All language subtitles for A.P. Bio - S01E08 - We Dont Party

.

- Whew.

Okay, I'm ready.
Do it.

- Okay.

- Come on.

- I can't. I can't.

- [sighs]

Damn it, Sarika.

Why will no one staple my hand?

- Maybe if you told us why.

- All right, listen, you
dum-dums.

The plan is to injure myself
badly enough

so I can be admitted to the
hospital,

where my high school ex,
Meredith, works.

Things were definitely flirty
the last time I saw her,

and if I can get her to show
her caretaking side, well,

that is gonna be my ticket to
bang city.

- Doesn't she have a boyfriend?

- I'm sorry.
Do you guys not look at these?

He's crossed through.
He's nothing.

I'm the one that's perfect for
her.

Don't make me feel like I'm
wasting my time up here.

Now, who's gonna staple my
hand?

Yo, V-dawg, what's going on
over there?

- It's my house's security app.

My parents are out of town, so
I'm turning the lights

on and off to keep robbers
away.

- Ooh, gimme, gimme, gimme.
Let me see. Let me see.

Wow. Whoa.
Your parents are loaded.

Explain your sweaters
immediately.

- I just like them.

- Mm-hmm, all right, and this
is in Toledo?

- Yeah, Ottawa Hills.

It's really nice.

I know, because my father's
whore lives there.

She's a rich whore.

- Okay, well, we're gonna have
to unpack that at some point.

But, V-dawg, parents out of
town.

When's the party?

- My parents said no parties.

Plus, I don't really party.

None of us do.

- Hang on. Hang on. Hang on.

Does this apply to everybody?

That's crazy.

A bunch of high school kids who
don't party?

No, no, no, no, no.
Which one of you is gonna be

the badass to pressure Victor
into have a party this weekend?

Parties are how memories are
made.

Nobody has memories about
making good grades.

They have memories about
getting in fights

and waking up in tunnels and
crazy stuff like that.

This is sad, man.

Wow, I really thought today was
gonna be different,

but I guess not, huh?

Just same old same old.

All right, well...

[together]
Augh.

- Ahh! Ohh!

- One, two, three, four!

- ♪ Next time
I'll listen to my heart ♪

♪ Next time,
well, I'll be smart ♪

♪

- You can't just use my name to
get in here.

There are actual sick patients
who should take priority.

- Well, yeah, no, I know,

but you're the only one I trust
here.

Can I get a boo-boo kiss?
Come on.

- Not looking, not looking.

Just kidding.
I am looking.

It's okay.
I'm a doctor.

Hi.
- Hey.

- Hey, just delivering a
large earl grey to my main bae.

- Ahh.

- This is my boyfriend Chase.

Chase, this is Jack Griffin.

- Oh.

- Hi.
- Yeah.

The guy who peed on the
hospital.

- Yeah, well, when you've got
to go, you've got to go.

You know what I mean.
Yeah.

So, Mere, when did you switch
to tea?

You were always a coffee
drinker

back when we were dating.

Yeah, oh, remember we used to
always get lattes before class,

and then we'd say, "See you
latte"?

That was so dumb.
Why did we do that?

We had a great rapport.

- "See you latte."
That is dumb.

[cell phone chimes]
- Oh, excuse me, guys.

- That's okay.
See you latte.

- Oh, so a staple, huh?

- Yeah.
- How'd you manage that?

Worksheet accident?

Mere tells me you teach high
school.

- Yeah.

Wow, she must talk about me a
lot.

I get it, though.
I get it.

Yeah, did she almost mention
that I have a PhD in philosophy

from Harvard, which no offense,
makes me a real doctor?

I mean, let's be honest.

Anybody can do that knee bone's
connected

to the neck bone crap.

- [laughs]
- It's so--

- Jack, let me tell you, if
you're knee bone's ever

connected to your neck bone,
I'd like you

to come see me right away.

- Oh, that's a good point,
Chase.

That's a good point; hey,
does it ever feel weird to you

that your name is a verb that
describes what rapist's do?

