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Ladies and gentlemen, Dusty Slay!

Woo-hoo!

All right.

Okay. All right.

Ha-ha! We're havin' a good time.
Y'know what I mean?

Okay.

I'm pumped to be here, Chattanooga.

It's a hot show, y'know what I mean?

Already been a hot show.

Uh, feels like
it's gonna keep being a hot show.

I feel good. I slept good.

-Whoo!
-And that feels good.

I don't always sleep good,
but I did sleep good last night.

I had a dream that I was watching
a Larry Bird documentary.

I've never seen a Larry Bird documentary.

That means my mind created
a Larry Bird documentary

for me to watch in my sleep.

That's incredible, I think.

That is incredible.

Pretty low-budget documentary though.

Wasn't even really Larry Bird
in the documentary.

That means my subconscious
couldn't work up the budget

to get Larry Bird
in my own dream documentary.

Y'know what I mean? Okay.

Whoo!

We're havin' a good time.

Thank you.

I had a dream one time that I was
about to get trapped in an elevator.

And that's a big fear of mine, y'know?

Not 'cause I'm claustrophobic
but because I pee a lot.

I got a real pee problem.
I'm not trying to be gross about it.

But I got a real overactive bladder,
y'know?

I got the kinda bladder that's like,
"Oh, you tryin' to do somethin'?"

"Why don't you go pee first though?"

Like, I never been in a Home Depot
and found what I needed

before I had to pee.

I'm just tryin' to get a couple of screws.

Next thing you know,
I'm in the back corner of a Home Depot…

…in between some carpet rolls.

I don't know if I'm in the bathroom
or the break room.

I don't know what's goin' on back there.

I don't know what people eat,
that shop at Home Depot,

but they are destroying that bathroom.

I never seen anythin' like it.

I'm just in there to pee,
and my eyes are waterin'.

Whoo!

Hope I don't pass out in here,

'cause… I'll keep breathin' that in.

But I do pee a lot though.
And I'm in a lotta elevators.

I'm in elevators all the time.
I'm always in a hotel.

And I get to the hotel…

I get off the plane, get in the car,
get to the hotel, gotta pee real bad,

and I'm like, "Nah, I can make it
to the room. I can make it."

I'm in the elevator, pushin' the button,
y'know what I mean?

Like, "Let's go! Let's go!"

And I always think,
"If this elevator breaks down…"

I'm always like, "How long would it take
before I peed in this elevator?"

And I think it would happen right away.

I don't think I'd waste any time.
I think I'd feel it shut down,

and then they go,
"Oh, sorry, the elevator's broke."

And I would just let loose in there.

And then they go, "Oh, sorry,
minor glitch. We're up and runnin'."

I'm like, "Well, I'm sorry that happened…"

"…but I'm not ruinin' my bladder 'cause
your elevator's glitchin' out in here."

"I didn't know how long
we was gonna be in here, y'know?"

"I didn't wanna be uncomfortable
in front of all these other people."

Y'know what I mean? Okay!

Thank you. Okay.

You ever in an elevator,
and you look up in the top right corner,

and you see the name brand
of the elevator in there?

Who's that for?

You ever been in an elevator
and been like,

"Dang, this is a pretty good elevator."

"What brand is this?"

"I'm gonna start recommendin' this
to other hotels I stay at."

"You guys gotta get on
that Otis elevator."

Okay, a couple of Otis fans.

No, it's a good elevator.
It is a good elevator.

I've always lived in the South.
I like being in the South.

Uh, I think it's the best.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I really love…
I like the weather. I love the heat.

I'm a big fan of the heat, y'know?

Sometimes I'll go out to,
like, Phoenix, y'know,

and it'll be a lot hotter
than what I'm used to.

And I'll complain about it a little bit.

And, uh, they always say
the same thing to me.

You know what they say.
They go, "Yeah, but it's adryheat."

That's what they say. "It's a dry heat."

They say it like their heat
is better than my heat.

I get defensive about it.

I'm like, "Oh, it's a dry heat, huh?"

"Well, I like a wet heat."

"Yeah, that's the kind of heat I like.
I like a wet heat."

"I like it to feel like a sauna outside."

"I like to sweat in places
I didn't even know I could sweat in."

I like to go, "Why isthatwet?"

Know what I mean?
"I like… I like a wet heat, y'know?"

"I like a heat with a lot
of flying insects and mosquitoes…"

"…and gnats."

"I like to stand in a hot parking lot
of a Shoney's doin' like that."

"I like to go in the backyard
for two minutes

and come back in and go,
'I just got tore up out there.'"

Know what I mean?

Know what I mean?

That's right.

"You can't get that in a dry heat."

I went out to Iowa not too long ago.

Thank you. And, uh…

Yep, I get around a bit.

And, uh, had a lot of fun out there.

This lady came up to me after the show.
She goes, "Hey, great show."

I was like, "Thanks. I appreciate that."

And then she goes,
"Have you ever milked a cow?"

Mm. And I said, "No."

And, uh, she goes, "Do you want to?"

And I said, "No." Y'know?

Not lookin' to do
a lot of chores after my show.

I just kinda wanna relax, y'know?

Not tryin' to go back to this lady's farm
and shear the sheep and shoe the horses.

Then she was like,
"'Cause my husband's getting wild tonight,

and I need somebody
to help me milk the cows."

And at that point, I wasn't even sure
we were still talkin' about cows.

I was like, "But if that's a pickup line,
I'm not into it."

I don't even know what that could be
andbe something that I'm into, y'know?

I don't even like milk that much.

Like, I like milk.

I had a little bit of milk today, y'know?

But I don't like it enough
to beintomilk.

I'm not like, "Ooh, milk, huh?"

"You say you had milk?"

"Well, okay."

Milk's weird anyway though. I do like it.
But you ever think about milk?

It's, like, outside right now
in an animal somewhere.

And we go out there, and we're like,
"Yeah! Gimme that milk!"

The baby calf's in the corner all hungry.

We're like, "Nah, this is my milk now."

"I got a whole five-gallon bucket here."

"'Bout to take this back tomyfamily."

"About to have a lot of milk mustaches
back at our place."

I wanna know how we settled
on cow's milk, y'know?

You gotta think, at one point,
we weren't drinking animal's milk.

Then we're like, "Y'know what?
We're gonna start drinking animal's milk."

But we had to find out
which ones were good, y'know?

How did we do it?

I like to think it was one guy
milkin' every animal

for, like, ten years, y'know?

After, like, a decade, he's like,
"It's cows, man. It's cows."

"I am so sick."

"I drank a lot of weird milks
over the years."

He's like, "The goats are okay
but mainly wanna stick to the cows."

