All language subtitles for Zhizn.i.smert.Pitera.CeJIJIepca.2004.RUS.ENG.DVDRip.Kinozal.ws.EN

Action!

OK, folks, here they come.
Lots of applause.

The marvellous Harry Secombe,
the delightful Spike Milligan...

Oh, and Peter Sellers.

This is the BBC Home Service.

It's time for...

Another remarkable 1957 edition

of the wireless, talking type...Goon Show!

You sir, with the linen hair and oily suit.

What is it that you want,
you sick and twisted boy?

I must ask you to empty your pockets.

Ah, quit stalling, man. Empty your pockets.

Now listen to me, Neddie,
that is our entire worldly wealth.

What, what, what, what, what? Then what's
that ominous bulge in the seat of his trousers?

Oh, just some leather meringues.

Listen to me, my good man, we'd like
to hire your stained-glass battering ram.

- Ooh, what for?
- How about two shillings?

- I haven't got two shillings.
- We'll take it anyway.

No! You dirty, rotten swine!

You broke my little cardboard sword.

A stowaway, I say! Come on out!

All right, I will come out.

Send in Mr Sellers.

- Good morning.
- Good morning, Mr Sellers.

- Now...
- Yul Brynner. Is that you with him?

Yes. Am I right in reading that
you're here for the part of Ned Brockway?

Yes, that's right.

You do realise the script calls
for a 60-year-old war veteran?

I've got his voice worked out.
I could do a bit for you.

Mr Sellers, I know you're quite big on radio...

I don't like to boast.

But film's a different medium.

It's one I'm quite, quite keen on.

- A visual medium, dear.
- Yes, of course.

A very unforgivingly visual medium.

But thank you ever so much for coming.

I am little Michael Bluebottle.
I am an ace private detective.

He's got his own scooter,
he's got his own make-up.

- He goes anywhere in fiction.
- And I am hotfoot after the criminals

what have stolen all the string!

I suspect the Moriarty man.

Ah, where is that Moriarty man?

- Thinks. Points finger.
- Pointy, pointy, pointy.

Oh, God, now we've done it.

- I'll get her, Anne.
- It's all right, I'll go.

No, it's my house, I'll help Peter.

You're tired. You stay and rest.
Have some fun.

Leave it to me and Peg.

All right, Dad, you can be
Major Dennis Bloodnok.

And you've just apprehended
England's biggest string criminal.

- All right.
- Peter?

You're under arrest.

It's all right, it's all right.

Dear, dear me.

That's the girl.

She's lovely. There we are.

Thanks, Mum. I'll... I'll do it.

Those film people won't have
anything to do with me, Mum.

It was my fifth audition this week.

- What did they say to you?
- Same as usual.

Not good-looking enough,
not magnetic enough.

"Stick to radio. That's what you're good at."
Keep being the ringmaster in a circus of twits.

Maybe I should just be content.

You simpering cow.

How can you be content changing nappies
in a flat like a woman?

You want to be a failure like your father,
mewl about contentment.

- That's not very fair.
- I didn't bring you up to be content.

I didn't slog round third-rate music halls
doing three shows a night

so you could powder your baby's bottom

and whine about how nobody
ever gives the radio man a chance.

Peter, no one's gonna hand it to you.

You want success,
you've gotta go out and take it!

Bite the hand that feeds you. There'll
always be another hand with more food.

And they'll be impressed
by the sharpness of your teeth!

Come here.

Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

- I love you, Peter.
- I love you, Peg.

- I really love you, Peter.
- I love you, too, Peg.

- I really love you, Peter.
- No, I really love you, Peg.

Send in Mr Cobblers.

Good morning.

- Good morning.
- Oh, it is.

Would you like to sit down, Mr Cobblers?

I'd prefer to stand, if you don't mind.

You see, I caught
a bit of shrapnel...in the Ardennes.

I quite understand.
Now, I don't appear to have received your CV.

That would be
because I don't have one, madam.

I don't believe a man's worth
can be summed up on a piece of paper.

It wouldn't be fair to me. Or to you.

Or to any of those dear lads I left behind...

in no-man's-land.

But you have acted?

All over this fair land, madam.

Well, we'll have to have
a formal audition, of course.

But I must say, you're nearly perfect.

Well, we...

Well...

Yes, well... That's what I was thinking.

It's me. Peter.

You naughty boy.

Perhaps now we could talk
about my contract.

Our nominees for best performance
by a British actor are -

Richard Burton, Peter Finch,
Laurence Olivier

and Peter Sellers.

And the British Academy Award goes to...

Peter Sellers, for I'm All Right Jack.

Your Royal Highness, you naughty man.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much
indeed for this award, which I shall treasure.

You know, I went to consult
an acknowledged expert about tonight,

someone who has published
several pamphlets on this subject -

my mother.

She told me to be short, to be sweet
and be circumscribed.

Which I am.

Don't we have any macaroons?

Oh, yes.

It would be nice to think
me son were happy then.

He might have been, at that, if he could
have been happy with "good enough".

Come here. But "good enough"
were never what his mother had in mind.

That boy needed a firmer hand.

I don't know.

Maybe if Peg had let us all settle down
in one place for long enough...

