All language subtitles for A.P. Bio - S01E09 - Rosemarys Boyfriend

.

[birds chirping]

- ♪ Hallelujah,
Glory Hallelujah ♪

♪ I'm gonna praise His name

- [groans]

- ♪ Glory, Hallelujah, gonna
make His praises reign ♪

♪ Everybody, Lord,
walk by His side ♪

♪ Every step you've got

♪ I don't care what
the world may do ♪

♪ I'm gonna praise His--

[doorbell rings]

[tense music]

♪

What?

- Hello.
I'm here to see Rosemary.

- Yeah. She's dead.

[man sobbing]

- Wait a second.
Who the hell are you?

And what's with the box
of rubbers?

- I'm so sorry
I didn't know.

I'm an old friend of
Rosemary's.

I thought I'd surprise her,

'cause, you know,
it's her birthday.

- Yeah, I know it's her
birthday.

She's my dead mom.
What I don't know still

is what's with the rubbers?

Were you banging my mom?

- Well, yes,

but she was a lot more than
a fanny-call.

- You mean "booty"?

- I suppose I do.
I suppose I mean "booty."

I didn't know she'd passed.

We met years ago at
the Little Drywood Rodeo

and sort of took up with
each other.

Whenever I come to town
on business,

I'd look Rosemary up and we'd--
we'd comfort each other.

Repeatedly,
all over the house.

- Oh, God.

- Jack? Jack!

Please!
We both loved her.

- Wrongo, Father time.
I loved her.

I've never even heard of you.
And how do you know my name?

- Rosemary talked a lot
about you.

May I ask, what have you
planned to celebrate her today?

- Yeah, I, uh,
I don't celebrate

dead people's birthdays.

Here's a fun secret:

They don't mind.

- We could visit her grave,

maybe have a good cry together.

It's important to let these
things out.

- Uh-huh.

♪

- In case you change your mind.

- Brandon?

- One, two, three, four!

- ♪ Next time
I'll listen to my heart ♪

♪ Next time,
well, I'll be smart ♪

♪

- All right, everyone shut up
and finish shutting up fast.

I've had a very icky morning.

Top ten ickiest of all time.

So I'm sitting there,
enjoying my shower,

this old guy shows up at
my door, unannounced,

looking to bang my dead mom.

And as if that wasn't
gross enough,

the guy's name was Brandon.

Yeah, Brandon.
I mean, we're talking about

an old Brandon.
Now, this dude was old.

Must be the first
in the New World.

Anyway, this creep shows up
at my door,

inviting me to some sort
of crying ritual

for my dead mom's birthday.

What are you talking about,
man?

Old Brandon,
I do not need to cry.

[babies crying]

Tempting to plow right
past this,

but, fine, I'll bite.

What's with the stupid dolls?

- These are infant simulators
from health class.

- They have to be fed, burped,
cuddled, changed regularly,

or otherwise they cry.

- They're perfect replicas
in every way,

except we can't bathe them.

- This project was totally
forced upon us.

I'm so busy with everything
I already do;

I can't add a baby to it.

- You're, uh, gripping that
little baby's skull

pretty tightly there, Sarika.

- I have tried all of
the cuddle configurations

in the manual
and none of them work.

- No, no. I will not be
sidetracked by this.

Today's mission is to retaliate
against Old Brandon.

This old bitch dropped
a bombshell on my life,

and I vow to pay him back
in kind.

- At the risk of incurring
your wrath--

don't you think you
should consider

genuinely commiserating
with this man?

I mean, you obviously have
some unresolved issues

about your mom.

- What?
Where you getting that from?

- You seem very glib about
how she's--

- Dead?

[baby cries]

Yeah, well, that is
the adjective

that best describes her.

I'd say you guys should be more
concerned

if I start describing her
as "alive"

or "mommy who resides
in the attic."

Besides... [scoffs]

even if I did have feelings
about this,

I wouldn't need some sort of
hokey grieving ceremony

to get over them.