"We really wanna stay away
from that dog's milk."

Y'know what I mean?

You imagine milkin' a dog, y'know?

It's good enough
to get a little coffee creamer out of it.

Yer gettin' bit the whole time.

You're like, "Get outta here! Get! It's…"

"Tryin' to not drink
a black coffee again."

I went with a friend to a coffee shop.
He ordered a latte.

They were like, "What kind of milk?"
He goes, "Chocolate."

And…

I don't drink a lotta lattes,
so I don't know,

but that don't sound right to me.

Don't feel like that was the question
they were askin'.

I also wanna know how we decided
to start drinkin' animal's milk. I…

D'you think they just saw a baby calf
drinkin' out of a cow,

and they were like,
"That looks pretty good"?

"Think I'd like to try
to get in on that, y'know?"

"Hope I can get it with my hand though."
Y'know what I mean?

You love it?

Okay, we're havin' a good time.

Thank you.

I like a lotta milk jokes in my show.

I'm a real milk-joke comic now.

Okay. I, um…

I like country music.
I'm a big country music fan.

Thank you. Thank you.

Country music's the best. It is the best.

I like a lotta workin'-man country songs,
y'know?

Like, Merle Haggard
probably has the most famous.

He has "Workin' Man Blues."

Really great song.

Yeah, really good. And then, uh,
another favorite of mine, in the '90s,

there was a song by Brooks & Dunn
called "Hard Workin' Man."

Big fan o' that. "Hard Workin' Man."

And, uh, I don't know
if you've heard that one before,

but, uh, I'd like to tell you about it.
I'd like to talk to you about it.

So best that you haven't heard it.
That way we can… It'll be fresh to you.

But the song, uh…

The first verse of the song
is a bit like a job interview

or a résumé, y'know?

He's just kinda lettin' y'know who he is
and how he likes to do things, y'know?

He starts the song off, he says,

"I'm a hard-workin' man," y'know?

Just put-- lays it out there for ya.

Lets y'know who he is,
how he likes to work, y'know?

But he's singing though too.

He's like, "I'm a hardworkin' man."

Which is not a bad impression
if you've never heard Brooks & Dunn.

"I'm a hardworkin' man," y'know?

He just wants you to know
how he's gonna do it when he clocks in.

And then he says,
"I wear a steel hard hat."

He wants you to know
he takes safety very serious.

Wears a hard hat.
Doesn't mess around with plastic.

It's steel for this guy.

Loves his hat. Wears it all the time.

Then he says,
"I can ride, rope, hammer, and paint."

Four things that
you don't really need a hard hat for.

His coworkers are like,

"I don't know
why you're wearin' that hat again."

"We're ropin' cattle today, buddy."

"There's nothin' to fall on you out here."

"You wanna wear a helmet,
wear a helmet, y'know?"

"But that hard hat's
not gonna help you out here."

But he says, "I can hammer and paint."

"Do things with my hands
that most men can't."

I'm like, "I don't know.
I think we can all hammer and paint."

Like, some people do it
better than others, obviously,

but I think we can all do it.

Like, I don't know how good of a hammerer
Bob Ross is, y'know,

but, um, pretty good painter, I'd say.

I bet he's hung a painting or two
on the wall, y'know?

A little tack hammer. Tut-tut.

Tut-tut.

Tut-tut.

You would think a guy like this,
with this kinda work ethic,

uh, this kinda work attire,
this list of skills,

you'd think he'd be doing pretty well
financially, but he goes on to say,

"I can't get ahead,
no matter how hard I try."

"I'm gettin' really good
at barely gettin' by."

And you're like, "Oh, dang," y'know?

The song really takes an emotional turn…

…that you might not
be ready for, you know?

But it makes you kinda wanna
keep listenin' to the song,

just kinda figure out what's goin' on
with this guy's finances, you know?

Like, does he figure it out?

Where's the money goin'?

These are the kinda questions I have,
you know?

So you get to the second verse,
and the second verse, he says,

"Come Friday night, I like to party hard."

You're like, "Ah, I'm startin' to see
where this is goin' here."

"Startin' to unravel
a bit of the mystery here."

"Work hard to play hard."

He said, "I like to carry on
with the Cadillac cuties."

He never really says what that is,
but I think…

I think we could put it together, y'know?

"I like to carry on
with the Cadillac cuties,

spend my whole week's pay
on some weekend beauty."

I'm like, "Okay.
Well, there's your problem right there."

"I think we can close
this investigation here."

"Tell Columbo to head on back
to the house."

"We've solved the crime here."

I'd like to see this guy meet
with a financial advisor, y'know?

He's like,
"I just can't seem to put any money away."

He's like, "I'm a hardworkin' man."

"I wear a steel hard hat."

"I can ride, rope, hammer, and paint,

but I can't seem to put any money away."

Financial advisor's like,

"I don't know. Let's dig in.
Let's see what we can find."

Pulls up the report,
gets to, like, page one.

He's like, "Oh, found it right here!"

"A lot faster than I expected."

"It seems here, you're spending
everything you make, in one night…"

"…on some sort of a prostitute."

"I don't know if that's what
a 'weekend beauty' is, y'know,

but… might I suggest a cheaper option,
y'know, maybe…

maybe a week-daybeauty."

"Get yourself a Tuesday beauty,
save a little money around here."

"Know what I mean? Okay, okay."

That's fun though.
Country music's the best.

Gosh, it's the best.

I've always said that a good country song

can have you reminiscing
about times you never had.

Like, I never went to the lake
growin' up, y'know?

My family wasn't, like, a "lake" family.

But I hear a country song about the lake,
I'm like, "Yeah, I remember that."

"Dang, thatwasa good time."

"Me and Kid Rock, down by the docks…
in the summertime. You know what I mean?"

Joe Diffie has a song like that.
A song called "Home."

And whenever-- And Joe Diffie's singin'
about his childhood home.

And when I listen to it, it makes me think
aboutmychildhood home,

even though mine was nothing like his.

It's just that good of a song.

He's like, "Home was an easy chair,
with my daddy there."

And I'm like,
"Well, my parents were divorced."

My dad mighta had an easy chair,
but it wasn't at our house.

Y'know what I mean?

It was at his house,
with his other family.

Hi!

"Home was a back-porch swing,
where I would sit,

and Mom would sing 'Amazing Grace.'"

I'm like, "Well,

I… I grew up in a trailer,
and we didn't really have a back porch."

"You know? We didn't really have a back."

"Just… two long sides."

"Real narrow front."

"Real narrow back."

"Not really room for a porch
back there, you know?"

"We had more of a side porch."

"Or a side deck."

