Original subtitles

So, that's it, gentlemen and ladies.

Once again, we've acquired the best films, and we'll show them in the best

theatres.

This'll be a great summer for Kent Cinemas.

The increased ticket prices, the 25 % hiking concessions, we're looking at a

-fold profit leap.

I have devoted my life to making the Kent Cinema Corporation the most

chain in the country.

You could say that I've spent a lifetime pulling this chain together.

Thank you.

Haven't seen it? Man, I don't believe it. What about Kirk Douglas in The

of Alcatraz? There's a brilliant example of American film... Burt Lancaster.

Excuse me?

It was Burt Lancaster in The Birdman from Alcatraz, not Kirk Douglas.

Oh, just some wanker.

Now, what was I saying?

The Kent 30.

Culmination of years of planning.

Fully automatic candy counters, ticket dispensers. The only staff needed are a

couple of usherettes and one projectionist.

Stuff the unions. They're not going to stop us on this one.

We've moved the seats closer together to fit more people in.

It'll be a bit tight, but that's showbiz.

And if you could eliminate the public, you'd have the perfect cinema complex.

There'll be a cop number.

Four...

Sir. Bain.

A new strategy for summer?

You could say that, sir.

Is this some kind of joke?

No, sir.

What do you mean you quit?

You're a valuable member of the team.

I pay you well, don't I?

It's just that I'm not happy here, sir.

Not happy.

Bullshit! We're all happy. You're happy, aren't you, Rappaport?

You're working for the biggest distribution company in the country,

could you possibly do somewhere else?

This is fascinating, sir. I'm going to open my own theatre.

What? I'm going to reopen the old Picture Palace.

We've got an eight -screen multiplex just around the corner, McBain. I don't

like competition.

I squash it.

You're going to fail, son.

Not because you haven't got what it takes, but because I'll personally see

you fail. Now, get out!

I've never liked you, McBain.

You're a maverick.

You're an idealist.

And you're fired!

But I resigned.

I am the biggest and the best, and I intend to stay that way.

Any chance for a reference?

Out.

Excuse me, mate. Do you know a guy named Sprocket?

No, but I know a man called Horse and a boy named Sue.

Yeah, good on you. Look, he's a tall guy.

Wears glasses. He can be a bit temperamental.

You're not listening to me. Hey, mate.

Now, I'll ask you just one more time.

Do you agree that Martin Scorsese injects some autobiographical content

majority of his films?

You're a class act, Sprocket. I can.

Oh, Brad McClane, you old bum!

Two more beer sacks, Nev.

How are you? Good, I'm dead.

Still peddling mainstream muck to the masses, huh? Yeah.

Are you still head projectionist at the Thrust and Grunt Emporium? If you mean

am I showing tasteful erotica to a select adult clientele, the answer is

select adult clientele? They'd buy their raincoats at a candy bar.

I didn't have any bloody choice in the matter, you know that.

Kent controls this town.

If you disagree with him, you're out.

I quit this morning.

You're joking.

No, I resigned.

Finito.

Well, what are you going to do now?

Jesus.

The old picture palace, eh?

This place has been dark for years.

Not anymore, mate. You're looking at the new manager.

You?

You couldn't organise a fart at a curry eating contest.

Oh, thanks for your support, my optimistic old mate.

Come on.

Imagine what this place could be like when we fix it up.

So I suppose this is where you try and lure me away from my prestigious

to come and work for you. Correct.

Well, have to be a lucrative offer.

All right, I'll pay your shit wages and you can live in the theatre.

Done. You drive a hard bargain.

I'm a great little upstart.

Say yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

Listen, King, I want you to... Yes, sir?

I'll wait till I've finished.

Yes, sir.

I want you to find out all about McBain for me.

What films he's programming.

Talk to his distributors.

That sort of thing.

Thinks he can go into competition with me, does he?

We'll see about that.

Now, sir?

Yeah, now.

Yes, sir.

Well, get out.

Yes, sir.

Miss McKenzie, I find myself in a particularly foul mood. Send somebody

can fire.

Yes, sir.

What is it about the last minute? So, how do you like the accommodation?

Well, there's no ventilation, it's cramped, it's dark.

I love it.

Ah, Sprocket, it's about your wages. The position isn't permanent, but once the

place is up and running... And sowing some profit, you'll get most of it off

top and still pay me shit wages?

Here, here it is.

Be still, my raging hormones. Who is this?

If there's a God in heaven, she's come about the job as the publicist.

She's hired.

Sorry to trouble you, but haven't we met?

I don't think so.

Shit. I'm sure I'd remember those two.

Watch out. Here comes my husband.

Classy joint.

I thought you were going to punch him for a minute.

Cheers to a long and happy relationship at the Picture Palace.

Oh, can I ask you a question?

Yeah, sure.

You sure you know what you're doing?

No.

But I'm going to run the old picture palace like the old days, you know.

Usherette selling ice creams in the aisles.

Cartoons. Maybe even get the old organ going.

Make it an event again.

Well, it sounds great.

Open at night.

Have you got any ideas?

Well, I was looking at the old posters outside the theatre.

Why don't we open up with the last film that was on at the Picture Palace?

It's a great gimmick and it certainly shows people that you're willing to

to the old ways. That's great.

That's really great.

I wonder what the last film was.

Fantastic. Congratulations.

What a great turn. Bit nervous. Have we got enough champagne?

Brad, relax.

Everything's organised.

Sure, you sure?

Good luck, Lisa. Good luck, Brad. Why is everybody smiling at you? Have I got

something on my teeth?

Oh, look, enjoy yourself. This is your night.

Lady Farquhar. Say hello to Lady Farquhar.

