Original subtitles

Oh, dear.

What's the matter with him, Mr. Cromance?

I wish I knew, Wurzel.

He's a bit bonkers. He has been right from the start.

He's not one of your best qualities, Mr. Cromance.

Perhaps on account of the fact that he's made out of ojabean.

O -be -a -zeen.

Ojabean. O -be -a -zeen. That's what I said, sir.

Ojabean.

Everyone knows that ojabean is all squishy in the middle.

So it stands to reason he's soft in the head.

Be quiet, Wurzel.

Now, the reason I called you here is to tell you that you will have to fill in

for Aubergine at short notice.

Can't you bring him round, you cleverness? I've been trying for days.

He's had a very disturbing experience, and it seems to have put him into some

sort of coma. You see, he was dozing at his post when a large turkey landed on

his head, and such was his fright that it put him in a state of shock.

Oh, don't you worry about that, Your Honour. I'll just give him a good buffet

round the lug holes. That'll soon put him right.

You stay away from him.

You have work to do.

Now, Blighty Tater is posted nearby. I don't want you two getting up to any

shenanigans. Oh, he won't get up to no shenanigans, Mr. Crowmancer.

Anyway, don't fear.

Me having to do the work for him and me.

Professor?

Hey,

that's chocolate cake.

Feel better?

Don't you worry about me, Mr. Crowman.

With chocolate cake, old Wurzel can do the work of five, even three scarecrows.

Hey,

Wurzel

Gummers, hold off with that piece of chocolate cake. I'm coming right over.

If he doesn't get some grub down me soon, I swear I'll do something drastic.

I'd like to share my chocolate cake with you, Blighty. I really would, but I

don't think it's enough for the three of us.

Just a titty bit, Wurzel. A few crumbs for a starving bog -sider.

How about a sandwich, then? Have you got an old sandwich about you

which he doesn't want?

Oh, my stomach's a -crumbling and a -gurgling fit to bust.

Here, have a listen.

Oh, you're right there, Platy. I never heard a stomach complaining like that

before. Here.

Is that a hoping great strobe I see there dangling beneath that leafy?

Yeah, you can't touch them.

I've been sent up here special to protect them. Go and sling your oak.

God is my witness.

There ain't nothing better for a gurgling stomach than a nice ripe

red and glossy on the outside and pink and juicy on the middle.

You're angry, I thought.

Otherwise, you'll have to wreck it with me.

Right.

I'll tell you what I'll do, then.

I'll give you the big one.

And old Blighty will take the little one.

How's that?

Squirt, get out of here. You can't pull the wool over a Wurzel as easy as that.

Ah, you're too shrewd for me, Wurzel Gummidge.

There you are, then.

I took another one.

I saved you.

Do you know?

Must have fallen in me go by accident.

Yeah, well, it ain't fair.

Now you have more than me.

Go on.

We'll have each day.

Ruined!

$200 worth of prized strawberries.

Farmer Jackson came very close to taking me to court. I cannot recall a more

grave offence by any of my scarecrows.

No? Well, how about that time when I had all the trouble with the stampeding

elephant, Mr. Crowman?

Begging your pardon, Your Honor.

Yes, Blighty Tater, what is it? Can I say one thing that may influence

decision you're about to be making?

Very well, one thing.

It were Wurzel Gummidge who had started it. You lying leprechaun!

It were me, it were him, Mr. Crowmancer!

Silence!

I have decided that you will help me pay for the damage that you have caused.

So, I am sending you both on jobs to Stokes Valley.

Stokes Valley?

Oh, don't send us there, Mr. Cromancer, please.

Where you will be posted in the maize field for the entire summer.

You will be placed several miles apart and you will under no circumstances

whatsoever leave your positions.

You will also have no bread, tea or cake for four months.

Understood?

Please, Your Omnipotence, don't send us up to Stokes' Valley.

I've heard that Scarecrow's disappeared and that Maisie feels never to be seen

again. It's a living hell out there.

I've heard from orders that it scars and perma -int like.

Don't be so melodramatic, Blighty Tater. I have made my decision and there it

stands. We will leave Pier Waka Waka Station first thing tomorrow.

Now go and clean yourselves up.

Has his vindictiveness changed his mind about sending us up to that terrible,

mazy place?

Not a chance.

I declare he's in a worse mood than what he was yesterday.

Quiet, quiet. Here comes himself.

All right, you two, don't just stand there. Help Eugene into the truck. Yes,

Pullman. Come along, don't you think?

Let's put you out.

Keep it on.

Okay.

Are we taking O .G. Bean with us too, Daniel Rowling, eh?

Yes, Worsley.

It's a last resort. I've decided the only chance for him to recuperate is to

have long periods of rest in the open air.

That expense valley should be as good a place as any, and you two can keep your

eye on him.

Right then, into the back of the truck.

Thank you so much.

Stoke Valley, please.