Yeah, a lot of these jokes end
long before I stop talkin'.

You know what I mean?

Okay, now we were havin' a good time
there for a while on that joke there.

Yeah. Okay.

Yeah, we're havin' a good time.
We're havin' a good time.

This is a hot show.

I hear people say this a lot.
Maybe you hear this too.

People say they're socially awkward.
Ever hear people say that?

They go, "Oh, I'm socially awkward."

Y'know what we used to call that?

Awkward.

'Cause that's when you're awkward,
when you're out being social with people.

There's no need to really say
the "socially" thing.

And it's okay
to be socially awkward, y'know?

What you gotta worry about
is that alone awkwardness.

You're sitting around
by yourself with sweaty palms…

…havin' trouble making eye contact
with the mirror, y'know?

Say something out loud to yourself,
and you're like,

"Ah, I wish I had not said that."

That's when you got some real issues.

I think we're all saying stuff out loud
to people that we wish we didn't say.

I know I do. I small-talk a lot.

And, uh, a lot of times
I run out of stuff to say, y'know?

But that doesn't keep me from talkin'.

I just stop makin' sense, y'know?

I was in a grocery store the other day,
bought a couple of jugs of water,

took 'em up to the register.

Me and the cashier,
we said hey to each other.

That's all we needed to do.

There was no need to keep it goin'.

But it took her a while
to ring up those two jugs of water.

And so I thought,
"Well, I'll say somethin' here."

I go, "What do I got? Uh…"

"Okay, here we go. I'll try this."

So I go, "These water bottles
used to have a handle on it."

"They don't have a handle anymore though."

And then I just kinda left it with her.

You know, I'm like,

"Okay, I've said a thing,
now you say a thing,

and… we'll get through this."

She was like,
"Yeah, I don't know what happened."

I go, "That's wild, huh?"

Then I get out in the parkin' lot, I go,
"What the hell are you doin' in there?"

"Jeez, man."

"You're a professional comedian,
for cryin' out loud."

"You can do better
than water-bottle talk."

I like to think
that cashier's scrollin' Netflix,

and she sees my picture, and she goes,

"The water-bottle guy?!"

"Ace."

She's like, "I did not see that coming."

"I didn't think he was gonna make it
across the street!"

I was in a gas station the other day,
and the cashier goes,

"How you doin' today?"
I go, "Good, what about you?"

She goes, "Good! You?"
I'm like, "How long we gon' do this here?"

"Well, uh, dang,
are you even listenin' to me?"

"I told you I was good, y'know,
don't keep askin'."

"Might get a real answer."

"I'm tryin' to keep it light."

I was in a Walgreens the other day.
The other day was a big day for me.

It was, uh…

If not for the other day,
none of this'd be happening.

A beautiful day the other day.

I'm glad I was payin' attention.

I was in a Walgreens the other day,
and I was waiting in line,

and there was this lady
talking to the cashier.

And the cashier was like…

She had just had to ask
a regular ol' Walgreens question, y'know?

She was like,
"Oh, are you a Walgreens rewards member?"

That lady goes, "If I had to ask
that question every day, I'd kill myself."

I got up to the register.

I was like, "Jeez, that lady had
a low threshold for suicide, huh?"

"Somebody better
keep an eye on that lady."

"Like, the day gets harder, y'know?"

If you got suicide in your small talk,
you gotta work on it, y'know?

I mean, that's big talk, y'know?

Small talk is the weather, y'know?

You're like,
"Oh, it's a beautiful day today, huh?"

You're like,
"Yeah, I'd like to kill myself."

"Okay. Well, I hope it rains, I guess."

"I… I mean, for your sake, y'know, but…"

"Can't rain every day though, can it?"

Okay. Thank you. We're havin' a good time.

Thank you.

Okay!

-Thank you.
-Whoo!

It's a blank water.
What is it? I don't know.

Who knows what's in there?

It was already open
when I tried to twist it.

Could be anything in there.

Who knows, though?

I hope I'm okay.

It didn't click when I spun it.
Y'know what I mean?

Okay.

I checked into this hotel the other day,
and they gave me a little sheet of paper.

It was instructions
on how to check out faster.

I was like, "Oh, okay.
Well, let me ask you this."

"What's faster than just leavin'?"

"I mean, that's how I'vebeendoin' it."

"I'm gonna be honest with you here."

"I didn't even realize
there was a checkout process."

"Just felt like you see me leave here
with all these bags,

you get up into that room
and I'm not in there,

you know I've checked out."

I could still be checked in
to a lotta hotel rooms

all across the country.

I show up, try to check in,

they're like, "Sir, we're showing
you're still checked in here."

"Yeah, you owe us quite a bit of money."

"A lot of us were wondering
if you were still alive."

"You left that do-not-disturb sign
on the door,

and we couldn't get in there."

What are other people doing?

Are they goin' up to the register,
ringin' that bell, going, "Hey-hey"?

"Just wanna let you know
I'm about to head on outta here."

"I've had a good time gettin' to know you
this weekend, as I come and go by here,

but I know you got used to
seeing me go out the door,

and then, later in the day,
I'll be coming back in here, but…

that's not what's gonna be happenin'
today though."

"Nah, today, when I go out that door,
I'm not comin' back."

"So, if there's anythin'
you wanna say to me, y'know,

better go ahead and say it, 'cause it may
be a year or so 'fore I'm back around."

"You might not be working here
by then, y'know?"

"Not with the kinda attitude
I've seen you have."

Y'know.

"On a day-to-day basis, y'know?"

"You complain about--
a lot about this job."

You ever check in real late to a hotel,
like 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning,

and the person working,
it's like, "Do you work here,

or did you just kill
the guy that works here"?

Y'know?

You ever… you ever check in to a hotel
and the pool's shut down?

You weren't plannin' on gettin' in
but still feel a little ripped off?

You're like, "I don't wanna stay
at some raggedy hotel

where everything's shut down."

"Like, what else
doesn't work around here?"

And I don't wanna get in the pool.

I just kinda wanna open that door
and go, "Ugh!"

"A lotta chlorine in there, huh?"

I never get in the hotel pool.
This is why.

Sometimes, you go down there,
and the pool's full,

you're like, "I don't wanna get in
with all those people."

Then the other time you go down
and it's empty,

you're like, "Why's nobody in the pool?"

"What's wrong with the pool
that nobody wants to swim in there?"

And I don't wanna get in there
and be the one lone guy

swimmin' around in the pool.

The kids are comin' down,
tryin' to get in.

They're like, "We can't get in.
That guy's still in there."

"He has hairs everywhere."

You know what I mean.

Okay.

I went through a cologne phase
for a while.