If Pete had had a regular routine, like,

I might have been able to teach him
something about life the way I saw it.

- The straightforwardness of it.
- Peter Sellers, I'm All Right Jack.

We had to keep t'show on road.

I remember once, we were all
in a cafe in Brighton, having our tea.

Pete would have been five, probably six.

We got down to the last cake on the plate

and before I could ask who wanted to share it,

Pete snatched it up, licked it all over.

I took it off him, of course.

He threw himself on t'floor,
screaming his bloody head off.

Peg just laughed. She bought him sweets.

Those bloody rages.

Pete always got the last cake.

- Even if it were on someone else's plate.
- Background action.

..her sense of fashion and style.

- There we are.
- Here it comes.

Mr Sellers. What does it feel like
to be co-starring with Sophia Loren?

Soft, warm, a little like
being a young boy in a bakery

very early in the morning.

There she is.

- Sophia!
- Miss Loren!

- This way, Miss Loren.
- Miss Loren.

Excuse me, which one
of you gentlemen is Peter Sellers?

Peter!

Welcome to England, Miss Loren.

"We have never had it so good."

- If you go back so we can get...
- That's it.

- Lovely.
- Over here!

Please, Miss Loren, to be telling me
about your dreams.

Oh, Doctor, they started when I was a girl.

A girl. Goodness, gracious me.

This is a very good start.
What were you dreaming about, as a girl?

Boys.

So you have been crazy for the boys?

No. They were crazy for me.

That is not so crazy.

Such a funny boy.

- Excuse me. Miss Loren, it's your husband.
- Ah, thank you.

I can't see.

Open your eyes. Surprise!

Daddy, what's in there?

And here we have this year's Formula One
grand champion, Michael Sellers,

dubbed "the human lightning bolt".

Like any professional, young Sellers
gives his equipment a once-over.

This attention to detail allowed this speedster
to leave Stirling Moss in the dust at Aintree.

Eyes clear, the ambitious Sellers
presents a portrait of determination.

What's that, sir?

What the bloody hell is that?

I'm going to phone the dealer.
Hard-shell paint job. Bollocks!

I'll murder him!

Come and see, Dad!

- Come on.
- All right, I'm coming.

Dad! Come and see. Please.

I fixed it. I made it look beautiful.
It looks just like a racing car now.

Dad? Don't you like it, Dad?

Dad?

You see, Michael? I fixed all your toys for you.

Aren't they beautiful?

Come on, darling,
we're going downstairs. Come on.

It's all right.

Your go.

Two.

Michael. You know
what happened this morning?

Yeah.

- You know Daddy didn't mean it, don't you?
- Yeah.

You know it's not your fault?

He's working very hard.

- He gets carried away sometimes.
- OK.

Michael. Can I see you for a second?

We're in here.

Hi, Mike. I've got a surprise for you.

Say, pardner, come and say howdy
to your new friend.

- Give him some apple.
- OK.

- Hello. Amazing.
- D'you like him?

- I love him.
- Come round the front.

- Look, Mum.
- I think he likes you.

Big smile for Daddy.

- Let's call him Fred.
- Fred.

He's asleep.

Tell me honestly, darling.
Is it hard to believe

that a woman like this
could fall for a man like me?

Maybe it is something to do
with the mystery of being in love.

I'm afraid, men,

we're going to have to take
all these little cars to the toy hospital.

It's just not charming any more.

That's good. I have to be more than
charming, I've got to be passionate.

I'm starring opposite the most
beautiful woman in the world.

Your son was terrified today.

I'm under a lot of pressure.
I could use your support.

You've always had my support, Peter.

It's my patience that I'm no longer sure about.

Peter.

- Peter, what are you doing?
- I've been bad.

- Oh, Peter, come out of there.
- No.

Oh, hello.

Do you want to come down here
and join the little people?

- Peter.
- Yes, my love?

Why can't we be a normal family?

We are.

You can't catch me!

- Sarah, I'm here.
- Waving to Daddy.

- That's nice.
- Get here, Michael.

- Champagne, Miss Loren?
- Please.

Thank you.

Are you tired?
I could give you a lift home after this.

My home is in Rome.
That's an awfully long drive, no?

Well, we do have all night.

You are sweet.
But the studio gives me a limo.

Besides, you live so far out here in the country.

It's out of your way to drive me into town.

Great thing about town,
you're so close to everything.

Buckingham Palace is across the way,
if you need to borrow some sugar.

It's not the moving I mind, Peter.

It's just not knowing I'm moving.

Darling, I'd like you to meet Ted Levy.

I've brought him on as our interior decorator.

By Royal appointment. HRH, you know.
To lighten your load, an' all. Ted. Anne.

It's a pleasure to meet you, Mrs Sellers.

He's a handsome devil.

But I figure a handsome man
will be able to make us a handsome flat.

- Yes.
- I wouldn't go as far as that.

Now, Anne, Ted has got some
brilliant ideas for this place.

- Mr Levy, was it?
- Ted.

Call time.

I've gotta go.

I've got to... I must dash orf.

You two, choose away!

Oh, have a drinkie-poo and make a night of it.

