All language subtitles for Hercules Returns (1993)

So, that's it, gentlemen and ladies.

Once again, we've acquired the best
films, and we'll show them in the best

theatres.

This'll be a great summer for Kent
Cinemas.

The increased ticket prices, the 25 %
hiking concessions, we're looking at a

-fold profit leap.

I have devoted my life to making the
Kent Cinema Corporation the most

chain in the country.

You could say that I've spent a lifetime
pulling this chain together.

Thank you.

Haven't seen it? Man, I don't believe
it. What about Kirk Douglas in The

of Alcatraz? There's a brilliant example
of American film... Burt Lancaster.

Excuse me?

It was Burt Lancaster in The Birdman
from Alcatraz, not Kirk Douglas.

Oh, just some wanker.

Now, what was I saying?

The Kent 30.

Culmination of years of planning.

Fully automatic candy counters, ticket
dispensers. The only staff needed are a

couple of usherettes and one
projectionist.

Stuff the unions. They're not going to
stop us on this one.

We've moved the seats closer together to
fit more people in.

It'll be a bit tight, but that's
showbiz.

And if you could eliminate the public,
you'd have the perfect cinema complex.

There'll be a cop number.

Four...

Sir. Bain.

A new strategy for summer?

You could say that, sir.

Is this some kind of joke?

No, sir.

What do you mean you quit?

You're a valuable member of the team.

I pay you well, don't I?

It's just that I'm not happy here, sir.

Not happy.

Bullshit! We're all happy. You're happy,
aren't you, Rappaport?

You're working for the biggest
distribution company in the country,

could you possibly do somewhere else?

This is fascinating, sir. I'm going to
open my own theatre.

What? I'm going to reopen the old
Picture Palace.

We've got an eight -screen multiplex
just around the corner, McBain. I don't

like competition.

I squash it.

You're going to fail, son.

Not because you haven't got what it
takes, but because I'll personally see

you fail. Now, get out!

I've never liked you, McBain.

You're a maverick.

You're an idealist.

And you're fired!

But I resigned.

I am the biggest and the best, and I
intend to stay that way.

Any chance for a reference?

Out.

Excuse me, mate. Do you know a guy named
Sprocket?

No, but I know a man called Horse and a
boy named Sue.

Yeah, good on you. Look, he's a tall
guy.

Wears glasses. He can be a bit
temperamental.

You're not listening to me. Hey, mate.

Now, I'll ask you just one more time.

Do you agree that Martin Scorsese
injects some autobiographical content

majority of his films?

You're a class act, Sprocket. I can.

Oh, Brad McClane, you old bum!

Two more beer sacks, Nev.

How are you? Good, I'm dead.

Still peddling mainstream muck to the
masses, huh? Yeah.

Are you still head projectionist at the
Thrust and Grunt Emporium? If you mean

am I showing tasteful erotica to a
select adult clientele, the answer is

select adult clientele? They'd buy their
raincoats at a candy bar.

I didn't have any bloody choice in the
matter, you know that.

Kent controls this town.

If you disagree with him, you're out.

I quit this morning.

You're joking.

No, I resigned.

Finito.

Well, what are you going to do now?

Jesus.

The old picture palace, eh?

This place has been dark for years.

Not anymore, mate. You're looking at the
new manager.

You?

You couldn't organise a fart at a curry
eating contest.

Oh, thanks for your support, my
optimistic old mate.

Come on.

Imagine what this place could be like
when we fix it up.

So I suppose this is where you try and
lure me away from my prestigious

to come and work for you. Correct.

Well, have to be a lucrative offer.

All right, I'll pay your shit wages and
you can live in the theatre.

Done. You drive a hard bargain.

I'm a great little upstart.

Say yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

Listen, King, I want you to... Yes, sir?

I'll wait till I've finished.

Yes, sir.

I want you to find out all about McBain
for me.

What films he's programming.

Talk to his distributors.

That sort of thing.

Thinks he can go into competition with
me, does he?

We'll see about that.

Now, sir?

Yeah, now.

Yes, sir.

Well, get out.

Yes, sir.

Miss McKenzie, I find myself in a
particularly foul mood. Send somebody

can fire.

Yes, sir.

What is it about the last minute? So,
how do you like the accommodation?

Well, there's no ventilation, it's
cramped, it's dark.

I love it.

Ah, Sprocket, it's about your wages. The
position isn't permanent, but once the

place is up and running... And sowing
some profit, you'll get most of it off

top and still pay me shit wages?

Here, here it is.

Be still, my raging hormones. Who is
this?

If there's a God in heaven, she's come
about the job as the publicist.

She's hired.

Sorry to trouble you, but haven't we
met?

I don't think so.

Shit. I'm sure I'd remember those two.

Watch out. Here comes my husband.

Classy joint.

I thought you were going to punch him
for a minute.

Cheers to a long and happy relationship
at the Picture Palace.

Oh, can I ask you a question?

Yeah, sure.

You sure you know what you're doing?

No.

But I'm going to run the old picture
palace like the old days, you know.

Usherette selling ice creams in the
aisles.

Cartoons. Maybe even get the old organ
going.

Make it an event again.

Well, it sounds great.

Open at night.

Have you got any ideas?

Well, I was looking at the old posters
outside the theatre.

Why don't we open up with the last film
that was on at the Picture Palace?

It's a great gimmick and it certainly
shows people that you're willing to

to the old ways. That's great.

That's really great.

I wonder what the last film was.

Fantastic. Congratulations.

What a great turn. Bit nervous. Have we
got enough champagne?

Brad, relax.

Everything's organised.

Sure, you sure?

Good luck, Lisa. Good luck, Brad. Why is
everybody smiling at you? Have I got

something on my teeth?

Oh, look, enjoy yourself. This is your
night.

