Ah, right. Well, Labia
and Testiculi, a couple that by

were destined to be joined together,
were married. And guess what? They

little Stretch.

But what of our four superheroes?

Well, what indeed?

Samson went on to marry Delilah and they
went on to host a popular television

chat show, Good Morning Athenia.

Machismo went on to become a fully
qualified hairdresser.

Ursus went on and on and on and nobody
could shut him up. And Hercules went on

to become a failed nightclub singer who
couldn't remember the words to his songs

but still commanded a million dollars a
gig. And for them, everything was dandy.

Dandy, is that a bit mincey?

Yes, you've got a point there. Oh, yes,
I've got it.

Everything was...

Well,

that wasn't too bad, was it, eh?

Isn't it amazing that a film play...

I'd give it a five.

And you won't succeed. I'll destroy you.

Brad, remember Clark Gable? Mutiny on
the Bounty.

The 1935 version.

Oh, God.

Oh, for God's sakes, Brad. Finish him
off. I need a drink. Stay out of this,

girly. This is man business.

You shouldn't have said that.

We've got a hit on our hands.

Let's party!

You didn't know that Herc was a swinger?
This is my voice. Yo, don't be silly.

Who'd you think I am, Milwin Vanilli?
I'm no legend. I am real.

Son of a God, would who thinks of me?
Ask any girl what they think of Herc.

like waking up with the jerk. Now, this
story starts with my father's zoo.

A nice guy thought he'd think I'm a
goose. He said he was sending me on a

and when I got to town, he'd tell me the
rest.

I had to know. I had to act. Was I
worthy of this task?

couldn't find nobody better, not even
that wimp. Oh, Schwarzenegger, I'm

along. I spy on Wilson. There's this
girl drowning in the ocean. So I dive in

and drown like a fish and save the life
of this lovely day.

I took her back home where I met her
mummy. She'd got a nightclub and Bob's

trying to find it. She had it in mind
that I should marry her daughter. A

reward for saving her from the water.

in love with this other guy, a funny
dude called Testicular.

A scrawny little runt, he is indeed,
like someone wrapped a toga round a

I had to prove that I was a vet. I
sucked in my guts and pumped out my

I'll fight Samson to prove I'm bold.
That big wood couldn't fight a cold.

But Delilah's wife said it wasn't fair.
She zapped his strength by cutting his

hair. Samson wasn't happy he could not
win, so when we fought, I beat the out

him. As I threw Samson to the ground, I
asked him what he thought of my sound.

He said, Hurt, now listen to me.

This song is wrapped with a capital C.

The girl soon came and said this wasn't
right. He didn't get me here to have a

cute fight. I was here for one reason,
one reason alone, to get these two

married and put her on the throne. Oh,
sorry, that's two reasons. So I didn't

get the girl. That ain't so bad. At
least I made everybody glad I'm a

again. But I ain't crying if I don't
have a girl like an always pumped iron.

Everybody say no.

Oh, come on, guys. This is my one big
shot at stardom. Come on, everybody say,

yo!

Okay, turn it on.

Yep,

that's me, the big guy. And you know
what? I've always wanted to be a singer.

And you know why? Because the singers
always get that shit.

Whoa.

Would you care to go out with the son of
a god?

Yeah? Yeah?

Okay, then. Well, I'll tell you what.

I'll get my old man's carrot, and we can
go out on a Friday night. Where'd you

go?

Oh, great story of my life.