Ted, whatever's fine with Anne
is perfectly fine with me.

Why don't I show you what I've got in mind?

Darling, you made it.

Oh, Peter!

- Isn't your wife joining us?
- Andre.

What would sir and madam say to a little fish?

I'd probably say, "Hello, little fish".

Thank you.

- To us, my darling.
- You are wonderful.

I just can't believe my luck.

You are lucky? How?

We are going to be very happy together.

It's so dark in here, hm?

Oh, yes, well...
We have to take precautions, you know.

What do you mean, precautions?

Should we tell the world?
Stop all this sneaking about?

But, Peter, I thought
we were having a friendly dinner.

It'll be relief to you, too.
Ponti's such a nice man.

It must be hard, lying to your husband.

I think you are mistaken.

Go home to your children
and go home to your wife, Peter.

She's right.

They should be the first to know.

Well, what d'you think?

Does this mean you want a divorce?

You know, I hadn't thought about it.

Not necessarily.

Do you still love us?

Of course I do, sweetheart.

Just...

not as much as I love Sophia Loren.

What's he talking about?

I don't know, darling. Come here.

Hello, Ted. It's Anne Sellers.

I'm glad you're there.
I've had an idea about the colour.

Well, I was wondering if we could meet.

Yes. Yes, that would be lovely.

I'll see you there.

George, how are you?

Hello.

Are you enjoying being Sophia's stand-in?

Yes.

Have you ever ridden
in the back of a Rolls-Royce?

- Why, no.
- Next best thing to a Bentley.

Anne?

Michael.

You awake?

Hi, Dad.

What is it?

Your mother is sleeping
with the interior decorator.

- Where are the children?
- They're at Peg's.

If you leave this flat,
I'm going to jump off this balcony.

Don't make me any promises, Peter.

All right, I'll meet you downstairs.

I had you followed.

The detectives asked
if I wanted to see pictures. I said no.

- I thought that was rather chivalrous.
- How considerate.

You're not to leave this house again.
I forbid it. Come back here!

Anne!

I do love you.

I'm fucking bored of the little boy!

Why can't you be a man?

You're a miserable, lying shit.

I hate you.

I'll meet you downstairs.

- And cut!
- Camera's cut.

Check the gate.

Could we do it again? I didn't quite feel it.

- There's no time, darling. Fix it in post.
- Oh, all right.

This way, Mrs Sellers.

Oh, Peter, I love you so much.

I'm so sorry I hurt you.
I should never have slept with Ted.

You're the best lover I ever had. I'm going
to tell Ted I never want to see him again.

Then we'll go out and eat a sumptuous meal.

Then I'll make love to you

like no wife has ever made love
to her husband before.

I'm just going to freshen up and then...

I'll meet you downstairs.

That's much better.

She's gone, Mum.

You're all right. You're with Peg now.

I thought if I just gave the world a little push,

it would all fall into place.

Well, at least you tried, dear.

Perhaps I should call Anne.

She left you. Let her go.

I just don't know what's going to happen next.

Don't you worry, my little boy.

The future's ours now.
And there are many ways of finding it.

Turn the light out, Bill.

Mr Sellers?

Maurice Woodruff. You wish to see me.

Roger Moore speaks very highly of you.

As he should. Come. The future is this way.

You are aware that green
is the unluckiest colour in the spectrum?

- It is?
- It's positively fatal.

- You feel better.
- Immensely.

So, what else is troubling you?

You're the fortune-teller.
Shouldn't you already know?

Even fortune's pump needs priming.

I keep making changes.

You know. Big ones.

And little ones. Always hoping
that the next one will be the right one.

I lost weight, I bought new clothes.

I changed my radio job for a film career.

I changed my marriage into a divorce.

Nothing makes me happy
the way I'm supposed to be happy.

One can't be happy if one's lonely.

The spirits are telling me

that there will be
many pretty ladies in your life.

You see, Peter...
You don't mind if I call you Peter?

No.

You like pretty ladies.

You're quite a perceptive man, Maurice.

Hello, ladies.

Yes, it is me.

A very good day to you, sir.
Welcome to our showroom.

It's absolutely delightful.

As you can see,
we do have all the latest models.

- This is a sporty little number.
- Superb.

Or perhaps something more along these lines.

- Big grille on this one.
- Oh, yes, I have one myself, sir.

- May I?
- Please.

The Germans are amazing, aren't they?

How about engine noise?

She'll growl when you're hard on the floor, sir.

Rest of the time, silent as a kitten.

So, what will it take
to get sir into one of these today?

A test drive.

Emma, how fast d'you run the quarter mile?

- Honestly, Mr Sellers.
- Thank you, Emma. That'll be all.

Blake Edwards. He's shooting
a David Niven movie in Rome and Switzerland.

Starts filming next week. Wants you.

Next week? He obviously
hasn't wanted me for that long.

It's a supporting part.
Peter Ustinov's pulled out.

Oh, well, yes, of course I'll do it.

Any part not good enough for Ustinov
is perfectly fine for me.

- Peter...
- I'm not taking Ustinov's sloppy seconds!

I won a fucking British Academy Award,
for God's sake!

