Original subtitles

hearing. Some big social event, no doubt. Well, I wouldn't exactly call it

social happening, but it certainly is a bit special.

Beauty contest.

You going to enter, then?

What?

Beauty contest?

Paradise? Depends.

On what?

Well, it depends on what I find to wear.

It's an important...

Well, it's the only one this year, if that's important.

Of course it's important if it's the only contest.

Funny -looking animal, isn't it? A little savage, if you ask me.

See? Franny knows you ain't taking to her. She can tell.

They always can.

Well, if you are going to enter this contest, what sort of deco you have in

mind? For instance, what sort of collar?

Diamond.

Diamond is always high -class.

Or emerald.

Emeralds is always posh.

Real emeralds?

Oh, no, not real emeralds.

Still, Franny wouldn't know the dip, would she?

Well, I've enjoyed our interesting little chat.

I'm going to go and find myself a dress.

Ta -ta.

Trace, what kind of doll is she for?

You should be ashamed of yourself!

Skulking behind a lady's skirt, hiding yourself like the great coward that you

always is. Call yourself a man?

Well, I ain't a man. I's a scarecrow, so there.

Yes, and a very disgusting one, too. What are you doing in the park, anyway?

Nothing. I was busy doing nothing when these pesky little farmings... Attack

suddenly. Filled me full of holes, so they did. So if it comes on to rain,

be all leaky.

Yes, well, never mind about that. I've got a very important job for you.

I have decided, Wurzel Gummidge, that you shall have the very great honour to

accompany me shopping.

Shopping, eh?

What are we going shopping for, Aunt Sally? A parcel of crumpets, perhaps?

Or some cherry biscuits and jam? Or even a couple of sticks of black pudding?

Black pudding? What makes you think my dainty fingers would soil themselves on

something so common and working class as black pudding? I didn't think, Aunt

Sally. I ain't got me thinking there, Don. I should have known better. You

certainly should. No, we're not going to go shopping for cakes or biscuits or

that disgusting black pudding. We are going to go shopping for a dress. Yes,

course we are, Aunt Sally. Of course we are.

What do we need to buy a dress for, Aunt Sally, if I make so bold as to ask?

We are not going to buy a dress, Wurzel. You are going to buy a dress for me. A

rich, costly dress of superlative quality.

in which I am going to win a very important beauty contest.

And you're going to buy me earrings and dainty shoes and get my hair done, on

which I shall hang a carrara. And we are going now.

Excuse me, sir, madam.

I am the manager, Mr. Birkinshaw. May I inquire just exactly where you think

you're going? Where I am going? You have the infancy to ask me, Lady Aunt Sally,

which is what I am. Where I am going?

Pardon me. Apologies, Your Ladyship, I didn't recognise you. But who is this

disreputable individual following you?

This individual happened to be my balter and bodyguard of many years long

standing. Almost part of the family. Except, of course, he is just a servant.

But he's got straw all over him, dirtying the shop. Of course he's got

over him after feeding my string of Arabian race horses.

Now show me the post -dress department right away and don't muck about.

This way, please.

Please, over here right away and attend to a very important customer, the Lady

Aunt Sally.

Would you excuse me, lady?

The gentleman's suiting is over there, sir.

Oh, thank you very much.

Well,

Lady Aunt Sally, what can I interest you in? I've come to get the very best

distress you have to offer for a very special occasion.

And might I ask what the special occasion might be?

The occasion has nothing to do with you.

But if you don't give me, well, a hint, I shall find it very difficult to know

just what to suggest.

A wedding?

A christening? A hunt for, perhaps?

Well, seeing as how you're so blooming nosy, I'll tell you. I want a dress

that'll make me look my bestest in front of a load of posh people.

But what style?

Knee length?

Ball gown?

Now, what colour would you prefer?

Look, what I want is something really dazzling.

Loads of jewels, rubies, diamonds.

A king's ransom round my neck, a great shining tarara in my hair, so that

everybody would clap and cheer and say, oh, that lady, aren't they?

She's the most beautifullest lady ever to sit a dainty foot on stage.

Oh, well, if madame wants to look like the fairy on top of the Christmas tree,

then perhaps this will suit her.

Yes, the very thing. Right, we'll take it. Pay the woman, Wazzle. Pay? What do

you mean, pay?

How much?

A dress like that must be worth five, six pounds.

Are you out of your mind?

That dress is an original model and very reasonable at a hundred guineas.

That's a lot of money, Mrs.

Certainly isn't for a dress of that quality.

She's right. It certainly ain't. So pay her worth and be quick about it. But I

haven't got a hundred guineas or whatever it was the madam said.

Right, well, take it now and pay later.

I don't wear dresses, Your Holiness.

Good day, madam.

Good day.

I am Madam Creamy.

But, of course, I've often seen you photo in the close sales.

Fortunately, I mean fortunately for you, we have just had an appointment

cancelled. So, chez toi is libre.