I used to wear a lotta cologne.
People never liked me in cologne.

They were never like,
"Ooh! You smell good!"

They were always like,
"Who's wearin' cologne?!"

I read a story one time
about a country singer.

They said he used to
drink a lotta cologne.

And he died.

That's not funny,
but it is funny the way I said it though.

They said he was a real bad alcoholic,
and towards the end of his life,

it got so bad,
he started drinking cologne.

They said that like it was rock bottom.

But I'm like, "How's that rock bottom?
Cologne's expensive, y'know?"

Seems like a choice, y'know?

How would that even work
in a social setting?

Show up to a party.
Your buddy's like, "Bud Light?"

You're like,
"No, I'll have a… Drakkar Noir."

"It's got some heat on it!"
Y'know what I mean?

Okay.

I went out to San Diego not too long ago.
Had a lotta fun out there.

Thank you. And, uh,
lotta homeless people out there.

Um, I don't mind.

A lot of people thinkI'mhomeless.
Y'know what I mean? Doesn't bother me.

They were very polite. Some of the nicest
homeless people I'd ever seen.

One guy came up to me on the street,
both hands on his belt like this.

He goes, "Would you like me
to whoop your ass?"

I thought it was polite that he asked.

I go to a lotta cities.
Lotta times they won't ask, y'know?

-Whoo!
-They'll just try to do it.

But this guy asked, y'know,
and I appreciated it.

I said no, of course.

He got so mad when I said no.

I guess he'd been out there all day
askin' that question.

Like, "Dang, that's the last thing
on my to-do list."

"Then I can get back to the tent."
Y'know what I mean?

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Whoo!

If I were homeless,
the first thing I'd save up and buy

would be a day planner.

That way, every day,
I could open it up and go,

"Nothin' to do!"

That joke never does as well as I'd like.

But, uh…

People think I'm makin' fun
of homeless people,

when I'm really just
admiring the freedom, y'know?

Free schedule any day of the week?
That's what I'm talkin' about.

Never gets better the more I explain it.
But, uh…

Here's a joke that never works. Um…

This joke's not about homelessness.
It's a different j-- It's a good joke.

It just doesn't
do that well for audiences.

I like this joke a lot.
I'm a big fan of it.

We're gonna do it in a minute though.
Here we go.

Okay.

All right. Here it goes.

Sometimes, I'll be listenin' to the radio,

and they'll be advertising,
like, a local business, y'know?

They'll be like, "We've been in business
for well over 50 years!"

And I'm like,
"Well, how well over, y'know?"

Not "well over" enough
to put another number on it?

Not 51, 52?

And if it's 51,
is it even that well over 50?

And that's it. That's the whole joke.

Thank you. Thank you.

It's a good joke. It's a good joke.

It's not that funny, I guess,
but it does make a lotta sense.

But that's not really what you want
out of a comic, y'know,

just to make a lotta sense.

You don't wanna leave the show being like,

"You know what? He wasn't that funny,
but he made a lotta sense."

"I found myself sitting there,
not laughing so much as I was being like,

'You know what? That adds up,
what he's sayin' right there.'"

"I appreciate the way
he puts things together

in a way that I can understand."

If somebody hands you a drink,

and they go,
"There's well over six ounces in here."

You're like,
"Are you tryin' to say seven?"

That's the same joke.
Bit of a different twist to it.

Not much funnier but it is, uh…

S… still makes a lotta sense.

I used to be a big drinker.
I like drinkin' a lot.

I quit drinkin', but I do like it. And…

You know what I mean. Yeah.

Don't know what you're clappin' for,
drinkin' or not drinkin'.

But it doesn't matter. They're both good!

And, uh…

I like drinking so much, I like to let it
completely control my life. Y'know?

I never understood people
that wanna go out for two beers.

They're like, "Wanna get a couple beers?"
I'm like, "Why?!"

Y'know?

"Let's get into it, man!"

"Let's lose our jobs this week!"

-Whoo!
-"Let's ruin our relationships."

I like to go out with a friend
and ruin that friendship in the night.

"What happened to Mike?"

I was like, "I don't know. He jumped
out of the car while I was driving."

I was hangin' out outside a bar one night.
I was not drinkin'.

I'd already quit drinkin'.
I was just out there being cool.

Just, uh, being cool,
looking cool, y'know?

This girl comes up to me outta nowhere.
She's pretty drunk, pretty attractive.

She walked right up to me.

I was like, "All right!
That's what I'm talkin' about." Y'know?

She got right up to me, and she goes,
"You gotta get new glasses."

She was like, "I don't wanna have sex
with you with those glasses."

And I'm married, y'know?

I was not out there lookin' for sex.

But I was like,
"What kinda glasses should I get?"

Y'know what I mean?
You might as well find out, y'know?

I wanna play to my strengths out here.

I don't have to wear these glasses.

You know, I need them to see, but…

…I can take them off.

So I was like,
"What kinda glassesshouldI get?"

She goes, "Any kind."

She said,
"Those are Jeffrey Dahmer glasses."

"You're not gonna get laid
with those glasses."

And I was like, "Well, he got laid a lot."

Y'know what I mean?
Okay! No, we're havin' a good time.

Thank you. Thank you.

You would think
that would be a weird thing to say, right?

But, in the moment,
it felt like it got flirty.

Felt like she was into it, man.

I don't know how or why,
but it did feel that way.

I even thought to myself,

"If I were looking for sex,
I think I woulda just found it here."

But that's one of the best things
about being married.

When you're married,
you can always believe

you were about to get laid.

Long as you don't act on it,

you can alwaysbelieve
it was about to happen.

And that feels good.

I mean, that's a confidence level
that you can't touch.

I mean, that is way up here.
Y'know what I mean?

Like, if you go to the bar or the club
and you're single and you don't get laid,

you're like, "Ugh! I'm a loser."

Y'know?

If you go to the bar or the club
and you're married and you don't get laid,

you're like, "I'm a good dude."

You're like, "Yeah,
I coulda gotten laid if I wanted to,

but I'm just out here shuttin' it down!"

That feels good, y'know?

Feels good to not accomplish anything
andbe self-righteous about it.

That's how I'm tryin'
to live my life, y'know?

I don't know a lot
about serial killers, y'know?

I'm not into that sort of stuff.

I don't… I don't, uh…
y'know, I don't read books about 'em.

I don't watch TV shows about 'em.
I don't listen to their podcasts.

But I know some names, y'know?
I know some classics.

So when the girl told me
I had Jeffrey Dahmer glasses,

I thought she was talking
about Ted Bundy, right?

And I know he killed people too,

but a lotta people said
he was attractive, y'know?

So I looked up Jeffrey Dahmer.