Are you going to overreact or listen
to why your smart agent wants you to do this?

Apparently, I'm going to overreact.

God.

Blake Edwards is the hottest director
in Hollywood right now.

Days Of Wine And Roses,
Breakfast At Tiffany's.

He can get anyone he wants.
And, Peter, he wants you.

United Artists are putting
a lot of weight behind it.

It's going to get very wide,
very international release.

You may be a star in Britain, but the folks
in Duluth have never heard of you.

Well, we're even. I've never heard of Duluth.

It's in the United States.

That Duluth.

It's called The Pink Panther.

It sounds like a bloody strip joint.

For poofs.

Please. Try mine.

Excuse me, but aren't you Peter Sellers?

Not today.

Ladies and gentlemen, we are about to make
our final approach into Rome International.

Please take your seat, sir.

Please ensure your seat belts
are fastened and your seats are upright.

I'm looking for my tru-ung.

- Your tru-ung?
- What?

- You said "tru-ung"?
- I know perfectly well what I said.

Right. I don't understand.

Are you not familiar
with Her Majesty's tu-ung?

Yes, I am.

And I can assure you the word "tru-ung"

does not exist in our language.

Then I demand to speak
to the person in charge.

- I am the person in charge, sir.
- Then I demand to speak with you.

- You are speaking to me.
- Of course I am speaking with you.

What kind of a crazy stewardess thinks
a passenger stands, speaking with himself?

What kind of a passenger puts lives at risk
just before a landing?

Our lives are at risk?

Our lives are not at risk.

Now sit down and belt up.
I'm getting completely lost.

Lost?

Yes, we have a slight state of emergency.

French twa...

I want you to go very quietly
and spik with the peelot.

- Peelot?
- What?

- You said "peelot".
- I know very well what I said.

I have a funny feeling we might be
landing in Rome sooner than we think.

You be careful, Mr Sellers.

Carol, our guest has arrived.
Will you take his coat, please?

And he also looks a little thirsty, Gill.

Ah, yes, Switzerland. Of course.

Hi. Blake Edwards.

Running things on a shoestring, I see.

- Welcome to Hollywood.
- This is Italy.

Hollywood is a state of mind.

I've got one or two ideas about Clouseau.
Couple of bits...

Peter. The script will be shot as written.

- Yes, but in the bedroom scene...
- I mean it.

Look at his...

OK. You look great. Let's shoot this.

This is where we introduce Clouseau

and we tip off the audience
that your wife is David's mistress.

We're in a hurry.
We only have Niven until two o'clock

so we'd like to get it in one take. Ready?

OK. He's only got one line.
Keep him in the frame, whatever he does.

Henri, you wanna take your mark?

- OK.
- 192. Eight, take one.

Action.

We must find that woman.

Is that what you said?

Tell me you got that.

Testing. On the set of
The Pink Panther in Gstaad, Switzerland,

with Peter Sellers.

Peter, how are you able
to inhabit your characters so successfully?

Well, you see, I don't really have
any personality of my own.

There used to be a me behind the mask
but I had it surgically removed.

I don't know. If I didn't have characters
like Clouseau, I don't know who I'd be.

Perhaps I'd be you.
But then if I were you, who would you be?

You.

That's very good.

So, word is, you're stealing this movie
from David Niven.

No, no, that's ridiculous.

This...this is such a team effort.

David Niven is one of the cinema's
most distinguished leading men.

One can learn a lot from people
like that, you know.

Terrific, Blake. Talk tomorrow about that.

Good show. The Frogs will never
forgive you. Well done.

- Thank you, David.
- Genius.

I'm not supposed to tell you but United Artists
already wants a Clouseau sequel.

- Who's directing?
- Oh, probably some hack.

- I'm dead fucking serious.
- Peter, relax.

- You're not suggesting you would?
- What?

I was bloody awful up there. If that's what you
get out of me, I don't want to repeat it.

- You blame me for your performance?
- You agree I was awful?

- I thought you were brilliant!
- What the fuck do you know?

Peter, we're all going out.
You just have to come.

Ah, hello.

- Yung Hi.
- So Mi.

Oh, that's so you.
I knew there was a pronoun involved.

Blakey, aren't you coming?

..the West End this year. Meanwhile,
on the American entertainment beat,

crowds continue to flock
to see The Pink Panther.

One avid patron, waiting in line
to see the film for the third time,

was heard to remark, "I love foreign films.

"Peter Sellers is my absolute
favourite French actor. "

Peter. Oh, you've got a hit.
You shouldn't be here.

- How long has he been like this?
- Since last Monday.

You didn't tell me.

Pete...

Peg said you couldn't come.

Well, I'm here now, Dad.

Pete...

Bloke in the next bed...

I promised him your autograph.

- I'll get right onto that, Dad.
- Yeah. He'll like that.

I told him...

my son...

who's a special boy...

No. No, let him rest now.

Let him rest.

The reporters. They'll want some remarks.

You didn't call me.

Hello. Is Mike there?

Do you know when he'll be back?

All right. No, it's... Bye.

- Is Harry there, please?
- It's Harry. How are you?

I'm fine. I'm looking after Mike.
I thought you might like to pop over for a beer.