- What?
- That was the yacht club.

They just called and canceled
on us.

We're doing a fund-raiser for
the free clinic.

This is a nightmare.

- Everything's booked, the
caterers, the valet.

You know what?

We'll do it at my place.

- There are gonna be over 200
people there.

- Wait, wait, I have a place.

Yeah, it's huge.

Yeah, I'm house-sitting for my
friend Victor,

who's a--an adult.

- Are you sure it's okay?
- Yeah.

- That's great.

- Ah, Victor, there you are.

Uh, taking your house this
weekend, big guy.

- What?

- Oh, you guys are doing "The
Great Gatsby"?

Yeah, he ends up dead in a
pool.

all: [groan]

- Oh, and Daisy killed Myrtle.

all: [groan]

- We're not there yet.

- Oh, hey, guys.

I need your help.

So this is what's going on.

- What the hell was that, Jack?

- Yeah, you can't just throw
your apple at the wall.

What are you doing?
Pick that up.

- You missed, like, hard.

[all speaking simultaneously]

- I don't think so.
I'm not a garbageman.

- Hey, I need you guys to come
to a little fund-raiser party

I'm throwing this weekend.

I need a little backup taking
down my ex's

douche boyfriend Chase.

- Backup?

- Yeah, it's also for, like,
a really good cause

or some junk, you know, so...

And there's gonna be an open
bar.

- Mm, mm-hmm.
- Ohh.

- Now, I could get dressed up

to go flirt with some
do-gooders.

- Right, well, we have been
drawing from the same pool

of losers for so long.

We've got to mix it up,
meet some quality guys.

- Hey, if you're gonna bang
somebody at this party,

do my mind banging Chase?
That would be great for me.

- Whoa.
- Don't tell her who to bang.

- The fun part is me finding
out night of.

- Yeah, right, right.

All right, I'll see you guys at
the party.

Oh, Ralph.

- Hey, toga, toga, toga.

I'm sorry; I couldn't help
overhearing you

talk about a party.

- Oh, yeah, I'm throwing a
party.

- You know, my wife, Brenda,
lets me out one night a month.

- It's gonna be this Saturday.
- Oh, that sounds fun.

- Doing it to destroy my ex's
boyfriend.

- Oh, he...
- When he thinks he can't be

destroyed any harder...

- Is this, like, a potluck
thing or...

- I finish him with something
huge.

- Would love to see that
firsthand.

- Yeah, yeah, I'm not sure what
it's gonna be yet,

but it's gonna be good.

[bell rings]
- Yeah.

- All right, see ya, Ralph.
- See...

See ya. See ya.
"See ya, Ralph."

Wait, did not say "See you
there, Ralph."

Maybe he left the "there" part
out.

Maybe...okay, you're talking to
yourself.

You're frightening the
students again.

Go in your office.
That's where it's good.

That's where it's...good.

Okay, here we go.

[classical music]

- [laughs]

This--this is gonna be my ace
in the hole.

See, Meredith always loved that
I played the piano,

so I think what I'll do is,
I'll have somebody just

really drag this bad boy right
in the center of the room.

- Please be careful.
- All right, V-sauce.

I think we're all set.
It's time for you to leave.

- I feel like I should stay.

- Come on.
Look, it's fine.

Everything's gonna be fine.
You've got to let go a little.

- It's not that simple for me.

What if my parents find out.

- You know what you say?

You say, "I know about your
affairs."

That always works, and it will
buy you a little time

to think about your next move.

But look, it's never gonna come
to that.

This is a sophisticated event.

We're talking give garbage bags
tops.

- But my container only holds
two,

and they don't pick up until
Wednesday.

- Victor, I need you to talk
faster,

or if you're gonna keep the
same speed, use less words.

- Holds. Two. Wednesday.

- Yeah, that'll work.

- Can't. Do. Whole. Life.

- Look...
[doorbell rings]

- Victor, we don't care what
you say.

We're having a party.

.

- Oh, yeah, Jack.
It's weird you're here.