Oh, dear, I'll be here at one.

Number three.

This is the Lady Anseli, dear Dre.

Penelope, for me pen, pen.

I want us to give her, of our best, a complimentary drink.

From the looks of her, she'll need it.

Tell me, Lady Anseli, where did you get these wonderful rosy cheeks?

Oh, they're quite hard, aren't they?

Are you, by any chance, suffering from any form of skin complaint?

I certainly am not. But these cheeks, they feel almost like, well, wood.

What do you think, dear Dre?

Yes, they certainly do.

Well, of course they feel like wood, because there is wood. Finest beech

Cost a fortune to have carved. He said he'd been painted on by the master

craftsman, Seth Plummer, the elder. He was really famous, too, until he fell

his scaffolding, painting an ording, and broke his neck, and he couldn't paint

no more.

Very sad story.

Very famous beautician was he, Seth Plummer, the elder.

Well, the elder was, yes, but the younger one wasn't, because he took to

bottle and became an alcoholic, and he couldn't paint eyebrows straight,

he had a wobbly hand.

Got you right. Not a yaddy, a complete eccentric.

Nutty as a fruitcake. Give her the numero uno treatment.

Right away.

The hot penelope, maximum.

Well, that wasn't so bad, was it? And it does have the most wonderful cleansing

effect. Did you infer a nice mucky?

Of course not, Lady Aunt Belly. It's just standard practice.

What have you in mind for me next?

Facial, of course.

Do you do a mud pack?

Total. Total.

What are you doing?

It's merely the preliminary, lady. I'm really just starting.

Well, you've only just started. So have I.

What's that funny scratching sound?

Must be ratties.

No, it can't be ratties. They're on their holidays.

Please have a look.

If it ain't me old Aunt Sally scratching to come in.

Why don't you knock like other people's does?

How can you knock on a sack?

Oh, I'm so unhappy.

Oh,

misery is me.

Aunt Sally.

Don't take on so.

There, there. Oh, where's all the air?

Now, don't start that there sweeping and a snivelling. Because if you start

sweeping and a snivelling, you'll start me off sweeping and a snivelling as

well.

I can't stop.

My whole life is in ruins.

And all because of that horrible Madam Screamy. Who's Madam Screamy when she's

adult?

I'll tell you for why, Aunt Sally. Because she's Chelsea's of you, that's

one. Oh.

She's Chelsea's because you're more beautiful than her.

You're probably the most beautifulest woman in the whole wide world.

No,

not probably, Aunt Sally. Definitely.

And certainly you're going to win this year's beauty contest.

Why don't you let Aunt Wurzel give you a bit of kissy -kissy?

Especially when you've been eating black pudding.

Wessel, I'll let you have a little bit of mushy after I've won the beauty

contest.

Oh, there's mud all over me.

I'll never get it off.

Yes, you will, Aunt Terry.

Don't worry. Go on.

Oh, Wessel, I'll give you a quick rubdown with his bestie's handkerchief.

It's a bit mucky, isn't it?

Ah, that don't matter. Muck won't show once I've blown my carrot on it.

Gizzy on me now, you're so close as you... Such a naughty thought never

me a success.

Oh, good. I should hope not.

Especially as I'm allowing you to be so impotent with me.

Oh, I... Keep away.

The pudding pong's something fierce.

Aunt Sally, Aunt Sally, we've got it. When my sister heard it was for the

contest, she gave it to me right away.

Come on, let's set it all up.

As you know, being an Aunt Sally, our hairstyle is always traditional.

Rather smitten with that frothy head with that lady's head down on her head.

Oh, look at her. She must be posh. Look at the sumptuous terrara.

Well, look, come here. Tell me what you think.

Although what you know is about fashion, I could write on half the head of a

pin. If I could write, that is.

I've got this funny feeling I've seen her somewhere before.

What do you think, Dixie?

Ain't you seen someone like her sloshing out the piglet's well down at

Thurston's? Oh, don't be stupid.

Well, I reckon I can do much better than her.

Look at the diamonds. Anyone can see they ain't real.

No, I think I'll stay.

I'm sure you can do it. Of course. My mum and her friends did their own here.

I've watched them millions of times.

That's raw.

That's raw black pudding.

Of course it's raw.

That's the way I like it. Chewy but tasty.

I wouldn't eat that rubbish if I was starving to death.

I wouldn't give you any, even if you was starving to death.

How long do you think they've been, Woozle?

111 minutes at least.

Maybe even a hour.

Women always take a long time.

What for?

Everything.

Well, what?

What do you think?

Aunt Sally?

Yes? Have you got a poodle sitting on your egg?

is different.

Well, it's supposed to be different because that's why I came here, to be

different, and now I am different. Understand?

Aunt Sally, that hurt.

It was supposed to hurt. It was to stop you crystallizing your vectors who know

more about high fashion than a common hayrick. And here is another one for

luck. There's no need to get hairy, ain't there?

Hurry up.