Oh. Oh, is that today? I forgot, yeah.

- Why don't we say Monday?
- Er, right.

- Ying ton, mate.
- Iddle i po!

Mike, put that down. Put it down, please.

Thank you.

Go to your room.

Oh, Bert, you swine.

Here it is, here it is.

Welcome to my humble chapeau.

God.

I don't seem to be able to get it in.

What's going on?

Good evening, Mr Sellers.

Oh, Christ!

You nearly gave me a heart attack.

You're a hard man to get ahold of.

- Not really.
- Oh, God.

Linda, I'd like you to meet Stanley Kubrick.

It's nice to meet you.

So, er, Columbia won't let me
make my next picture without you.

Awfully insightful of them.

What's the part?

All of them.

What, the whole film?

You can destroy the world, Peter.

Fine. I can hear you now, Dmitri,
clear and plain and coming through fine.

Yes, it's good that you're fine and I'm fine.

And I agree with you, it's great to be fine.

Now, then, Dmitri...

You know how we've always talked

about the possibility of something
going wrong with the bomb?

The hydrogen bomb.

Now, what happened is,
one of our base commanders,

he had a sort of...

Well, he went a little funny in the head.

Just a little funny.

You know, and he went and did a silly thing.

Oh, now, don't be mad at me, Dmitri.

Remember that time
we were dancing with Natalia?

You remember Natalia,
the girl with the huge...arthritic problem.

Sorry, Stan.

I can assure you...
I can assure you, Major Bat Guano -

if that is indeed your name -

if you don't put that gun away
and stop this nonsense,

the court inquiry is gonna come down
on you like a ton of bricks.

The court inquiry is gonna...
give you such a pranging.

- Mr Sellers.
- Hilary.

- What happened to my luncheon?
- Your mother's here.

Shall I tell her you're in make-up?

No, I'll be right there.

You missed Sarah's birthday.

Peter, you know the press
pay a lot of attention to that sort of thing.

You know, liebchen,
that is not chicken that you are eating.

Anyway, I told the man at The Times
that you were busy filming,

that you'd sent your love and nothing was
more important to you than your children.

I think he was satisfied with that.

Sarah made you that.

Eat your lunch.

You know, in ze comink years,

ze nuclear family as we know it

will have ceased to exist.

All human requirements...

will be dealt with cleanly and efficiently.

Nourishment.

Leisure pastimes.

Sexual partners.

All zeez problems
vill be regulated by ze state.

So you see there will be no need for food.

Or mothers...

How was lunch with your son, Mrs Sellers?

I don't know, really. I didn't see him.

- Anybody home?
- In here.

- Hello, you.
- Annie, Annie darling.

- Sarah Sellers?
- I'm Sarah.

Oh. There you go, then, deary.

Let's have a look.

"For Sarah. Maybe one day
I'll teach you to ride it. Love, Daddy."

Just sign here, madam.

Go and have a look, love. Thanks.

"Boys. Boy, I say, boy. I say, boy.

"Boys, let's get this on the hump.
We got some flyin' to do."

- Flatter.
- I'm not playing a bomber pilot.

What can I do with that,
crammed in there? Oh, look.

Let me just hear it again.

Three characters is enough.
Three is a good number.

- You're being paid for four.
- You're stretching me too thin.

Who do you think I am?

I think you're whoever I want you to be.

Then who am I now?

Peter, have you ever heard
of Mutually Assured Destruction?

Hum a few bars and I'll join in.

It refers to when both sides
in an atomic conflict are so powerful

that if either side were to take action,

it would inevitably result
in the total annihilation of all concerned.

I find this concept
can be applied to many situations.

You're a peculiar fucker, Stan.

Wait. Peter...

Peter...

Can we have the ladders, please?
Finish off this painting.

You've got no idea what it's like to be me.

We haven't got time for that.

Absolute control is a useful thing.

Eliminate the personal element...
and you can get so much more done.

This was a realisation
that Peter Sellers never had to face...

because there was
no person there to begin with.

He was a vessel

into which characters
and personalities ran like phantoms.

But even an empty vessel can become too full.

I'm not getting it!

I'm useless!

Sarah, your father is a useless,
talentless, empty man. Did you know that?

Yes, Daddy.

Right, then.

- Dad?
- Use the other loo, Mike. I'm busy.

I don't have to go, Dad.

Please open the door.

- What d'you want?
- Are you all right?

No. I'm not all right. I'm not all right at all.

I can't find the voice for Major King Kong.
That's all I'm hired for.

I can't find it because it's not there!

- Dad.
- Your dad doesn't exist!

Where's the bloody Seconal?

Dad. When I didn't want
to play rugby at school,

I said I was sick when I wasn't.

They let me sit in the nurse's office.
She was very pretty.

Was she?

Morning, Stan.

I'm afraid I had a spot of bother
getting out of a cab last night.

Damned nuisance.

The doctor assures me
it's only a hairline crack.

Just don't let the insurance chaps find out.

Blake Edwards has got this new Panther script

and Sellers is waffling,
so if you could help convince him to do it...

Exactly. What?

Blake Edwards.

My girl will wire the money today.
What's the account?