Lady Farquhar. Say hello to Lady
Farquhar.

Brad!

Brad! Charlie.

Brad. I've got a problem.

What? Good luck.

It's in Italian.

What? The film, it's in Italian.

It's in Italian?

What are we going to do? We've got to
show them something.

We can't put a spoiler. I've got a few
slides.

I've got a documentary on tulips.

Great, that'll be great.

It's that bastard.

He can't.

He's behind this for sure.

Brad, what are we going to do?

We'll dub it.

What? We'll stop it. We'll do the
voices.

Come on.

Come on. Stop it.

I'm looking forward to this.

Me too. I love movies with musclemen in
them.

What the hell is this for?

Thunder.

We haven't even seen.

Don't ask me.

Print the bastard. Print it. If you take
the print, we're not going to show

Hercules, aren't we?

Guys, guys, we've got a show to do.

Of course I checked it. I saw it myself.

Guys, can you do all the girls' voices?

That's brilliant.

I'm finishing.

I just want to thank this opportunity to
take part.

Pause. Pause.

We're not doing the Italian world, don't
remember?

Now say it again, this time in English,
all right?

Oh, uh, good shot.

I was aiming for you.

Now, Frank, I'm impertinent. I have a
very important job for you, which

you to go on a long journey. I'm on my
way.

Oh, great one.

I haven't told you where yet, pinhead.

Father. I am but mere mortal.

I am nothing but the toe jam from
between your mighty feet.

Am I worthy to fulfill this important
task for you?

Well, I tried, Schwarzenegger, but I
couldn't understand the bugger. Look, go

the city of Tamedia and I'll talk to you
there.

This journey will give me the chance to
grow, the chance to learn, and, well,

the chance to beat the living snot out
of other muscle men.

Hathaway!

Don't tell him he's going the wrong way.

Well, I met this bloke at the pub the
other night, right, and he's an art

collector. And you know what he says to
me? He says, would I like to go to his

place and see his Warhol?

Well, it was kind of disappointing,
because when I got there, he just showed

a painting.

What the hell is she on about?

a guy for a swim?

That'd be grand!

This looks like a job for Hercules.

Don't worry, darling. I'll be there in a
second.

See? I told you.

Don't struggle. I'm here to save you.

Hold on. I said don't struggle.

Oh,

black undies.

Yeah, I'd forgotten about her.

Oh, good on you, Hercules. Her mum would
have killed us if she drowned.

Yeah, her mum runs a pink panther on.

It's the night spot in Chlamydia.

What? Chlamydia?

Your mother runs a nightclub. Tell me,
is it far out? No, this is just in front

of you. No, no, I mean, does she play
really groovy music?

Oh, it depends on your taste. Well, you
know, the good stuff like Tony Orlando

and Dawn.

Tie a yellow ribbon round the old low
tree.

It's been... Can't find a new act.

All right, what about that singer from
Crete? You know, Kylie Minogos.

Listen, love, I'll find someone.

Let me think.

There must be thousands of acts out
there.

Yeah. What about that exotic dancer, you
know?

She does that thing with a vacuum
cleaner.

But she sucks.

Yeah, yeah, that's the one. Yeah, yeah.

Listen, Muriel, love, I'll find someone
to please an audience.

Your average audience these days is
bloody stupid anyway.

No offence. We'll be right.

Don't you just love that music?

Look, I know you saved my life, but get
your hand off my left tit and put me

down. Oh, there's no need to be
grateful. I do this sort of thing all

I'm always saving virgins. Virgin?

Are you serious?

I've seen more knobs than a locksmith.

Anyway, I suppose I'd better introduce
you to me, Mom.

Darling,

you haven't been hanging around the
gymnasium again, have you? Mom, who do

reckon's the dumbest man in the world?

Naturally, my horse did, of course.

It's such an honor for me to meet you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Nearly fell. Nearly fell.

Nope. There is a very special reason as
to why I have come here.

Zeus has sent me here.

What? Zeus has sent me here for a
purpose.

What did he say?

I don't know. I said a purpose. Oh,
that's like a little dolphin, isn't it?

Ted.

And Labier tells me that you're looking
for a new act for your nightclub.

Well, look no further.

Tie a yellow ribbon round the old tree.

Well, that's very good, Hercules. Tell
me, I was wondering, if you don't have

any plans for this evening, maybe you'd
consider coming up to my room for a bit

of fun.

Oh, no, I don't like to plan that sort
of thing. I like it to be a surprise.

Well, I... Could sneak up from behind if
you like.

No, no, no, no, no. There's no time for
all that. Besides, who likes old age

creeping up on them, eh?

Going to put on your new dress for
Hercules, are you?

No, I'm just freshening myself up.

Love you, love, Hercules.

Love you, love, Hercules.

Oh, shut up.

Jeez, you lot of immature ones.

I wonder if all these muscles are as
big, eh?

And then I thought I'd finish up my act
with a Donner summer medley. I think

I'll wear something tight -fitting, you
know, really hugging around the waist.

Maybe some flares or something.

And we need some dancing girls.

Hey, we could call them the
Hurtfulettes.

Hercules, do you really believe this is
the reason why Zeus has sent you here?

Oh, well, no, I'm not bothered. I think
I know the reason why Zeus sent you

here. Hey, I'm still talking to you, you
rude bugger.

Chad, what did you mean by saying
that...

What sort of crowd do you think we'd
pull if we announced that the great

Hercules was going to marry your
daughter in a club, eh? Now all we've

is convince him that's why he's been
sent here.

Jeez, you're a top kisser.

Stretch, tell us if anyone comes, okay?

All right.

Testiculi, you and I have got a chore.

I'm glad you two told me you were in
love. Well, I would have found out

You know us little fellas, we love
sticking our nose in other people's

So, does he have to be around? Doesn't
he have a girlfriend or something?