Brad!

Brad! Charlie.

Brad. I've got a problem.

What? Good luck.

It's in Italian.

What? The film, it's in Italian.

It's in Italian?

What are we going to do? We've got to show them something.

We can't put a spoiler. I've got a few slides.

I've got a documentary on tulips.

Great, that'll be great.

It's that bastard.

He can't.

He's behind this for sure.

Brad, what are we going to do?

We'll dub it.

What? We'll stop it. We'll do the voices.

Come on.

Come on. Stop it.

I'm looking forward to this.

Me too. I love movies with musclemen in them.

What the hell is this for?

Thunder.

We haven't even seen.

Don't ask me.

Print the bastard. Print it. If you take the print, we're not going to show

Hercules, aren't we?

Guys, guys, we've got a show to do.

Of course I checked it. I saw it myself.

Guys, can you do all the girls' voices?

That's brilliant.

I'm finishing.

I just want to thank this opportunity to take part.

Pause. Pause.

We're not doing the Italian world, don't remember?

Now say it again, this time in English, all right?

Oh, uh, good shot.

I was aiming for you.

Now, Frank, I'm impertinent. I have a very important job for you, which

you to go on a long journey. I'm on my way.

Oh, great one.

I haven't told you where yet, pinhead.

Father. I am but mere mortal.

I am nothing but the toe jam from between your mighty feet.

Am I worthy to fulfill this important task for you?

Well, I tried, Schwarzenegger, but I couldn't understand the bugger. Look, go

the city of Tamedia and I'll talk to you there.

This journey will give me the chance to grow, the chance to learn, and, well,

the chance to beat the living snot out of other muscle men.

Hathaway!

Don't tell him he's going the wrong way.

Well, I met this bloke at the pub the other night, right, and he's an art

collector. And you know what he says to me? He says, would I like to go to his

place and see his Warhol?

Well, it was kind of disappointing, because when I got there, he just showed

a painting.

What the hell is she on about?

a guy for a swim?

That'd be grand!

This looks like a job for Hercules.

Don't worry, darling. I'll be there in a second.

See? I told you.

Don't struggle. I'm here to save you.

Hold on. I said don't struggle.

Oh,

black undies.

Yeah, I'd forgotten about her.

Oh, good on you, Hercules. Her mum would have killed us if she drowned.

Yeah, her mum runs a pink panther on.

It's the night spot in Chlamydia.

What? Chlamydia?

Your mother runs a nightclub. Tell me, is it far out? No, this is just in front

of you. No, no, I mean, does she play really groovy music?

Oh, it depends on your taste. Well, you know, the good stuff like Tony Orlando

and Dawn.

Tie a yellow ribbon round the old low tree.

It's been... Can't find a new act.

All right, what about that singer from Crete? You know, Kylie Minogos.

Listen, love, I'll find someone.

Let me think.

There must be thousands of acts out there.

Yeah. What about that exotic dancer, you know?

She does that thing with a vacuum cleaner.

But she sucks.

Yeah, yeah, that's the one. Yeah, yeah.

Listen, Muriel, love, I'll find someone to please an audience.

Your average audience these days is bloody stupid anyway.

No offence. We'll be right.

Don't you just love that music?

Look, I know you saved my life, but get your hand off my left tit and put me

down. Oh, there's no need to be grateful. I do this sort of thing all

I'm always saving virgins. Virgin?

Are you serious?

I've seen more knobs than a locksmith.

Anyway, I suppose I'd better introduce you to me, Mom.

Darling,

you haven't been hanging around the gymnasium again, have you? Mom, who do

reckon's the dumbest man in the world?

Naturally, my horse did, of course.

It's such an honor for me to meet you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Nearly fell. Nearly fell.

Nope. There is a very special reason as to why I have come here.

Zeus has sent me here.

What? Zeus has sent me here for a purpose.

What did he say?

I don't know. I said a purpose. Oh, that's like a little dolphin, isn't it?

Ted.

And Labier tells me that you're looking for a new act for your nightclub.

Well, look no further.

Tie a yellow ribbon round the old tree.

Well, that's very good, Hercules. Tell me, I was wondering, if you don't have

any plans for this evening, maybe you'd consider coming up to my room for a bit

of fun.

Oh, no, I don't like to plan that sort of thing. I like it to be a surprise.

Well, I... Could sneak up from behind if you like.

No, no, no, no, no. There's no time for all that. Besides, who likes old age

creeping up on them, eh?

Going to put on your new dress for Hercules, are you?

No, I'm just freshening myself up.

Love you, love, Hercules.

Love you, love, Hercules.

Oh, shut up.

Jeez, you lot of immature ones.

I wonder if all these muscles are as big, eh?

And then I thought I'd finish up my act with a Donner summer medley. I think

I'll wear something tight -fitting, you know, really hugging around the waist.

Maybe some flares or something.

And we need some dancing girls.

Hey, we could call them the Hurtfulettes.

Hercules, do you really believe this is the reason why Zeus has sent you here?

Oh, well, no, I'm not bothered. I think I know the reason why Zeus sent you

here. Hey, I'm still talking to you, you rude bugger.

Chad, what did you mean by saying that...

What sort of crowd do you think we'd pull if we announced that the great

Hercules was going to marry your daughter in a club, eh? Now all we've

is convince him that's why he's been sent here.

Jeez, you're a top kisser.

Stretch, tell us if anyone comes, okay?

All right.

Testiculi, you and I have got a chore.

I'm glad you two told me you were in love. Well, I would have found out

You know us little fellas, we love sticking our nose in other people's

So, does he have to be around? Doesn't he have a girlfriend or something?