The Midland Bank, Mayfair branch.
Account number 462501 .

Right. Thanks.

Not at all. Pleasure doing business with you.
Oh, a word of advice -

don't even think of driving
a red or a white car this weekend.

Not at all.

So...

Pink Panther.

No. No, too obvious.

Blake Edwards.

B.E.

Well, hooray for Hollywood.

That's extraordinary. Peter, this is good news.

You're going to become involved
with a very special person.

It's going to spawn a very fruitful partnership.

I'm even getting the initials.

It's... Ah! V-E.

It's V-P...V-E.

V-P, V-E. No! B...B-E.

Peter, you must not let this person go.

Destiny's already written this chapter.
You must act positively.

Yeah? So, say with me, "B-E."

Mr Sellers, sir?

God. What?

Mr Sellers, are you in there?

- Mr Sellers?
- Go away.

- Are you sure you're all right, sir?
- Yes, I am.

Just take your fresh fruit
and shove it up your arse.

Righto, sir. Thank you very much, sir.

Britt Ekland.

Hello, Britt. You must be Britt.

You're Britt Ekland!

I'm Peter.

Peter Sellers. But call me Peter.

Baby.

Oh, sorry.

B-E.

PS. That's nice.

I like Swedes. Mashed.

Hello.

I'm Peter. Peter Sellers.

Like you, I didn't have much on this evening

and I wanted to know
if you'd like to go and see a movie.

I think I'm in love with you.

But you've just met me.

Then it's still fresh in my mind.

Cookie?

Yes, please.

That is very, very good. Just look here. Super.

Super. Yes, that's... Now, just look here.

Look here. Good. Very nice.

I'll come in closer.
It's all right, I've met this sofa.

We're on intimate terms.

Work with me. That is good.

Thinks, "Must take up photography
as full-time job."

Now I need to get in closer.
Come the full length.

Yeah. Mind if I sit here?

Oh, God, I haven't felt leather like this
on my thighs since the Third Reich.

Good. Get rid of that there.

Truly, truly beautiful.

She is the most extraordinary girl.
Like a tulip about to bloom.

Absolutely exquisite.

Phenomenal in bed.

It is funny, isn't it?

I keep saying that I'll never get hooked
again, I'm tired of having my heart bleed,

yet I think I want to marry her.

That is, if you think it's OK.

Oh, decisions, decisions.

- Will you come to my suite, my sweet.
- Drive on, James! Now!

Ooh, it's the cops. Act normal.

It's all right, Officer, I'm fully licensed.

Oh, I'm so sorry, my darling.

Care to put on some music, love?

- It doesn't work.
- Don't trouble yourself, sweetheart.

There are many ways
of making beautiful music.

Cheers.

It's a bit dark in here. Could you
get the curtains, darling? It's that switch.

What d'you say? Would you care
to become the second Mrs Sellers?

Better hurry up, love. I've only
got the band for another half-hour.

I love you, Peter!

Do you hear that, folks?

- She loves me on a scratched film.
- Here we go!

Peg, what do you think of the new cottage?

- You're watering the gin.
- In your case, that's not a bad idea.

You've only known that Nazi for three weeks.

Peg, I couldn't be happier.

Why are you making
the same mistake all over again?

Because, my love, they won't let me marry you.

Mr Sellers, how's about
a shot of you and your mum?

So, where's your honeymoon?

Where else, Peg? Hollywood, US of A.

- Happy, darling?
- I'm about to be.

Oh, that's good!

Oh, that's good! Oh, my God!
You're very good, you know.

Wait. Wait. Wait.

- No. Oh.
- Breathe. Breathe. Breathe in.

Are you sure you're my wife?

What do you mean?

Because no wife should be
that good in the sack.

Is that what I look like?

Just one minute.

Peter.

- Britt, call a doctor, would you?
- Peter...

Send for the anaesthetist.

Just try to breathe, Peter.

Would you wait outside, Mrs Sellers?
It's gonna be fine. Please.

He's arrested.

- OK, let's charge to 120.
- 120.

Clear.

- No pulse.
- Come on.

..Peter Sellers,
fighting for his life in a California hospital.

Mr Sellers has suffered a serious setback.

His condition is said to be
grave and deteriorating.

No pulse.

Clear.

There you go.

Oh, God, Mother.

Mother, we've only been married for six weeks.

They don't know.

I don't know.

Damn! He's gone again.

- OK, charge to 180.
- 180.

Clear.

We have been informed
that his father also succumbed...

Having come to fame some years ago
as a member of The Goon Show...

Both channels.

- Clear.
- Still no pulse.

- Charge to 240.
- 240.

Clear.

Come on, Peter, come on.

Please do give my regards to your president.

And I thought I knew something about...

The Doomsday machine...

You've had a little too much...

It is essential that we do not have fear...

Perhaps a little...

I have no hesitation, categorically...

I don't care...

You've got enough on at the moment
without having any more piled on.

Tell the world.

- They mentioned something...
- On the one hand...

Watch out!

Comrades, the meeting is closed.

There will be ten females to every male.

- I'm out of here, mate.
- I think so.

- ..for the burmb.
- Oh, Mein F�hrer!