- My therapist said you need to
find a healthy outlet

for your feelings,
otherwise you'll act out.

For me, it was annihilating
mailboxes.

- I don't need help with
my dead mom's birthday.

I need personal bombshells that
will rock Old Brandon's world.

[thud]

[babies crying]

Ugh.

This is--this is untenable.
No, come on.

Grab your babies, and I want
you to throw them

in the closet right now, guys--
or you get an F.

- Mr. Griffin, these simulators
measure how well

we take care of them.

- If we abandon them
in a closet,

we'll get an F in Health.

- What?
Threatening "F"s is my thing.

I--
screw this.

Gonna go talk to Durbin.

[babies crying]

- Hi, Dale.

- You didn't have to do that.

- Oh, well, you shouldn't have
to pick up trash

someone throws on the floor.

- No one has ever said that
to me before.

Here it goes.

Uh, Miss Stef, fair warning:

I'm coming at ya.

- Oh.
- I, uh...

Would very much like to buy you
a drink sometime.

Maybe go bowling or something.

- Like, as friends?
- No, ma'am.

This would be a full-on
romantic date.

Perfect version of it ends
in some kissing.

- Um, you know what, actually,
I just got this

really expensive manicure, so I
really should not be bowling.

- Well, then, simply do me
the courtesy of watching me

throw a few frames
and then we could adjourn

into the game room for some
Big Buck Hunter

and an appetizer sampler.

And honestly,
if bowling is the issue,

I have other ideas.

We could go to the movies
or go to the zoo.

I could show you the roof.
- Listen, Dale,

I gotta be honest.

I would--I would never go on
a date with you.

Because, um, my best friend,
Mary,

she has a huge crush on you.

- Art room Mary?
- Yep.

- Korean American?
- Yep.

- This tall?
- Yep.

- Eats lunch with you?
- Mm-hmm.

- Always goes, "Huh?"

- That Mary, yes.

- I think I know who
you're talking about.

Didn't she had a crush on me.

- So it would violate
Girl Code

for me to date her crush.

So, uh, it just can't happen.

But thank you for your service.

It smells good in here.

- Thank you very much.

[sighs]

- This is my class.

Why can't I talk about
safe sex?

- Look, Michelle, this is
coming

from above, really, okay?

And I think it's good that
students feel

how hard it is to have a baby.

You know,
I don't have any babies,

but I've been in a restaurant
where one is screaming,

and it's like, no.

- Ralph, you know these
robot babies?

They suck!
- Ding, ding, ding.

Exactly.
- Yeah, you gotta

shut this down, man.

I need my kids focused on...

Uh...

- Pass the A.P. test?

- Yeah. Yes.
Yeah, perfect.

The A.P. te--

The babies are messing up
test prep.

- You know what, guys,
there's nothing I can do here.

I mean, Ohio is back to
abstinence-only education.

Our--
- Come on.

I need to give these kids
condoms.

Ralph, they work.

Otherwise Keith and I
would have...

100 or so kids.

Maybe two-hundy.

- Okay, Michelle, thank you
for being so open,

but the only thing that we're
allowed to say about condoms

is that they are 2% ineffective

and everyone is watching you
while you buy them.

So our only option is to scare
these kids off of sex entirely.

- Ralph.
Ralph, Ralph.

My kids are in no danger
of getting laid, okay?

They do not need
a sex deterrent, trust me.

If anybody needs
a sex deterrent,

it's wrinkly old gigolos who
travel from town to town,

seducing innocent old moms who
just want to enjoy a nice day

at the rodeo.
That's all they want.

Eh...
[baby crying in distance]

- Has that been happening?

- I don't recognize
this country anymore.

- If we're gonna settle
the score with Old Brandon,

we're gonna have to divide
and conquer.

All right, B-squad's got
the babies under control.

A-squad, let's hear what you've
got on devastating Old Brandon.

- Just tell him that your mom

slept with everyone
on the block.