Turns out, he eats people.

So that's different, y'know?

Like, kill people, fine.
Y'know what I mean?

But don't eat them.

Have some respect for yourself, y'know?

I like to think even other serial killers
are looking down on that sorta stuff.

Like, if they were to get together

at some kinda,
y'know, serial killer meet-up,

or, like, an annual sales meeting
of serial killers,

after the meeting, they're all at the bar,
and they're like, "Hey, listen, Jeff…"

"…don't be eatin' the bodies, buddy."

Yeah!

"You're making us all look bad here."

"Really bringin' down the whole industry."

They're like, "Listen,
we all like a little knife action, okay?"

"We love the knife."

"But you gotta put down the fork."

Y'know what I mean?

"C'mon, buddy."

Yeah, I love to humanize a serial killer
for a laugh, y'know what I mean?

Okay. Thank you.

I think they said Ted Bundy
got caught down in Florida.

He got caught jaywalkin'.
That's how they caught him.

That escalated quickly, huh?

Can you imagine that?
You get arrested for jaywalkin'.

They're like, "Hey, by the way,
have you been murdering people?"

I think if you've been murdering
a lot of people, maybe go ahead

and go to the crosswalk, you know?

You just think you can get away
with anything at that point, y'know?

You're like, "I've been killin' people.
I'll cross the street whenever I want."

"Hey, you don't tell me
when to cross the street."

"I'll kill ya."

Y'know?

You know, the problem with drugs is…

…is addiction, right?
That's the problem with drugs, addiction.

'Cause if we're not gettin' addicted,
we're just out here havin' a good time.

Y'know what I mean?

Like, if you could guarantee
I wouldn't get addicted, and I mean this,

if you could guarantee
that I wouldn't get addicted,

I'd try crack.

I've always wanted to try it.
Um, seems like my kinda drug.

Y'know, I don't wanna do it a lot,
one or two times.

Well over one time.

That's all I wanna do it.

That's all I wanna do it.

Well over one time, y'know?

But I don't wanna…

I don't wanna be, like,
a crackhead or whatever, y'know?

So I don't do it.

But imagine they could invent, like,

a non-addictive crack, y'know?

That'd be fun. Like, all the fun of crack
without the baggage, y'know?

Crack that you can do today
but not tomorrow, y'know?

Unless you want to, y'know?
At that point, it's up to you really.

It's your choice.

Um… but a lotta weed is becoming legal
in a lotta states, y'know,

and they start setting up dispensaries.

So you could start setting up
these crack dispensaries, y'know?

You still make it look like
an old house if you want.

Y'know, you don't…

You don't wanna kill the vibe of crack.

You don't wanna ruin
the aesthetic that crack has.

But think about this.

You're at work on Friday,
about to get off work.

You're like,
"I don't really wanna drink this weekend,

but I'd like to have some fun, y'know?"

So, on your way home,
you stop off at the dispensary,

and you get yourself a little rock,
and, uh… you go back to the house.

And you don't do it on Friday.
You just kinda rest up.

And then on Saturday, you get up,
maybe go out on the side deck, and, uh…

Y'know what I mean?

You got some cigarettes,
maybe a lightbulb, and, uh…

You drop that rock in there,
and you fire it up, y'know?

Smoke a little crack out there
on the back porch.

Your neighbor sees you
over the privacy fence.

You're like, "Oh, no."
"It's non-addictive now. This is…"

"It's not gonna be a problem
in the future, y'know?"

You ride it out on Saturday.
You recover on Sunday.

Back at work on Monday.

Your coworkers are like,
"What you do this weekend?"

You're like, "Y'know what?
I tried crack for the first time."

They go, "Whoa, how was it?"

You're like, "Pretty wild, really.
I wasn't ready."

"Started off pretty smooth,
then I kinda blacked out

and… stole a catalytic converter, and…"

"I don't know why.
I don't even know what it does, y'know?"

"But…"

"I just wanted to get my hands on one!"

Took it off my own car though, so…

It's a real…
It's a real mess out there, y'know?

My driveway's in shambles.

Had to Uber to work today.

Thinkin' about doin' a little crack
this weekend. See…

See if I can't get it back on, y'know?

It's when I do my best work.

I had a buddy that did crack one time,

and, uh, he told me it felt like he was
having a heart attack the whole time.

I don't know if he ever did it again,
but the next day,

I had to drive him around
while he pawned a lotta DVDs.

So I don't… I don't know if there's
a connection there or not, or if…

or if he just started hatin' movies
after that, y'know?

Just didn't have
the attention span for it after that.

I don't know.
I don't know what it is, but, uh…

Okay.

Okay, well, I have kids now.
I have two kids.

Thank you. And, uh… Yeah. Thank you.

I do. I have two kids, and it's the bes--
One of them's a baby.

Y'know, and I'm well over 40, and, uh…

Yeah, I like to milk a joke.
Y'know what I mean?

I like a lotta milk jokes,
and I'll milk a joke. And, uh…

Thank you. And, uh, y'know…

And I'm over 40.
I remember when my dad turned 40.

It was a big deal.
We were like, "Dang. This guy is old!"

Like, there was a sign in our yard
that said, "Lordy, Lordy, Richard's 40."

You're like, "Dang, this guy's
about to die, I guess. I dunno."

"He's so old,
the neighborhood's talkin' about it."

But I don't feel old like that, y'know?
I feel good. I feel good.

-But I did get vertigo not long ago.
-Yeah.

I don't know if you guys know
what that is. Somebody does. And, uh…

It's like a real
old-person thing, vertigo.

The main symptom is you just get dizzy.

I think that's the only symptom.
Physically, you're fine.

Just real dizzy, y'know?

You don't see
a lotta young kids with vertigo.

You don't see kids jumpin' off
the merry-go-round, being like, "Ugh!"

"Really activated my vertigo!"

Kids like being dizzy. It's fun to them.

It's devastating for an adult.

You feel so weak.
Like, physically, nothin' wrong with you.

But inside, you're like,
"Oh, I can't stand."

"Can't even stare at the wall, really."

"Keeps movin'."

My friends call me up.
"Hey, you wanna go out?"

I'm like, "Nah, I can't.
I'm real dizzy right now."

They're like, "What happened?"
I'm like, "I was just sittin' here."

"And then I got up."

"After that, I was real dizzy, y'know?"

I went to the doctor about it.
And this is a real doctor that I went to.

I want you to know I didn't go through
any doorways made of beads to get there.

But, uh…

But he got real mystical with me, y'know?

He was like,
"You got these crystals in your ears."

And, uh, he said,

"They get lost in there,
and they get turned around or whatever."