Oh, goodness me. I'm a man!

Yeah!

OK, we got him back.

Let's get an IV in.

Hello, children.

Can I have a little fairy kiss?

The spirits have spoken.

Daddy's come back from the dead.

And nothing can ever hurt him again.

Peter?

Peter?

Come on. Good boy.

Peter!

You're still weak.

This isn't taking care of yourself.

From now on there'll be
no more characters, no more costumes.

Starting next week,

the world's going to get
a look at the real Peter Sellers.

What's next week?

Who are you?
How did you get past my guards?

Good evening, darling.
My name is Bond. James Bond.

You know.

Aren't you going to do something...funny?

- Cut!
- First positions everyone!

How we doing, Pete?

Feel free to, er, improvise.

We're doing a spoof here, remember.

I'm playing it straight, as myself.
Like Cary Grant.

That's funny. Yeah.

That's... that's very good.
Yeah. Yeah. Satirical, yeah.

Good evening. My name's Bond.

James Bond.

My God, but you're lovely.

That was great!

Genius.

We meet again. I knew you wouldn't give up.

- Christ, Peter. When are you coming back?
- Wouldn't you like to know?

Seeing as we're three weeks
behind schedule, yeah, I would.

You know, Joe, I think today is not a lucky day.

Not lucky at all.
The voices are telling me not to risk it.

I hear voices, too, Peter!
And d'you know what they tell me?

They tell me that if you're not on the set
by this afternoon,

both your legs are gonna be broken!

I don't think we're hearing the same voices.

Peter, you wanker! Get back here! Now!

- Hello.
- Just answering nature's call.

I'm not feeling very well.

Darling, there are lots of other bathrooms
in the house.

That's not what I meant.

- What?
- I'm pregnant.

Oh, well,

I suppose you'll have to...you know.

What?

Well, have an abortion, sweetheart.
I'm sure it can be arranged.

No. I want this child.

I've got two already. Have one of mine.

Peter, I want to be a mother to our child.

I've always...given you room
for what you needed.

- Darling, is now the right time?
- Yes.

You are healthy.

We are in love.

Oh, Peter, let's have this baby.

- Bombs away.
- Plop.

Well, you hurry up.

And I'll go and call Mother.

Keep breathing, love.

The hospital's just up ahead...

I think.

All right, lads, give her some air.

Oh, we're fine, thank you.

- How d'you feel third time around?
- Ecstatic, absolutely thrilling.

You'll be fine. Just make it quick.

- We start filming in a week.
- Don't you worry, you'll be all right.

I'll take care of you now.

Goddammit!

Cut!

Take the fucking baby
and get the hell off the set.

Please. She's fine now.

- Off!
- No.

My big scene is coming up.

Not any more.

Fine. You do it. Ciao.

- Yes.
- Is that my Peter?

Hello, Peg. What's the news from the front?

I'm in hospital.

It's the old heart, Peter.

Oh, well, we all know about that one, dear.
You'll be up in no time.

That's not what the doctors say.

They're trying to bump up their fee.

If they say you're dying, when you walk out
they can claim they saved your life.

Come home, love. I need to see you.

Nonsense, Peg.

All you need is a wash and brush-up
and you'll be as good as new.

No, it's not like that. Listen...

Just a minute.

Your boy's needed, Peg. You understand.

I'm a star now.

These people can't do a thing without me.

It's everything you ever wanted.

I love you, Peter.

I'll see you soon. We'll go to tea.

Peter?

See how strong he was.

Most men would have crumpled at,
"I love you, Peter."

But not my son.

He came through like a champion.

A star has an obligation to himself.

Family weighs you down.

You think he was cruel to me?
Of course he was.

That just means that he'd learnt his lesson.

There are no rungs for the weak
on the ladder of success.

And my Peter is a strong climber.

Real stars don't have time for tears.

Can I get you anything, my darling?

Oh, Peter.

There's nothing you could have done.

It's not your fault.

"It's not your fault.

"There's nothing you could have done."

- Oh, Peter, stop it.
- "Oh, Peter, stop it. Stop it, Peter."

Christ, woman, can't you say anything real?

First of all you can't act, then you can't stop.

- You...
- Just shut up!

- You bastard!
- Am I? Am I?

- You've no idea.
- Fuck you!

No! Fuck you!

You hit me with me mum.

Fuck you, Peter!

Fuck you and your mum!

Mama, mama, mama, mama.

Pretty num-num.

Oh, dear.

Well, Mr Sellers,

what would you like to look like?

Why, Doctor, I'd like to look like you.

You know how they clean theatres?

They put on one of my films.
It's so easy to hoover between empty seats.

Now I've found something I really want to do

and I can't get anyone to give me the cash.

I've read this ten times in the last year.

The main character is a man with no self.

No discernible personality.

I find myself thinking
about this man a great deal.

About how sad he is?

No, about how marvellous his life must be.

He has no future, no past, no responsibilities.

He's simple, boring, an absolute blank.

People expect nothing from him
and love it when they get just that.

This is going to be my next film.

- Are you absolutely sure about that?
- Absolutely.

Cos you do have a choice, you know.

- Have you read it?
- I've made some notes.