- Come on, Anthony,
I can't use that.

All right, keep in mind,
this is a bombshell

that's gonna be dropped
at her grave.

- And today's her birthday?

- And it's her birthday,
Anthony.

Show some respect.

- You know, sometimes I get mad
because I don't want to be sad.

- Cool, Dan. So what?

- I'm just saying maybe
you're really sad.

- About your mom's birthday.

- You know what's really sad
is watching you guys

trying to analyze me with
your unfinished brains.

Somebody give me something
I can use, please.

Heather, go.

- Two words: sucker punch.

- All right, that's in
the right area.

Can't do that, though.

Fighting an old man's kind of
what got me banished

at Toledo in the first place.
Come on, guys!

Come on!

Don't you care that this man
banged my mom?

Son of a bitch!
- Seems like you're being

a bit of a prude.

- A prude?
Well, that's not possible.

How could I be a prude when
I have had sex with...

all: Twenty-four women.

- We get it.
- Do you?

- Mr. Griffin, I think
I have something.

Despite being in B-squad,

I have discovered
that Old Brandon

has a daughter here in Toledo.

- Sadie Rodonski.
A personal injury lawyer.

You know what, this could
actually be perfect.

I could tell his daughter about
his disgusting affair

with my dead mom.
She'd be completely yucked out

just like I was.
It'll ruin all their

family dinners
for the rest of their lives.

Even Steven.

- That doesn't sound even.

That just sounds like
harassing a stranger.

- Uh, yes, hi.
I have been severely

personally injured.

I'd like to speak to your
top attorney, please.

No, no, no. Not her.

Get me Sadie Rodonski.

.

- All right, Mr. Griffin.

Thanks for waiting.

Let's see if we can get
you paid.

So what is the nature
of your injury?

- Well, I have been
severely grossed out.

- Severely grossed out?

- Unfortunately, yeah,
to the max.

Sadie, I hate to spring this
on you,

but our old parents...
[laughs]

well, they, uh, they...

they put their stuff
all over each other.

- Oh, my God.
Are you Rosemary's kid?

- Wait a minute, you already
know about this?

- Yes.

- Damn it.

I...I was hoping to devastate
you to get back at your dad.

- Oh, my God.
I totally get that.

I mean, I hated your mom
when I found out.

They got together, like, eight
weeks after my mom's funeral.

- Oh, ouch.
So your mom's dead too, huh?

- She's dead.

- Yeah, sounds like your
dad's got a type.

- Oh. [laughs]

- [chuckles]
Almost-dead people.

- So what was this plan?

I mean, did you just want me
to get me to picture

these two white raisins
stuck together

so I'd pick a fight
with my dad?

- Yeah, that was
pretty much it.

- Yeah, that's pretty
conniving.

So I guess you're not just
a face.

You've got a brain too.

- Oh, yeah, I got
a big old brain.

Yeah, PhD from Harvard.

[tense music]

- You know, I just thought
of a really fun way

that we could get back
at our folks.

♪

Lock the door.

- For real?
You sure?

- Devastate me.

♪

[school bell rings]

[baby crying]

- I'll get the art room today.

- Oh, okay, just 'cause they
gave you the keys,

you my boss now?

- Hans?

- Oh, hey, Dale.
What's up?

- Oh, boy. Uh, let me
stop you right there.

You are clearly a good
and kind person

who deserves happiness
with someone.

But I am not that someone.

And you have to get that
through your head.

- Huh?
- The best thing for you to do

is just forget about me.

You can tell your parents we're
dating, if that's helpful.

- What the crap just happened?

[babies cooing]

[thud]
[babies crying loudly]

- Twenty-five, bitches.

Yeah, after a very productive
meeting with Sadie Rodonski

this morning, I have now had
sex with 25 women.

And am armed with a bombshell
that is going to destroy

Old Brandon's life.

- So you just had sex
before work?

- Yeah, man.

- Are you prepared for
the consequences?