"And you'll get--"
I'm paraphrasin' some. But he said…

But apparently,
therearecrystals in our ears.

At least that's what everybody believes.

That we all have
these crystals in our ears,

and that's what's keeping us balanced.

They weren't able
to present this crystal to me. They…

They didn't x-ray my head and go,
"You see those crystals there?"

But that's apparently what's happening.
There's crystals in… in your ear.

So this is what I think happened.

One time, I was using a Q-tip
to clean my ear,

and I was really getting at it.

Pulled the Q-tip out,
there was no more cotton left on the end.

I got too into it, y'know?

Just pulled out a stick.

I was like, "That can't be right."

So I reached in my ear,
and I tried to get it, y'know?

I tried to pull the cotton out,
but I never got the cotton.

I guess my ear sucked it up.

It's like quicksand in there.

So I think when my--
that cotton went down my ear canal,

I think my crystal got lodged up in there…

…and it took it down with it.

I don't know how all this
is connected in my brain, y'know?

I know that one doctor
can do the ear, nose,andthroat, y'know?

So it must be connected in some way.

One day, I'd like to blow my nose
and be like, "Oh, there's that cotton."

And, um…

…pull it out, dig through it,
find my crystal, pop it back in.

Be like, "Boom! I'm back, baby!"

Thank you.

But until then,
I'm just a little bit dizzy, and, uh…

…have a lotta trouble on a carousel.

Y'know what I mean?

I don't know how ears work.
I don't know anything about ears.

But I fly a lot, and every time I fly,
it feels like the pressure from the plane

crushes my ear tubes.

And then I have to hold my nose and blow,
and it reinflates the tubes.

I don't know if that's what happens,

but that's what
it feels like is happenin'.

I can't breathe out of my ears, right?
I know that none of us can do that.

That's not something weird with me.
I know that none of us can do that.

But what I'm saying is,
I think I'm close to being able to do it.

I think I'm just four or five of these
away from popping that tube,

and then I'm just gettin' fresh air
in through the ears.

And that's somethin' I want.
Thatissomethin' I want.

I wanna be hard to suffocate.

You gotta have four hands to get me.

You wanna do it with a pillow?

It's gotta be a body pillow.
You gotta wrap it all the way around.

Tie it up!

I wanna get kidnapped and they go,
"He can't… We can't suffocate this guy."

"Let him go. Let him go."

That is somethin' I want.

That's some-- that's somethin' I'm into.

What if therewas
just enough poison in this bottle

that I had to drink
the whole thing to die?

At the end of the show,
I take the last sip,

collapse on the stage.

You guys think it's all part of the show,

start filing out,
you go, "What a great show."

And then you see the ambulance pull up.

You're like,
"Wow, he's really diggin' into this, huh?"

"Gettin' into that bit."

But I like havin' kids.
I'm a big fan of kids.

I never thought I would have kids.
I love it. I think it's the best.

So now I try to encourage
other people to have kids.

I'm always like, "If you don't have kids,
go home tonight and get pregnant."

I'm pushin' it on 'em.
I'm like, "Do it! Do it!"

I was talking to a friend of mine
one night outside a comedy club,

and she was out there smokin' a cigarette,
and, uh, I got her so fired up.

She was like, "Dang,
I wanna have a kid now too," y'know?

She goes, "But then again,
if I get pregnant, I gotta quit smokin'."

And I was like,
"Well, I don't know, y'know?"

Like, it's different
for everybody, y'know?

Like, for instance, my sister,
she smoked while she was pregnant,

and it only took her six months
to have a baby.

Gracias.

Ha. Okay.

Nah, that is true though. And, um…

They're fine though.
That was years ago. They're fine.

But I think my sister liked it
at the time, y'know,

'cause the hospital
wanted to babysit for a while, so…

She got to go back to her trailer
and smoke cigarettes and…

…take care of her diabetes.

My sister had, like,
the original diabetes, y'know?

I know nowadays
we got a couple of different kinds. Um…

And over the years,
we've developed a type 2, y'know,

so we'll call the original "type 1."

But back when I was growin' up,
there was just one kind.

So we didn't call it "type 1."
We just called it "diabetes" or whatever.

I don't know if that's true,
but that is howIremember it.

I don't remember there being
a lot of kinds of diabetes back then.

And my sister has the original, y'know?

It felt like nobody in my family
really knew a lot about diabetes, y'know,

'cause we'd be out playin'
when we were kids,

and my sister's blood sugar would get low
or whatever, and we'd be like…

And she would kinda zombie out out there.

And we're like,
"Why you being all quiet?" Y'know?

And then she'd go to the hospital.

After a while, we realized, you just kinda
shove a Jolly Rancher in her mouth,

y'know, and she…
she'd kinda spring back to life.

And we're like, "All right, you're up!"
Y'know, "You're pitchin'." It's like…

"There's only three of us out here."

"Can't be sleepin'
on the mound like that."

It's weird how, with diabetes,
like, candy could kill you

but also kinda bring you
back to life, y'know?

It's… pretty crazy.

Somebody's suffocatin'
out there right now.

Don't know if you heard that, but there is
someone in the audience gaspin' for air.

You might check on 'em.

But someone is dyin' in the audience,
so if you wanna check that out.

This is a person that needs a CPAP
while they're awake.

You're chokin' when you're awake.

You go in to get a sleep test,
they're like,

"We started this when you walked in."

Okay.

Okay.

No, we're havin' a good time though.

Thank you.

We want everybody to breathe, y'know?

It is good.

My sister used to go to the hospital
all the time, y'know?

And, uh, we never got to travel
growin' up, y'know?

So, when you never get to go anywhere,

even going to the hospital
is like a trip, y'know?

So my sister would go to the hospital,
and I'd be like, "I wanna go too," y'know?

"I wanna get out of the trailer park
for a while," y'know?

"I wanna mingle with the city folks."

Y'know what I mean?

So we'd go down there, and my mom
and sister would do hospital stuff.

And I was a kid. I'd just kinda
play around in the hospital, y'know?

Messin' with the rubber gloves,
blowing 'em up, makin' balloon animals.

Y'know? Mainly, the turkey
is the animal that…

…that I did the best.

Be a lotta turkeys
around that hospital floor.

Really in the way.

Doctors trippin'.

I loved it though.

My… my sister would be in a coma,

and, uh…

…I'm putting gloves on my hand,
blowin' it up.

My mom's cryin'.

I'm like, "Look how big my hand is!"

It's fun being a kid, you know?

Just oblivious to everything
goin' on out here.

I'm like, "She gonna eat all that Jell-O
or what, man?"

"Dang, she's been asleep a long time."