I never have sex unless someone puts me
up to it.

Oh, don't worry about him. The bed's
taller than his anyway.

Hey, have you spoken to your dad about
it yet?

Oh, no, why?

Dad's still pissed off that your mum's
club's doing better than his beer

Well, what are we going to do? You still
want to marry? me, don't you? Unless,

of course, you don't love me anymore.

Of course I still love you.

Aren't I still your big, hunky, funky
sex machine?

Yeah, it's fine, son.

No, sorry. I wasn't listening.

Yum.

I'll tell you what, Ted. This place lays
on a really good smorgasbord. You can

do with some knives and forks, though.
But apart from that, I've got no

complaint. Let me tell you, I've eaten
in many places. I remember one place

where I ate once. Where was that? It was
a city on the coast.

Oh, yeah, to mania. Excuse me.

No, no, that's fine. You go right ahead.
I'll just keep on talking to myself.

There was another place where I ate. Oh,
yeah, botulinia. That's right. Oh,

yeah, of course.

Thank you, dear.

What's the word from Latia? She said
she'd rather be thrown from it.

Oh, yeah, she's always doing that. But
does she want to marry Hercules?

She'll do as I say, Ted.

What you been doing, huh?

Oh, nothing much. Just organizing your
wedding.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold the phone.
Who am I marrying?

Oh, I forgot to tell you. It's a custom
in these parts that if you save a girl

from drowning, you must marry her.

I'd hate to have a job as a lifesaver in
this town.

Oh, you don't have to worry.

Lavia said she could never marry a
pinhead.

She called me a pinhead?

It's a pity that the biggest one is
between your ears.

Oh, that's unfair.

There's nothing between my ears.

I'll show her the bitch. I'll break her
face. I'll snap her head. No, no, no,

no. Calm down, Herc. Calm down.

Okay, maybe Zeus did send me here to
marry your daughter, but I'd better just

check with him first, okay? Yeah, fine,
fine.

Be okay.

Oh, mighty Zeus, speak to me, your
humble servant.

You'd better stand. He's pretty formal.

Almighty Zeus, command of me what you
will.

Well... Zeus, give me a break.

Come on, there's people down here
watching.

Zeus,

it's me, Herc.

Come on, it was your idea to send me
here.

Oh, God, how stupid of me, of course.

It's Tuesday night. Half price of the
pictures.

Nope, I won't be able to get in contact
with them.

Well, that does put a whole new
perspective on things, doesn't it? I

you can't contact Zeus, how do we know
you're a real Achilles, eh? You could be

a pretender, mate. Yeah.

Hey, that's another song I could do in
my act. The Great Pretender. Yeah, look,

I could come out like this, okay?

Oh, yes, I'm a great pretender.

That's fine, Achilles, fine.

Yeah, I got it.

Why don't you do something for us to
prove that you are Hercules? A little

so to speak. A test?

Yes, a test.

Oh, what sort of test?

Put him in the river.

What? In the river.

Oh, yes, that's a good one. You see,
there's his polluted river. Straight up.

Only Hercules can swim through that
shit.

Yes.

Okay, Hercules, this is the filthiest
part of the river, right near the

outlet. Oh.

I'll make sure to keep my mouth closed.
Better tie this rope around you. Well,

why? Well, in case you drown, we can
tell the difference between you and the

other turds. Oh, okay.

Jay, what a man.

Incredible.

Nah, big whoops. I what? I think you
should marry Hercules.

He's got such a beautiful physique.

Ma 'am, with all those muscles, he looks
like a condom full of walnuts.

Well, don't think you're marrying
testicular. You're marrying hercules.

Oh, get real, Mum. I'm not marrying
someone with bigger tits than me.

Damn.

Can we hurry this along, guys? I can't
suck this gut in forever.

That's one of the dumbest things I've
seen anyone do.

Well, thanks.

Especially considering all those sharks
in those waters, you know.

Sharks? Nobody told me anything about
sharks in there. Oh, yes, there's

of them. They're only white point as
your big girl's blouse.

Hercules and he wants to marry Labia.
How do we get Labia to agree to marry

God, we should clean these cups more
often. Look at all the shit in that. Oh,

come on, you Benny Hill show reject.
What are we going to do?

Well, I think I'll ask Fanny to help us.

Fanny? But she's only the club's cook.

Well, I happen to have a little plan
that entails using our Fanny, the queen

the crepes.

Okay, that's seafood flying by for table
number 8, got it?

No way, Muriel. You're going to have to
find yourself another girl.

Look, Fanny, we only want you to pretend
to be a medium. Say that Zeus is

talking through you and then you... And
then tell everyone that Hercules and

Labia must marry.

Yeah, I know what you want, but I ain't
going to do it. I'm telling you now,

Ted, I'm not going to fuck with
Hercules.

Yeah, well, he'd be the only one.

Look, you've got one last chance before
we bring out the heavy artillery.

Forget it. Well, I didn't want to bring
this up.

Remember that slight problem you had
with the vice -squad just recently?

Well, all the boys are in the audience.

All of them?

Who?

And if you're not careful, we'll get
them all to stand up.

And tell us all what you like doing with
hamsters, a wetsuit and a bath full of

custard. Now.

OK, you can count me in.

Spirit world, I highly recommend her. I
suppose she's what you might call an

above -average medium.

I just hope she can get through to Zeus
for me.

Well, if anyone can, Fanny can. She's
renowned for the amount of spirits that

flow through her.

Oh, great.

A medium with a bladder problem.

Anyone care for a crepe while they wait?

I've just been.

Oh, crepe!

Great. Grab me dunger.

All right.

Oh, jeez, that ribena's looking a bit
hot.

She knows grapes anyway. Right, I'll
give you Zeus.

Hercules!