I never have sex unless someone puts me up to it.

Oh, don't worry about him. The bed's taller than his anyway.

Hey, have you spoken to your dad about it yet?

Oh, no, why?

Dad's still pissed off that your mum's club's doing better than his beer

Well, what are we going to do? You still want to marry? me, don't you? Unless,

of course, you don't love me anymore.

Of course I still love you.

Aren't I still your big, hunky, funky sex machine?

Yeah, it's fine, son.

No, sorry. I wasn't listening.

Yum.

I'll tell you what, Ted. This place lays on a really good smorgasbord. You can

do with some knives and forks, though. But apart from that, I've got no

complaint. Let me tell you, I've eaten in many places. I remember one place

where I ate once. Where was that? It was a city on the coast.

Oh, yeah, to mania. Excuse me.

No, no, that's fine. You go right ahead. I'll just keep on talking to myself.

There was another place where I ate. Oh, yeah, botulinia. That's right. Oh,

yeah, of course.

Thank you, dear.

What's the word from Latia? She said she'd rather be thrown from it.

Oh, yeah, she's always doing that. But does she want to marry Hercules?

She'll do as I say, Ted.

What you been doing, huh?

Oh, nothing much. Just organizing your wedding.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold the phone. Who am I marrying?

Oh, I forgot to tell you. It's a custom in these parts that if you save a girl

from drowning, you must marry her.

I'd hate to have a job as a lifesaver in this town.

Oh, you don't have to worry.

Lavia said she could never marry a pinhead.

She called me a pinhead?

It's a pity that the biggest one is between your ears.

Oh, that's unfair.

There's nothing between my ears.

I'll show her the bitch. I'll break her face. I'll snap her head. No, no, no,

no. Calm down, Herc. Calm down.

Okay, maybe Zeus did send me here to marry your daughter, but I'd better just

check with him first, okay? Yeah, fine, fine.

Be okay.

Oh, mighty Zeus, speak to me, your humble servant.

You'd better stand. He's pretty formal.

Almighty Zeus, command of me what you will.

Well... Zeus, give me a break.

Come on, there's people down here watching.

Zeus,

it's me, Herc.

Come on, it was your idea to send me here.

Oh, God, how stupid of me, of course.

It's Tuesday night. Half price of the pictures.

Nope, I won't be able to get in contact with them.

Well, that does put a whole new perspective on things, doesn't it? I

you can't contact Zeus, how do we know you're a real Achilles, eh? You could be

a pretender, mate. Yeah.

Hey, that's another song I could do in my act. The Great Pretender. Yeah, look,

I could come out like this, okay?

Oh, yes, I'm a great pretender.

That's fine, Achilles, fine.

Yeah, I got it.

Why don't you do something for us to prove that you are Hercules? A little

so to speak. A test?

Yes, a test.

Oh, what sort of test?

Put him in the river.

What? In the river.

Oh, yes, that's a good one. You see, there's his polluted river. Straight up.

Only Hercules can swim through that shit.

Yes.

Okay, Hercules, this is the filthiest part of the river, right near the

outlet. Oh.

I'll make sure to keep my mouth closed. Better tie this rope around you. Well,

why? Well, in case you drown, we can tell the difference between you and the

other turds. Oh, okay.

Jay, what a man.

Incredible.

Nah, big whoops. I what? I think you should marry Hercules.

He's got such a beautiful physique.

Ma 'am, with all those muscles, he looks like a condom full of walnuts.

Well, don't think you're marrying testicular. You're marrying hercules.

Oh, get real, Mum. I'm not marrying someone with bigger tits than me.

Damn.

Can we hurry this along, guys? I can't suck this gut in forever.

That's one of the dumbest things I've seen anyone do.

Well, thanks.

Especially considering all those sharks in those waters, you know.

Sharks? Nobody told me anything about sharks in there. Oh, yes, there's

of them. They're only white point as your big girl's blouse.

Hercules and he wants to marry Labia. How do we get Labia to agree to marry

God, we should clean these cups more often. Look at all the shit in that. Oh,

come on, you Benny Hill show reject. What are we going to do?

Well, I think I'll ask Fanny to help us.

Fanny? But she's only the club's cook.

Well, I happen to have a little plan that entails using our Fanny, the queen

the crepes.

Okay, that's seafood flying by for table number 8, got it?

No way, Muriel. You're going to have to find yourself another girl.

Look, Fanny, we only want you to pretend to be a medium. Say that Zeus is

talking through you and then you... And then tell everyone that Hercules and

Labia must marry.

Yeah, I know what you want, but I ain't going to do it. I'm telling you now,

Ted, I'm not going to fuck with Hercules.

Yeah, well, he'd be the only one.

Look, you've got one last chance before we bring out the heavy artillery.

Forget it. Well, I didn't want to bring this up.

Remember that slight problem you had with the vice -squad just recently?

Well, all the boys are in the audience.

All of them?

Who?

And if you're not careful, we'll get them all to stand up.

And tell us all what you like doing with hamsters, a wetsuit and a bath full of

custard. Now.

OK, you can count me in.

Spirit world, I highly recommend her. I suppose she's what you might call an

above -average medium.

I just hope she can get through to Zeus for me.

Well, if anyone can, Fanny can. She's renowned for the amount of spirits that

flow through her.

Oh, great.

A medium with a bladder problem.

Anyone care for a crepe while they wait?

I've just been.

Oh, crepe!

Great. Grab me dunger.

All right.

Oh, jeez, that ribena's looking a bit hot.

She knows grapes anyway. Right, I'll give you Zeus.

Hercules!

Hercules! It's me, Zeus, your father. Now, I've got something important to

you. Oh, mighty one.