She could get pregnant.

- No, we were safe.
We were safe.

It's fine. It's fine.

I think...

I think we'll be...fine.

- Are you guys in love?

The sperm can't crack
the lady's eggshell

unless they're in love.

- [scoffs] Wow, you guys
really do need Sex Ed.

Plus, you're focused on
the wrong part, man.

I have my bombshell.
This is great.

All I have to do now is call
Old Brandon,

arrange to meet him
at my mom's grave,

and then...
[imitates bomb whistling]

[explosion booming]

- Is this healthy?

Using sex as a weapon seems
extreme, even for you.

- Marcus, I'm not using sex
as a weapon.

I'm using the fact
that I happened into

organic, consensual, wonderful
love-making

as a tool to destroy my enemy.

Plus, Saddie and I are cool,
man.

You know, we're having drinks
on Friday,

so, yeah.

Now, if guys will excuse me,

I'm gonna call the old letch.

[babies screaming]

- Guys, just let him go.

- He's being self-destructive.

- So what?
I already deal with this brat.

I can't care of another one.

- At what age do you think
we'll start

"happening into organic,
wonderful love-making"?

- I don't think we're those
kind of guys.

- Oh, yeah, man.
I'm so down to grieve.

Yeah, you know, I need this
for my heart.

Yeah, no, I'll meet you
right there.

I'll meet you right
at the gravestone.

We'll turn on the waterworks.
It's gonna be great.

.

- Hey, Mary.

You know, you know, let's eat
lunch in my car today.

All these crying babies
got my womb twitching.

- Mm-hmm.
Just give a minute.

- And by the way,
so I might have told

Dale the janitor that you might
have a crush on him.

He asked me out, and
I kind of panicked.

- Oh, well, this explains
a lot.

He just came in here
and shot me down, hard.

Like, out of nowhere.

- Mary, I am so sorry.

See, this is my fault.
I'm gonna go.

- I don't have time to be mad
at you.

He took it way too far.

I'm gonna hook him and then
dump him on his ass.

This here is a janitor trap.

See, tonight, Dale's gonna
come in and spot this $5 bill

sitting conspicuously
on my trashcan.

That's the bait.
- Okay.

- And now you know he's gonna
dive right now,

rooting around for more.

- Greedy little pig.

- But what we'll find instead

is a selection of carefully
curated items,

which you might call
sexy trash.

Such as a flattering photo
of moi.

- Yeah.

- The novel "Dune."

All guys like that.

A yoga award for most flexible.

- Mm-hmm.
- Hmm.

And then just some old
regular trash

so he feels good about
doing his job.

Once he gets all thirsty,
that dirty like dastard's

gonna come running back
to mama,

begging for a drink,

which I'll be delighted
to deny him.

- This is a lot, Mary.
Okay?

I mean, I would have just keyed
his car.

- Well, I teach Art, Stef.
I like crafts.

- Hey.

I know we started off on
a bad foot,

but I'm glad you decided
to come.

- Yeah, well, you really threw
me for a loop there,

you know?

But it's okay, it's fine.

So, no big.

Uh, you wanna get this thing
going or what?

- Oh, would you like to start
by saying a few words

about your mom?

- Uh, no, you know what,

I think it's better
if you go first.

I want to go last.
You go first. Go, go, go.

- Oh, well, after my wife died,

I didn't think I'd ever feel
passion...

- Right.
- Again.

But my heart found its feet
once more with Rosemary.

- I banged your daughter.

[laughs]

Why aren't you reacting?
Did I break your old brain?

- Well, color me not surprised.

You two are a couple
of hot tamales.

I'm glad the two of you found
comfort in each other's arms.

- You know, that's your
daughter, you sleaze.

- I'm what you call
"sex positive."

Daughters have sex, Jack.
So do mothers.

And it seems our families
generate some pretty potent

sexual chemistry.

- God, will you shut up?

- Look, you're bound to feel
big feelings

here at this place.