Hercules! It's me, Zeus, your father.
Now, I've got something important to

you. Oh, mighty one.

I am a servant that awaits your command.

Well, that's very reassuring to know.
Now listen, Hercules. The reason I

you to come to this city was not to
appear at the Pink Panther non

nor was it... as others would have you
believe, to marry young Lavier.

Oh, no.

The real reason I wanted you to come
here, Hercules, was to openly reveal to

world your true homosexual tendencies.

Homosexual? What?

Are you trying to tell me that I'm
really a visitor to Vegemite Valley? Oh,

on. Now, listen, Herc. I found you the
perfect partner. His name is

Samson.

Samson?

Is this guy for real or what? Hey,

do you mind? I haven't finished yet.
Now, to prove yourself, you must fight,

Samson. Now, if you win, you can marry
Lavia. But if you lose, you must marry

Samson. Thanks a bundle, Zeus.

Never heard anything so ridiculous in my
life. Me, of all people.

My God, what if he's right?

Well, of course he's not.

Oh, look.

You stupid, great...

What did I do?

I wanted him to come out and declare his
love, not come out of the closet.

Me? I didn't do anything.

One minute I was standing behind the
statue, right? Next minute I was just

floating.

My God, it must have been the real Zeus.

You mean... The real Zeus?

I warned you, didn't I? I told you not
to stuff around with this.

Well, Shakespeare once said, me thinks
we balls this one up severely.

Christ almighty, what are we going to do
about bloody Samson then, eh?

God. I suppose we'll have to send
Charlie out to find him.

Hey, Charlie.

Come on, boys. All in for a drink. Come
on. What about Samson? Could be his

local. Come on, you blokes. We were told
to ride like the wind to find Samson.

What do you mean?

You know, ride like the wind. Ride
really fast. It's like this. I'll show

No, no, no. Wait a minute. Wait a
minute.

Hey, get the hell out of here, you.

You too.

You too, too.

Oh, sorry.

Miller, we've got you here. There we go.

Oh, is that it?

Oh, come on. There must be someone else.
Oh, okay. I love a guy that comes back

from on.

There you go.

Oh, Christ, I've got a great sense of
humour, eh?

Look at you, pal.

You've got a wee bit of dirt on your
cheek.

Now, hold it really, really still. I'll
help you with it, OK?

And... Oh, still there.

Oh,

won't go away, will it?

Hey,

where are you, woman?

I'll be fine. Thanks anyway.

I realise this is an inopportune moment,
but about the bill. Oh, my God.

Bill.

What are you talking about?

What do you mean you want me to pay for
all of that?

I'll check with this bloke. Excuse me,
mate, that bloke in there, is that

Samson?

No, no, it's Ursus, mad scots bastard.

He does this every bloody Friday.

So it's not Samson? No, no, it's Ursus,
I told you. What are you, deaf as well

as stupid?

Look, you can give us a hand here. No,
I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorry. No, no, no, come on,
you've got to do something about him. He

always leaves a place in bloody ruins.
Oh, come on.

Why don't you get yourself a bouncer,
you silly old fart?

Come on, you guys, let's go.

He is the bloody bouncer.

Oh, look out. Oh, my God.

Um, they didn't even help.

Oh, belt up. Now, go and get your
brother, McKismore, and while you're

something about that hair. It's the
worst bloody haircut I've ever seen. Go

Go on. On your back.

Mm -hmm.

What can I do for you? Mrs. Samson, I
presume?

It's Miss Delilah.

My, my, my, Delilah.

Don't you dare think about doing the
next bit. Why, why, why, Delilah?

I warned you. I'm sorry. Look, it's
really imperative that we see Samson.

We brought you a gift, you see?

We brought you a gift, huh?

We brought you a gift.

Is that a gift?

Oh, you bet your buns.

All right, then.

Hell, shall I go?

Jesus, what a pig.

Dear. Wait there.

Look at the square eyes on that eye.

Yes. Samson!

Samson! I'll be in in a minute.

Genuine plastic.

And look at this. My bedroom.

especially for you, eh?

If you agree to come back to Chlamydia
with us and fight Hercules at the Pink

Panthenon. What do you think, dear?

I think it's the most stupid fucking
idea I've ever heard of.

Um, I don't think she's very big on the
idea, actually.

Um, um... Wait, wait.

Wait, wait, wait.

Don't you worry about her. I'll butter
her up.

Can I watch?

Deliver, um... Look,

I don't know what you're so concerned
about. I mean, these gentlemen have

asked me to accompany them back to
Chlamydia to engage in a professional

wrestling match with Hercules. I mean, I
can beat him, and I won't get hurt, so

what's the problem, eh?

Save it, Samson. You gave me your word
that you'd never fight again after that

man was killed.

Bit unfair bringing that up. You stabbed
him.

Don't split hairs.

All right, go off your mark.

Thanks, Del.

Okay, you blokes can pick me up first
thing in the morning, okay?

I'm going to fight Achilles.

I'm going to fight Achilles.

Samson, a word of warning. Don't let her
cut your hair, will you?

Oh, you don't believe that old story
about me losing my strength if someone

my hair, do you? No, I just love those
cute little pigtails.

Bye.

And don't slam that fucking door.

Sorry.

Okay, just put this back up here.

And don't slam the fucking door, Samson.

Right.

Listen, love, you're not going to regret
your decision. I'm telling you, we can

make some big bucks on this one.

You mean you can go into town and whore
around?

Find yourself some beautiful young
thing.

Oh, what would I want with a beautiful
young thing when I've got you, eh?

Swabugger.

You know, Del, it's going to be good to
get back to Chlamydia again. I haven't

been there since I was a teenager,
cruising the main street on a Saturday

picking up chicks in me chariot.

You know, Del, sometimes I amaze myself.

at how truly boring I really am.

Even bore the shit out of meself.