I am a servant that awaits your command.

Well, that's very reassuring to know. Now listen, Hercules. The reason I

you to come to this city was not to appear at the Pink Panther non

nor was it... as others would have you believe, to marry young Lavier.

Oh, no.

The real reason I wanted you to come here, Hercules, was to openly reveal to

world your true homosexual tendencies.

Homosexual? What?

Are you trying to tell me that I'm really a visitor to Vegemite Valley? Oh,

on. Now, listen, Herc. I found you the perfect partner. His name is

Samson.

Samson?

Is this guy for real or what? Hey,

do you mind? I haven't finished yet. Now, to prove yourself, you must fight,

Samson. Now, if you win, you can marry Lavia. But if you lose, you must marry

Samson. Thanks a bundle, Zeus.

Never heard anything so ridiculous in my life. Me, of all people.

My God, what if he's right?

Well, of course he's not.

Oh, look.

You stupid, great...

What did I do?

I wanted him to come out and declare his love, not come out of the closet.

Me? I didn't do anything.

One minute I was standing behind the statue, right? Next minute I was just

floating.

My God, it must have been the real Zeus.

You mean... The real Zeus?

I warned you, didn't I? I told you not to stuff around with this.

Well, Shakespeare once said, me thinks we balls this one up severely.

Christ almighty, what are we going to do about bloody Samson then, eh?

God. I suppose we'll have to send Charlie out to find him.

Hey, Charlie.

Come on, boys. All in for a drink. Come on. What about Samson? Could be his

local. Come on, you blokes. We were told to ride like the wind to find Samson.

What do you mean?

You know, ride like the wind. Ride really fast. It's like this. I'll show

No, no, no. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Hey, get the hell out of here, you.

You too.

You too, too.

Oh, sorry.

Miller, we've got you here. There we go.

Oh, is that it?

Oh, come on. There must be someone else. Oh, okay. I love a guy that comes back

from on.

There you go.

Oh, Christ, I've got a great sense of humour, eh?

Look at you, pal.

You've got a wee bit of dirt on your cheek.

Now, hold it really, really still. I'll help you with it, OK?

And... Oh, still there.

Oh,

won't go away, will it?

Hey,

where are you, woman?

I'll be fine. Thanks anyway.

I realise this is an inopportune moment, but about the bill. Oh, my God.

Bill.

What are you talking about?

What do you mean you want me to pay for all of that?

I'll check with this bloke. Excuse me, mate, that bloke in there, is that

Samson?

No, no, it's Ursus, mad scots bastard.

He does this every bloody Friday.

So it's not Samson? No, no, it's Ursus, I told you. What are you, deaf as well

as stupid?

Look, you can give us a hand here. No, I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorry. No, no, no, come on, you've got to do something about him. He

always leaves a place in bloody ruins. Oh, come on.

Why don't you get yourself a bouncer, you silly old fart?

Come on, you guys, let's go.

He is the bloody bouncer.

Oh, look out. Oh, my God.

Um, they didn't even help.

Oh, belt up. Now, go and get your brother, McKismore, and while you're

something about that hair. It's the worst bloody haircut I've ever seen. Go

Go on. On your back.

Mm -hmm.

What can I do for you? Mrs. Samson, I presume?

It's Miss Delilah.

My, my, my, Delilah.

Don't you dare think about doing the next bit. Why, why, why, Delilah?

I warned you. I'm sorry. Look, it's really imperative that we see Samson.

We brought you a gift, you see?

We brought you a gift, huh?

We brought you a gift.

Is that a gift?

Oh, you bet your buns.

All right, then.

Hell, shall I go?

Jesus, what a pig.

Dear. Wait there.

Look at the square eyes on that eye.

Yes. Samson!

Samson! I'll be in in a minute.

Genuine plastic.

And look at this. My bedroom.

especially for you, eh?

If you agree to come back to Chlamydia with us and fight Hercules at the Pink

Panthenon. What do you think, dear?

I think it's the most stupid fucking idea I've ever heard of.

Um, I don't think she's very big on the idea, actually.

Um, um... Wait, wait.

Wait, wait, wait.

Don't you worry about her. I'll butter her up.

Can I watch?

Deliver, um... Look,

I don't know what you're so concerned about. I mean, these gentlemen have

asked me to accompany them back to Chlamydia to engage in a professional

wrestling match with Hercules. I mean, I can beat him, and I won't get hurt, so

what's the problem, eh?

Save it, Samson. You gave me your word that you'd never fight again after that

man was killed.

Bit unfair bringing that up. You stabbed him.

Don't split hairs.

All right, go off your mark.

Thanks, Del.

Okay, you blokes can pick me up first thing in the morning, okay?

I'm going to fight Achilles.

I'm going to fight Achilles.

Samson, a word of warning. Don't let her cut your hair, will you?

Oh, you don't believe that old story about me losing my strength if someone

my hair, do you? No, I just love those cute little pigtails.

Bye.

And don't slam that fucking door.

Sorry.

Okay, just put this back up here.

And don't slam the fucking door, Samson.

Right.

Listen, love, you're not going to regret your decision. I'm telling you, we can

make some big bucks on this one.

You mean you can go into town and whore around?

Find yourself some beautiful young thing.

Oh, what would I want with a beautiful young thing when I've got you, eh?

Swabugger.

You know, Del, it's going to be good to get back to Chlamydia again. I haven't

been there since I was a teenager, cruising the main street on a Saturday

picking up chicks in me chariot.

You know, Del, sometimes I amaze myself.

at how truly boring I really am.

Even bore the shit out of meself.

Now I've really got you by the short and curlies.