Whoa, this house is fancy.

- Okay, listen, you guys got to
leave,

seriously, or you get Fs.

Go...

Oh--oh, no.

Okay, no time, no time.

Basement. Go. Now.

Let's go. Follow me. Follow me.
Follow me.

Okay, all right, all right, all
right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey.

- The guy who saved the night.

- Ahh...
- Oh, my God.

Planning this thing has
literally been one

unpleasant surprise after
another.

You really bailed us out.

- Well, I was glad to help,
yeah.

You look beautiful, by the way.

- Yes, she does.
I already told her.

- Yeah, this place is really
nice.

So what does your friend Victor
do?

- What does Victor do?

He's a--he--he's done very well
selling...

uh, little pieces of fur.

- Like pelts?

- No.

What are you doing a
documentary about Victor?

Get out of here. Come on.
Don't worry about him.

He's--he's doing good.
He's doing good.

All right, go--go host, host.

[chuckles]
All right, yeah.

Guys, shut up.

Shut--guys, shut--shut up.

Shut up.
They're gonna hear you.

All right, Victor, is there a
basement exit?

- No.
There's also no bathroom.

- God, okay, well, if Meredith
sees a flock of geeks

flying out of this basement,
she's gonna know I lied

about this place.

Got to get you out of here
somehow.

Okay, maybe I stuff you guys
all in boxes.

Maybe--well--
- Mr. Griffin, hear us out.

- No, Marcus.
He won't listen if it's you.

- That's true.
- Mr. Griffin, you were right.

We need to make crazy party
memories.

We want to end up in a tunnel.

- Yeah, I am hell-bent on
fighting tonight.

- A lot of business deals are
made over drinks.

- And I want to do a panty
raid.

What?
That's a thing.

It's, like, in every '80s
movie.

- Please, boss.

- Okay.

All right, fine, fine.

You guys can stay, but I won't
have you ruin this party

for me, so don't make a peep,
and don't leave this room.

This isn't some stupid farce.

[doorbell rings]
Ahh.

Okay, bye. Shh. Just...

- All right already.

[all speaking simultaneously]

- Cheers.

- Cheers.
- Our first party.

- Ooh, that dude could give me
the news.

Got a nice caboose too.

Oh, married.

[groans]

- Oh, I do love an older
gentleman

with a strong brow, you know.

Oh, and--and so does his wife,
okay.

- It seems like everybody here
is married.

- I mean, what were we
thinking?

These are quality do-gooder
men.

I mean, of course they're all
taken.

- I know, there's a reason why
all the guys in our usual pool

are still single.

They've always got something
weird going on.

- Oh, like that guy Bruce

who used to like to tongue your
belly button.

- Oh, God, yeah.

He used to spend, like, ten
minutes in there.

I don't know what he thought
was gonna happen.

[scoffs]
I want satay.

- Girl.
- Come on.

- Ten minutes? Really?

- [laughs]

- Uh-oh.
Look out there, tiger.

I spent a lot of time on this
event.

I don't want you wrecking the
place.

- Oh.
- I'm not wrecking the place.

It was just a little fumble.
I saved it.

- You saved it from yourself.

[chuckles]
Ahh.

Isn't Victor's place beautiful?

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, I--

I use it sometimes as an
intellectual retreat.

I tell you, I've gotten some of
my best ideas

sitting at that window right
there staring at the sunset.

- [laughs and coughs]

Oh, sorry.
I just--

that window actually faces the
east.

So I guess you're telling me
this is the only house

in the world where the sun sets
in the east.

- No, I'm just saying--

- You know where north is,
Jack?

- Normally, yeah.
- It's that way.

- I just--I got a little
turned around, 'cause it's--

you know, it's not my house.

It's my friend's--
excuse me one second.

[silently]

- Okay, it's just a party.

And we're about to go in.

Jack will be happy to see us,
so here we go.

Here we--okay.

All right, let them go.

Let them go, and then you go,
so here we go.

Don't over think it.

Okay, you're a cool party guy.