I think it could be very funny.

I don't like choice, Maurice.

You're so full of doubt.

How can we make that doubt go away?

We know, don't we?

Peg? Peg, can you hear me?

Peg sees you, Peter.

Hello, Peg.

I love you, Peg.

What do you need from me, dear?

I don't know what to do next.

My heart's been troubling me.

And I think, I think my mind...

Peg's here.

She's always with you, Peter.

Now I've had a look at your heart

and your heart's fine.

Now what you need to do is work.

You give so much joy
to so many people, Peter.

I can see it from here.

Do it for me, for your mother.

Do another Pink Panther.

Are you sure, Peg? Are you really sure?

lt'll be a huge hit.

And that'll give you the power
to make Being There.

I hear this one's not coming
to a theatre near me.

The studio deemed
its box-office potential as limited.

Then I suppose this comes
at just the right time.

I could never be this broke.

It wasn't easy for me to come here, Peter.

Why, did your limousine break down?

I considered making you kiss my ass.

Not after that script's been through it.

Still the funniest bastard around.

Look, Peter, I didn't come out of desperation.

I think it's a good idea and I can't do it
without you. You need the money, I don't.

And I don't need the aggravation
that you're gonna bring me.

What if I told you to fuck off?

I'd say your ex-wives will be
disappointed in that attitude.

- Fuck my ex-wives.
- I have.

Now I know why you divorced 'em.

Blakey! You are the only
son of a bitch who really understands me.

- God. I love you.
- I love you, Peter.

How sad is that?

This script could be terrific.
We'll give it the Sellers-Edwards touch.

- I've got lots of ideas.
- We start shooting in six weeks.

Better make it eight.

Peter... I'm calling the shots here.

Darling! Over here!

This is sure to be another
stunning success. How does it feel?

- Well-deserved, I can assure you.
- Thank you.

Hello, Blakey. Is this going to be
your usual load of rubbish?

Hello, my dear friends.
Thank you for coming out tonight.

I have something I'd like very much
to say to you all.

We would not all be here
if it were not for the efforts of one man -

one man whose vision you will soon
see writ large on the silver screen.

I am of course referring to Mr Blake Edwards.

Get him up here, folks.

Come on, Blakey. Up you come.

Jolly good.

- Come on!
- Thank you!

Thank you!

Let me tell you something about this man.

He is absolutely talentless.

No, but seriously, no one - and I repeat that -

no one has managed to do so much,
having so very little.

Give me that.

People ask me
why I compromise my artistic integrity

by walking in front of Blake's cameras.

You know what I tell them? Money.

It's true.

That and the knowledge that
no matter how bad the picture is,

I'll always be the best thing in it.

- Thank you.
- Oh, look, he's bashful, folks.

Why shouldn't he be?
In an industry that worships mediocrity,

you, Blake, truly have added new lustre

to the term "middling talent".

So enjoy the show...if that's at all possible.

I...

I knew we should've gotten Ustinov.

The ambitious Sellers
presents a portrait of determination.

You've reached the home of Peter Sellers.

Mr Sellers is unable to take your call,
as he is off leading a normal life.

Please leave your message
after the series of tones.

Oh. Hi, Dad, it's me, Mike.

I tried you on the phone but Sarah
thought you might be in Switzerland.

Anyway, Mum told me about the operation,
the pacemaker and everything.

That must be fun.
I know how you like gadgets.

Well, anyway, I hope you're, er, you're OK.

Right, take care, Dad. Bye.

I'm just an old, salty sea dog.

Peter, are you in there?

Will you give me a goddamn break already?

You know something, Sellers,
you are a major league pain in the ass.

Peter!

Was he difficult? He was the star -
of course he was difficult.

You know who's not difficult? Troy Donahue.

Christ. I need a smoke.

I worked with Sellers for what,
20 years, on and off?

Six movies.

I never laughed so hard.

I never cried so hard.

The last straw?
There were endless last straws.

You say, "last straw",
five seconds later you're saying, "Action".

I can't explain it. It was like watching a cobra.

You're mesmerised.

What did he do after me?

The only thing he never gave up on.

They all wanted me to be a clown.

They'll pay me millions to be a French,
mustachioed, karate-chopping twit.

But this is so much more.

What do you want to do, Peter?

Isn't that what I just asked you?

Oh, shut up.

Yowser.

Ain't you the gentleman this mornin'?

I'm gonna go now.

Yes.

You're gonna need somebody.

You oughta find yourself a lady, Chance.

Guess it oughta be an old lady,

cos you ain't gonna
do a young one any good.

Not with that little thing of yours.

You're always gonna be a little boy, ain't you?

Bye, Chance.

Bye, Louise.

'Scuse me. 'Scuse me.
Aren't you Peter Sellers?

- Yes, I am.
- Would you mind?

Thank you. Thank you very much. I mean,
you...you were...the man. That's it.

You're always gonna be a little boy,
ain't you?

Bye, Chance.

Bye, Louise.

Mr Edwards.
Pardon me, but have you seen Mr Sellers?

No, and he's 20 minutes late. Did he call?

No. He's here.

I think maybe you should see him.

Peter?

You can't come in here.

English