I'm

off

to the bigs. Smoke, I got myself a big fight lined up with Achilles.

Fuck.

Oh,

bloody hell.

Hey, hang on a sec. My hair feels shorter.

You under those cushions?

Nope. Under the heat? Nope.

Oh, no, you're hiding in that tiny little bloody box again, aren't you?

No.

What's this?

Hey!

Why'd you cut my hair?

To stop you from going into the city.

Now, you're going to stay here with me and you're going to like it.

So stop...

Did I say you could stop singing?

Oh, no. I'm sorry. I'm physical.

Physical. I want to get physical.

Let's get it.

Let's get it. Let's get it. Let's get it.

Here you go, sir.

Oh, did you piss on that? Oh, God.

Hey, you. Oh, you're doing great. You're doing marvellous. But you, pal, you're

doing the melodies. You should be doing the harmonies, OK? Oh, sorry. I'm sorry

about that. Now get it right for Christ's sake.

Come here.

Oh, gotcha. Now you get out of here, you dummy.

You think he's still in there?

It's possible.

You could be right.

I knew that bitch would cut the sentence out. I hope this Scottish bugger can

help us.

I say, you're a bit old for rolling the hay.

Come here, you wee devil.

Oh, don't. I swear I'll throw up. Oh, great.

Kinky, too.

Oh, come on, darling. You won't feel a thing. Well, that's what all me ex

-girlfriends have said about me anyway.

Excuse me, sir. Give me a hand. This man here, he's a pervert. Hey, bugger off,

pal. I saw it first, eh?

I knew that'd stop him.

It's...

Money! And it's all yours.

Who do you want me to beat up?

I'd beat myself up for this much.

I want a man.

All right, like that is it, Nancy boy. Oh, I get you.

I want you to get someone for me. I want that chappy Samson.

Oh, move your head, will you?

Right.

I think that was you, actually.

Oh, dear.

And I don't want him hurt, all right?

No worries.

Samson is a pushover at the moment, but look out for the wife.

She's a bit of a bruiser.

Don't panic.

He'll love those padded shoulders, pal.

Christ, are you stuck in the haystack again? Come on. Up you come.

Right.

OK, up we go, and... Right.

One, two, three.

Howie!

Big whizzy!

Oh, it's all right, son. He's gone.

Gone? Ah, thanks to these kind gentlemen, I finally got rid of bloody

well, then I'll get it. No, no, no, no, no, no. Come inside.

I'll have some of your most fettuccine. Oh, that lovely vegetable sauce, my man.

That's the one. Hey, Charlie, tell me, can we trust this Ursus, eh?

Hey, hey, hey. What?

Can we trust this Ursus? Oh, yes, yes.

He promised me he'd be discreet.

What do you want?

Here, I'm going to help you.

Hey, you. You with the funny heart. You sample.

Yeah?

Should have said no, eh?

I'd seal my love bite.

Gizmo is very considerate. Oh, he's always been like that. Ever since I can

remember, he's always enjoyed bending over backwards for people. Know what I

mean? I'll bet.

There you go, Mumsy. All finished. Look, I'd really better get going now, okay?

All right. Bye -bye, darling.

See you later, Mum.

Don't talk to any strange men.

Oh, Christ, if only.

Oh, look, Mum, don't forget about the interior decorator's ball.

But I can't dance.

It's not a dance, Mum. It's a raffle.

Careful on the road.

I love this bit.

And... Come on, Cyril.

I know what boys like. I know what guys want.

I've got a headache.

It doesn't get any better, eh?

carrying an unconscious guy into a pub.

Boy, boy! Help again?

Oh, give it a rest, lad. Now, go get your brother McKismore again. That's it.

Oh, we're careful, lad.

God.

Wouldn't know if somebody was helping him sideways with an arm full of deck

chairs. He really wouldn't.

No, no, no, no, no, no. It's impossible. We can't rig the fight.

Well, what about my reputation as the strongest man alive?

You can live with it. Oh, if I lose this fight, I'll be a laughingstock.

Hey, what if I fight someone else?

What about these two old farts over here? I could do them easy enough.

If I lose this fight, my reputation is buggered.

If I win the fight, I've got to marry Hercules and I'm buggered again.

I think he's acting pretty badly, too.

Oh, you think he's only pretending to be a piss -weak little wimp, eh?

Maybe, yeah.

Wait here, I'll sort this out.

Now, listen, I want a word with you, but I don't want Samson to know what we're

talking about. Do you understand?

Yeah, okay, sit down next to me and make it look like you're chatting me up

again.

Now, that's good, yeah.

And then... Oh, that's great, that's great, I love it.

Hey,

you, right, can your mother sew?

Well, tell her to put a few stitches in this, eh?

You've got a funny way of saying hello, you know that?

I'm trying to provoke you into a fight, pal. Now I'm really going to insult you.

I'm really angry now. You know what you are? You're a big poop.

Big poop?

All right, them's fighting words, Jimmy.

I'm going to knock your teeth so far down your throat you'll have bite marks

your sphincter. Now come here, eh?

Look at that.

You got a wee bit of dirt on your cheek.

Let me help you with it, okay?

Samson, run for it.

Come on, Samson, you great tool. Make a run for it. Come on, Samson.

Let me help you out, pal.

Door's that way.

Christ,

it's not often they're thrown at me.

Better keep him just in case.

If this doesn't belong to anyone, I'll have him.

Darling, it's that bloody ass. He's back again.

Did you hit him?

What if I did?

What are you picking on him for?

You big bully.

You want to take his place?

I'll fight you on one condition.

That you lower your nipple.

Thanks very much.

Hey,

come on. Let's watch this from outside, huh? Come on.