You're a cool party guy.

You're a cool party guy.

No, thank you.

[laughs]

Pardon me, okay, pot
stickers...

nothing.

And you walked straight
through.

- Well, look at that, so fine.

Put roses on my grave,
for I am dead.

But let's hold for wife.
- Mm, mm-kay.

- Hold.
- Mm-kay.

Holding still.

- Maybe she's in the bathroom.
- Okay.

- Give her five.
- Okay.

- Wait, he's not wearing a
ring.

- Oh, dibs!
- Dibs!

- Oh...

- Ohh.

- Hello. I'm Mary.

- How are you?

- Well, maybe you can talk to
him later.

- Mm-mm, no, she was faster on
the draw.

Now she gets him for life.

And that's the rule of dibs.

[sighs]

- [upbeat electronic music]

♪

- ♪ Work it

♪ Come on girl

♪ Work it

- Will you have my back when I
plunk a bitch?

- Uh, I don't know.
I have soft bones.

- I can't believe I'm drinking
with my bully.

- I'm so sorry I used to throw
your backpack in that pond.

It wasn't about you.
It was my stuff.

- Yeah, I understand, okay.

I wear these dark clothes,

'cause I'm trying to figure out
who I am, but underneath it,

I'm just a guy who loves to
dance.

♪

- ♪ Jerk back,
give me some more ♪

- I love you guys too.

I'm so drunk.

- We love Victor.

Hey, man, V, I've got to pee so
bad, so...

- Oh, oh, I know.
I know.

Me too, so bad.

- Me too.
I've got to go.

- Oh, oh, we can't go upstairs.

We--we just have to hold it.

- Hi, hi, hello, hi.

You guys hear me?

Great.
My name's Jack Griffin.

Or as some of you may know me,
the guy who saved the night.

[laughs]

Anyway, I just wanted to raise
a glass

to the lovely Meredith Covey,

and, of course, to this
wonderful cause.

And what does a free clinic
need?

How about a few of my favorite
things?

[microphone feedback]

All right.

[playing "My Favorite Things"]

♪

- Are we in E minor here?
- Yeah.

- Yeah, now we're flying.

♪

- Take it easy, man, relax.

- This is how I relax.

♪

[piano clangs, glass shatters]

[all murmuring]

[quirky percussive music]

♪

.

- What a fun surprise that was,
dueling pianos,

but with one piano.

I guess our lives can be
overtaken by chaos

at any moment, which is why the
free clinic is so important,

so please keep your donations
coming.

Peace.

Jack, a piano fight?

Can you please hold it
together?

You're being really immature.

- Chase is being immature.

- Well, maybe, but I'm talking
to you right now.

- Yeah, okay, well, I hope
you're gonna talk

to him about it too,
you know.

Actually, there he is.
Hey, Chase, Chase,

Meredith has a--yeah.

- Hey, babe.

- That's really loud in my ear.
- Oh.

Did you see that?
- Yeah, she saw it, man.

She saw it, and she was just
talking about

how immature you were being.

- Yeah, well, you're the most
immature person I've ever met,

and I've met tons of babies.

- I just can't believe you
helped out in Haiti,

Myanmar, and Guam all within
the same year.

I didn't know there were any
quality single guys left.

- Well, that's why I'm still
single.

I haven't stayed in one place
until now.

- Whew, I just got a sensual
swell.

- Take off your shoe.

- Oh, okay.
That's what you're into?

- Yeah, I want to see those
little foot fingers.

- Hmm?
You don't call them toes?

- I want to dress those naughty
little piggies.

- Excuse?

- I'm into toe clothes.

You know, a little, you know,
double-breasted suit

for your big toe, like,
you know,

and then a little fun summer
dress for the ladies,

you know, summertime, and then,
you know,

something that you would wear
to a funeral

or something like that or--

- Okay, you know what?

I'ma give you my number, but
stay away from my belly button.

- Fair enough.

- Ehh...okay, I have to pee.

My bladder is too small to be
partying this much.