Now I've really got you by the short and
curlies.

I'm

off

to the bigs. Smoke, I got myself a big
fight lined up with Achilles.

Fuck.

Oh,

bloody hell.

Hey, hang on a sec. My hair feels
shorter.

You under those cushions?

Nope. Under the heat? Nope.

Oh, no, you're hiding in that tiny
little bloody box again, aren't you?

No.

What's this?

Hey!

Why'd you cut my hair?

To stop you from going into the city.

Now, you're going to stay here with me
and you're going to like it.

So stop...

Did I say you could stop singing?

Oh, no. I'm sorry. I'm physical.

Physical. I want to get physical.

Let's get it.

Let's get it. Let's get it. Let's get
it.

Here you go, sir.

Oh, did you piss on that? Oh, God.

Hey, you. Oh, you're doing great. You're
doing marvellous. But you, pal, you're

doing the melodies. You should be doing
the harmonies, OK? Oh, sorry. I'm sorry

about that. Now get it right for
Christ's sake.

Come here.

Oh, gotcha. Now you get out of here, you
dummy.

You think he's still in there?

It's possible.

You could be right.

I knew that bitch would cut the sentence
out. I hope this Scottish bugger can

help us.

I say, you're a bit old for rolling the
hay.

Come here, you wee devil.

Oh, don't. I swear I'll throw up. Oh,
great.

Kinky, too.

Oh, come on, darling. You won't feel a
thing. Well, that's what all me ex

-girlfriends have said about me anyway.

Excuse me, sir. Give me a hand. This man
here, he's a pervert. Hey, bugger off,

pal. I saw it first, eh?

I knew that'd stop him.

It's...

Money! And it's all yours.

Who do you want me to beat up?

I'd beat myself up for this much.

I want a man.

All right, like that is it, Nancy boy.
Oh, I get you.

I want you to get someone for me. I want
that chappy Samson.

Oh, move your head, will you?

Right.

I think that was you, actually.

Oh, dear.

And I don't want him hurt, all right?

No worries.

Samson is a pushover at the moment, but
look out for the wife.

She's a bit of a bruiser.

Don't panic.

He'll love those padded shoulders, pal.

Christ, are you stuck in the haystack
again? Come on. Up you come.

Right.

OK, up we go, and... Right.

One, two, three.

Howie!

Big whizzy!

Oh, it's all right, son. He's gone.

Gone? Ah, thanks to these kind
gentlemen, I finally got rid of bloody

well, then I'll get it. No, no, no, no,
no, no. Come inside.

I'll have some of your most fettuccine.
Oh, that lovely vegetable sauce, my man.

That's the one. Hey, Charlie, tell me,
can we trust this Ursus, eh?

Hey, hey, hey. What?

Can we trust this Ursus? Oh, yes, yes.

He promised me he'd be discreet.

What do you want?

Here, I'm going to help you.

Hey, you. You with the funny heart. You
sample.

Yeah?

Should have said no, eh?

I'd seal my love bite.

Gizmo is very considerate. Oh, he's
always been like that. Ever since I can

remember, he's always enjoyed bending
over backwards for people. Know what I

mean? I'll bet.

There you go, Mumsy. All finished. Look,
I'd really better get going now, okay?

All right. Bye -bye, darling.

See you later, Mum.

Don't talk to any strange men.

Oh, Christ, if only.

Oh, look, Mum, don't forget about the
interior decorator's ball.

But I can't dance.

It's not a dance, Mum. It's a raffle.

Careful on the road.

I love this bit.

And... Come on, Cyril.

I know what boys like. I know what guys
want.

I've got a headache.

It doesn't get any better, eh?

carrying an unconscious guy into a pub.

Boy, boy! Help again?

Oh, give it a rest, lad. Now, go get
your brother McKismore again. That's it.

Oh, we're careful, lad.

God.

Wouldn't know if somebody was helping
him sideways with an arm full of deck

chairs. He really wouldn't.

No, no, no, no, no, no. It's impossible.
We can't rig the fight.

Well, what about my reputation as the
strongest man alive?

You can live with it. Oh, if I lose this
fight, I'll be a laughingstock.

Hey, what if I fight someone else?

What about these two old farts over
here? I could do them easy enough.

If I lose this fight, my reputation is
buggered.

If I win the fight, I've got to marry
Hercules and I'm buggered again.

I think he's acting pretty badly, too.

Oh, you think he's only pretending to be
a piss -weak little wimp, eh?

Maybe, yeah.

Wait here, I'll sort this out.

Now, listen, I want a word with you, but
I don't want Samson to know what we're

talking about. Do you understand?

Yeah, okay, sit down next to me and make
it look like you're chatting me up

again.

Now, that's good, yeah.

And then... Oh, that's great, that's
great, I love it.

Hey,

you, right, can your mother sew?

Well, tell her to put a few stitches in
this, eh?

You've got a funny way of saying hello,
you know that?

I'm trying to provoke you into a fight,
pal. Now I'm really going to insult you.

I'm really angry now. You know what you
are? You're a big poop.

Big poop?

All right, them's fighting words, Jimmy.

I'm going to knock your teeth so far
down your throat you'll have bite marks

your sphincter. Now come here, eh?

Look at that.

You got a wee bit of dirt on your cheek.

Let me help you with it, okay?

Samson, run for it.

Come on, Samson, you great tool. Make a
run for it. Come on, Samson.

Let me help you out, pal.

Door's that way.

Christ,

it's not often they're thrown at me.

Better keep him just in case.

If this doesn't belong to anyone, I'll
have him.

Darling, it's that bloody ass. He's back
again.

Did you hit him?

What if I did?

What are you picking on him for?

You big bully.

You want to take his place?

I'll fight you on one condition.

That you lower your nipple.

Thanks very much.