What are you going to wear, Wurzel?

Me posh head, of course.

got nothing else. These are the only clothes I've got.

Sorry, ma 'am. You have to have a ticket.

Ticket? I don't need a ticket. Yes, you do, ma 'am. Oh, no, I don't. Just

remember who you're talking to. I am a genuine lady, Aunt Sally, who goes where

she wants, when she wants. Right?

Apologies. I didn't know.

Oh, of course you didn't know.

You probably never met... before in your entire life.

What about the show?

What class, ma 'am? What class are you in?

Class?

Top class, of course. What else?

Now, posh heads, posh heads. Where the heck did I put that damn posh head? Must

be somewhere special on account of the fact that I don't go to these posh dudes

that often. Well, go on. Don't hang about there. Have a look for it.

Must be around here somewhere.

Someplace where them pesky pigs can't get at it.

Oh, whoopsie -da.

I've suddenly remembered.

I put it on that there beam up there.

Here, come on, Mickey.

Chin up this here rope and grab hold of it for me.

There you go. Go on. Up more.

More.

Oh,

that's no good. Go on, you have a go, Miss Mickey.

There you go. Take very far.

Just give it a whack and it'll come.

What's the matter?

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

Oh, dang me. I thought you chitchis were fit to know that.

Hang on, hang on.

I've got an idea.

Here, Mickey.

Get hold of this blue and stick yourself in it and I'll haul you up.

Okay, Rizzo.

Here we go.

That's it. Are you there?

Come on, grab it.

Have you got it?

Yeah. Then chuck it down.

And don't be change me yet.

Unleash me up.

Quick! Quick!

Quick!

Quick!

That's what I call the crosshairs.

Come on, let's get going.

Where's your number?

What class are you best in, Joe?

Oh, top. Top quality.

Must be dressed like that.

Well, go on. Get up there in the middle.

And now the eminent personality and chairman of the God Council will present

premier award.

Mr. Duke Ferguson.

Now, come and get a wake around, eh? You must have got some kind of tri -pounds

just to be here.

My what?

You're round, girl.

The big winner.

You're bow -wow.

I am not round.

Well, you must have, girl.

What is it? St. Bernard, Spaniel, Beagle?

You must have a dog to be in a beauty show for dogs. It stands to reason.

Beauty show?

You got it. For dogs?

Spot on.

Not human?

No, doggies.

Bow -wows.

And you certainly ain't a bow -wow, are you, my lovely?

Well, I could impersonate one, Mr. Burke.

Call me Duke.

Mr. Duke. And that's what they call me?

This is an humiliating situation for me. I mean, I'm only just an Aunt Sally, a

lady, Aunt Sally, like you're a... Well, could you just lend me a dog for this

very special occasion?

No sooner said than done, me little charmer.

James, where is me pooch? There, now.

Take Rambo, me old prize pooch.

Oh, by Jiminy, big dog's taken to you. Never seen that happen before.

We'll duke, duke.

I mean, um, are you rich?

Well, I've got a few bobber tools, spread around 30 ,000 acres, half a

sheep. Here, come and go and count on me.

I'll take Randolph. Thank you, madam. Yes, I've been scratching around for

for a little number like you.

Quality, elegance, a bit of go about it.

What's he getting hitched to?

Spliced. Not guilty.

Ready.

There.

Shield with a kiss, eh, Sal?

That's the way to do it, eh?

Here, what's with this kitty -kitty business?

Have you won or something?

Oh, I've won, all right. I've won him.

What do you mean, you've won him?

I've got him.

My fine Nancy.

He can't be your fine Nancy, Aunt Sally. I'm your fine Nancy. Have you forgot?

I have forgot, because there was nothing to forget. All I know is that Mr. Duke

Ferguson and me... Forgive me.

Wait, Aunt Sally.

It's the worst of them if you're ever loving intended.

Not all gaffs and gators, are you?

Right, I'm going to give him a good bashing.

Hey, who is this fellow? Is he worrying you?

No, he ain't. He's just some strolling vagabond. I'd get rid of him if I was

you. Good idea. Here, sling this vagrant out. He's getting to be a nuisance.

Violence on us, fellow.

One of these days I'll chop her up in little bits, so I will.

In little pieces of cheap firewood. No, you won't. Yes, I will.

I'll get a dirty great hatchet and I'll let her have it.

No, Manu's right.

You'll never chop her up. Yes, I will.

If I says I will, I will.

You just see if I don't. You just tell me why.

I'll tell you why not.

Because you love her.

You've got a big, a big obsession for her.

What's an obsession when it's at home?

An obsession is something you think about all the time. Something you can't

without. Something you've just got to have.

Something you can't do without.

Something you've got to have. Yeah.

Like cups of tea and slices of cake.

Or maybe a black pudding even.

Yeah, well, something like that.

Close anyway.

Come on, Rizzle.

Jump off it.

There we go.

Wait for me.

Let's go, Russell.

Come on in.

Thank you.