Right, mate. Come on.

Let's do some more damaging.

Come on.

And pancake head.

And again.

Why not? One more.

Hold on a second, will you? I'm all sweaty, you know.

That's better. Come on.

Be nice to you. The next punch after this one won't connect, okay?

Oh, the curtains.

I'll just put them out. Come here, you.

That's a really nice aftershave you're wearing, eh? What's it called?

Geronimo!

And bright pink tea tree.

And... Oh,

I'll give you half an hour to stop.

Oh, my God. Oh, no, that's one month of paper mache. Call him.

Right,

fight's over.

Right, mate, cop this, then.

What?

I want the whole wall done in a lovely puce, all right?

Yeah, they love.

Love.

The kismet.

That's what Mumsy named me.

Sit down, will you?

Oh, I'd love to.

Samson here, you see.

Samson here has a very important question he'd like to ask you, is he?

Yeah, do you know how to get wine stains out of this cloth? Look, I'll fix that

up later. Listen, what are you guys doing here? What's all this about

They want me to find Hercules, but I'm not going to do it.

He is going to do it, and that's the end of it. Zeus has decreed there's no way

out, you see. When your god says to beat the living shit out of someone, you do

it. That's what religion is all about.

I'm an atheist.

It doesn't matter. You're still going to do it, I say.

Hey, fellas, I hope you don't mind me interrupting or anything.

Just thought I heard you talking about the fight, and I was wondering, can I

come too, eh? Come with us. Why not? The more muscles, the merrier, eh?

One other thing. This film is originally in Italian, right?

And what my character is saying now, well, there's no literal translation

English, you see. So I was wondering, if it's okay with you guys, that is, if we

could skip to the next scene where we're all riding towards the city on horses,

eh?

Oh, great, thanks very much, that's right, yeah.

Oh, come

on, guys, will you give a fucking laugh, for Christ's sake?

Samson! Samson? Here already?

God, he can't see me like this. I haven't got enough baby oil on my

Fuck you, stupid.

Oh, shit.

Fuck.

Hey!

Anywhere don't you stick your line? He's gone to see his father.

Oh, look, I can see right up your nose, eh?

Look who it is.

Testy, my old son.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Hey, come here and give your old man a big okay, son.

Come here, son. Come here, son. Get those arms out. Get those arms out. Come

child man, you're talking to me. Get those arms out, sonny. Bring him up,

Give your old man a big bear. Okay, come on, sonny. Come on, come on.

Hey,

Dad, I've got to talk to you. Now, listen, son. I want to introduce you to

someone. See that Sheila up there on the patio? Isn't she a little beauty?

Yeah, Dad, it's really important. I said shut up.

Now listen, son. It's about time you and I had a talk about what you're going to

do with your bloody life, eh?

We'll pick the bones out of that one, eh?

Jesus, sorry, son. Had some prawns for lunch there.

Cool. They must have been off, eh?

Well, they did.

I said shut up.

Bloody tail.

Now look at her, son.

She's smart.

She's pretty.

She's witty.

And her old man owns a brewery.

Everything a man could look for in a wife?

Do you get what I'm trying to tell you, son?

Of course I do, Dad, and I hope you'll be really happy together in that, eh?

Those fucking prawns, eh?

Dad!

Listen, son, I'm not going to marry her. You're going to marry her.

That's it.

That's right, mastermind. You're going to marry her.

Oh, listen, son. We need her old man's business.

Hey, and don't you even think of going anywhere near that bloody Sheila from

Pink Panther not again, all right? Now, do you get what I'm trying to tell you,

son? Well, do you? Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, where are you going?

To a party.

Well, can I come?

Oh, get... Get real, Dad. You're a social embarrassment.

Great turnout.

If Hercules wins the fight, imagine how many we'll have for the wedding.

If he finds out you tricked him, do you think he'll have as many for your

funeral?

She's a great girl, isn't she?

Daddy's there. What?

What about Fanny?

No, no, we're just good friends, aren't we?

She's wearing your underpants.

Yeah, well, obviously we're very good friends, aren't we?

Oh,

look, jelly deals.

I'd wrestle her any time.

Oh, you're such a bitch.

Get away from me, you poof.

Mind if I join you, girl?

Look at that, will you? Look at that.

You know what would look good on that girl?

Me.

Christ, I love classy lines like that, I do.

Who, her?

Yeah, she's all right. But she's not as good as my lab here.

By the way, where is she?

Oh, the fight's about to start.

Oh, thanks.

Oh,

um, Samson?

Huh? How do you think you'll do?

I think he'll kick nine colors of shit out of me, actually.

Oh, right.

I think I'm gonna...

Cheerio, cheerio.

Isn't it about time we got this show on the road? I think you've had enough to

drink there, love. Any more of those and you'll be under the weight.

Be gentle.

No. Yep.

That miserable, ungrateful, deceitful, disgusting, disrespectful, disobedient

cat. What's up, love?

Something the matter? That child of mine has run off with the pleb from the bee

garden.

Perfect.

Exactly what we wanted.

I'll send a couple of the boys around and maybe we can even persuade Hercules

go, if you get my drift. Will do you?

Do you? Do you?

Do you?

No.

I know. We can send Hercules off to find her. We can persuade him. I'm sure we

could. You're not as stupid as everyone says, Muriel.

Really? No.

I'm dead.

You wouldn't want to put an end to this horrible display of humiliation, would

you?

Well, what's the problem then?

You see, it's Labia. She's been kidnapped.

I must go after her.

Now you're talking, Squire. I'll organize a crack legion of our toughest

to go with you and help retrieve the lovely Labia from the evil clutches

Shut the fuck up. I don't need their help. I'm a loner. For you see... I've

traveled each and every highway.