Hey,

come on. Let's watch this from outside,
huh? Come on.

Right, mate. Come on.

Let's do some more damaging.

Come on.

And pancake head.

And again.

Why not? One more.

Hold on a second, will you? I'm all
sweaty, you know.

That's better. Come on.

Be nice to you. The next punch after
this one won't connect, okay?

Oh, the curtains.

I'll just put them out. Come here, you.

That's a really nice aftershave you're
wearing, eh? What's it called?

Geronimo!

And bright pink tea tree.

And... Oh,

I'll give you half an hour to stop.

Oh, my God. Oh, no, that's one month of
paper mache. Call him.

Right,

fight's over.

Right, mate, cop this, then.

What?

I want the whole wall done in a lovely
puce, all right?

Yeah, they love.

Love.

The kismet.

That's what Mumsy named me.

Sit down, will you?

Oh, I'd love to.

Samson here, you see.

Samson here has a very important
question he'd like to ask you, is he?

Yeah, do you know how to get wine stains
out of this cloth? Look, I'll fix that

up later. Listen, what are you guys
doing here? What's all this about

They want me to find Hercules, but I'm
not going to do it.

He is going to do it, and that's the end
of it. Zeus has decreed there's no way

out, you see. When your god says to beat
the living shit out of someone, you do

it. That's what religion is all about.

I'm an atheist.

It doesn't matter. You're still going to
do it, I say.

Hey, fellas, I hope you don't mind me
interrupting or anything.

Just thought I heard you talking about
the fight, and I was wondering, can I

come too, eh? Come with us. Why not? The
more muscles, the merrier, eh?

One other thing. This film is originally
in Italian, right?

And what my character is saying now,
well, there's no literal translation

English, you see. So I was wondering, if
it's okay with you guys, that is, if we

could skip to the next scene where we're
all riding towards the city on horses,

eh?

Oh, great, thanks very much, that's
right, yeah.

Oh, come

on, guys, will you give a fucking laugh,
for Christ's sake?

Samson! Samson? Here already?

God, he can't see me like this. I
haven't got enough baby oil on my

Fuck you, stupid.

Oh, shit.

Fuck.

Hey!

Anywhere don't you stick your line? He's
gone to see his father.

Oh, look, I can see right up your nose,
eh?

Look who it is.

Testy, my old son.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Hey, come here and give your old man a
big okay, son.

Come here, son. Come here, son. Get
those arms out. Get those arms out. Come

child man, you're talking to me. Get
those arms out, sonny. Bring him up,

Give your old man a big bear. Okay, come
on, sonny. Come on, come on.

Hey,

Dad, I've got to talk to you. Now,
listen, son. I want to introduce you to

someone. See that Sheila up there on the
patio? Isn't she a little beauty?

Yeah, Dad, it's really important. I said
shut up.

Now listen, son. It's about time you and
I had a talk about what you're going to

do with your bloody life, eh?

We'll pick the bones out of that one,
eh?

Jesus, sorry, son. Had some prawns for
lunch there.

Cool. They must have been off, eh?

Well, they did.

I said shut up.

Bloody tail.

Now look at her, son.

She's smart.

She's pretty.

She's witty.

And her old man owns a brewery.

Everything a man could look for in a
wife?

Do you get what I'm trying to tell you,
son?

Of course I do, Dad, and I hope you'll
be really happy together in that, eh?

Those fucking prawns, eh?

Dad!

Listen, son, I'm not going to marry her.
You're going to marry her.

That's it.

That's right, mastermind. You're going
to marry her.

Oh, listen, son. We need her old man's
business.

Hey, and don't you even think of going
anywhere near that bloody Sheila from

Pink Panther not again, all right? Now,
do you get what I'm trying to tell you,

son? Well, do you? Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, where are you going?

To a party.

Well, can I come?

Oh, get... Get real, Dad. You're a
social embarrassment.

Great turnout.

If Hercules wins the fight, imagine how
many we'll have for the wedding.

If he finds out you tricked him, do you
think he'll have as many for your

funeral?

She's a great girl, isn't she?

Daddy's there. What?

What about Fanny?

No, no, we're just good friends, aren't
we?

She's wearing your underpants.

Yeah, well, obviously we're very good
friends, aren't we?

Oh,

look, jelly deals.

I'd wrestle her any time.

Oh, you're such a bitch.

Get away from me, you poof.

Mind if I join you, girl?

Look at that, will you? Look at that.

You know what would look good on that
girl?

Me.

Christ, I love classy lines like that, I
do.

Who, her?

Yeah, she's all right. But she's not as
good as my lab here.

By the way, where is she?

Oh, the fight's about to start.

Oh, thanks.

Oh,

um, Samson?

Huh? How do you think you'll do?

I think he'll kick nine colors of shit
out of me, actually.

Oh, right.

I think I'm gonna...

Cheerio, cheerio.

Isn't it about time we got this show on
the road? I think you've had enough to

drink there, love. Any more of those and
you'll be under the weight.

Be gentle.

No. Yep.

That miserable, ungrateful, deceitful,
disgusting, disrespectful, disobedient

cat. What's up, love?

Something the matter? That child of mine
has run off with the pleb from the bee

garden.

Perfect.

Exactly what we wanted.

I'll send a couple of the boys around
and maybe we can even persuade Hercules

go, if you get my drift. Will do you?

Do you? Do you?

Do you?

No.

I know. We can send Hercules off to find
her. We can persuade him. I'm sure we

could. You're not as stupid as everyone
says, Muriel.

Really? No.

I'm dead.

You wouldn't want to put an end to this
horrible display of humiliation, would

you?

Well, what's the problem then?

You see, it's Labia. She's been
kidnapped.

I must go after her.

Now you're talking, Squire. I'll
organize a crack legion of our toughest

to go with you and help retrieve the
lovely Labia from the evil clutches

Shut the fuck up. I don't need their
help. I'm a loner. For you see... I've

traveled each and every highway.