Wait.
[sniffs]

What the hell?

Hey, why is this planter full
of gin?

- Okay, enough with the witch
hunt.

It was me.

I've been faking.

I'm sorry.
I guess I'm just not ready

to do drinking yet.

- No, Victor, we're sorry.

[together]
Yeah.

- You've been such a gracious
host,

and how do we repay you?

By peer-pressuring you?

- But you guys haven't.

You've been lovely guests from
the beginning.

[together]
Aww.

- Victor, it's okay to be
scared.

- Give me the shot.
- Whoo!

- Yeah.
- Do it.

- Live fast. Die young.

- Okay.

- Ahh.

- [groans]

Oh, no.

- E minor wasn't even the right
choice for the song.

- Uh, you wasn't even the right
choice for the song.

- Okay, enough.

Tonight is about the free
clinic.

You guys might not care about
it, but I really do.

- All right, look, I kind of
feel like I gave her

what she needs, and you weren't
able to do that,

so why don't we just shake
hands and you admit that I won.

- Excuse me. Excuse me.
Pardon me.

- Victor?
- Oh, God.

- I've got to pee. Oh.
- [gagging]

- What are...
- Wait, is that Victor?

- Ohh.
- Excuse me.

- Who are all these kids?

- Ohh!
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- Are they drunk?
- Move, move.

- Wait, there are students
here?

- Oh, my God.
We've got to bounce.

- Uh-uh, I'm not going down for
this.

- Jack, please tell me that we
are not holding this

fund-raiser at one of your
student's houses.

- Oh, God.
- Look, everything--

everything's gonna be fine.

- Panty raid!

Whoo! Yeah!

- Uh...
- Whoo! Whoo!

- It is in every '80s movie.

.

- This party's about to get a
servin' of Durbin.

Second time's a charm.

- Ralph, no, no, no.
This party is not for you.

- See, I knew I wasn't invited.

- This place is a freakin'
maze.

- How am I supposed to pee if
there are no bathrooms?

- Everyone...
- Seriously?

- Excuse me.

Everyone, could I have your
attention, please?

Sorry, it--sorry.

It has come to my attention
that we don't have permission

to be here, so unfortunately,

we all need to leave
immediately.

- You okay, bud?

- I feel great.

Thanks for letting us stay.

You were right.

I was wound too tight, and I
needed to let go.

Now I have a crazy party
memory.

I've got to go journal this
before I black out.

- Whoa, what do you mean,
"black out?"

How much did you drink?

- One shot.
- One sh...

All right, listen to me.
Listen to me.

You're gonna be fine, okay?

- Okay.
- All right.

You got a breath mint?
- Yeah.

- Yeah, use it.
Okay, I'll be back.

- Okay.

- Oh, oh, oh, oh, wait, wait,
wait, wait.

Excuse me, guys.
Excuse me.

Could I just have your
attention, please,

just for one quick second?

It is true that we don't have
permission to be here, okay?

But that is mostly my fault, so
please don't take it out

on the free clinic.

These guys, they're relying on
you.

Your contributions, they keep
the lights on and the...

Band-Aids sticky, or whatever
else goes on in a free clinic.

You get my point.
Look, before you leave, please,

just hit the donation table
first, okay?

All right, great, thank you.

Thanks, everybody.

- Thank you, Jack.

Hey.
- Hey.

You want to hit the silent
auction table with me?

- Yes.
- Okay, 'cause I think Jack

probably has to tuck in his
friends.

- Ahh-ahh!

- Whoa.

- Now you, lady, punch me in
the face.

- Oh, no, no, no, no, I didn't
ask her to do that.

That's--that was just gravy.

Come on. Let's go.

I'll--I'll talk to you soon.

All right, all right, easy,
tiger.

Get with your friends, Heather.

Wow, she wasn't kidding.

All right, well, time to leave.

Let's get you in some Ubers.
What do you say, huh?

- There were five entire
garbage bags

stuffed in the bins, Victor.

Did you have a party?

- I know about the affairs.

- Go to your room.