You'll have to go to the ticket office.

You want these on, too?

Most certainly, and please take some care of them.

All right, you ugly mugs.

Let's get you on board.

Hurry up, please.

All right, all right.

What do you think this is?

Branson Station.

I've only got... Two hours. I have been queuing up for 15 minutes. I think the

public deserves a better service. Oh, keep your hair on, madam. The train

doesn't move for another half hour.

You've got all the time in the world.

It's all a stupid idea. The scenic trip we should have taken in the car.

I'd be needing an hand up.

How can I give you an hand up when you won't show yourself?

Well, if I could show myself, then I wouldn't be needing an hand up now,

I? Here, over here.

Oh, there he is.

Come on, then.

Thank you, Russell.

It's no fun being wet between a cage of toots and a basket of stinking fish.

Here, hold him in. Come on down off that there packing case. Have a bit of a

chat. You're wasting your time there, Blighty. He can't walk nor talk.

I'm not surprised.

Where Wurzel's going, I've heard there's magpies so big that if you so much as

waves at them, they'll peck your eyes out. Yeah, I've heard that, you know.

Only it's not magpies out your beans, I fear, Dove. It's turkeys.

And they can't affect one certainly dead one and frighten the seeds out of him.

Oh, so that's what happened.

You know, Wurzel, to some say it's a great life being a scarecrow.

Ain't you? Fresh air and sunshine and all that.

But I reckon when you come right down to it...

It's diabolical.

Yeah, it's bi -dolical, all right.

Not like them train guards.

There's a job one and a half for you. And get as much cups of tea and slices

cake as they like.

How do you know that?

Because I can see them sitting on the platform there, scoffing and supping.

Do you think the crewman really meant it when he said we'd have no cups of tea

and slices of cake for four months?

Yeah, I expect so.

It ain't fair, is it?

All them train guards has to do to get fed is to go around clickling peasantous

ticklets all day.

I've got an idea.

I thought you said Woburn.

Now, if you'll just give me the ticket back, I'll change it to Strathmore.

How do I look, Jane? Where does it go, mate?

Proper job, Blighty.

Better know the real thing.

Have you got your clicker ready?

Yes, I have.

I'll start clicking down this side. You start clicking down the other.

Ticket, please. Ticket, please.

Ticket. Ticket, please.

I said, show us your ticket, not click it.

Sorry.

Thank you very much, sir.

Thank you.

Ticket, please.

Excuse me.

Yes? This is a 10 -trip ticket.

Would you mind punching it properly?

Very sorry, yes.

Ticket, please.

Ticket, please.

Thank you, my darling.

I think you'll find that ticket being clicked.

Excuse me. I don't suppose you feel like treating me and my friend to a cup of

tea and a slice of cake, do you? Not really, no.

old skin clint.

Tickets, please.

Thank you very much, madam.

Tickets, please.

Tidy that up.

Here, Blighty.

I reckon this here tick -lick -clicking ain't such a good job after all.

I mean, none of them uppity passengers in there offered me a slice of cake, let

alone a cup of tea.

Here. Would that be the kitchen in there?

It is. It doth, eh? But I see anything.

You're right, Dave.

What?

Do you know what the bestest job on a puffer train is?

No. What would that be, Will?

The engine driver.

Because he gets to sit up front and he can toot on his own as often as he

Bobby Davis, I'd like to be one of them.

Come on.

Thank you.

This is where the engine driver stands, right here.

She's a fine view, enormously.

Yeah. What's more, you can look out the window here, see?

And you can see all them humans as you go flashing past the station. You can

wave at them.

Well, what would the purpose of this cupboard be?

Well, the best way to find that out is to open it.

Ah, that would explain it.

Here, that's one of them driver's caps. I wonder if it fits me noggin. Here, you

give that cap here.

It ain't yours to wear. It's mine.

It is, it is.

No, it isn't. I saw it first. No, you didn't. It's mine.

I saw it first. Give me that.

Give me that. You're thinking out of your mind.

Let's be what I think it is. Stop!

Hey, Mum.

Why are they engine drivers running along the bend, Mum? Get off the back of

that thing.

Mum, maybe you're looking strange.

Get off me. Hey.

Strange they're very early, dear.

They make some nice change from the ground.

Oh,

no,

no, no. I don't think that's such a good idea at all at all. You see, the

straw's not...

It's been eye checked. That's what happened. I thought I saw a couple of

along the track there. They look like a couple of our blokes, but maybe.

I only hope they see reason and stop at Woburn Station.

God, I hope so.

Worsling blighty at the helm, there's no chance of that happening.

Going even closer.

We've got to get out of here.

Right.

You go first. No. You go first.

No, you.

No, you.

I'm in charge. Go on.

No.

That was Woburn. We just passed Woburn Station.

Think, Miss Dowd, stop.

Miss, Miss, do you want to be chucked off?