It's okay to let it out, Jack.
Huh?

Come on, son.
It's okay to cry.

Ooh!

[smack]
- Oh!

Ah!
- What are you doing, Jack?

Stop!
[both grunting]

♪

- [screams]

- These babies are getting
out of hand, Ralph.

The students aren't sleeping,

the parents are complaining.

And all the other teachers
hate me!

- Okay, Alyssa, Alyssa.
I'm sure they don't hate you.

- Coach Novak threw
a dirty diaper at my head.

Which I'm now realizing must
have been from his nephew

or something, which means he
drove to school with it.

- I'll talk to Dick, all right?

But for now, we got to tough it
out with these babies,

for the next couple of days.

- They're not responding to the
soothing techniques anymore.

I think there's something
really wrong with them, Ralph.

- Okay, I may have gone outside
official supply lines

to get a discount, but when
the guy sold them to me,

he said they were
slightly irregular.

I assumed that meant
it was how their fingers

looked like tiny penises.

I didn't know they
were gonna malfunction.

- Well, they are, Ralph.
What are we gonna do?

- [shudders] Oh, God.

Sorry.

It looks like Willem Dafoe.

[baby crying]

- Oh.
It's a compliment.

[babies crying]
- It says this should work.

Why isn't it working?

- I can't swaddle any tighter.

- [singing]

- Can't find my sucky...

food juice can.

Stupid mom brain.

Hey, hold on to my grade
for a second

while I stop by my locker.

- Latch on, damn it.
Latch on.

- Shut up!

Shut up your silly
cybernetic offspring.

- Whoa, did you get in
a fight?

- At your mom's grave?

- Yeah, Old Brandon frickin'
decked me.

But get this, guys: I told him
I boinked his daughter;

he didn't give a hoot.

Stupid hippie thought
it was neat.

- So why did he knock you
around then?

- Well, because I tried to
sucker punch him, Heather.

And how are old men so strong?

I mean, this guy had the grip
strength of an orangutan.

It was insane.
- Shh!

[babies screaming]

- [shushing aggressively]

- Seriously,
shut those babies up.

- We can't!
They won't stop.

- This is how the world is now.

- Mother of God.

The sound is burrowing
into my brain.

It's worse than Marcus.
- Hey, that's unfair.

- Unfair? I am the bereaved
party here.

Some traveling pervert steals
my mom's birthday from me

and then has
the grey-haired balls

to tell me how to deal
with her death?

♪

Give me the babies.

Just give me all the babies.

Stupid thing.
Come on, give it to me.

Give this to me.
Gimme, gimme, gimme.

Don't worry about it.
Don't worry about it, guys.

[laughing]
Yeah, yep, all the babies.

I'm gonna deal with this
baby problem right now.

.

[babies crying]

- Give me that.

Gimme, gimme.
Gimme babies.

Throw it in.

Baby.

Here we go.

- Anthony, what the hell?
Where's my baby?

- Mr. Griffin sort of took it.

- Took it where?

- He took them all.
We're free.

- But I'll get an F in Health.

My baby! My baby!

♪

[babies crying in distance]

- No!
- It's okay, Sarika.

There's no more assignment.

We can't be graded on
any of this now.

- All quiet.

[peaceful music]

[exhales deeply]

- No more grades?

- It's over.

♪

- There we go.

♪

Whoo!

That was the ticket
right there.

I feel refreshed, you know?

Nothing like a dip sometimes.

So, uh, what do you guys
want to do?

Go back to class?

Yeah.

Old Brandon's probably
an all right guy.

Yeah.

♪

- Ms. Wagner?

I have got to tell you.

You have the sexiest trash

I have ever dumped into
a larger bin.

You ever been to the good
gravel pit?

- Ooh, now, you know,
I would love to,

but my friend Stef has
the biggest crush on you.

- Ooh.

[Wolf Parade "You Are A Runner
and I Am My Father's Son"]

- You two have fun.

♪