"To be honest with ya, I wouldn't mind
gettin' into that puddin'."

It's like, "Dang, I'm awake!" Y'know?

Okay.

My sister, she used to go to the hospital
all the time, not just for diabetes.

She was on a four-wheeler
with her boyfriend,

and they accidentally ran through
a barbed wire fence.

And, uh…

Yeah, that's not a full joke, is it?

That's, uh…

Okay, they did get pretty hurt.

And, uh…

Another time, my sister, my other sister,

threw a frozen candy bar,
hit my sister in the head.

She had to get ten stitches.

Candy was tryin' to kill her
every time she turned around.

Uh… Okay. And, uh…

Okay. And, uh…

I've had a lotta car wrecks.
I've wrecked a lotta cars.

Been through a lotta cars.
I used to have a 1982 Buick LeSabre.

-Whoo!
-Real big car, used a lotta gas.

It was a good car though.
I used to make this joke at work.

I'd be like, "That car uses so much gas,

I bet it's using gas right now
in the parking lot."

It's a great work joke.
People love that joke.

That joke crushes in a Home Depot
break room, I'll tell you that.

One guy didn't get it.
He goes, "Hell, you might have a leak."

I was like, "Nah, I don't think so, but…"

I did have a car that leaked
a lotta oil for a while, y'know?

And I like that in a car, y'know?

Like, you leak a little oil,
pour a little in there.

Leak a little oil, pour a little in there.

Never get an oil change.

People like, "When's the last time
you changed the oil on this car?"

I'm like, "It's changin' right now."

"All right?
This car is efficient here, buddy. Okay?"

I don't have to go down to Jiffy Lube
and get ripped off on an air filter.

I love that.
You go to some oil-change place,

and they pull out this dirty air filter.

I'm like, "Put it back in there!"

You see 'em across the shop.
You're like, "Put it back in there!"

"Yeah, it's dirty.
It's workin', man. Okay?"

"Might wanna check that thing
for a hard hat, okay?"

Okay.

Before that car, I had a…
I had a 1999 Saturn.

Uh, four-door, dark blue, gray bumpers.

Real hot car.

Whoo!

Stick shift, no power steering.
Real hard to drive.

Manual everything.
There wasn't a button in that car.

I flipped it. I flipped that car.

I used to drink and drive a lot.

I'm not braggin' about it,
but I did used to do it a lot.

And, uh, flipped that car.
I think I did a full roll.

I don't know. I was blacked out.
But I… broke off both side mirrors.

So I think that's a full roll, when you…

But I landed upside down
in some kinda swamp area.

And, uh, I was alone.
Nobody got hurt, y'know?

I crawled out the window,
I lost my glasses and my flip-flops.

I was a different guy back then, y'know?

I was livin' that salt life.
Y'know what I mean?

Thank you. Thank you.

Yeah.

Messed around, had one too many margaritas
down at the crab shack.

And, uh…

…I lost control.

I'm standin' out in the middle
of the road. It's December.

I'm cold. I'm wet.
I got no shoes. I got no glasses.

And I'm like…
I'm about to walk home, y'know?

I didn't know if I'd get in trouble
for leavin' the scene of the accident,

but I knew I'd get in trouble if I stayed.

I was like,
"We gotta get outta here, y'know?"

And this guy pulled up in a van,

and he goes, "Do you need a ride?"

And I was like, "Yes, I do."

He's like, "Is that your car, upside down,

with the headlights
pointed at the woods like that?"

I was like, "What's that?"

"Nah, that ain'tmycar, man."

"But that looks bad though.
Let's get outta here."

"We gotta get outta here right now.
Let's get outta here."

And this guy drove me home
in the middle of the night.

And I was so thankful for this guy.

I was like, "I can't believe this guy
just gave me a ride home like that."

I wanted to tip him, y'know,
like he was some sort of Uber driver.

So I just reached in my pocket,
I grabbed whatever money was in there,

handed it to the guy,
and then I went inside and went to sleep.

Next morning, I woke up,
checked my pocket,

all my money was still there.

So I guess I just gave this guy,
like, a lotta receipts.

Whoo!

This guy's flippin' through bar tabs.

He's like, "I'm starting to think
itwasthat guy's car."

Know what I mean?

Okay.

Can you imagine that?

You give a guy a ride home
in the middle of the night like that,

do a nice thing, get to his house,

and he goes,
"Here, take this trash for me too, buddy."

"Yeah, appreciate the ride.
Throw this out though on the way home."

"Yeah, I got a big day tomorrow.
I got a lot goin' on."

"Yeah, I got a big day.
Tryin' to get my life together tomorrow."

"Yeah, I gotta call my insurance company."

"I got a lotta lying to do tomorrow."

I've wrecked every car I've ever owned,

uh, to some degree, y'know?

Uh, not totaled every car,
but I've wrecked every one of 'em.

And sometimes,
I just destroy the inside of a car.

I've gotten food poison… I used to get
food poisoning a lot back in the day.

You ever gotten food poisoning in the car?

No? Maybe that's not
the right way to ask it.

Let me ask it like this.

You ever, uh… you ever thrown up
on the inside of your own windshield?

I don't mean hit the dash
and work its way to the windshield.

I mean, windshield first,
splashin' back on the knuckles.

Y'know what I mean?

Okay. It's goin' down
in the vents up there.

I never could defrost well after that,
y'know what I mean?

You know what I mean.

Okay.

I was feeling sick that day, y'know?

Not real sick.
Like, I wasn't really nauseous.

I just had a lotta sharp,
stabbin' pains in my stomach.

I just kept thinkin',
"Y'know, I just need to…"

Well, my stomach…
my stomach was real hard, y'know?

Hard in a way
I'd like it to be all the time,

but… a lot more swollen than I would like.

And I just kept thinking,
y'know, "I just need to burp."

"If I could just burp,
I would really feel a lot better, y'know?"

I don't like the word "burp."
I know that's a gross word.

I hate the word "burp."

I wish there were a better word, y'know?

Some people will say "belch."

I'm like, "Nah, that's a worse word for…"

That's what the doctor says.

I went to the doctor.
They were like, "You been belchin' a lot?"

Pff, I'm like, "Honestly, I don't even
drink grape juice, y'know what I mean?"

Okay, that's a good joke though.

Ha-ha!

No, it is a good joke though.

I just needed to burp.
I was like, "I just need to burp."

So I stopped, and I got myself a Sprite,
and, uh, I get back in the car.

I'm drivin' down the road,
drinkin' the thirst quencher…

…and my stomach starts to rumble a bit,

and I go, "Okay, here we go," y'know?

I'm gettin' excited about it,
'cause I know a burp's comin'.