But more, much more than this.

I've done it my...

Well, I didn't expect the earth to move.

But I least expected you to.

Oh, Testy, you're so romantic.

I can't wait.

You know... Oh, Jesus, it's going to be
so good when we're married. I've never

been in love like this before.

Yeah, but can I be on top next time,
please?

Ow!

Now, I warned you about going out with
that bloody sheila, didn't I?

Bring that special goat's piss mouthwash
over here.

Ah,

yummy.

Now, what about you, darling? What have
you got to say for yourself, eh?

I don't understand all this.

What exactly have you got against me,
anyway?

Oh, what have I got against her?

Well,

I'll tell you, son.

I'll tell you what I've got against her,
mate. She's a bloody yuppie. That's

what I've got against her, mate.

Dad, you're just jealous that her mum's
club is doing better than this beer guy.

Oh, that's not it, son. It's the way she
acts, mate.

All right, this place doesn't have a spa
and a sauna, but at least the bloody

clientele aren't stuck up.

And all right, there's a few cockroaches
running around the place, but they just

add character, eh?

There goes another one, and I'm proud of
it.

Are you always like this? Why so aggro?

Easy.

He's paranoid.

He keeps thinking people are trying to
run him over.

Aggro, eh? You reckon I'm aggro.

Well, let me tell you something,
darling. The only reason I get bloody

because I care about what happens to my
one and only bloody son, eh?

Come here, fuckknuckle. I want a word
with you.

Who?

I said, come here.

Who?

Now, I've never told you this before,
and I think it's about time I did. I

Labia's mother once.

No, tell a lie, it was twice, actually.
Nice bottle of wine back at the drive

-in, you know what I mean, eh?

Why are you trying to tell me that you
could be Levy's father?

Oh, no,

I'm just bragging.

But what I am very well saying is
there's no way in the world that you're

to marry that girl, right? Now grab the
mongrel.

Take him away and give him the beer
garden torture.

Five buckets of creme de menthe.

Dad, nothing you do is going to stop me
marrying the girl I love.

Fair enough. Might get ten buckets.

Oops, nearly got me.

Hey, somebody cut the toes out of her
boobs, man.

We're stumped.

Chip off the old block, eh?

Rightio, let's get this barbecue going.
Come on, line her up.

How's that? How's that?

Get in the way.

Bigger, bigger, bigger.

While you're standing in that bucket,
you want mine? if I borrow this.

Why?

I won't take it out of your ass, pal.

You said we were having a porn and prawn
night, not a bloody barbecue.

Grab the mongrel.

Wrong mongrel.

Try to check out my boots, levy, and
then stop.

Ta -da!

I'm here!

Oh,

it'll

take more than two of you. Oh, shit.

Why'd you all fall down? I missed the
lot of you. Oh, you again.

gotta get myself a new club. This rubber
one is crap.

Oh, my fucking throat.

Labir,

I've come to save you. It's wedding
time. I beat Samson.

I could beat you with my legs tied
behind my hands, mate.

I beg your pardon?

No, Jesse, don't, please.

Come here, pally boy. I'm going to cut
the tails out of your boots, okay?

Come on.

Now, somebody cut the toes out of his
boots.

Is that all right?

It's nothing personal, Hercules.

It's not just because you're a jerk.

You see, it's because, well, I love him.

And I'm going to have his baby.

Somebody's been telling me...

No, more than usual, no.

No, no? Then how come nobody told me
that Labier was in love with another

God, you made me look really silly
bursting into that beer garden, you

Well, somebody had to save her.

Yeah, listen, Moosh, they would have
done some pretty horrible things to her,

and if you had... You made me look
silly.

Do you know how hard it is to be a
bodybuilder these days with all the

going around? And, of course, the well
-known rumors about your tiny weenie...

Yep, yep, yep. That is the thing that
bugs me the most.

It is not true that all bodybuilders
have got little pee -pees, okay? So

it. The wedding's cancelled.

Bless you.

Now, Zeus, your old man, remember?

Now, whichever way you look at it, he
still told you to marry Labia, didn't

eh?

That's right.

And you can't betray your own god.

I mean, do you remember what happened to
the last man who betrayed Zeus?

He turned him into an accountant.

God,

I forgot about Zeus.

I guess I'll have to marry her.

Darn.

It's just that, you know...

I feel like a heel, you know.

I mean, she doesn't love me.

But I can cope with this on my own
because... I don't have

plans and schemes.

I don't have hopes and dreams.

I don't have anything.

Oh, hello.

Do you like what I've done to the plane?

What? Oh, yeah, yeah, it's great. I love
it, I love it, yeah.

Look, we've still got to get married.
Zeus said so, remember?

What's so funny?

Oh, great, she's a spastic.

That wasn't Zeus inside the statue. That
was...

little guy.

Yeah, that's okay. I'll only hurt him a
little then.

So you see, Hercules, you don't have to
marry me at all.

Yeah, yeah, but that still doesn't solve
the problem of how we're going to

convince your mother to let you marry
Testiculi, does it? No, not at all.

if you're agreeable, I do have this sort
of plan.

What?

That's right.

That's right. You've all been caught. He
tried to kill you. Actually, hold on a

second there, Labier.

Yo, bullet head.

Sit down so I can finish the film.

Hey, Labier, check out the guy in the
third row.

Emotional moment for a mother when one
loses one's daughter.

Well, you're not losing a daughter.
You're gaining a pinhead.

She's very pretty.

What do you think? A visioning wife.
From what I've heard, she's got a nerve

wearing white.

Well, Ellie, tell us about her. Come on,
Ellie. Shut up!

I could do him. I don't know. He looks
kind of tough.