Excuse me, my good man. Yes, my good woman.

I demand to know why the train didn't stop at Woburn Station.

It must have been the head or something.

I couldn't stop a train if there's no one up front to stop it.

What I say, there's no one up front. I can't drive the engine and stick it in

the same time, can I?

There's no one driving the train!

I'll tell you one thing, lady dater. I think we're in real trouble this time.

You mean using me? No, we's in real trouble. Using me's as deep as I is. And

can say that without fear of contravention. Because I's in charge.

Who says so?

This actor.

What'll the crewmen say?

He'll have us on the compost heap now for sure.

No. No?

More likely the bomb. The crack, they say.

Ain't there no way of stopping it?

No, I don't think so.

You know, Blighty, I think we've played out once too often.

What about him over there, then?

Do you reckon he'll be four or two, then, same as us? After all, it was him

started into trouble in the first place. No, he can't blame for nothing if he

ain't got no life in him.

You'll probably get off scotch -free.

I can't.

Yeah, Otis B., can you hear me?

He's dead as a dodo.

Boy, I've got a present for you.

Present? Yeah.

We were just sitting there minding our own business when Otis B. wakes up from

his nap.

What you on about, Walter? We told him to sit there quietly, but he paid us no

heed, and off he went, walking up the track.

Before we knew where we was, the old papa was steaming up the station.

Right, so, Goofy, you got no brains, do you?

What'll happen if we don't slow down before we get to the end of the line?

If we don't slow down, Blighty, we're going to fall into a river, else crash

into a cliff.

Either way, we're going to stop up sharp.

Ah, I taught us much.

God, it's going to crash.

We'll have to get through to Blighty and Werther.

Did you hear something?

I believe I did. And it sounded not unlike the crow man.

Hear me now.

You are in great danger.

Say, what did you say? I don't rightly know. I couldn't make out a word proper.

Stop the train.

Stop? Stop what?

Stop. In the attic.

I swear, Aubergine, you have no recollection of starting the train. None

I swear it, Mr.

Le Cromant.

I can only say I cannot have been in my right mind.

Don't be too harsh on him, Your Magnanimity. I mean, after all, even the

of us has to make mistakes from time to time.

That's very noble of you, Wurzel.

Mr. Cromant, it's the least I can do for a fellow scarecrow.

Then may I take it, Wurzel?

That you've made friends with the regime?

Yes, your highness.

We're as close as two bees in a pod.

In fact, if you was to offer me a slice of cake right now, which I can see you

haven't got, I'd feel bound to give it to my friend O .G .B. there.

Merci, monsieur.

As it happens, Wurzel, I do have some cake left.

Oh.

In this thing here.

One dish for you. Like this?

And thanks to Wurzel's generosity, too, for you.

It can be improving at last, Wurzel, I wonder.

Yes, it certainly is, Mr. Cromant.

It certainly is.

Now, I'm quite sure you feel up to resuming your duties.

Not sure I'll move, Mr. Cromant.

I feel how you say, a brat has the train.

All right, then.

You know where Pharmaceutics' beet patch is?

Mais oui.

Oh, mon, mon, Monsieur Le Cromant.

Can you say, on your honor, there will be none of those big, feathery things?

There's the monsters with their blazing eyes and straggly bitangon of their

throats. But you mean Turkey.

Quiet, Wesson.

Oh, I can assure you the area is entirely free of poetry.

Oh, quelle relief.

Au revoir, Monsieur Le Cromant.

I shall commence my duty immediately.

Ditto!

Weasel, Blighty, I know there is more to this than meets the eye.

Well, you see, your reverence, when the puffer's boiler exploded... Weasel, I do

not wish to hear any more of your ridiculous stories.

It is obvious to me that you are both partly responsible.

But, Mr. Cromwell, I never... Blighty!

that you were both partly responsible for Aubergine's return to us.

Restoring Aubergine to his senses.

You have bestowed on him the gift of life. The gift of life, Your Worship.

How did we do that?

We only appreciate the value of living when we are confronted by its

alternative.

You placed Aubergine in a situation where he had to make that choice.

In so doing, he came back to us.

Did we really do all that, Mr. Crowman?

Yes, you did.

Now, off you go.

Now, Big Bum's whistled. And we give old Ogier Bean the gift of life. Oh, and

one more thing.

I must insist that you refrain from fraternizing with each other.

Nothing but trouble together.

You're blanking.

Give us a bite of your cake.

I'm not allowed to fraternise with you, Royal Gummidge, nor talk to you neither,

on account of you being a bad influence.

Who's a bad influence?

Anyway, I've no intention of fraternising with you. It's your cake

If I gives you half, what would I be getting in return?

We could have the pleasure of my company for the rest of the day.

Well, all right then. So long as we're not fraternising.

I don't see any reason why we can't spend a bit of time together.

Sometimes I wonder why I bother.

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