And a burp is all I need to get me back
to where I need to be, y'know?

I'm startin' to prepare some kinda
post-burp celebration, y'know?

I'm excited about it.

And finally, the burp comes.

And it wassomuch more than a burp.

I never saw it coming.
It came out like a pressure washer. Right?

I thought I'd cracked the windshield.

I was just happy
I had a headrest that day.

I mighta snapped my neck in that car.

It was just sheer power, man.

I never seen anything like it.

Not up until that point or after.

It was… just an anomaly of an experience.

It was so wild!

I was on the interstate that day.

Yeah. But I was in standstill traffic.

Cars all around me.

Middle of the day. Hot day.

Wet heat. Y'know what I mean?

Whoo!

I was somewhere in between
Wilmington, North Carolina

and Shallotte, North Carolina.

And, uh, I like to let people know
where I was at

'cause I've been lookin' for somebody

that might have been
on the interstate that day…

…and saw what happened.

I'm looking for a witness.
Y'know what I mean?

Like, I know what it looked like to me.

I wanna know what it looked like
to other people.

I wanna know what they saw that day.

How'd it make 'em feel?

What'd it make 'em think about, y'know?

I like to think it was somebody
havin' a rough day.

Some…

Just some guy
just sittin' out there in his car,

stuck in five o'clock traffic again.

He's like, "Ugh!"

He's like, "I hate my job."

"I hate my car."

"I'm about to go home. I hate my house."

"I hate my family."

He's like, "My life sucks, man."

And then he looks over…

He looks over,

and I'm throwing up in my own windshield?

Whoo!

And he's like,
"Well, it's notthatbad."

Right.

Okay. Thank you. Thank you.

Whoo-whoo!

He's like, "Sure, there are some things
I'd like to change, y'know…"

"…but I'm not throwin' up
in my own windshield

like some kinda loser out here."

I like to think
I changed his life that day, y'know?

Wasn't over for me though. I had to…

I had to pull off to the side of the road.
I kept throwin' up.

Nobody stopped to help.

Who would though, y'know?

I'll help a stranger change a tire,
but if you're throwin' up like that,

you could be a friend and I'm rollin' up
the windows, lockin' the doors.

I'm like, "I don't think so.
You handle that on your own. I'm not…"

"I'm not getting that on me, y'know?"

I wasn't ready for it. Nobody is, y'know?
I wasn't go… I wasn't…

I wasn't going to the beach
that day, y'know?

I didn't have
a lotta extra towels in the car.

I had four Burger King napkins.

Yeah.

Had to use two of those
to wipe my own mustache.

The smell never goes away.

I know that's gross,
but… the smell never goes away.

I gave somebody a ride
the next day in that car.

I know.

I was like, "Listen, I'll give you a ride,
but you'll wish you walked,

I'll tell you that."

But he was like,
"I just need to pawn a couple of DVDs!"

"It's not a big deal."

No, the smell never goes away.

I gave somebody a ride
a couple ofyearslater.

They go, "D'you just throw up in here?"

I go, "No, it was years ago, but, uh,

seems like it was yesterday, doesn't it?"

I traded that car in.
They drove it off a cliff.

Right there in front of me.
They're like, "Don't ever…

don't ever bring a car
like this in here again."

"We'll take this one,
but don't you do it again."

"We don't even want that car on the lot."

"One test-drive
ruined our reputation here."

Nah, that's gross though.

I don't like to do
a lotta gross jokes like that, y'know?

I'm not into a lotta throw-up jokes.
That's not my thing.

I don't like a lotta gross…
I don't like a lotta throw-up jokes.

I don't like a lotta fart jokes.
I'm not into that sort of stuff, y'know?

I know a lotta guys that are kinda like
fart in your area, y'know?

And that's a big joke to them.
It's very funny.

That's not my kinda joke, y'know?

If I gotta fart,
I try to go off to the side.

I try to be very discreet
about it, y'know?

But it feels like
no matter where I go to let one out,

somebody pops up.

I could go into a closet to let out a few,

somebody will pop up.

"Hey, dude, what's goin' on in here?"

"You fartin' in here or what, man?"

"You should get back out
to the party, y'know?"

"Instead of fartin' in here all night."

"Blowin' up all the coats, y'know?"

"You're not supposed to be
breathin' that in, y'know?"

"That's why you're gettin'
all dizzy like that."

If I fart and somebody walks up to me,

I just go ahead
and let 'em know what happened.

I go, "Hey, I just want you to know,
I just farted here, okay?"

'Cause I would rather
you know that I farted

than leave the conversation
thinkin' I smell like farts.

Whoo!

"I want you to know
somethin' went down here."

Y'know what I mean?

"Like, if you'd showed up
about 30 seconds earlier,

it wouldn't be like this."

"Or a couple of minutes later,
it'd be clear, y'know?"

"But you happened to come
right when a thing happened."

"I don't want you thinkin'
I smell like this all the time."

I don't know why
I keep farting in elevators.

I don't want to, y'know?

I'm not lookin' to do it.

I stay in a lotta hotels,
and I got these long, empty hallways,

practically abandoned hallways,
I can walk down.

I can do whatever I want in there.

Some of these hotels are so bad
I could start a small fire in there

and nobody would know, y'know?

But somehow, I get to that elevator

and my body's like,
"Nah, this is where it's gonna happen."

"Yeah, you got your own
little private area here."

"This is where it's gonna happen."

I did it in an elevator in Vegas one time.

I got on the elevator on the 30th floor.

I was all alone in there.

Passed a little gas, y'know?

Not a big deal,
but you could smell it though, y'know?

I dropped down one floor, to floor 29,
and the doors open up.

Two of the most attractive women
I've ever seen in my life…

Whoo!

…were standin' there waitin' to get in.

I just got out.

I was like,
"Nah, I got business on floor 29."

I'm like, "This 29?"

"Yeah, couldn't find the stairs,
but I'm lookin' for 29."

"This is 29? Yeah, I'm looking for 29."

Like, they'll know it's me, right?

But I'm not gonna ride 29 floors with ya,

hangin' my head in shame.

I just feel bad for them
when they get down to floor 28

and the doors open again.

Nowtheygotta get out.

I get back in on 29…

…pick them up on 28…

I'm like,
"Ah, it's a pretty good elevator, huh?"

"What brand is this?"

All right. Hey, thank you very much, guys.

I appreciate ya.

You guys were great.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Mary Jane was climbin' a tree one day,

and this boy ran up,
just looking up her dress.

And Mary Jane's mother said,

"Mary Jane, get down that tree.
That boy's lookin' at your panties."

Mary Jane just laughs and laughs.
She knew she didn't have no panties on.