But more, much more than this.

I've done it my...

Well, I didn't expect the earth to move.

But I least expected you to.

Oh, Testy, you're so romantic.

I can't wait.

You know... Oh, Jesus, it's going to be so good when we're married. I've never

been in love like this before.

Yeah, but can I be on top next time, please?

Ow!

Now, I warned you about going out with that bloody sheila, didn't I?

Bring that special goat's piss mouthwash over here.

Ah,

yummy.

Now, what about you, darling? What have you got to say for yourself, eh?

I don't understand all this.

What exactly have you got against me, anyway?

Oh, what have I got against her?

Well,

I'll tell you, son.

I'll tell you what I've got against her, mate. She's a bloody yuppie. That's

what I've got against her, mate.

Dad, you're just jealous that her mum's club is doing better than this beer guy.

Oh, that's not it, son. It's the way she acts, mate.

All right, this place doesn't have a spa and a sauna, but at least the bloody

clientele aren't stuck up.

And all right, there's a few cockroaches running around the place, but they just

add character, eh?

There goes another one, and I'm proud of it.

Are you always like this? Why so aggro?

Easy.

He's paranoid.

He keeps thinking people are trying to run him over.

Aggro, eh? You reckon I'm aggro.

Well, let me tell you something, darling. The only reason I get bloody

because I care about what happens to my one and only bloody son, eh?

Come here, fuckknuckle. I want a word with you.

Who?

I said, come here.

Who?

Now, I've never told you this before, and I think it's about time I did. I

Labia's mother once.

No, tell a lie, it was twice, actually. Nice bottle of wine back at the drive

-in, you know what I mean, eh?

Why are you trying to tell me that you could be Levy's father?

Oh, no,

I'm just bragging.

But what I am very well saying is there's no way in the world that you're

to marry that girl, right? Now grab the mongrel.

Take him away and give him the beer garden torture.

Five buckets of creme de menthe.

Dad, nothing you do is going to stop me marrying the girl I love.

Fair enough. Might get ten buckets.

Oops, nearly got me.

Hey, somebody cut the toes out of her boobs, man.

We're stumped.

Chip off the old block, eh?

Rightio, let's get this barbecue going. Come on, line her up.

How's that? How's that?

Get in the way.

Bigger, bigger, bigger.

While you're standing in that bucket, you want mine? if I borrow this.

Why?

I won't take it out of your ass, pal.

You said we were having a porn and prawn night, not a bloody barbecue.

Grab the mongrel.

Wrong mongrel.

Try to check out my boots, levy, and then stop.

Ta -da!

I'm here!

Oh,

it'll

take more than two of you. Oh, shit.

Why'd you all fall down? I missed the lot of you. Oh, you again.

gotta get myself a new club. This rubber one is crap.

Oh, my fucking throat.

Labir,

I've come to save you. It's wedding time. I beat Samson.

I could beat you with my legs tied behind my hands, mate.

I beg your pardon?

No, Jesse, don't, please.

Come here, pally boy. I'm going to cut the tails out of your boots, okay?

Come on.

Now, somebody cut the toes out of his boots.

Is that all right?

It's nothing personal, Hercules.

It's not just because you're a jerk.

You see, it's because, well, I love him.

And I'm going to have his baby.

Somebody's been telling me...

No, more than usual, no.

No, no? Then how come nobody told me that Labier was in love with another

God, you made me look really silly bursting into that beer garden, you

Well, somebody had to save her.

Yeah, listen, Moosh, they would have done some pretty horrible things to her,

and if you had... You made me look silly.

Do you know how hard it is to be a bodybuilder these days with all the

going around? And, of course, the well -known rumors about your tiny weenie...

Yep, yep, yep. That is the thing that bugs me the most.

It is not true that all bodybuilders have got little pee -pees, okay? So

it. The wedding's cancelled.

Bless you.

Now, Zeus, your old man, remember?

Now, whichever way you look at it, he still told you to marry Labia, didn't

eh?

That's right.

And you can't betray your own god.

I mean, do you remember what happened to the last man who betrayed Zeus?

He turned him into an accountant.

God,

I forgot about Zeus.

I guess I'll have to marry her.

Darn.

It's just that, you know...

I feel like a heel, you know.

I mean, she doesn't love me.

But I can cope with this on my own because... I don't have

plans and schemes.

I don't have hopes and dreams.

I don't have anything.

Oh, hello.

Do you like what I've done to the plane?

What? Oh, yeah, yeah, it's great. I love it, I love it, yeah.

Look, we've still got to get married. Zeus said so, remember?

What's so funny?

Oh, great, she's a spastic.

That wasn't Zeus inside the statue. That was...

little guy.

Yeah, that's okay. I'll only hurt him a little then.

So you see, Hercules, you don't have to marry me at all.

Yeah, yeah, but that still doesn't solve the problem of how we're going to

convince your mother to let you marry Testiculi, does it? No, not at all.

if you're agreeable, I do have this sort of plan.

What?

That's right.

That's right. You've all been caught. He tried to kill you. Actually, hold on a

second there, Labier.

Yo, bullet head.

Sit down so I can finish the film.

Hey, Labier, check out the guy in the third row.

Emotional moment for a mother when one loses one's daughter.

Well, you're not losing a daughter. You're gaining a pinhead.

She's very pretty.

What do you think? A visioning wife. From what I've heard, she's got a nerve

wearing white.

Well, Ellie, tell us about her. Come on, Ellie. Shut up!

I could do him. I don't know. He looks kind of tough.