Now, hold on. You're not going to marry
Labby and me. No, you are. And you're

also going to be the only man who ever
beat the snot out of Hercules.

What?

That's right.

Hercules is going to help. If you beat
him in a fight, Mum will have to let us

get married.

I could have beaten him in a fair fight,
you know, if only my hair was longer.

Now listen, Paul, can I have a word with
you?

In 93 days!

Rebats! And... So

this guy wants to fight me again, huh?

Okay, I'll give him a fight. But first
I'll get rid of this cardboard T -shirt.

Right, come on then.

for the big final fight scene. Except
you. Back in the pool.

Now,

who's

fighting who? Let's organize this
properly.

Okay,

if I get hit by a tooth, then I'll hit
him again.

And then I'll get up real quick and hit
him.

Have you guys noticed how some of this
water is really brown and some of it's

really blue, like in a swimming pool,
you know?

Ha!

Good red -handed.

You thought you could pull the wool out
of my eyes.

You can't get away with this, McBain.

Stop it! We're busy!

Hands up!

Hands up!

Hands up!

You know, you and whose army? You know,
you're misleading the theatre going

badly!

Anyone, and I mean anyone, who tries to
stop us finishing this film is gonna get

bit, okay?

You can't threaten me.

Oh, I just did that.

Oh, just because you're using the voice
of some mythical hero doesn't mean to

say that you are one, sonny. You know
what I'm gonna do to you?

I'm gonna chew you up and spit you out,
you little turd.

If that's any indication of your dietary
habits, it certainly explains your

breath. I'm going to grind you to a
pulp.

You couldn't grind your teeth, you old
fart.

Don't you get it? You can't intimidate
me anymore, Ken. I'm not one of your

slimy little underlings. Not like that
assistant of yours. God, he's such a

brown nose that instead of a
handkerchief, he uses toilet paper.

Watch out!

now then?

Skip to the end of the movie. I want to
see the fight.

The least we can do is give it a happy
ending.

Let's see now. Ah, right. Well, Labia
and Testiculi, a couple that by

were destined to be joined together,
were married. And guess what? They

little Stretch.

But what of our four superheroes?

Well, what indeed?

Samson went on to marry Delilah and they
went on to host a popular television

chat show, Good Morning Athenia.

Machismo went on to become a fully
qualified hairdresser.

Ursus went on and on and on and nobody
could shut him up. And Hercules went on

to become a failed nightclub singer who
couldn't remember the words to his songs

but still commanded a million dollars a
gig. And for them, everything was dandy.

Dandy, is that a bit mincey?

Yes, you've got a point there. Oh, yes,
I've got it.

Everything was...

Well,

that wasn't too bad, was it, eh?

It's not amazing that a film made in the
60s could have such topical records. I

loved it. I'd give it a five.

Look out, McBain!

Brad!

Brad, Brad!

Brad, it's all work and it's only a
film!

I'm not fighting for the film!

I'm fighting for the film getting public
in the world!

We're fighting for your life, Scotty.

I've got you now, boy.

Don't be fooled by tonight, McBain. You
won't succeed. I'll destroy you.

Brad! Remember Clark Gable? Mutiny on
the Bounty.

The 1935 version.

Oh, God!

Oh, for God's sakes, Brad. Finish him
off. I need a drink. Stay out of this,

girl. This is man's business.

You shouldn't have said that.

Looks like we've got a hit on our hands.

Let's party!

Yay!

The

name

is Hercules. I'm the son of a god.

Thick as a brick, but a beautiful bod.

I am tough and I am strong.

I like bursting into song. You didn't
know that Herc was a singer.

You didn't know that Herc was a swinger?
This is my voice. Yo, don't be silly.

Who'd you think I am, Vanilla?

I'm no legend. I am real.

Son of a God with two sex appeal.

Ask any girl what they think of Herc.
They like waking up with the jerk. Now,

this story starts with my father's zoo.
A nice guy thought he'd think I'm a

goose. He said he was sending me on a
quest, and when I got to town, he'd tell

me the rest.

I had to know. I had to act. What's the
worth of this task?

He couldn't find nobody better. Not even
that whip. Oh, Schwarzenegger!

running along.

I saw a motion. There's this girl
drowning in the ocean. So I dived in and

like a fish and saved the life of this
lovely day.

I said that I told her I met her mommy.
She'd got a nice club and talked kind of

funny. She had it in mind that I should
marry her daughter. A little reward for

saving her from the water.

I'm in love with this other guy, a funny
dude called Testicular.

A scrawny little one, he is indeed, like
someone wrapped a toga round a weed.

I had to prove that I was a bet. I
sucked in my gut and puffed out my

I'll fight Samson to prove I'm bold.
That big word couldn't fight a cold.

But Delilah's wife said it wasn't fair.
She zapped his strength by cutting his

hair. Samson wasn't happy he could not
win. So when we fought, I beat the...

of him. As I threw Samson to the ground,
I asked him what he thought of my

sound. He said, Hurt, now listen to me.

This song is wrapped with a capital C.

right? He didn't get me here to have a
cute fight. I was here for one reason,

one reason alone, to get these two
married and put her on the throne. Oh,

that's two reasons. So I didn't get the
girl. That ain't so bad. At least I made

everybody glad I'm a bachelor again, but
I ain't crying if I don't have a girl

like an always pumped iron.

Everybody say yo.

Oh, come on, guys. This is my one big
shot at stardom. Come on, everybody say

yo.

Okay, fair enough.

Yep, that's me, the big guy.

And you know what? I've always wanted to
be a singer. And you know why? Because

the singers always get the chance.

Whoa.

Well, hello there, darling.

Would you care to go out with the son of
a gun?

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, then. Well, I'll tell you what.

I'll get my old man's chair, and we can
go out on Friday night.

Where'd you go?

Oh, great story of my life.