Now, hold on. You're not going to marry Labby and me. No, you are. And you're

also going to be the only man who ever beat the snot out of Hercules.

What?

That's right.

Hercules is going to help. If you beat him in a fight, Mum will have to let us

get married.

I could have beaten him in a fair fight, you know, if only my hair was longer.

Now listen, Paul, can I have a word with you?

In 93 days!

Rebats! And... So

this guy wants to fight me again, huh?

Okay, I'll give him a fight. But first I'll get rid of this cardboard T -shirt.

Right, come on then.

for the big final fight scene. Except you. Back in the pool.

Now,

who's

fighting who? Let's organize this properly.

Okay,

if I get hit by a tooth, then I'll hit him again.

And then I'll get up real quick and hit him.

Have you guys noticed how some of this water is really brown and some of it's

really blue, like in a swimming pool, you know?

Ha!

Good red -handed.

You thought you could pull the wool out of my eyes.

You can't get away with this, McBain.

Stop it! We're busy!

Hands up!

Hands up!

Hands up!

You know, you and whose army? You know, you're misleading the theatre going

badly!

Anyone, and I mean anyone, who tries to stop us finishing this film is gonna get

bit, okay?

You can't threaten me.

Oh, I just did that.

Oh, just because you're using the voice of some mythical hero doesn't mean to

say that you are one, sonny. You know what I'm gonna do to you?

I'm gonna chew you up and spit you out, you little turd.

If that's any indication of your dietary habits, it certainly explains your

breath. I'm going to grind you to a pulp.

You couldn't grind your teeth, you old fart.

Don't you get it? You can't intimidate me anymore, Ken. I'm not one of your

slimy little underlings. Not like that assistant of yours. God, he's such a

brown nose that instead of a handkerchief, he uses toilet paper.

Watch out!

now then?

Skip to the end of the movie. I want to see the fight.

The least we can do is give it a happy ending.

Let's see now. Ah, right. Well, Labia and Testiculi, a couple that by

were destined to be joined together, were married. And guess what? They

little Stretch.

But what of our four superheroes?

Well, what indeed?

Samson went on to marry Delilah and they went on to host a popular television

chat show, Good Morning Athenia.

Machismo went on to become a fully qualified hairdresser.

Ursus went on and on and on and nobody could shut him up. And Hercules went on

to become a failed nightclub singer who couldn't remember the words to his songs

but still commanded a million dollars a gig. And for them, everything was dandy.

Dandy, is that a bit mincey?

Yes, you've got a point there. Oh, yes, I've got it.

Everything was...

Well,

that wasn't too bad, was it, eh?

It's not amazing that a film made in the 60s could have such topical records. I

loved it. I'd give it a five.

Look out, McBain!

Brad!

Brad, Brad!

Brad, it's all work and it's only a film!

I'm not fighting for the film!

I'm fighting for the film getting public in the world!

We're fighting for your life, Scotty.

I've got you now, boy.

Don't be fooled by tonight, McBain. You won't succeed. I'll destroy you.

Brad! Remember Clark Gable? Mutiny on the Bounty.

The 1935 version.

Oh, God!

Oh, for God's sakes, Brad. Finish him off. I need a drink. Stay out of this,

girl. This is man's business.

You shouldn't have said that.

Looks like we've got a hit on our hands.

Let's party!

Yay!

The

name

is Hercules. I'm the son of a god.

Thick as a brick, but a beautiful bod.

I am tough and I am strong.

I like bursting into song. You didn't know that Herc was a singer.

You didn't know that Herc was a swinger? This is my voice. Yo, don't be silly.

Who'd you think I am, Vanilla?

I'm no legend. I am real.

Son of a God with two sex appeal.

Ask any girl what they think of Herc. They like waking up with the jerk. Now,

this story starts with my father's zoo. A nice guy thought he'd think I'm a

goose. He said he was sending me on a quest, and when I got to town, he'd tell

me the rest.

I had to know. I had to act. What's the worth of this task?

He couldn't find nobody better. Not even that whip. Oh, Schwarzenegger!

running along.

I saw a motion. There's this girl drowning in the ocean. So I dived in and

like a fish and saved the life of this lovely day.

I said that I told her I met her mommy. She'd got a nice club and talked kind of

funny. She had it in mind that I should marry her daughter. A little reward for

saving her from the water.

I'm in love with this other guy, a funny dude called Testicular.

A scrawny little one, he is indeed, like someone wrapped a toga round a weed.

I had to prove that I was a bet. I sucked in my gut and puffed out my

I'll fight Samson to prove I'm bold. That big word couldn't fight a cold.

But Delilah's wife said it wasn't fair. She zapped his strength by cutting his

hair. Samson wasn't happy he could not win. So when we fought, I beat the...

of him. As I threw Samson to the ground, I asked him what he thought of my

sound. He said, Hurt, now listen to me.

This song is wrapped with a capital C.

right? He didn't get me here to have a cute fight. I was here for one reason,

one reason alone, to get these two married and put her on the throne. Oh,

that's two reasons. So I didn't get the girl. That ain't so bad. At least I made

everybody glad I'm a bachelor again, but I ain't crying if I don't have a girl

like an always pumped iron.

Everybody say yo.

Oh, come on, guys. This is my one big shot at stardom. Come on, everybody say

yo.

Okay, fair enough.

Yep, that's me, the big guy.

And you know what? I've always wanted to be a singer. And you know why? Because

the singers always get the chance.

Whoa.

Well, hello there, darling.

Would you care to go out with the son of a gun?

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, then. Well, I'll tell you what.

I'll get my old man's chair, and we can go out on Friday night.

Where'd you go?

Oh, great story of my life.